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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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*puts hands to face* yep, my eyes melted.
First of all, let me say that I enjoyed this very much. The Cakes are definitely my favorite canon couple, and I love to write them. I don't mean to presume, but were you, perhaps, inspired by my recent foray into humanization? (If so, I'm deeply honored.) This story was very sweet, cute, and surprisingly naughty, but in a good way.
One minor issue I had with the story is its voice. You seemed to be using a third-person omniscient voice, a.k.a. a point of view that can switch between any number of characters and divulge their inner thoughts, feelings, and desires. While that's not a bad choice, it's one that I've never found especially appealing. Giving us insight into both characters is all right, but I almost like it better when we can only see the story from a single point of view, and the character whose head we're inside has to guess what the other character thinks, feels, or wants. In clop especially, it gives a real chance to show how deep the love between the characters is when they can react to situations knowing how their partner will respond. Third-person omniscient, while a perfectly good voice, sometimes leaves me feeling flat. Like I said, though, this isn't a major thing, just something to consider for future projects.
The grammar isn't perfect, and there were a couple of typos and such, but that's nothing you can't fix with a quick once-over. As a personal preference, I don't enjoy dirty talk, but the back-and-forth between the two of them didn't come off as too forced or over-the-top, and I found it believable. (I do, however, enjoy lactation and breast play, so that definitely drew in my interest.) There didn't seem to be too much of a set-up, but I didn't feel let down or anything; rather than going into great detail about the story leading up to their intimate encounter, you chose to let the reader fill in most of the blanks, and I can respect that to a degree. There was a bit of repetition, which is something I struggle with as well, but it didn't detract too much from my enjoyment of the story. And there was enough of their back story interspersed in there to give me a good emotional connection, which I feel is the key element of any clop. All in all, it was a very solid effort, so well done.
Also, that picture is perfect.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/i_114d1b_729688.jpg
[img]C:\Users\nikki\Pictures\NATO PICS\MLP emots\misc_Colgate_beam.png[/img]
1167205 Whoops, sorry about that!
1167255 I was inspired from by your story 'A Delicious Slice of Cake' and before I posted this, I read your newest story. :) And as always, I thank you so much for critique. I'll look over it again for the grammar problems.
1169182 nah, im joking. in terms of clop ive read, i can at least say this was enjoyable in a funny way.
This. Is. AWESOME! You shall receive a mustache and an Octavia plot for your efforts. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
1170068 Sweet!
Cup and Carrot?
Why not Buck Cake and Cream Pie?
1175398 Who are they?
I felt those feels. I liked the story.
1563751 Good. :)
operatorchan.org/vg/src/136543989268.gif
Damn good work!
Chubby Cup Cake is best Cup Cake.
this is my fetish
4795459 But Cup Cake's always been chubby.
5621925 I know.
1167617 i can't believe my soon is reading these stories!.....
An excellent story.
Humanized isn't even my cup of tea, and I'm still going to fav and upvote this!