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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My only complaint is that your chapters need chapters!
he.. is a pegisus?
<-Why make Fluttershy cry?
Such sad story, everyone sitting on the edge of their seat wanting him to escape.
Our hero is a thief imagine that, well, at least his stealth skills are enhanced.
Whenever I read 'Whiplash,' I think of the mare in Friendship is Witchcraft. I almost can't take him seriously.
Loving the story so far.
the fuck? two hours after beginning and i just finished chpt 2. and im a goddam fast reader
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Likewise! This is a clearly very well written fic, and quite long at that. Hooray, something to keep my busy and distractable mind occupied.
You beat me mentaly, physically and emotionally with this chapter.
I am with this person: 1311176
Your chapters need chapters.
I can't believe how real the picture you're painting for this story is. I never thought there could be such hopelessness in the world. He did so much and got so little to show for it...
Damn.
Wow. This is FAR better than I had hoped it would be.
Hah. Was not expecting dad's army reference :-)
*Reads*
So? Are we supposed to feel bad for him? I'm sorry, but the case with Tragedies with OC's is that you need at least 40,000 words of him being in a decent place, ie the high point, before it start spiraling downwards, right now this simply isn't interesting, it's playing too much in inspiring an emotion that I simply do not feel with this story, answer me, why should I care for Murky Number Seven?
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because you have a heart?
Emotion?
Are (hopefully) a human?
Anyone would've already committed suicide by guard, radiation, or ganger. No semi-stable childhood, no solid base for emotional development, no purpose, Murk shouldn't be alive. It feels like I'm watching an ant squirm after being crushed. The worst possible thing a story can do is be boring. Even if it's poorly written and conceived, if it's interesting, most can overlook the flaws. But this is a well-written story that, on paper, should be good. But it's dull. I know it's supposed to be a realistic portrayal of whatever it's trying to be, but the author seems to forget that a story's first and most important purpose is to entertain. This isn't entertaining. This is boring, jarringly unpleasant, and pointlessly mean-spirited.
What makes Fallout Equestria so entertaining is the simple pleasure of seeing characters thrown into increasingly awful situations and growing stronger in the fight to overcome them. There's satisfaction. There's relief. Sometimes it's bittersweet, sometimes it's just bitter. But there's variety. Maybe Murk does escape soon, and maybe he starts struggling to exercise his will in an epic tale of healing and self-discovery. But it's not worth it for me to find out.
Great so far!
Oddly enough I always thought of Chainlink Shackles as a white pony, like Bulk Biceps, but evil.
my
"dad" should be capitalized since it's being used as a proper noun.
Ok... I admit I was skeptical at first. I had same issue with Project Horizons. I was not sure if I can attach myself to new character or a group after Little Pip and then after Blackjack...
But you know what ? This is well done and sort of even darker than other stories because it is from the perspective of slave who had no choice.
If there is little bit I would change in previous part it would be small parts of exact sentences said in the pit, maybe more closer innuendos on the events after Pip escaped, tough I know that Murky did not paid attention to it fully in his own mental state. But it would be welcomed notions for core fans.
5167295 And you say it's boring by just reading the first chapter?
I just realized that what he drew on the parchment near the beginning of the chapter is quite similar to the cover art for the story.
Just 2 chapters in he's nearly committed suicide already, jeez that's heavy. He had no good way to resolve the situation in the Slave Market without screwing himself over in some way, but it went even worse than that and he's got absolutely everyone involved out for his blood. Being Murky is suffering...
Sometimes I think I'm a fast reader and then I remember it took me like 2 and a half hours to finish this chapter.
*Nervously laughs in Blackjack*
Dad's Army! Ha! CLASSIC reference
ZZZZzzzz...
:/
“What!? He... he's a fucking pegasus! ”
Hol' up.
Insert falloutboy meme here.
I'm sure my comment will be hated but I feel like the author is just giving too much information. It's like towards the end of Project Horizons and it isn't that enjoyable to read. For example:
This was very well written but is it that important for us to know how exactly Medex feels. Just feels like overkill to me. Maybe some people enjoy this type of writing style but I enjoy reading as a past time after a long day and I'd rather tune out some parts which leads to me missing out context that is actually important and I end up confused.
This is a very interesting story and I'm sure it's reflective of how we can end up breaking out of our mundane lives that we believe we have to live. But I'll be putting this story on hold for a while because trying to get through one chapter just feels like a chore rather than enjoyment.
In Fallout Equestria we were exposed to the mysteries of what outside the stable was like and used Littlepip as an almost self insert where her decisions were rational and the reader could easily follow along, discovering new things. She had a clear mission objective. Like a video game.
At the beginning of Project Horizons we followed Blackjack as she is chased by a scary mechanical pony who wanted her dead. The first few chapters also showed the reader how she was being hyped up by DJ Pon3 and also incorporated an interesting dynamic with a side character, examining her relationship with a pony she pretty much raped her entire life. Discovering areas in the Hoof while having the clear objective of discovering what EC 1101 was. Also very game like. Both Somber's and Kkat's work have a footnote about their protagonist leveling up somehow to increase that immersion of being a protagonist in a video game. Having a footnote in this story, at least for these two chapter, just feels off because Murky doesn't feel like a protagonist from a Fallout Equestria franchise. He just feels like Slave 102213. There's nothing wrong with having a character who doesn't stand out but then adding footnotes at the end is almost like a reminder that "hey this guy is actually super important" when during the story it feels like "hey this guy is literally any other slave".
This story just feels like there isn't a clear objective other than trying not to die and get beaten too much. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a character that is weak. I enjoyed the moment where Murky didn't follow Number 6. It really showed how deeply he was brainwashed but his life right now just doesn't feel enjoyable to read. If you reference the hero's journey there isn't any type of call to action. It's like if the first few chapters of Fallout Equestria was just Littlepips life as a pipbuck mechanic.
With two chapters being 50k words we're at around chapter 9 of Kkat's story and around chapter 4 of Somber's story with both story's call to action being on the first chapter. Murky is not an enjoyable point of view to read from.
Many Fallout Equestria fans praise this so I'll be coming back but for now I'll put it on hold.
11478684
It's absolutely not hated, no! You explain your thoughts and critique calmly and politely, even if you're describing your personal dislike of aspects of my writing, I can't ever hate it being delivered with class and level tone. So don't worry about that!
I do hope you'll come back and check out more, MN7 I openly say is a slow burner to open partly through intent and partly through me being a very different writer then than I am now. (That was 12 years ago after all (before it came to FimFic), enough time to reflect...and now I said that number I feel horrified!)
11478970
Haha thanks for understanding. I mean I'm sure anyone can tell that you've put in a lot of work and love when writing these two chapters. I didn't want to seem like I was discrediting the amount of effort it took to write even one chapter.
There's just something about Fallout Equestria that I just love. Haven't found out what exactly yet but hopefully once I finish the Pink Eyes, Heroes, and your story I'll discover what it is that attracts me to this genre. Never played the game before so it still baffles me.
Somehow I'll feel like your story will resonate with me on a personal level. Might be something about the feeling of being lost and stuck in a system that you believe you have to follow might have me relating to Murky here.
Again, thanks for understanding, I'm sure I'll be back with in some time.