I creid. My sister and best friend was gone. Every changeling was fighting around me. I cried. That was it. I was sadder than I was when the picture of Robbins legs got deleted. I cried. Those stupid idiots will REGRET THIS! Those stupid BITCHES! THEY WILL PAY! I grabbed a pony and set his face on fire. I then started killing all the ponies. I made one turn into air. I sent 24 into a pit of piranhas, I sent 77 into the lava, and I started melting all their armor. I saw a mare setting the hive on fire, and Pharnyx screamed and cried. I looked at the pony, and it was his wife, Flurry Heart! I quickly set her on fire and Pharnyx ran out and pushed her off the cliff. She screamed. I then grabbed another stallion and turned him into the shadows of my soul. One stallion cried for mercy and showed my a picture of his child. I grabbed it and ripped it. When I did that, the child died. The stallion cried. I laughed at his face as he suffered. That’s what he gets for awaking the shadows of wickedness lurking inside me. Everypony who messes with me messes with the swarthiness in my soul. No pony will escape!
When I was drowning ponies in misery, I spotted the ruler of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle! She will soon regret forcing this battle upon my throat. I payed close attention to my soul. Soon, my whole body turned into a shadow and I absorbed myself into her soul. Twilight’s eyes turned pitch black. Her body ceased to work. Then, I was able to take control of her! I could just change into her, but that would be no fun as the evil princess wouldn’t suffer. I flew into the air and blasted the whole Cool Mean Colts team. They all died very fast. They will really regret me soon if they thought that was it!
I levitated 448,684 ponies into the air. I smiled very evily. All the ponies turned into tickles. I put the tickles on the remaining ponies so they were distracted. They all laughed very very hard! That gave my family a chance to attack! They hit and hurt the ponies that were laughing from the tickles. The ponies laughed so hard the ground was shaking. Then they died from my family. I smiled. That’s what those wicked evil creatures GET! No pony can escape my dark side. The monster inside of me will always be waiting to burst out again. Anypony can trigger the darkness! I went out of Twilight’s body. She was shaking. Hah! I traumatized the Princess of Equestria! Then, the princess said the best thing ever.
“I SURRENDER!”
When she said that, I smiled. The darkness inside of me scarred the princess so much, she didn’t want to fight anymore! That’s what she gets! I’m a really nice pony, but if you get on my nerves, you will wish you were never born. When I am done with your punishment, you will never hurt me again! The monster inside is always watching you. I will do anything to protect my family. Even if it means I have to destroy you permanently. Whenever you see me get angry, you might want to run away so you don’t get attacked by the thing that I become. My demons awaken every time something negative happens to me. My motto is Candy sweet on the inside, dark chocolate too! If you hurt my family, dark chocolate for you!
All my friends cheered. I turned back into Windheart and tickled them. I went into the hive, really tired. Fortis was there clapping at me. I tickled his hooves. He tickled mine. We tickled all night. I went outside to say hi to my friends.
10770058 I'd recommend, quite strongly, that each and every chapter be at least 1000 words each; 2000, if you want extra worldbuilding.
And trust me, you'll need the extra worldbuilding.
10770558
It’s not cannabiloisam if it’s not a pony
Wow, psychological torture? Executing and torturing surrendering/defeated opponents? Holy shit, Windheart is a villain. Nice plot twist.
10771234
These OCs were all villains, punishing ponies for the most minor offenses.
10771238
I know that, don't ruin the joke,
10771269
Sorryy—
Put some money in the swear jar.
Also is Flurry Heart all grown up or did phaynrx marry a small baby?
10771365
Flurry heart is am adult now
10771234
It’s because twilight let her sister die
10771464
What sister?
10771464
That doesn't justify being a monster and torturing a surrendering opponent. Geneva Conventions exist for a reason, and it's not just providing employment in the Hague.
10771461
Ah, so Phranyx is just a cradle robber.
Also you realize that while not blood related, our mane character and Twilight are family. If Flurry Heart is Phranyx's mate, most likely Fortis is her child. Fluffy Heart is Twilight's niece. Thats what, second cousin in law?
10771576
Family can be evil
10771547
Orbit
10771599
Yes, family can be evil. But we've seen how close Twilight is to her family. We've seen how close she is to Flurry Heart. I dont think Twilight's the kind of pony to throw away presumed familial bonds with Flurry Heart's husband, son, and daughter in law without any questions
This...
This is not how war is fought
10771668
It is!
10771684 Dude.
I'd advise you to use your eyeballs. I know they function; the fact you replied is proof enough of that.
Also, once again, at least a thousand words per chapter. We're trying to help you, and you're bullshitting.
Please, stop bullshitting at once. You'll get heavy flak otherwise, and an increasing dislike ratio.
10771689
Don’t force me to do that on all of them and my next chapter is going to be 1000!
10771684
Woman, I write war stories. I study military history. I may be 14, but I know how the hell war is fought, and this ain’t it chief
10771693
It’s not an American war though! And Windheart defeated everyone!
10771696 But that's one of the hallmarks of a Mary Sue.
Do you know the term yet? I'm asking because I wrote a Mary Sue before.
10771706
I gave her flaws!!!!1
10771696
Verdun wasn’t American, the Somme wasn’t American, the Blizkrieg wasn’t American, Rorke’s Drift wasn’t American, the first parts of the World Wars weren’t American, Stalingrad wasn’t American, the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t American, Hastings sure as hell wasn’t American
And it doesn’t matter! You’re arguing with someone who, while hasn’t been in combat, knows more about it than you
10771713 Yes, but the flaws don't impact her in any way that we can see.
Another reason for my urging you for 1k per chapter; character development. Heck, take a look-see at the stories of everyone commenting here. Tell me if you spot a common thread.
10771714
Well this is a different war!
10771726
This isn’t a war
Your OC is just showing off her power
This is basically a massacre of ponies
And the war started for basically no reason
Unless the ponies she killed were political figures, this isn’t worth going to war for
10771740
One of the Cool Mean Colts she killed was a very important pony that was Golden Armor’s Brother! Iron Armor!
10771748
Sooooooo
Why didn’t you say that?
10771726
Name a single war fought like this one.
Battles are hard to write for a lot of people and as a clearly young writer, I would encourage you look into some real historical battles before you write another war. There's nothing wrong with writing your war to reflect real life battles. It could really help you grow as a writer and even as a person.
10771754
It was going to be a plot twist!
10771757
It doesn’t have to be exactly the same!
10771775 Dude. What beef do you have against established show canon? Tell us. We'd like to know.
10771774
If you say so
Still, this “war” is triggering for me
Especially since I write war stories
Here, read this. This is a real war story.
10771775
Yes, that's correct. Nothing has to be exactly the same. But you want your readers to feel immersed into your story, don't you? Suspension of disbelief can only stretch so far. When you have a subject you're unfamiliar with, you should turn to real life research to facilitate that.
Do you take down notes as you write a story? Like how in schools teachers will make you write out rough drafts of essays before you write the actual essay. You start with almost bullet points, a sentence or two outlining what you intend to get across in that paragraph. Then you move onto a rough draft where the posts are flesh out even more. Finally the final draft where you refine things, add details that you forgot.
Stories work the same way. I've often found that when in doubt, read your story out loud. You may feel silly the first few times, but trust me it helps. You'll notice missing words, awkward sentence structure, you'll even realize places where you forgot to mention things .
10771748
Plot twist or no, that kind of information should at least be implied from the start or at least give a clue to the reader. Take if from someone who literally is in the Creative Writing department of her school. Plot twists need to be hinted at beforehand or they don't make any sense
10771783
._0
10771821
Hey, if you link random shit, I can link random shit
10771827
It’s boring
10771841
TTG is boring
10771843
Why?
10771848
It’s not true DC
And they ruined Tim Drake
And just
They ruined everyone for me
10771848
Every episode is just childish fart jokes and other immature shit featuring characters that are extremely OOC and none of them even have a good plot.
Hey, kind of like your stories
10771848 Dudebruh.
What's your beef against established show canon? I get it, it's had some gaffes (thanks a lot, Starlight Glimmer), but that doesn't change the fact that it's canon. At best, you might need the alternate universe tag.
10771850
10771852
No they are alll funny
My favorites are best boy and robbin
The jokes are funnier too
Give me an acuall example of a character that used to be good
I think they are all way better now
10771853
I don’t hate the canon
10771852
Exactly!
10771859
Tim Drake (aka Robin) was better in the Lego games