Twilight is best Applejack

by Shyfire_

Chapter 7 - Problem handling

Applejack was finally gonna be able to confront the only fucking pony who was still in her right mind at this point. She was NOT gonna let a shiny round handle get in the way of that.

She was prepared now.
Thinking back, it had been so obvious. It was in the name! "Hand-le"! She had been pretty stupid not to see that instantly.

...Then again, yeeting a few guards left and right HAD been really fun. So maybe it had been for the best that it took her this long to realize the solution to her problem.

When she arrived in Ponyville, she had ravaged the whole town until she had found the one pony she was looking for. Lyra Kidneystrings. Ehrm, Lyra "Heartstrings"*. She had heard the rumors about that pony's extensive knowledge of humans. And she knew that humans had HANDS. So, after destroying a few blocks of the town, and finding her, Applejack screeched politely to her at the top of her lungs: "HOW DO AH' USE A HANDLE AS A PONY?"

After smacking Lyra with a baseball bat a few times until her shock was gone, and then one more time to bring her back to consciousness, Lyra had told her she needed one of two things: A hand, or a human.

Applejack only waited for the first option before leaving the place at very high speed, shouting "AH' AM SPEED™️!".
Being a fan of Humans, Lyra was also a fan of their culture, so she got that reference, despite the country accent. She smiled to herself, ignoring the loud-as-fuck screams of now-homeless ponies all around her.

A few seconds later, the windows at Sugar Cube Corner - which had been rebuilt by Pinkie Pie in-between chapters - shattered in the air, their anti-gravity glass floating to the roof, as Applejack gently dislodged the door from its hinges and slowly put it aside to rest on the ground.

She had an idea. She had heard that one couldn't really get Hands without having a "human" with it. And she didn't feel like dealing with one, so she decided to ask Pinkie "Fourth-wall" Pie for help to get her hooves on a hand.

Pinkie, of course, being the mother fuck- OUCH! Okay, okay, jesus christ! *Hum* Pinkie, of course, being the lovely omniscient being that she is, knew that already.

So when Applejack started to open her mouth, Pinkie teleported in front of Applejack from the kitchen, before she could get a word in.

Applejack stared at Pinkie Pie in shock for a few seconds, watching her hide her unicorn horns in her mane.

"So you want to open a handle, but you can't get yourself a hand, huh?" Pinkie inquired massively.

"Yeah, exactly!" replied Applejack, so unfazed by the situation that even mentioning it felt useless.

"Well, I know a *handy* trick that can help you with tha-"

She was interrupted by a powerful buck in the face from Applejack, who acted out of reflexe after hearing such a terrible pun.

Feeling sorry, Applejack helped Pinkie back up.

"Oh shit, Ah'm so sorry Pinkie!", she declared hastily.

"Nah, don't worry about it. I could have avoided it, but I thought I deserved it. Anyway; there is only one thing you really need to know about humans to help you. They use their fingers to open handles! Not just their hands! And you know what else has fingers?", she asked while doing a few kickflips on an invisible skateboard.

"Uh... Oh! Ah' know! Socks!", Applejack yelled, full of confidence. Poor naïve Applejack.

"Well... no... or, maybe? I don't know, humans are complicated mother fuckers!", HEY, watch your fucking mouth Pinkie, if you don't want me to write you out again! "But seriously, no; what I meant was gloves!"

Applejack thought on that for a bit. It was true, gloves had fingers, but they were also unusable without a hand inside of them.

"Huh... You're right, I kiiiindof missed that part." joined in Pinkie. "Oh! I know one more trick that will definitely work! You remember when I cloned myself and almost died?"

"Heh, yeah, too bad that didn't hap- UUUUHM, Ah' mean; yes, Ah' remember, heh, why?", she bellowed.

"I'm gonna ignore that comment because this story doesn't have the 'Gore' tag!" Thank Celestia it doesn't... "Do you remember that trick that one of my clones did to give herself fingers on her hoof? Well, I know how to do that too, and I could teach you!" she cheered.

"....Oooooh, that's right! That would work! Yes, please teach me how to do that Pinkie!", Applejack agreed.

"Okie dokie lokie wokie nokie mokie pokie tokie!", Pinkie Okie'd.

Literally 2 minutes later...

"...Really? Ah' just blow on one hoof and it sprouts fingers on the other? And then Ah' just smash it against the ground to make them go away?", Applejack furiously demanded.

"Well yeah! What'd you expect, a Bugbear?", Pinkie replied sarcastically. The Bugbear was only scheduled for next week, everypony knew that. Right?

"A... Bugb- you know what, nevermind. Thanks for your help Pinkie!", she whispered in Pinkie's ear.

"It's nothing! Good luck with Tia! Let me know if she gives you troubles, okie?", reassured Pinkie.

"Will do Pinkie!", she replied.

And with that, she was off to Canterlot again, ready to have a chat with the Princess, once she finally opened that GODDAMN door.

Author's Note:

So I got some motivations again, and poof, another chapter is here! I didn't intend on making it all about AJ's trip to Ponyville, but what do you know, word count goes up pretty quickly ^^' But I promise that we're gonna make it past that fucking door in the next chapter!