The Distant Princess

by GMBlackjack

III - Dregon Loot

Adventuring is a career taken up by the extremely powerful, or the idiotic.

These two traits are not mutually exclusive, unfortunately.

Stick around the more menacing areas of Ooo long enough and you will encounter many of all types of adventurers. This includes the absolutely infuriating variety that has no brains but an exceptionally long streak of luck that boggles all laws of probability.

~~~

In the proud tradition of adventuring, there are few encounters so romanticized as the duel with a dragon for its treasure. The tale is often told forgetting that dragons are sapient creatures in their own right that usually take issue with their homes being invaded, but in the heat of the storytelling moment, few people will stop to consider the ethics of the epic hero’s tale. The story is just too enthralling: an underdog hero up against a monstrous reptile, the odds stacked so against him that victory seems impossible, but everyone knows he’ll pull through eventually.

More often than is probably healthy, legends such as that inspire the actual adventurers of the land, putting the foolish idea of dragon-fighting deep into impressionable minds. More broadly, it was often assumed that “fight big monster” led to “get big loot.”

For the adventurers Jake the Dog and Finn the Human, this gospel was accepted as truth.

If only they had an actual dragon to fight.

“Take this, dragon!” Finn shouted, lifting his sword. The sun glinted off the blue crystal in the hilt, accentuating the pearly-white blade. It was clearly a sword designed for Finn, matching his color scheme almost exactly with the blue of his shirt and the white of his small bear hat. An orange tail slapped Finn in the stomach mid-jump, tossing him to the grassy ground with an undignified “oof”.

“You know, I don’t think this is really a dragon, come to think of it,” Jake said.

Finn glanced at his yellow canine companion with a look of disbelief. “What? Why not?”

The bipedal dog scratched his drooping jowls with his hand. “I mean… aren’t dragons supposed to be big flying lizards? Just look at this thing!”

The beast growling at them was an elongated lump of floating orange flesh with two sets of wings placed at seemingly random places on its body, a single set of stubby arms that couldn’t be very useful, numerous fleshy nubs dotting its skin, and two translucent sacks on its neck that were filled with some kind of gaseous substance. It’s face was flat and exceedingly ticked off.

“I mean, maybe?” Finn frowned. “But what is it if it’s not a dragon?”

“I don’t know, I’m not the zoologist here. Ask Bubblegum.”

“Fine, I’ll ask her l—”

The fleshy beast’s maw opened, unleashing a torrent of flame at the two of them. Finn leapt to the side with amazing reflexes while Jake simply shrunk himself down to the size of an ant, allowing the flames to pass over him.

“Ha! See? Fire breath!” Finn hefted his sword high. “Totally a dragon!”

Tiny-Jake said something Finn couldn’t hear.

“What was that?”

Jake regrew to his normal size. “I think that’s just why we call it a dragon.”

“Oh.” Finn dodged a swish of the not-dragon’s tail, expertly rolling into a fighting stance. “What should we call it then?”

“Bumdalonk?” Jake suggested with a shrug.

“Hmm…” Finn took a moment to consider this. “You know, that has a nice ring to i—”

The beast’s fleshy tail wrapped around Finn, lifting him into the air.

“Nah, bumdalonk’s too random,” Jake said, starting to pace in a circle. “What about… ooh, a nagon! Since it’s not a dragon! Eh? Eh?”

“Jake…” Finn gagged as the air was squeezed out of his lungs.

“You’re right, that’s too obvious. Hmm… Maybe nuggle, since it reminds me of that freaky chicken nugget I had last week?”

“Jake…” Finn wheezed, the edges of his vision starting to go blurry. “Help…”

“Aha! I’ve got it!” Jake whirled around, pointing at the beast. “You’re a dillstop!”

The creature stared at Jake in disbelief. There was a moment where the only noise was Finn’s pained gasps.

“...Huh. Seems like you got Finn.” Jake blinked, processing. “You got Finn! Don’t worry buddy, I’ve got you!” He grew his left hand to double the size of his regular body and punched the creature in the face. He hit with enough force to shake Finn free and toss the beast several meters away.

“Took you… long enough…” Finn grumbled.

“But I always save you eventually!” Jake gave Finn a thumbs up.

Finn sat up, rubbing his head. In the distance, he saw the creature fleeing as fast as its stubby wings could carry it, which was impressive considering how ridiculous it looked while flying. “Wh… the nuggle’s getting away!”

“Dillstop,” Jake corrected.

“We’ve got to beat it up and take its loot!” Finn shouted, suddenly full of energy again. “C’mon Jake!”

“Nah, man, that thing’s long gone. Probably didn’t have any loot anyway, wasn’t even a proper dragon.”

“Aw man…” Finn sighed, allowing the tip of his sword to scrape the ground. “This whole day is bunk.”

“There are Finn cakes back at the treehouse,” Jake said.

“Nevermind, this day isn’t bunk, it’s amazing! To the Finn cakes!”

Jake altered his form so Finn could ride him easily. Shifting down to four legs longer than most trees were tall, he carried Finn back home.

It didn’t occur to them until much later that they could have just ridden to the not-dragon like this and easily caught up. By that time, however, Finn’s mouth was already full of pastries made in the shape of his face and the beast was well into its panicked flight.

~~~

“I spy with my little eye…” Pinkie said, glancing out the window of the airship at the world below. “Something green!”

“Is it a tree?” Rainbow asked.

“Yes it is!” Pinkie giggled. “But which tree?”

“Pinkie, we’re over the Everfree Forest, there are hundreds of trees.”

“I believe she’s referring to the tree made of slime,” Twilight commented, gesturing at the sickly green tree with a tip of her wing.

“Twilight wins!” Pinkie shouted, throwing her hoof wide and sending confetti over the floor of the airship’s cockpit. She had done this numerous times over the course of the journey, creating a floor essentially made of confetti at this point. “Does anypony else want to go?”

“Nope,” Rainbow said, stretching her face with her hooves.

“Great! Then I’ll go again!” Pinkie looked out again. “I spy with my little eye… something orange!”

“Orange?” Twilight blinked, following Pinkie’s gaze out the window. “That’s unusual…” She found the object of Pinkie’s game almost immediately, seeing as it contrasted heavily with the Everfree’s trees. It was an elongated fleshy lump with numerous stumpy limbs that Twilight recognized instantly. “Oh, hey, a dregon!”

“...Dregon?” Rainbow asked, the name interesting enough to get her to look out. “That thing?”

“Yes! In olden times they were mistaken for actual dragons since they breathed fire and flew, but they’re clearly not—aren’t even reptiles. But people were already calling them dragons, so the term dregon was derived from that.”

“That has to be confusing.”

“It is, but there are worse names in the world. For instance, the stars a—”

“Hey, it’s coming to say hi!” Pinkie said, grin widening. “Hi dregon!”

“Coming to say… oh no.” Twilight levitated a pair of binoculars out of a drawer, focusing on the dregon. It was coming right at them, that much was true. Its eyes were also shut and its mouth was wide open, indicative of a beast in the midst of panic.

“It doesn’t see us…” Twilight breathed.

“Then let’s move!” Rainbow shouted.

“This is an airship! It isn’t exactly known for quick maneuverabili—”

The dregon smashed into the airships’s balloon at high speeds. Even with the beast’s impressive girth, it was not enough to puncture the protective spells. The balloon remained solid.

That said, the navigation spells did nothing to stop the airship from being flipped upside-down. The spell was prepared for tornado-scale winds, lightning, monsoons, and even magical assaults. It was, however, not prepared to navigate while the ship was upside down. It started to droop toward the ground.

Inside the gondola, Twilight, Rainbow, and Pinkie were on the ceiling. “Ow…” Rainbow groaned.

Twilight was nowhere near as relaxed as Rainbow. Heart racing, she flew into the air and grabbed hold of the controls with her telekinesis, pulling on them. The navigation spell ignored her, since it thought it knew what it was doing.

“Dumb thing!” Twilight snapped, focusing on the override switch. She popped open the glass casing and pulled the lever, overriding the navigation spell entirely.

“Finally!” With a smirk, she focused her telekinesis on the control levers. “Pull up!”

This would have worked like a charm had the airship not been upside down at the moment. From its current orientation “pulling up” meant “diving into the ground.”

When she felt herself get significantly lighter and saw the trees looming closer to the main window, Twilight realized her mistake. “Oh for the… brace for impact!”

Trees snapped and the world shook around Twilight, knocking her to the ground. There was a sickening metallic crunch and everything went black.

Comments

[PsychicKid]

Been anticipating this for a while. The theme song for it is absolutely wonderful, and I am eager to see where this new story goes.

[SommeOne]

10258131
Having a problem with it not saying that Twilight it purple sounds like a meme... But that's actually a good point

[fanreader999999]

Mm

[ElementalTem]

Off on another adventure! Gonna be honest, might take bit to get used to everything not being narrated by Twilence

[Blaster M]

The probability of a vehicle crashing is directly proportional to how many words are put into its description.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh, this should be very interesting. Though I will have to keep the list of crossovers in mind. I keep expecting the purple comet to presage a race to collect purple coins in order to claim a key power source for an interstellar observatory.

In any case, looking forward to more.

[gakposter]

Good to finally see this go up!

[PsychicKid]

Dang you already killed the coolest character, the airship.

[keybounce]

Last chapter, it seemed like Twilight was able to steer the ship on her own, before she turned on the auto-pilot. Is it really not "turn off-able" without the emergency override?

Hmm. Land is named "OOO"? Purple disasters? Will we see Dinosaurs come out of fossils? (Nope, that's a different crossover universe.)

[guldringr]

10264578
The Land of Ooo is the setting of Adventure Time, with many different kingdoms explored, The Candy Kingdom is in fact a slightly more tame Candyland with a cartoony sci-fi explanation as to why