- Member Since 4th Apr, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 25th, 2023
Jasonpleasant
I love to sing, dance, play guitar, make videos, and I like to voice act
Jasonpleasant
Joined 4th Apr, 2016 ·
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This could use some work. Most noticeably, better breaking apart of the paragraphs. Some of that, however, could be done by expanding the concepts and going into more detail with some of the concepts. For instance, a description on what kind of pleasure they are deriving from bouncing on the balls, or what they're doing either to enjoy themselves more or hold of climax.
10632758
I appreciate the great tips. Probably should have thought about that when I was writing it. I just got lost in the moment
Why wasn't A.J. or Sunset in this?
10797541
Might make a sequel to it someday and add them in there
I think a good way to put what I’m thinking into words is show don’t tell
Like say you want to describe the end of a sword fight you could say “person A ended the fight severing Person B’s head from their body”
But that doesn’t immerse the reader in the story a better way to write it would be “Person A spotted the opening in Person B’s pattern and swiftly brought their gleaming blade down on their foe’s neck, in those final seconds there was fear and then pain in person B’s eyes before the stony gaze of death was all that remained”
Instead of describing the action the person is taking like in the first example the second describes the things that are involved from the sword to what person B was expressing. However in a story like this sensations are what is likely to get readers immersed in what you’re presenting for example the feeling of the ball things the characters are sitting on, are they smooth or rough, are they slippery or do they grip on to the person touching them as well as what pleasures the characters are feeling