Bored as hell of her daily boring life, Twilight decides to become Applejack.
Being Twilight Sparkle is cool. Being best pony is great. Being Princess is awesome, minus the peasant's problems you gotta deal with. But it all gets boring, y'know? Like, Twilight or no Twilight, when you've beat up a centaur's ass using all the Alicorn magic of Equestria, fucked up your friend's destiny by switching their cutie marks and then fixed everything by fixing a fake god's spell, and when you've tried every death-inducing experiment you could think of to test if, as an Alicorn, you were TRULY immortal or not, and found out that yes, indeed you were... Life gets dull in Equestria.
So, one random day, as she's sitting on her husbench (that's a bench that's also her husband, and not the other way around), she decides that she's tired of her routine and wants to change everything. By being Applejack.
Being Twilight Sparkle is cool, there's no denying that.
Having flight AND magic, being renown throughout all of Equestria for saving the world multiple times, having the rulers of Equestria make up a spell to re-grow the Golden Oak Library after it was destroyed so that you don't have to suffer the loss of Oaky (which is his name)... It's pretty Awesome™.
...for a while.
Because yeah, believe or not, being Twilight Sparkle gets boring. Really boring. Pinkie didn't even last a week when she tried.
When there's no god to save from their evil self, or no centaur to destroy, or no lord of chaos to turn to stone... life is pretty dull. Even books get boring. Yeah! Books! Because, let's be honest, even in Equestria, books are just fucking books. And when you know every book in your library from memory... well there's just nothing left to do.
That's why, on the 4th Saturday of the week (another perk of being a princess is that you can manage to trick the rulers into changing all of the days of the week for Saturdays), while sitting on her husbench (that one bench she loved so much that she decided to marry it, yet another cool thing about being a princess), she decided she'd had enough. While faking to read one of her countless books to avoid having to talk with that annoying pink thing bouncing down the street (why does she even do that, she can fucking teleport), she suddenly came up with an idea to break her boring routine and turn her life around completely. She would become Applejack.
After all, what better change of life than to go from a Princess to a farm pony? This was the perfect solution to her problems!
Upon arriving at her new home, Twilight was really excited. This was everything she needed! She would finally fulfill her dreams of being a boring farm pony!
She crossed the arch announcing the entrance into Sweet Apple Acres, when someone caught side of her and dared interrupt her when she was obviously in an amazing train of thoughts.
"Oh, hey Twi'! What's bringing you 'round here?"
When she turned her head and looked at who spoke, she realized one problem she forgot to account for. Namely, an orange pony supposedly living here. Without a second thought, she lighted her horn.
"...Hum... Twilight, are you alright?"
Annoyed, Twilight quickly responded "The name's Applejack. And shouldn't you be at your house, 'Twilight' ?"
Now, Applejack took on a look of pure confusion. "What the hay are you talkin' ab-" before she could finish, 'Applejack' 's horn glowed bright and in a flash of purple light, Applejack was gone.
She'll figure it out eventually. There can't really be 2 Applejacks and 0 Twilight after all, Twilight thought.
She then proceeded to make her way to the family's house and opened the door with her magic. Just because she now was a farm pony, doesn't mean she should ignore the Awesome™ abilities she had. It's not cheating, it's more like an extra help.
Stepping through the door, she was met by a surprised Granny Smith doing the dishes.
"Well, howdy there, Twilight!", she greeted, "What brings ya here today?", she said while turning to fully face Twilight with a smile.
Twilight coughed a little before replying "Hum, my name is Applejack, thank you very much" she said irritably.
Why is this so hard to get?
Granny paused, looking in stunned confusion at the pony named Twilight claiming to be named Applejack in front of her, trying to process the unexpected information, failing to make sens of any of it, and entering an existential crisis, wondering if her grand daughter had been a purple alicorn all along and she simply failed to notice it, or wondering if Applejack caught the dreaded Alicorn-flue and got transformed into an alicorn, which was only the first stage of the disease and worried Granny even more ; or if she really even was Granny smith, if her life was a lie, what was going on, who was she, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh, and why was the world spinning suddenly, and-
Before she could lose herself any longer into a Twilighting of magnitude 85,3 ( Twilight let me know the math through Pinkie's 4th wall abilities, so thanks to them!), Granny passed out on the floor. Luckily, she didn't hit her head or anything, because Twilight caught her in time with her magic and levitated her to sleep on the couch. A change of identity was no reason to be rude after all.
Once she was done, she figured that since she couldn't ask Granny to remind her of her chores for the day, she would have to figure them out herselves, somehow.
Luckily, it wasn't too hard, since on the wall next to the door was a map and a list of things to do with, as a big bold title: "APPLEBUCK SEASON"
Holy shit, my first day as Applejack and I get to participate in Applebuck season? This is going to be so fucking exciting!, she thought to herself calmly.
Twilight was trying to catch her breath when she heard a low rumbling in the distance. For the past 20 minutes, she had been overwhelmed by how fucking boring - and thus, exciting - the idea of Applebucking season sounded. She had been prancing, screaming obscenities and doing loop-de-loop all at the same time non stop, and she finally had gotten exhausted enough that she stopped to rest a little.
The sound seemingly coming from the entrance grew louder and louder, and she soon recognized it as galloping hoof steps. Who could possibly be in such a hurry to get to this... farm thing?
She quickly got her response when she heard a shout "Twilight, what is wrong with you?"
"You know, you're SUPPOSED to stay with Oaky." she replied casually.
"Who the fuck is that?" Applejack basically shouted.
Instead of saying anything, too annoyed to say anything, Twilight quickly lit her horn.
"Twilight?" Applejack prompted her, worriedly.
Before she had a chance to hear any sort of reply, however, another flash of bright purple light sparked before her eyes, and she was back at the Golden Oak Library.
"...I swear, if this god forsaken pony does this one more fucking time, I'm gonna buck her out of there so hard she won't ever reach the ground." Applejack grumbled in mild displeasure.
--- *** ---
After leaving the Golden Oak Library through the already opened door, Applejack set off to find somepony to help her to understand what kind of acid Twilight was currently under. She had claimed to be... well, herself, actually. And she seemed to say that Applejack should be at the Golden Oak Library... What was that supposed to mean?
Luckily, she knew exactly who she wanted to see, and where to find her.
It wasn't hard to find the cyan pegasus these past few days. She was always sitting in that same corner of the street on her little cloud. A few days ago, Cider season happened. Yeah, Cider season was very close to Applebucking season this year. Fuck you. Anyway ; after losing the race to Pinkie Pie and missing out on any drop of cider every single year, so much so that one could only guess how the fuck she even knew how it tasted ; this year, she had decided to take actions this year. The night before, she visited Pinkie Pie, and tazed her. She then attached the pink pony to the stairs of her house and knocked her unconscious with a mighty flap of her wing. Because of this, she finally succeeded in getting herself some cider, and she decided to take her revenge on Pinkie and all the other pony who dared get in the way of her and her precious cider by buying every single drop Applejack had for this season. AJ never complained, business was business.
Arriving at the specific corner of the street she wanted and looking up to find a cloud sitting pretty low, exactly where she expected it to be, she called: "Rainbow, ya got a minute?"
A loud "BUUURP" was heard, and Rainbow popped her head over her cloud to look at AJ, a cup of cider in her hoof. "Sure, what's up?"
"Ok, first off, don't you fucking dare do this in ma face again, and secondly ; Ah' think Twilight's losing it." she explained sheepishly.
"Yeah, as she always does" Rainbow replied chickenly.
"Ah' don't mean like that. *sigh* Basically, it seems like she think she's me and I'm her, or somethin'." AJ continued pigly.
"Wha-... really?", Rainbow said cowly.
"Yeah! That bitch just showed up to ma place, told me that her name was "Applejack", and then teleported me to the Golden Oak! And then when I rushed back there to get an explanation, she did it again!", Applejack finished poorly.
"...THAT FUCKING BITCH DID WHAT?", Rainbow shouted in mild annoyance.
"Right? Fucking bullshit!", Applejack agreed.
"OH MY FUCKING-" Rainbow exclaimed, before swooping down under AJ to get her on her back and flying at bullet speed towards Sweet Apple Acres, creating about 50 Sonic Rainboom in the process.
She was going to get to the bottom of this, whether Twilight wanted it or not.
"I don't get it," Twilight bellowed somberly, "why is this so hard to get? I'm not Twilight anymore, so why does everypony keep acting as if I was?" she continued happily. "Am I missing something? Surely, there must be some way to make people understand..."
Twilight spent the next 20 minutes trying to come up with a way to make it extra obvious that she was indeed Applejack.
"Hmm... I'm at the barn, I'm surrounded by apples... what more could I do..." Twilight mumbled.
Suddenly, she had a moment of relaxation. Or "realization". One or the other.
"Of course!" she shouted to noone. "I need to... uhm, Ah' need to start talkin' like her! Ah' completely forgot to do her weird accent! That must be why' everypony keeps thinkin' Ah'm still Twilight!" she continued.
Satisfied, Twilight caught something in the corner of her eye. She took a look at the sky, before yelling "Huh, Ah' dont recall a rainbow was scheduled for today..." She was about to shrug it off... before she saw yet another rainbow. And another one. Another one. "...47, 48, 49.... 50? 50 unscheduled rainbows? But how is this possible? There's no way all of them rainbows are natural! And there's only one other way Ah' know of that can.... Oh.... Ooooh shit...." she mumbled, and it was at this moment, that Twilight knew, she fu-
...nnnnNNNYYYYOOOM! "....yyou motHER FUCKING BI-" *sound effect expressing a crash landing from RD into Twilight very violently*.
Before Twilight could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by a plane engine sound instantly followed by a peeved Rainbow Dash crashing into her, sending her tumbling and flying straight against a tree.
Rainbow Dash quickly got up unharmed, because she's 20% tougher than Twilight, because I said so, because fuck you ; took a deep breath, and calmly asked Twilight: "OK, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO APPLEJACK AND WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO THINK YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING TO HER?!!"
Before Twilight could properly get up and reply to Rainbow Dash, however, she heard an apple fall from the tree straight into an awaiting basket, followed by another one, and a few more, and then all the apples of the tree fell into some baskets.
Twilight then got up and replied "Woah, jeez' Rainbow! What's gotten into y'all? Ah'm just buckin' ma apple trees like Ah' always do!", she applejack-ed, pointing towards the basket positioned around the tree she had just "bucked".
Rainbow started to grin and laughing to herself at Twilight's poor attempt to replicate AJ's accent, before Applejack fucking smashed her in the face to help her focus.
Rainbow did a few 360° from the sheer force of the impact, before recomposing herself. "Uuuhm, I mean: WHAT?"
Twilight looked at her with a quizzical look. "...Is somethin' wrong, or did you just crash into me 'cause you felt like it? 'Cause if so, y'all excuse me, but Ah' got work to do. It's applebuckin' season, y'know."
Rainbow was about to reply, but was interrupted.
Twilight finally noticed that Applejack was there aswell, and face-hoofed. "Uuurgh, how many times will Ah' have to tell you to stay with Oaky?" she grumbled, annoyed, and started to light her horn again.
Rainbow and Applejack's eyes grew wide.
Rainbow screamed "WAIT-"
Applejack took to her hooves and started galloping towards Twilight. She started yelling: "OH MY FUCKIN' GOD, AH'M DONE WITH YOUR BULLSHI-", and, right as she was about finished, jumped in the air, aiming her front hooves forward to tackle Twilight.
Twilight, although surprised by AJ's sudden reaction, quickly recomposed and focused on her spell. Right as AJ was about to tackle Twilight, probably to death, she saw another purple light flash before her eyes, and in a blink of an eye she was back at the Golden Oak Library, her momentum sending her crashing straight into Spike.
The strength of her tackle left a Spike shaped imprint in the wall, filled by Spike himself.
Stunned, Rainbow quickly grew enraged as she shouted "I'M NOT FUCKING DONE WITH YOU, OKAY? BRB." And in a blur, she rocketed back to the Golden Oak Library to pick up Applejack again. Twilight simply sighed in annoyance before continuing to buck the apple trees, but willingly this time, by throwing herself at the trees.
One quick trip to the Golden Oak Library and back later...
Rainbow snuck around the farm as she hid Applejack onto the roof of the Barn, so Twilight would not teleport her on sight again.
Once done, she set on locating Twilight. She was about to take off in a direction, when she heard a large *OH GOD THIS FUCKIN' HURTS, HOW DOES SHE DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY, HOLY SHIT* behind her.
Turning around, she saw Twilight getting on her hooves under a tree, bruised on everypart of her body.
Zooming to her, she started to shout: "OK, I'M BACK, YOU PURPLE FREA-", but Twilight's appearance gave her pause. "Uh, what happened to you?"
"What do ya mean? Ah'm just buckin' the trees like Ah' was earlier. Isn't that obvious?"
Before Rainbow could answer, she saw Twilight throw herself into a nearby tree, before falling down at its roots and slowly getting back up.
"So to buck apples, you just throw yourself into every tree one after the other?" "Eyyup" explained Twilight. "And that's it?" "Eyyup" continued Twilight. "...Huh, okay then, that actually makes sense. So I guess that really is what you were doing earlier... But ENOUGH ABOUT APPLES! I want to know what the fuck is up with you and AJ and I wanna know NOW!" she gently asked.
"Urgh, what's so fuckin' hard to get, for Faust's sake, Ah' was-"
"Wait, you know about that bitch too?" interrupted Pinkie Pie, peeping out from under Twilight's mane.
"...Uh, know about who?" questioned Twilight and Rainbow.
"Oh... nevermind.", Pinkie replied, slumping down in fury. "But I swear miss Faust, if I ever get my hooves on you, I'll make you sorry for making me an EARTH PONY YOU COLD HEARTED B-"
And just like that, she was removed from the show for the 5th time this month.
Shrugging the interruption, Twilight continued: "...so, as Ah' was about to yell calmly; Ah' was just bored of my excitin' life and Ah' wanted some excitement, so Ah' became Applejack because she has the most boring life Ah' know of, and made her take my place. Simple as that" she yelled calmly, as she claimed she would. She had kept her promise, surely that was very Applejacky, right?
Rainbow dash paused, processing the information, idly making some loop-de-loop and other occasional Sonic Rainbooms while thinking. Once she understood the situation, she took a deep breath and replied with the only possible logical reaction she knew: "Oh, I see; sorry for getting angry earlier, I didn't know, but that totally makes sense."
"That's okay, Ah' forgive you" Twilight whispered.
Suddenly, both of them were rudely interrupted agaik, this time by a huge scream of despair.
"...wwwwWWHAAAAAAT?!!!!"
Twilight and RD both slowly turned to the direction of the sudden sound, seemingly coming from the Barn, but seeing noone in it.
"*sigh* was that Twiligh', again?" Twilight herself said in an exasparated tone, her head rotation almost finished.
"Oh.. yeah, I kinda hid her on that roof so you wouldn't teleport her again, since I didn't know the situation. Sorry, I'll go get her", apologized Rainbow.
"Oh, Ah' see; please do, yeah" she nodded violently.
A rainbow trail later, Rainbow Dash was gone and back, this time having brought Applejack with her.
"Twilight," Rainbow firmly adressed Applejack, "AJ here told you to take her place, so do it, okay?"
"WHAT THE FUCKIN' KIND OF GAY FLYIN' FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, RAINBOW? AH' HEARD WHAT THAT DUMB BITCH SAID, HOW ARE YOU AGREEING WITH HER??" Applejack refused.
"Well you see, I heard what she said too" chirped Rainbow, "and I'm surprised and annoyed you're still here after that. She explained me everything, and I'm sorry AJ, but she's right, you have to stay at the Golden Oak Library, now", she gently shouted to the earth pony next to her.
"Wha-?! Ah' fuckin' swear to Fau- uuuh, Ah' mean Celestia, Rainbow; you better be fuckin' joking here, or you ain't gonna be flying outta this straight!" She rudely threatened.
"*sigh*, Whatever" Rainbow said, truly annoyed. "Can you just get her there again, AJ? She's gotta tire out from making the trip at some point."
"Yeah, you're righ' ", agreed Twilight. She started lighting her horn again.
"A-" Applejack started, but before she could finish her sentence, she got teleported again in the Golden Oak Library.
"...Ah'm just gonna pass out from the uncomprehesion and puzzlement, and then, we'll see how they like to spit their nonsense at the fuckin' princess. This ain't over yet." screamed AJ at the top of her lungs before instantly collapsing on the ground, ready to end this whole nonsense when she'd wake up, one way or another.
The next day, Applejack considered she'd had enough. She enjoyed the time away from that damned filly who claimed to be her sister, but she just couldn't take Twilight and Rainbow's fucking degeneracy no more. So she decided to go get Celestia herself, and explain the whole shit to her. At least SHE would have to realize how fucked up everypony's acting recently.
~***~
In Canterlot, at the doors for the throne room
~***~
After an almighty buck, the doors to the throne room slammed open, ...then bounced against the inner concrete walls and slammed shut again from the sheer force of the impact.
Applejack blinked, realizing that there was such thing as bucking too hard. Weird, that's not what her older brother always taught her...
She got into bucking position again, and bucked open the doors, but more gently this time. After realising the doors didn't even move, she shaked her tail out of frustration, before YEETING ONE OF THE RETARDED GUARDS BY THE DOOR RIGHT OUTTA THAT DAMN WINDOW, WHY CANT DOORS BE THAT EASY TO OPEN FOR CELESTIA'S SA-
Applejack coughed lightly, took a deep breath, counted to 10, took 3 deep breaths, sold 2 of them for profit, counted to 173 and back, did a few calming twirl, attacked the Rich family in court, won, and once she was calm enough, tried using the doorknob. It was way less epic, but, oh well.
When she couldn't quite grasp the round handle with her hooves, it got on her nerves again, but this time she only yelled enough insults to kill 3 Fluttershys from shock before reining herself in.
She started wondering why the fuck was it so hard to try to talk to the god of the land. Who did that bitch think she was?!
Applejack tried the next and last logical step she could think of, she bucked the handle.
The handle was set flying, bouncing around, before flying out of the window, taking down a tree, cutting a pony's tail (which is unfortunate because Short tails' season is already over), and taking down Sugarcube Corner, before bouncin back in the castle and lodging itself back onto the door as if it never left it.
Applejack started screaming excitedly, throwing her hooves in the air, yelling words like "TRICKSHOOOOT" and "PONY PERFECT AINT GOT NOTHIN' ON ME" and started contemplating a career in the trickshot domain.
After thinking on it for a bit and realizing that the best trickshot with an apple was always to eat it, she figured that Trickshotter wasn't gonna be an option for her.
After FINALLY realizing she still couldn't enter the throne room, she was about to give up before one final idea came to her.
She grabbed the remaining guard and started slamming him against the doors, while yelling to it: "Let me in! LET ME IIIIIIIIIIIII-" After a few minutes, she couldnt hold on to that last note and stopped yelling, throwing the guard out by the still opened window.
She started tremendously chanting in fury "That fuckin' door is the only thing keeping me from justice...and all because of these fuckin' hooves... If only Ah' had somethin' else, like... Ah' don't know... like fuckin' hands..."
She started balling her eyes, before she suddently had an idea. "Hands.. of COURSE! Ah' know who can help!" she bravely noted, before taking off to her hooves back towards the exit of the castle, but not before throwing one last look at the door and screeching out: "GTG REAL QUICK! BRB!"
And with that, Applejack galloped back to Ponyville, dead set on getting that fucking door to open if it'll be the last thing she does.
Applejack was finally gonna be able to confront the only fucking pony who was still in her right mind at this point. She was NOT gonna let a shiny round handle get in the way of that.
She was prepared now. Thinking back, it had been so obvious. It was in the name! "Hand-le"! She had been pretty stupid not to see that instantly.
...Then again, yeeting a few guards left and right HAD been really fun. So maybe it had been for the best that it took her this long to realize the solution to her problem.
When she arrived in Ponyville, she had ravaged the whole town until she had found the one pony she was looking for. Lyra Kidneystrings. Ehrm, Lyra "Heartstrings"*. She had heard the rumors about that pony's extensive knowledge of humans. And she knew that humans had HANDS. So, after destroying a few blocks of the town, and finding her, Applejack screeched politely to her at the top of her lungs: "HOW DO AH' USE A HANDLE AS A PONY?"
After smacking Lyra with a baseball bat a few times until her shock was gone, and then one more time to bring her back to consciousness, Lyra had told her she needed one of two things: A hand, or a human.
Applejack only waited for the first option before leaving the place at very high speed, shouting "AH' AM SPEED™️!". Being a fan of Humans, Lyra was also a fan of their culture, so she got that reference, despite the country accent. She smiled to herself, ignoring the loud-as-fuck screams of now-homeless ponies all around her.
A few seconds later, the windows at Sugar Cube Corner - which had been rebuilt by Pinkie Pie in-between chapters - shattered in the air, their anti-gravity glass floating to the roof, as Applejack gently dislodged the door from its hinges and slowly put it aside to rest on the ground.
She had an idea. She had heard that one couldn't really get Hands without having a "human" with it. And she didn't feel like dealing with one, so she decided to ask Pinkie "Fourth-wall" Pie for help to get her hooves on a hand.
Pinkie, of course, being the mother fuck- OUCH! Okay, okay, jesus christ! *Hum* Pinkie, of course, being the lovely omniscient being that she is, knew that already.
So when Applejack started to open her mouth, Pinkie teleported in front of Applejack from the kitchen, before she could get a word in.
Applejack stared at Pinkie Pie in shock for a few seconds, watching her hide her unicorn horns in her mane.
"So you want to open a handle, but you can't get yourself a hand, huh?" Pinkie inquired massively.
"Yeah, exactly!" replied Applejack, so unfazed by the situation that even mentioning it felt useless.
"Well, I know a *handy* trick that can help you with tha-"
She was interrupted by a powerful buck in the face from Applejack, who acted out of reflexe after hearing such a terrible pun.
Feeling sorry, Applejack helped Pinkie back up.
"Oh shit, Ah'm so sorry Pinkie!", she declared hastily.
"Nah, don't worry about it. I could have avoided it, but I thought I deserved it. Anyway; there is only one thing you really need to know about humans to help you. They use their fingers to open handles! Not just their hands! And you know what else has fingers?", she asked while doing a few kickflips on an invisible skateboard.
"Uh... Oh! Ah' know! Socks!", Applejack yelled, full of confidence. Poor naïve Applejack.
"Well... no... or, maybe? I don't know, humans are complicated mother fuckers!", HEY, watch your fucking mouth Pinkie, if you don't want me to write you out again! "But seriously, no; what I meant was gloves!"
Applejack thought on that for a bit. It was true, gloves had fingers, but they were also unusable without a hand inside of them.
"Huh... You're right, I kiiiindof missed that part." joined in Pinkie. "Oh! I know one more trick that will definitely work! You remember when I cloned myself and almost died?"
"Heh, yeah, too bad that didn't hap- UUUUHM, Ah' mean; yes, Ah' remember, heh, why?", she bellowed.
"I'm gonna ignore that comment because this story doesn't have the 'Gore' tag!" Thank Celestia it doesn't... "Do you remember that trick that one of my clones did to give herself fingers on her hoof? Well, I know how to do that too, and I could teach you!" she cheered.
"....Oooooh, that's right! That would work! Yes, please teach me how to do that Pinkie!", Applejack agreed.
"...Really? Ah' just blow on one hoof and it sprouts fingers on the other? And then Ah' just smash it against the ground to make them go away?", Applejack furiously demanded.
"Well yeah! What'd you expect, a Bugbear?", Pinkie replied sarcastically. The Bugbear was only scheduled for next week, everypony knew that. Right?
"A... Bugb- you know what, nevermind. Thanks for your help Pinkie!", she whispered in Pinkie's ear.
"It's nothing! Good luck with Tia! Let me know if she gives you troubles, okie?", reassured Pinkie.
"Will do Pinkie!", she replied.
And with that, she was off to Canterlot again, ready to have a chat with the Princess, once she finally opened that GODDAMN door.
