• Published 29th May 2020
  • 3,499 Views, 239 Comments

The Distant Princess - GMSeskii



A purple comet appears in the sky and vanishes mysteriously. Twilight Sparkle can't handle all her unanswered questions, so she travels to the Candy Kingdom to get answers. But all is not well, for the comet heralds great change...

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VIII - Maw of Candy Corn

The sheer variety of creatures in the land of Ooo is staggering. While in the current era nobody sees the variety because they’re soaking in it every hour of every day, those of us in the know of the way things used to be are continually astonished by what random thing has crawled out of the muck of destruction, gained sentience, and created a small kingdom seemingly overnight.

There are unicorns, berry people, sentient grasses, clouds that yell at the squishy meatbags below, and any number of creatures that, under strict biological rules, have no business being able to breathe, much less talk. In the old days, I could count the number of races on Earth with one hand. Now there are so many hundreds of endless variations that it’s impossible to keep track of what's the same species and what isn’t. Many are unique entities and some don’t even reproduce in any sensical manner!

Why all this chaos? Simple, really. One of the fundamental properties of magic itself is consciousness. Get enough of it in one place and it will endow anything it can with the ability to think for itself. If it sets its random sights on a rock, it’ll give the rock eyes, a mouth, and probably some legs just to complete the package.

You’ve never known true betrayal until your chair spontaneously achieves self-awareness and bites you.

~~~

Finn, with his arms wrapped around his backpack and his sword slung over his shoulder, marched onwards through the forests of the Candy Kingdom. This particular area was south of the capital, where the cotton-candy trees mixed with more traditional flora, and the chocolate dirt was interspersed with regular worm-filled soil. To the inexperienced, it may have looked and smelled as if everything was a delectable treat waiting to be devoured, but Finn knew better.

Jake knew better as well, but was known to throw things in his mouth anyway. Finn liked to think this was out of dog instinct and not out of poor impulse control.

Rainbow Dash did not know better.

“Wow, does everything here smell this good?” Rainbow asked, flying up to a cotton candy tree and munching on some of the sugary strands.

“Pretty much,” Jake said, stifling a laugh. “Even the ground is candy!”

“I can see why Pinkie wanted to come here.” Rainbow flitted to another tree, avoiding the ground entirely.

Jake twitched involuntarily. “You know, we have a saying here.”

“Oh yeah? What?”

“You’ve never really experienced the Candy Kingdom until you’ve eaten the d—”

Rainbow interrupted him with a gasp. “What’s that?” Not waiting for an answer, she bolted ahead. The wind whipped into Finn and Jake, slowing their progress.

“Cheese louise, that girl’s got a pair of wings,” Jake breathed.

Finn smirked. “And it doesn’t look like she’s going to fall for your tricks.”

“I’ll get her to eat the dirt, just watch me!”

Finn rolled his eyes. He entered a jog to catch up to Rainbow, who he found jumping on top of a large metallic cylinder coated in candy-floss-moss.

“What’s this?” Rainbow asked.

“Dungeon, probably,” Finn said, tracing the cylinder with a finger.

“Dungeon?”

“One of the best places for spontaneous adventure. All you’ve got to do is find the entrance…” Carefully he, examined every section of the cylinder. His finger would miss nothing—no crack, no depression, no unusually shaped patch of candy-floss-moss. However, he was a master of finding the secret dungeon entrance, and nothing would stop him.

Having completed his inspection, there was clearly only one solution.

He drew his sword. “FINN SWORD ATTACK!” He smacked the cylinder as hard as he could, hoping to force an entrance out of it. Instead, all he got was a loud noise and a rebound that shook him right to his spine. Stumbling backward, he barely managed not to fall over.

Rainbow snorted. “Heh. I guess you don’t make that good of a weapon.”

“Don’t diss the Finn sword, it’s awesome,” Finn huffed.

“...Wait, did you really name your sword after yourself? Why?

“Because it is me. Formed from a paradox at the edge of time…” He held the last word as long as he could while waving his hands around for maximum effect.

Rainbow thought he was full of it. She jumped down from the cylinder and directed her hind hooves at the spot Finn had smacked. “Watch and learn, Finn.” Her entire body surged like a well-oiled machine, transferring the energy she pushed into the ground with her front hooves to the back, wings providing stability and a further increase of power. The strength of the buck could knock many trees over.

The cylinder was undamaged. Rainbow’s hooves, on the other hand, were not. After letting out an agonized hiss of pain she flapped into the air so she could examine her hind legs.

“You okay?” Finn asked.

“Cracked a hoof,” Rainbow muttered, examining the small crack running from the edge of her back hoof toward the center. “Good thing I don’t need to stand on that…”

“You know what has healing properties?” Jake asked, arriving on the scene at long last. “The d—”

Finn pushed a hand over Jake’s face. Now is not the time for that. “We could go back, I’m sure Peebles has something for that.”

“...I’m fine. Do you see these bad boys?” She flicked her muzzle at her wings. “They can do all the lifting. Assuming there’s anything to lift. This metal bozo isn’t budging.”

“Allow me…” Jake lifted one of his hands into the air, growing it to three times the size of his body. Swinging wide, he slapped the cylinder with so much force that it not only dented but separated from the ground and tipped over, revealing a hole leading into the earth.

“I loosened it for you,” Finn and Rainbow said at the same time.

“Ah, look at that!” Jake said, taking a scoop from the uncovered earth and shoving it in his mouth. “Fresh snack!”

Rainbow ignored him, diving right into the hole.

Jake spat out the disgusting dirt. “Man…”

“Dude, at this rate you’re going to eat more dirt than she will.”

“Eh, I’m used to the taste.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Going down?”

Jake jumped over the hole, shifting his body into a chair shape, latching onto the edges with his hands and feet. Finn jumped on and mimed the action of pressing an elevator button. “Going down! Next stop: whatever floor’s below this one!”

Stretching his legs out like bungee cords, Jake descended into the hole. Finn took out a torch and lit it as they descended, ready to plunder any loot the dungeon might have.

“Hey, hate to break it to you Finn, but there’s light down there.”

“Oh.” With a sigh, Finn put out the torch. “I never get to have fun with torches…”

When they reached the bottom, they found Rainbow flying around a large open space, jaw hanging open. Finn could understand why; the chamber was absolutely stunning. While the ceiling and floor were made of simple dirt, the walls were composed of some mysterious white material that was eerily smooth. The few cracks and holes that did puncture the walls were harsh and dark, almost unnaturally so.

However, it wasn’t the strange material that caught their attention. It was what was carved on it. Dozens of beings, mostly bipedal but clearly not human, filled the surfaces with complex poses reminiscent of a dance. Most of them had a geometric shape somewhere on their bodies that glowed with a singular color of light, together illuminating the entire cavern. A halo surrounded one of the smallest figures in the masterpiece: a pudgy, round creature with a pink diamond in its abdomen.

Rainbow ran her hoof across the glowing shapes. “Whoa... this looks like one of the Ancient Magi structures! Daring Do talked about these!”

Jake scratched his jowls. “Wait… aren’t Daring Do books novels?

“Well, uh… yeah, but they’re based on real archeology!” Rainbow crossed her front hooves. “And how do you know about Daring Do books? They’re an Equestrian publication.”

Jake shrugged. “We get all sorts of weird stuff. You should see our treasure horde!”

“Jake!” Finn hissed. “You can’t just let random girls see our treasure horde!”

“Why not? Ice King saw it.”

“We didn’t want that to happ—”

Slowly, they looked up, seeing Rainbow Dash hovering right over them.

“You know you guys have to show me now, right?” Rainbow asked.

Finn opened his mouth to object—not that he had an objection in mind, he just hoped his mouth would come up with something as he started talking—when a loud roar met their ears. From one of the holes in the wall, three creatures emerged. At first glance, they appeared to be normal, if large, pieces of candy corn, but anyone who took more than a cursory glance at the creatures could make out toothy maws that ran most of the length of their body, three pairs of legs, and five eyes that blinked in an unsettling manner.

Finn readied his sword, Jake readied his fists, and Rainbow readied her front hooves. They knew what to do.

Jake tripped one of the corn creatures with his legs. It tried to bite down on him, but he shifted his leg out of the way with ease. He wrapped an arm around the beast’s jaw like a rope, fusing its mouth shut.

Finn brought his sword down on one of the creatures, finding it to have the exact same consistency as candy corn. It’d be good for eating, but not hacking and slashing, seeing as his sword got stuck in the sugary “flesh.” Hissing, the creature jumped Finn, but he kicked it in the stomach, tossing it to the side.

Rainbow had to guard her back legs, but she was more than fast enough to deal with her creature. She waited for it to jump at her before swirling in a loop and catching it in her hooves. She tossed it into the ground like a bowling ball, rolling it back toward the hole it had come from. “Hah! No worse than a dog! How’re you guys doing?”

Jake had completely trapped his target in a tangle of stretchy limbs and was smacking it around haphazardly. Finn punted his corn creature into one of the walls, knocking the Finn sword free and flattening the creature somewhat.

Rainbow heard it let out a whimper.

“Uh… guys?”

Jake smacked his into the ceiling. Finn tore his off the wall and headbutted its stomach.

“Guys!” Rainbow shouted. “That’s enough! They’re done fighting!”

Finn glanced at her. “Huh…?”

The corn beast he’d been beating up rose to its legs and scrambled through the hole it had come as fast as it could, whimpering the whole way.

“Oh. Neat!” Finn smiled brightly. “I was getting a little tired there!”

Jake threw his corn beast through the hole like a baseball. The two crashed into each other and rolled into the darkness, whimpering the whole time.

“Strike!” Jake declared. “Woo!” He and Finn high-fived.

Rainbow gawked at them in disbelief. “You… what the hay, guys?”

Jake picked up on her distress first. “You okay there, Rainbow?”

“I’m fine, it’s you two who aren’t okay! Went a little far, don’t you think?”

“Huh?” Finn scratched the back of his head. “Pretty sure we were doing what we normally do…”

“Oh for the love of Celestia… you don’t just keep beating up things! That’s just cruel! If they’re done, they’re done, let them go! Don’t… kick them while they’re down!”

Finn and Jake stared at her like she was speaking a foreign language.

“You can’t be serious,” Rainbow groaned.

“...Am I not supposed to punch evil witches for fun, or something?” Finn asked Jake.

Jake shrugged. “I dunno. I think she’s just having a little complex.”

“I am not having a complex!” Rainbow shouted.

“That’s something someone having a complex would say.”

“Would you stop with th—”

There was a much louder, much deeper roar from behind Rainbow. She whipped around and gulped. Emerging from the hole was a truly massive candy corn creature with untold numbers of limbs, multiple mouths of jagged teeth, and so many eyes Rainbow knew she was being watched from every direction, even places where the creature wasn’t.

“Hey, I think they called for their mother,” Jake observed.

The mother opened the largest of her maws, revealing every single tooth within to be one of the smaller candy corn creatures fused with their parent’s jawline. Flecks of sugary spit flew out, landing on the three heroes’ faces.

All of them screamed in unison, though Finn’s was by far the highest-pitched.

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