Discord is capture and has no idea who is the creature that was able to kidnap him. What little did Discord know that the person who captures him was only his dear friend Fluttershy and all he wants to know why?
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Lilcmoe
Joined 21st Jan, 2017 ·
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Lilcmoe · 12k words · 479 views
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- Lilcmoe · 12k words · 479 views
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This needs a full version on how she broke him. I'm very impressed.
A very interesting concept! I think you did pretty well in nailing the confusion and panic that Discord is feeling...as well as how scary and unnatural Fluttershy is acting.
It's almost tragic...Discord is implied to have really liked Fluttershy, and if things had just continued, he would have loved her...but now she's going to break him until he loves her, and she'll probably be unhappy when she 'wins', and she won't fully understand why...
My main suggestion: make sure to proofread and catch any mixed-up words or grammatical mistakes. The main thing I noticed while reading:
Should be 'know' and 'break'.
Other than that...I would suggest trying to break up paragraphs a bit more. It's more of a personal preference for me, but breaking paragraphs into sections of different sizes (varying between small, medium, and large) is better than having mostly large paragraphs.
10530305
Thank you I truly did not see those grammar errors and I will try to figure out how I will break up more paragraphs due to me getting used to an author writing structure compare to a playwright writing structure. Really thank you so much for the feedback.
10530095
Thank you plenty but I am doing the full story in three books. This will help me to improve and properly plan out the story beats; the one thing I am figuring out for the pre-sequel is how to make Fluttershy 'snap' and what makes her plot out her plan to kidnap Discord. I love sudden events happen to characters because that is how life works, but I do want something that sparks that motive and cause them to act.
10530717
Maybe before she "snap" she realized some of her friends had feelings for him.
10531067
Maybe some side characters like Barry Punch and Treehugger. Then Trixie as his second-best friend to Discord that will make Fluttershy get paranoid that he might develop feelings for her. That actually might work.
Thank you that helped a lot
10531242
Are you planning on killing all of her friends? (Or at least someone who is "close" to him) that includes The princess
10531317
Celestia is actually not included in the story at all, yes, she is in the worldbuilding but she is not going to be in the story. The reason for this is that Fluttershy already accepted that Discord hangout with Celestia but never see her as a threat. As much I want to see Fluttershy kill an all-powerful alicorn; there is a story already have that scenario just not explored like this story.
10532978
Interesting. Well whatever plan you have, I'll be glad to read it.
Are you planning on writing another part with how is she breaking him?
I want to know what happens next
This is how I imagined Discord with his crazy ex Cosmo
10997755
I know right