Moonlit_Stardust
Joined 12th Mar, 2018 ·
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- Moonlit_Stardust · 5.8k words · 47 6 · 1.1k views
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Your off to a good start. It would be nice to know what season this occurs in. I'm going to assume that Equestria Girls has not happened yet otherwise Twilight have a good idea what happened.
10418266
It’s set about a year after the season one opening two parter (more specifically, Just after Dragonshy) so yeah, you can guess how bad the ponies are atm.
10418278
Oh boy. And the fact that I only see Applejack and Rainbow Dash tagged and not the Mane 6 means something bad is coming...
10418303
.....Yeah lets just say, The Salt will be doubled and leave it at that
Sounds nice so far. The pace is rather fast, and I think the story could benefit from it being a bit slower, but what you have here is enough to keep the readers informed what’s going on as well as communicate your character’s thoughts clearly.
Your grammar is rather solid, though there’s quite a lot of random errors (which I won’t point out here for the sake of keeping the comment moderately short), and, mainly, there’s a really large amount of capitalised words that don’t need to be capitalised at all. Furthermore, I noticed some recurring issues in direct speech, can show you how to fix these, if you want
10506023
The pace is purposeful, it will slow down around chapter five-ish.
Yeah the capitulation is Google Docs fault, I don't know why it's doing it.
I will take any advice offered!
Run like hell!
Run Forest, Run!
Nice to see this chapter out a little early. I just thought he would have been slower and weaker due to lack of food and water. Let's hope he can find some water asap next chapter.
10607950
They were feeding him the bare basics (otherwise he would be dead by now, Him dieing would have been counterproductive to what they wanted) via Intravenous means, so while he IS a bit slower and a bit weaker, it's not as bad as it could be. Adrenaline is one hell of a Drug after all, but it has downsides and they will show later on.