Luna walked through the halls of Canterlot castle. She was done with the night court. The princess of the night stopped at a window and looked outside.
It was a beautiful dark blue, nearly black sky with tons of stars in it. Luna wanted to add some stars tonight. She‘s been feeling rather down, so she thought stars might brighten up her mood a bit. The moon was shining brighter than ever. It was full moon recently, so the moon will be gone soon.
Luna sighed, despite the fact that she didn‘t want to do it anymore. After a while she moved on too her chambers. She had another few minutes left until her break was over, before she had to go to the dream realm.
The blue pony walked past Celestia's room and peaked in. There was a white alicorn, who was snoring like a champion, sleeping on her bed. Luna smiled and blew out the candle with magic. Celestia must have forgotten to blew it out.
The younger alicorn closed the door and walked to her room. As she arrived in her room, she grabbed with her magic, a feather, some ink, and a piece of paper and lay down on the floor.
Luna stared at the paper for a bit. Like it has already words written on there, all the words she ever wanted to say. But in reality, it's just blank, no words written, no ink drops on it.
The night princess took a deep breath, dipped the feather into the ink, and started writing...
From me to you.
I have no idea who will read this, so I will call you, you. This makes sense, right? I sure hope it does.
I have no one to really talk to, so I'm writing this letter instead. I hope you're okay with me, sharing my thoughts with you. You seem to be the only who listens to me, who cares about me, who doesn't leave.
Lately, everything's been so hard, and I feel lonely. I always find myself alone, in my room, with my thoughts. Celestia has been quite… busy. One day she is in Canterlot, the other day there is something wrong in another city and she'll be gone for days, which leaves me all alone. Day court is cancelled when she's gone. Her reasoning is... I don't know how to express it
"You already have enough on your plate little sister. With the dream realm and night court. The day court will be cancelled as I do not want that you over work yourself."
To me, it sounded more like "You're not capable of running the day court.", thanks for that one, sis.
She always tells me, she's there for me. You know, like any good sister would say. But whenever I want to talk to her, she pushes me away. She'd tell me, later, not right now. A few weeks ago I was having a terrible day, I just wanted to vent... but she ended up saying: "Not right now Luna. I cannot deal with you right now."
Ever since then, I've been spiralling all the way down. I guess you understand that, why I feel like this?
I've been having... bad thoughts lately, like I haven't in a while. To be exact, ever since I turned into my normal self, princess Luna. It feels like I slipped back.. into my old habits. Overthinking every little thing I do, wondering if ponies actually love me... care about me.
When I turned back to normal Luna, I used to self-harm for a while, until Celestia caught me one night. I do not want to go into detail with this one, though after that I stopped. Ever since then I've been clean. I lost track how long it already has been, it seems like forever. But with feeling tense all the time, I do miss it, a bit. Not the regret I get from doing... but the 10 seconds between after doing it and before the regret hits in... It probably doesn't make much sense to you, does it? But I won't do it, because I am stronger than that.
Oh, to be able to feel something else than... that. Sometimes I ask myself if this is all my fault that...
A tear dropped onto the paper and smudged the ink. Luna didn't notice that she was crying while writing the letter. She put the feather away and went on her balcony to take some air.
She watched the stars move. It's one of the things she liked to do. Watch and observe how things, ponies... anything moved. After a while she went back in and started to write again...
I got kind of distracted, didn't I? I didn't notice I was... tearing up. It's kind of a relief, you know? I haven't really talked to anyone about it, let alone tried to understand why I feel like this.
Where was I? Everything is smudged, so I can't read it anymore. Maybe it'll come to my mind again. I recently got an invitation to a sleep over at Twilight's castle. I declined with kind regards.
You probably ask why I did that. I wasn't feeling too well, I didn't want to socialise. I don't trust myself enough to be around other ponies. I mean, why would they want to spend time with me? Twilight has sent me another letter, telling me about her friend... Sunset Shimmer, I think? If I remember clearly, she used to be the student before Celestia.
She struggles with making friends too. At least that's what Twilight mentioned in her letter. She also added that Sunset has made friends, had sleep overs and that she is doing much better now. Sometimes I wish I could talk to Sunset; she'd probably understand me. What do you think?
But then again, I didn't attend for multiply other reasons, the list is endless.. but like..
Look at me. I am weird, I have scars all over my body. I behave different, I talk too fast, too slow.. I'm everything that Celestia isn't. Celestia is everything I wish to be. I mean things have gotten better between us, I think. I'm not as much as in her shadow anymore as I used to be. Sometimes it feels like I still am.
Re-reading all of this makes me realise how messy this is. Nothing is really in order; I jump to one thought to another. You, I hope you're okay with that. I am sorry, I cannot keep my thoughts in order, in a straight line. They are all over the place and pop up whenever they want to. I am all over the place.
My break is nearly over, and I need to get going. I really don't want to, I lack the strength to fight off nightmares. I don't want to. But if I don't, everyone will be disappointed in me. I don't want to disappoint Celestia... again.
Luna gave in, put the feather and ink back on the table, left the letter to dry on the floor. She got up, wiped her tears away and teleported herself to the dream realm.
As she walked through the dreams, it seemed like time would never pass. For her fortune, no one has had a nightmare, yet. The little alicorn hoped it would stay this way.
At some point she walked into her sister’s dream.
“Oh Discord, you’re such a tease!”, the white alicorn said.
“Why, thank you princess!”, Discord took a sip from his tea. Next to him was sitting Sombra… And between Sombra and her was Chrysalis.
Luna was not quite sure if this was a nightmare or if it’s just a normal dream. Though, she stood there for a bit, watched them talk and laugh. After a while she noticed how she’s tearing up again. About to leave to the next dream, all of them disappeared and Celestia stood in front of her little sister, Luna.
“Is everything alright Luna?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I guess.”, Luna mumbled.
Tia snuggled her nose. “You’ve been in this dream quite a while, what’s upsetting you?”, she asked.
“Nothing, I’ll see you at breakfast.”, and with that Luna disappeared back to the real realm. The only thing she heard before she left was another sigh from Celestia.
Blue magic appeared, and Luna was back on her comfortable bed. The clock rung and it was time for Celestia to get up and start the day.
Once again Luna got out on the balcony and lowered the moon, while she felt her sisters presence, rising the sun.
Luna went back inside, locked everything, and went back to writing…
Back I am. It has been an exhausting night; I am glad this is all finally over. For it all to be over. The pain, the thoughts, the feelings; everything.
I don’t think Celestia will ever understand. One day she cares, the other it’s like she’s glad if I go back to the moon. Today she is leaving again to… Manehatten I think? I do not remember; I didn’t pay attention. Which means I will be alone, again, as usual.
I regret a bit going into her dream. I mean it’s not my business, but it seemed like she enjoyed being with them… More than with me. I start to run out of words, my head seems so empty, while before it always seemed so full.
Is that normal, you? Is it normal to feel like this?
You’re not going to leave me, right? You’re not going to leave me behind like everyone else… I am afraid, I am afraid of being alone like I am right now. What if I will end up like that again because I am a burden to everyone?
I don’t have much time left before I have to say goodbye to my sister. I hope no one will ever find this poorly written letter. But these are my thoughts, and this is my only safe space I can let them out.
I wish I could have written more. But thank you for listening anyway, you. This is all still new to me, coping like this. And I know that all my thoughts are not really structured but I hope with practice, my thoughts will be more organised.
I need to get going. I will keep you updated I promise. Wherever you are you, know that I am always thinking of you, that I am always there.
with lots of love from a simple pony
your princess, Luna.
And so, princess Luna put all her things away, unlocked everything, and made her way to say goodbye to her sister.
Princess Luna was on her way to leave the dream realm and back to the real world. She visited the last dream for the night, and her older sister, princess Celestia, was about to wake up and start the day. The moon princess peaked into one last dream, the one of her sister’s.
She took a deep breath and went to look in it. It was rather a calm dream. There were bubbles everywhere, flowers, a lake and much more. Luna spotted her sister taking a relaxing bath in the lake, but she seemed sad. Slowly her wings flew her to her sister and saw the tears slowly rolling down the face of her beloved sister.
Before she was able to do anything, her sister woke up and Luna ended up back in the real world, on her bed, where she started her duty last night.
The mirror reflected Luna’s emptiness. She felt lost and alone. What was her sister hiding from her?
Instead of checking on her sister, she decided to confront the sun princess in the evening, to give her some space and time. She used her magic to let a pen and a piece of paper and started to write.
“Dear you, wherever you are right now, I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’ve eaten, drunken something and that you’re happy. And if you haven’t eaten, go eat something. And if you haven’t drunken anything, go drink something. And if you’re not happy, that’s okay too. I have been doing quite fine, to say the least. Summer started and everything has been going well. I met up with Twilight and her friends for a few parties and other things. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash taught me some amazing pranks. I was able to help out Apple Jack and Apple Bloom at the farm.
Rarity used me as a model to design an entire fashion line based on dreams, stars, and my beloved moon. My friend who always gives me comfort. And I also made a lot of new animal friends! I spent a week at Fluttershy’s, and we had lots of fun! In addition to that, I started to befriend Discord again, and we’re starting to become close friends again. With Twilight, I read some old books. And if she wasn’t around, I read comics with Spike. Not to forget when I met my encounter part vice principal Luna at Canterlot high! And obviously all the others. It was nice talking to Sunset Shimmer. Always great to talk to someone who understands you, in one way or another.
It was all fun and games, though I did have my lows. You know, the lows everyone has. The ones that come and go, never seem to end but pass anyway? I wrote a poem to it. Do you want to read it? Kind of stupid to ask, isn’t it? You’ll have to read it now anyway.
why do I feel the way I do?
why do I feel the way I do? all the feelings rushing through my body like raindrops falling on my fur on a stormy day. why do I have to be the way I am? why can’t I be like everyone else, a star that fits into the sky with all the others. why do I feel the way I do?
Before you come at me and tell me how bad it is, those lines are just words. Words that can be so meaningless but mean so much to someone. Sometimes I wish I could write more than that. More than words that seem so grey and useless, but yet so deep. Lines that make no sense, but all together have such a wonderful meaning. Ahh. I did pass my low, but I feel like my sister did-“
A sudden knock on the wooden door threw the princess out of her thoughts. An exhausted white princess stepped into the room.
“Is everything alright?”, the younger one asked. The older nodded with her head. “I just wanted to see where you were, since you didn’t show up to breakfast, again.”, she sighed. “Oh shit.”, Luna thought to herself.
“I’ll make up to it! I’ll cook lunch for us?”, the night princess asked. With sadness in her eyes, the sun princess nodded and left the room once more.
Luna picked up her writing and continued…
“n’t. As you probably saw now. Or heard? Do you even see what happens if I don’t mention it on the letter? Can you read my thoughts or? Well – it doesn’t matter. Celestia has been in this hole for a really long time. Her dreams always seem so relaxed, but she always ends up crying in them. Whenever I am about to try to turn her dream into something better, she wakes up.
Maybe she notices me? Do I have to be quieter? I don’t know, I’m running out of ideas. Could it be that this is her way to cope? My sister may be strong, but even she has her flaws and problems. I wish she would talk to me about it. I really do.
To be fair, she did miss out on all the fun stuff I did. Of course, I was tired when I had to do my nightly duties, but I was still able to spend a lot of time with the others. Celestia on the other hand, was busy all day with day court and everything.
Apparently, court has been hard on her. A lot of ponies want something from her, but she cannot satisfy everyone. This makes her really upset, because she tries to be the perfect princess everyone wants her to be.
I asked her a few times if she wants to join me. But she always declined in her polite way. I miss the way her eyes used to shine. The colours are fading away, and they shine no longer. I saw the awful pain when I left to visit Sunset. She really wanted to go too.
I talked to Sunset visiting us. The summer holiday over there starts soon. The flame haired teenager said she’d come over as soon as the holidays starts. When I remember clearly, it’s another week. Maybe I should write a letter to Twilight and ask her if she has time to come over for tea.
After all, Celestia loves spending time with Twilight. I’ll write a letter to her as soon as I finished writing this one. And I will convince Celestia to take the day off tomorrow! I mean, I can handle the day court for a day or two!
You, I know it has been a long time since I wrote to you. And you deserve an apology. But first I wanted to thank you for still being here.
But as you read, I was quite busy.”
Luna put the pen aside and took a deep breath and made her way to day court. She had a plan in mind. The more the princess of the night wrote, she tried different ways to write. With a feather, pen, a typing machine, and computer. In the end, she decided to stick with the pen.
Time has passed and Luna came back into her room, with the biggest smile on her face.
“Words have so much strength. So many ponies don’t know how small words can have an impact on others. I wish people would understand that. You can sweeten one’s day with sweet words, or make it bitter with hurtful ones. Bittersweet words are the sour ones you think look sweet, but in the inside, they’re as bitter as the soul of the owner of them.
Enough of the deep things, I still owe you that apology.
I didn’t forget about you, I was just busy. I wrote letters to myself, instead to you. I felt like a burden for a while. I didn’t want to disturb you. No matter what, you listen. Always.
I hope when you read this, you’ve eaten and drunken something. If not, you should go and do that now. And if you’re still not happy, that’s fine. Just believe me when I say it’ll get better, it will get better. I promise. I swear to the moon and back.
And so, I promise to write to you soon. Sooner than later.
Your friend and princess
Luna”
The wooden door opened once again and a smiling Celestia walked in. Her sister put the letter aside, grabbed her things and went on an adventure with her beloved sister.
While Celestia was getting ready for court, Luna went to cancel it. Celestia never would have had the guts to do that. But her sister did, and she was very thankful for that.
Then for a bit, just for a while, Celestia’s colours came back and her eyes shined once again.
Trigger warning // this chapter includes suicidal / self-harming thoughts.
While the maid was cleaning the last window, she heard the princesses yell at each other. From what the maid heard; the two sisters haven’t been getting along for quite some time now. This was the third time that they yelled at each other today. She didn’t know all the tea, nor did she want to know all of it. But she did seem worried how it affected the both of them. The last thing she heard, was a door opening and getting slammed shut.
“I hate her. I HATE HER.”, Luna screamed across her room. The night princess started to throw everything off everything, really. Frames with pictures down to the floor, the glass shattered in many pieces. The vases with plants and flowers, from nightstand to bed to floor, all broken. Several crowns landed outside the balcony. Her beloved mirror, broken in several pieces. Luna breathed heavily. She took her anger out on her room, her belongings. She lit her horn and broke her chair with a spell. She kept shooting magic everywhere, until it hit the mirror and then herself.
And there she laid, the princess of the night, or more like the princess of disaster? She opened her eyes, feeling nothing but the pain of the magic. She groaned. “I should’ve been more careful. Curse you, mirror.”, she sighed. Resting her hooves on the stomach, she got lost in her thoughts. Tears slowly came flowing. They streamed down her face, all the way to the ground. A knock on the door brought her back to reality.
“I heard a lot of shattering, princess. Is everything alright? May I come in?” Luna thought for a moment. “Everything’s fine. I’m alright. Please give me some space.”, she replied. The maid was not satisfied with the reply. “Are you sure? Your sist-“ “I do not want to talk about my sister, nor do I care what she has to say.”, Luna said in an angrier but still friendly tone. The maid sighed. Luna gathered herself and peaked through the door. “But thank you, for caring about me. Go and take the day off tomorrow, and enjoy your evening.”, Luna gave the maid a weak smile and closed the door again.
Surprised by Luna’s kind words, the maid made its way to the exit, where she crossed her path with the sun princess. “I can’t believe she said that! I thought we could talk about anything.”, Celestia sighed as she was talking to Twilight over a hologram. “I know princess… But to be fair, you seemed…”, Twilight didn’t know what to say. “Harsh.”, Spike said as he ran past Twilight. Celestia wanted to reply until she accidentally stumbled into the maid. “Oh, I’m sorry dear. Are you alright” “Yes I’m fine, princess... Thank you.”, the maid went on but hid herself to listen to the conversation of the two princesses. “Harsh? You really think I was harsh?”, Celestia asked desperately. “You got really upset when she talked to you about having self-harm thoughts. You started to yell, you scared her off. Usually, you’d try to show kindness and empathy, all you showed was disappointment.”, Twilight said without blinking. Celestia took a deep breath. “We will talk later; I am meeting Sunset and Starlight now to catch up on how things are going. If you need anything you can always send me a letter.”, with that Twilight was gone, Celestia alone with many emotions, not knowing how to handle them at all.
The maid couldn’t believe what she just heard. Was Luna doing that bad again? She thought she was doing a lot better. Maybe that was an illusion. The little earth pony gathered her strength and went to approach the sun princess. “Princess Celestia?” “Oh, it’s you again, little one. Can I help you?”, the maid looked down. “It’s about your sister…”, Celestia looked worried. “Yes, what is wrong with my beloved little sister?” “After the two of you… thought, I heard a lot of shattering in her room. I only saw her for quick moment, but she seemed… hurt?”, Celestia’s worry grew bigger. “Thank you for coming to me little one. I will talk to her ab-“, but the maid cut her off. “I think the best you can do now, is to let her calm down. She said she doesn’t want to talk to you. And I think you should calm down too, princess.”, the maid said. Celestia nodded and told the maid to leave, and so she did.
Meanwhile Luna took place on her bed. She looked for the envelope where she put all the letters for you. All the letters she has ever written to you, Celestia or anyone, she has put them in an envelope. On the envelope is written “words I’ll never say out loud”. For her, it was like a small safe space she had. She let a pen and a piece of paper appear, while ignoring the knocking of her sister at the door, and got lost in writing another letter…
“I have no idea how to start this. I don’t know if anyone is ever going to read this. I hope no one ever will. It would cause too much pain, but it would also explain a lot of things. But I don’t want anypony to go through this, through my horrible thoughts I have every day. Thoughts about dying, about tearing myself apart, about not wanting to go on any longer. The past few weeks have been filled with tears and a lot of pain. Every day I cry myself to sleep, and I wake up with my eyes being in a lot of pain. With me being in a lot of pain. I think about hurting myself again, just to feel something. I want to feel something. More than just this numbness.
I am a burden, aren’t I? I have turned once again to a problem for my older sister. She has to deal with me, again. Would it been better if I stayed trapped on the moon forever? I don’t believe I belong here. My place is not there. But where is it then? Should I just try to banish myself on the moon?
When I came back, I promised not to hurt myself anymore. I haven’t done anything. I tried to talk to Tia about it, but she got angry ,and she is disappointed in me, to even have those thoughts again. I want to be angry at her, but I can’t. I probably would have reacted the same way like her. There’s not a lot of things I hate; the thing I hate the most is myself.
How does it feel to be loved? How does it feel to not live in a constant fear? The constant fear of never being enough, being alone and ending up in loneliness. The fear of relapsing and tearing my skin apart, covering it in new scars. The fear of never being able to be loved, to disappoint everyone, to be a failure in life. I have let everypony down. I have failed once more. I am a failure, nothing more. I failed my subjects, I failed Twilight, I failed Sunset, I failed the other ones. I failed my sister, Celestia, whom I look up to the most. But most of all, I failed myself.
I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for being this shitty. I’m sorry for not being the perfect princess for my subjects, not being the perfect friend, the perfect sister. I wish I could do better. I wish I could do more. But I’m tired. Life doesn’t feel like life. It feels like a competition.
A co-“
Luna had to stop because her eyes were blurry from all the crying. Meanwhile Celestia still hasn’t stopped knocking on the door. She sat outside the door, waiting for Luna to open it. “Luna, please let me in. I know I was harsh, and I should have reacted another way. Please give me another chance. I don’t want to lose you again. I care about you. I care about what you think, I care about how you feel. I care about your feelings. I don’t like seeing you hurt. I want to see you smile again. I want to spend the evenings laughing with you, instead of screaming at each other. I want to disguise with you again, so we can play pranks on people, can go out and drink the night away. I want to watch you rise the moon. Please Luna. I want to watch the stars with you. I want to visit the dream realm. So, Luna please, let me in. You’re my sister, my light in the dark when I barely see anything. You mean the world to me, you’re my world. Please…”, Celestia started to sob. She begged Luna to let her in. But there was no reply to be heard.
Luna kept ignoring her sister and tried to focus on writing again.
“mpetition I don’t want to take part in. I thought life was supposed to be fun? I thought life was supposed to be about finding oneself, to grow and learn new things. But to me, it always feels like who is the better. Who’s the smarter pony, the better dressed, the faster, the one who earns more, the one with better skills etc. What happened to just enjoying the moment? What happened to not caring about what other ponies have to say? Why can’t we have nice things? Why does everything have to be a competition. This whole life, this world, nothing feels real.
Not even the dream realm gives me comfort. Many ponies suffer from nightmares, I cannot handle them all. There are too many. So many live-in fears. I wish I could take all the fears away.
But that’s not really the point of this letter. I actually lost the main point of the letter.
I want to die.
I don’t want to live anymore.
I guess you could take this as a suicide note, or just a letter I wrote to vent about. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it. I probably won’t, I don’t have the guts for it, anyway.
But I’m tired of feeling worthless, a burden to the entire world, the universe. How much pain do I have to take in? How much more do I have to suffer, to finally breathe again?
Didn’t I suffer enough as nightmare moon? I thought better times were coming, but it seems so impossible.
I don’t deserve this; I don’t deserve any of this.
I hope ponies will finally stop taking me for granted, I’m so tired.
So, to whoever reads this.
Please let me go
I know you don’t want me to go, you want me to stay, but I can’t stay in a place where I don’t belong, maybe it’s selfish maybe I’m selfish, but I hope you understand that I can’t handle all of this, I need to get away from all this pain, I love you so, please let me go please.
Your princess, Luna.”
After Luna wrote her last words, she but the letter into the envelope and let it disappear into thin air. She gathered herself and sat in front of the door, her back leaning against the wood.
Luna started to cry, and Celestia even harder. Through whole Canterlot, no, through entire Equestria you heard the two sisters cry in pain. They sat there, crying and leaning on the wooden doors, which kept them separated. They spent the night crying, hoping a sister would open the door, for a hug, to resolve the problem. But they cried into the late early mornings.
And maybe they’ve cried so much, that there were no tears left to cry. No more words left to say. They sat there, like they did hours ago. And maybe their bodies got so tired, that they passed out there.
At the end of the next day, no princess has moved, and who knows if that will ever change.