From me to you

by principessaluna

so much pain.

Trigger warning // this chapter includes suicidal / self-harming thoughts.

While the maid was cleaning the last window, she heard the princesses yell at each other. From what the maid heard; the two sisters haven’t been getting along for quite some time now. This was the third time that they yelled at each other today. She didn’t know all the tea, nor did she want to know all of it. But she did seem worried how it affected the both of them. The last thing she heard, was a door opening and getting slammed shut.

“I hate her. I HATE HER.”, Luna screamed across her room. The night princess started to throw everything off everything, really. Frames with pictures down to the floor, the glass shattered in many pieces. The vases with plants and flowers, from nightstand to bed to floor, all broken. Several crowns landed outside the balcony. Her beloved mirror, broken in several pieces. Luna breathed heavily. She took her anger out on her room, her belongings. She lit her horn and broke her chair with a spell. She kept shooting magic everywhere, until it hit the mirror and then herself.

And there she laid, the princess of the night, or more like the princess of disaster? She opened her eyes, feeling nothing but the pain of the magic. She groaned. “I should’ve been more careful. Curse you, mirror.”, she sighed. Resting her hooves on the stomach, she got lost in her thoughts. Tears slowly came flowing. They streamed down her face, all the way to the ground. A knock on the door brought her back to reality.

“I heard a lot of shattering, princess. Is everything alright? May I come in?” Luna thought for a moment. “Everything’s fine. I’m alright. Please give me some space.”, she replied. The maid was not satisfied with the reply. “Are you sure? Your sist-“ “I do not want to talk about my sister, nor do I care what she has to say.”, Luna said in an angrier but still friendly tone. The maid sighed. Luna gathered herself and peaked through the door. “But thank you, for caring about me. Go and take the day off tomorrow, and enjoy your evening.”, Luna gave the maid a weak smile and closed the door again.

Surprised by Luna’s kind words, the maid made its way to the exit, where she crossed her path with the sun princess. “I can’t believe she said that! I thought we could talk about anything.”, Celestia sighed as she was talking to Twilight over a hologram. “I know princess… But to be fair, you seemed…”, Twilight didn’t know what to say. “Harsh.”, Spike said as he ran past Twilight. Celestia wanted to reply until she accidentally stumbled into the maid. “Oh, I’m sorry dear. Are you alright” “Yes I’m fine, princess... Thank you.”, the maid went on but hid herself to listen to the conversation of the two princesses. “Harsh? You really think I was harsh?”, Celestia asked desperately. “You got really upset when she talked to you about having self-harm thoughts. You started to yell, you scared her off. Usually, you’d try to show kindness and empathy, all you showed was disappointment.”, Twilight said without blinking. Celestia took a deep breath. “We will talk later; I am meeting Sunset and Starlight now to catch up on how things are going. If you need anything you can always send me a letter.”, with that Twilight was gone, Celestia alone with many emotions, not knowing how to handle them at all.

The maid couldn’t believe what she just heard. Was Luna doing that bad again? She thought she was doing a lot better. Maybe that was an illusion. The little earth pony gathered her strength and went to approach the sun princess. “Princess Celestia?” “Oh, it’s you again, little one. Can I help you?”, the maid looked down. “It’s about your sister…”, Celestia looked worried. “Yes, what is wrong with my beloved little sister?” “After the two of you… thought, I heard a lot of shattering in her room. I only saw her for quick moment, but she seemed… hurt?”, Celestia’s worry grew bigger. “Thank you for coming to me little one. I will talk to her ab-“, but the maid cut her off. “I think the best you can do now, is to let her calm down. She said she doesn’t want to talk to you. And I think you should calm down too, princess.”, the maid said. Celestia nodded and told the maid to leave, and so she did.

Meanwhile Luna took place on her bed. She looked for the envelope where she put all the letters for you. All the letters she has ever written to you, Celestia or anyone, she has put them in an envelope. On the envelope is written “words I’ll never say out loud”. For her, it was like a small safe space she had. She let a pen and a piece of paper appear, while ignoring the knocking of her sister at the door, and got lost in writing another letter…

“I have no idea how to start this. I don’t know if anyone is ever going to read this. I hope no one ever will. It would cause too much pain, but it would also explain a lot of things. But I don’t want anypony to go through this, through my horrible thoughts I have every day. Thoughts about dying, about tearing myself apart, about not wanting to go on any longer. The past few weeks have been filled with tears and a lot of pain. Every day I cry myself to sleep, and I wake up with my eyes being in a lot of pain. With me being in a lot of pain. I think about hurting myself again, just to feel something. I want to feel something. More than just this numbness.

I am a burden, aren’t I? I have turned once again to a problem for my older sister. She has to deal with me, again. Would it been better if I stayed trapped on the moon forever? I don’t believe I belong here. My place is not there. But where is it then? Should I just try to banish myself on the moon?

When I came back, I promised not to hurt myself anymore. I haven’t done anything. I tried to talk to Tia about it, but she got angry ,and she is disappointed in me, to even have those thoughts again. I want to be angry at her, but I can’t. I probably would have reacted the same way like her. There’s not a lot of things I hate; the thing I hate the most is myself.

How does it feel to be loved? How does it feel to not live in a constant fear? The constant fear of never being enough, being alone and ending up in loneliness. The fear of relapsing and tearing my skin apart, covering it in new scars. The fear of never being able to be loved, to disappoint everyone, to be a failure in life. I have let everypony down. I have failed once more. I am a failure, nothing more. I failed my subjects, I failed Twilight, I failed Sunset, I failed the other ones. I failed my sister, Celestia, whom I look up to the most. But most of all, I failed myself.

I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for being this shitty. I’m sorry for not being the perfect princess for my subjects, not being the perfect friend, the perfect sister. I wish I could do better. I wish I could do more. But I’m tired. Life doesn’t feel like life. It feels like a competition.

A co-“

Luna had to stop because her eyes were blurry from all the crying. Meanwhile Celestia still hasn’t stopped knocking on the door. She sat outside the door, waiting for Luna to open it. “Luna, please let me in. I know I was harsh, and I should have reacted another way. Please give me another chance. I don’t want to lose you again. I care about you. I care about what you think, I care about how you feel. I care about your feelings. I don’t like seeing you hurt. I want to see you smile again. I want to spend the evenings laughing with you, instead of screaming at each other. I want to disguise with you again, so we can play pranks on people, can go out and drink the night away. I want to watch you rise the moon. Please Luna. I want to watch the stars with you. I want to visit the dream realm. So, Luna please, let me in. You’re my sister, my light in the dark when I barely see anything. You mean the world to me, you’re my world. Please…”, Celestia started to sob. She begged Luna to let her in. But there was no reply to be heard.

Luna kept ignoring her sister and tried to focus on writing again.

“mpetition I don’t want to take part in. I thought life was supposed to be fun? I thought life was supposed to be about finding oneself, to grow and learn new things. But to me, it always feels like who is the better. Who’s the smarter pony, the better dressed, the faster, the one who earns more, the one with better skills etc. What happened to just enjoying the moment? What happened to not caring about what other ponies have to say? Why can’t we have nice things? Why does everything have to be a competition. This whole life, this world, nothing feels real.

Not even the dream realm gives me comfort. Many ponies suffer from nightmares, I cannot handle them all. There are too many. So many live-in fears. I wish I could take all the fears away.

But that’s not really the point of this letter. I actually lost the main point of the letter.

I want to die.

I don’t want to live anymore.

I guess you could take this as a suicide note, or just a letter I wrote to vent about. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it. I probably won’t, I don’t have the guts for it, anyway.

But I’m tired of feeling worthless, a burden to the entire world, the universe. How much pain do I have to take in? How much more do I have to suffer, to finally breathe again?

Didn’t I suffer enough as nightmare moon? I thought better times were coming, but it seems so impossible.

I don’t deserve this; I don’t deserve any of this.

I hope ponies will finally stop taking me for granted, I’m so tired.

So, to whoever reads this.

Please let me go

I know you don’t want me to go,
you want me to stay,
but I can’t stay
in a place
where I don’t belong,
maybe it’s selfish
maybe I’m selfish,
but I hope you understand
that I can’t handle
all of this,
I need to get away
from all this pain,
I love you so,
please let me go
please.

Your princess, Luna.”

After Luna wrote her last words, she but the letter into the envelope and let it disappear into thin air. She gathered herself and sat in front of the door, her back leaning against the wood.

Luna started to cry, and Celestia even harder. Through whole Canterlot, no, through entire Equestria you heard the two sisters cry in pain. They sat there, crying and leaning on the wooden doors, which kept them separated. They spent the night crying, hoping a sister would open the door, for a hug, to resolve the problem. But they cried into the late early mornings.

And maybe they’ve cried so much, that there were no tears left to cry. No more words left to say. They sat there, like they did hours ago. And maybe their bodies got so tired, that they passed out there.

At the end of the next day, no princess has moved, and who knows if that will ever change.

Author's Note:

A quick chapter I wrote as a vent.
I'm just so tired.
I apologise for all the errors, I'll fix them in the next few days.
I hope you're all okay <3
love a

Comments

[Evastarfall]

uh okay then are you gonna continue

[principessaluna]

11075712
yeah, I will :)

[ExplosionMare]

Hope you’re doing okay too

Also, glad to see another update!