The Distant Princess

by GMBlackjack

XXXV - The Battle of Wide Eyes

Watchdogs, all things considered, are rather frail. They’re small, can’t develop large muscles, and have a massive weak point on full display. Their weapons are rather low-power, which is both a help and a hindrance.

They’re also largely incompetent.

As such, their strengths are largely regulated to their numbers and the element of surprise. When a horde of eyeball monsters with flashy laser guns charge, most of the will to fight vanishes. And when they do fight back, usually the Watchdogs will have a leader directing their movements.

Strike them when said leader is absent, or when said leader is infuriated…

They’re like sheep.

~~~

“Block,” Jack called. Finn raised his sword, meeting Jack’s own. “Good. Now, I’m going to swing three times from different directions, intercept them. Don’t worry about attacking.”

“Right,” Finn said, wringing his hands over the hilt of the Finn Sword.

Jack swung from the left, which Finn met easily. Jack slid his blade off Finn’s and brought it all the way around to the right side, which Finn had to jump back from so he had room to block. Jack made use of this, however, sliding up the Finn sword until he could smack Finn in the side of the head with the flat of his blade.

“Ow…” Finn muttered, rubbing his head. “Geez, you’re fast.”

“Speed, not power, is the chief requirement in a swordsman. You have the frame for it, and the reflexes, but you need to train for mindfulness.”

“Sounds about right, Rattleballs was saying something similar.”

“Rattleballs?”

“A robot. My last teacher.”

“I was under the impression you hadn’t had any training.”

“Nah, I’ve had some. Dad taught me most of the stuff I know, and Rattleballs…” Finn rubbed the back of his head. “I only trained with him for a day.”

“That explains your half-developed skills.” Jack flicked the hilt of his sword into his other hand and sheathed it.

“Aww, but sword training!” Finn waved his hands in the air.

“Warriors need rest, Finn. I will continue to train you in the way of the sword come morning.”

“Bubble-donk…” Finn sagged. “I am pretty tired. To sleep?”

“To sleep.”

They made their way to the trapdoor that led back into the Tree Fort. They didn’t get far.

“Hey! Finn! Old guy!” Marceline shouted, floating down from the sky. “There’s an alien army attacking the Candy Capital and they have Bonnie!”

“They’ve got her!?” Finn gasped. “We’ve gotta stop this!”

“The day never ends,” Jack observed. “How far?”

“Few minutes, by Jake,” Marceline answered. “Where’s Jake?”

“Asleep.” Finn poked his head into the Tree Fort. “Hey! Jake! Emergency! Candy Kingdom being attacked! Peebles’, kidnapped!”

“I’m up, I’m up!” Jake called from below. “Aaaaagh, I need more sleep! I have a headache!”

“Tough luck, we’ve got some hero-ing to do!”

“Perhaps I should handle this,” Jack suggested.

Finn let out a short laugh. “How many times have you saved Peebles from being kidnapped?”

“If we are referring to Princess Bubblegum, two times.”

“I… wasn’t expecting any, honestly, but, I’ve done it a lot more!”

“We don’t know where she is,” Marceline said. “Pinkie had me check their army and their crashed ship. I found nothing there, just more eye-aliens. So you guys are next on the list. Most of their forces are around the city walls. The army won’t take them on because they have Bonnie, but we…”

Starlight teleported to the roof. “You want to take on an army of aliens!? Are you crazy?”

Rainbow flew up, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah, especially at this time of night.”

“It doesn’t seem that unrealistic,” Lapis offered, floating up to them while holding BMO in her water, continuing to play her video game. “Seems pretty par for the course, right BMO?” The game declared “par!” prompting Lapis to give everyone a cheesy grin.

“Hah! Nice one!” Jake said while everyone else stared at her in disbelief.

“All right, fine,” Lapis set BMO down, cracking her knuckles. “I’ll bring a tidal wave on this ‘alien army’.” A tornado of water rose from a nearby lake and coalesced behind her.

“Wow. That’s… perfect.” Marceline broke out into a disbelieving laugh. “I have no idea who you are but you’re exactly what we need!”

“I’m Lapis. Lapis Lazuli. ...Gem Princess.”

“Gem…?” Marceline’s eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth. “I thought all of you were gone.”

“Apparently… not.” Lapis sighed. “Let’s talk about it later.”

“On it,” Jake said, growing to the size of a bus again. “Welcome aboard the—” he let out a huge yawn. “—S. S… doggy treat express, or something.”

Starlight put a hoof to her horn and groaned. “You’re going to fall asleep while running us there.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“I’ll just execute a long-range teleport. I’ve been there before, I know where to appear.”

“Do it,” Jack said. “Everyone, prepare for battle.”

Lapis set BMO down, shooing him off into the Tree Fort. Daintily, she set her feet on the ground next to Finn. Jake, Rainbow, Marceline, and Jack lined up next to them.

Starlight lit her horn. “I’m taking us a little ways out of the city.” Two layers of magic appeared around her horn and a soft magic circle appeared at her hooves. “We’ll be able to make a plan there.”

“Pinkie already has part of a plan for this.” Marceline reached into her pocket and pulled out a firework. “I’ve got a few of these. We needed an explosion for something else… but why not use them?”

“Insert confused chaos into their ranks…” Jack nodded in approval.

“Here we go…” Starlight pulled her head back, executing the spell. There was a bright flash, and in an instant the entire group was sitting on a hill just outside the Candy Capital. It was easy to make out the enemy encampment outside the city gates, being watched carefully by the gumball guardians.

Rainbow snickered. “They won’t know what hit them.”

Lapis gathered more and more water behind her. “They won’t have any idea…”

“Hmm…” Marceline frowned, looking at the Candy Capital. “The pyramids are glowing.”

“They’re not supposed to?” Jack asked.

“They weren’t earlier…” She shook her head. “I’ll worry about it later. Right now, let’s confuse the heck outta these eyeball freaks!”

~~~

A Watchdog by the name of Jeff was on the night watch. Currently, he was occupying his time by cooking a mini-sausage over a warm fire and humming a cheery tune. He actually liked this new method of conquering. Usually, it was all way too exciting and over too fast. Here, he actually had a moment to relax, cook, and enjoy himself while Lord Hater did the real work.

It was a nice change of pace and he hoped this whole planet was like this. Plus, everything smelled pleasant. The scent of sugary, fruity goodness had been a constant presence ever since they approached the Candy Capital. Even the grass was tasty! But, alas, it wasn’t sausage, so he still had to cook—though he enjoyed cooking.

Around him, Watchdogs were either sleeping or running around, looking for something to do. Jeff thought those scampering around like war could break out at any minute were being silly. Those massive gumball guardians wouldn’t dare do anything so long as they had the Candy Princess.

They were safe. And Jeff was happy.

That is, until a vampire lady with a sharp grin appeared in front of him, holding a lit firework.

“Sup.”

“Oh no…” Jeff glanced at his sausage. It wasn’t even fully cooked.

The vampire tossed the firework into the flames, triggering a bright blue explosion that shook the ground, waking every Watchdog up in an instant. Seeing the blue explosion coming from the middle of their camp with no known source, they started screaming in panic. Many started shooting wildly at the sky, occasionally hitting each other with their weapons. A few cried out with tears for Commander Peepers or Lord Hater, but neither of them were there to hear the cries.

Jeff hurt all over, but he had somehow retained consciousness and a hold on the stick he was cooking his sausage on. It was charred black. What a cruel joke.

It got worse. A stretchy yellow dog charged in, punching dozens of Watchdogs at once with his many limbs. Jeff got a punch to the back, tossing him into the air. He landed on the dog’s back, groaning. At least the dog was soft…

A humanoid kid with a bear hat planted his foot in Jeff’s stomach. “Take this!” He swung his sword like a golf club, smacking into Jeff’s head and tossing him into a garbage pile. This garbage bin would have protected him, had some unicorn not levitated it into the air and thrown it into some Watchdog tents that were still standing.

Covered in bruises and scrapes, Jeff stood up. He realized he didn’t even have his weapon anymore. There was no fighting back.

Those who were fighting back weren’t having much better luck. A rainbow pegasus weaved in and out of their energy bolts, kicking them right in the eyes. The kid was finding it pathetically easy to kick them over with a flick of his foot. And then there was the samurai warrior...

Jeff could only watch the samurai in awe. While the dog may have had more of a visual presence, it was clear that samurai was the most effective of all the attackers. One moment he was moving through blaster fire without breaking a sweat, the next he was jumping so high he crossed the entire encampment, prompting the persistent Watchdogs to shoot each other. He even deflected some of the blaster fire with his sword! Who had those reflexes!?

A drop of water hit Jeff in the head. Ugh, and now it’s raining too?! How could this get any worse? He looked up. He could still see the stars—not a cloud in the sky. Though there was a soft rippling.

Uh oh.

~~~

Lapis Lazuli dumped the contents of a lake onto the encampment, picking Rainbow, Starlight, Jake, Finn, and Jack out with waterspouts to keep them from the rushing water. Every single watchdog was swept away, all tents collapsed, and every fire was put out.

The army was in complete disarray.

“That’s how you do it, sister!” Jake called, high-fiving her.

Lapis grinned. “They never stood a chance.”

“What is going on out here!?” Commander Peepers shouted, marching out of the City with murder in his eye. “I swear I—”

Lapis pointed a finger at him. “I wouldn’t!”

Peepers froze, taking in the sorry state of his army and the scene of several people standing proud like they’d done all of this.

“Good Watchdog,” Finn said, cuckling. “Now, how’s about you let us in to take on your boss!”

“Yeah!” Jake added. “I don’t even know who the boss is, but I wanna punch his face in!”

“Lord Hater won’t be facing you,” Peepers said, folding his hands together. “Because that wasn’t all of his forces. Hey!” He pointed at the gumball guardians. “You lot! Stop standing around!”

“...What?” the gumball guardian said, visibly confused.

“You’ve surrendered! You serve Hater now! Take care of these fools or we’ll torture your Princess!”

The gumball guardian sighed. “Fine…”

Lapis’ eyes widened. She quickly raised a vortex of water between her and the gumball guardian. The gumball guardian unleashed his lasers, hitting the watery shield directly, converting it to vapor in seconds. A significant portion of the attack’s energy made it through, hitting Lapis and tossing her back.

“Dongles,” Jake said. “This might be bad.”

“I can take two. Maybe three,” Jack said.

“There are nine,” Starlight pointed out.

“Exactly the problem.”

The gumball guardians moved forward to continue their reluctant attack.

~~~

Bonnibel lowered her binoculars and handed them to Twilight. Twilight could scarcely believe what she was seeing—the entire Watchdog army being trounced by a handful of individual warriors.

“Wow.” Twilight lowered the binoculars. “That’s… kind of pathetic, actually.”

“They may not even need our help,” Bonnibel laughed. “They’re just gonna sweep them away and all this work will have been completely unnecessary.”

“Unacceptable!” Lemongrab shrieked. “We built this army, we’re gonna use it!”

Twilight shook her head. “No need. They have it in hoof. We might as well sit back and enjoy the show.”

Apex Daffodil summoned a massive bucket of popcorn and stuffed his face into it.

Bonnibel held the binoculars back to her face. “That one guy with the skills sure can jump well.”

“Mnhhh I think he jumps good,” Lemongrab dissented.

“That’s grammatically incorrect.”

“It sounds better!”

“Can I go over there?” Phoebe asked. “Please? I wanna burn them.”

“Sure y—” Bonnibel couldn’t stop a laugh as she lowered the binoculars again. “Nevermind, they just won. Someone dropped a lake on the army.”

Phoebe shivered, relieving many nightmares. “I don’t want to go over there any more.”

“You won’t have to. It’s over.” She put her hands on her hips, grinning. “You know, I really should give Finn an award or something. I know the King did but Finn… we treat him like a kid. And he is, but he’s still been the hero enough times we should start recognizing it.”

“Mneeeeeh…” Lemongrab whined.

“Something to think about when I get my Kingdom back.”

“I notice you didn’t say ‘if,’ “ Twilight observed, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

Bonnibel opened her mouth to respond, but then the gumball guardian attacked. Even from this distance, they could see the light without binoculars. “Oh no…”

“Why… why are they fighting?”

“They still think I’m captured!” Bonnibel shouted, jumping onto Twilight’s back. “Get me there as fast as possible!” She turned to Lemongrab and Phoebe as Twilight spread her wings. “Stay behind us, but bring the army!”

Twilight took off, and Bonnibel started shouting at the gumball guardians. “Hey! Hey, stop! It’s Bonnibel! It’s mother! Stop! I’m not in danger!”

From that distance, they couldn’t hear her. They didn’t even see her and Twilight coming.

“We need to get their attention…” Bonnibel winced as a gumball guardian unleashed another laser while one got punched by Jake. “I don’t want any of them to get hurt.”

“I can try an audio spell,” Twilight gasped. “But I’d slow an—”

As it turned out, they didn’t need to do anything to grab the gumball guardians’ attention. Because the most attention-grabbing noise in the Candy Kingdom was broadcast at a volume never heard before. Nobody in several miles was able to stand without feeling like their ears were falling off.

Lemongrab was shouting. As loud as he physically could.

“YOUR FIGHTING IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!”

The gumball guardians stopped instantly. Twilight lost control of her flight and crashed into the ground. Lapis dropped all the defensive water she had grabbed. Jake turned into a brick and fell to the ground. Few had the will to move after hearing such an unholy abomination of a noise.

Bonnibel was one of them. Shakily, she stood to her feet and started hobbing toward the gumball guardians. Now that they were looking toward the direction of the sound, they could see her waving her arms. She tripped and fell face-first in the mud, groaning.

The closest one jogged to her in four massive steps and picked her up. “You are not captured.”

“No… I’m free.” Bonnibel wiped the mud out of her eyes. “And I’ve brought a lemon army.”

“It is no longer necessary.”

“I know. But you don’t need to fight anymore. It’s over.” She brushed her hands off on her shirt, breathing heavily. “Set me down at the gates.”

The gumball guardian moved back to the others, setting Bonnibel on the ground in front of Commander Peepers. Twilight landed next to her seconds later.

“What in Celestia’s name was that noise, Twilight?!” Rainbow asked, rubbing her ears. “My head hurts…”

“It’d… take too long to explain,” Twilight said. “But we owe that noise so much.”

Bonnibel flexed her wrists, “Yes, yes, I suppose I can give him an award too…”

“You’re not even a little proud?”

“Wait for my headache to die down, then maybe I’ll be proud.” She cleared her throat, turning to Finn and his group. “Heroes of the land, I thank you for your service in liberating us.”

Jack bowed to her. “It is our pleasure to assist.”

“Now, has anyone seen Marceline?”

“She’s gone into the city, dealing with something that Pinkie wanted exploded.” Finn shrugged. “She didn’t really explain much.”

Bonnibel nodded, a smile coming to her face. “Good. Now…” Her expression soured. She kneeled down so she was eye level with Commander Peepers. “Commander.”

“P-princess…”

“Technically speaking, I’m not Princess right now. But the gumball guardians will listen to me. So… how about you surrender?”

“The Hater Empire never surrenders!”

“Your army is decimated and not even Hater can take on the entire Kingdom by himself. You’ve lost.”

“And we didn’t even have to use the lemon army!” Twilight cheered, clapping her front hooves together.

“So…” Bonnibel lifted Peepers’ head up with a finger. “Surrender?”

“I… I…”

Lightning struck, but there was no cloud in the sky. There was no light, either. Just a dark gash across the sky and a thundering boom that was far more forceful than Lemongrab’s scream, if less agonizing. The few Watchdogs that had stood back up fell over once again.

A dark shape rose from the ground; a black spire coalesced from a void-like tarry substance. Arms erupted from the sides as swords, riddled with thorns the size of buildings. The head took shape, towering above even the gumball guardians. Sickly green strands appeared, forming the edge of the mouth that grew numerous bladed teeth. The eyes popped into existence with crimson flames above, and numerous flat-tipped horns grew out of the head’s top.

The towering entity of darkness looked down… and laughed.

“Aku…” Jack breathed, short of breath. He took a step back.

“Samurai…” Aku lifted his hands to the night sky. “I do not believe I’ve had the pleasure of hearing real fear in your voice. I am going to relish this.”

Comments

[Crack-Fic Casey]

Welp.

[FanOfMostEverything]

“How many times have you saved Peebles from being kidnapped?”
“If we are referring to Princess Bubblegum, two times.”

Friendly reminder that Jack and Bonnie are both older than they look.

“Gem…?” Marceline’s eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth. “I thought all of you were gone.”

Likewise Marceline, but that's much less of a surprise with vampires.

A moment of silence for Jeff's sausage, please.

“That one guy with the skills sure can jump well.”
“Mnhhh I think he jumps good,” Lemongrab dissented.
“That’s grammatically incorrect.”

But technically accurate!

Oh. Oh. That escalated quickly. I can't imagine this will be pleasant in the short term.

[alfonso_rd_33]

10570111
Well, Billy E. Cypher has been busy at work...