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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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OHHHH I SEE ME A HECKIN UPDATE!
much happy warbles...
Lost Temple is a cool dude. I hope nothing bad happens when he gets north.
10978543
I wanted to update every seven days sharp, but real life is a pain...
I just having a blast with this and I'm very happy you like it too!
10978665
i don't like it.
I LOVE IT!!!
as a warble, i can verify there is a clear defined difference.
Hmm...no snuggles...internal screeching intensifies.
We need gilda and grunhilda to make with the snuggles!!! XD
an arm over the side isn't snuggling, there needs to be nuzzles, and warbles, petting and kneading of fur, and maybe some preening, and beak rubs and maaaaybe some kisses. Maybe.
All humor aside, great chapter. Needs some light editing, words missing from some sentences, and a few strangely worded sentences. Go over it with a fine toothed editors comb. ^^
10980246
Yeah, humor or no, I had promised, so I should explain.
The original outline for this chapter included a scene with Gilda teaching Grunhilda how to preen (I even stopped and thought about the uropygial gland and if griffons would even have something like that or if preening would simply be mechanically fixing the feathers for them), but even if it's supposed to be non-sexual, it is something intimate and they're in a situation where they they don't have the privacy for much. Not to mention that they are working.
So I decided to postpone the scene and give them some time to rest and prepare in Wayfarer's Rest, not to mention that Gilda needs to find someone to give Grunhilda the basics about archery. The point is that they'll be safe, without anything important going on, so I thought that it was to be benefit of the story to do that.
Not to mention that Grunhilda has a few funny moments coming because you can imagine she's not very experienced in romance.
And I agree... Arm over another isn't proper snuggling. It's just pre-snuggling.
Now, about the strangely worded sentences... That is probably because English is not my first language and those didn't set off the alarm in my head. Can you point me to an example? The same about missing words. I don't have the excuse that this chapter was rushed like the one about the fight. Please, point me to an example. I do go over the story. I do three drafts and yet one spellchecking run of every chapter and it has a pre-reader. If something is wrong it's because I'm not aware I'm doing it wrong.
Again, I really appreciate the readership and the honesty.
10980604
Whoa, that was quite the reply there.
no worries. i'm playing with ya on the snuggling. you write what feels right for each chapter okay? that's what makes it good!
as for examples:
"The whole area looked a lot more colorful, with lush green trees verdant grass and the small stream," -- should be an "a" instead of "the". also need a comma between trees and verdant.
"It was a sizeable forest they had been flying over and that clearing made her think that they always used that spot."--change "that" to "the". and the sentence will flow better. too many "that" in this sentence.
"Once in the ground, Gilda stretched her wings up with a loud groan and arched her back." -- change "in" to "on".
"Then she cracked her neck but looking to the side she caught Grunhilda stealing a glance at her with an adorable blush and then adjusting her bow across her back when she noticed Gilda looking at her." -- change this to:
"She cracked her neck, tilting her head slightly to the side. In doing so, she caught Grunhilda stealing a glance at her with an adorable blush across her cheeks. Grunhilda quickly broke eye contact and adjusted her bow across her back, when she noticed Gilda watching her."
I found several more instances where the sentences just sort of go on too long, and need periods, or comma's in some cases. other times it's simple word placement. the above examples i found are a good view of that.
you might type something like: "She carried on to do the task she was asked to do, and it was really important."
when typing this flows better: "She carried on with her requested work, knowing it's importance."
just something I noticed ya do that you can improve upon!
hugs! I can't wait to see more from ya!
10980897
Understood. I'll keep that in mind!