The cutie mark
The Cool Mean Colts started hitting us with magic bats. They hurt us and hurt us and hurt us and hurt us. My sisters cried. I wasn’t having it. These were the worst ponies ever! I slowly rose into the air slowly. My wings slowly and steadily went up slowly. I closed my eyes, which were magenta like Thoraxes but they looked like pony eyes. I was a hybrid after all! I rose my arms higher and higher. Soon, my eyes turned white and I felt a strange feeling on my flank. I felt like floating!
When I finally went down again, I opened my eyes and looked at my flank. It was a cutie mark! It was a dark magic cutie mark! It was a red wand in a sparkly circle cutie mark! I was happier than robin when he realized I like his legs. I now knew what to do. I blasted the Cool Mean Colts with black magic. The Cool Mean Colts rose into the air and turned into balloons. I popped them. All the changelings cheered! Thorax was shocked that I had a cutie mark! I squealed! 1 year later I went to visit Equestria. I went to Twilight’s castle. I walked into the castle. I waved at her. She didn’t look happy.
“Hi!!” I said! Twilight glared at me. I got worried. “H-hi?” I said. Twilight stomped her hooves and 195 guards came after me. I screamed very loud, very high, and very scared for more than 60 seconds. I quickly put my hoof up to stop those mean guards from touching me. Why would Twilight send gaurds after me!? That was the meanest thing she did so far! It was meaner than when someone said I was a weirdo for liking robins legs! She also ignored my hi’s. The Princess of Friendship is pretty mean to her friends! Maybe something sad happened to her! I can’t assume she’s a bully! I decided to ask her why is she so upset. Twilight told the guards to go back to Golden Armor.
Golden Armor is shining armor and Derpy’s son. He decided to be a royal guard after his dad told him to. He is 29 years old. Golden Armor has a wife named Melk. She is 59 years old. They met when his ex pegusus girlfriend Cheese Sandwich dumped him. Cheese Sandwich threw turkey pie on him and left to marry Pretzel. Pretzel is Treehugger and Double Diamond’s daughter. She moved to ponyville and fell in love with Cheese Sandwich when she and her mom Turkey Sandwich moved to Ponyville. Soon Pretzel engaged her. Melk helped Golden Armor get over his break up with Cheese Sandwich. Melk is pregnant and is having a baby now.
“We heard you turned over 150 ponies into balloons and popped them. You also turned 19 of them into Mice and changed into a cat to eat them. If this is true, I decided to declare war on you. Changelings are too dangerous for ponies to ally. Therefore, you have lost our trust for you. As the princess of Equestria, I declare us to fight through to destroy your kind. We can’t have changelings around. I wasn’t aware they never changed. It was my mistake to trust them. After we defeat you, we will take over your kingdom and claim your land. We will call it ponytopia. This amazing land will thrive with ponies and other creatures that are not like you. You have until tomorrow to prepare.” Said Twilight. This shocked me. That was so awful! Changelings are too dangerous. Too dangerous? I will show her too dangerous! She’ll wish she never said that! I ran away angry. I started crying. It was time to prepare!
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10769236
It’s because Windheart hurt the cool mean Colts!
10768895
???
Has Twilight been replaced by Chancellor Neighsay? This seems more like his MO
10769521
No she was mad
10769524
Is she going to close down her school then? Because this kind of goes against her schools philosophy.
10769525
She loves other creatures
Due to lack of details, I'm being led to assume they are attacking with their bare hooves. What the fuck kinda pathetic terrorist organization carries out an attack with no actual weapons?
Slowly3
Probably because you are floating.
Are we going to get a description of it? Cause right now, a dark magic butt tattoo might be a circle of sinister runes, or it might be Sombra's face.
Wow, that's some lame dark magic. I'd ask for a refund.
Were all those guards just waiting in ambush for the whole year? That has got the be the least efficient law enforcement I've ever seen.
Ah, yes. Attacking an allied kingdom with intent to carry out genocide is totally in character for Twilight.
Why not attack now, when you have the element of surprise?
10769627
Hey the cool mean Colts used magic!
So if Twlight was allied with the changeling before this, why were the cool mean colts allowed to grow to such numbers? Is she just fine with terrorist organizations growing and attacking her allies?
What benefits do they even have as allies if she doesn't help defend them against attacks?
10769639
That should be included in the story. Preferably with details of what kinda spells were used.
10769697
The Cool Mean Colts were good at disguising themselves to look like normal changeling-loving ponies
10769734
Yeah, and so are changelings. What about my other questions.
Okay, first of all, what’s wrong with Thorax? Not only is he painfully OOC when it comes to his hypothetical children, but do they just let him get away with him believing his “abusive wife” instead of his kids?
10769627
The 'slowly' bit reminds me of a Spongebob creepypasta which overused the word 'slow' to an absurd degree. So much so, in one dramatic reading, every time the narrator said a word relating to slow, the video slowed down!
10769802
Look at the author's name. I think that answers your question.
10769970
The “magic” part?
Then again, the author kept making up excuses and saying stuff that they never wrote in the story.
10769971
It's a common trope of fanfiction. To paraphrase Robin Bailes, 'magic is not a get out of jail free card for nonsensical crap.'
10769973
Correct.
10769213
Oh man and that’s just a paper about simple values and how laws should be made. Imagine reading all of our laws! H. R. 1 alone is over 700 pages!
10770022
The cutie mark crusader thing was a coincidence
10770058
And the thing with Thorax?
10770058
My guy, you should really answer comments in their entirety. That guy brought up three points in this comment, and some more in the previous one. And you just addressed one, leaving the other ones hanging.
10769483
So because a group of ponies antagonized them into getting the shit kicked out of them...
Did Twilight personally know those ponies? Were they more than just a group of her subjects, personal friends of hers?
You need to establish reasons within reasons as to why things happen the way they do.
If they are a group of random ponies with no personal importance to Twilight, why would she not attempt diplomacy and try to find out what happened?
Is Twilight a racist in this universe? or does she just harbor a distrust towards changelings after everything Chrysalis has done still? Does she only trust Thorax, Pharynx, and Ocellus if the latter is the case?
The act of declaring war is something that needs more gravity. If you want to make the mane 7 out to be the villains, then show Twilight calling their council and asking for their opinions on her planned course of action, and them chiming in with agreement for various reasons that seem within character, but ridiculous or petty. Have them egg on Twilight's already heated emotional state to push for it. Or for more drama, have them try to talk her down, and her go behind their backs to do it anyway.
if the latter, then explain why she ignored their council.
Fanfiction is a fantastic medium, where we have the freedom to explore what-ifs, alter events, and make up side stories.
But we still need to have reasoning and logic behind the actions that the characters take.
OC's need checks and balances to make sure they aren't Mary Sue's who can do no wrong and are immortal.
Every budding fanfic author has gone through that phase, they have an oc they think is awesome, so they make them a walking deus ex machina... that's a good way to make people hate your story.
Two of the best pieces of advice for writing I've ever seen amount to basically the same thing:
"If you love your characters, don't be afraid to break them."
Put them through hardships, make them fail and be miserable, have them have to make hard choices with no right answer.
Rake them over the coals and break them in half, and let that define how they move forward.
War is powerful, brutal, and full of hard choices for a ruler. Let Windheart suffer through them without a quick fix to everything.
You want a good example of that, then read and understand this story, The Break of Day
The choices of personal morality vs ensuring the survival of ones people by any means. They can take a toll on a leader and change them, some for the better, often for the worse.
If you want to get better, then don't just write, read. Read and learn from what others have written.
And.. Brevity is not always a good thing. Fimfic used to have a rule that if a new story wasn't at least 1500 words in the first two chapters, it wouldn't even be considered for publishing.
Expand on ideas, paint the scenery with descriptions of the areas around the characters, describe the characters and any outfits they may be wearing. Find a level of detail that you feel comfortable writing in, and stick with it.
10769980
Indeed.
10770017
What's HR1?
Umm.. Cheese Sandwich is male, and in the very last episode of mlp, he’s married to Pinkie Pie and they have a son.