> The Distant Princess
>  by GMBlackjack
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> I - Amethyst Skies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the Amethyst Skies came, it brought with it change. Everyone who had any idea of what the event was had expected this. The irritating paradox is that the change was both less dramatic than expected and yet much further reaching. No explosions, no impact… and yet the power within changed the world from a distance. 

The worst part? The effects were completely unintentional. Like a mad god playing poker and screaming “Yahtzee!” as he punts the ball through the field goal, somehow managing to win a game nobody knew he was playing—least of all himself.

So while everyone talked endlessly about the amazing light show in the sky, they completely missed out on the subtle changes happening on the world’s surface that paved the way for a shift nobody could have been prepared for. 


~~~


Something so small should not have been able to transform the whole world. 

It was nothing more than a tiny purple speck in the sky, not at all unlike a star, odd only in the fact that it was bright enough to be seen in the middle of the day. The sun should have dominated this spark, but the inverse was true: the sun’s light was drowned out as the cosmic light bathed the world in a blanket of pure purple. Greens, reds, and blues all vanished under its singular glare, forcing all to match its color or become a solid, lifeless black. 

What had once been verdant groves or harsh wastelands gained an aspect of surreal artificiality as one of nature’s rarest hues became the only hue: wiping out land, sea, and sky with its oppression. In this light, conversations ended, wars stopped, and the fears of the moment were stripped away as something larger than any one insignificant life approached the world. 

Peoples of all kinds were united in this experience. In a distant town many miles away, many technicolor ponies stared at the sky in fascination—though many were huddled in their homes panicking about the “strange thing in the sky” that couldn’t possibly be anything other than a portent of doom. A great dragon on a distant mountain lifted his crimson head and observed the comet, trying to remember if he’d seen anything like this in his long life. In a land of trees made of candy, a single bubblegum woman looked at the sky with worry and distrust. 

One of untold thousands who witnessed the cosmic glare was a little rectangular robot that had chosen the top of a sand dune to have lunch. He had packed a basket filled with fruits and vegetables to give the illusion of feasting, though in reality all he had needed was a place to absorb sun rays for a while. He was now receiving well over the expected solar energy, unable to look away from the sight despite the reasonable fear that the unnatural light might be corrupting his systems. 

His screen reflected the light of the spark back into the sky, obscuring the simplistic black lines that made up his face. He dropped a half-head of cabbage that he had been pretending to eat, unconcerned that it was ruined by the sand. Deep within his circuitry, the wires that let him experience awe were so overwhelmed they threatened to wear out. There was no way he could look away—no way he could have sensed the other robots surrounding him. 

A black claw coiled around him and lifted him into the air, damaging his exterior. The circuits that qualified as his pain receptors went off, shaking his attention enough to let out an “Ow!”

The soulless robot that had grabbed him lifted his miniscule form high into the sky so he could see the entirety of the beetle-shaped mech. Multi-faceted eyes stared into his very core, accompanied by six menacing scythe-like limbs and a shell composed of unnaturally black metal, even considering the current lighting conditions. A dozen or so identical beetles flanked it, completely surrounding the dune. 

“Entity identified as CMO,” the monotone voice of the assailant droned. “Where is the MO factory?”

“I won’t tell you chumps anything!” CMO squealed, kicking and flailing to no avail. He was not a combat robot and he was far too small to even dent these war machines. 

The beetle drone squeezed its claw tighter. “Comply.”

“Can’t you see there’s bigger things going on in the sky?”

“Irrelevant. Mission: locate MO factory.”

CMO let out a digitized groan. “Why are you bugs so stupid?”

“Irrelevant. Where is the MO factory?”

CMO knew if he refused to talk for much longer they were going to squish him into scrap metal and search for another poor MO machine to grill for information. CMO couldn’t let that happen, so he did the most heroic thing he could think of at that moment. 

He turned on his siren at max volume. “Help me! Somebody help me!” The sound wave was more than strong enough to send grains of sand flying in every direction, though the beetles themselves were completely unaffected. 

CMO was a very lucky MO that day, for there was precisely one being in range to hear his plea: an armored warrior riding through the desert on a similarly armored motorcycle. The cry for help echoed through his horned helmet, just overcoming the roar of his vehicle’s engine. It only took a glance for him to assess the situation: a poor, innocent robot being tormented by the beetles. 

He hesitated. Ahead of him was his goal: the purple spark falling toward the horizon. Already, he was concerned that he wasn’t going to make it before it hit. He had no time for a detour. 

Such thoughts did not dissuade him for long. Using one hand, he twisted the front wheel of his cycle into a sharp ninety-degree turn that would have thrown a lesser man off. Not only did he stay on, but he drew a black pistol in the midst of the turn, firing off a single bullet that tore the limb holding CMO off the beetle, freeing the little robot. 

“Woohoo!” CMO shouted, waving his arms around. “Thanks, mister!” He hit the ground with a soft thud. “...Ow.”

The warrior couldn’t hear CMO’s normal voice over the din of the engine and the crack of his gun. He fixated entirely on picking off as many of the beetles as he could with nothing more than bullets, puncturing their armor and tearing out their circuitry with every blast. 

In turn, half the beetles rushed him, front limbs poised to cut him from all sides. The warrior waited until he was virtually on top of them before pulling back on his cycle and deploying spikes out of the wheels. The three closest robots were torn to shreds as though they were nothing but pieces of paper before a chainsaw. 

Jumping off the motorcycle, the warrior let it ram into several other beetles before it tipped over without him to balance it. With a swift motion, he drew a curved sword and cut one of the remaining machines right down the middle. Without missing a beat, he twirled around and cut gashes through their metal armor, toppling several over. 

“Wow…” CMO said, putting his hands to his virtual face in awe. “He makes it look so easy!” Picking up one of the beetles’ discarded limbs, he swung it like a bat, harmlessly knocking into the leg of a functioning beetle. It glared at him in baffled anger—a lethal mistake, since the warrior took the moment of distraction to chop it in half. 

“Woohoo! I’m helping!” CMO declared, jumping up and down. “Take that beetle-bots!”

After the mechanized carnage from the gun, motorcycle, and sword, only one beetle remained standing. It took one look at the warrior and CMO, quickly deciding its only hope was to run away. 

The warrior pulled out a knife and threw it after the retreating bot, slicing right through its central processing unit. It never stood a chance. 

“Woohoo! We did it!” CMO shouted, jumping up and down in excitement. “Thanks for your help!”

The warrior nodded to CMO, returning to his motorcycle without a single word. He checked to see that there was no lasting damage before setting it upright and getting back on. 

“Wait!” CMO called. “You’re just going to leave like that?”

“Yes,” the warrior said in a voice both young and old, but above all else tired. He pointed at the speck tainting the color of the world. “I must go.”

“But I don’t eve—”

Without any fanfare, flashy lights, or even a tremor in the earth, the purple light vanished. Instantly, natural color returned to the world as the sun regained control. The bright blue of the sky contrasted with the dry amber of the sand where a robot and an armored man stood, looking up in confusion. 

“That was lame!” CMO whined. “What kind of magic star just vanishes for no reason!?”

“...Stars don’t just disappear…” the warrior said, gripping the handlebars tightly. “There must be something there.”

“Huh?”

The warrior let the motorcycle do the speaking for him. The engine revved for a few seconds, and then he was off, speeding through the desert along the same trajectory he had been on prior to the interruption. Leaving CMO in the dust, he traveled north. Something had happened to the cosmic light, and he was going to find out what it was. 

“Thanks anyway!” CMO called after him. “I’ll never forget you!”

The warrior gave no indication that he had even heard the robot’s call.
> II - A Proposal for Adventure
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time in the magical land of Ooo... there were two regal princesses who thought themselves high and mighty. Together they claimed power over the moon and the sun. Promoting their ideals of “friendship” and “harmony” they brought ponykind together in the second largest nation on the face of the earth: Equestria. One might consider this impressive if it wasn’t so insufferably saccharine. 

These sisters had an unpleasant habit of bestowing power onto their subjects rather than keeping their rule secure. For such powerful entities, it is hilarious to think of how often they were captured or defeated by seemingly insignificant threats. 


~~~


Not even a full day after the skies of the world were painted purple, certain individuals across the land were giving detailed reports on the phenomenon. One of these was none other than the alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle, and in the limited timespan since the event she had amassed more information from observations than should have been physically possible. 

Luckily for her, she was a master of magic. Some said her purple coloration made this obvious, but she always reminded them not all creatures with purple coats were masters of magic. 

“...So, naturally, I started calling it the Sparkling Comet,” Twilight said, swirling a metallic pointer in the air. Absent-mindedly, she had commanded the telekinesis spell to rotate the pointer in a perfect circle around a pencil sketch of the Comet itself. Despite all the numbers and graphs she had next to the diagram, the image itself was little more than a purple circle with swirls in it, a clear indication of incomplete knowledge that Twilight was doing her best not to think about. Instead, she was focusing on her words, trying to get her point across without letting out an unwelcome snort or, Stars forbid, a neigh. As natural as the noise was for all equines, herself included, it never added anything to speeches and often threw comprehension out the window. She needed to be careful. 

Twilight took a few steps to the side to reveal part of the whiteboard that her body had been hiding previously, her hooves clattering against the marble ground with every slight adjustment. “The Sparkling Comet itself was headed on a direct trajectory toward the planet, and all signs pointed to it crashing at these coordinates.” The magenta energy swirling around her horn brightened slightly as she put more effort into the telekinesis spell, ramming the pointer into a pair of numbers worked out to thirty decimal digits. “The sheer amount of number crunching required to get this level of precision was… outrageous. And probably unnecessary now that I think about it, who’d need to know precisely what tree it would hit? The crater would have a diameter of…” 

She caught herself rambling, stopping short with a nervous ruffling of her wings. “Never mind, the point is, it was supposed to hit at those coordinates. But, instead, it just vanished. Middle of the sky, glowing bright enough to challenge the sun, it just poofed. The surge of arcane energy from the event was absolutely massive, more than anything I’d ever felt before, even when Tirek had all the magic of Equestria inside him at once!” She let out a laugh mixed with a snort. “That’s absurd! Nothing has that kind of power, not Discord, not the Elements, nothing! Furthermore, the signature didn’t match any known field of magic. It wasn’t dark, harmony, chaos, elemental, emotive, earthly, nothing.”

Putting on a smirk, she spread her wings wide and took on a posture she hoped was not only authoritative, but confident. “This is one of the greatest mysteries Equestria has ever seen, and with the scales involved it would be an immense oversight not to investigate. Which is why I propose that I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, journey to the Comet’s projected landing site to investigate the phenomenon up close. I understand that it is unusual for a Princess such as myself to take personal interest in such an event, but there are several reasons my personal presence would be better for the nation. Ahem. Reason one—”

One half of her royal audience interrupted from her throne. “Twilight, you can just go. You’re a Princess, you don’t need to ask our permission to do things.”

Twilight’s confident demeanor vanished in an instant, a nervous smile far too large crawling up her face. “B-but I didn’t even get to my points yet! There’s sooo many reasons, Celestia!”

The regal Celestia raised an incredulous eyebrow so high that it shifted the crown resting on her head. Like Twilight, she was an alicorn: an equine with both a set of wings and a magical horn. Unlike Twilight, Celestia was outrageously tall, had significantly thinner legs, and had a flowing mane of majestic pastel colors. “Twilight…”

“Look, I know you told me I could just, uh, go, but it’s a big deal to just leave Equestria like this all of a sudden and it’s definitely not in the handbooks and the ponies need official notice and…” 

Celestia chuckled softly. “You still have to do things by the book.”

“Or write the book for things that don’t have books,” the other half of Twilight’s audience added, the dark Princess Luna. She was slightly shorter than her solar sister, and her mane was one of billowing stars, a mirror to the night sky if there ever could be such a thing. 

Celestia put a hoof to her chin. “I would be tempted to argue with you on that point, except I do remember her writing a book for herself about ‘proper dragon raising etiquette’.”

Twilight threw her mane back in a huff. “And I’ll have you know that I published that book and it has become a bestseller!”

Luna leaned in, her mane swirling from the motion. “You were my sister’s Protegée, anything you published would be a bestseller.” 

“I… well…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. “Good point…?”

“I should buy a copy,” Celestia mused. “Or read the copy that you inevitably gifted me at some point that I’ve somehow forgotten about.”

“No!” Twilight shouted, suddenly frantic. “You don’t need to read it! Trust me, nothing in there you need to know! You were there for most of it, don’t need to relive it!” She laughed nervously. 

“Well now I have to read it.” 

With a dejected groan, Twilight rammed her face into the whiteboard, puncturing a hole right through the diagram of the Comet. I wrote it in a week and I’ve seen at least seven major errors and I can’t get another edition printed since it’s outdated. I’m doomed. 

“Maybe you made the Comet disappear by stabbing it with your horn,” Luna suggested, gesturing at the hole in the whiteboard. 

“Har dee har,” Twilight deadpanned. “...Luna, don’t you dare give me a dream about that tonight.”

The Princess of the Night gave an innocent smirk that Twilight didn’t buy for a second. 

“Perhaps we should give Twilight a break,” Celestia said, standing up from her throne. “You did go out of the way to schedule this for our benefit, after all, when all you needed to do was send a written notice of your departure.”

Luna snorted. “It is... understandable.”

Celestia nodded, her smile growing slightly. “Twilight, you not only have my permission to go, you have my blessing. Go and solve this mystery for Equestria; have an adventure with your friends.”

“Friends?” Twilight gawked. “I didn’t mention my friends yet!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You’re the Princess of Friendship, I would be shocked if you went somewhere without your friends by choice.”

Twilight blinked. “Riiiight… yeah, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie want to come.”

“Pinkie Pie?” Luna asked, cocking her head. “She didn’t strike me as one to go on an adventure for the sake of science.”

“She’s not in it for the adventure or science. Ever since I told her it was in the Candy Kingdom, she—” Twilight stopped, sensing a dramatic change in the demeanor of the two elder Princesses. “...Is there something wrong with the Candy Kingdom?”

“Not… exactly,” Luna said, frowning.

“It can’t be the candy people themselves. I’ve seen a few in Ponyville. They’re not the brightest bunch, but they’re pretty harmless—sweet even!” Twilight cursed herself for the inadvertent pun. 

“Oh, their people really are like that,” Celestia said. “And, really, there is no problem with the Candy Kingdom.”

“No problem?” Luna huffed indignantly. “Their Princess is a paranoid controlling despot who hides behind a cheery facade. We are still finding her spy cameras everywhere.”

“Luna, that’s hardly fair…”

“You know I’m not exaggerating.” Luna turned her gaze to Twilight, suddenly serious. “When you make it to the Candy Kingdom, do not be fooled by its colorful mask. There are dark secrets within. Do not let their Princess take you in with her smiles. Be careful.”

Twilight swallowed. This isn’t going to be as simple as I’m hoping, is it? “You can count on me, Luna. I won’t let her pull the blinds over me.”

“Good,” Luna said, withdrawing. “I only have one more question.”

“What is it?”

“How do you intend to cross the Everfree Forest?”


~~~


Twilight’s personal airship was a state-of-the-art masterpiece, and it couldn’t be any other way for Equestria’s newest Princess. Unlike many airship designs, this one had the balloon merged with the gondola to create a singular entity that was a significant upgrade in terms of structural integrity. Soft, silvery metal lined the lavender balloon, the center of which had the mark of Twilight displayed proudly upon it: a purple starburst with five smaller starbursts around it. The gondola itself had a dozen windows and could easily hold a dozen ponies within its walls. The exterior was laced with golden leaf designs that culminated in a pony sculpture just below the cockpit, hoof outstretched in friendship to whatever lay ahead of it. 

Had it been equipped with any weapons, it might have been menacing. But when it had been built Twilight had refused to let the engineers install any. She was the Princess of Friendship; traveling in a mobile war machine simply wouldn’t do. If she wanted to travel in style, she was going to do so without being a threat. Even though the sight of a massive balloon might be immensely threatening to certain small tribes. There was a point where trying to make a good impression was an endeavor with diminishing returns. 

Twilight stood at the front of the cockpit, gripping the levers with both her front legs and her wings. This was a doubly redundant setup—not only were the wing levers and leg levers functionally identical, the ship was also capable of flying itself due to a complex navigation spell Twilight had personally imbued within the craft. There was no need for her to drive at all. 

That didn’t mean she wasn’t going to take the time to enjoy the feeling of being at the helm of a craft ready to sail into the unknown, even if it wasn't really unknown. Just the Everfree Forest—an admittedly treacherous biome where magic ran free, making it so the pegasi couldn’t control the weather like they normally did across Equestria. 

Her ship was prepared for it, though. Protective enchantments for rain, wind, lightning, and snow doubled with enough food and supplies for two full months out in the world should it be required. The hardest things to get were the various pieces of advanced surveying equipment, but even those had arrived eventually. It had taken a few agonizing weeks to set everything up for the voyage, but it was finally time. They had already said their goodbyes. All that was left... was to set off.

“Hey. Hey Twilight,” whispered a bouncy pink pony with a mane that looked and smelled of cotton candy. “I think Dashie’s getting impatient.”

“Me? Impatient!?” Their other companion, a cyan pegasus with the build of an athlete and a mane containing every color of the rainbow, snorted. “Hardly. I can sit here however long I want.”

“Oh. Okay!” The pink one turned back to Twilight. “Dashie’s not bored, just keep waiting! Savor the moment!” She reached into her massive tangle of a mane, pulling out a cupcake and munching on it. 

Twilight released her grip on the levers to levitate the bits of cupcake and sprinkles away from her coat. With a roll of her eyes, she waved at Pinkie with her wing. “Pinkie, we can’t just eat cupcakes next to the controls. It’ll gunk everything up!”

Pinkie gasped. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even think about it, I was just thinking about savoring the moment and marking the start of our journey and candy people.” The grin on her face threatened to cut her head in half. “Bring on the exploration, I’ll bring the punch! Hmm, now will that be fruit flavored or hoof-to-the-face flavored?” She trailed off, listing off different words and ideas relating to “punch” that Twilight automatically tuned out. 

“...Rainbow, is it just me, or is she acting stranger than usual?” Twilight asked her friend.

Rainbow shrugged with her wings. “It’s Pinkie Pie. It’s really hard to tell. And I mean reaaaaally hard to tell.”

Pinkie shot bolt upright, jittering like she was a filly that had ingested way too much caffeine. “I’m just super duper fantasticalabulously excited to go to the Candy Kingdom! Did you know that it’s not just the people that are candy? It’s the houses! It’s the street! It’s the trees! Everything is made of candy and I’m gonna eat it!”

Twilight and Rainbow stared at her. 

“Well, not the people, duh, and I’ll ask permission before eating anybody’s house. I’m not some kind of candy-eating monster from a horror movie, that’d be silly.” She put a hoof to her mouth and giggled. “Although, I bet I could get some good pranks out of that idea…”

“Pinkie, remember, we’re going there for a reason,” Twilight said. 

“Yeah yeah,” Rainbow said, dismissively. “Go investigate the weird purple thing for the safety of Equestria.”

“...I thought we were doing it to satisfy Twilight’s curiosity,” Pinkie said, cocking her head. 

“Both!” Twilight snapped, blushing right after she did. “We’re doing both.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Riiiight. Well, while you’re rolling in egghead business and Pinkie’s rolling in sugar content so high it should be toxic, I’ll be exploring!”

“The Candy Kingdom isn’t exactly unexplored, Dashie.” Pinkie held up a map and pointed at it. “See? We’ve got all its borders and everything!”

“That doesn’t mean there’s no exploring to be done! No adventures to be had!” Rainbow flapped her wings, hovering in the air to get some height on her friends. “There’s going to be something amazing on the other side of the Everfree, I just know it. And I’m going to be the one to find it!”

Twilight chuckled. “All right, all right, we all have different reasons for going, and we’ll all get to do what we want. But first… road trip!” She jumped back on the levers and pushed all of them forward. 

The airship immediately went backwards, ignoring Twilight’s currently misguided sense of direction in favor of the correct, westward, route. 

“Nice,” Rainbow snickered. 

“Oh, be quiet, I’m the one who crafted this navigation spell, I’m still technically driving.”

“So did you beat yourself, or lose to yourself?” Pinkie asked.

“I beat m—wait, no I lost? But then I would win and I would lose and…” 

Pinkie let out another giggle. “This is going to be a great trip! C’mon Dashie, let’s sing some traveling songs!”
> III - Dregon Loot
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adventuring is a career taken up by the extremely powerful, or the idiotic. 

These two traits are not mutually exclusive, unfortunately. 

Stick around the more menacing areas of Ooo long enough and you will encounter many of all types of adventurers. This includes the absolutely infuriating variety that has no brains but an exceptionally long streak of luck that boggles all laws of probability. 


~~~


In the proud tradition of adventuring, there are few encounters so romanticized as the duel with a dragon for its treasure. The tale is often told forgetting that dragons are sapient creatures in their own right that usually take issue with their homes being invaded, but in the heat of the storytelling moment, few people will stop to consider the ethics of the epic hero’s tale. The story is just too enthralling: an underdog hero up against a monstrous reptile, the odds stacked so against him that victory seems impossible, but everyone knows he’ll pull through eventually. 

More often than is probably healthy, legends such as that inspire the actual adventurers of the land, putting the foolish idea of dragon-fighting deep into impressionable minds. More broadly, it was often assumed that “fight big monster” led to “get big loot.”

For the adventurers Jake the Dog and Finn the Human, this gospel was accepted as truth. 

If only they had an actual dragon to fight. 

“Take this, dragon!” Finn shouted, lifting his sword. The sun glinted off the blue crystal in the hilt, accentuating the pearly-white blade. It was clearly a sword designed for Finn, matching his color scheme almost exactly with the blue of his shirt and the white of his small bear hat. An orange tail slapped Finn in the stomach mid-jump, tossing him to the grassy ground with an undignified “oof”. 

“You know, I don’t think this is really a dragon, come to think of it,” Jake said.

Finn glanced at his yellow canine companion with a look of disbelief. “What? Why not?”

The bipedal dog scratched his drooping jowls with his hand. “I mean… aren’t dragons supposed to be big flying lizards? Just look at this thing!”

The beast growling at them was an elongated lump of floating orange flesh with two sets of wings placed at seemingly random places on its body, a single set of stubby arms that couldn’t be very useful, numerous fleshy nubs dotting its skin, and two translucent sacks on its neck that were filled with some kind of gaseous substance. It’s face was flat and exceedingly ticked off. 

“I mean, maybe?” Finn frowned. “But what is it if it’s not a dragon?”

“I don’t know, I’m not the zoologist here. Ask Bubblegum.”

“Fine, I’ll ask her l—”

The fleshy beast’s maw opened, unleashing a torrent of flame at the two of them. Finn leapt to the side with amazing reflexes while Jake simply shrunk himself down to the size of an ant, allowing the flames to pass over him. 

“Ha! See? Fire breath!” Finn hefted his sword high. “Totally a dragon!”

Tiny-Jake said something Finn couldn’t hear. 

“What was that?”

Jake regrew to his normal size. “I think that’s just why we call it a dragon.”

“Oh.” Finn dodged a swish of the not-dragon’s tail, expertly rolling into a fighting stance. “What should we call it then?”

“Bumdalonk?” Jake suggested with a shrug. 

“Hmm…” Finn took a moment to consider this. “You know, that has a nice ring to i—”

The beast’s fleshy tail wrapped around Finn, lifting him into the air. 

“Nah, bumdalonk’s too random,” Jake said, starting to pace in a circle. “What about… ooh, a nagon! Since it’s not a dragon! Eh? Eh?”

“Jake…” Finn gagged as the air was squeezed out of his lungs. 

“You’re right, that’s too obvious. Hmm… Maybe nuggle, since it reminds me of that freaky chicken nugget I had last week?”

“Jake…” Finn wheezed, the edges of his vision starting to go blurry. “Help…”

“Aha! I’ve got it!” Jake whirled around, pointing at the beast. “You’re a dillstop!” 

The creature stared at Jake in disbelief. There was a moment where the only noise was Finn’s pained gasps. 

“...Huh. Seems like you got Finn.” Jake blinked, processing. “You got Finn! Don’t worry buddy, I’ve got you!” He grew his left hand to double the size of his regular body and punched the creature in the face. He hit with enough force to shake Finn free and toss the beast several meters away. 

“Took you… long enough…” Finn grumbled. 

“But I always save you eventually!” Jake gave Finn a thumbs up. 

Finn sat up, rubbing his head. In the distance, he saw the creature fleeing as fast as its stubby wings could carry it, which was impressive considering how ridiculous it looked while flying. “Wh… the nuggle’s getting away!”

“Dillstop,” Jake corrected. 

“We’ve got to beat it up and take its loot!” Finn shouted, suddenly full of energy again. “C’mon Jake!”

“Nah, man, that thing’s long gone. Probably didn’t have any loot anyway, wasn’t even a proper dragon.”

“Aw man…” Finn sighed, allowing the tip of his sword to scrape the ground. “This whole day is bunk.”

“There are Finn cakes back at the treehouse,” Jake said. 

“Nevermind, this day isn’t bunk, it’s amazing! To the Finn cakes!”

Jake altered his form so Finn could ride him easily. Shifting down to four legs longer than most trees were tall, he carried Finn back home. 

It didn’t occur to them until much later that they could have just ridden to the not-dragon like this and easily caught up. By that time, however, Finn’s mouth was already full of pastries made in the shape of his face and the beast was well into its panicked flight.


~~~


“I spy with my little eye…” Pinkie said, glancing out the window of the airship at the world below. “Something green!”

“Is it a tree?” Rainbow asked.

“Yes it is!” Pinkie giggled. “But which tree?”

“Pinkie, we’re over the Everfree Forest, there are hundreds of trees.”

“I believe she’s referring to the tree made of slime,” Twilight commented, gesturing at the sickly green tree with a tip of her wing. 

“Twilight wins!” Pinkie shouted, throwing her hoof wide and sending confetti over the floor of the airship’s cockpit. She had done this numerous times over the course of the journey, creating a floor essentially made of confetti at this point. “Does anypony else want to go?”

“Nope,” Rainbow said, stretching her face with her hooves. 

“Great! Then I’ll go again!” Pinkie looked out again. “I spy with my little eye… something orange!”

“Orange?” Twilight blinked, following Pinkie’s gaze out the window. “That’s unusual…” She found the object of Pinkie’s game almost immediately, seeing as it contrasted heavily with the Everfree’s trees. It was an elongated fleshy lump with numerous stumpy limbs that Twilight recognized instantly. “Oh, hey, a dregon!”

“...Dregon?” Rainbow asked, the name interesting enough to get her to look out. “That thing?”

“Yes! In olden times they were mistaken for actual dragons since they breathed fire and flew, but they’re clearly not—aren’t even reptiles. But people were already calling them dragons, so the term dregon was derived from that.”

“That has to be confusing.”

“It is, but there are worse names in the world. For instance, the stars a—”

“Hey, it’s coming to say hi!” Pinkie said, grin widening. “Hi dregon!”

“Coming to say… oh no.” Twilight levitated a pair of binoculars out of a drawer, focusing on the dregon. It was coming right at them, that much was true. Its eyes were also shut and its mouth was wide open, indicative of a beast in the midst of panic. 

“It doesn’t see us…” Twilight breathed. 

“Then let’s move!” Rainbow shouted. 

“This is an airship! It isn’t exactly known for quick maneuverabili—”

The dregon smashed into the airships’s balloon at high speeds. Even with the beast’s impressive girth, it was not enough to puncture the protective spells. The balloon remained solid. 

That said, the navigation spells did nothing to stop the airship from being flipped upside-down. The spell was prepared for tornado-scale winds, lightning, monsoons, and even magical assaults. It was, however, not prepared to navigate while the ship was upside down. It started to droop toward the ground. 

Inside the gondola, Twilight, Rainbow, and Pinkie were on the ceiling. “Ow…” Rainbow groaned. 

Twilight was nowhere near as relaxed as Rainbow. Heart racing, she flew into the air and grabbed hold of the controls with her telekinesis, pulling on them. The navigation spell ignored her, since it thought it knew what it was doing. 

“Dumb thing!” Twilight snapped, focusing on the override switch. She popped open the glass casing and pulled the lever, overriding the navigation spell entirely. 

“Finally!” With a smirk, she focused her telekinesis on the control levers. “Pull up!”

This would have worked like a charm had the airship not been upside down at the moment. From its current orientation “pulling up” meant “diving into the ground.” 

When she felt herself get significantly lighter and saw the trees looming closer to the main window, Twilight realized her mistake. “Oh for the… brace for impact!” 

Trees snapped and the world shook around Twilight, knocking her to the ground. There was a sickening metallic crunch and everything went black.
> IV - Spooky Roads
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The definition of “undead” is a slippery subject that sires many arguments, usually ending with “I’ll know an undead when I see it.” 

Beyond that, it’s a mess. Zombies are clearly undead, since they were dead corpses that were re-animated. Ghosts would be the same, right? Except there are some loose spirits that were never a living thing. Then there are vampires. For some reason, people think they’re undead, but they never really died. They were just transformed into something else that lived in a different way than normal. Some mummies suffer from the same confusion. I myself know of three separate individuals who were mummified alive. 

Don’t get me started on the Lich. That’s a completely different can of worms. 


~~~


The stench of burning oil was what woke Twilight up. Her skull felt as though it were about to explode from the pressure. So intense was the pain that her mind couldn’t draw the connection between burning oil and impending engine explosion. 

Luckily for her, she was not alone. She was vaguely aware of somepony’s leg scooping her up and placing her into a narrow, cylindrical space with cold walls. She was thankful for the closed interior; now she didn’t have to deal with the noxious smell or the noise. Everything was fine. Her mind even started to clear up, thankful for the removal of stimuli. At first. 

Wait a minute… cold… cylindrical… narrow…

Her eyes shot open, taking in the sky blue of the metal surrounding her. There was only one opening to the cylinder and it was pointed right at one of the airship’s windows. Even in her semi-delirious state, Twilight was able to put two and two together. She was inside Pinkie’s party cannon. 

Suddenly the pounding headache seemed insignificant. 

“Pinkie, wait, n—”

Pinkie either paid her no mind or, more concerningly, had waited for Twilight to voice her objection before firing the cannon. Twilight couldn’t be sure, and she didn’t exactly have time to think deeply about the possibilities. With a burst of confetti and a festive noise, the party cannon launched Twilight at the window. She crashed through the damaged glass easily, though this did no favors to her headache. Twilight’s wings flared out as she attempted to right herself, but she was no ace flyer. The muddy ground met her with a disgusting squelch, all but completely swallowing one of her legs and coating half her face. 

With a grunt, she managed to roll over and look back at where she had come from. The airship had crashed nose-first into the muddy ground, having uprooted a half dozen trees and lit a few of the high and dry branches aflame. The cargo hold was suffering the most from the flames, the balloon had so many holes it was definitely unsalvageable, and Rainbow Dash was out cold and flying directly at Twilight. 

Oh.

Their heads met, knocking Twilight further into the mud and waking Rainbow up instantly. Her pegasus instincts were tuned much finer than Twilight’s, allowing her to avoid a muddy bath by entering a hovering pattern. “What in Equestria!?”

“You’re all welcome!” Pinkie called, bouncing next to them. 

Rainbow glanced at the burning wreckage of the airship. “Wait… what happened?”

“You and Twilight smacked heads when we crashed, leaving it to me to get you out!” Pinkie grinned as though they hadn’t just been through a tremendously dangerous ordeal—though if Twilight knew her friend, she was just trying to distract the two of them so they wouldn’t panic. 

Rainbow flapped toward Pinkie. “Pfft. I wouldn’t get knocked out from a simple hit on the head.”

Twilight sat up, trying and failing to scrape mud out of her mane. “She shot you out of her party cannon and you were still out cold.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed. “I had to smack you two together to undo the damage!”

“That’s not how it works,” Twilight muttered, rubbing her head. “Anyway, Pinkie, did you salvage anything else?”

“No, sorry,” Pinkie said. “I’ll hop back in a—”

The cargo hold of the airship exploded, mixing with the magical enchantments to create an impressive violet mushroom cloud. 

“...At least it’s pretty,” Pinkie laughed nervously. 

Twilight’s left eye twitched. “Okay… everything’s fine… we just lost our ship and all our supplies and we crashed in the Everfree Forest! Everything’s great!” She laughed nervously. 

“Bah, we’ve dealt with worse,” Rainbow said. “We can take any wild monsters, no problem. Actually… where’s that dregon?”

“Probably nursing a splitting headache…” Pinkie shook her head. “He hit us without realizing it! Poor thing…”

“I’m having a little difficulty empathizing with the dregon right now,” Twilight grumbled, rubbing her horn with a hoof in a vain attempt to nurse the headache. 

“Same,” Rainbow agreed. “That bozo wrecked everything! I was looking forward to some of those cakes you packed!”

Pinkie pulled a cupcake out of her mane and raised her eyebrow. 

“...Twilight, why did we even pack food?”

Twilight forced herself to smile. “Why, Rainbow, we can’t subsist entirely off sugary substances Pinkie produces with aggravating irregularity, due both to health reasons and ‘Pinkie’ reasons. Furthermore, it wasn’t just food back there, there were tents, blankets, surveying tools, magical resonators, and… and…” She drooped. “And all our equipment for figuring out the mystery of the Sparkling Comet…”

“Aww, Twilight.” Pinkie slid up to her friend and put a gentle hoof over her back, a gesture that Twilight accepted readily. “Don’t you worry, we’re still going to do everything we came here to do! This is the start of Dashie’s adventure, we’re closer to the Candy Kingdom side of the Everfree than Equestria so I’ll get to see the candy, and you are the most accomplished wizard in the world! Who needs magic devices or other silly things like notebooks when you’ve got everything you need right here…” She pointed at Twilight’s chest. “And here!” She pointed at Twilight’s horn.

Twilight couldn’t help but smile. “...Thanks, Pinkie.”

“Any time!”

“All right…” Twilight took a breath and rose to her four hooves. First, she cast a spell that enveloped her body and removed all the mud and grime. It did nothing to fix the newly mangy nature of her coat and mane, but she could deal with that later. Turning to Rainbow, she pointed upward. “Rainbow, take a look around, see if you can find a path.”

“Aye-aye Princess!” Rainbow saluted with her wing and blasted into the air. 

Twilight glanced at the sun, frowning. It was currently early evening; only an hour of daylight remained, maybe less. “Pinkie, scour the forest floor for edible plants, we will need to establish a sizeable food sou—”

Rainbow returned, having completed her mission far faster than expected. “There’s a path out of the forest about a fourth of a kilometer that way. I can see the edge. We could easily make it on hoof.”

“Huh. Maybe things aren’t that bad after all. Pinkie, hold off on the edible plants, we might have a…”

Pinkie looked up from the blueberry bush she was raiding, having already filled half a bucket with the delectable fruits. Her lips were painted purple from samples. “Aww, I was just getting into it.”

“Celestia, you work fast,” Rainbow said.

“If you’re in the party planning business you gotta wrangle up food fast. Food is one of the most important parts!” She grabbed the bucket with her mouth and threw it into the air, expertly catching it on top of her head. “I’ll bring these along anyway. Lead the way, Dashie!”

It was surprisingly easy to get on the path. After stumbling over a few roots and loose rocks, they came to a simple dirt path running between the trees of the Everfree. It looked almost identical to their side of the Everfree, except the sun was setting toward the way out of the Everfree, not the way deeper in. It was messing with Twilight’s navigation instincts. 

Twilight and Pinkie trotted down the path while Rainbow hovered nearby. Twilight didn’t even bother chiding her on saving energy; if that pegasus wanted to fly, she was going to fly, and there was nothing she or Pinkie could do to change her mind. 

A few minutes after they’d started along the path, the sun dipped behind a cloud clinging to the horizon. It was still more than bright enough to see, but the chill of the night was upon them. 

“Are you sure we can get out before nightfall?” Twilight asked.

“Absolutely,” Rainbow said, smirking. 

“If you say so…”

Even though it was still day, technically, the sun’s current position made darkness fall upon the land faster than would have been expected. There were no stars, but the bright greens and blues of the forest became muted, and the cheerful sounds of day birds began to be replaced with those of far-off crickets that were just barely loud enough to make out. Shadows vanished, replaced with the cover of darkness usually reserved for night. 

“...This isn’t night,” Rainbow said. 

Twilight smirked. “I didn’t say anything,” 

“You were thinking it.”

“I will neither confirm nor den—” Twilight stopped short, ears perking up in alarm. 

Rainbow's ears perked up in response. “What is i—”

“Shhht!” Twilight hissed, holding up a wing. Carefully, she scanned the forest surrounding them. She knew she had heard something, but she had no idea from where. The only information she had was that it had been close. Too close. 

Her initial inspection of the surrounding forest brought up nothing dangerous. There were numerous plants she couldn’t identify, a few orange flowers that glowed softly, and a single firefly. There was nothing of note besides her and her friends. 

“Twi—” Rainbow started.

Twilight held up a hoof, scanning the scenery once again—it never hurt to double-check. Once again, she turned up nothing. 

Maybe I just imagined it. 

Relaxing slightly, she lit her horn to perform a basic magic sense scan. Such a spell rarely turned up anything of much interest, but she wanted to be thorough. 

All of her relaxation vanished in an instant. There was a store of magical energy comparable to her own right in front of her, where her eyes told her there was absolutely nothing. Something invisible.

Before Twilight could even think about doing anything, the invisible something revealed itself. Two legs, two arms, gray skin, a massive red axe, and a face with so many sharp fangs it would have made lions jealous. It screeched, sending spittle all over Twilight’s face. 

Screaming in panic, both Twilight and Rainbow turned and ran—though in the case of the pegasus, she flew away at speeds so impressive a few trees buckled from the rush of air. Once Twilight noticed Rainbow pulling ahead of her, she glanced back to check on Pinkie. 

Pinkie wasn't moving. 

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted, fear for her own life quickly being replaced with fear for Pinkie’s. She turned around, creating four divots in the path with her hooves. Her horn surged with lavender energy as her flight response became fight. Her magic surrounded her, taking every molecule in her body at once and teleporting right behind Pinkie. 

“Get back!” Twilight shouted, prepared to take on whatever unholy monstrosity of the night was threatening Pinkie, no matter how much magic was stored within it. 

Both Pinkie and the “monster” ignored her. 

“Wow, you’re a vampire?” Pinkie gasped. “That’s so cool! A friend of mine was one too! Well, uh, a vampony, and it wasn’t really the blood-sucking variety, but still!”

The vampire looked a lot less threatening now that it wasn’t screeching right in Twilight's face. It—no, she—was a bipedal creature with gray skin, pointed ears, and a guitar made out of an axe. She wore a simple gray shirt and tattered jeans that made her look more normal than a creature floating a foot off the ground should have been.

Her voice was normal too. Twilight could imagine it coming from a random mare she met on the street. 

“I don’t have to suck blood either. I eat the color red.”

“Whoa! I’m pink, can you eat me?”

“I could but I really don’t think you want me to,” she chuckled. 

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Duh, I was just curious!” She extended a hoof. “I’m Pinkie Pie, the pony behind me trying to process what has just happened is Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash will be back eventually.”

The vampire shook Pinkie’s hoof. “You’re cool, Pinkie.”

“Awww, stop it!”

“I’m Marceline, the Vampire Queen.” Marceline tossed her hair back as if this title were supposed to strike fear and awe into the hearts of the two ponies. “Welcome to the Candy Kingdom!”

“You make a great welcomer!” 

Twilight coughed. “My still-racing heart would beg to differ.”

“You should have seen the look on your face!” Marceline curled her arms around her chest and started laughing. “You knew what was coming but knew you couldn’t do anything about it! Priceless!”

“I wonder if I got it on camera…” Pinkie said, riffling through her photos. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I got it.” Marceline held up a rectangular device to Pinkie’s face. “I always have my phone ready in case of a proper pranking opportunity.”

Pinkie snickered. “Twilight, your face! It really was the best!”

Twilight tore the device out of Marceline’s hand with her magic. “This… This is an ancient ‘smartphone’ device! These… do you have any idea how valuable this is?”

Marceline swiped it back. “Uh, yeah, that’s why I don’t let just anyone hold it.”

“Oh.” Twilight flushed. “Sorry… It’s just so rare to see a functional one, and those are always locked behind museum displays.”

“I’m surprised you even know what it is. You must be quite the scholar, Twilight.”

“She is!” Pinkie agreed. “I’ve known her to lock herself in a library for days on end, never talking to anypony!”

“...Did you just say anypony?”

“Uh, yeah?”

Marceline blinked. “You know that sounds silly, right?”

“Yep!” Pinkie said, as though this explained everything. 

An awkward silence fell over the three of them. 

Marceline coughed. “Well, you girls seem cool, and I’d hate to see you get eaten by some kind of monster. A friend of mine has a cabin nearby, I’m sure she’d let some intrepid explorers like you spend the night.”

Twilight bowed. “We would be most honored, Marceline.”

“...Wow, no need to get so formal.”

With a soft chuckle, Twilight rose. “That’s what I’m always saying, but no, everything has to be so formal all the time.”

“We aren’t in Equestria anymore!” Pinkie declared. “Who needs formalities?”

“Exactly!” Marceline grinned. “Let’s turn this disastrous crash of yours into a vacation!”

“Yeah!” Twilight agreed. “Wait, how did you know…?”

“Dude, I heard the crash from, like, several miles away, That was loud.”

At this point, Rainbow Dash descended from the sky in a predatory stance. “All right you galoot, get your teeth out of my friends!” 

Pinkie, Twilight, and Marceline stared at her. 

“...Did you two already make friends with the monster?”

Marceline snorted. 

Rainbow deflated. “Once, just once, I’d like to give 'em the ol' Dash special without any warning, y’know? It’ll be so… satisfying.”

Twilight chuckled. “Rainbow, this is Marceline. A friend of hers owns a cabin where we’ll be spending the night. Which…” Looking up at the sky, she determined that the sun had sunk below the horizon. “It is now. And we’re not out of the Everfree yet.”

Marceline broke out into an undignified fit of laughter. “Oh, oh man, she’s really not letting that go!”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Let’s just get to this cabin already.”
> V - The Cabin Just Outside the Woods
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

With the proper application of magic, assistance from earth ponies, and luck, it is possible to grow pumpkins in a matter of weeks. This time can be cut down considerably if one is an expert in creating life from basically nothing, but that is a rare title. 

Factoids like this make me wonder why farms are even still a thing. There are much more efficient ways to produce food through arcane prowess. 


~~~


Pinkie sniffed the air. “I smell… butterscotch.”

The group had left the Everfree Forest about a minute prior and were now walking across some grassy hills under the glow of starlight. In the distance they could see several lights indicative of civilization, but otherwise everything was decidedly rural, if not complete wilderness. 

“Butterscotch?” Marceline blinked. “Oh, that’s just Lake Butterscotch.”

Pinkie’s jaw dropped. “A lake… made out of butterscotch!?”

“Yeah...? That’s why we call it Lake Butterscotch.”

“Can I drink it?”

Marceline chuckled. “Yes, though there’s a lot of fish that do their business in there, so…”

“Pinkie, don’t drink the entire lake,” Twilight warned. 

“I won’t! I won’t!” Pinkie assured her.

“She can’t actually do that…” Marceline turned to Twilight and Rainbow. “Can she?”

“I won’t put it past her,” Twilight said.

“I’ve seen her eat multiple cakes larger than her,” Rainbow added. “Mare’s a guzzling machine.”

A look of concern came over Marceline’s face. She turned back to Pinkie, only to find that the pink mare was nowhere to be found. “Oh no.”

“This is amazing!” Pinkie called from over a hill. 

Twilight, Rainbow, and Marceline hurried over to Pinkie’s location, finding Lake Butterscotch easily. It was a valley filled entirely with butterscotch syrup. The light of the moon provided an excellent view of the tar-like sugar as it rippled under the wind. Pinkie was currently doing the backstroke in the lake as if it were made of normal water and not a tremendously viscous substance. After every breath, she would dig her face into the lake and take a swallow of the sugary delight. 

“Pinkie!” Twilight called. “I know you’re having fun, but we really should get to that cabin!”

“Oh, all right, just one more drink.” Pinkie jumped into the air and rammed her face into the lake, sucking as hard as she could. For a moment, Twilight and the others held their breaths, wondering if she would lower the syrup level.

The mystery of if she could have drained the lake would remain, however, because she sucked a strawberry gummy fish into her mouth, clogging her butterscotch intake. Scrambling in a sudden panic, Pinkie jumped to the beach and spat the fish out onto land. “Gah! What were you doing, flopping into my face like that, you delectable strawberry delight you?”

The gummy fish kept flopping around. 

“Strawberry…” Pinkie licked her lips. Turning to Marceline with puppy-dog eyes, she pointed at the fish. “...Can I eat it?”

“Pinkie!” Rainbow gasped. “That’s a fish!”

“But it’s candy…” Pinkie countered. “And I already licked it. Like, allll over. Can I? Pleeeeeease?”

“It’s just a fish, go nuts,” Marceline said with a shrug. 

Pinkie quickly stuffed the fish in her mouth and bit its head off. “Hmm… just like the gummies Granny Pie used to make!”

“I think I’m gonna be sick…” Rainbow moaned, a hoof over her mouth. 

“...Doesn’t Fluttershy have you feed her wolves?” Twilight asked. 

“That’s… that’s different!” 

“You know somebody that keeps wolves?” Marceline grinned. “Metal.”

“Yeah, Fluttershy’s awesome, but she doesn't eat fish,” Rainbow huffed. “She just cooks it for her animals and... she looks at it kinda funny whenever I’m around… kinda like...” Slowly, Rainbow’s eyes widened. “Oh my Celestia…”

Twilight put a wing around Rainbow. “It’s all fine, Rainbow. Just part of the circle of life.”

“Yeah. Speaking of, can I eat the red out of your mane?” Marceline asked. 

“What? No!” Rainbow stumbled a few steps back. 

Marceline chuckled. “Man, you guys are so fun to mess with. I rarely get fresh meat out here.”

Rainbow paled considerably. 

“She’s speaking metaphorically, Rainbow,” Twilight explained. 

“Do you mean… meataphorically?” Pinkie said, having finished dining on her fruity prey. Marcie laughed at the terrible pun while Twilight and Rainbow let out agonized groans. 

“Maybe the color pink just makes great personalities,” Marceline mused after her laughter died down. “Speaking of, the cabin’s just across the lake.” She pointed at a small, warm light on the far shore. “Not much further.”

“I’ve got line of sight, it won’t be long at all.” With a grin, Twilight cast the teleport spell. All four of them appeared in front of the cabin with a flash of lavender light. 

“I wish I could do that,” Marceline said, wistfully. 

“Everypony does,” Rainbow confirmed.

“I’m not a pony.”

“You know what I mean.”

Twilight took a few steps forward, taking in the cabin’s appearance. It was a decently sized wooden shack that had recently gone through some renovations, given the uneven wear on the logs it was constructed from. The fence surrounding most of the property was new—so new that a gate hadn’t even been installed yet. The path led right through an opening to the front porch. Surrounding the property were several small pumpkin patches with little budding fruits, a few of which had been recently torn apart by wild animals. 

Marceline floated up to the front door and knocked on it. “Yo Bonnie! You awake!?”

The door swung open, revealing the previously named Bonnie to be a bipedal creature that was very pink in color. She wore a simple white shirt, jeans, muddy boots suitable for the most back-breaking of farm labor, and a simple green baseball cap. Twilight’s eyes were drawn to the shotgun-like weapon slung over her back while Pinkie’s were drawn to her hair done up in a ponytail but clearly made out of a dark pink substance that glistened slightly in the light of the cabin’s fireplace. 

Bonnie fixed Marceline with a tired glare. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Marceline grinned. “I’ve got some shipwrecked ponies who need a place to crash that isn’t the middle of a ravenous forest of doom. I’m sure you won’t mind.”

She let out a short sigh before quickly replacing it with a soft smile. “Yeah, I don’t have any beds though, just rolls.”

“We can sleep standing up,” Rainbow commented. “We just don’t want to get eaten by any monsters.”

Twilight nodded. “The bed rolls are appreciated anyway. Thanks for your hospitality… Bonnie, right?”

“My name’s Bonnibel, but Bonnie’s fine. I’ll have Peps set up the rolls. Marcie, are you staying too?”

“Eh, might as well,” Marceline said, stretching her arms out and twirling her axe-bass in the air. “I’ll serenade all the little ponies to sleep with my sick tunes.”

“I doubt you’ll be able to refrain from ‘jamming,’ ” Bonnibel observed. 

“Eh, maybe, maybe not.” 

Bonnibel’s smirk grew. “Well, come on in, make yourselves at home.”

As they walked into the homely cabin, Twilight spoke up. “I’m Twilight, and these are my friends Pinkie and Rainbow. We’re really thankful, Bonnie. Our ship crashed in the Everfree and… well, we weren’t sure what to do. This is a huge load off all of our chests.”

“Don’t mention it, it’s not like I mind the company. And I—” Bonnie noticed that Pinkie was standing very close to her and staring at her hair intently. “...Uh…”

“You’re made out of bubblegum…” Pinkie breathed. 

“Oh. Right. I look delectable, don’t I?” 

“Yes, but… do you ever eat yourself?”

“Pinkie!” Twilight chided.

“It’s quite alright,” Bonnie said. “Yes, Pinkie, I have tasted myself before. I believe most candy people have. It’s a taste you get bored of after a while.”

Pinkie nodded as though this information were the secret to life itself. 

“Though I can do this…” She worked her jaw for a few seconds, somehow blowing a bright pink bubble afterward. 

“That’s… kinda cool, actually,” Rainbow admitted. 

Bonnibel nodded, turning to one of the cabin doors. “Yo! Peps! Bed rolls!”

“Already on it, my lady.” A giant peppermint disc in a blue suit walked out of the door, three bedrolls under his spindly arms. 

Pinkie gasped. “You’re so cute!”

“I am Peppermint Butler,” he said, huffing as he laid the bedrolls down next to the fireplace. “I am not cute.”

“You so are,” Pinkie said, sliding up to him. 

Peppermint looked up to Bonnibel. “Should I be worried about her eating me?”

“Yes,” Marcie answered for her. “Be very terrified.”

“What? No!” Pinkie waved a hoof frantically. “I would never eat such an adorable little wafer of culture!”

“And if she tried…” Bonnibel pointed to the shotgun on her back. “Boom.”

“M-message received!” Pinkie stammered, jumping onto her bedroll like a child who knew she’d been bad. 

Rainbow yawned, landing on her roll and spinning in circles a few times before lying down. “Mmm, I’m beat.”

Marceline started strumming a calm, soothing tune on her axe-bass. Bonnibel sat down in a chair and closed her eyes to listen. 

“Guess we’re going right to sleep then…” Twilight said, stretching before setting herself down on her bedroll. “See you all in the morning.” 

“G’night,” Pinkie said. 

“G’night,” Rainbow added. 


~~~


Marceline slowly stopped playing her tune. “...Huh. They’re asleep.”

“And I was too, until you stopped playing,” Bonnibel muttered, rubbing her eyes. 

“Oh! Sorry.”

“This chair isn’t that comfortable anyway…” Bonnibel stood up and stretched. “Marcie, you have no idea who they are, do you?”

“Uh… some lost ponies who crashed in the forest? Should I know?”

“Maybe.” Bonnibel pointed at the sleeping form of Twilight. “That’s Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, Princess Celestia’s personal Protegée and one of the strongest wizards of the modern era.”

Marceline almost dropped her axe-bass. “What the glob? Seriously?”

“Shhh,” Bonnibel warned. “Yes, it’s her, I’m certain of it, the horn-wing combo doesn’t really exist in many other situations.”

Marceline glanced nervously at the pony. “Should I have found them somewhere else to stay?”

Bonnibel shook her head. “I would have let them in anyway. They are lost. Just… be careful around them. They have to be here for a reason.”

“Huh. Probably should have asked them, now that I think about it.”

“Probably.” Bonnibel yawned. “I’m going to bed. Don’t haunt them too hard.”

“Aww, fine, I won’t.”

“And leave Peps alone too.”

Marceline put her hands on her hips. “You know me too well. Maybe I’ll fly over to Finn and Jake’s, have some… recreation.”

Bonnibel waved dismissively as she went to her bed. A second later, Marceline heard a loud thump. 

“Poor girl’s exhausting herself,” Marceline said under her breath. Getting no response, she shrugged and floated out a window into the night.
> VI - Morning Science
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Science and magic are two powerful forces that continually find themselves at odds. Not because either one denies the other—only a foolish scientist would deny the existence of the driving force behind so many of the world’s developments. Similarly, only an idiotic wizard would ignore the laws of thermodynamics and burn their hands off with a haphazardly constructed fireball spell. 

The battle between science and magic is slightly more subtle than that. Science is concerned with what can be observed, replicated, and tested. Magic is concerned with the emotional center of an individual’s imagination, a realm notoriously difficult to rigorously test. More often than not the two disciplines end up talking past each other since their fundamentals are orthogonal—not, as many believe, hostile to each other. 

This isn’t to say there aren’t wizarding scientists, or scientific wizards. They do exist and tend to become figures of legend. There are two distinct types: those who are fully aware of the precarious near-contradiction they live in, and those who haven’t the foggiest idea.


~~~


Twilight woke up slightly cold, but otherwise well-rested. Gradually, she opened her eyes, not all that surprised to see that Rainbow Dash had rolled off her bedroll and slept on the floor next to the now-extinguished fireplace. At the edge of her vision, Pinkie was still sound asleep, snoring intensely, though not loud enough to wake people up. 

It wasn’t dark, so the sun must have been up, and that was as good of an excuse as any for Twilight to wake up the rest of the way. Cautiously, she rose to her hooves, careful not to make noises that would interrupt her friends’ peaceful slumber. As she stretched, she looked around the cabin. Not much had changed throughout the night, though Twilight realized the cabin was larger than she’d previously thought with multiple attached rooms and… was that a staircase to a basement? Probably where Bonnibel stored seeds and farming supplies. 

Marceline was nowhere to be seen, but Twilight saw Bonnibel out the main window, tending to the pumpkin patch, shotgun still slung over her back. The weapon made Twilight uneasy—ponies in Equestria didn’t use such things to keep their crops safe from monsters. Harming another creature was usually seen as a last resort, and even then many wouldn’t take it. Twilight knew full well that sometimes drastic action was required, but this did little to quell her unease. 

That said, she did walk out of the front door to greet Bonnibel. 

“Good morning!” Twilight called, careful not to step on any of the plants.

Bonnibel gave her a warm smile. “Morning. Sleep well?”

“Yes, actually, even I’m surprised.”

“Glad to hear it. Peps always knows how to make everyone comfortable. ...When he’s trying.” 

Twilight decided not to dig into that. “So… pumpkin farming.”

“Yes. It’s a surprisingly rewarding line of work.” Bonnibel reached down and carefully examined one of the growing fruits for damage. “Food may be easy to come by in the Candy Kingdom, but healthy food is somewhat rare. There are more than just candy people within the borders, and they need a balanced diet. My pumpkin ‘kingdom’ will serve their needs.”

“Making food for people that aren’t even like you? That’s very noble of you.”

“Thanks.” Bonnibel stood to her full height. “We’re all part of the Candy Kingdom, though, and I’ll do whatever I can for them. Including putting up with varmints.”

“Varmints?”

“Dumb critters that turn my loyal fruits to squished mush. Marceline and I went out to take out their mother yesterday, but that didn’t completely solve the problem. It just means they won’t be breeding.” 

“Maybe you could find some use for them?” Twilight suggested.

Bonnibel chuckled. “Just like a pony princess to consider that, huh?”

“Yeah. They probably are pests but I can’t help but wonder if there are other ways. Habit, at this point. It’s r—wait.” Twilight cocked her head. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned I’m a Princess yet.”

With a finger, Bonnibel gestured at Twilight’s wings and horn.

“Oh.” Twilight flapped her wings a few times. “I guess I’m not exactly hard to identify. I’m just so used to ponies not recognizing me as a Princess I guess I sort of forgot about it.”

“Most people here won’t know either,” Bonnibel said, turning back to her pumpkins. “I just happen to know a thing or two about the other nations of the world. Marceline had no idea who you were either.”

“That might explain why she tried to scare us out of our horseshoes in the forest…”

“No, she would have done that even if she knew. It’s who she is.”

Twilight giggled. “Part of me wishes there were ponies like her back home. Princess Luna’s the closest, and she’s still coming to terms with being ‘the scary one.’ ”

“How many Princesses are there these days? Four?”

Twilight nodded. “Yep! I’m the youngest. Then there’s Cadence, Luna, and Celestia. In theory, we all share the throne equally, but Luna and Celestia have temporary seniority built into the system.”

Bonnibel looked east, toward the Everfree forest. “...You’re a long way from them.”

“Yeah… and several of my friends, too. But I have Pinkie and Rainbow with me, and now you and Marceline!” 

Bonnibel’s smile faltered slightly. “Why… are you here, anyway?”

“A few weeks ago I observed an atmospheric phenomenon that turned the whole world purple for several hours and determined that its epicenter was somewhere on this side of the Candy Kingdom. I was supposed to take a rigorous survey of the surrounding land and magic levels to see if I could learn anything about the event, but…” She drooped. “All my measuring devices were destroyed in the crash. I’m not going to be able to learn anything about the Sparkling Comet.” 

Bonnibel set down the pumpkin she was holding and stared at Twilight. 

“W-what?”

“You were going to perform a… scientific survey?”

Twilight gulped, though she wasn’t sure why she was nervous. “Yes…?”

With a coy smile Twilight hadn’t seen on her face before, Bonnibel gestured for Twilight to follow her inside. After a second’s hesitation, Twilight did as she was asked. They quietly snuck past the sleeping ponies to the stairs, after which they descended into the basement. 

It was dark, damp, and cold down there. Twilight couldn’t see anything, so she prepared a light spell. It turned out to be unnecessary, because Bonnibel turned on the light with the flick of a switch. 

What greeted Twilight’s eyes made her squee. 

A smooth, clean room filled with cabinets, countertops, and hundreds of little beakers. Several of them held chemicals or bizarre concoctions that just screamed chemistry. But there was so much more to see as well: a plasma ball twirling with green electricity, piles upon piles of notebooks adorned with hastily scrawled messages, numerous pots with experimental pumpkin breeds, star charts along one of the walls, a highly detailed map of Ooo, a few large devices made of metal that Twilight couldn’t ascertain the purpose of, a handful of screens, and a hologram projector.

Instead of running to the flashiest things to the room, Twilight teleported right to the star chart. She traced her hoof over the planets. “Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Ceres—hey you have Ceres!—Mars, Earth, and Venus.” Twilight gasped. “Oh. My. Stars.” She pointed at a ring just around the sun. “You have an accurately eccentric orbit for Lost Mercury! That’s… that’s amazing, I almost never see that!”

Bonnibel was grinning as well, now. “I know, right? Every astronomy book I ever see, if it mentions Lost Mercury at all, has it in a boring circular orbit! It’s aggravating.”

“You have no idea, I had to march into the Canterlot Royal Society and lecture them on their faulty cosmic mechanism. You think they would’ve hired some experts in the field to consult but noooooo.”

“They had to go with the artists, right?”

“Right!” Twilight tapped her hooves excitedly on the ground. “Oh, this is amazing! I… No offense, but I didn’t expect this when I walked in.”

“I’m just a humble farmer,” Bonnibel said with an exaggerated bow. “Nothing to see here.”

“And I’m just a froo-froo Princess with no need for ‘higher education,’ ” Twilight mimicked. “Let’s just forget that I’ve got stars on my flank for a moment!” She gestured at the starburst mark she had on her flank.

“Does that represent a talent in astronomy?” Bonnibel asked. 

“Er, well, no, I just happen to like astronomy and the sciences. It’s actually a mark in magic itself. If you looked at Rainbow’s cutie mark, you’d think it might have something to do with weather or clouds, but it actually has to do with her speed...” She noticed Bonnibel’s look. “What is wrong with the term 'cutie mark?' It’s like every non-pony I meet…”

“It sounds… silly.” Bonnibel broke into a grin. “But sometimes we all need a little silliness.”

“Pinkie Pie would tackle hug you for that if she could hear you.”

“I will be cautious not to mention it in her presence.”

“Might not help. She has a way of… knowing.”

“Is she a wizard too?”

Twilight frowned. “I… hmm. I don’t… think so?”

Bonnibel stared at her with concern. 

“No.”

“No what?” Bonnibel asked.

“No, we do not run experiments on her. Any attempts to understand her result in massive failure, even more so than usual arcane sciences.” Twilight shivered, remembering a very painful day involving things falling from the sky and a random hydra. “Never again.”

“Forgive me if I don’t heed your warning.”

“Your funeral.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of them, followed quickly thereafter by giggling. 

“You’re not at all what I expected either, Princess!” Bonnibel said, coming out of the laugh. “When I heard about you and your connection to magic itself, I figured you would need a lot more madness and sadness than anyone I ever knew, but you don’t seem to have either. How do you do it?”

“Well… let’s start by saying that I’m not sane, I hang around Pinkie regularly by choice. Sane ponies don’t do that.”

Bonnibel chewed on this for a moment. “...I’ll grant you that.”

“And as for the sadness…” Twilight smile faltered for a moment. “When… when I was still a student at Canterlot’s Royal College, I certainly was. Madness and sadness are the 'most effective' ways to increase magical aptitude, after all, so I didn’t really see any need to go make friends or enjoy myself. I convinced myself there was enough to keep me going just in the art of studying itself. I… Well, I became a master mage. But I had no friends and all that meant anything to me was studying.”

“But…?”

“But then I met them. And we discovered something… amazing. Sadness, or tragedy, is not the only emotional center that can channel magic.”

“It isn’t?” Bonnibel asked, grabbing a notebook absent-mindedly. 

Twilight grinned, sensing she knew something Bonnibel didn’t. “No. We discovered the magic of friendship. Of harmony. When we first met, the six of us were able to tap into that power so rarely used in the world. And none of our lives have been the same since.” 

The pen Bonnibel was furiously dragging across the paper stopped. Carefully, she picked up what Twilight identified as a thaumometer and pointed it at the Princess. “Could you… demonstrate?”

“Sure! But the really powerful magic requires all six of us. However, if I just think of them, I can…” Twilight’s horn encased itself in a threefold glowing aura and her eyes lit up like the stars themselves. A few alarms went off in the corners of Bonnibel’s lab, but neither of them paid the noises any mind. Bonnibel scribbled furiously while Twilight executed a complex spell, tapping into her connection with her friends…


~~~


...miles away, a yellow pegasus tending to some rabbits in a pasture blinked. “Twilight, what are you doing?”


~~~


“Just giving off a magic demonstration, Fluttershy. We’re doing fine! We miss you!” Twilight released her magic aura in an instant, dropping to the ground. She was sweating profusely and looked profoundly haggard. “Th-there you go! Harmony magic.”

Bonnibel’s jaw was hanging open. “I… you talked with someone all the way back in Equestria? Without a phone line?”

“Yep!” Twilight smiled proudly, bowing. “So… yeah! I’ve never had to rely on the ‘sadness’ for magic since that day.”

“This… this is groundbreaking!” Bonnibel threw her hands into the air, dropping the notebook on the ground. “Large scale magic use has always been unfeasible since complex spells have always, by nature, been parasitic. If this knowledge could be spread to the world, we could… we could… I don’t even know but I know it would be amazing!”

“I… hadn’t thought about it that way before, but I like what you’re saying!”

Bonnibel put her hands on Twilight’s shoulders. “Twilight, thank you. I have no idea what I’m going to do with this information but… thank you!”

“It’s the least I can do.”

With a frantic motion, Bonnibel ran to her holographic projector. “I haven’t got anything anywhere near as groundbreaking for you, but… I think you’ll like it anyway.” She pressed a button, setting the projector to display an object Twilight recognized immediately. 

“The Sparkling Comet…”

“It’s actually called a Catalyst Comet,” Bonnibel corrected. “I know what it is, why it’s here, and probably how to answer most of your questions about it.”

Twilight squealed. “Best. Day. EVER! I want all the details!” 

Bonnibel grabbed one of her notebooks, jumping up and down. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to share this with someone who doesn’t need it dumbed down! How familiar are you with calculus-based orbital mechanics?”

“I wrote my thesis on it!”

“Oh my glob I love you so much right now.”

Twilight tore the notebook out of Bonnibel’s hands and began flipping through it frantically. “This… this is…”

There was a loud crash from above them, followed by a couple male voices shouting. “It’s adventure time!” 

Twilight twitched, carefully folding up the notebook and laying it on the counter. 

“We don’t… have to deal with that,” Bonnibel suggested. 

“No… we could stay here.”

“Definitely. They can handle themselves.”

“Obviously.”

“Peps knows a lot of dark magic hexes in case things go wrong.”

“And Pinkie can dance around insanity with insanity that defeats all others.”

“So… science?”

“Science.”

The two stood in silence for a moment. 

In unison, both of them let out exasperated sighs and ran up the stairs to deal with whatever had the gall to ruin their science time.
> VII - Adventure Time!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The race of talking dogs is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. We know dogs existed long before the Mushroom War, but they were simple animals without the capacity to vocalize or have higher thoughts. It would be a simple matter of saying they developed afterward like almost every other form of conscious life if it weren’t for a single problem: the Crystal Dimension. A realm occupied by the clearly native rainicorns and an extensive number of talking dogs. Are the dogs native? What is their relation to the animal dogs of old? Can the ancient histories of the Crystal Dimension be trusted?

Nobody knows and, frankly, it might be impossible to find out at this point. They’re just dogs, who really cares in the end?

No, dogs are not naturally stretchy shapeshifters. I would hope that this is obvious.


~~~


Finn and Jake’s treehouse was exactly that: a house built into a tree. It was a pretty massive tree with numerous rooms carved into it. A bedroom, basement, kitchen, living room, and even a few useless rooms separated from all the others by little rope bridges that served no real purpose beyond looking cool. There was a small boat on the roof as well, for some incomprehensible reason. 

The sun drifted in through one of the windows, falling on Finn’s face. With a yawn, he sat up and scratched the back of his head through the fabric of his hat. Some people called him strange for sleeping in his hat, but he paid them no mind. Never would anyone take his bear hat away. And if they did… he’d probably just get one of the copies out of the closet and wear that instead. 

Lazily, he looked around the bedroom. He had kicked off all of the blankets in the night, again. Jake was sleeping in his strange little cupboard-bed. Why he didn’t sleep in an actual bed or even a dog bed was beyond Finn’s knowledge, and the few times he’d asked Jake why he slept that way the dog had only shrugged and said he didn’t really know either. It just “felt nice.” 

Unable to stifle another yawn, Finn closed his eyes and entered a long, drawn-out stretch of his arms and legs. The tiredness temporarily banished from his body, he opened his eyes ready to meet the day. 

He was not prepared to meet Marceline looming over him like a desperate vulture. 

“AAAAIIIEEEEEEE!” Finn screamed, hitting a pitch so high it was reasonable to assume it had come from a girl. 

“Man, I love that scream of yours,” Marceline chuckled. She was wearing her usual “day” outfit: long sleeves, smooth pants, boots, long gloves, and a sun hat with a translucent veil over it. “Never gets old.”

“Marceline…” Jake groaned. “How many times do I gotta tell you, don’t make Finn scream while I’m sleeping.” He flopped over in his cupboard-bed, groaning. “I’m never gonna get back to sleep with that ringing in my ears.”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything.” Marceline raised her hands in surrender. “I just sat here, waiting for him to wake up.”

“You knew what he’d do the moment he saw you,” Jake grumbled, flopping out of his bed like a syrupy liquid. 

Finn managed to calm his breathing down. “Yeah. Think about Jake, Marceline!”

“Okay, fine, I’ll just be sure to put earplugs in him next time and then loom ominously. Will that work, hero-boy?”

“Uh…” Finn tried to think of a way to get her to stop terrifying him and quickly came to the conclusion that was impossible. “Not really?”

Jake stood up, grumbling. “Well, I’m gonna make breakfast. Bacon pancakes. Marceline, you get regular pancakes.”

Marceline took out a strawberry and placed it on one of her fangs. The red color drained from the fruit, leaving only a monochromatic berry behind. She popped the drained berry into her mouth immediately afterward. “Eh, I already ate. No need.”

“Suit yourself,” Jake said, moving toward the stairs. 

“Oh, before you get on that…” Marceline floated over to stop him from descending. “There’s some guests staying at Bonnie’s house. And at least one of them is interested in… an adventure.”

Finn was suddenly on his feet. “Did you say adventure!?”

Marceline winked. “You betcha. None of them are even from the Candy Kingdom, I bet you could show them some wicked things.”

“Put the bacon pancakes on hold, Jake!” Finn declared. “We’re going to Peebles’ place!” 

“...I’m still packing bacon bits,” Jake said. 

“Well, duh, what kind of adventuring outing would it be without bacon bits?”

“A normal one?” Marceline asked. 

Finn and Jake stared at her like she was from another dimension. The vampire rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If we’re quick we can get there before they wake up.”


~~~


Finn, Jake, and Marceline arrived at Bonnie’s front door. Finn reached out to knock, but Jake held his hand back. 

“What if we… made an entrance?” Jake suggested. 

Finn gasped. “Yes.”

“They won’t know what hit them!”

“On three.”

Marceline facepalmed. “Oh boy…”

“One…” Fin said. 

“Two…” Jake continued. 

“Three!” In unison, they kicked the door in. “It’s adventure time!” 

Rainbow, who had been asleep until the moment they smashed the door in, was suddenly at full attention. “We’re under attack!”

Finn lowered his sword. “Wait, n—”

Rainbow tackled Finn to the ground, a hoof on each of his legs and arms. Finn, to his credit, had enough strength to force one of his arms out from under Rainbow and grab her by the knee. Twisting, he made her knee buckle. She didn’t topple over like he wanted, but it was enough of an upset that he could pry himself out from under her other hooves. Stumbling, he attempted to right himself, but Rainbow swept out with her wings, tripping him. He entered into a roll to protect his face, but his lower position made it easy for Rainbow to grab hold again, this time with her wings. He kicked, spiking her right in the gut. The force separated the two of them, skidding across the floor of the cabin. 

Both were up in less than a second, but by that time Pinkie was up and shouting “STOP!” while waving a blue stop sign in between both of them. “We’re all friends here!”

“Aww…” Marceline deflated. “That was just getting good, Pinkie!”

“They can keep sparring later,” Pinkie huffed. “When they aren’t trying to hurt each other!”

At this point Bonnie and Twilight ran up the stairs, giving everyone in the room annoyed glares. 

“Uh…” Marceline did her best to look innocent. “Sup, Bonnie?”

“I was hoping that science was…” Bonnie muttered. “Twilight and I have just discovered a mutual appreciation for the natural world.” 

Twilight nodded. “We were in the middle of some excellent discussion on cosmic phenomena when…”

“Oh no,” Marceline said, staring at Twilight with a haunted expression. “You’re a nerd. You’re only going to make her worse.”

“I… what?”

“Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on either,” Jake said, raiding a random pantry and eating a bagel whole. “All I know is that this looks like some sweet party just waiting to happen.”

“Party!?” Pinkie lit up. “I can do a party! I’d just need to order some cake and streamers and…”

Bonnie put her hand to the bridge of her nose. “Everyone, let’s just calm down. Finn, why did you bust my door down?”

Finn glanced nervously at the half-busted door lying on the floor. “Uh… I was making an entrance!”

“...Why?”

“Well, uh, Marceline said—”

“I had nothing to do with the door!” Marceline interrupted, waving her hands in an attempt to secure her innocence. 

“—that there were some peeps here that might want an adventure,” Finn completed.

“Adventure?” Rainbow’s ears perked up. “What kind of adventure?”

“Uh… the usual? Exploring, monster-smashing, dungeon-crawling, treasure-hunting?”

Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Yes. Yes. I’ve been waiting for this!”

Finn put a hand to his chin. “I don’t know… think you can handle it, pony?”

With a smirk, Rainbow tapped his chest. “Bucko, I could pin you again, and this time you wouldn't be able to get out. I was born ready.”

“She really could, Finn,” Jake said, dipping his hand into some peanut butter he’d found. “The horse-bird’s got the muscles and the skills.”

“Jake, stop eating everything in my pantry,” Bonnie deadpanned. 

“I’m not eating everything!” Jake objected. “Just… most of it. ...I wanted bacon pancakes this morning, okay?” 

Twilight raised a hoof. “I’m confused. What’s going on?”

Marceline shrugged.

Pinkie coughed. “Ahem! I think we all need to get introduced before we go any further! Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, and this is Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash! You two are…?”

“Finn and Jake, heroes of the Candy Kingdom!” Finn declared, holding his sword high in the air. It scraped the ceiling. “Uh… heheh… oops?”

Rainbow tried, and failed to suppress a squee. “You guys… are, like, adventurers? All the time?”

“Well, not all the time,” Jake said. “I spend time with my pups a lot.”

“Are you kidding? We go out and have something fun like… every day!” Finn jumped up and down. “And then we kick evil’s butt!”

“Take me with you,” Rainbow breathed. 

Twilight gave Bonnie a quizzical look. “Are they trustworthy?”

“They have good hearts,” Bonnie explained. “As to if they can be trusted… they won’t hurt her intentionally.”

“Twilight, let me have this,” Rainbow begged. “You can do… what I can only guess is ‘egghead stuff’ while Pinks and I go out with these guys and have some real fun.”

“I like your spirit!” Jake said, munching on a pickle.

“Jake!” Bonnibel chided. “I’m serious!”

“What? Oh.” He glanced at the pickle with bafflement. “Where did you come from?”

Rainbow trotted up to Twilight. “C’mon Twi? Please?”

Twilight melted. “...Oh, all right, it will give me and Bonnie more time to do, ahem, ‘egghead stuff.’ ”

“But what about going to the Candy Kingdom itself?” Pinkie asked. “There’s entire cities of candy to look at!”

“Well… I’m not sure we need to anymore.” Twilight scratched her chin. “Bonnie here has most if not all the information I need, and… oh, right, ponyfeathers, I’m visiting royalty, I have to pay the princess a visit.”

“Ugh.” Marceline floated to the ceiling. “That guy’s a pain…”

“...Guy?” Rainbow cocked her head. “A princess?”

“The King of Ooo hasn’t realized he can change the title to Prince yet,” Jake said. “Guy’s only been in charge, what, a month? Not really the smartest tool in the shed if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Twilight sighed. “If there’s been a change of leadership that makes it even more important that I go visit to establish diplomatic ties. I’m… I’m sorry Bonnie, I—”

“That’s it!” Pinkie declared, stamping a hoof. “I can’t stand to see you so disappointed, Twilight. I will go to the Candy Kingdom as Ambassador Pinkie Pie and meet with ‘Princess-but-a-guy Koo’ in your stead!” She saluted. 

Rainbow blinked. “Pinks, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“What? I’ve got ambassadorial experience! I stopped the yak war!”

“You almost caused the yak war too.”

“Po-tay-to po-tah-to.”

Twilight frowned. “Pinkie…” She glanced to Bonnibel, to Finn, and then to Pinkie, the last of which was bouncing up and down excitedly. “...Okay.”

“YES!”

“There are conditions!” Twilight snapped. “You have to promise not to eat the people.”

“Easy.”

“And promise not to eat anything else unless you’re told you can.”

“Gotcha.”

“And actually hold yourself like an actual ambassador. You’re really good at making friends, I know, but you’re going to be talking to the leader of an entirely different kingdom. Use what you learned from the yaks to work with them.”

Pinkie saluted. “You can count on me. If they’re a bunch of party-poopers I will be—” she shuddered “—serious.”

“I’m putting a lot of trust in you, Pinkie. Are you absolutely, positively, 100% Pinkie-promise sure you can do this?”

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” At the word eye, Pinkie touched her eyeball with her hoof, making the non-ponies in the room shiver with discomfort. 

Twilight’s worry vanished in an instant. “Great! That’s that, then. Bonnie and I will stay here, Pinkie will go to the Candy Capital, and Rainbow will go with Finn and Jake for… adventure. Marceline…” Twilight cocked her head. 

“I’ll do my own thing.” Marceline strummed an ominous chord on her bass. 

“Sure.”

“When do we leave?” Rainbow asked.

“Right globbing now!” Finn shouted. “To adventure!”

Finn led the charge, followed by Jake, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Marceline, all leaving through the front doorway. The mish-mash of laughs, shouts, and excited chattering died down as they got further from the cabin. 

Bonnibel looked down at the busted door. She sighed. “Peps? Can you deal with the door?”

“Yes, my lady…” Peppermint said, walking into the room now that it was no longer a half-insane madhouse. 

“Oh, no need, I’ve got this.” Twilight levitated the door off the ground and used a simple mend spell to affix it back to the doorframe. “There we go! Good as new!”

Peppermint tapped it and it fell outward. “The hinges aren’t standard issue, ma’am.”

“...Okay, fine, Peps, you can deal with it…”
> VIII - Maw of Candy Corn
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sheer variety of creatures in the land of Ooo is staggering. While in the current era nobody sees the variety because they’re soaking in it every hour of every day, those of us in the know of the way things used to be are continually astonished by what random thing has crawled out of the muck of destruction, gained sentience, and created a small kingdom seemingly overnight. 

There are unicorns, berry people, sentient grasses, clouds that yell at the squishy meatbags below, and any number of creatures that, under strict biological rules, have no business being able to breathe, much less talk. In the old days, I could count the number of races on Earth with one hand. Now there are so many hundreds of endless variations that it’s impossible to keep track of what's the same species and what isn’t. Many are unique entities and some don’t even reproduce in any sensical manner! 

Why all this chaos? Simple, really. One of the fundamental properties of magic itself is consciousness. Get enough of it in one place and it will endow anything it can with the ability to think for itself. If it sets its random sights on a rock, it’ll give the rock eyes, a mouth, and probably some legs just to complete the package. 

You’ve never known true betrayal until your chair spontaneously achieves self-awareness and bites you. 


~~~


Finn, with his arms wrapped around his backpack and his sword slung over his shoulder, marched onwards through the forests of the Candy Kingdom. This particular area was south of the capital, where the cotton-candy trees mixed with more traditional flora, and the chocolate dirt was interspersed with regular worm-filled soil. To the inexperienced, it may have looked and smelled as if everything was a delectable treat waiting to be devoured, but Finn knew better. 

Jake knew better as well, but was known to throw things in his mouth anyway. Finn liked to think this was out of dog instinct and not out of poor impulse control.

Rainbow Dash did not know better. 

“Wow, does everything here smell this good?” Rainbow asked, flying up to a cotton candy tree and munching on some of the sugary strands. 

“Pretty much,” Jake said, stifling a laugh. “Even the ground is candy!”

“I can see why Pinkie wanted to come here.” Rainbow flitted to another tree, avoiding the ground entirely. 

Jake twitched involuntarily. “You know, we have a saying here.”

“Oh yeah? What?”

“You’ve never really experienced the Candy Kingdom until you’ve eaten the d—”

Rainbow interrupted him with a gasp. “What’s that?” Not waiting for an answer, she bolted ahead. The wind whipped into Finn and Jake, slowing their progress. 

“Cheese louise, that girl’s got a pair of wings,” Jake breathed. 

Finn smirked. “And it doesn’t look like she’s going to fall for your tricks.”

“I’ll get her to eat the dirt, just watch me!”

Finn rolled his eyes. He entered a jog to catch up to Rainbow, who he found jumping on top of a large metallic cylinder coated in candy-floss-moss. 

“What’s this?” Rainbow asked.

“Dungeon, probably,” Finn said, tracing the cylinder with a finger. 

“Dungeon?”

“One of the best places for spontaneous adventure. All you’ve got to do is find the entrance…” Carefully he, examined every section of the cylinder. His finger would miss nothing—no crack, no depression, no unusually shaped patch of candy-floss-moss. However, he was a master of finding the secret dungeon entrance, and nothing would stop him. 

Having completed his inspection, there was clearly only one solution. 

He drew his sword. “FINN SWORD ATTACK!” He smacked the cylinder as hard as he could, hoping to force an entrance out of it. Instead, all he got was a loud noise and a rebound that shook him right to his spine. Stumbling backward, he barely managed not to fall over. 

Rainbow snorted. “Heh. I guess you don’t make that good of a weapon.”

“Don’t diss the Finn sword, it’s awesome,” Finn huffed.

“...Wait, did you really name your sword after yourself? Why?”

“Because it is me. Formed from a paradox at the edge of time…” He held the last word as long as he could while waving his hands around for maximum effect.

Rainbow thought he was full of it. She jumped down from the cylinder and directed her hind hooves at the spot Finn had smacked. “Watch and learn, Finn.” Her entire body surged like a well-oiled machine, transferring the energy she pushed into the ground with her front hooves to the back, wings providing stability and a further increase of power. The strength of the buck could knock many trees over. 

The cylinder was undamaged. Rainbow’s hooves, on the other hand, were not. After letting out an agonized hiss of pain she flapped into the air so she could examine her hind legs. 

“You okay?” Finn asked.

“Cracked a hoof,” Rainbow muttered, examining the small crack running from the edge of her back hoof toward the center. “Good thing I don’t need to stand on that…” 

“You know what has healing properties?” Jake asked, arriving on the scene at long last. “The d—”

Finn pushed a hand over Jake’s face. Now is not the time for that. “We could go back, I’m sure Peebles has something for that.”

“...I’m fine. Do you see these bad boys?” She flicked her muzzle at her wings. “They can do all the lifting. Assuming there’s anything to lift. This metal bozo isn’t budging.”

“Allow me…” Jake lifted one of his hands into the air, growing it to three times the size of his body. Swinging wide, he slapped the cylinder with so much force that it not only dented but separated from the ground and tipped over, revealing a hole leading into the earth. 

“I loosened it for you,” Finn and Rainbow said at the same time. 

“Ah, look at that!” Jake said, taking a scoop from the uncovered earth and shoving it in his mouth. “Fresh snack!”

Rainbow ignored him, diving right into the hole. 

Jake spat out the disgusting dirt. “Man…”

“Dude, at this rate you’re going to eat more dirt than she will.”

“Eh, I’m used to the taste.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Going down?”

Jake jumped over the hole, shifting his body into a chair shape, latching onto the edges with his hands and feet. Finn jumped on and mimed the action of pressing an elevator button. “Going down! Next stop: whatever floor’s below this one!”

Stretching his legs out like bungee cords, Jake descended into the hole. Finn took out a torch and lit it as they descended, ready to plunder any loot the dungeon might have. 

“Hey, hate to break it to you Finn, but there’s light down there.”

“Oh.” With a sigh, Finn put out the torch. “I never get to have fun with torches…”

When they reached the bottom, they found Rainbow flying around a large open space, jaw hanging open. Finn could understand why; the chamber was absolutely stunning. While the ceiling and floor were made of simple dirt, the walls were composed of some mysterious white material that was eerily smooth. The few cracks and holes that did puncture the walls were harsh and dark, almost unnaturally so. 

However, it wasn’t the strange material that caught their attention. It was what was carved on it. Dozens of beings, mostly bipedal but clearly not human, filled the surfaces with complex poses reminiscent of a dance. Most of them had a geometric shape somewhere on their bodies that glowed with a singular color of light, together illuminating the entire cavern. A halo surrounded one of the smallest figures in the masterpiece: a pudgy, round creature with a pink diamond in its abdomen. 

Rainbow ran her hoof across the glowing shapes. “Whoa... this looks like one of the Ancient Magi structures! Daring Do talked about these!”

Jake scratched his jowls. “Wait… aren’t Daring Do books novels?”

“Well, uh… yeah, but they’re based on real archeology!” Rainbow crossed her front hooves. “And how do you know about Daring Do books? They’re an Equestrian publication.”

Jake shrugged. “We get all sorts of weird stuff. You should see our treasure horde!”

“Jake!” Finn hissed. “You can’t just let random girls see our treasure horde!”

“Why not? Ice King saw it.”

“We didn’t want that to happ—”

Slowly, they looked up, seeing Rainbow Dash hovering right over them. 

“You know you guys have to show me now, right?” Rainbow asked. 

Finn opened his mouth to object—not that he had an objection in mind, he just hoped his mouth would come up with something as he started talking—when a loud roar met their ears. From one of the holes in the wall, three creatures emerged. At first glance, they appeared to be normal, if large, pieces of candy corn, but anyone who took more than a cursory glance at the creatures could make out toothy maws that ran most of the length of their body, three pairs of legs, and five eyes that blinked in an unsettling manner. 

Finn readied his sword, Jake readied his fists, and Rainbow readied her front hooves. They knew what to do. 

Jake tripped one of the corn creatures with his legs. It tried to bite down on him, but he shifted his leg out of the way with ease. He wrapped an arm around the beast’s jaw like a rope, fusing its mouth shut. 

Finn brought his sword down on one of the creatures, finding it to have the exact same consistency as candy corn. It’d be good for eating, but not hacking and slashing, seeing as his sword got stuck in the sugary “flesh.” Hissing, the creature jumped Finn, but he kicked it in the stomach, tossing it to the side. 

Rainbow had to guard her back legs, but she was more than fast enough to deal with her creature. She waited for it to jump at her before swirling in a loop and catching it in her hooves. She tossed it into the ground like a bowling ball, rolling it back toward the hole it had come from. “Hah! No worse than a dog! How’re you guys doing?”

Jake had completely trapped his target in a tangle of stretchy limbs and was smacking it around haphazardly. Finn punted his corn creature into one of the walls, knocking the Finn sword free and flattening the creature somewhat. 

Rainbow heard it let out a whimper. 

“Uh… guys?”

Jake smacked his into the ceiling. Finn tore his off the wall and headbutted its stomach.

“Guys!” Rainbow shouted. “That’s enough! They’re done fighting!”

Finn glanced at her. “Huh…?”

The corn beast he’d been beating up rose to its legs and scrambled through the hole it had come as fast as it could, whimpering the whole way. 

“Oh. Neat!” Finn smiled brightly. “I was getting a little tired there!”

Jake threw his corn beast through the hole like a baseball. The two crashed into each other and rolled into the darkness, whimpering the whole time. 

“Strike!” Jake declared. “Woo!” He and Finn high-fived. 

Rainbow gawked at them in disbelief. “You… what the hay, guys?”

Jake picked up on her distress first. “You okay there, Rainbow?”

“I’m fine, it’s you two who aren’t okay! Went a little far, don’t you think?”

“Huh?” Finn scratched the back of his head. “Pretty sure we were doing what we normally do…”

“Oh for the love of Celestia… you don’t just keep beating up things! That’s just cruel! If they’re done, they’re done, let them go! Don’t… kick them while they’re down!”

Finn and Jake stared at her like she was speaking a foreign language. 

“You can’t be serious,” Rainbow groaned. 

“...Am I not supposed to punch evil witches for fun, or something?” Finn asked Jake. 

Jake shrugged. “I dunno. I think she’s just having a little complex.”

“I am not having a complex!” Rainbow shouted.

“That’s something someone having a complex would say.”

“Would you stop with th—”

There was a much louder, much deeper roar from behind Rainbow. She whipped around and gulped. Emerging from the hole was a truly massive candy corn creature with untold numbers of limbs, multiple mouths of jagged teeth, and so many eyes Rainbow knew she was being watched from every direction, even places where the creature wasn’t. 

“Hey, I think they called for their mother,” Jake observed. 

The mother opened the largest of her maws, revealing every single tooth within to be one of the smaller candy corn creatures fused with their parent’s jawline. Flecks of sugary spit flew out, landing on the three heroes’ faces. 

All of them screamed in unison, though Finn’s was by far the highest-pitched.
> IX - Ambassador Pie
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Candy people are terribly designed. 

The vast majority are of substandard intelligence, have awkward body shapes, and are generally unskilled at everything they attempt to do. They are not unique in this regard. Sometimes I think all the races are chronically stupid and useless. 

But the candy people are also delicious. Their very being is asking predators to jump them and devour every last piece of their sugary flesh. They don’t even attempt to hide themselves, the bright colors serving as a massive bullseye!


~~~


The sun was high in the sky, the birds were chattering amongst themselves, and Pinkie Pie was humming an upbeat tune to herself. “Hmm-hm-hm-hmmm hmm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm~!” As she moved, there was no such thing as a step. She bounced everywhere, like a living pogo stick, a huge smile on her face. 

Currently, she was bouncing through a small candy town on the way to the capital. As promised, every building in the town was made out of a confectionary of some sort—be it gingerbread, graham crackers, candy cane logs, or fruitcake. It was a colorful sight, to say the least, and Pinkie found it easy to convince herself that happy candy people had lived here. 

Clearly, none did now. Every structure was marred with bite marks, scratches, and holes. All of these marks were relatively new, telling of a recent attack of some kind. An attack of hungry wolves, foxes, and mice. 

Pinkie tried not to think about how horrifying it would be to be driven out of her home by a bunch of ravenous animals, but even she couldn’t keep her positivity up forever. The longer she stayed in the town, the smaller her smile and bounces became. Eventually, she could only maintain a nervous upward tilt of her mouth and a slight skip to her step. 

The wind blew through the buildings, scattering flakes of coconut between her legs. 

Pinkie stopped moving, looking at a chocolate statue of an ice cream sandwich with arms, legs, and a face. It held a hand up high in a friendly wave. It was an impressive feat of candy engineering, seeing as the chocolate wasn’t melting under the gaze of the sun, but even this beautiful artwork had not been spared the massacre. One of the arms was missing, a hole had bored in the chest, and one of the legs was about to give out. 

This simply wouldn’t do, Pinkie decided. She tore a chunk of solid butterscotch off a nearby ruin and licked it all over. Using some discarded frosting, she fused the butterscotch to the weak leg, supporting the statue. “You’ll live to stand another day, mister ice cream sandwich.”

Pinkie heard clapping. Turning, she saw Marceline floating in the air a short distance away, her veiled day outfit keeping the sun off her skin. “That was really cool, Pinks.”

“Just doing what I can,” Pinkie said with a bow. 

“I was waiting here to scare the living daylights out of you. Figured a ghost town might have a vibe that the spooky forest didn’t, but… well, now the mood’s wrong.”

“Oh, sorry, should I have waited to fix the statue until after?”

Marceline narrowed her eyes. “Did you know I was waiting for you?”

“Maaaaaaaybe…?” Pinkie hoofed the ground in a pathetic attempt at looking innocent. 

Marceline rolled her eyes. “I’m starting to wonder if anything gets past you.”

“The Pink One’s powers of observation cannot be measured on any scale!” Pinkie giggled. Her laugh subsided quickly. “...Are they okay?”

“Who? Oh! The candy people? Yeah, Bonnie organized them to evacuate since flippin’ King of Ooo decided to recall the gumball guardians to ‘solidify his seat of power’.”

“Well that’s not very nice.”

“No. It’s not,” Marceline deadpanned. 

“Hmm.” Pinkie scratched her chin. “Maybe I can talk to him about it? I am an ambassador, after all.”

“He doesn’t even listen to his advisors. The guy’s an idiot in a fancy crown.”

Pinkie twisted her head upside-down, as though her neck were rubber. “Why’s that a problem?”

Marceline opened her mouth to respond, but had no retort. 

“New mission: be ambassador, and get the King to care more about his subjects! Also: use his proper title, Princess King of Ooo!” Pinkie tapped her chin. “I’m pretty sure he’s not King of Ooo though, I’ve never heard of him and I live in Ooo. He’s Princess King of the Candy Kingdom.”

“He was calling himself the King of Ooo long before he ran in the election. Guy has no claim what-so-ever. Well, aside from a bunch of morons voting him into office.”

“And this is why Equestria isn’t a democracy!” 

“Oh my glob, are you seriously going to debate politics with me?”

“I’m Ambassador Pie!” Pinkie puffed out her chest and stood as tall as she could manage. “I am politics. And pastries.”

Marceline’s frown slowly turned into a grin. “You could overthrow the King if you wanted, couldn’t you?”

Pinkie lifted a hoof and tilted it side to side. “I dunno, and that’d be a little unfair. Not to mention breaking the Pinkie Promise to Twilight—things need to be smooth as butter.”

“So your plan is to go in, get the King to change, establish good diplomatic relations, and have a good time?”

“Yep!”

“This I gotta see. Count me in.” 

Pinkie jumped Marceline into a hug. “Yay!”

“Whoa!” The floating vampire dropped a foot closer to the ground. “Geez, Pinks, warn me next time!”

“Hugs need no warning. They are best when given unexpectedly.” Pinkie squeezed her tighter. “Also, do you know what this means?”

“What?”

“You’re floating and carrying me.” She looked at Marceline with huge puppy eyes. “We can fly to the capital.”

Marceline frowned. “Fine. But I get to ride you on the way back.”

Pinkie nodded in agreement. “It’s only fair.”

Pony in arms, Marceline drifted away from the town and toward the pink spires of the capital in the distance. The rolling hills of grass and chocolate rivers unfolded beneath them, making Pinkie’s mouth water. 

Marceline did not want her gloves to get soaked in pony saliva, so she sought to distract Pinkie. “So, do you guys let other creatures ride you all the time, or…?”

“It’s not common,” Pinkie said, thinking deeply. “Twilight has Spike—a baby dragon—ride her all the time, but they’re like siblings. Most ponies don’t like people on their backs, though we do carry a lot of stuff. Visitors always say saddles are seats, and they can work like that, but we usually use them to keep cargo on our backs. Or for fashion statements.”

“Fashion?” Marceline looked Pinkie over. “You aren’t wearing anything.”

“Well, yeah! Our coats provide all the natural protection we need, the only point for clothes at all is to make us look nicer! My friend Rarity is a seamstress, and she makes the best decorative dresses, gowns, hats, suits, you name it! I should introduce you, she’d love the opportunity to work on the bipedal form! It’s mostly quadrupeds in Equestria.”

“Making dresses for a living for people who don’t usually wear clothes…” Marceline chewed on this for a while. “Okay, I’m curious.”

“When we leave we can take you with us, go on a sight-seeing vacation!”

“Eh, maybe some other time. I need to keep an eye on Bonnie for now.”

“Ah. Say no more. Just know that Equestria’s doors are always open to you!”

Marceline let out a soft laugh. “Times really have changed, haven’t they?”

“...Huh?”

“I remember when Equestria was…  very isolationist. It was you ponies against the world. Never violent, never angry, just… the few of you I met had this bizarre smug superiority about you. Especially the unicorns.”

“Oh, yeah, a lot of the nobility is still like that. Twilight has to go to Canterlot a lot, and we come with her every now and then, and hot belugian waffles are those ponies stuck up! They don’t even know how to throw a proper party! They stand around all day with idle chit-chat and fake laughter and there’s not even proper dance music!”

“And you think you could do better?”

“DUH!” She gestured at the balloons on her flank with her tail. “That’s my special talent! Throwing parties!” 

“You’ll have to invite me to one of those, you know.”

“I’m already thinking up the invitation designs.” 

“Put those designs on hold, we’re here.” 

The Candy Capital was a medium-sized city surrounded by a cake wall and a thick moat of candy syrup. Standing outside the city were massive, castle-sized golems built from a metallic body and a spherical glass head. Within the glass heads were numerous gumballs larger than a person. Pinkie quickly identified these as the previously mentioned gumball guardians. She had to agree, having all of them here to protect the capital was a bit overkill—together they were comparable in size to the city itself. 

Though she did approve that all of them were wearing giant waffle cones like party hats. That was a plus. 

“Stop,” one of the guardians said, voice monotone but not quite robotic. “What is your business in the Candy Capital?”

“Hi!” Pinkie waved from Marceline’s arms. “I’m Ambassador Pinkie Pie from Equestria, seeking an audience with the Princess King of Ooo!”

“You do not look like an ambassador.”

“She’s legit, guys,” Marceline said. “And if that’s not enough for you, she’s here with me. And you know I don’t mean the kingdom harm.”

“Kingdom, no. King? Perhaps.” The gumball guardian turned to the others. “What say you?”

“Marceline could get in whether we wanted her to or not,” another responded. “The fact that she is asking adds some legitimacy to the claim.”

“Very well.” The first guardian returned to the two of them. “You may enter through the front gates. The banana guards will be with you until Princess King of Ooo is ready to meet with you.”

“Thanks! You guys are the best!” Pinkie beamed. 

Despite having glass for a head, the guardian somehow managed to blush. “Aww… thanks.” 

Marceline and Pinkie descended to the ground at the foot of the main gates. The doors slid open, revealing a troop of banana guards. They looked just as the name implied: half-bananas with chocolate on their tips. They had arms and legs, though, and in their arms they held spears and other weapons. 

“Wow, an ambassador,” one of the guards said, looking at Pinkie. “Haven’t had one from Equestria in a while!”

“I’m here now!” Pinkie said, grinning. “So… when can we see the Princess King?”

“Uh…” One of the banana guards took out a scroll and frowned. “He, uh, he’s said he’s not to be disturbed at the moment.”

“And you have no idea when he’ll meet with anyone, do you?” Marceline asked.

“Uh, no.” The banana guard rubbed the back of his peel. “But we can show you around our great city!”

“Lead the way!” Pinkie said. 

Two banana guards broke off from the main group and led Pinkie and Marceline into the city. The other guards closed the gates behind them. 

Pinkie took a moment to look around, and her jaw dropped all the way to the ground, embedding itself in the toffee street. This was no ghost town—this was a city. Massive buildings composed of every confectionary imaginable filled the city walls, coloring the world with a brilliant variety of hues. Pink towers of gum rose far above most of the other structures, carrying candy syrup from the central palace to the people below. 

Speaking of the people, they were just as colorful as the city, if not more so. Gumballs of every shade ran through the streets, soda glasses frothing with eternal carbonation handed out newspapers, buttery wafers ran laughing through the streets, and taffy creatures held business in the bazaar.

A laughing bowl of punch ran past them. Pinkie glared at him—she didn’t trust that punch bowl, not one bit. 

Returning to her absorption of the Candy Capital’s citizens, she noticed that not all of them were candy. There were a few berry people, a small green elephant, a few talking animals in suits, and various other creatures. They were in the minority, by far, but they lived in peace with the smiling, laughing candy. 

The smell was the best part. Soda, cake, donuts, syrup… every sugary smell under the sun was somewhere within this capital, and Pinkie’s nose picked up on it all. For most who weren't used to the scent, the unapologetic sweetness would make them sick. But Pinkie was not most people—she lived and breathed sugar. This place might as well have been her second home. 

“...Marcie,” Pinkie breathed. 

“Pinks?”

“You are going to have to tell me what I can eat and what I can’t.” She licked her lips. “This place is paradise…”

Marceline grinned. “I’m taking you to the candy tavern. The King can come get us when he’s ready.”

“A soda bar… oh my…” Pinkie’s grin threatened to tear her face in half.
> X - Comet Consultation
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s staggering precisely how much the rest of the universe affects Earth. From Catalyst Comets to the secrets of Mars to the remnants of alien visitors, the history of this planet has been marred by those from beyond. 

Any educated person can come to understand the influence the stars have had on our tumultuous history. Almost no one realizes the reverse truth. Earth has influenced the wider universe in unimaginable ways. 


~~~


Twilight and Bonnibel returned to the lab excitedly. They tripped over each other, landing in a pile at the base of the stairs. Neither spent any time considering how awkward this moment was, immediately running to the countertop where Bonnibel had left her holographic projector and notebook. She turned it back on while Twilight tore the notebook off the desk and began flipping frantically through it again. 

“Absolutely fascinating…” Twilight said, finishing her initial skim of the notebook in under a minute, immediately flipping back to the front page to examine everything in further detail. “Every thousand years? Are we sure?”

“The number is likely inexact,” Bonnibel answered. “Even assuming it is keyed to the physical location of the Earth in reference to the Sun, the spatial drift would ensure that it wouldn't align precisely every thousand years. Without a proper dating system, however, there is little way to prove this.”

“I’ll have to ask Celestia…” Twilight said, flipping another page. “She would remember something like this happening. Although… she would have noticed the sky changing color a thousand years ago.” 

“Unless it happened on the other side of the planet.”

“Hmm… the dead continents… there might still be a remnant.”

Bonnibel raised an eyebrow. “Do you have any idea how stupid it would be to try to explore the dead continents?” 

“Yeah, I know, darkness, dismay, destruction, desolation… but there might be something here. Hmm…” She scrunched her muzzle at the book, chewing on the thought of a thousand years ago. Something was nagging at the back of her mind—there were many prophecies that mentioned a thousand years like it was something important, a major segment of history. The biggest one she knew of was the Nightmare Moon prophecy, but that had come true years ago. The timing was wrong to be correlated to the Catalyst Comet that had shown up a few weeks ago. 

“You seem troubled,” Bonnibel observed.

“Something in the back of my mind I can’t quite get to…” Twilight frowned. “A thousand years ago…”

“Well, I don’t know about a thousand years ago, but I do know there was a Catalyst Comet that struck two thousand years ago, around the same time as the Mushroom War.” 

“No history survived from during the Mushroom War period, how can you know that?”

“Page 96.”

“If you’re referring to the Comet’s continued spirit-nexus, I’m afraid I don’t see the connection. The ongoing flow of destiny would be impossible to measure due to the exaggerated uncertainty principle.”

“Au contraire, my purple friend,” Bonnibel said, sliding aside a panel on one of her walls to reveal a whiteboard. “If we take the aspect of thaumic consciousness as alpha and treat it as a singular point…”

“...Fascinating theory, but on what basis are you making this assumption…?”

“...It’s an assumption I’ll prove recursively at a later step, for the moment it serves as a placeholder. Set the alpha’s value to an arbitrary numerical constant and adhere it to the cosmic energies of the celestial sphere…”

“...The celestial sphere is just an approximation, though the math checks out. I’d suggest using Neighton’s constant. Beta equals…”

“...I am aware of the value, though we call it Butter’s number…”

“...Carry the two…”

“...Place the Taylor Series into locus aleph null...”

“...Evaluate the resulting transcendental function numerically for all x…”

“...And assuming the covalence of atomic bond theory is correct…”

“...We’re going to need a bigger whiteboard…”

“...I have more in the box…”


~~~


About every thousand years, a comet is ignited by the magic of the Earth itself. No matter what the state of magic is in the current era, the comet is called, and despite efforts by past inhabitants, nothing has ever stopped the transmission. The comet ignites, becoming a living paradox of ice and colored flame. It is born with one instruction. 

Come. 

And so it does. From beyond the orbit of Neptune, the supernatural glacier hurls itself at the only naturally habitable planet in the Solar System. 

Bonnibel and Twilight spent three hours deriving the magical equations to establish this simple fact, making two errors along the way that neither noticed. This did nothing to change the truth of their deductions, though in the future each would notice one of the errors and fix it, only to realize it skewed the results. The mistakes, by pure chance, canceled each other out. 

All this to say, the two of them found the art of mathematically proving the Catalyst Comets’ existence riveting in a way nobody else would. Everyone else would only care about the conclusions: namely, what a Catalyst Comet does. 

First, the physical effect. It crashes into the Earth. The precise result of this fallout depends entirely on the Comet’s physical size, which has varied from barely larger than a baseball to large enough to wipe out the dinosaurs. Normally, this physical interaction is the least influential part of the Comet’s existence. 

As far as the forces of destiny and divination are concerned, the Comets herald great eras of change. Often events leading up to and after the strike of a comet are tense, marked by major shifts in the course of history. The Comet of the Mushroom War arrived in the midst of an apocalypse. Two comets prior, The Comet of the One coincided with the birth of the most influential human in history. On the reverse side of time, two comets forward, The Comet of the Dissipation arrived, coinciding with change the world hadn’t quite realized yet. Beyond the fact that it turned the sky purple, of course. 

There is a third effect, however. Every Comet that strikes the Earth dies. 

But each Comet carries with it a rare soul that cannot die. 


~~~


“...And so, the spirit of the Comet cannot move on due to an excess of energy, nor can it be dissipated without the proper channels!” Bonnibel slammed her marker into the seventh whiteboard and drew a solid black square. Despite being made almost entirely of bubblegum, her hair still somehow managed to look frazzled and mangy, though it was nothing compared to the disheveled mess that was Twilight’s. 

Neither of them cared. They had just been through the best SCIENCE! session of their lives. 

“So… what happens to the spirit then?” Twilight asked. “It can’t become a ghost. If the situations were proper for such a thing it would dissipate into the cosmos as a whole. It would have to find… something… else…” Twilight squealed. “A new body!”

“Yes! The ancient philosophy of reincarnation is an apt description of the process!”

“That’s how you know so much! You’re a Comet spirit, aren’t you?”

Bonnibel stared at Twilight blankly for several seconds before breaking out into laughter. 

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. It was the most logical assumption!” Bonnibel started laughing harder. “It was!”

“No, no, I just know a Comet spirit,” Bonnibel managed through her sputtering. “It’s Finn. He’s the Spirit of the Comet of the Mushroom War.”

Silence filled the lab that was previously filled with laughter. 

“Finn,” Twilight deadpanned.

“Yep.”

“Doesn’t exactly… strike me as the type.”

“Well, he is human.”

“HE’S HUMAN!?” Twilight shrieked. 

Bonnibel rubbed her ears. “Y-yeah.”

“How? I thought they were extinct!”

“We’re not entirely sure how. He found his father recently, but the man never explained everything and isn’t around anymore.” She frowned. “Something about making a deal with the Comet.” 

“Wait… is he why the Comet vanished instead of hitting?”

“It was a mixture of a lot of factors. There was an ancient deity by the name of Orgalorg trying to siphon power from the Comet for evil purposes, there was a space moth, Finn and Jake were up there in a rocket ship…”

Twilight stared at her in disbelief. 

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me that you, Princess of Friendship, haven’t dealt with more ridiculous things.”

“I… well… there was Tirek… and the Everfree… and Disco—DISCORD!”

Bonnibel cocked her head. “What does he have to do with anything?”

“Discord! The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, he… his reign of chaos was happening around one thousand years ago today, wasn’t it? The previous Comet would have struck during then! Of course nobody noticed it, he was turning the entire world into his playground of chaos at that time! Ha!” Twilight smiled smugly. “I knew there was something a thousand years ago! Ha!”

“He was released recently too, wasn’t he?” Bonnibel scratched her chin. “Maybe the Comet has already been changing things from afar…”

“Still is released. My friends and I befriended him. He has tea with Fluttershy every week.”

Now it was Bonnibel’s turn to stare at Twilight in disbelief. 

“I can call him if you want. He’s got a direct connection to me via the Elements. We set it up back when we wanted to keep an eye on him.”

“No!” Bonnibel blurted. “That’s fine, really! No need to get a visit from the Spirit of Chaos today! Nope!” She laughed nervously. 

“He’s really not that bad.”

“You forget he would ruin our science with his presence.”

“True…”

“Hey!” Bonnibel jumped over to a box. “Now that we’ve established some things about the Comet…”

“I still have a lot more questions.”

Bonnibel pulled a large tripod telescope out of the box and raised an eyebrow. 

Twilight took in a sharp breath of air. “My questions can wait.”

“Thought so. C’mon, let’s go to the roof. Jupiter should be visible on the western horizon.”
> XI - The Right to Bear Corn
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never understood candy corn. 

It doesn’t taste like corn, looks more like teeth than corn, and you can’t effectively put it on a cob or eat it with butter. 

Seriously, what flavor even is it? I know what it’s made out of, but flavors are usually made with the intent to be something. 

These are the sorts of things that bother me. It’s moments like this I wish the Internet was still functional. Then I could at least get a widely accepted misconception for an answer. 


~~~


The candy corn mother beast closed its many eyes and let out an enraged screech, opening its massive maw and ejecting one of its toothy children at Rainbow. In her panic, she could only keep it from biting her, not from hitting her. The extra weight drove her to the ground, kicking up a fair amount of the soil. 

“Bleh!” Rainbow spat angrily. “That tastes terrible!”

“Ha! Got her!” Jake called. The corn mother rammed Jake with its nose, tossing the squishy dog into one of the walls. The impact damaged the already ancient artwork further. “Ugh…”

“Running is a good idea!” Finn shouted, flailing his sword wildly.

“Up and out!” Rainbow said, grabbing Finn with her front hooves and flying for the hole in the ceiling. The corn mother was smart enough to know this meant they would escape, so she opened her maw and launched a dozen of her teeth-children at the duo like bullets. Rainbow had to veer out of the way haphazardly, no longer in enough control to get to the hole. 

One of the little corns smacked her in her cracked back hoof. The jolt of pain made her drop Finn onto the ground, though he was blessed not to get a mixture of chocolate, worms, and whatever counted as corn creature fecal matter in his mouth. He jumped to his feet, swinging his sword at the advancing corn children. 

“Ideas?” Finn called. 

“Run?” Rainbow suggested.

“No,” Jake said, prying himself out of the wall and growing three times in size, purposefully exaggerating the shape of his muscles. “I’ll get 'em. Raaaaaaa!” He grew several more limbs from his elbow and started punching the little corns left and right. The mother let out a powerful roar and charged Jake. 

“Right where I want ya…” Jake consolidated all the mass in one of his arms into a giant fist, giving the mother an uppercut. “Take that, you overgrown tooth tooth… tooth!”

The mother was unfazed by the attack, but Jake had its full attention now. It took several hulking steps forward, pushing through the bulk of Jake’s punches through sheer force of will. He made more and more limbs, but still the creature pushed forward.

“Geez, you’ve got quite the set of muscles on you…” Jake muttered, still having to create new arms to punch the children trying to eat him. “Little help…?”

“I got you, Jake!” Finn said, jumping onto the side of the mother. He pulled his sword back, ready to plunge it into one of the beast’s eyes. He hesitated. “Wait, Rainbow, what did you say about chilling?”

Rainbow kicked one of the child corns off her. “We’re not winning right now, it doesn’t matter! Fight, please!”

“Oh. Okay!” Finn drove the sword forward, but the mother had wisened up. It slapped him aside with one of its excess limbs. He landed next to one of the mother’s many mouths. It opened wide, ready to devour him whole. 

Rainbow flew in, snatching him from the beast’s maw in the nick of time. She carried Finn a short distance away and set him down before sighing.  “I’d complain, but I don’t think the sword would have done much anyway.”

Finn rubbed the back of his head. “Ugh…”

“Guys!” Jake called as he was being pushed into a wall. “Do we have a plan!?”

“Flying up is out…” Rainbow muttered. 

“We can run through that cavern,” Finn suggested, pointing down the now-empty tunnel the mother had come out of. 

“Might be a dead end.” 

“Have a better idea?”

“Not really.” 

Finn stood up and ran for the tunnel, Rainbow flying close behind. “Jake! Disengage! Flee! Run!”

“This is a terrible plan!” Jake said, smiling despite his sentiment. He shrunk down, turning himself into a slingshot. Through a careful use of momentum, he was able to stretch himself backward and launch like a bullet past the mother’s vicious maw. Unfurling himself to his normal size, he entered a run alongside Finn. “So, what do we do when we run into more problems?”

“Keep running?” Finn suggested.

“We are so doomed,” Rainbow groaned. 

Behind them, they could hear the mother roar. Luckily for them, it was large and slow. Its children, unfortunately, were not and had begun to pursue them. Snarling corn children ran after them like a pack of wolves, ready to sink their teeth into the warm flesh of the adventurers. 

“Carry me!” Jake said, jumping onto Rainbow’s back. She grunted as he hit, but with an extra push she managed to match Finn’s speed. 

Now that Jake was no longer worried about running himself, he focused on creating more and more limbs to punch the pursuers away. The smaller monsters were much more manageable than mama. 

Still, it kept them running. They ran through the tunnel in a panic, doing everything they could just to stay alive and well. The tunnel curved up, left, right, then left again, entering a large curve that took them around like a corkscrew. Eventually, they entered a sharply downhill segment. 

“Yeah! We’re faster now!” Finn cheered. 

“Downhill makes them faster too!” Rainbow shouted. “And I’m only staying back to keep Finn from biting it!” 

“Oh. Right.” Finn glanced back at the corn beasts falling after them. “Right... “ He realized how heavily he was breathing. “We can’t keep running like this,” he gasped.

“You can say that again,” Rainbow groaned. “There’s a dead end up ahead.”

Jake recalled all his extra limbs, shifting into a baseball form. “Throw me at the wall!” 

Rainbow didn’t question him. She pulled back with one of her wings and hurled Jake at the upcoming dead end. He grew in size five-fold, taking the shape of a massive spike. He drove right through the wall, opening it up to the wide room on the other side. Rainbow flew through and Finn jumped in shortly thereafter. 

They were back in the round room they had started in, and mother corn was still there. She roared. 

“Seriously!?” Rainbow shouted. 

“I… can’t do that again…” Finn panted. 

“We can still do this. Look for another cave—” Rainbow was slapped to the side by one of the mother’s limbs. She slid pathetically off the wall and flopped onto the ground, groaning. Jake was on the ground as well, rubbing the headache he had received by using his body to punch through a cave wall. 

Only Finn stood. Terrified out of his mind, he hefted his sword and angled it at the mother. “I’m not going down without a fight, corn-wad!”

The mother didn’t care. It opened its mouth, ready to devour him whole. Finn made plans to jump past all the teeth and carve the beast open from the inside. It was a stupid plan, but it was all he had at this point. 

Just before he jumped, someone dropped down the hole, landing behind the mother. It was a bipedal creature somewhat taller than Finn dressed entirely in ornate metal armor in a style long forgotten. A warrior. 

He drove his curved blade right into the mother’s backside. It stuck there, doing little more than grabbing the monster’s attention. It twisted around, allowing one of its secondary mouths to take a bite at the warrior. In response, the warrior pulled out a rod with a red button on top. As he pressed down, the sword embedded in the beast exploded. 

Rearing, the mother forgot all about Finn and his friends, focusing entirely on the new warrior. The warrior, in response, pulled out a trident that crackled with electricity. He jumped over the mother’s attempt at a bite, poking it in the forehead right between two of the eyes. The creature let out an ululating scream as electricity coursed through its sugary body. 

The warrior wasn’t finished. Tossing the trident to the side, he pulled out several pulsating discs and threw them on the creature. As he jumped off, all three of them exploded, throwing the massive hulk of a beast into one of the walls. 

It had had enough. With a whimper, the mother fled back through the hole she had entered. None of her children were willing to risk an encounter with the warrior. They fled with even more frantic whimpers. 

“Wow…” Rainbow said, eyes wide. “That was AWESOME! Thank you, mister! You saved our flanks!”

“Yeah!” Finn said. “How’d you do all that? Where’d you get all the sick loot?”

“I’m a little teapot…” Jake chuckled, rubbing his head.

The warrior stared at Finn for the longest time, the mask making the gaze more than a little ominous. 

“Uh… hello?” Finn said, nervous. He wondered if they’d have to fight this guy now.

“I mean you no harm.” It was a strangely normal sounding voice, not at all what Finn would have expected from some legendary armored warrior. “I only seek to help. And to know what you are doing in this place.”

“We’re adventuring!” Rainbow answered. “We uh… got surprised by the corn creatures.”

“Someone said we should let the corn creatures go running back to mama,” Jake muttered, slowly regaining some of his awareness. 

“That’s… that’s beside the point!”

Finn rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, uh, we’re usually a lot cooler than this, mister. Adventuring is kinda our thing. I’m Finn, that’s Jake, and that’s Rainbow. She’s new.”

“Hey!” Rainbow sputtered. 

The warrior nodded, only taking his gaze off Finn for a moment. “They call me Jack.”

“Jack?” Finn’s jaw dropped. “Jack? Samurai Jack?”

“Who?” Rainbow asked. 

“Samurai Jack! Legendary hero of the south!” Finn held his sword up high. “Traveling the world, being a hero!”

“I am surprised any this far north know of my legend,” Jack said. 

“Well, not many do,” Jake said. “We just heard about you from Billy. The guy wouldn’t shut up about you!”

“You knew Billy?” Jack asked, his surprise evident. 

“I don’t know who Billy is, either,” Rainbow groaned. 

“BILLY!” Jake shouted, strumming on an air guitar after saying the name. “Billy was the best hero, like, ever. Took out the Lich, saved a ton of people, and he was one of our buds! And he liked telling stories.”

“He talked a lot about your adventures,” Finn told Jack. “He said you made quite a team before you went back south.”

“We did…” Jack admitted, posture relaxing as the memories came back. “But he was a hero of these lands. These lands that did not have what I seek. I had to leave him.”

“Oh, I understand. Heroing takes you everywhere, doesn't it?”

“It truly does.” Jack looked at Finn again, staring. 

“Okay, what’s the deal?” Rainbow asked. “Why’s Finn so fascinating?”

Jack leaned down so his mask was level with Finn. “You are human.”

“Uh, yeah,” Finn said. 

“Wait, what?” Rainbow shook her head. “I thought humans were extinct.”

“We should be,” Jack said.

“We…?”

Jack reached to his head and pulled off his helmet, revealing a pale skinned face with narrow eyes and black beard. The face of a human. 

Finn gasped. “You’re human too!”

“Yes. And I have not seen another human in over forty years, Finn…”
> XII - Pyramids of Koo
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m surprised tourism to the Candy Capital wasn’t more common. It was one of the most cohesive and colorful locations in all of Ooo, and it could have made an immense profit just from advertising a bit in the other nations. Even disregarding the roadblock that was the Everfree Forest, there was the Fire Kingdom to the west. The two were allies at the time. Why not make use of the opportunity to exploit the citizens for cash?

I blame the leaders being concerned with other, less important things. And the candy people being absolute idiots. Show me a candy person and I’ll convince it to throw itself off a cliff because “the sharp rocks at the bottom are actually marshmallows”. 

This doesn’t explain why any of the other races occupying the Candy Kingdom don’t attempt to make a quick buck off tourism. Maybe stupidity is contagious. 


~~~


The Candy Tavern was constructed from a dark variety of gingerbread and what appeared to be chocolate wood, at least going by smell. The doors and windows were rimmed with peppermint stick designs that filled the air with their festive scent. Unfortunately, the place wasn’t exactly in a good state of repair. There were numerous cracks in the walls, the roof had clear signs of being eaten by birds, and one of the windows was broken.

“Huh,” Marceline said, scratching the back of her head. “Looks like the King’s been letting this place go…”

“Eh, resources have been diverted to other building projects,” one of the banana guards following her and Pinkie offered. “This is just a tavern. Not sure why you want to be here, it’s not exactly a great place.”

Pinkie glanced at Marceline. “How much will they be able to feed me in there?”

“As much as you can pay for!”

“Do they accept Equestrian bits?”

“No, but I have a massive credit line accumulated over centuries. There’s no way you can eat through it.”

“We’ll see!” Pinkie jumped through the doors. Marceline followed her, but the banana guards waited outside.

The interior was dimly lit, but not ominously so. It was an attempt at being homely that was severely diminished by the tavern’s current state. Despite this, it still had a fair number of patrons, including a few berry-people. Most of the patrons had some kind of scarring or tattoo or something else that Pinkie could recognize as an attempt to look intimidating. None of it had any effect on her whatsoever. 

Any patrons who may have been of the persuasion to flex on her were immediately dissuaded by the presence of Marceline. Unlike them, she could actually back her intimidation up. 

Pinkie bounced up to the bar, landing on one of the swiveling stools like a tornado. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” She extended a hoof to the bartender, a grumpy-looking creature that was made out of lumps of lime pudding. 

“What’ll it be?” he grunted. 

“How about a menu, my fine pea-shaped person?”

“Menu?” The bartender snorted. “What are you, new?”

“Uh, yeah?” Marceline pointed at her. “You don’t see ponies very often, right?”

The bartender shrugged. “Guess not. Don’t really have a menu, anyway. People just order what they want.”

“Get her a cherry cream soda,” a candy man made out of a jar of dirt said, sliding up to the bar. “Always a classic!”

“Eh… whatever you say, Dirt Beer Guy.”

Pinkie grinned and extended a hoof to Dirt Beer Guy. “Thanks, Dirt Beer Guy! I don’t know what I would have done without that suggestion!”

Marceline raised an eyebrow. “I would have ordered you the sugar supreme, you would have been fine.”

Dirt Beer Guy shrugged. “Just saw somebody in need.”

Pinkie let out a small gasp. “D’aww, I’ve known you five seconds and I already know you’re the best!”

The bartender returned, slamming the cherry cream soda on the counter. Marceline gave him a dismissive hand gesture and he made no comment about payment. At an empty seat, he set down a glass taller than Pinkie’s head filled with a rainbow of colorful fluids. 

“Whoa… what’s that and who drinks that?” Pinkie asked.

“That’s a rainbow deluxe tower,” Dirt Beer Guy explained. “Usually for Rainicorns. Lady probably ordered ahead.”

“Rainicorn?” Pinkie gasped. “We have some of those in Equestria! They live around Rainbow Falls and create some of the most beautiful art I’ve ever seen!” She turned to the bartender. “Get me one of those, please?”

As the bartender filled another massive glass, the doors to the bar slid open, revealing one Lady Rainicorn. She was a long quadruped with a horn on her head and every color of the rainbow plastered on her pelt. She wore a tired expression as she slid up to the bar, dropped some cash on the counter, and downed the entire drink. 

“You look like you’ve just had a day,” Pinkie said, frowning. 

“Geu meongcheonghan wang-i sigol-eul pagoehago issseubnida!” Lady huffed, laying her elongated body over the counter like a discarded sock.

“Aww, I’m sure he can’t be that bad!”

“Dongmuldeul-eun chugjeleul beol-igo iss-eumyeo yeogie modeun geos-eul bogwanhabnida. Igijeog-in jag-eun…”

“Oh…” Pinkie leaned forward, chin resting on one of her hooves. “Tell me more.”

“What are they talking about?” Marceline whispered to Dirt Beer Guy as Lady kept going on in the unusual language of the Rainicorns. 

“Lady’s been having trouble with the local animals,” Dirt Beer Guy explained. “They’ve started moving in to eat houses ever since the King of Ooo ordered resources recalled to the capital. Even though Lady doesn’t live in a candy house, everything else is being overrun. Her kid, T.V., still lives at home and she worries it might not be safe anymore.”

“Geez, the King’s really messing it up, huh?”

“Yep. Even though he’s moving all the resources around, the buildings in the capital are still falling apart. He’s making a lot of new buildings, though, but they’re either 'public works', restaurants, or those weird pyramid things he’s gotten obsessed with.”

Pinkie’s ears perked up. “Pyramid things?” she asked, turning away from Lady for a moment. 

“Yeah, he’s been surrounding the palace in gold metal pyramids. It’s not even made out of candy! Isn’t that weird?”

“Do they have his face on them or something?” Marceline asked.

“Nope, they’re just… there.”

“...Odd.”

Pinkie downed the entire rainbow deluxe tower. “That sounds like something we should check out!”

“Geuui heoyeong-eul janglyeohaji masibsio,” Lady commented. 

“I won’t, I won’t! But I’m an Ambassador so I should get educated on what he’s been doing around here. But first…” She turned to the bartender. “Got anything cotton candy flavored?”

The bartender dropped four glasses, all filled with different blends of cotton candy submerged in fruit juices. 

Pinkie’s jaw hung open. “...You know what, just get me one of everything you serve. It’ll all be sugary and delicious!”

“Except the water,” Marceline pointed out. 

“Water is delicious!” Pinkie cheered. 

“Dangsin-eun daesa-ege ohilyeo baboibnida,” Lady observed. 

“Yes. Yes I am.” She downed a frothing soda, getting bubbles on her muzzle like a beard. “The proof is in the pudding.”


~~~


After Pinkie made it about halfway through the candy tavern’s variety of dishes, the bartender was relieved of the pony with the endless stomach’s curse by a banana guard. The Princess King of Ooo’s court time was almost upon them, so they needed to prepare. Pinkie wiped all the sugary stains off her face in an instant and bounced out of the candy tavern. It took Marceline significantly longer to clean herself up, but they were still on schedule when they left. 

The candy castle was a tremendous white cake that towered far above the heights of any other building in the entire Candy Capital. The candy syrup flowed from the massive tree growing through its center, passing through water wheels and numerous other sections to power the entire city. Pinkie decided it was beautiful. 

The jarring yellow spikes surrounding it ruined the view. They were three-sided pyramids of gold-brushed metal that rose into the sky like teeth. Ten of them circled the palace at equidistant angles, reflecting the blinding sun into the faces of people who passed too close. 

Pinkie had to shield her eyes as she walked past the one right in front of the castle’s main entrance. “That’s a bit of an eyesore…”

“How did he build them so fast…?” Marceline wondered, floating up to the base of one. “He’s an incompetent fool, how did he organize this?”

The banana guard shrugged. “Maybe he’s better than you think he is.”

“The city is falling apart, peel-brain.”

The banana guard sagged, but said nothing. 

They were led through the main doors into the bright, colorful throne room. Here, there were no signs of things falling apart or being neglected. The floors were perfectly dusted, the carpets were clean, and the banners hanging along the walls burst with brilliant color. At the back sat an impressive throne of gold cushioned with a pink seat and backing. It was an impressive throne, to be sure. 

However, nobody was sitting in it. 

“Oh no oh no…” the banana guard groaned. “He’s supposed to be here…”

“Honestly, I’m not surprised,” Marceline said.

“Hmm, a missing Princess-King…” Pinkie pulled a deerstalker cap and a pipe out of her mane and put them on, furrowing her brow. “This looks like a job for Detective Pinkie Pie! The case of the missing royalty!” Pinkie adjusted her hat in an attempt to look thoughtful. She pounced up to the throne and examined it with a magnifying glass. “Hmmm…” She traced her hoof along the cushion and licked it. “Waxy.”

“Waxy…?” One of the observing banana guards scratched the back of his head. “Weird…”

“He’s literally made of wax,” Marceline groaned. “How can you not know something that basic?”

“Oh.” The banana guard shuffled his feet nervously. “...So… what should we do?”

Marceline shrugged. “Let her investigate. She can’t make things any worse. Probably.”

This did little to ease the banana guard’s nerves.
> XIII - Crashdown
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Space is filled with life. Far more life than anyone knows what to do with. Point a telescope up at a random star and chances are there’s something around it, jumping around in a magic bubble of some sort. 

Those bubbles are so ridiculous…

It’s hard to believe that only a few thousand years ago, life was rare in the wider universe. Funny how that works. Now nobody’s surprised that aliens are a thing. Just think of Mars! Our next-door neighbor, covered in aliens. The place isn’t exactly a secret. It wouldn’t be that unreasonable to think of it as another nation of Ooo. 


~~~


Twilight and Bonnibel left the cabin, telescope in tow. Once they’d passed the pumpkin patch, Bonnibel opened up the tripod and set it down on a flat patch of grass, the spikes in the legs digging into the soft earth. After turning a few screws to level the telescope out, she looked through the eyepiece. “All right, Jupiter…” She swiveled to the side, pointing the instrument at the distant horizon. “Hold on, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly… aha!” She flicked a switch, locking the telescope into place. “Behold!”

Twilight had to stand on her hind hooves to get to the eyepiece. Using her wings for stability, she looked through. There, up against the blue sky, was a dull white circle. Looking closely, she could make out faint stripes. “Wow, that’s a pretty good picture for a backyard telescope!”

“I’ve got more tricks…” Bonnibel twisted a knob, lowering the zoom until Jupiter was little more than a dot on the lens. Moving to the front end of the telescope, she placed a special lens in front. Jupiter was gone—in its place was a fuzzy double-lobed shape that was bright in the center, fading off toward the edges. 

Twilight gasped. “Jupiter’s magnetic field…? You have a radio lens? What? How?”

“It’s a liar,” Bonnibel said, smirking. Removing the lens, she brought it closer to Twilight’s gaze. “It’s not actually a lens, it’s a digital filter. Bought it off a cosmology-prone wizard a while back. It’s a surprisingly reliable tool, despite its… enchanted nature.”

Twilight frowned. “You’ve had trouble with magic, huh?”

“Trying to rigorously prove anything about the arcane has been a chore. The math works out but sometimes stuff just goes badongles anyway.”

“You should come to the Colleges of Magic, the professors will feel your pain.”

“I… have often wanted to visit those places. I’m not a wizard, though.”

“Really?” Twilight cocked her head. “You’ve got so much magic in you it’s setting off my ambient sensory spells.”

Bonnibel shook her head. “I’m a sentient wad of bubblegum that’s lived a long time—”

“No, it’s not that kind of magic. It’s deeper than that, and…” Twilight pursed her lips. “I’m not sure what it is, but you’ve got a lot in there. If we could figure out what sort of magic focal point would work for you…” Twilight scratched her chin. 

“Even so, I’d rather not make use of something I can’t control. It’s not possible to really trust magic to behave itself.”

Twilight shrugged. “That’s understandable. Celestia knows I’ve charred my hide more than a few times teleporting.” She giggled at the memory. “Maybe if we didn’t use madness as a locus…”

“I wonder what Wizard City would think of you.”

“They’d either herald me as the hero or some kind of demon,” Twilight said without missing a beat. “At least, that’s what the history books would suggest.”

Bonnibel nodded. “Good guess.” She checked the front of the telescope, examining some other lenses. “I have an X-Ray filter, a tunneler, a solar filter...”

Twilight gasped. “A solar filter?”

“I take it you want to look at the sun?”

“Yes!”

Chuckling, Bonnibel placed the filter on the main lens. After another round of adjusting the telescope, they had it pointed directly at the sun. Looking through the eyepiece, they could see the orb of fire without burning their eyes out. Flames danced around the edge of the corona while black sunspots roiled in the center of the orb. 

“Celestia’s charge really is beautiful…”

“Strictly speaking, it isn’t hers,” Bonnibel said.

“W-what?” Twilight gawked at her. “You… you’re a Celestia denier?”

Bonnibel smirked. “I do not believe she moves the sun.”

“B-but I’ve seen her do it! I had her magic for a while, I did it myself once! I—”

Bonnibel started laughing. “Well, that explains the problems we had a while back…”

“Hey!”

“I’m just saying she doesn't move the sun, that’d be ridiculous. She moves the Earth.” Bonnibel made a tutting noise. “I’m disappointed in you Twilight, not using specific language.”

“I… but…” She took a breath and let it out. “Right, fine, you’re right, she moves the Earth, but she’s associated more with the Sun so we say she raises the sun. But Luna moves the moon!”

Bonnibel twitched involuntarily. “Yes… She does… I haven’t the foggiest idea how she manages to do it but she does!”

“You don’t know? There was a recent study done by, uh, me, that the spells overcome the thaumic splines, triggering a framework built into the planetary field that acts automatically. There is a minimum recognition energy and the keystone arcana is unbelievably complex…”

“So the spell already existed before they started using it…” Bonnibel frowned. “Then who made those cosmological spells for them?”

“Uh… hmm. The original unicorn tribes?”

“Do you really think a primitive tribe of unicorns could develop a planet-wide spell to control the day and night cycle?” Bonnibel tapped the telescope. “We know the Earth rotated on its own in the past. Something had to have happened…”

“Unfortunately, we’re not historians,” Twilight sighed. “As much as I’d like to know, I’m not able to go to a ruin and find ancient inf—what is that!?”

Twilight pointed up with her wing. To the side of the sun, a speck of light had appeared. Quickly, Bonnibel swiveled the telescope to it and glanced through the eyepiece. “A meteor!”

“Whoa!” Twilight pushed Bonnibel out of the way, looking at the flaming dot in the sky through the telescope. “That’s a big one!”

Bonnibel pushed Twilight, examining it. “I don’t think it’s burning up…”

Twilight levitated Bonnibel out of the way. “There’s some kind of shape I can’t make out…”

Bonnibel grabbed Twilight by the tail and jumped over her, looking through once again. “I think it’s going to hit!”

Twilight swapped their positions with a teleport. “It’s… augh, it’s moving too fast!” She left the eyepiece, following the spark of fire through the sky with her eyes and magic. “It’s going to crash all right. North!”

“...That’s big,” Bonnibel observed, leaving the telescope she had just won to watch the fireball cascade through the sky. It was impossible to make out any features in the flaming hunk, but it couldn’t have been simple rock—it wasn’t burning up. The fiery object sailed through the sky, leaving a streak of smoke as it approached the world. It didn’t color the world as the Comet had, but it was hard to ignore the rumbling sound it made as it zipped through the atmosphere. 

They saw it hit. The rumbling continued for a solid second before they felt the impact. The ground trembled beneath them, toppling the telescope and dropping Bonnibel to her knees. Birds let out squawks of panic, taking to the skies en masse as the ground shook. 

Then all was silent. Smoke began to rise in the distance. 

Bonnibel and Twilight took one look at each other and nodded. 

“Peps!” Bonnibel called. “We’re going to check out the thing that fell from space!”

Peppermint poked his head out of the cabin. “Of course you are. I’ll prepare the packs…”

Bonnibel ran in, grabbing several notebooks and her shotgun, slinging it over her back. She changed into her rugged hiking boots and put on thick gloves. Twilight helped Peppermint pack the bags with food, supplies, and some of Bonnibel’s equipment. None of the packs were designed for an equine form, so Twilight had to tear up one of Bonnibel’s pairs of pants to sew the pack a proper equine strap. Bonnibel didn’t mind; she just wanted to get going. 

Twilight and Bonnibel stood on the porch, ready for anything. 

“We should investigate in a calm and orderly fashion,” Twilight suggested.

“We should,” Bonnie admitted with a nod.

Both of them looked at each other and grinned. They ran off to the north at full speed, throwing all caution to the wind. Over the river and through the woods, a smoking crater waited...
> XIV - Lost Beach
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samurai Jack. Strong, silent, determined, ageless. A man from a lost era who wants nothing more than to end the evil plague that torments his home. This is difficult for several reasons, not the least of which being his home was conquered millennia ago and these days everything has taken a foreign shape to his young and old eyes. 

He has an annoyingly one-track mind. When something breaks through his focus on the quest, it would have to be something truly monumental. Such as, hypothetically, seeing another human. 

Let’s just say I’m real surprised it took him so long to find another one. Humans are rare, but they aren’t extinct. Granted, most are in one spot, but for a man who tried to scour every square inch of the world, that becomes something you think he would have found. 

Guess it just goes to show that even the most intrepid can miss a few things. 


~~~


Finn wasn’t sure how to respond to Jack. Another human was always exciting, but he’d met several at this point, while this adult man had met none. Should he respond with excitement, letting Jack know there were others? Should he empathize with Jack’s struggle? Should he respond at all? Finn could tell this was a monumental moment, and that his response could define everything for years to come…

“Man, you’re unlucky,” Jake said, “we’ve seen a few humans, and we’re nowhere near as old as you!”

Finn facepalmed. “Jake…”

Jack turned to Jake, expression unreadable. “And… where are they?”

Jake shrugged. “Various places. Betty’s off somewhere doing crazy magic, Simon’s still cursed with the ice crown, and Martin is… discorporeated through the universe? I think?”

“Susan’s nearby,” Finn said, trying to salvage the interaction. 

“I thought we agreed she was a fish person?”

“No, she’s human. I checked.”

“How did you…?”

“There were no fins under the hood.”

“Oh.” Jake scratched his jowls. “That makes sense.”

“So humans really aren’t extinct?” Rainbow blinked. “Then why don’t we hear more about you?”

“Individuals…” Jack said, slowly sitting down on a rock. “Alone, wandering, without a people.”

“Yeah, that kinda appears to be how we humans work,” Finn said with a shrug.

“Do none of them know of others?”

Jake shook his head. “Nope! Simon’s over a thousand years old, Susan’s got a terrible case of lost memories, Betty’s from the past…”

“From the past?” Jack perked up with an alarming intensity. “When?”

“Uh…” Jake took a step back, sweating. 

“Just before the Mushroom War,” Finn answered. 

For a moment, Jack deflated—but his fire came back in an instant. “How did she come here?”

“Simon had a time spell…?” Finn could sense the desperation and strain in Jack’s voice. He’d been around long enough to know that made people do rash things. He also knew that they didn’t stand a chance against Jack if he did snap.

“And how does this time spell… work?” 

Finn gulped. “You, uh, take an object of ‘emotional importance’ from the time and… bam?”

“An object… of importance…” Jack returned to his rock. He said nothing in response, though the longer he sat, the larger his scowl grew. 

“...I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more humans out there,” Finn said. “Martin—my dad—said a few things. I have a mom somewhere and…” He sighed. “And he didn’t really want to talk about it, and he’s not exactly around to ask questions anymore.”

“Yep! Popped into the nothingness and everything!” Jake added.

“Jake, he made a deal with the Comet. Became one with the cosmos or some jazz.”

Rainbow’s ears perked up. “Oh, finally, something that makes sense! That was the Comet Twilight was searching for, right? The thing that made the sky purple?”

“Yeah!” Finn said. “We had to go up there and deal with it.”

Jake stretched his arms into the air and created stars, planets, a comet, and a few other entities out of his rubbery limbs. “There was an evil monster named Orgalorg, a space moth, Banana Man, and a bunch of weird visions I wasn't there for. Still wish I was there for that. Woulda been sweet.”

“I think it mainly wanted to talk to me since I’m, well, you know.”

“But it sounded like a wicked cool conversation! I wanted to see all of reality laid bare before me!”

“You two need to talk to Twilight when we get back,” Rainbow said. “She’s dying to hear about this Comet and this sounds awesome.”

“Peebles knows most of it,” Finn said. “I think that’s what they’re talking about now.”

“Peebles…? Oh, Bonnibel.” Rainbow blinked. “Why do you call her that?”

“Oh, that’s simple, it’s bec—”

The ground shook with a powerful tremor. Jack, who had been sitting in silent observation for some time, launched into action. He tackled Rainbow, pushing her out of the way of a falling boulder. “We need to leave!”

“On it!” Jake shouted, growing several times, wrapping his limbs around the three others. He jumped into the hole that led to the surface… and the rumbling stopped before he had gotten his butt through. 

Jack, Finn, and Rainbow were all pressed together amidst squishy dog fur.

“I think… we’re safe…” Rainbow wheezed. “Can you let us go?”

“Caaaan-do!” Jake descended back into the cave and released the three of them. 

“Something has changed,” Jack said. 

“Well yeah, something big just smashed into the ground!” Jake shrunk back to his normal size. “That wasn’t an earthquake!”

“I mean the room.” Jack pointed at a massive crack in the intricate walls. “That is new.”

“Right, a cracked wall got more cracked.”

“There’s light on the other side,” Rainbow said, poking her head into the crack. “I think I see… a beach?”

Finn broke out into a grin. “Ah, there’s the actual dungeon! Jake, open it up!”

Jack’s eyes widened. “Wait n—”

Jake had already grown his fist and punched through the wall. Rock crumbled and rolled onto the ground, revealing a descending slope that led to sand, and lots of it. Here, the walls were designed with the same bipedal figures and glowing shapes as the previous chamber. The group could see water trickling down from a small crack in the ceiling.

Despite Jake’s violent assault on the wall, there was no further cave-in.

“That was risky,” Jack observed.

“Who cares? There’s more stuff to explore!” Rainbow flew into the opening, followed quickly by Jake. 

Finn hopped through, though he stopped to look back at Jack. “Do you wanna come? Bigger parties are more effective.”

Jack nodded slowly. He put his helmet back on and marched into the cavern, passing Finn. 

“Geez, you really are a quiet guy, huh?” Getting no response, Finn opted to fall silent as well, walking in time right behind Jack. The humans descended after the pegasus and the dog, each hoping to find something slightly different at the bottom.  

“Whoa!” Rainbow called. “Awesome!”

Finn lost all sense of trying to be cool and silent, taking off at a run down the sandy incline. He skidded to the stop as the sand met a pool of softly glowing water—a beach. The pool itself was massive and filled with mushrooms, fish, and other strange creatures that had lived for untold amounts of time sealed off from the outside world. The walls surrounding the lake were natural rock, not carved, but they were somehow smoother than they should have been. Roots and stalactites hung from the ceiling, mirroring the beauty of the water with the harsh reality of the earth. 

That said, the duality of water and rock was overshadowed by the structure that occupied the opposite shore. Once, it had been a beautiful multi-armed statue in a serene pose. Now, all but one of those arms had broken off—two of which were lying in the sand next to the structure. Much of the detail had eroded away, leaving only a smooth impression of what had once been a thriving place. However, it was still possible to see that the head had two faces, and the door within the stomach area was easily visible. 

Rainbow laughed. “Sweet! I’m gonna check it out!” She darted across the lake without waiting for confirmation. 

“...How will we cross?” Jack asked. “We do not have wings.”

Jake squished himself into an inflatable raft for two. “All aboard!”

Jack took a moment to examine Jake before stepping in. “Your powers are versatile, Jake.”

“Yep! I’m the best, thanks for noticing.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “He still has no idea how they work.”

“And you know what?” Jake smirked. “I think it’s better that I’m a mystery wrapped in an enigma. It means I’m always learning new things about myself!”

“A wise sentiment,” Jack said. 

They reached the other side in less than a minute. Rainbow was waiting for them, grinning. 

“So! I’ve found a lot of worn-down stone, some ancient petrified wood, a crystal platform that’s been shattered, and this cool statue!” She held up a small figure in her wings: female, holding a white diamond-shaped crystal in her arms. 

“Sweet!” Finn shouted. “That’s going in the loot pack!” He took off his backpack and opened it up. “Hopefully we’ll fill this whole thing by the end of the day.”

Rainbow tossed it in. “We split it at the end, right?”

“Duh, of course.” 

Jack moved past them and up to the door, tracing his finger over it. Unlike the stone of the statue, the turquoise door was in perfect condition. A five-pointed star sat at the door’s upper half, studded with a blue, white, red, purple, and pink gemstone. He tapped the star, but nothing happened. 

“Yeah, that’s not gonna open easily. I already tried.” Rainbow glanced at one of her back hooves. “Luckily I didn’t crack it this time…”

Jack pulled out his electric trident and tapped the door with it, sending an electric shock into the smooth material. Nothing happened. He took a step back and turned to Jake. 

Jake took in a deep breath. “All right, it always falls to me, doesn’t it?” He twisted his fist into a drill with five points, hitting the door straight on the gemstones. Instead of giving way, the door began to glow a brilliant white. 

A pulse of energy surged up Jake’s arm. For a moment, he shifted into a blue color, gaining several eyes. This prompted him to pull his arm back, reverting to his normal yellow dog state. “What in the—”

The door exploded, showering all of them in a white light. 

Finn thought he heard a scream come from everywhere at once.
> XV - Party Postulations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Parties are there with every culture throughout history. Even those robots who claim to be without emotion had days where they sat and observed the sun rise while remembering their history. It was the worst party in the history of the world, but it was still a party.

I have a distaste for parties. It seems as though they’re engineered to make sure you know exactly how much more fun everyone is having than you. The only good kind of party is one that you set up to get something out of the partygoers. 

Yet, despite parties being a central part of Equestrian culture, the ponies rarely use their parties for any sort of point. They just like to have fun throwing parties, to the extent that there is probably a big one going on somewhere every day. Even the expert “party ponies” somehow keep their innocence. 

Usually. 


~~~


Pinkie pulled the candy throne’s cushion up, investigating the underside. Bringing her magnifying glass closer, she found a half-finished triangle carved into the seat’s frame. “Hmmm…”

“What, did you find a clue?” Marceline said, smirking. 

“Yes, actually, an incomplete triangle carving,” Pinkie said, gesturing. “I have no idea what it means, but it looks recent! It could have something to do with the King’s disappearance…”

Marceline rolled her eyes. “I think he just forgot about us. Or, alternatively, wanted to avoid talking to us.”

“Hmm…” Pinkie said, climbing to the top of the throne and leaning over the backside, finding more scratches there. Before she could get any closer, there was a shout. 

“What are you doing on my throne!?”

Pinkie let out a “yipe!” and jumped next to Marceline, immediately entering a bow. “I am so, so, so sorry, Your Highness! We thought you had vanished and were investigating to figure out what had happened to you so we might save you!”

“Hmm…” The King of Ooo approached Pinkie. He was a short man with waxy yellow skin, a beard that looked like a cotton ball, and an unnaturally smooth mustache. The robe he wore was so large it increased his volume at least threefold, the dull yellows and oranges of the cloth accenting his own muted color scheme. Motion was not easy in the oversized garment, but he managed to look regal as he walked to Pinkie. He leaned forward, holding out a scepter to Pinkie’s head. “I could always use more people as concerned for my safety as you are.”

Pinkie kept her head down. “I’m no more concerned than your banana guards, Your Highness.”

“Those idiots?” the King chuckled. “They’re concerned, but they don’t even know what an investigation is! You, I can tell, have the spark of someone who’ll stop at nothing to save her King from the clutches of whatever evil seeks to threaten the Candy Kingdom!” He hefted his scepter into the air. 

“I am sorry, Your Highness, but I cannot be your private investigator. I am Ambassador Pinkie Pie of Equestria.”

The King stopped. “Y-you’re not one of my subjects?”

“No, Your Highness.”

The King coughed. “Well then, uh, rise! Yes, rise!”

Pinkie pie jumped up from her bow, grinning. “Thank you!”

“And thank you, Ambassador Ponkle Donk, for showing such initiative and devotion to me! It appears my popularity has spread beyond the borders of the Candy Kingdom!” 

“...Sure.”

The King sat in his throne, looking down at Pinkie, Marceline, and the banana guards with an expression of mixed contempt, curiosity, and mild boredom. Behind this veneer, however, were baggy eyes and a tired mouth. “So, right, what brings you here Pringle Pin?”

Pinkie had no issue letting his name butchering slide—he probably met a lot of people in his position, and names were hard. “I have come, representing the Princesses of Equestria, hoping to establish contact with the new ruler of the Candy Kingdom—you! We have had a rocky relationship in the past with your kingdom, to say the least, and we’re hoping that this new opportunity can open doors for friendship and harmony!”

“And why am I interested in these things?”

“Uh... “ Pinkie scratched her chin. “We could initiate trade with you, exchange gifts of our cultures, help in keeping the animals from eating your settlement—”

“Really?” The King stood up. “You have gifts?”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “That wasn’t the main point, but yes! Gifts aplenty! First of all…” She pulled a daisy sandwich out of her mane, specifically avoiding pulling out a cupcake. “A taste of Equestrian cuisine, should you wish it.”

The King jumped to her, swiped the sandwich, and jumped back to the throne, biting into the sandwich. “Mmm. Yes. Quite. They don’t serve fresh food like this around here, it’s all processed sugar. I keep asking for other food but they always complain about ‘the farms being abandoned’ and ‘produce not surviving the trip.’ “ He bit in again. “Quite annoying, I’m sure you understand.”

Pinkie had to force herself to keep the smile. “Yes…” She noticed Marceline had the smuggest expression plastered on her face. They did try to warn me… but I’m sure I can get through to him! “But we can help you with that too! I’m sure the Princesses would be willing to use the power of the earth pony to get the best crops out of the earth!”

“Your kind are farmers?”

“Well, I’m not, I’m a pastry chef, party planner, and ambassador. But most earth ponies are really good with the crops and stuff! I’m sure they’d serve you well, Your Highness.”

“Great! Send several of them over the instant you can!”

Pinkie blinked. “Forgive me, Your Highness, but… what do we get in return?”

The King stared at her blankly. 

“I’m sure we’ll send some over, but our nations need a relationship. They flow both ways. Usually this is established over trade—”

“Yes, yes, whatever, talk to Toronto, he handles all trade negotiations, you have my blessing.” The King waved his hand dismissively. He looked about ready to end the conversation—but then there was a glint in his eyes. “Hold on, did you say you were a party planner?”

“Yes, your majesty. That’s my special talent!” She pointed at her flank, grinning. 

“Splendid, splendid! You will organize a royal party for tonight!”

“...Okay!” Pinkie’s grin widened. “I’ll throw you a party you’ll never forget! I hope you like Equestrian party materials!”

“Anything would be better than the balls. Ugh. I’ve been in charge for a few weeks and I’m already tired of them. I need something wild that makes full use of my power and all this excess money I’ve got lying around!”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Hmm… I’ll put all of it to the best possible use.”

“Great!” The King stood up. “Let Toronto know, he’ll give you anything you need. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with a royal bath that’ll last quite some time! How long? Who knows! That’s the beauty of it!” He winked before skipping away through a hall door.

Pinkie sucked in a deep breath and let it out to calm herself. After she was sure the King was out of earshot, she turned to Marceline. “Okay, you’re right, he’s…”

“An incompetent arrogant paranoid numbskull whose ideas are so self-centered he can’t see the kingdom falling apart?” Marceline asked. 

“I wouldn’t say that, exactly…”

“You’re too nice, that’s why you wouldn’t.” Marceline folded her arms. “Why’d you agree to throw the party?”

“Well, a few reasons. One, I don’t think refusing would have gone over well. Two, I love throwing parties. Three, he needs a friend and this is a good way to get him one. Four… this will give me an opportunity to investigate the palace.”

“Investigate? The King was just late.”

“There’s something else going on here, I’m sure of it. Those pyramids outside aren’t normal and things are falling apart faster than they should.” She scratched her chin, grinning. “We’ve got a mystery on our hooves—and hands—Marcie. My Pinkie Sense is a-tinglin’ and it isn’t because of the party. No, a festival!” She jumped into the air. “I’m going to throw a festival! A festival of Hooves and Hands to bring pony and candy traditions together!”

“And you’re going to throw this massive festival while also investigating a mystery that doesn't exist?”

“Yes!”

“You’re insane.”

“Don’t underestimate the party pony,” Pinkie giggled. “I’ll have this entire hall decorated so quickly it’ll make your head spin. Bring on the presents, the refreshments, the games! I’ll mesh the festivities together. ...Where can we find that Dirt Beer Guy? He seemed like the sort to really know the culture around here!”

“He’s pretty much always at the candy tavern, but…” Marceline stopped herself. “You know what, nevermind. You do this. I want to see how crazy you can really get.”

“Be careful what you wish for!” Pinkie jumped to the banana guards. “You, can you put out an announcement that Ambassador Pinkie Pie is throwing a Festival of Hooves and Hands tonight? Spread the word!”

“Yes, Ambassador!” one of them said, running off quickly. 

“Marceline! Can you get as much money out of Toronto as possible for this and then dump half of it into a charity?”

“That’ll be easy,” the Vampire said, baring her fangs.

“Sweet! And I…” She pulled a balloon out of her mane and let it drift to the ceiling. “Am going to learn everything I can about candy parties.” She ran out the throne room doors, ready to grill Dirt Beer Guy. 

She stopped at one of the pyramids outside the castle. She traced her hoof across it, getting a twitchy feeling in the back of her neck. It was almost certainly a result of her Pinkie Sense, but she hadn’t felt this particular response before. She didn’t know what it meant. 

That didn’t matter—something was afoot. And she was gonna find out what. With investigation and parties. Because that was the way of the Pink Party Pony. 


~~~


“Hey, Toronto!”

The brown dog stood perfectly still at the sound of Marceline’s voice.

“Ah, you remember!” She floated in front of the dog and put a sharp finger under his jaw, tilting his head up. “Good. That’ll make this easy. Your good friend Koo has asked to take money out of the treasury so a friend of mine can throw a party.” She leaned in, baring her fangs and coiling her tongue around each sharp tooth in turn. Toronto could only whimper. “How’s about you take out as much money as you possibly can for this, hmm? I would be most…” She leaned in toward his neck. “...grateful.”

“S-s-s-sure,” Toronto stammered. “Ten thousand chips!”

Marceline retracted all her threats and patted Toronto on the head. “Good dog. Now run along. I’m sure Pinkie will invite you to the festival too. You can do your little exploiting thing and I won’t even stop you! Sound nice?”

Toronto was already running to the treasury. 

“Heh.” Marceline moved to return to Pinkie—but she noticed something watching her from one of the castle’s many doorways. A small creature in a yellow robe, holding a camera. “What are you lookin—”

The camera’s flash went off, blinding Marceline. When her vision cleared, there was nothing there. 

Marceline frowned. ...Nah, Pinkie’s crazy, there’s nothing extra weird going on. That was just some guy looking for a picture of the scary vampire queen. They never have the gall to actually talk to me. Putting a smile back on her face, she drifted away.
> XVI - Oh Deer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate animals. 

I never understood the point of them, really, besides good eating. They’re smelly, stinky, and don’t make a lick of sense. At least people make sense some of the time. Animals? They’ll just wander around, do something random, make you think they’re your friend… and then freak out and scratch you across the face. Or roll in the mud and track it in your house. Or leave a rat at your doorstep. Or are a rat. 

Rats…

People who choose to spend their time out in “nature” are probably suffering from some kind of mental illness. The cat lady is bad enough, but at least she tries to keep the mongrels civilized. That guy who goes out into the forest and tries to become one of those mongrels better prepare himself for the march of civilization! 

Nature is eternal. But civilization never suffers more than a temporary setback. 


~~~


Twilight and Bonnibel marched through the Candy Floss Forest towards the northern end of the Candy Kingdom. The pink, fluffy trees swayed in the gentle breeze, only occasionally interrupted by a leafy plant. 

“Fascinating…” Twilight said, teleporting a sample of the tree to her for examination. “Life infused with the essence of candy itself. Usually such phenomena are localized and can’t spread. But there are entire ecosystems of candy here, of varying kinds!”

“It is a mystery why candy is so sensitive to magic.” Bonnibel traced her hands along one of the trees’ bark. “I wonder if it has something to do with the molecular structure of sugar on the quantum level, but we lack the devices required for that sort of research.”

“Makes you wish you could go back to the past, huh?”

Bonnibel smiled weakly. “Maybe… but there wouldn’t be enough magic there to run the tests.”

“Ooooh, right.” Twilight scratched her chin. 

Bonnibel raised the binoculars to her eyes and looked to the north. “There. We’ve got rising smoke.”

Twilight followed her gaze. Before them was a large icy mountain range. Sure enough, there was a thin trail of smoke in the far distance, heralding the impact site’s location. It was still a fair way out, but now they would be sure not to miss it. 

With a burst of her wings, Twilight lifted into the air, hoping she could get a better vantage point of what it was. Unfortunately, it was hidden behind distant, greener trees. The further away from the Candy Capital she looked, the less common the candy floss trees became. 

Twilight dove back to the ground. “Nothing useful from up there.” She knew she could fly there in less than a minute, but she wasn’t about to leave Bonnibel behind. They were going to discover this together. 

“Right… I guess we just keep moving, then.” Bonnibel adjusted her shirt and continued hiking. Twilight caught sight of the shotgun on Bonnibel’s back once more, a reminder of what this part of the world was capable of. At this point she wasn’t afraid of Bonnibel doing anything with it. She was afraid of what sorts of things made someone like Bonnibel carry that thing around. 

As they trotted along, the trees became more mixed between sugary floss and leafy greens. The ground gave way to more regular dirt, allowing Twilight to feel more at home. This was no dark Everfree Forest, it was just a forest, one of the most common things on the planet. One verdant glade among many. 

It was quiet. This unnerved Twilight—there should be birds at this time of day, singing. But there was nothing. Only the sound of their footsteps. Not even a single rustle in the trees. 

“Hey.”

Twilight and Bonnibel both jumped. Twilight lit her horn while Bonnibel pulled out her shotgun, both aimed right at the interruption: a woman with green skin, leaves for hair, and branches sticking out of her head that resembled deer antlers. She was currently hanging upside-down from the trees, staring at the two of them with a blank, fearless expression. 

Bonnibel lowered her shotgun first. “Huntress Wizard!? Why did you sneak up on us like that?”

“Habit.” She dropped to the ground, landing on her feet with grace and hardly a sound. “It pays to stay quiet when hunting. Which I’m having trouble doing, since all the animals fled after the crash.”

“Oh, do you know what it is?” Twilight asked, trusting Bonnibel that this woman was no threat.

“No. I ran too.”

“From it?” Bonnibel cocked her head.

“No. Falling space rocks of cataclysm are nothing to be concerned about,” she deadpanned. “I’m running from the only creature in this forest that didn’t flee. It is an affront to nature packaged in the form of a mundane animal, a twister of anti-reality compounded within the facade of innocence, a being of eternal doom that could end all of us with a blink should such thoughts amuse it.” 

Twilight and Bonnibel stared at her blankly. 

“I suggest turning back to minimize the chance you’ll run into it.” Huntress Wizard nodded curtly at both of them before jumping into a nearby tree. “Or you can run headfirst into danger. That works too.” One more jump and she was gone. 

An eerie breeze blew between Bonnibel and Twilight. 

“...She didn’t tell us what it looked like,” Twilight observed.

“No. No she did not.”

“Well, we’re not turning back.”

“Who would?”

“Exactly.” 

Neither one of them made a move to go deeper into the forest. 

“Is she trustworthy…?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t know her that well,” Bonnibel said. “She’s just Huntress Wizard. She knows the wilderness better than anyone.”

“Does she have a name?”

“Probably. I have no idea what it is.”

“Oh.”

They continued to stand around awkwardly.

“This is ridiculous,” Twilight grunted, focusing energy into her horn. A small bubble shield appeared around her and Bonnibel, coating the nearby landscape in an amethyst glow. “There. Protection.”

Bonnibel shrugged. “Good enough for me.”

Now forced to walk in line with one another, they continued through the forest. They saw no animals and heard no birds the entire journey. Their company was occupied by plants, and even those were kept at arm’s length by the barrier. This should have been bearable—after all, they had each other—but they were both looking around in paranoia for the monstrosity their visitor had described. The only thing that hadn’t run away. It would no doubt be the only thing they saw. 

So when they saw the deer they both freaked out. Twilight froze and Bonnibel armed the shotgun, realizing a second later it would be exceptionally foolish to fire that thing while inside the bubble shield. 

The deer paid them no mind whatsoever. It scratched its antlers on the trunk of a nearby tree, let out a soft grunt, and started eating the grass. 

“...I think it’s just a deer,” Bonnibel whispered. 

“But she said all the animals fled,” Twilight whispered back. 

“It doesn't seem scared of us, perhaps it has no flight or fight instincts.”

“He. That’s a stag.”

“You’re concerned about the deer’s gender?”

“It’s important to be accurate.”

“True…” Bonnibel watched as the deer trotted past them and started munching on a bush. “I still think he’s just a deer.”

“I’m gonna drop the shield, see if he reacts… then I’m going to scan him.”

“Okay.” Bonnibel hefted up the shotgun again. 

With a tense face, Twilight dissipated the bubble shield. The natural color returned to the world. For a moment, the deer glanced at them, taking in their sudden change in appearance. Then, without much fanfare, he returned to munching on the plant.

Lighting her horn, Twilight performed a simple scan. She discovered fur, organs, bones, and a simple animal-level brain. Magic levels were normal and there was no physical sign of fear anywhere in his body. “You might be right,” Twilight said, dropping the whisper. “I can’t find any tense muscles, nervous energy, or anything on him. He might just not be able to experience fear.”

Bonnibel walked up to him. “Poor thing. It’s a miracle you survived this long.”

The deer lifted its head to look at her. It snorted in her face. 

Twilight snickered. “I think he likes you.”

“He has just recognized my pre—” The deer licked Bonnibel. She jumped back with a scream, whipping out her shotgun and trembling. Her finger tensed on the trigger.

The deer turned away from her, caring not from the scream. 

“Bonnie…”

“Twilight. Does he have hands?”

“What?”

“His hooves, Twilight!” Bonnibel was almost shouting. “Does he have beeble-blorbing hands!?”

“No, geez, of course not! He just has hooves! He’s a completely ordinary deer! Calm down, he didn’t do anything to you…”

Trembling, Bonnibel put the shotgun away and sat on the ground, breathing heavily.

“Are you…”

“We were invaded by a deer with hands,” Bonnibel explained. “It… it tried to eat all of us. Slowly. Very slowly. I can’t be broken down, I’m bubblegum, but…” She looked away. 

Carefully, Twilight sat down next to her. She spread her wing out one inch at a time, eventually coming to wrap it around Bonnibel’s seated form. “This deer is not that deer. And that deer’s not coming back, is it?”

“No. It’s not.” Bonnibel laughed nervously. “That deer is never coming back.”

The finality of that statement gave Twilight pause. 

The deer in front of them sat down, munching on some grass. 

“You really have no sense of fear, do you, fella?” Bonnibel asked the deer. Shakily, she reached out a hand and pet him. He didn’t flinch—if anything, he leaned in closer so she could scratch him better. “Just a simple deer.”

“Huntress Wizard got us spooked, didn’t she?”

“She totally did.” Taking a deep breath, Bonnibel removed Twilight’s wing from her and stood up. “That’s enough of dealing with random deer-trauma, it’s time for what we came for: the impact site!”

“Right!” Twilight saluted, falling in step behind her. 

The deer trotted along behind Twilight. 

“Uh… it looks like we have a tag along.” 

“You are a quadruped,” Bonnibel pointed out. “He might think you are the closest thing to his herd.”

Twilight lifted her head up high. “After we’re done with this, we’re helping him find his herd.”

“Sure. As long as they don’t have hands. If they have hands…” 

“Let’s not dwell on that. Let’s just make the most of our new deer friend!” She glanced at the deer, smiling. “We should name him.”

“What?”

“I don’t know, something… nature-like.”

“Apex?”

“...I was thinking Daffodil. What does Apex have to do with nature?”

“Apex predator.”

“He’s a deer.”

“Who shows no fear.” 

Twilight mulled this over. “Fair enough. Apex it is.”

Bonnibel smirked. “What about… Apex Daffodil?”

Twilight let out a little squee. “Perfect! Apex Daffodil! Hey, hear that Apex Daffodil? That’s your new na—” her words caught in her throat.

Apex Daffodil had stretched his neck to thirteen times its original length, getting to the leaves at the top of one of the tallest trees. Lasers shot out of his eyes, burning the tree’s thorns away so he could get a good snacking in. After completing his meal, his neck returned to its original state and he started scratching his horns against a nearby tree trunk. His color shifted to bright green.

Bonnibel and Twilight stared at him in stunned silence. 

He continued eating. They weren’t moving, so he might as well make use of the opportunity to feast.
> XVII - The Disheveled Spaces
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

All things considered, Euclidean geometry is boring. What bozo decided there were only three dimensions to space, huh? Why do I turn the corner three times and end up back where I started? Why does that always have to be the case?

Well, as it turns out, it doesn’t. That’s just the default state of the universe. If you’re a wizard or a particularly insane scientist, you won’t even have to work that hard to alter the normal properties of space. And I’m not talking about all that gravity distortion and time dilation nonsense, I’m talking about re-arranging space itself into mazes that boggle the mind. Turn left, you actually turned right. Exit a room, you’ll find that you appear in the room you just left, but the size of a mouse. And, of course, you can always make things bigger on the inside. 

Then again you’d only do that if you watched too much British television. Probably. 

Regardless, there is a drawback to these locations—they can mess up the flow of space something fierce. This is why most of them are sealed behind special doors or walls, so they can fuse with an orderly section of normal space. Blow that containment and, well, things could get scrambled any number of ways. When space is supposed to be twisted impossibly, messing with it might remove what little order it had. 


~~~


Jack was aware of the color white and flying through the air. He twisted around so he was facing legs forward and curled into a ball. A rush of wind blew through the cracks in his armor, telling him something was close. Extending his legs in the nick of time, he entered a roll. Had the ground been sufficiently solid, he likely would have pulled off a perfect landing. As it was, the loose bits of metal under his feet shifted, forcing him to fall flat on his stomach. 

At least he hadn’t suffered any injuries, as far as he could tell.

Slowly, the white light began to abate, revealing the scene he was in. He was lying in what appeared to be a trash heap of various odds and ends. Most were metallic, though he spotted a few random objects of glass and even some wood that hadn’t rotted away. Most of it was covered in dust, excepting the objects he had disturbed in his landing. Beyond the heap was a cavern of purple crystals that went off into nothingness. 

The nothingness piqued his curiosity. Jumping off the pile of junk, he landed on a ledge that overlooked blackness. He stuck one of his swords out into the blackness and waved it around, finding no negative effects. Carefully, he leaned over the edge, looking down. 

There was nothing. As far as he could tell, the opening he stood in was all there was. Looking around the edge, he found that the outer walls of the cavern didn't manifest in the blackness. The opening might well have been a two-dimensional painting in endless nothing.

“Wow, that’s a pretty sick view.”

Jack tensed, relaxing the second he recognized it was nothing more than Jake the dog. “Yes.”

Jake stretched all around the darkness. “Wow! There’s not even a back side to this thing! It’s just… black! I wonder what happens when I try to…” 

Part of Jake’s arm appeared next to Jack, starting just at the edge of the portal. Soon, Jake’s head poked through as well, just floating there, separate from the rest of his body. 

“Cool…” He stretched out further, making another loop around the darkness, popping into existence next to the samurai again. “I’m one dog, but in three parts! Hahahah!”

“Perhaps we shouldn’t mess with unstable space?” Jack suggested.

“Oh, fine…” Jake retracted himself until he was normal size. “Hey Finn! You gotta check this out!”

No response came. 

“Finn?”

“I do not believe he or Rainbow are here,” the samurai said, returning to the cavern and the pile of junk. 

“Oh.” Jake scratched his jowls. “Then let’s go find 'em before some crazy monster eats them.”

“Or they fall in the darkness.”

Jake let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, that’d be bad.”

Jack walked along the edge of the cavern, finding another opening in the crystalline walls. As he traced his fingers along the edges, he moved forward, always on guard. Jake moved with nonchalance and pretend serenity, which was fine, as far as Jack was concerned. He could be observant enough for the both of them. 

They soon came to another, unique pile of junk with an exit to the cave that led not to darkness, but to a realm made entirely of pink clouds. Carefully, the samurai tested to make sure the fluffy ground was solid. Finding it was, he left the cave entirely. 

He was rather disappointed to find that there was nothing in the new area besides pink clouds. They stood on solid fluff while the sky above them was bright but overcast with similarly colored strata. There was nothing here, as far as he could tell.

He turned to go back. He saw Jake—he didn’t see the doorway.

“Would you look at that?” The dog smirked. “One-way door! You don’t see those too often!”

“No…” Jack said, immediately suspicious. Yet, taking another look around, he saw nothing at all. 

“Hmm.” Jake traced a finger through the clouds and put it in his mouth. “Bleh, that’s just clouds. I wish it was cotton candy.”

For a split second, the ground turned into cotton candy, complete with sticky floss and cones. There was a garbling noise that made Jake cover his ears, and then they were gone. 

“What the—?” The dog stared at the ground. “...I wish for cotton candy!”

A piece of cotton candy appeared in the air—followed quickly by a garbled noise and then nothing. 

Jack furrowed his brow. “I wish for cotton candy.”

Nothing happened. 

Jake clapped his paws together. “Hah! The wish machine only likes me!”

“The broken wish machine.”

“Eh, good point.”

“But even a broken wish machine might be of some use,” Jack admitted, tapping the side of his armor in thought. “Perhaps it can take us to Finn and Rainbow?”

“Hey, wishy clouds!” Jake called. “I wish that you’d teleport us to Finn!”

With a puff, the clouds were gone. They could see Finn, lying on shallow watery ground, rubbing his head. The noise returned and everything was clouds once again.

“Ugh, I need more time than that! Hey room, I wi—”

“Stop,” Jack said, holding up a hand. “We were not teleported.”

“Huh? Dude, he was right there!”

“That was fake. We did not leave this room. The clouds changed shape to become what you asked for.”

“They don’t stay that way very long…” Jake grunted. “I wish for a sandwich.” It appeared in his hands and vanished before he took a bite. “...This is ridiculous.”

“It appears to know where Finn is, though. I did not recognize where he was, did you?”

“Nope.”

“Then even if it can’t answer wishes, it can answer questions.” Jack tapped his helmet. “Ask it for a map of the temple.”

“It’ll just vanish, man.”

“We’re going to ask for it multiple times and memorize it. Then we’re going to ask it to show us where Finn is. Then we’ll ask for the secret of leaving this room.”

“Whoa… that’s clever. I wish I could think of things like that.” He coughed. “Well, time to get wishin’.”


~~~


Finn woke up to the sight of a rainbow-maned horse inches from his face. 

“...I can feel the moisture in your breath,” Finn deadpanned.

“Sweet, you’re awake!” Rainbow grinned. “I was worried I was gonna have to smack you to get you up!”

Finn slowly sat up, rubbing his head. “I have a bad enough headache, thank you.”

“You’d survive.”

“I dunno, given those hooves of yours…”

“Which have cracked, need I remind you?” She flapped a little higher into the air, crossing her front hooves. “I’m not exactly in tip-top condition right now.”

Finn nodded in understanding. Standing up, he took inventory. He had his backpack, the Finn sword, and his hat. He was also soaking wet from sitting in the shallow pool of water for so long. Looking down, he discovered he was on top of a smooth, wet disc that produced an eternal waterfall that fell into the darkness below. “...Whoa.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said when I got here,” Rainbow said, flapping over to another wet disc. “There’s tons of these things. Water’s pure, as far as I can tell.”

“Weird…” Finn furrowed his brow. “Wait, how the flip did we get here?”

“Door exploded, space screamed, everything went flying. Jake probably shouldn’t have busted the door open.”

“Yeah. But what else were we gonna do, leave it?”

Rainbow shrugged noncommittally. 

“Seen Jake or Jack?”

“Nope,” Rainbow said. “Just you.”

“Right…” Finn jumped off the watery platform and onto another one. “Then we’ve got to go find them.” He jumped again, stumbling as he landed this time.

“Oh for Celestia’s sake…” Rainbow rushed forward and hooked her hooves under Finn’s arms. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it was functional. She lifted him into the air and carried him over numerous platforms without any ill-advised jumping. They made quick progress, passing by several dozen waterfalls, including one that was upside-down. There was also a random pile of junk floating in midair, though they sped past that.

“You know, I thought flying would be cooler.”

“This isn’t flying,” Rainbow grunted. “This is lugging heavy cargo around…”

“I’m not that big.”

“Yeah, well… uh… hey look, a way out!”

Rainbow flew them through a doorway that took them away from the waterfalls and into a solid orange room. In the center of the ceiling was a heart-like structure made entirely of red crystal. Dozens of veins spiraled off the heart toward the walls of the room, but the vast majority were damaged or shattered. The only crystal artery in perfect condition was a massive one that led into a hole in the floor. 

“Whoa… a heart!” Rainbow gasped, setting Finn down. “Are we inside a building or a creature?”

“It can be both,” Finn said. “I’ve seen it before. Though with more… squishy parts.”

“A building that was a creature? You’re joking.”

“Nah, it’s totally normal. I mean, we’re in one right now, aren’t we?”

“We don’t know that.”

“I know that there’s a crystal tube leading into the ground from a heart, it probably goes somewhere important!” He jumped onto the tendril and slid down it like a fire pole. 

“Finn!”

Finn didn’t even try to slow down. He descended below the floor into absolute darkness. Above, there was only the tendril and a red circle that led to the heart’s room. Below, there was a dark red circle—one that presumably led to another room. 

He arrived first. The main tendril entered the new room, but instead of dropping straight down it twisted to the side, adhering to the shape of the ceiling. Below him there was a circular room made of brick all centered around a pit of lava in the center not unlike a forge. 

The air was hot and dry, though not so much so that Finn felt he was in danger. He dropped to the ground, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Was I right or was I right?”

Rainbow descended from the ceiling, flapping to his side. “Yeah, yeah, this looks important. Though empty.”

“Not entirely…” Finn noticed something green floating near the edge of the room. Approaching, he found it to be a magic bubble of some kind, enclosing a teardrop-shaped gemstone. 

“Whoa… Treasure…” Rainbow said. 

“I saw it first, it’s mine,” Finn said. 

“Wh—hey! We’re gonna split the treasure!”

“And if we don’t find anything else, this is mine.” Finn crossed his arms. “Finders keepers!”

“If we find something else I’m gonna call finders keepers on it.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s the point.”

Rainbow stared at him blankly. 

“Aaaaanyway…” Finn drew his sword and poked the bubble. It popped easily, dropping the blue gemstone into Finn’s outstretched hand. He moved to pocket it, but it started glowing long before he could do that. 

The teardrop floated into the air, blue light flashing off of it in several directions. Slowly, a form composed of white energy began to take shape around the magic crystal, developing a bipedal form. A loose dress, swirling in a nonexistent breeze, manifested around the figure. Color surged into the figure, banishing the white light with a more solid appearance. 

She—for it was clearly a she—was colored almost exclusively with blues from the tips of her shoes to the folds of her dress to the tufts of her short hair. Her dress was a darker blue than the rest of her, the same as her hair, and while it was simple in design it did have a single star at the base of her neck and a bow just above her back, where the gemstone itself sat. 

Slowly, she sank, feet alighting on the hot ground with a soft sizzle. She opened and closed her hands a few times, feeling the air around her. With a deep sigh, she opened her eyes and took in the room, stopping only momentarily on Rainbow and Finn. 

“Of course…” she said, frown deepening. “Of course she did…”

Finn cleared his throat, grabbing her attention. “Uh, hi there. I’m Finn the Human, and this is Rainbow Dash. We’re here to… rescue you?”

“...Rescue me?”

“Well, you were trapped in a bubble and you look like a princess. Are you a princess? A… gemstone Princess?”

“A Gem Princess…?” For the slightest moment, a smile came to her face as she let out an amused snort. “I’m... Lapis Lazuli.”
> XVIII - Balloons and Banana Guards
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pyramids still exist, by the way. The Mushroom War came, destroyed the world, but the Pyramids remain. Something tickled the brains of those Egyptians enough to build massive tombs that would stand the test of eons, ensuring they remained. 

The Egyptian Pyramids were not the only triangular relics that the Earth had, but they are the longest lasting. They’re currently right smack-dab in the middle of the Dead Side of the Earth, so tourism is a little low, but it just goes to show that, even without maintenance, the piles of blocks remain strong. Stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the fact that not only is their era gone, but has been replaced with new eras multiple times. 

This long-lasting nature has prompted many to come up with wild conspiracy theories about the Pyramids. Some of them are almost right. 


~~~


“All right Marcie, hit it!” 

Marceline twirled her axe-bass in her left hand before strumming up an energetic beat. Pinkie began to tap her hoof in time with the beat, her grin slowly widening. The moment Marceline let out a powerful chord, Pinkie jumped through the front doors of the castle and slapped a table on the ground. “Let’s get this party-setup started!”

The banana guards in the hall stopped talking amongst each other and stared at her in shock. Pinkie winked at one of them and started singing, a slow tune following her voice.

“Oh, look at the state of this palace! 
Now, I don’t mean to be callous,
But this isn’t what a party needs at all!”

She jumped to the banana guards, and the tempo jumped with her.

“You, to the kitchen, order a feast!
One for the most ravenous of beasts!
And you, bring supplies for this great party of all!"

“Yes ma’am!" they sang, saluting and running off in several directions. 

Marceline looked on, shocked at the activity exploding around her. After a moment she found herself joining the song, fingers never leaving her bass.

“Crazy pink pony, 
Starting a party,
A Festival of Hooves and Hands
Unbelievable!”

As the remaining banana guards joined in on the last line Pinkie jumped over Marceline’s head, flicking her ears in every direction. 

“You better believe it, Marceline,
We’ll make the party of his dream."

The party pony swung her hoof around dramatically.

"Oh, what does he like, what does he hold dearest?”

A banana guard scratched his head. “Uh, he kinda likes mushrooms for some reason? And his own face.”

"Perfect!"

Pinkie proceeded to jump to the kitchen where the feast was already underway. She hummed to the music as she took over the construction of a pizza, arranging the mushrooms on it into the shape of the King of Ooo’s face. 

“Well, there’s the hands of the festival,
But the hooves need a pedestal!
Who or what could represent them the clearest?”

Gasping, Pinkie got an idea. She slapped a bunch of bell peppers in the shape of Celestia’s face on the next pizza, throwing it in with the King of Ooo’s for cooking. She quickly jumped back to the main hall, where the banana guards were tripping over themselves bringing ball supplies in. She took over for them, jumping around the hall at an alarming rate. Tables were set, food was arranged, and streamers were laced around the ceiling like a spider’s web. 

Marceline chuckled, continuing to strum her bass. Her lines were once again supported by a chorus of banana guards

“She’s sure tryin’ it,
Down to the last bit,
A Festival of Hooves and Hands,
So impossible!”

“We’re just getting started!” Pinkie called, the music taking on a more regimented tone as she took a deep breath. “We need…
An excess of iced cake layers
Pin the tail on the pony players
More imported lemon candies
Some old Equestrian shanties
Your sweet syrup powerade
A new banana guard parade
Our festive alicorn pinata
And one ancient flute sonata
But last, and certainly not least…”

As she dragged out the last line and the music  started to build up, the workers of the kitchen ran into the hall, a mix of banana guards and other candy people, carting with them fully cooked pizzas topped with the faces of several individuals. Mostly individuals of the candy kingdom, but Pinkie saw a few of the Princesses and even one of herself. 

Pinkie grinned, taking one last breath. “...You can’t have a festival without the feast!”

Marceline strummed a power chord, bringing the singing to an end. “Wow… that was…” She looked around at the fully decorated hall filled with food, games, chairs, banners, and an unholy number of balloons. “That was impossibly fast…”

“What are you talking about?” Pinkie pointed out the window at an evening sun. 

Marceline gawked at the sun’s position. “But—what!? We’ve only been doing this for a few minutes!”

“Nah, it’s been a couple hours. This sort of thing happens all the time in Equestria. Twilight calls it the Heartsong Montage Effect. I just call it ‘time flies when you’re singing your heart out!’ ”

Marceline glared at the sun for a few moments before shrugging. “Whatever. I’ve always known music had power.”

“And how! Now, for my next trick…” She swapped back into her deerstalker hat and pipe. “Investigation.”

“Of what?”

Pinkie sank to the ground like a cat, slowly approaching a group of banana guards who were talking among themselves. Somehow, not a single one of them noticed her approach, continuing to talk as if there wasn’t a pony predatorily approaching them.

“You think he’s gonna like this?” one of the guards asked, pointing at the mushroom pizza in the shape of his face.

“I think so,” another said.

“He won’t…” a third added. “You know how he’s been. It’s all about those pyramids outside. That’s all he cares about…”

“No, no, he ordered this party! I was here, he was really into it. Like, really into it.”

“He changes his mind every other day, now.”

Pinkie had lost track of which one was talking at this point. “Are you worried?”

“Wh-what? No!”

“He’s no threat, he’s just a waxman,” another guard continued.

“But what if he suddenly decided he likes dungeons?”

“Lemongrab wil—”

“You’re trusting Lemongrab to help!?”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“I prefer the King’s new voice to his screech any day…”

“I just want to guard in peace, y’know?”

“I’m pretty sure guarding isn’t supposed to be peaceful.”

“Yeah, but…”

Their conversation was interrupted by Toronto kicking in the doors. “All right, let’s see how worthless this party… is…” Toronto’s eyes widened as he took in the decorative pizzas, the balloons, the games, and the intricate banners. 

“Do you like it, Toronto?” Pinkie said, rapidly stuffing her hat back in her mane. “I’m sure the King and the people will love it! Bringing Equestria and the Candy Kingdom together!”

“Maybe… maybe you can finally get him out of his funk!” Toronto pointed at the pizza with the King’s face on it. “Look at this! That’s exactly what he needs, yes! He’ll get his mind back to where it’s supposed to be and…” He noticed Pinkie staring at him. “What?”

“What’s wrong with the King…?”

“Nothing! Nothing at all!” Toronto huffed.

“Come on Toronto, I can help!” Pinkie beamed. 

Toronto glared at her. “Nothing. Is. Wrong.”

Pinkie pursed her lips and tapped her hoof. “Well, all right, if you say so. Buuuuut I’ve got some flyers to put out for the Festival of Hooves and Hands! I could rely on word-of-mouth but flyers are, like, always better.”

Toronto relaxed visibly—now she was talking about something he understood: publicity. “I’ve got a great news distribution network just begging to be used. I’ll have them put it up everywhere. I’ll even organize a radio broadcast!”

“Great! Can we put some on those fancy new pyramids?”

“No!” Toronto shouted. “No, no, leave those completely alone. I’ll handle all the flyers.”

“Hmm…” Marceline floated in. “Are you scared, Toronto?”

“Yes, you’re five feet away from me!”

“No, it’s not me, not today…” She leaned in. “I know what that does to you. You’re scared of something else…”

Toronto turned and ran away. “I’ll be sure to get those flyers out! Don’t come looking for me!”

As soon as he was out of the hall, Pinkie put her hat and pipe back on. “Hmm… he’s afraid of the King, isn’t he?”

“Yes.” Marceline frowned. “They’re best friends, partners in crime. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Now do you believe me that something’s up?”

“Fine, fine, maybe you’re right, maybe something is going on.” She folded her arms, thinking. “There was a weird yellow guy who took my picture a while back. I’d never seen him before.”

“The clues just keep piling up! C’mon, the party starts with the night, we only have a few hours to investigate!”

“Investigate where?”

“I have no idea… this way!” She bounced down a random hallway, deeper into the castle.

Marceline facepalmed. “Fine… We’ll do this randomly…”
> XIX - The Greatest
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are a lot of things in space. 

This is nothing compared to the amount of nothing in space. Everywhere there is something, there is more nothing. Even on planets, there is more empty space within atoms than there are particles. Every thing is composed mostly of nothing. 

Still, there are a lot of things in space. Not so much in volume, but variety. Planets, stars, moons, asteroids, comets, space stations, banjo-playing morons floating in bubbles, veins of pure chaotic magic, and people. 

You’d think any person who could get their hands on a spaceship would be at least smarter than average since it’s not exactly easy to get into space. 

You’d be wrong. 


~~~


Bonnibel glanced behind herself. To the casual observer, it was a completely normal scene—a largely deciduous forest with a deer walking between the trees, occasionally stopping to munch on a leaf or two. If said hypothetical observer had been informed that the deer was recently named Apex Daffodil, they would find the name odd, but readily believable. 

To Bonnibel, the sight of Apex Daffodil behind them was terrifying. 

“He’s still following us,” she hissed to Twilight. 

“Yes. Yes he is.”

“What do we do?”

“Nothing,” Twilight said, continuing on her trot to the smoky tendril—which was now close enough for them to smell. “I think he’s just a deer.”

“With abilities I can’t even begin to explain!”

Twilight nodded. “Yes… but he hasn’t tried to harm us, and I really don’t detect anything more going on in his head than basic animal instincts. I think he’s just an enchanted deer.”

“That you can’t sense magic on.”

“I sensed magic while he was using his powers a while back.”

“Yes, but… from where? All magic has a source, unless I’m completely off base.”

“All magic… should have a source.” Twilight stood still for a moment, turning to the unconcerned form of Apex Daffodil. “I just don’t understand where his comes from.”

Apex Daffodil turned his hooves into suction cups and climbed up a particularly tall tree to eat some of its blue fruit. The juices dropped into Bonnibel’s hair. She shivered, but couldn’t take her eyes off the deer. 

“He could destroy us with a thought,” Bonnibel breathed.

“Maybe? He wouldn’t, though. He likes us!”

“You’re way too trusting for a Princess.”

Twilight smirked. “I’ll take that as a compliment. Regardless… we’re almost there. Try to take your mind off Apex Daffodil and let’s make a discovery.” She trotted forward, coming to the edge of the treeline. 

Glancing nervously at Apex Daffodil up in his tree, Bonnibel shook her head and ran after Twilight. She burst through the treeline, ready to take every conceivable measurement she could think of. 

“Get down!” Twilight hissed. 

Bonnibel detected the urgency in her voice and obeyed, dropping to the ground in a roll. She slid up to the rock Twilight was hiding behind and whispered, “What?”

“Look… but be careful.”

Bonnibel peered around the edge of the rock, shotgun at the ready. They were at the edge of an elongated impact crater, telling of an object that had plowed into the earth at an angle. The gash in the earth was long, but they were luckily near the end of it and could see the crashed object clearly. Despite having fallen through the atmosphere on fire, the majority of the object was smooth untarnished chrome in the shape of a skull almost as large as the Candy Kingdom’s castle. The eyes were red-tinted windows, one of which was cracked, while the back of the skull spouted what Bonnibel identified as engines, most of which were smoking. Cracks ran across the jawline, having popped a few of the chrome teeth loose, allowing a brief glimpse into the technologically advanced interior. Bonnibel’s heart fluttered as she made out electric wiring, computers, and lighting elements she couldn’t identify. New technology. 

Unfortunately, this fallen spaceship was not without passengers, and as such accessing the technology wasn’t as simple as walking in and investigating. Surrounding the craft were dozens of short, bipedal aliens with a single eye atop their bodies instead of a head. They wore simple black uniforms with red boots and gloves while their eyeball-heads mounted a helmet, upon which stood a single stylized lighting bolt. The tiny men were rushing around the ship like panicked ants in a frenzied attempt to fix it. Even having no idea what the ship operated on, Bonnibel didn’t give them favorable odds. 

Under normal circumstances, she would have considered walking up to them and talking, offering them assistance. However, every last one of the aliens had a small gun on them. Paired with the uniforms, this led Bonnibel to an uncomfortable conclusion: these were soldiers. There was a significant chance that they were here to invade Ooo, crash or no. 

She was about to suggest to Twilight that they teleport away to get help when two beings walked out of the crashed ship. One was a larger, though still small, eye-alien with a bigger lighting bolt on his head, most likely a higher ranking officer. The other was anything but small—a massive hulk of a being, he moved with power. His crimson robes demanded that people look at him with respect, and his face only cemented that perception. It was not that he was stern-looking, or angry, or some other aspect of his expression that carried him—it was the simple fact that he was a hulking skeleton with unnaturally green eyes and golden lightning bolts for horns. 

This, no doubt, was the leader of these aliens. Bonnibel ran through the options. A necromancer of some kind? Or perhaps he was just one creation of a cosmic necromancer, a tiny pawn in some galactic game they knew nothing about. If they were lucky, that game didn’t involve Ooo at all, and they had just crashed here by accident. 

“Commander Peepers,” the skeleton spoke. The voice was gravelly and deep, but nowhere near as menacing as Bonnibel had expected. There was more than a slight hint of sadness to it, of a man who didn’t fully believe in himself. “How long until we can fly again?”

The larger eye-alien, presumably Peepers, tensed considerably. “Uh, well, Lord Hater, sir, the watchdogs are working as hard as they can to bring us back to operation, sir!” Bonnibel spent the next few moments wondering how, in the world, an eyeball was talking without a mouth. The iris was moving in time with the words - was it a mouth?

“How long, Peepers?” Hater asked, a growl forming in the back of his throat. 

“Uh, w-well, I, er…” Peepers let out a sigh and saluted. “Sir! We would need replacement parts we do not have to fix the Skullship, sir!”

“And where do we get them!?”

“Any spaceport should have it.”

“Then go to a spaceport!”

“We don’t have any orbal juice, sir.” The certainty in Peepers’ voice began to waver. “You used it all last week whe—”

“I SAID DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!” Hater shouted, a fire rising from deep within him that shook past his sullen exterior. “I JUST got that banjo out of my head! And now you put it back…”

“S-sorry sir, won’t happen again.”

“Now… where can we get orbal juice?”

“S-spaceport?” 

Hater facepalmed, dragging his gloved hand over his smooth skull. He let out a dejected sigh and sagged, losing all fire. “Suggestions, Peepers?”

Peepers must’ve known his commander, because the instant Hater sighed, Peepers’ fear was gone. “Right, sir. This is a backwater planet with no orbal juice or replacement parts. It isn’t even part of the galactic charter—an undiscovered nowhere. We can’t expect to find a ship or expect anyone to find us. ...Unless we waited long enough for Lord Dominator to get here, but let’s not think about that.”

“Please.”

“The one good thing this planet has to offer is vast quantities of ambient vis energy. If we can find a way to harness that—perhaps by seeking out the locals—we may be able to create the Skullship’s replacement parts.”

Twilight nudged Bonnibel. “We might be able to help with that.”

“I don’t trust them,” Bonnibel whispered back. “Let’s keep listening before we offer our help.”

Twilight didn’t protest, returning to her silent observance. 

Peepers adjusted his uniform, trying to stand tall and proud, though he barely reached Lord Hater’s waist. “We’ll survive this, sir! We can use what we have at our disposal and get back to space!”

Hater’s forlorn slouch began to vanish. The chuckle came first, followed by a deep, cackling laughter. “Yes! Yes, this is but a temporary setback! We will take whatever power these primitive natives have from their pathetic fingers and return to the stars with a vengeance! The planets we’ve lost will be ours once more, conquered by the only one worthy of conquering! No more will sandwiches, cubes, and that stupid Dominator I don’t care about make fools of me! The universe will remember why they used to call me the Greatest in the Galaxy!” He spread his arms wide, shooting arcs of green lightning into the sky, prompting cheers from the watchdogs. 

Bonnibel glanced at Twilight, both of their expressions matching the other with deep seated worry. They noticed at the same time that Apex Daffodil was standing just behind them. 

“Apex Daffodil…” Twilight hissed. “Get down, before they see y—”

The lightning came back down from the sky and hit Apex Daffodil in the antlers. He was completely unharmed by the event—Bonnibel wasn’t even sure he noticed the lightning struck him—but the shockwave of power tossed Bonnibel and Twilight over the rock and into the plain view of every watchdog and Lord Hater. 

Bonnibel raised her shotgun. “All right, nobody mo—”

“Let’s not be hasty!” Twilight shouted, grinning nervously. “We don’t have to fight! I am Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, and I couldn’t help but overhear that you needed help getting back to… space? W-well, we sure like helping people here, a—”

Lord Hater pointed at her, sending a bolt of lightning right into her horn. The alicorn let out a pained scream before flopping onto the ground, unconscious. 

“Sir!” Peepers shouted. 

“She reminded me of him.” Hater growled. “I wasn’t taking any chances.” 

“But… but… oh who am I kidding, she was clearly trying to put us at ease.” Peepers sighed. “They definitely heard your little talk of conquest and there was no way they’d just help us after that.”

“She might’ve,” Bonnibel said. “I won’t.” She pointed the shotgun at Lord Hater and pulled the trigger. The front of the gun sparked with yellow light, exploding in a ring of energy parallel to a beam of pure golden light. It sailed true, right for Hater’s head. 

He held out a hand, blocking the attack with a green forcefield. “Good…” he said, grinning. “They rarely fight back properly.”

Bonnibel readied the shotgun again. “I’ve got more where that came from!”

“And so do I,” Hater said, sneering. “Watchdogs! Capture her. And the deer, while you’re at it.”

Bonnibel suddenly remembered the several dozen aliens swarming around the crash site. For a moment, she considered running—but then she saw Twilight, lying there, all alone. In pain. 

With a sigh, Bonnibel dropped her shotgun and raised her hands. “I surrender.”

This did not stop Peepers from shooting her with a stunning blast. 

Apex Daffodil was the only one of the party still standing, and he was finding the bark of a cinnamon tree particularly delicious at the moment.
> XX - Gem Princess
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gems are a peculiar race. They are simultaneously one of the oldest forms of sentient life in the universe AND they are wholly artificial, an unlikely pairing that should go down as one of the biggest cosmic jokes in existence. 

Their mark on galactic history is one of brutal hegemony that ended abruptly. 

Individual Gems are best described as hard-light constructs fueled by internal self-sustaining magic reserves, making them the most effective arcane batteries known to exist. The gemstone is a complex neural net—a computer. If it were not for the magic captive within the gemstone, they would be simple machines, but as anyone on Ooo knows, magic has a habit of endowing sentience. Gems are a rare example of the arcane arts and the scientific ones working in near perfect tandem. Their construction gives them many unique powers, though in most cases these powers are tuned to serve an exact purpose. The Lapis Lazuli line is designed for terraforming, for instance. 

Unfortunately, Gems lack the ability to procreate in their own power and require outside reserves. This is a process that requires acres of land, gigalithic amounts of technology, and hundreds of Gems to pull off.

In this day and age, Gems are beyond rare. If they weren’t immortal, the race would be truly dead. 


~~~


“So uh… Princess... Lapis?” Rainbow Dash cocked her head, unsure of what exactly to say in this situation. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Lapis said, taking a moment to examine her hands. Looking down at her dress, she frowned, as if dissatisfied with her outfit. 

“So, uh… do you know why you were trapped in the center of a temple buried deep underground?”

“Buried deep underground…?” Lapis locked eyes with Rainbow, frowning. “What year is it?”

“Uh… 1118?” 

“I think she’s older than that,” Finn said, frowning. “Does ‘Mushroom War’ mean anything to you?”

“So they finally named it…” Lapis clenched her fists and sighed. “Let me guess, one thousand, one hundred and eighteen years ago?”

“That’s just the foundation of Equestria,” Rainbow Dash said. “I don’t know about ancient history.”

“About two thousand years,” Finn answered with an uncharacteristically serious face. 

“Two thousand years…” Lapis grimaced, taking a few steps back so she could lean on a wall. “She would have come for me if she could have…”

“Who?” Rainbow asked.

Lapis didn’t answer. Instead, she traced her fingers through a defect in the rock. “Tell me… Finn?”

“Uh, yes?” Finn took a step forward.

“You’re human. When did other organics arrive on this planet?” She gestured at Rainbow. 

Finn blinked at her. “What? When?”

“Yeah what are you talking about?” Rainbow tossed her mane back. “Ponies have always been around!”

“Yeah, things just got smarter after the Mushroom Bomb dropped.”

Lapis snorted. “Smarter indeed.” She put a finger to her chin. “Mushroom Bomb… Mushroom Bomb... “ She stamped her foot, letting out a grunt of frustration. “I needed to be there. Peridot, Steven, I… do those names mean anything to you?”

They shook their heads. 

“Garnet? Pearl? Amethyst? Bismuth? Greg? Connie? The Diamonds?” As each name came out, her face became increasingly more desparate.

“Look, it was two thousand years ago, nothing really survived from that time,” Finn said, reaching out a hand to her. 

“Nothing?!” Lapis slapped his hand away. “I’m still here, aren’t I!?”

“Well…” Finn sighed. “Almost nothing. Marceline, Simon, and Betty are from your time.”

Lapis leaned in until her nose was almost touching Finn’s. “Then they can help.”

Finn swallowed nervously. “One’s gone missing, the other’s enchanted by a mystic ice crown, and the other was, like, five when it all went down.”

“And there’s nothing else that survived?”

“Peebles has lots of records and stuff, but she’s complained a lot about everything that happened during the war being ‘fried like a badonkaboo on midsummer's noon spitfire.’ The hole in history really bugs her. Enough that even I know about it, and I don’t even read stuff!”

Rainbow sighed. “Apparently you know a lot more about history than I do. Greeeeeat.”

“I’m sure you know a lot of Equestrian history!” Finn said, taking the momentary change in conversation focus to back away from Lapis.

“Yep! Every pony who’s ever served as Captain of the Wonderbolts, flight formations, and—” she glanced at Lapis, “—none of that is important right now.” 

“I’ve got to find something…” Lapis tapped her foot. “There has to be some way to figure out what happened… Have you seen anything in the temple?” 

“A lot of things!” Finn grinned. “There was this weird heart, waterfalls, a—”

She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. “Explain. Everything.”

So he did. He got into his best storytelling stance and retold the adventures of Finn and Jake and Rainbow, adding Jack in as he appeared. He described the strange walls, the crack, the corn monster, and the worn down temple. Their explosive entrance caught Lapis’ attention, but she said nothing. She hung on to every detail of what he and Rainbow found within the Temple… but as he got to where they were now, she was clearly disappointed. 

“You broke it,” she said, simply.

“What?” Finn frowned.

“The temple was only designed to let five Gems access its doors. Some of us were given access later… but it was supposed to bar all others from entry. By forcing its ancient door open you broke the spatial matrix and…” She pointed upward at the blackness. “Everything was messed up.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“You had no way to know…” She stared at the nothingness for several seconds. “Didn’t even recognize the Gems…”

“What?”

“You’ve never seen another of my kind, have you?”

“Nope,” Finn admitted. “Rainbow?”

“You look kinda like the Elements of Harmony?” Rainbow suggested. “But they aren’t people.”

“...Then there’s nothing for me to go off of…” Lapis said, sagging to the ground. “Nothing…”

“Hey,” Finn said, crossing his arms. “There’s loads of stuff to go off of. I’m sure Peebles has tons of records and stuff you could search to learn more. And Marceline might know something, and who knows, we could track down Betty!”

“Or I could bring you to the Elements of Harmony, they might help!” Rainbow added with a hopeful smile. 

“If you need to find out what happened to your friends, you need to find out,” Finn said, extending a hand. 

“What’s the use?” Lapis asked, shaking her head. “It’s been two thousand years.”

“So?” Rainbow asked. “Like you said, you’re still around. You! You are the Gem… Princess!” Rainbow forced a grin. “What are the chances nothing else is still here? You can’t be the only one! Come on, you know it’s true.”

“And we’ll help you find it!” Finn extended his hand again. “Come with us.”

Lapis looked at his hand, hesitant. 

“You won’t know the adventure you missed if you don’t try.”

With the slightest hint of a smile, Lapis extended her hand, fingers shaking in the warm air. 

At which point Jack and Jake fell from the ceiling onto the ground. Jack landed on his feet while Jake fell flat on his face. 

“I’m okay,” Jake grunted. “Just covered in pink clouds…”

Jack nodded to Rainbow and Finn before resting his gaze on Lapis. “Greetings.”

Lapis retracted her hand from Finn, expression becoming pensive.  “...Jack, right?”

“Yes. You are an elegant creature.” He approached her, stopping the moment she flinched. “Ah…”

A darkness crossed Lapis’ face. “I…” She noticed that Jake was holding something—an old, tattered piece of cloth in the shape of a cheeseburger. A burst of water erupted from Lapis’ gemstone, forming into a hand that tore the cloth cheeseburger from Jake’s hand. “Where did you find this?”

Jake scratched the back of his head. “It was just floating out in the nothingness, lady.”

“Cheeseburger backpack…” She traced the edge of it with a delicate finger while her lips began to tremble. 

“That’s a backpack!?” Jake gawked. “I thought it was just some piece of junky art.”

Rainbow, Finn, and Jack glared at Jake.

“What?”

“Please. Leave,” Lapis hissed, her entire body trembing. 

“Um… how?” Rainbow asked. 

Lapis let out an exasperated cry, focusing for a moment. The folds of her dress began to ripple with arcane energy and the temple started to tremble. A hole formed in a nearby wall, becoming a doorway that led right back to the underground beach. “Out.”

All four of them listened, scrambling back out into the sand. 

Lapis glared at them from the other side. For a moment, her gaze rested on Finn, and she softened, tears finally forming in her eyes. Turning away, she snapped her fingers. 

The doorway vanished. In its place was a broken door that led to an empty stone room. 

“...Spooky,” Jake said.

“Not now,” Finn sighed, sitting down on a broken crystal platform. “She needed our help. And…”

“Bad timing,” Rainbow finished. “It was just bad timing.” She glared at Jake. 

“What?” Jake grabbed his head. “Why is everyone looking at me like I messed everything up?”

Jack put a hand on Jake’s shoulder, steadying him. “You are somewhat clueless when it comes to the feelings of others. Something I am certain Miss Dash can empathize with.”

Rainbow paled. “Uh… y-yeah.” She sagged visibly, though she did not touch the ground. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair.”

“I’m still not even sure what you’re apologizing for,” Jake said. “But I know it’s honest, so you’re forgiven.”

Jack turned to the doorway, frowning. “Such a lost, pained soul.”

“She’s been trapped in there for thousands of years,” Finn explained. “All she wanted… was to go back, to know what happened.”

“A kindred spirit,” Jack said, letting out a tired sigh. “...There is nothing we can do now. She does not want us. Come.” Waiting no longer, he walked away from the temple.
> XXI - Fungal Dreams
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mushrooms are not plants. 

Mushrooms are not the point of all your dreams.

Mushrooms are not delicious. 

Mushrooms are not your best friend. 

Mushrooms are not the savior of the kingdom. 

Mushrooms are not beds.

Somebody please tell this to the Waxman oaf next time he shows up. 


~~~


The King of Ooo had Toronto kick open the doors to the main hall for him. “I declare this a surprise party insp—”

“Your highness!” Pinkie declared, bouncing up to him. “We’ve been expecting you!” 

The King stumbled over his own feet. “But… this was supposed to be a surprise inspection! Who told you?”

“Nobody? I didn’t think you’d come for an inspection, I thought the food would just be irr-e-sist-able!” Pinkie leaned in and winked. “So… what do you think?”

The King fell silent as he walked down the hall, examining all the food, banners, balloons, and games thrown about every which way. He stuck his finger in one of the cakes, eating it without thinking. Lickig his lips, he came to lay his hand upon one of the balloons, the rubbery noise filling the otherwise quiet hall. 

Inwardly, Pinkie gulped. She was pretty sure she had the King pegged as a self-absorbed yet clueless individual who loved to be pandered and wasn’t of the sort to be insulted by large amounts of “sucking up.” His face was on numerous instances of the food items, including most prominently the mushroom pizza. Pinkie was banking that this would earn his favor easily. 

And if she didn’t know a few things about his recent erratic behavior, she would have been sure she had him in the bag. Another successful friend. 

But he was staring at the mushrooms on the pizza a little closely… 

“Delightful,” the King declared, eventually. “The lighting’s a bit off but I have never seen this tacky hall with proper lighting. Toronto, make a note to fix that tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Toronto said, not even bothering to write it down. 

“Now, the festival begins in a few hours, correct?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep! Then the doors open to the public! But you can partake of anything at your leisure—nothing here will spoil or cool. You candy people really know how to preserve your meals properly!”

“Yes, yes, we do.” The King waved a dismissive hand. “Now, I am going to take a nap. Do not disturb me until the party is about to start.” He clapped his hands to punctuate his order and he marched out of the hall. 

“I think that went well,” Marceline observed. 

“It did…” Pinkie scratched her chin, smirking. “Now we begin phase gamma.”

“What?”

Pinkie coiled like a spring and bounced to the door the King had left through, peering around the edge stealthily. She noted which way the King turned before bounding after him, skidding to a stop at the edge of the hall and peeking at him once again. 

“Are you following him?”

“Yep,” Pinkie whispered. “C’mon, be sneaky.”

Marceline rolled her eyes and became invisible. As far as Pinkie could tell, she was alone. Licking her lips, she continued her pursuits. She slinked along halls, crawled up walls, and always caught the King just as he turned a corner into another section of the castle. 

To her immense disappointment the sneaking didn’t last long. He arrived at the doors to his chambers in only a few minutes. There were two guards stationed, but that was no issue for Pinkie. She ducked behind a corner and took an ornamental vase off a nearby pedestal—likely some priceless historical artifact—throwing it on the ground the moment the King opened the door. 

The banana guards gasped. “Someone’s breaking vases!” They ran down the hall to investigate, leaving their King alone. As they turned the corner, Pinkie jumped over them. They didn’t even see the pink blur as she hit the ground like a cannonball, rolling right for the King. Jumping out of her spin, she blew a party blower. 

The King whirled around. “Who’s there?”

He saw nothing. No banana guards, no Pinkie. 

With a shrug, he entered his chambers and shut the door behind him, keeping the room dark. He removed his excessively large robes and draped them over a rack before jumping onto his bed. As a King, he had his choice of sleeping arrangements, though it was to be expected that he owned an extravagant bed with space enough for somewhere around a dozen people. What was not expected was the massive blue mushroom floating a foot off the ground. He crawled onto the mushroom, let out a yawn, and fell asleep. 

A few minutes later Pinkie removed the robe from her hooves, smirking. I’m in, she thought. 

“Impressive,” Marceline whispered in her ear. 

Pinkie nodded. 

“But unnecessary. I’m invisible. You really didn’t need to go through all that trouble. I coulda gotten us in lickety-split.”

Pinkie’s smile didn't falter the slightest bit.

“So, what’s the plan?”

Pinkie pointed at her eyes, then at the King. She proceeded to stare at his sleeping form, unblinking. 

“...You know, if he wakes up…”

Pinkie jumped behind one of the King’s dressers before popping back out, winking.

“You just winked at my hip.”

Pinkie waved a hoof in front of her eyes and raised an eyebrow. Before Marceline could say anything else, she held a hoof to her face to shush her. The King may have been a deep sleeper, but she didn’t want to take chances Marceline’s voice any longer. 

Pinkie sat and waited. 

And waited. 

And waited.

“I’m bored,” Marceline whispered fifteen minutes later.

Pinkie gestured at the door. 

“You really gonna keep watching him?”

Pinkie nodded. 

“Fine, knock yourself o—”

The King sat bolt upright. Marceline fell silent and Pinkie jumped behind the dresser. 

The King hadn’t seen them or, if he had, he paid them no mind. Instead, he ran out of his chambers so quickly Pinkie couldn’t get a good look at him. She jumped after him, not even trying to hide her presence from the posted banana guards. 

“Wh—hey what were you doing in there!?”

Pinkie didn’t answer, she just ran after the King. She knew she was onto something—he hadn’t put on his robes and was running at top speed without any care for the dignity of his movements. Something had changed about him. Pinkie didn’t know what, but she was hoping she was about to find out. 

This time, the chase was much more satisfying. The King ran through corridor after corridor, taking stairs up and down, running through halls that hadn’t been dusted in years, and entering basements filled with old bones. If he hadn’t kept his gaze fully forward at all times, Pinkie would have thought he was trying to lose her. As it was, she wasn’t entirely sure the King even knew he was being followed. 

Eventually, he came to a metallic door deep in the basement. It opened automatically without him even touching it, shutting closed before Pinkie could jump in after. 

No fair! Pinkie pressed her hooves to the door, trying to force it open. It didn’t budge. What’s back here?

She could hear him rustling around in there, breaking a few glass objects in the process. There was a grunt, the sound of something squishing, and then a magical reverberation followed by silence. 

A few seconds later Marceline opened the door from the other side. “He teleported away.”

“Teleported?” Pinkie bounced into the room, frowning. “But he’s not a wizard!” She took a moment to examine the area. It was clearly a laboratory of some kind, lined with beakers, electronic equipment, and metallic devices Pinkie couldn’t even begin to guess the purpose of. The place was an absolute mess, however—torn notebooks were littered everywhere, several beakers were broken, chemicals drizzled all over the floor, and several devices looked as though they’d been punched through. 

“He’s not a wizard,” Marceline confirmed, drifting over to the back of the lab. “He used this thing to teleport.” The thing in question was a blue crystal disc embedded in the floor. “He just stepped on it and…” Marceline dropped to her feet on the disc and nothing happened. “Poof!”

“Poof…” Pinkie jumped onto the platform and tapped it a few times. “I guess only he knows how to use it…”

“We’ve lost the trail.”

“Maybe not…” Pinkie put on her hat and pipe, smirking. “Let’s look for clues in this room!” She put her muzzle to the ground and started sniffing, careful not to inhale any broken glass. She found four Kingly footprints, two receipts for lemonade, a magic 8-ball, sixteen bars of gold, four shredded notebooks… and one piece of paper upon which a lot of things were scrawled. Picking it up, she scrunched her muzzle in contemplation. 

The paper contained a truly absurd number of hastily scrawled triangles, several of which had eyes drawn in them. Less common was a circle with ten dots along the edges, and what appeared to be a drawing of one of the pyramids outside. What appeared to be words were jotted in the margins, but it was unreadable.

Marceline frowned. “I know the King’s handwriting is bad, but…”

“This was written recently… under stress. Every line is harsh, almost panicked.” Pinkie traced a hoof over the rough edges of the page. “This… was written by someone hurting.” 

“...Are you feeling sympathy for the dip?”

“Yeah. Call it a weakness, but I think virtually everyone deserves sympathy.” She folded up the paper and stuck it in her mane. “We should get out of here in case he comes back. I don’t think there’s anything else for us to find here.” She found herself thinking of the circle with ten dots. “Something bigger than I thought is going down.”
> XXII - Imprisoned
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting captured is a fact of life. Just look at me. 

No matter who you are or where you live, if the universe decides you’re one of the “important ones”, you’re going to get captured eventually. My favorite is getting captured by aliens, it’s the most surreal.

Unfortunately, even the most interesting of alien abductions suffers from the agony of waiting. Sitting in a cell is never interesting for very long unless it’s shoddy enough to allow escape. Chances are it’ll be strong and stay that way for, oh, I don’t know, hours. Enough for some good, long thoughts about life to form in that not-as-secure as you might think brain of yours. 

Enjoy. 


~~~


Pain. 

Twilight was no stranger to it, this was far from the first time she had suffered an overload to the horn. Considering that almost no unicorn ever suffered such an injury, the fact that she was used to it was somewhat concerning to her, even in her delirious state. 

Even though it hurt, she knew she needed to see. Grunting, she pulled back her eyelids and took in her surroundings. It was dark, but not unlit, just decorated with blacks and reds. The floor was metal and the walls were smooth. Most of the light came from an opening that ripped every so often with a spark of energy—likely a forcefield of some kind. 

She shared this cell with two occupants. Apex Daffodil, who was sitting on top of a pile of recently picked leaves, and Bonnibel, who sat in the corner, arms folded. She was watching Twilight closely.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, this isn’t the first time,” Twilight said, rubbing her horn with a hoof. It hurt, but she didn’t think it was too damaged. “It’s probably best if I don’t try any major spells for a while.”

“I’m not sure we could escape even with them,” Bonnibel said. “The forcefield is solid, and since this is a spacecraft, likely teleportation-proof.”

“Their ship is in pieces and their holding cells work?”

Bonnibel snickered. “Apparently! Just our luck, huh?”

Twilight nodded. “Business as usual. Any possibilities of escape?”

“Not that I saw. All the access hatches are on the outside.” Bonnibel glanced at Apex Daffodil. “Unless he can help us.”

“Whaddaya say, Apex Daffodil?” Twilight extended a hoof to the deer. “Want to use those fancy powers of yours to bust us out of here?”

He gave himself the consistency of gelatin and continued munching on his pile of leaves. 

“He really is just an animal…” Bonnibel said, shaking her head with a wry smile. “I should have listened to you rather than my paranoia.” Her smile vanished as she pulled her knees to her chest. “Glob, I have a problem with that.”

“Well, your paranoia was justified with these guys,” Twilight said, examining the edges of the forcefield. “I wanted to come right out and talk to them. All offering help got me was lightning to the horn.”

“I think it was the way you said it. It tripped something in his brain. If a skeleton like him has a brain.”

“Right…” Twilight frowned. “He calls himself Lord Hater. The name of someone proud to be violent.”

Bonnibel nodded. “I shot him. He deflected the blast.”

Twilight grimaced. Not at Bonnibel’s use of the weapon—that was justified. No, it was a thought within Twilight’s own mind that gave her pause. 

I wish it had gone through him. Then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

Flapping her wings, Twilight let out a tense breath. “Well, we can’t fight our way out now, so I suppose I’ll try to talk.”

“To who? Nobody comes when I call.”

“They’ll come to me…” Twilight took a deep breath and lit her horn. The simple spell she cast made her twitch from the pain, but it wasn’t anything close to unbearable. She focused the energy to her vocal cords and smirked. “Listen to me!” she shouted with a voice louder than most ponies could manage with megaphones. “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, and I demand an audience with my captors so we may discuss terms of negotiation!”

“I hear you I hear you!” a familiar voice shouted from around the corner. After listening to the scrambling of footsteps for a few seconds, Twilight laid her eyes upon the diminutive Commander Peepers, who was somehow managing to give her a death glare despite only having one eye. 

“Commander,” Twilight said, dropping the vocal spell. “You have me and my friends exactly where you want us. We know you wish for magic in order to repair your damaged vessel. Equestria would no doubt be willing to trade something suitable for my release.” 

“And why should I believe that you’re a princess, huh?”

Bonnibel gawked. “Her regal tone? Her commanding presence? The way all she had to do was speak to get you to come over here and start playing on her terms? It should be clear that she’s a leader.”

Peepers pressed his hands together. “Point taken. Now listen to my point. You’re not getting out of this cell!”

“Why not?” Twilight cocked her head. “Surely you are holding us for some purpose.”

“If I had to guess, it’s for Lord Hater’s torture mixtape.”

Twilight dropped her smile. “I sincerely hope that is an empty threat, Equestria will not take kindly to having their Princess… tortured.”

“Remind me again why I care what a backwater kingdom thinks of us?”

“You need our magic, don’t you?”

“Yes! And we’re just going to take it!”

Twilight glared. “Peepers, think for a minute. If we have enough magic to fix your ship, we almost assuredly have enough to destroy it. Completely.”

“You’re in no position to threaten us!”

“I’m a reigning member of the Equestrian government and you just threatened me with a torture mixtape, I think I’m in a great position to threaten.” She got as close to the forcefield as she could manage.

Peepers didn’t budge.

“Commander, this can go two ways,” Bonnibel said, glaring at him from her seated position. “You can take the route of diplomacy where you contact Equestria, make a trade for the resources you desire, and go back to the stars you came from. Or you can take the route of violence and conquest, in which case there will be retaliation the likes of which you can’t comprehend. You will be met in battle with the might this world has to offer, and it will surprise you.”

Peepers snorted. “You don’t even have a way into space.”

“Actually…” Twilight said, putting on her “teaching a small foal” voice. “As of last month there was a confirmed case of entering orbit. We do, in fact, have the capacity to leave the planet.”

“Not to mention warps to Mars,” Bonnibel added. 

“So, Commander, we are already stronger than you think we are. Are you willing to test that?”

The fear in Peepers’ eye was more than a little satisfying, and Twilight would have thought she had the conversation in the bag had Lord Hater’s laughter not met her ears at that exact moment. 

Still laughing, he strode into view, holding his chest. “Peepers, do you hear that? Do you? These primitive little girls think they can face the watchdog army and Lord Hater! That’s hilarious! That’s…” He rolled onto the ground, still laughing. “Oh, priceless! Priceless! Peepers, get a picture, I need to remember this moment!”

“We don’t find this funny,” Bonnibel deadpanned. 

“That makes it even better!” Hater pushed his head as close to the forcefield as he dared, letting out a bellowing guffaw. “You have no idea how doomed you are!”

“I think you’re underestimating us,” Twilight said. 

“Am I? Let me tell you something, ladies.” He snapped his fingers, prompting two watchdogs to bring a large screen in front of the cell. The screen turned on, showing the Skullship, fully functional, floating over a red planet. It took a moment for Twilight to realize it wasn’t a recording—the completely identical shapes and movements of the watchdogs told her it was an artificial production. She watched as they stomped over the planet’s cities, people, and defenses effortlessly. Eventually, they came to a purple blob creature with a crown. They shot him, dropping the crown to the ground for Lord Hater to pick up. 

“Really good touch there, guys,” the real Hater said.

“Thanks!” a watchdog said. “It took some work, too. Animation’s still difficult!”

“Keep making great videos, I can’t wait to see more of me in them.” He snapped his fingers and they dragged the screen away. “Do you see now?”

“I saw propaganda,” Bonnibel deadpanned. 

“...Propaganda for a planet conqueror,” Twilight added warily. 

“We don’t know how much of that was true.”

“Enough…”

“Ah, the horse understands,” Hater grinned. “I’ve had dozens of planets in my grasp, planets with advanced fleets at their defense and technologies beyond your wildest dreams. I’ve met villains in battle that controlled several planets of their own, and emerged victorious. I am Lord Hater, and you are just a couple children on a nowhere planet that has no power to stop me.”

“You have the option to trade us peacefully,” Bonnibel spat. “You do not have to go to war. You do not have to risk it.”

“Risk? RISK?” Hater let out another fit of laughter. “Did you not see the video? I’ll bring it back, I—”

“I know what you believe,” Bonnibel interrupted. “I don’t buy it.” She stood up, walking closer to Hater’s slouched form, grinding her teeth in between every word. “You don’t have the numbers, resources, or backup to take this world. You will suffer irreplaceable losses. You have an opportunity for a peaceful resolution here. You would be an idiot not to take it.”

“Bonnie, no…” Twilight warned. 

Bonnibel didn’t stop. “So put that skull of yours on straight and think for a few seconds. Trade with Equestria and leave this world, and we can all forget you were ever here. Give in to your base animalistic desire to conquer and pillage, and you will suffer like the animal you are.”

Hater slammed his fist into the wall, letting out a deep, guttural noise. “I’ll show you… I’ll show you I’m the Greatest! Peepers, prepare the torture chamber. Her screams will be the best addition to the mix.”

Bonnibel’s eyes widened. “What…? No… no leader would…”

“That’s the secret to being the Greatest,” Hater chuckled. “I do what nobody else will.”

Peepers facepalmed. 

“Including torturing even the prettiest pink ladies.” He waggled his eyebrows. 

Bonnibel took a step back. “You’re a disgusting madman.”

“And you’re about to be stretched like taffy! I can’t wait to see how far that body of yours can stretch. Actually…” He pulled a boombox out of his robes and pressed play, letting his prisoners hear a funky beat punctuated by occasional screams. “I think her screeching voice would go good right here, don’t you think so, Peepers?”

Peepers sighed. “Sir, I understand your torture remix is important to you, but if we’re going to conquer this planet can we at least make it quick?”

“Oh, fine, fine…” Hater put the boombox away and dusted his palms. “To the torture room!”

“WAIT!” Twilight called. “Don’t!”

“Why not?” Hater asked. “You’re the important one.”

“She’s… she’s a princess too!” Twilight said, hoping her cheesy grin sold the lie. “The Candy Kingdom wants her back, just like Equestria wants me back! You need us both!”

Hater sighed. “Ugh, fine… Peepers, can I torture the deer?”

“I don’t think it’d let you, sir.”

Hater turned his back to the cell and walked away. “I want to attack the nearest city as soon as possible. Rally up the troops and perform whatever scans you need. I’m tired of looking at this wreck, I need some conquest.”

“Yes… and once we conquer this planet, we’ll use it as a base to launch back into the galaxy! Your empire will have a sudden new vigor that none of the other villains could hope to match!”

“I! WILL BE! THE GREATEST!” He flexed his arms, despite being made out of bone and lacking all muscle. 

Bonnibel and Twilight were left alone once again. Apex Daffodil munched on some of his leaves. 

Twilight let out a sigh of relief. “That was close…”

“Twilight… he’s going to try to conquer the planet.”

“But we aren’t being tortured!” Twilight smiled nervously, trying to keep her eye twitches under control. “One step at a time!”

Apex Daffodil breathed a blue fireball that vanished harmlessly into a nearby wall.
> XXIII - Of Loot and the Lost
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Crystal Gem Temple was one of the wonders of the world that few people knew about before the race became common knowledge. Earth was of the mind that it was alone in the universe given how it saw no signs of extraterrestrial life in the stars. It never occurred to them until later that this was all Mars purposefully obfuscating their transmissions to maintain secrecy. 

But that secrecy was broken, and the ridiculous notion that ancient wizards had built all the Gem structures were tossed out the window. The publicity of the Gems had the ironic twist of both validating the “ancient wizard” theorists while also making their claims significantly lesser and insignificant. They would not gain a true understanding of magic before the Mushroom War. 

Amidst this joke of a theory, the Crystal Gem Temple remained, the center of Gem society for Earth. Many structures were built around it, paying tribute to the events that brought the Gem Empire to the discussion table and the Gems and humans that made it happen. It is a rich, wondrous history that has mostly been lost to time. 

Events closest to the Mushroom War were often completely erased by the cataclysm. 


~~~


Finn sat down on the broken crystal platform, pressing his chin into the palms of his hands. “Well… this was all bunk.”

Jake transformed himself back into the form of a raft, drifting onto the shimmering water of the cave. “Yeah, I know man. No monsters to beat up, no loot…”

“Yeah, no l—” Finn stopped talking. Slowly, he removed his backpack and unzipped it, pulling out the statue holding the diamond. 

“Sweet!” Jake called from the water. “We got something from this!”

“This is hers,” Finn said, shaking his head. “I’m giving it back.” 

“Dude, she’s sealed up the doorway, we can’t get back in!”

“She’ll have to come out sometime.” Finn stood up and deposited the statue in the sand before the open doorway. “So, uh, just leaving this here, Lapis! It’s yours! Okay?”

The only sound was that of water lapping the sand behind him. 

“We’re leaving now,” Finn called, taking a few steps away from the doorway. “You can pick it up whenever, right?” His heel hit the base of the crystal platform, flipping him onto his back. “I’m fine! Still leaving! Leaving!” He scrambled to his feet and ran to the Jake boat, where Jack was already sitting. 

Rainbow continued flying just overtop of Jake as they set off from the beach. 

“Is she appearing?” Finn asked her. 

“No. Door’s still gone.” Rainbow frowned. “...We should come back later. Twilight could figure out the door and if we could get Fluttershy here, I’m sure…”

“Your spirit is admirable,” Jack said, keeping his gaze away from the temple. “But we are not welcome.”

“She’s sad! Sad people say things they regret later all the time!” Rainbow folded her hooves. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

“Perhaps not, but we should still respect her wishes.”

Rainbow scrunched her muzzle and bit her lip. “Uuuugh, you’re right. Why are you so right all the time?”

“I have traveled far and wide, seen much of the world…” He clenched his fists, looking to the ceiling of the cave. “I learned much the hard way.”

Rainbow gulped. “Oh…”

The rest of the boat trip was made in silence. Upon arrival at the other shore, Jake folded back into the form of a dog and everyone crawled up the long hallway, this time taking a little longer to examine the shapes on the walls. Gems. That’s what they were, Lapis’ people. There was an exceptionally large variation of shapes and sizes to their bodies, tall and short, large and small. The one unifying feature was the colored shape. The gemstone, glowing softly. 

They returned to the main room. All four walked right to the main picture, focused on the shorter, plumper pink Gem. It was surrounded by many others… white, purple, maroon, green, and blue. The blue one had a softly glowing teardrop depicted on the figure’s back. 

“That’s her,” Finn said, tracing the teardrop shape with his hand. “So close to… everything.”

“She must have been important,” Jack agreed.

“Maybe she really was a Gem Princess,” Rainbow wondered, placing her hoof next to Finn’s hand. “Without a people…”

“I’m asking Peebles if she’s seen any of them. At all.” Finn began to move around the edges of the chamber, examining every last one of the Gems, trying to find anything that looked familiar. Nothing reminded him of anything. Jake and Rainbow had similar luck.

Jack, on the other hand...

“I’ve seen her…” he said, almost haunted. He approached a section of the wall opposite the small pink Gem, finding a much larger pink one. Unlike the others, this one’s shape was clearly feminine, and large at that. There were few details in her features aside from the gemstone in her stomach, but it was easy to make out curls in her hair and a large dress. 

“Where? When?” Finn asked.

“Back… home.” Jack clenched his fist. “A home that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Oh…” Finn drooped, backing away. 

“Sorry man,” Jake said, stretching an arm up to Jack’s shoulder. 

“I had forgotten her… she was an exquisite being. I knew not what she was, then. I just thought she was… large.” 

Rainbow snorted. “Jack, shame on you, calling a lady large.”

“She was eight feet tall.”

“Geez,” Finn whistled.

“You musta had some fun times!” Jake laughed. 

The samurai shook his head. “The meeting was brief. It was in my desert wanderings. She kept company with lions. Regal animals, lions.”

“She sounds awesome,” Rainbow said, struggling not to squee. 

“Perhaps…” Jack said. He turned away from the image and looked to the hole in the ceiling. “Jake, I believe you have the skills necessary for escape?”

The rubbery dog stretched his legs, picking all three of them up and shooting through the hole. It was a bit of a tight fit, but they popped out the top without incident. 

“Huh. Sun’s getting a little low,” Jake observed. “We should probably head back before we have to camp out!”

Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, as much as I like camping, my hooves hurt like nothing else.” She examined one of the cracks with a disgusted grimace. “Egh, Twilight you better know the spell for this.”

“Then I will take my leave from you,” Jack said, bowing to the three of them. “It has been an honor.”

Despite himself, Finn broke out into a grin. “Nonono, the honor is ours, Jack! You’re a legend!”

“I have little doubt you will be worthy of the title yourself, in time.” He crossed his arms behind his back. “I will return, Finn. My journeys take me all over, but as humans, we should never leave each other for long.”

Finn beamed. “I’ll hold you to that, Jack.”

“I would expect nothing less.” He turned to leave, but stopped after having taken one step. 

“Jack…?” Rainbow asked.

“Get down!” Jack shouted, pulling out one of his blades. 

A pastel-pink unicorn teleported in front of him and blasted him in the chest with a blue-green laser brimming with arcane power. Jack flew back, armor embedding into a nearby tree. 

The unicorn tossed her straight, streaked mane back, revealing a menacing scowl and soft purple eyes. Her cutie mark was that of a falling magic spark, one Rainbow Dash recognized instantly. 

“Starlight Glimmer!?”

Starlight ignored Rainbow, jumping for Samurai Jack with a horn shining like a star.
> XXIV - Gilded Secrets
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Waxman that calls himself the King of Ooo is many things. A liar. A cheat. An oblivious buffoon who somehow manages to con people out of money despite having the intelligence of half a peanut. Ambitious. Selfish. Slightly insane. 

One thing he is not is observant. This provides a very simple weakness for any looking to exploit him: distraction. Show him a picture of his face and give him a good conversation partner and he’ll do whatever is desired. So long as he isn’t allowed to think of anything more pressing. 

It is a very rare day when he thinks anything is more pressing than himself; though they are not unheard of. 

He’s also made out of earwax. He hates this fact like a child who discovered they were half dung-troll. But, like that child, the fact is utterly inescapable to him, and so he despairs. 


~~~


Pinkie stared out the castle window at the setting sun. If she positioned her head just right, the sun was eclipsed by the shape of the golden pyramid. The closer the sun got to the horizon, the more her back left hoof felt like it was burning. 

She didn’t like this one bit. She’d gotten on the King’s good side, planned a party, and gotten some information… but she still had absolutely no idea what the pyramids were for. Obviously it was something, but nobody in the entire city had any clue. She’d had Dirt Beer Guy going around and asking about it, and he’d found nothing. The Banana Guards had no idea. The only people who might know were people she couldn’t ask—Toronto and the King of Ooo himself. To further complicate matters, Pinkie had her doubts that Toronto knew anything. He was just too… scared. Not to mention closed off.

And asking the King directly? That’d ruin the appearance of innocence she had. She needed that. Plus, she’d worked hard to get close enough to the King for him to trust her. She wasn't going to ruin friendship progress like that, he clearly needed more companionship in his life as it was. 

So she sat at the window, staring at the setting sun, trying to think of something. 

“Oh, Twilight always had the brainy plans…” Pinkie said, pressing a hoof to her temple. “But Twilight’s not here right now. It’s just Pinkie and…” Pinkie glanced around the party-ready hall, finding only a single banana guard watching over it. “Just Pinkie. Just Pinkie and a burning hoof that I really don’t like the feeling of.” She bounced across the hall, pretending to examine the decorations. “Come on, Marcie...”

“Oh, will our vampire friend not be joining us?” 

Pinkie jumped up with a startled shout, rising to full attention. “Y-your highness!” She bowed to the King. How did he sneak up on me? Nobody sneaks up on Pinkie Pie! “She’s just running a little late, I’m sure she’ll be around soon!”

“At least I can go through the opening ceremonies without her hovering by my back!” The King laughed. “She’s like a vulture, you know. I’m sure you understand.”

“Yep!” Pinkie nodded with a cheesy grin. “Why, when me and my friends arrived, she even tried to scare us! Didn’t work on me, though, I knew she was a friend.”

“Your judge of character is questionable.”

“But I think you’re my friend too!” Pinkie extended a hoof to him. “After all, I threw this party just for you!”

“Of course, of course!” He waved a hand, ignoring her outstretched gesture of friendship. “The floodgates open soon, yes?”

“Fifty-six seconds!” Pinkie confirmed. “Fifty-four… Fifty-two…”

The King quickly ran to his throne and sat down, a level smirk carefully placed on his features. “Then let the Festival of Hooves and Hands begin! Be sure that pizza’s the first thing they see.”

Pinkie looked at the pizza of the King’s face sitting at the top of the decoration in the center of the hall. “Pretty sure they’ll see it.”

“Great! You know, if you weren’t an ambassador, I’d hire you! You really do cater much better than the current aides.”

“What about Toronto?”

“Toronto’s been twitchy lately. I think the whole deal with the comet got to him, or something.”

Pinkie scratched her chin. “I can try to find out what’s up with him, if you want.”

“Perhaps later. For now, feast!”

“Okie dokie loki!” Pinkie bounced to the main doors and pushed them open, starting the banana guards on the other side. “It’s party time!”

The small crowd of candy people outside let out a cheer and rushed in, trampling the startled banana guards. Pinkie took a moment to help them back up before jumping back into the festive hall. “All right everybody! I’ve got Equestrian games on the left and candy games on the right, instructions are on the banners themselves! Feel free to eat any of the food that doesn’t talk back, okay? Okay! If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask me, and be sure to give the King your respects for throwing this feast in his grand hall!” She winked at the King. 

From his throne, the King nodded in her direction. The grin on his face let Pinkie know he legitimately appreciated all this work. She was winning him over. 

Her hoof’s burning intensified, reminding her that she wasn't just trying to make friends and establish diplomatic relations here. 

“C’mon Marcie…” Pinkie whispered under her breath. 

“You look concerned,” Dirt Beer Guy said, walking up to her. 

“Marcie’s not back yet.”

“Oh, that’s messing with the plan, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes it is.” Pinkie made sure to shoot the King as genuine of a smile as she could manage before turning back to Dirt Beer Guy. “This party can’t last forever and I have no idea how long we’re going to need. We…”

“Need me?” Marceline said, dropping her invisibility. “Pinkie, don’t you have any faith in me?”

“Oh thank Celestia,” Pinkie let out a breath. “Do you have the blueprints?” 

Marceline tapped her bag. “Right here.”

“Good, let’s take a—” Pinkie caught the King rising out of his throne. “Hide it.”

Marceline opted to pretend like the large bag she was carrying didn’t mean anything. 

“Distraction, distraction…” Pinkie took a step forward.

“Nah, I got this,” Dirt Beer Guy said. 

Marceline raised an eyebrow. “No offense man, I don’t think he cares about you at all.”

“Not me. I just need to…” He kicked one of the tables with his foot and let out a harsh yell. “Ow! Stubbed my toe! Hurts like a cactus!”

That was clearly some kind of code, because at that instant Lady Rainicorn removed herself from the crowd and intercepted the King. “A, dangsin-ui gomabseubnida! neomu olaedoeeossseubnida!”

The King looked at her, started. “Lady Rainicorn! What a surprise! I have seen so little of you since I took power!”

“Ye, jib-e munjega iss-eossjiman jigeum yeogi issseubnida.”

“Tell me, legally speaking, what is the foundation of your relationship with Jake the Dog?”

Lady’s serene features twisted into a snarl worthy of an axe murderer for a split second. Luckily, the King didn’t notice. “ulineun uli saie beobjeog gusoglyeog-i eobsdago gyeoljeonghaessseubnida...”

“I’m surprised he understands her,” Marceline said. 

“He doesn’t,” Pinkie said, dragging Marceline under a table while Dirt Beer Guy remained outside to keep watch. “Now, the plans?”

Marceline nodded, laying down a blueprint of the Candy Castle onto the floor. Pinkie pulled out a red marker and marked the first floor plans with “X” marks on every pyramid location. She traced a circle, using the ten points as a guide, finding it matched the circle on the paper they found in the lab exactly. “Right and now…” She drew lines between the ten “X” marks, converging on a single point. 

A point that wasn’t in the exact center of the castle. 

“I knew it!” Pinkie cheered, clapping her hooves. “It’s off-center!”

“There’s nothing there, though,” Marceline said. “Just a hallway.”

“How many floors and basements does this castle have? It doesn’t have to be at ground level.”

“A lot.” Marceline frowned. “It’ll take a while to search.”

“I wish you luck!” Pinkie winked perhaps a little too forcefully. “I’ll keep him occupied as long as I possibly can. You’ve got the stealth—figure out what’s there. And… be fast.” She glanced at her burning hoof. “I don’t think we have a lot of time. So, treat it like a race!”

“...You doing okay, Pinkie?”

“Doing fine!” Pinkie wiped her brow, laughing nervously. “Just… hurry.”

Marceline nodded, becoming invisible once again. 

Pinkie jumped out from under the table, sliding up to Dirt Beer Guy. “Okay, she’s on it. I’ll be sure to keep this party running as long as possible. You take this moment to enjoy yourself!”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t throw this party for people to come to it and stay nervous. Enjoy yourself! Not as a beverage. That’d be weird.”

“Some candy people are known to sample themselves, Pinkie.”

Pinkie opened her mouth to respond, but her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She smacked her lips. “You know, I think my mane tastes like cotton candy.”

Dirt Beer Guy shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Pinkie!” a banana guard shouted. “Pinkie, get over here!”

Pinkie saw that an entire table had been upended by the living punch bowl. Of course it was you. She refused to look at the punch bowl, instead pushing the table back up and setting everything in its right place, humming a little ditty to herself the whole time.

“Remarkable!” The King said, breaking away from Lady Rainicorn, an act that made both of them relieved. “Guards, tell the kitchen staff to start making tables that fast.”

Pinkie coughed. “I don’t think they could do it like I do…”

“Nonsense! You’re just a pony, you don’t even have hands! They should be able to reach your quality of service… no, better!”

“Your highness, I have been holding parties all my life—”

“So have they! They’re palace staff, aren’t they?”

Pinkie glanced at the closest staff member, a puffy white marshmallow. He looked ready to burst into tears at the suggestion he would have to work like Pinkie. 

Pinkie’s first instinct was to confront the King, defend the marshmallow. 

But there were more things riding on the King’s satisfaction than her making a friend. 

“...I’ll see if I can teach them later,” Pinkie said. “Why don’t we do something else? I’m sure you worry enough about the palace staff as it is.”

“Oh, yes yes, quite incompetent, the lot of them.”

“I’m sure!” She glanced at the marshmallow and mouthed “I’m so sorry” before returning her smile to the King and leading him to a game of pin the tail on the pony.
> XXV - What Makes a Princess
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Princess”, in a literal sense, means “daughter of the reigning monarch.” In legend, princesses are often considered frail and dainty, those who get captured and need to be rescued. Historically, this wasn’t a common practice, since kidnapping royalty was immensely difficult and risky business. 

Strictly speaking, when a princess rose to absolute governing power, she was considered a Queen. Prior to the Mushroom War, this was standard practice. However, afterward, things got… muddled. Rulers called themselves any random sort of thing they felt like, leading to a lot of confusion and awkwardness amidst the early wars of division. 

But then one particular individual rose to power and specifically kept the title Princess, as a reminder of her childhood. She went on to establish the first major power in Ooo, and the others that worked with her in the Discordian Era followed in her footsteps. Now, the reigning woman of virtually every power in Ooo is considered a princess. Those who choose the title of Queen do so out of spite or arrogance. 

The irony is that kings are still kings. Prince rulers don’t exist. The exception are the yaks, who probably chose that title out of stubborn pride. 


~~~


“Okay, I’ve bought us some time…” Twilight said after she was sure Hater and Peepers were gone. “But he’s dead set on this conquest thing. What’s the closest settlement?”

“There are a few minor villages,” Bonnibel said, staring vacantly at a wall. “But the closest large settlement is the Candy Capital. That’s probably his target.”

“What are their defenses?”

“The King of Ooo has recalled all the Gumball Guardians to the city walls in a crazy paranoia stunt. So… exceptionally high, at the moment.”

“Could they take Hater on?”

“I’m… unsure.” Bonnibel pressed her hands together. “The King will probably surrender the moment it looks like he’s losing, but the Gumball Guardians are strong. But…” She fixed Twilight with an unreadable expression. “If… If they try to use me as a bargaining chip…”

Twilight cocked her head. “Why would that matter? Do the soldiers know you?”

“You could… say that.” Bonnibel tapped her fingers against the wall in a slightly offbeat rhythm. “Twilight…”

Twilight sat down, fixing Bonnibel with a calm, understanding expression. The bubblegum person clearly wanted to say something close to her heart that required some vulnerability—Twilight wanted to make it as easy on her as possible. “It’s okay, Bonnie. I’m here and I don’t bite.”

“I know.” Bonnibel forced a half smile. “So, remember when you called me a Princess back there to stop Hater from taking me to the torture room?”

“...Oh, did you have a plan to get us out from the torture room? I’m so—”

“No, no, no, nothing like that! You did great. Too great. I am a princess.”

Twilight stared at her blankly. “I… huh, I had heard princesses were common in the Candy Kingdom’s lands, but—”

“You don’t understand, Twilight. I am The Princess. The First Princess. Founder of the Candy Kingdom, recently voted out of office… Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum.”

Twilight made sure to keep her face flat while she processed this. 

“I’m not in power anymore, but… if they try to use me, the candy people might just throw everything away. The gumball guardians are so literal-minded they might just shut down at a threat to their princess, if it were explained to them. I suppose Finn and Jake could try to break us out, but they could be anywhere. And…”

“Bonnie,” Twilight said, holding up a wing. “You’re rambling.”

“Oh.” She backed up into a wall. 

Twilight took in a deep breath. “Well, I know one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Luna’s warning about you was unfounded and baseless. You are not a paranoid controlling despot.” Twilight smiled. “You’re my friend, even if you hid who you were from me. Honestly, I can understand why you’d want to keep it a secret. It can’t be easy on you being… stuck on a farm like that.”

“A paranoid controlling despot…” 

Twilight could see Bonnibel mulling the wrong words in her mind. “No, Bonnie, I said that’s what you weren’t, don’t go into the self-doubt tailspin. That’s a bad place!”

Bonnibel smiled—but it was a bitter smile. “You don’t know anything about me, do you? You’ve known me for a day.”

“And I already know your heart. It beats with the fire of a loving hero. You’re not a despot—look at you, farming pumpkins instead of trying to depose the King! I know you don’t like him, but you’re letting him have it anyway. And Controlling? Please, you and I have worked as an excellent team so far, an—”

“I had a surveillance network of spy cameras spread across Ooo,” Bonnibel interrupted, wringing her wrists. “I watched your ascension, Twilight. I know the location of the Tree of Harmony, the secret code to Celestia’s Vaults, and where you hid Smarty Pants a few months ago: under the cupboard behind Arcane Mysteries: Sixth Edition. I know your brother’s favorite spot to meet Cadence.” Her hands were trembling now. “I…” 

Twilight forced herself to swallow. “You… used the word had.”

“What does it matter!?” Bonnibel shouted. “Yes, it doesn’t exist anymore, but it still used to! And oh, do I want it back! Right now, I’m thinking ‘it would have been great if I could look at this place from a distance to see the danger before it came’ but no, no, I had to dismantle the network! I…” She kicked the ground, knocking up a cloud of dust. “I don’t know. All I know is that you shouldn’t be okay with any of this. I am paranoid.”

“You definitely are,” Twilight admitted, cautiously standing up. “But so am I. And both of us see that it’s a problem.”

“I wouldn’t have changed anything if it wasn’t for Phoebe, I j—”

“That just means Phoebe’s a good friend.” Whoever Phoebe is. “That’s one of the many reasons why we need friends. To tell us when we’re messing up, to get us to look at ourselves…” She extended a hoof to Bonnibel. “To let us realize we have problems. And to help us with them.”

Bonnibel stared into Twilight’s eyes. “You know, when Celestia coronated you, I thought she had finally lost her mind. ‘Princes of Friendship? What is she thinking?’ Now it’s very, very obvious to me why you’re here. You bring something we ambitious rulers usually try to ignore.” 

“Oh?”

“A conscience.”

Twilight felt herself blush. “I-I’m not that important.”

“Then I’m a paranoid controlling despot.”

“Wh—hey! No fair! You can’t use my words against me!”

Bonnibel smirked. “Watch me.”

Twilight let out a delighted laugh, flapping her wings to keep herself stable. “All right, fine, if you agree you’re not a paranoid controlling despot, I’ll agree to be the conscience or whatever.”

“Deal.”

They shook on it. 

“Okay, now that sappy emotion time is over…” Bonnibel turned to the force field. “How on earth are we going to get out of here? The candy people need us.”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” Twilight admitted. “What about you, Apex Daffodil?”

Apex Daffodil ate the last leaf that had been brought into the cell with him. The fact seemed to shock him. Carefully, he began to search the room for more leaves, snorting every few seconds. 

Twilight put a hoof to her mouth. “Oh… oh…”

“What?” Bonnibel asked, turning away from her examinations of the forcefield. 

“Apex Daffodil!” Twilight called, grabbing the Deer’s attention. “There are leaves on the other side of this barrier!” She pointed at the forcefield and drew a leaf shape in the air with her wingtip. 

Apex Daffodil walked into the forcefield. His antlers hit it, a shock forcing him back an inch. Snorting in annoyance, his antlers turned bright white. A wall of ice appeared in front of him, taking place of the forcefield. As if nothing unusual had happened, he walked right through the ice, burning a deer-shaped hole into it. 

Bonnibel stuck her hand through the hole, finding that there was no forcefield. “...Freak deer.”

“He’s a precious little boy!” Twilight chided, squeezing through the hole to pet the deer on the back. “Yes you are!”

Bonnibel twisted through the hole as well, unable to keep from smiling. “Let’s just hope nobody figures out how to turn him against us.”

“He’d never betray us, isn’t that right Apex Daffodil? Aren’t you the best?” Twilight cood, prompting an audible groan from Bonnibel. 

There was only one watchdog on guard at the edge of the brig. When he saw them, he yelped and pulled his ray gun out. “Don’t move, I’ll shoo—”

Bonnibel kicked the gun out of his hand. “You should stand further away from enemies who are taller than you.”

The watchdog let out a scream and ran off. 

“He’s probably getting help,” Twilight pointed out. 

“Yeah…” Bonnibel frowned. “We can’t fight them, we need to run.”

Twilight spread her wings and stooped down. “Get on.”

Bonnibel gaped. “Are you sure? I know it’s not socially—”

“You say you’ve watched me, right? You know Spike? Little dragon, rides me all the time? I know how to be a steed. Get on.”

Bonnibel swung her legs over Twilight’s back, bending her knees to keep her legs from scraping the ground. Twilight rose to her full height, smirking. “Hold onto the base of my neck, this might get rough. Apex Daffodil? I’m sorry, I can’t carry you, bu—”

Apex Daffodil shrunk to the size of a baseball and nestled himself just above Twilight’s horn. 

“...Convenient,” Twilight said. She knew she didn’t have time to mull on the deer’s abilities, so she put them out of her mind. With a burst of wind, she took to the air, flying down the Skullship’s corridor until she found a break in the hull. No one tried to stop her as she burst out into the outside world. 

No time was wasted looking at her surroundings; she rose into the air as fast as her wings would let her. Only a few watchdogs noticed her and shot in the time, and none of them got even close to hitting the speeding purple blur. 

“Yes! We’re out!” Twilight laughed. “Woohoo!”

“That was too easy…” Bonnibel said, clutching tightly to Twilight. “There were a lot more when we first arrived.”

“They’ve already mobilized…” Twilight realized. “We have to move fast! I’m taking you to the Candy Capital!”

“No,” Bonnibel said. “We need to get help.”

“From who? I… I guess I could try to call Discord, bu—”

“Oh please no!” Bonnibel sputtered, shivering. “I can’t even… no, there are other armies in the land besides what the Candy Capital has. We just need to make some calls. And the closest long-distance phone…” She pointed to the north at a tall, icy mountain. “Is in the Ice King’s lair.”

“Say no more, Princess!” Twilight banked to the side, redirecting her course directly northward. “Hold on!”

“I am holding o—” Bonnibel words were shoved down her throat the moment Twilight pushed all her energy into forward velocity, blowing Bonnibel’s hat completely off and threatening to remove her from the alicorn steed altogether. It was in this moment Bonnibel truly learned how to hold on properly.
> XXVI - Starlight Gunner
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

One who specializes in guns or hunts game with guns. 

This definition, while correct, misses the connotation of the word. There’s something more to a gunner than just having a gun and using it, and it wouldn’t be too far out there to call someone a gunner who had no gun at all. 

After all, it is possible to “gun” for something. To seek it with a single-minded determination and zeal that makes enemies quake in their boots. To pursue in defiance of all…

Gunner. Noun. 

One who pursues a goal with a violent determination that goes above and beyond what is required. 


~~~


Starlight Glimmer was a thin mare of average height with a natural magic talent that put most unicorns to shame. Her horn was perfectly polished, not that it could be seen under its intense blue-green glow. She twisted her head back, focusing more energy into her horn. Swinging her entire body like a curved blade, she unleashed a series of arcane orbs at Jack. 

Despite being embedded in a tree, Jack was more than able to get away from the orbs with a jump that not only cleared Starlight, but the tree behind her. 

“Impressive jump!” she called, mockingly. 

“Jump good,” Jack responded, pulling out a sword and a gun from his armor, prompting Starlight to raise a shield. He approached her in a spiral fashion, pulling the gun’s trigger rapidly while holding the sword up high. “Get out of here!” he called to the others as he approached her. 

“Oh no, we’re not leaving you!” Rainbow called, rushing toward Starlight while Jack reloaded the gun. Starlight grabbed Rainbow in her telekinesis and tossed her into the ground, spraining the pegasus’ already injured hoof. “Augh!” 

“You really should learn not t—” Starlight was interrupted by a giant dog’s hand closing around her and squeezing. 

Jake lifted up his hand and shook it. “Hah! Not so tough now, are you?” 

Starlight teleported out of his hand and shot Jake in the eye with a laser. 

“Hey! No fair, I need those eyes!”

“You’ll just have to learn to make-do, mutt!” She cast an explosive spell behind her, intercepting Jack’s attack. To her shock, it didn’t stop him, but rather propelled him further into the air so he could throw shurikens at her. She caught all of them in her magic—but then they exploded, driving her into the ground. 

Jack jumped her with a sword, but she took the opening to blast him with a magic laser. It hit him square in the armor, pushing him back, but doing nothing else. 

“That was supposed to freeze you,” Starlight mused, teleporting a few feet forward before Finn could stab her with his sword. “That armor you wear is more than a hunk of metal, isn’t it?”

“I have learned to combat the magic of this time,” Jack said, drawing his electric trident. “Arcane wizardry does nothing to me.”

“Really?” Starlight scratched her chin. “Then how about…” Her eyes went white and a burst of wind erupted from her location. “Absoluta Dispello.” Three magic rings appeared around her horn, connected by a series of white triangle-shaped flecks. Jack jumped to the side, but Starlight teleported right behind him, surrounding him in the triangle flecks with a twist of her head. They reacted instantly to the enchantments in the armor, absorbing into the metallic plates, stripping them bare of any and all magic. 

This was more effective than Starlight had hoped. There had been a weight-reduction spell in place on the armor, with it gone, Jack’s speed was severely limited. One swift kick from her hoof to his head knocked him to the ground. She powered her laser once again, directing it right at his chest.

Jake, once again, interrupted her, this time with a barrage of punches. “Ugh, stupid dog! I’m busy!” She grabbed all the fists in her telekinesis at once and tied them into a massive knot. She proceeded to swing Jake around like a sling, taking out three trees in the process before driving him into the softer ground. “You’re nothing t—”

Finn swung his sword. Starlight jumped out of the way and raised a shield, but the pearly blade cut through the magic like butter and nicked her leg just above her hoof. “Wh-hey!”

Finn let out a warrior’s yell and charged again, sword high. 

Starlight blasted him in the chest with a laser, burning his shirt and knocking him over with pathetic ease. She wrenched the sword out of his weakened hand, examining it closely. “What sort of blade is this? The time resonance…”

Rainbow tried to take her out again, but she ran into a simple barrier far too quickly. Jack was still lying on the ground. And Jake, to Starlight’s increasing disdain, had just pulled himself out of the hole and grown himself in size ten times. “All right, namby pamby pony wizard, you’ve got this many seconds,” he held up his knotted hands as if they were a number of fingers, “before I go all ape on you. You do not want to see a dog go ape, lemme tell you, it’s a perversion of the natural order!” 

Starlight stared at him with a bored expression. 

“Ape time it is!” He opened his mouth and jumped toward her. Her response was to create a fist out of magical energy and punch him with it. He closed his mouth around the fist and started chewing at the same moment Starlight turned it into a sea-urchin shape. Yowling, he spat the urchin out, only to find that Starlight had driven a secondary fist into his stomach and frozen his legs to the ground.

“You don’t play fair,” Jake muttered, stretching himself back to a more reasonable size so he could focus on getting his legs out of the ice. 

“You’re a dog with the ability to reshape himself at will and come up with endlessly creative and unheard of combat maneuvers,” Starlight deadpanned. “Forgive me if I’m trying to win here.”

“Yeah, but bad guys like you always lose, so, can’t you just make it easy on us for once?”

Starlight cast explosion on his face. 

“Okay… guess not…” Jake’s eyes rolled into the back of his skull and he passed out. 

“Finally,” Starlight muttered. She trotted back to the armored form of Jack, still exactly where she left it. “So, the legendary samurai can’t beat a single unicorn, even with the help of friends. I have no idea why Aku’s had such trouble with you, this was easy.” 

Jack didn’t say anything. He didn’t even move. 

“Not gonna talk back? No smack talk? No last words? Nothing?” Starlight smile faltered. “Not even a… Oh no.”

Jack’s armor exploded in a burst of flame so hot it was a searing blue color. Smoke wafted into the air in a miniature mushroom cloud, darkening the immediate vicinity. 

From his position in a nearby tree, Jack smiled. 

“Nice try,” a badly singed and smoky Starlight said from behind him. Even with the minor burns and soot all over her, she continued her charge. Jack, no longer burdened by armor, jumped through all her magic shots like a grasshopper. None of them so much as grazed him or even the corner of his thin white robes.

Starlight growled, letting out a burst of power that turned the tree to ash. Both of them dropped to the ground. Jack stood proud, carrying a curved blade. He was completely uninjured. Starlight, meanwhile, had burnt hair, a charred mane, and a few cuts here and there. She was haggard—and more than a little nervous. He had a sword after all, and she knew what that sword meant. It… was curved. 

“Hold on,” Starlight said, pointing at the blade. “That’s not your artifact blade. That’s just… a hunk of metal.” 

“It is no less honorable.”

“Oh, that’s not my observation. You’re very good with it, of course. But… if it’s not a legendary artifact, it’s not going to be able to cut through my magic, is it?” She smirked, grabbing hold of the sword with her magic. 

Jack pulled his arm at a sideways angle Starlight hadn’t been expecting, wrenching it out of her control. He’d clearly dealt with unicorns trying to disarm him before and knew how to confuse the telekinesis. But he was just a man with a sword, there was only so much he could do. Starlight cast explosion again, but his jump cleared it, completely unharmed. 

Starlight scowled. “I see the direct approach isn’t going to work with you…” She teleported behind him, charging a laser. Underneath the laser, she prepared a secondary teleport. There was no way for Jack to tell she was dual-casting, so when he dodged right she teleported to his back and unleashed the laser at the same time, hitting him square in the back. He toppled head over heels, coming to a rest next to the downed form of Finn. 

Even this didn’t keep him down long enough to initiate a proper explosion spell. He jumped over Finn and landed on his feet, glaring at Starlight. 

Starlight pointed her horn to Finn, charging a laser spell and aiming at his chest. Her scowl faltered. 

Jack stayed still. “You hesitate.”

“Shut up!” Starlight shouted, twisting the laser to Jack. He, naturally, jumped out of the way without issue, directing his momentum toward Starlight. She raised a barrier. 

He pulled out the Finn Sword. 

“Sassafras,” Starlight swore. The sword punched through her shield with little effort and it would have gone through her as well had she not twisted to the side. Instead of teleporting away, she tried something different—bucking Jack in the face. It was the one thing he had not been expecting her to do, so she hit him squarely. He kept hold on the Finn Sword and landed on his feet, but she could tell it dazed him. 

She made use of the opportunity, casting explosion. 

At long last, she got a direct hit. He fell back. Starlight could tell he wouldn’t lie like that for long, and she knew she was running low on the energy to continue this fight, so she summoned cuffs that sealed his arms and legs to the ground, keeping him prone. 

She was glad she did, for no less than a second later, he tried to move. The magic restraints were already established, however, and his strength was not enough to push through them. Even so, he refused to lessen his grip on the Finn Sword. 

Cautiously, she walked up to his prone form, keeping careful watch on the restraint spells. Rather than wasting energy on the often ineffective laser spell, she spent some time creating a blade of magic energy. She pointed it at Jack’s neck, narrowing her eyes. 

He stared at her, wordlessly, with no expression. He didn’t blink, and his eyes never left hers. 

Starlight clenched her jaw and locked all four of her knees. She lifted her sword up…

Jack stared at her. 

The sword trembled. “Say something.”

Jack did no such thing. 

Starlight closed her eyes, a tear running down her cheek. A deep sigh escaped her lips and she dissipated the sword spell. She opened her mouth to speak. 

A wave of water shaped like a fist slammed into her and knocked her off her hooves. The water rushed down her throat, forcing her into a coughing gagging fit that removed all sense of control and reason she had. She flailed wildly, having no control over herself and definitely not enough mental capacity to activate a spell. 

The water threw her to the ground, sputtering and coughing uncontrollably, at the feet of none other than Lapis Lazuli. Water affixed to her back like a pair of wings, and the oceanic fist became a sphere of unused moisture floating above her head. Lifting a hand, she formed the water into a point directed at Starlight’s horn. 

Starlight was too busy coughing to notice the irony. 

“STOP!” 

She was not too busy coughing to hear the voice of Rainbow Dash. 

The battered pegasus flew between Lapis and Starlight before collapsing onto the ground from overexertion while injured. “She stopped herself, Lapis, she stopped herself… Don’t hurt her.”

Both Lapis and Starlight stared at Rainbow in disbelief. As Starlight’s coughs died down, Lapis’ expression became one of sorrow—and recognition. She gently released the water into the ground. 

“Thank you…” Rainbow said, letting out a pained groan. “Now… let’s all… talk, or something…”
> XXVII - Marceline Investigates
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are being watched. 

It is a fact of life. You are being watched. 

Any number of unusual markings and peculiar artifacts can be a portal to let dark forces observe you. There is no point listing them since there is no escape from them. 

Even the trees have eyes…


~~~


Marceline liked being invisible about half of the time. Sneaking around and watching was fun and all, but she wanted to be seen, so invisibility was only useful to her insofar as it freaked people out when she revealed herself. She’d snuck up on people so often and scared the living daylights out of them that it had become a habit. 

She hadn’t needed to stay invisible for an extended period of time for many decades, so she was out of practice. Fighting the urge to spook every banana guard out of their peels was quite the task. Predatory instincts were hard to work out, even considering the fact that the banana guards didn’t have a hint of red on them. 

To this end, she focused intently on the map, not looking up. She started on the ground floor, sweeping the hall where the “X” was, finding nothing of interest. The first and second basements had similar results, though the second one shocked her because she’d had no idea the castle had a room dedicated to the different kinds of coinage that had been produced over the centuries. It was a museum that wasn’t even guarded. 

Why would you even make this room, Bonnie? 

Shaking her head, she continued to the third basement, finding a well-tended-to aquarium filled with peanut butter and jelly fish. And jellyfish. And peanut butter fish. The three species clearly had no relation to each other. 

“Where do you get the resources to maintain these things?” Marceline wondered, examining a plaque in front of the tank that had a relief sculpture of Bonnibel on it. “The Sea of Life Aquarium, Year 413. Do you even remember that you built half these things?” 

Seeing as Bonnibel wasn’t here, there was not going to be an answer for Marceline’s curiosity. Though, checking the blueprints, this room was on them, just not labeled—the only hint that it was an aquarium was its attachment to one of the city’s main water lines. 

Moving on, she descended deeper and deeper into the basements, passing the dungeon with ease. Sure, there were a ton of monsters down there that moved and cawled, but none of them could see her, so it was no issue. 

...Except the creature with the freaky eye. But it didn’t attack, it just stared at her. 

Shuffling through the blueprints, Marceline discovered that the room layout no longer matched. “Right. Dungeons. They do that.”

Having heard her speak, the troop of electric rock golems jumped her all at once. With an exasperated sigh she dropped her invisibility and transformed into a hideous bat creature three times her normal size. She clawed them aside with two swipes. They never stood a chance, crumbling to their component rocks with ease. 

Returning to her normal form she became invisible again. Right, dungeon. The layout no longer matches, but I need to make sure I’m directly below where I am now when I go deeper… 

She leaped onto the remains of the electric rock golems, finding that they were, in fact, magnetic. She could take some with her and use them to figure out where the others were! If she was a floor below there would be an attraction and…

As she was starting to feel rather proud of her ingenious idea, she noticed a hidden trapdoor just to the side of one of the rocks. She drifted over to it, trying to pop it open. She found it was locked, but after transforming into the bat beast again, she was easily able to rip it off its hinges. Below was a tunnel that had been drilled very recently. No doubt this was what she was looking for. 

Stifling her grumbles, she grabbed some of the smaller rocks and put them in her pocket, determined to find some use for them. Drifting down the tunnel, she came to a simple cavern that looked natural, though there were a few things of interest. First of all, a crystal platform, no doubt used to teleport to and from the lab where they had chased the King earlier. There was a fridge-sized reinforced safe off to the side, the metal kind covered in glowing multicolored runes designed to keep valuables even from the most magical and devastating of creatures. One of the cavern walls was covered in an ancient cave painting of some kind. It was way too old to make out the details, but the overall shape of a circle with a triangle inside it was clear. 

On the ground, though… the ground in the center of the cave was composed of a blue crystal, in the middle of which stood a pedestal that glowed with an eerie yellow aura. Alien markings made with pitch black ink surrounded the pedestal’s base, cycling out toward the edges of the blue crystal, ending with ten dots in a roughly circular shape. 

The edges of the pedestal had eyes etched into them. 

“Huh, well this is clearly some evil junk,” Marceline said, hands on her hips. Heaving her axe, she continued. “Too bad it had the misfortune of meeting Marceline! Hi-woah!” As the axe was torn out of her hands and thrown into the ceiling, she noticed a previously invisible shimmering barrier of gold magic. “...Drat.”

She drifted to the ceiling and removed her axe, determined to set its blade upon something and pulverize it. She went after the painted designs, the crystal floor, anything that she thought needed to be destroyed. Nothing. Even the teleportation platform was immune to her attacks, though that was not because of any magic shielding. 

She drifted to the safe and tried to pick it up. Some enchantment on it kept it rooted to the ground. Knocking on it, she found her sounds were artificially muffled to give her no clues as to what was inside. And, naturally, hitting it with the axe did absolutely nothing. 

The magnetic rocks stuck to it, though. Not that that helped. Even lugging one of the big ones down and letting it smash into the safe at high speed did nothing. 

Marceline crossed her arms. She was going to need something big and preferably explosive to take care of this clearly evil nonsense. The sooner the better, she felt like the pedestal’s eyes were watching her. 


~~~


Pinkie was explaining the idea of a cute-ceañera to a group of gumdrop people when she felt the rumble. She almost didn’t notice it given the music and talking of the festival. “What was that?”

The gumdrops shrugged. “What was what?” one of them asked. 

“The rum—” 

“PINKIE!” Root Beer Guy shouted. “Sky pie at seven o’clock!” 

Pinkie pulled a pie out of her mane and laid it down on a nearby table—but that was only a cover-up for what she was really doing. At her seven o’clock, the King of Ooo was running out of the party hall at a full sprint. He was already halfway through the doorway. Oh no you don’t, mister!

She curled herself into a spring and sailed across the entire hall in a second, landing on the smooth floor just behind the King. “Your highness! Leaving so soon?”

He didn’t stop running. He didn’t even stop to glance behind at her. But he did react to her by increasing his speed. Those spindly wax legs of his hit the ground faster than they should have been able, especially considering the massive royal robes he was wearing. 

Luckily, Pinkie didn’t care about the pesky laws of physics either. Her legs moved so fast they became like wheels, moving her more like a car than a pony. She pulled up toward the King, calling after him with a “beep beep!”

The King refused to look at her. Kicking off the floor, he rammed into a wall and sprung over Pinkie’s back, running behind her with a roll that he pushed back into a full run without missing a beat.

Pinkie twirled around like a tetherball and continued pursuit. “There is no way you’re that coordinated!”

No response aside from ducking into a door on the side of the hall. Jumping in after him, Pinkie found… a storage closet with nothing in it. 

Pinkie’s jaw dropped. “I… I lost him? How!? That doesn’t even…” She rubbed the side of her head with a hoof. “Okay, okay, think, Pinkie, think. Where is he going? The—the lab! Right!” Her legs became blurred circles once again, rushing her down the castle halls, all the way to the lab’s door in record time. She knocked a few banana guards down on the way, but she would make it up to them later. Right now, she had a King to catch. 

It took him a full minute to arrive at her position, having not stopped his run. He came to a halt when he saw her waiting. 

Pinkie clapped her front hooves together slowly. “You almost had me there, your highness! Now, mind telling me what’s going on? Why’d you leave the party, I threw it just for you?”

The King glared at her with an expression of hate. For all the King’s shortcomings, Pinkie had never seen something so malevolent cross his features—nor had she seen the next expression, that of a psychotic smile. “Oh, Shooting Star...” the thing that was not the King said with an eerie reverberation to his voice. “You really don’t know how to keep that muzzle of yours in your own business, do you?”

Pinkie noticed for the first time that his eyes were different. Not only were they a brighter yellow than usual, but his pupils had become narrow, vertical slits. Despite this, she continued smiling. “Yeah, I’m a little nosy, huh?” She giggled. “I guess I do it so I can give people the best parties ever! You already know me, I’m Pinkie Pie, but I don’t know who you are!” She extended a hoof to him. 

He extended his hand, blue fire erupting from it. “How about we make a deal? I tell you who I am in exchange fo—”

Pinkie retracted her hoof before he could finish. “No deals, buddy.’

An annoying, nasally laugh came from the thing. “You’re smarter than you look! How about a deal without shaking on it?” His smile vanished, returning once more to the harrowing scowl. “You get out of my way and forget this ever happened, and I won’t turn you into a pancake.”

“I’ve always wanted to be a pancake!”

The thing found this amusing. “You have a brilliant mind in there. Were things different, I think we’d get along! But, oh, how tragic! You are in my way.” He reached out a hand…

“Your highness!” A chorus of banana guards shouted, interrupting the scene. Almost immediately, the yellow left the King’s eyes, returning him to normal. 

“Wh—what? Where am I? How in—?”

“Your highness!” One of the banana guards flopped onto the ground in a begging position. “Help us! Help us!”

The King rolled his eyes. “Ugh, it’s alway something with you people… what is it?”

“An army of eyeball creatures are standing outside the city walls and demanding our immediate surrender!”

Both Pinkie’s and the King’s jaws dropped. “WHAT!?”
> XXVIII - Just Let Me Make a Few Calls
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long-distance communication is an inconsistent reality on Ooo. The old satellite infrastructure for transmitting cell signals is mostly gone, the communication lines have worn away, and a lot of what remains people don’t know how to use. However, all the phones and books on how to use phones are still around, if you know how to read them. Those with the proper education can, and do, hook up communication lines between different cities. However, the world is ever-changing, and is often hostile to long-lasting structures that aren’t ancient hunks of immovable rock. 

So exterior communication is often crushed by a wandering beast or random magic storm of some kind. Many of the larger cities don’t bother with setting up phone lines outside their limits, satisfied with just being able to talk from one end to another. Magic spells and long-range teleports make up for the need of longer-distance messages, though this is not common enough to be of use to the general public. 

Some of the more technically minded leaders—such as Bonnibel Bubblegum—have managed another solution. She has set up her own network of dishes, receivers, and subterranean phone cables across the Candy Kingdom. The irony is the network’s original purpose was not to foster communication between her people, it was to feed her paranoid need to watch everything. The public use was an unintended side effect. 

Even the most paranoid acts can have a silver lining. 


~~~


Twilight slowed her flight as she neared the mountain for two reasons. First, she didn’t want to crash and break her neck. Second, the chill made it decidedly uncomfortable to move her limbs quickly. The sun was setting, and at this altitude the temperature was plummeting. 

Despite her best efforts, the landing wasn’t perfectly smooth. She hit the ground harder than intended, forcing her to stumble over herself for a few steps on the icy ledge. She didn’t fall, but it gave Bonnibel a mild scare. 

“W-we’re here!” Twilight chattered. “C-c-cold…”

“Let’s go inside,” Bonnibel said, walking through the maw-like opening in the mountain. Apex Daffodil maintained his small size, though he took to orbiting Bonnibel’s head rather than staying in Twilight’s mane. 

To Twilight’s shock, the moment they entered the ice cave the temperature increased significantly; it was still chilled, but no longer did she feel like her wingtips were about to fall off. Less surprising was the light coming from within the cave—Bonnibel had said the Ice King lived here, so of course there would be some light. 

Though the presence of penguins waddling around was a tad confusing to her. 

The interior itself was composed almost entirely of finely carved ice. The floors were so smooth they were slippery; even most of the furniture appeared to be shaped out of the surrounding ice, fixed to whatever position they were made in. There were a few exceptions to this rule of ice, seeing as the lights weren’t ice and there were a few old posters here and there, but for the most part the Ice King’s home was living up to its occupant’s name. 

“Hey Ice King!” Bonnibel shouted. “Get in here!”

There came a shout from somewhere deeper into the abode. It was harsh and ragged, but full of energy. “Why should I!?”

“Because it’s Princess Bubblegum! Come on!”

“Princess Bubblegum!?” There was a loud crash, followed by several “ow ow ow” grunts and a few loud thumps before the Ice King walked into view. He was a shorter man with blue skin and an exaggerated beard. He wore an oversized blue robe, giving him the appearance of a crazed wizard.  Upon his head was a golden crown with three crimson gemstones in it, of which the arcane energy made Twilight uneasy. “Well well well! What brings you here to my castle?” The Ice King raised his eyebrows repeatedly. 

“I need to use your phone,” Bonnibel said. 

“Well, hang on, you don’t just show up at someone’s house and ask to use their phone without first stopping to visit, having a mea—”

“There are aliens attacking the Candy Kingdom.” 

“Oh.” The Ice King scratched his ear. “So that’s a no to dinner then?”

Bonnibel pressed her hands together and took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. “That’s a no.”

“Well, can’t blame a guy for trying! Phone’s this way.” After gesturing, he noticed Twilight seemingly for the first time. “This your new steed? What happened to Lady Rainicorn?”

“Twilight is not my steed,” Bonnibel explained. “...And for that matter neither is Lady Rainicorn, she’s just one of my friends.”

Twilight bowed to the Ice King. “Hello! I’m Princess Twilight of Equestria.”

Bonnibel smirked. “Careful. He has a princess kidnapping habit.”

Twilight glanced at the Ice King. “...What?”

“Hey, hey, I don’t do that anymore!” the Ice King said, waving his hands rapidly. “...Much.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. 

“Uh…” the Ice King took a step back from her. “Would, uh, you like to go to dinner, Princess Twilight?”

Bonnibel couldn't help but let out a snort. “Going after ponies now, Ice King? Really?”

“Hey, when a man’s desperate…”

Twilight coughed. “Ice King, I would be honored to dine at your estate—at a later time. Currently we have a bit of an emergency that requires our immediate attention.”

Bonnibel stopped short. “Wait, did you just…”

“Yes, I did just agree to it.” Twilight ruffled her feathers.

“It’s your funeral.”

“I’m just shocked somebody said yes,” the Ice King said, rubbing his eyes. “Am I dreaming? Gunter, am I dreaming?”

“Gunter?” Twilight asked.

“My number one penguin,” the Ice King said, holding a hand up to his face to scan the room. “Hmm. I’m going to go find him. He needs to see this…” He marched off, leaving Bonnibel and Twilight alone. 

“That was a mistake,” Bonnibel said, coming to a rotary phone sitting atop a simple ice table. “You don’t know the crazy he has.”

“He seems like a tired, old man who just needs a friend,” Twilight counterd.

“He wants a wife.”

“Then I’ll direct him to Cadence later. Right now, he just needs somebody here other than… a bunch of penguins.”

“Marceline would agree…” Shaking her head, Bonnibel picked up the phone and dialed a number. Nothing happened. “I have no idea what the King of Ooo has done, but the phone lines to the capital aren’t working.” 

“Is that bad?”

“Not really, I didn’t really expect him to be useful. I’m here to make other calls.” She dialed another number, smirking as it went through.  “Hey! Lemongrab! This is Bubblegum!” Twilight heard a harsh shriek from the other end of the phone that Bonnibel ignored. “Don’t you ‘unacceptable’ me, mister! Are you aware that there is an army of one-eyed aliens invading the Candy Kingdom? No? Then you’re lucky I called, because there are, and they’re probably going to the capital! Get your lemony guards up and ready, I’ll be meeting you in the Earldom as soon as time allows. ...I will be flying on a purple pony. Lemongrab, I don’t care if you don’t have to listen to me legally, I know you will. Got it? Good.” She hung up the phone. 

“Lemongrab…” Twilight scratched her chin. “Why does that name sound familiar?”

“He’s the regent in case the current Princess is unable to rule,” Bonnibel said. “Though, these days, I think he’d just manage things from his Earldom, which is best for everyone. He has a… personality.”

Twilight held up a hoof. “I’ll make my own judgment of him when we arrive. Shall we go?”

“No, he may be the closest army, but I’ve got someone else I can call…” She picked up the phone again and dialed. “Hey, Phoebe, it’s Bonnibel. Yes, I know, I know, I haven’t called, but I’ve been busy with the pumpkins and—Phoebe! There are aliens invading the Candy Kingdom. I’m having Lemongrab mobilize his forces, but there’s a chance we fail to stop the incursion, I need you and the Fire Kingdom to be on guard, ready to bring that fiery rage of your people to war if need be. ...Thank you. They’re a bunch of small one-eyed aliens with advanced technology. Individually they are pushovers, but together they pose a threat. Their leader is a massive skeleton with control over lightning and who knows what other kinds of powers. ...You don’t have to do that. All right, after you get done there, you can meet us at Lemongrab’s. Thanks. Yes, I’ll owe you, but considering—actually, ol’ Koo might owe you one after this too. I’d love to help you check that one in. ...Yes, yes, right, bye.” She hung up. “Now we go.” 

Twilight nodded, walking back to the exit. The Ice King was there, hands on his hips. “Where is he?”

“Gunter?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah! I have no idea where he’s gotten off to! I’m not sure I’ve seen him all day, now that I think about it…” The Ice King scratched his beard. “Hey, Princess, is that deer spinning around your head Gunter?”

Bonnibel forced a smile. “No, this deer isn’t smart enough to be Gunter.” Apex Daffodil landed in Bonnibel’s hair and started messing it up with his antlers. “Not by a long shot.” 

“Huh. Well, if you see him, bring him back. The outside world is a scary place. And Princess?”

“Yes?” Bonnibel asked.

“Uh, other one.” He turned to Twilight. “Next week?”

“I am not sure how long I will remain, but I will be sure to come by before I leave the Candy Kingdom,” Twilight said, bowing to him. “Bonnie?”

Bonnibel mounted her and pointed to the southwest. “Lemongrab’s that way.”

With a burst of wind that toppled the Ice King over, Twilight, Bonnibel, and Apex Daffodil were in the air once more.
> XXIX - A Living Memory
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The MO robots are a series of advanced machines built by Moseph “Moe” Mastro Giovanni, with a myriad of different purposes. He labeled them with the letters of the alphabet, ranging from A to B to C to Z. A man with such genius should have been able to forsee the difficulty upon running out of letters, but he just kept building more robots until he got stumped, and then started using esoteric symbols for beings like *MO that make it really annoying to talk about them aloud.

The MOs, as a whole, are effectively a machine race spread across Ooo. Many of them are wandering randomly, just exploring their digital lives and living alongside the other inhabitants of the world. Most, however, live in the MO factory where more of them are built every day. 

Each MO, of every letter and symbol, was made with some purpose in mind, though they certainly have the programming and awareness to break past this purpose. This is regularly accomplished, though usually by those MOs not living in the factory. 

But it’s a well known fact that MOs don’t have the same brain makeup as the more common organic beings, and thus have weird mental quirks that make them seem quite stupid at times. In the case of certain MOs, almost all the time. 


~~~


Since night was falling and they didn’t want to set up camp, Jake had offered to ferry them all over to the Tree Fort “in style”, which meant he grew to the size of a small bus and stretched his legs to be taller than most trees. Finn, Jack, and Starlight sat on his back, the last of which seemed determined to stare at Jake’s fur and not look up. Rainbow and Lapis took to flying alongside Jake. Apparently, Lapis’ control over water allowed her to shape it into wings sprouting from her gemstone. 

“I’ve gotta race you sometime when we’re all rested,” Rainbow told her. 

“A race?” Lapis couldn’t remember the last time she’d been in an actual race. None of her friends could fly very easily, and she hadn’t exactly been on good terms with the other Lapis Gems. She wasn’t sure what to think of the offer. “Maybe.”

“Yes, but later, we all require rest,” Jack said. 

“I don’t,” Lapis said. “Gems don’t need sleep. Though I was taught how. I still think it’s weird how you shut off your bodies for half the day to reorganize your minds. “

Finn looked to her with wide eyes. “Does this mean… you can adventure all the time? Every hour of every day? Nonstop?”

“I still need rest, I can get exhausted. But I don’t have to turn off to do it. I just…” She stretched her fingers. “Recharge.” 

“It’s internal magic,” Starlight said, softly. She still refused to look up, but kept talking. “Magic reserves regenerate over time naturally. She’s a being of pure magic, so…” she fell silent, drooping lower than she had before. 

“That’s… right,” Lapis said, taking a moment to breathe in and out. Give her a chance, reach out. “You use magic?”

Starlight nodded slowly. 

“Back in my time, only Gems could use magic reliably.”

“You were before the Mushroom Bomb, then. It gave us arcane power.”

Lapis grimaced. Again with that bomb…

“Hey,” Rainbow called. “She doesn’t like thinking ab—”

“SHUT IT!” Starlight shouted, stretching her neck to be sure Rainbow got the message. “I don’t want to hear you stupid little voice.”

Rainbow was taken aback. “Wh—”

“You know what you did to me.” Starlight returned to staring at Jake’s fur, though this time she was seething in rage rather than sorrow. 

“Geez, what did you do to her?” Jake asked. 

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “She was brainwashing a town in—”

“I was showing them the truth,” Starlight spat. “Everypony was happy. We were all equal. And then you had to come around with your petty individualism an—”

“You were lying to them about ever—”

“I had to! Do you think I want this cutie mark? No, I—”

“Oh give it a rest we all know you wanted power you li—”

“Stop interrupting—”

“I won’t st—”

“Enough!” Jack declared, clapping his hands together. “I understand that you two have a sordid history. Please, for tonight, put it behind yourselves. We can discuss it in the morning, after we have rested.” 

Starlight and Rainbow had the decency to look sheepish. 

“Thank you,” Jack said, turning his gaze forward as Jake trundled on through the world. 

About a minute later, Starlight spoke up again. “You don’t have your sword, Samurai. He could kill you at any moment if he knew.”

“He doesn't know,” Jack said, simply. 

Starlight nodded, looking off into the distance. The sun had already set and the light of dusk was dissipating. There was a single star in the distance. “And it will stay that way.”

“Thank you.”

After this, they rode in silence for some time. This suited Lapis just fine—sometimes she learned the most about people when she watched them in silence. She couldn’t read Jake, since he was the mount for this entire operation, but she didn’t exactly have a high opinion of him to begin with so she was glad she didn’t have to think too hard. Finn was unable to sit still, always adjusting his arms and legs. Impatient and uneasy, troubled and confused. He was just a boy in many ways, a boy being asked to think about too much in his life at once. In contrast, Jack was a man. Perfectly still—he might even have been meditating. Despite wearing almost nothing, the chill of the night did not bother him. He was a disciplined, honorable warrior, and Lapis couldn’t help but feel he had authority. Starlight, though… Starlight had power and drive, and a broken spirit. Lapis did not need to know the details to see the turmoil within the unicorn. That face was the face of someone who had just realized how terrible of a person they could be. 

And then there was Rainbow. Energetic, excited, flying—but clearly upset that she was injured. She glanced at her cracked hoof far too often, and every time it brought with it a new bout of frustration. Lapis wished she could help. If only Steven were here…

Lapis clenched her fists and looked forward. He’s not here. You’ll have to find him. Until then, you do what would make him proud. Help these people. Get out of your cave and see the world. Don’t let sorrow control you. 

Looking away from her group, she took a moment to take in the night scenery of the Candy Kingdom. The cotton candy trees and normal trees were hard to tell apart in the lighting, but her eyes were sharp enough to tell the difference by shape alone. 

What did that bomb do? Lapis wondered, brow furrowing. Everything was wrong. The shapes were too round, the normal trees were too full, the scenery was too… bright, even under the darkening night. Only Gems were that bright. That… magical. 

Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe now that the rest of the universe had magic, things would be better. Maybe that was the soft buzzing she felt in the core of her gemstone, so soft she could barely feel it, only when she focused. It made her feel… energized. 

Her body felt better than it ever had. But her mind told her everything was wrong.

“You okay over there?” Rainbow asked.

“Just… thinking.” Lapis looked up at the moon. At least that was the same. “Everything’s different. I’m not sure where to start.”

“Hey, wherever you need to go, we’ll help you get there.”

“After you sleep?”

“Well, yeah! Can’t go on a quest without it.”

“We’re here!” Jake called, shrinking himself down to normal size and depositing his passengers on the ground in front of the Tree Fort. “Home sweet home!”

“...You built your house in a tree,” Lapis deadpanned. “Okay.”

“That’s not weird,” Rainbow said. “Twilight lives in a tree.”

“Yeah, tree houses are perfectly normal,” Jake added.

“The world really has changed…” Lapis walked up to the tree and laid a hand on its bark. “Hmm…”

“What is it?” Finn asked.

“Not sure.” 

With a shrug, Finn opened the door, letting them inside. It was a simple, if messy, living room with torn paintings, loose dishes, and a few dirty socks strewn about the ground. 

“Aight, Jake, let’s go set up the guest beds,” Finn rubbed his hands together. “We’ll need… three, and two fit for ponies.”

Jake scratched his chin. “We have those extra soft couches we looted from the plush dungeon last month.”

“Yeah!” Finn clapped his hands. “We do!”

“What did I tell you?” Jake grinned, shaking his hips. “I told you hauling all of them back here would be totally worth it!” 

Rainbow yawned. “Plush couch treasure sounds great… I’m beat.”

“Oh, and Lapis?” Finn turned to the Gem. 

“Yes?”

“You’re not the only one who doesn’t need sleep. HEY! BMO!”

A small, square robot poked his head out of the cabinet he was hiding in. “Yes, Finn?” He spoke with a digitized, mildly feminine voice. He was a metallic green color with numerous buttons and a screen on his front side, a simple, cheerful face currently displayed. 

Finn patted the robot on the head. “The rest of us are going to hit the hay, but Lapis doesn’t need to sleep. Think you can keep her company, show her some of your games, maybe?”

BMO gasped. “I would love to! Hello Lapis!”

“Uh… hi.” Lapis extended a tentative hand to the short robot. “...BMO?”

“Yes! I am BMO!”

“You seem familiar…”

“Well, you don’t seem familiar at all!” BMO grinned innocently. “Sorry!”

Lapis shrugged, taking a seat at the nearby table. “So, Finn said you had some games to show me…?”

BMO hopped on top of the table and set his display to show a list of games. “Yes! I’ve got so many games, ancient games!” The text scrolled by slowly, and Lapis took it in one game at a time. 

Then she saw a title that made her catch her breath. Golf Quest Mini. “There. That one.”

“Golf Quest Mini?”

“Yes. Steven had that game.” A tear ran down her cheek. “I… Play it, please.”

“Okay!” He reached under the table and pulled out a controller, plugging it into his side. “Who’s Steven?”

“Steven…” Lapis grabbed the controller in her hands and sunk back into the chair, moving through Golf Quest Mini’s menu. “Steven was the kindest soul in the universe…”

“I would love to hear about him, if you’d like to tell me.”

Lapis thought for a moment while the game loaded. “...You know what, I have all night. Might as well tell you about Steven Universe.”
> XXX - The Terms of Surrender
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord Hater’s military strategy can be described as effective only in the short term. The standard assault begins with his ship appearing above a planet and dropping its comically oversized tongue platform onto the ground. Watchdogs will pour out by the hundreds and destroy major buildings and features, sending the local army into a panic. The invasion is almost always too fast to resist, too technologically advanced to hope to repel. The leader of the planet is often found within minutes and forced to make the world stand down, or else Hater will raze it. 

Almost everyone surrenders, if for no other reason than they know the weaknesses of Hater’s strategy: he has a really small attention span. Once a planet is officially conquered, he tends to leave it with minimal to no representation from his army. A planet will have had a dark day in its history but then business will resume as normal. Several of the planets in Hater’s “empire” really don’t follow him: they simply don’t re-declare their independence a week later so they’ll never get invaded again. 

Bingleberryopolis has not learned how to take advantage of Hater’s foolhardy strategy and keeps declaring independence. They keep getting invaded. 

In summary, Hater is good at being the face of a military organization and dishing out raw power. But he’s not a good strategist by any means. 

Unfortunately for everyone else, Commander Peepers is actually good at his job. And occasionally he can convince Hater to pursue alternative methods. On the days Hater listens to Peepers, he actually becomes a force to be feared.


~~~


Pinkie and the King of Ooo ran out of the candy castle, following the banana guards all the way to the city walls. Along the way, they found the party had already been broken up and the people were fleeing to their homes. Eight of the gumball guardians stood at one side of the city walls in fighting stances. As Pinkie and the King approached the edge of the city, Pinkie subtly fell to the back of the group, lowering her head so she became less noticeable. 

As the banana guards led the King up the stairs, Pinkie was pretty sure he had forgotten entirely about her. She had to force herself not to dwell on that—it hurt, but the thing inside of him was more concerning. Some creature had taken over his mental faculties and was doing something. She had little doubt the thing remembered her. But whatever it had been trying to do, it was interrupted by this… what had they said? Eyeball army invasion?

She really wasn’t sure if she should be happy they got invaded or not. It didn’t help that she still didn’t know what the thing had been doing. Hopefully Marceline was having better luck. 

They got to the top of the wall. The King’s confident strut vanished the instant he looked out into the night, replaced with fearful trembling. There, standing in front of the eight gumball guardians, was an army of over a hundred short eyeball creatures, all of them holding ray guns that looked ripped from a science fiction movie. In front of the army stood a slightly larger eye creature and a much larger skeleton with a scowl on his skull. 

“Peasants of the Candy Kingdom!” the skeleton shouted, throwing his arms wide. “I am Lord Hater, The Greatest Conqueror in the Galaxy! Your city will be mine, your people will be mine, your entire kingdom will be mine. I would much rather charge, punch right through your walls, and tear your homes to itty bitty pieces that I would use to build a monument to myself, but today apparently I need your city intact.” Hater glared at the larger eyeball creature, as if he wanted to squish him between his hands. “So… give me your unconditional surrender, or whatever.”

“S-s-surrender?” the King stammered. “Gumball guardians, d-do your job!”

“Yes, my Lord,” a gumball guardian said. They all turned their eyes to hater. 

“WAIT!” the larger eyeball alien said. “May I suggest an alternative?” 

“Wh-who the flip are you?” the King asked. 

“I am Commander Peepers of the Watchdogs, and I want you to take a moment to think. Fighting would destroy so much of both our forces! So, instead of having our armies clash, how about we just have our strongest warriors face off with each other? Then we can decide what happens.” 

The King nodded. “S-someone go get that human boy and his dog!”

“One warrior!” Peepers shouted. “Why not one of these truly massive golem guardians you have? Surely they could defeat any one member of our army. They’re so impressive, bulky, and I bet they have a lot of tricks up their sleeves!”

“You!” the King ordered, pointing at a random gumball guardian. “Show them the power of th-the Candy Kingdom!”

“Yes, my lord.” The gumball guardian stepped forward. “Who is my oppo—”

Lord Hater pointed a finger right at the guardian and sent a massive arc of lightning into its chest. The surge of power moved up the guardian's body and to its glass head, vibrating the gumballs inside. The guardian’s eyes lit up with power, unleashing a double lazer at Hater. He had to raise a green shield to block it, and for a moment he grunted in strain. 

But Hater’s first attack was not done yet. Even without him providing continual energy, the power surge continued to vibrate the guardian’s head until the strain was so much the guardian had to raise a hand to its head, stopping its attack. This allowed Hater to get another shot in, overloading the guardian’s partially-mechanical body even more. It fell back, hitting its head on the ground and cracking the glass. It let out a groan. 

“Easy,” Hater said with a laugh. 

“W-we surrender!” the King shouted. “Be merciful, oh Lord Hater, for we have treasures, beautiful women, and even a freaky dragon thing in the basement that makes syrupy pow—”

A banana guard kicked him in the back, knocking him over the edge of the wall. He let out a terrified scream as he fell down, down, down to the ground. Kicking and flailing, all he managed to do was point himself headfirst to the ground. 

To Pinkie’s horror nobody moved to catch him, not even the gumball guardians that could do it with ease. With legs moving like wheels, she ran straight down the outer edge of the wall like it was a part of the floor, moving faster than the King was falling. She jumped out, grabbing him in her hooves just before they hit the ground, rolling a fair distance in the dirt.

Pinkie coughed, feeling a sharp pain in her ribs. “Yeah, mighta overdone it…”

The King stared at her, wide-eyed. “You… you saved me.” 

“Yeah, that’s what friends do, Kingy. Though…” She glanced at the crown laying on the ground next to them. “I don’t think your people want you to be King anymore.”

The once-King realized this with horror. “Oh no… No! Don’t leave me here! N—”

Pinkie put a hoof on his back. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” She glanced at Hater. “Hey! You!”

Hater blinked. “What?”

“Give us a few minutes to figure out who the leader is now, okay?”

“Uh…” Hater scratched his head. 

“They can’t surrender if they don’t have a leader,” Peeper pointed out. 

“Ugh, fine, get a new leader or whatever.” He folded his arms. “Peepers, your method of conquest is boring and takes too long.”

“But they’re scared and might hand the Kingdom over without any problem!”

“But is that worth it?”

Pinkie let the two of them argue. “Hey, gumball guardian? Remember me?”

One of the standing guardians nodded with a smile. “Yes, Ambassador Pinkie Pie.”

“Could you do me a favor and lift me and the once-King back onto the wall? Pretty please with sugar on top?” She fluttered her eyes expectantly. 

“For you, yes.” He picked both of them up in his hands and set them back on the wall with the banana guards. 

“All right,” Pinkie said, picking up the crown and handing it over to the banana guard who kicked the King. “Who’s in charge now?”

The banana guard examined the crown for a moment, tracing his fingers along its golden edge and staring at the blue crystal laid within. He glanced at his other guards and the handful of other candy people with him. They all nodded to each other, making a decision. 

He set the crown on Pinkie’s head. 

Pinkie’s brain stopped working for a second, but her smile remained. “Y-you sure?”

“You’re the friendliest and most caring person we’ve ever met,” Dirt Beer Guy said, revealing himself from between the Banana Guards. “We couldn’t think of anyone more worthy.”

“But you only knew me for a day!”

“That’s all we needed!” Dirt Beer Guy winked. “And, uh, who else would do it, exactly?”

Pinkie clicked her tongue. “Good point. All right, I guess I’m Princess Pinkie Pie today!” She let out an only slightly nervous laugh. “Gonna have to get some wings and a horn installed to complete the outfit, yeah!” 

“Are you done up there!?” Peepers shouted from the ground.

“Yeah!” Pinkie said, sticking her head over the wall. “Acting Princess Pinkie Pie, speaking!”

“Are you going to surrender?”

“See, I don’t know…” Pinkie said, scratching her chin. “I really, really don’t want to lead these sweet candy people into war, but I also don’t want to be conquered. But! It just so happens that we have a festival going on in the castle, and you know what? I’m going to invite all of you! Enjoy the food, our home, and our people, get to know us a little better!” She held out a hoof and waved. “I’m sure we can become the absolute best of friends and put this whole silly ‘conquering’ business behind us! I can make a pizza in the shape of your face! We could even hammer out a treaty aft—”

“NO!” Hater shouted at the top of his lungs. “I am not being lured into a party, I am not being lured into diplomacy…”

Peepers cautioned Hater with his hands. “Now, Sir, this might give us an easier way into the City…”

Hater completely ignored him. “...and I am not going to listen to anyone with such a disgustingly cheery attitude! You want to ‘help’ me? Let me pound your city into the dust!”

Pinkie allowed herself to frown, since smiles didn’t appear to be working on him. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. And, uh, we’re totally cursed with some evil yellow-eyed demon thing, you really don’t want us. Definitely not.”

“Surrender or don’t.” Electricity crackled around Lord Hater’s hand. “Your choice.”

Pinkie sighed, turning to the banana guards. “Do you guys think you’re up to this?”

The banana guards shrugged. “Probably not…”

“But I’m not gonna let a stupid skeleton blow us up!” another shouted. 

“I dunno, surrender sounds good…”

“HEY!” Peepers shoutd. “We have your Princess! If you’re having trouble deciding…”

Pinkie cocked her head. “But I’m the Princess…”

“Your other Princess. You know? Pink? Made of bubblegum? We’ve captured her!”

“Bonnie…” Pinkie said, biting her lip. “...Everyone, was your previous Princess named Bonnibel Bubblegum, by chance?”

“Yep!” the banana guards said in unison, happy they were able to answer a question simply. 

“Ponyfeathers,” Pinkie muttered under her breath. Of course she had to be the previous Princess, and had to get captured... “Uh, Lord Hater? What would you do to the Princess if we refused to surrender?”

Hater lit up. “Oh, that would be good! If you refuse I get to smash your city and I get to send her to the torture room! It’ll be great for the mixtape! All those screams…”

Pinkie let out a whimper. She didn’t see a way out of this. They wouldn’t accept friendship, the Kingdom was in danger, and even fighting their way out seemed silly. She didn’t want this, she didn’t want any of this. She’d wanted to be an ambassador, meet some candy people, and set up a party. Now there were aliens on the doorstep and she was being forced to decide about a war. 

...No, she wasn’t being forced to decide. She saw it in the eyes of the banana guards and the gumball guardians. They couldn’t bear the thought of their actions tormenting their precious Princess Bubblegum. Every last one of them had a longing, a longing fostered by being under the King of Ooo. Of having a leader who didn’t care about them. 

“...Give us an hour to prepare the people for our surrender,” Pinkie said, mane deflating slightly.  

“An HOUR!?” Hater shouted. 

“That’s perfectly reasonable!” Peepers blurted. “Yes, you have your hour!”

Hater fumed. “But if you wait a minute longer, I will bash these walls down myself!”

“You got it!” Pinkie said. But I’m not Pinkie Promising. If we can think of any other way…

She bounced away from the wall and landed inside the city, adjusting the Crown of the Candy Kingdom with her tail. “Okay…” she waited for the banana guards to fall in line behind her, and the Candy People to gather. “We have one hour to think of something before we have to give in. Spread news to the people, gather anything and everything that might be useful. Party supplies, people, magic artifacts, I don’t know!” She was breathing faster and deeper than she knew was healthy, but she pushed forward. “And, and… we can’t fight, not directly. But if we could save the Princess…”

“Hey, Pinkie!” Marceline shouted, floating out of the castle. “Do you know where I can get some high-yield explosives a—” She noticed the crowd around her and the crown on her head. “Pinkie, what the flippity ding dong did you do!?”

“Eheheh…” Pinkie tried to stand tall and look commanding. “So, the King tried to surrender to a bunch of aliens and the—wait, hold on. Where is the ex-King?”

Glancing around, she, Marceline, and the banana guards found no sign of the ex-King of Ooo whatsoever.

For some reason she couldn’t quite place, Pinkie was absolutely positive his disappearance and the entity within him were much, much worse than the alien army waiting outside.
> XXXI - Unnaceptable Condition
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Earldom of Lemongrab may not be the largest city in the Candy Kingdom, but it has the honor of being the most militarized. It, itself, is a massive fort with an extra wall around it just to add to the defenses. Unlike the Candy Capital, which relies entirely on gumball guardians and the often incompetent banana guards for defense, the lemon people of the Earldom are much more able and willing to take up arms should it be required. They’re not much smarter than the average Candy Person, to be sure, but they are a lot more “sour”.

Most of this difference from the norm is due to their leader, Lemongrab. Lemongrab is one of the few candy people crafted with an intelligence, though that came at the cost of virtually all normal social skills. He’s a shrill man who takes a near-authoritarian view on “how to rule.”

He used to be a complete authoritarian, but after having a rebellion, exploding from the sound of mediocre music, and getting stitched back together by Bonnibel, he cleaned up his act a bit. No longer is the Earldom a cruel fascist state. 

Now it’s just off the wall weird. 


~~~


“There. That fort,” Bonnibel said, pointing down. “That’s his Earldom.”

Below them was a town-sized fort with multiple layers and a lemon dome on top. The coloring was unusually drab for a settlement in the Candy Kingdom: little aside from yellows and grays. Most of the settlement’s infrastructure was clearly hidden within the primary fort, though there were several buildings and streets between it and the utterly massive outer walls. Twilight could already make out little dots of lemon people lining up near the city gates—apparently Lemongrab had taken Bonnibel’s instructions to heart. 

Twilight swooped down, just outside the gates. Both Bonnibel and Apex Daffodil got off, the latter of which grew back to his original size and started grazing. The lemon people waiting for them were short creatures with lemon shaped heads, big noses, and grumpy expressions. They took one look at Bonnibel, nodded, and opened the gates. 

A shrill scream met Twilight’s ears. Someone’s in pain! She took off with a burst of speed, finding that the scream was coming from a tall lemon person in a white and black uniform. He was pointing angrily at the ranks of lemon people in armor with various weapons. 

His scream slowly shifted into words, making Twilight stop her panicked rush. 

“Thiiiiis army is in…. UNACCEPTABLE CONDITION!” he shouted, angrily waving his arms at the ranks of lemony soldiers. Glancing at the army in question, Twilight wasn’t sure what was wrong with it—not that she was an expert in what armies should look like, to be fair. 

“Not a single one of you is wearing the Candy Insignia! When we march, we have to march properly! W—” He noticed Twilight standing there, staring at him. “What are you looking at?”

Twilight was taken aback. “Uh, I, heard screaming and…” She smiled awkwardly. “But it looks like that was all part of the plan, so…”

Bonnibel walked up to them, smiling warmly. “Sorry about Lemongrab, Twilight, he can be… loud. Earl? This is Princess Twilight of Equestria. Princess? This is Earl Lemongrab of… the Earldom of Lemongrab.”

Lemongrab extended a rigid arm. “Greetings, highness.”

Twilight shook his strange, zesty hand. It took all her composure not to shiver from contact with him. “Hello, Earl. We’ll let you get back to y—”

“All right!” Bonnibel shouted, at the army, startling Twilight. “There is an army of one-eyed creatures called Watchdogs threatening the Candy Kingdom. If they aren’t at the Capital already, they’re going to be there soon! Since the Princess-King has consolidated all the gumball guardians and the majority of the banana army to the Capital, we should either suspect to arrive on the scene of a battle or a situation where the King surrendered before a fight even broke out. We don’t know, and we can’t know. Lemongrab, am I correct in assuming you tried to reach the King by phone too?”

“There was nooooo response!” Lemongrab shrieked. Twilight wondered if he could speak in a way that wasn’t some kind of shriek. 

“So either he’s being a fool or he’s already been defeated.” Bonnibel pressed her hands together. “Which means, for the sake of the Kingdom, this army is going to march over there and show those watchdogs that not all of us are pushovers. I want you to reach deep into those sour hearts of yours and find a determination within. They’re trying to conquer your kingdom, your home! You cannot let this happen!”

“No!” The army cheered with anger. 

“Good. We’ll be leaving within the hour. Be ready—and don’t worry about the insignia. We need effective soldiers, not well dressed ones.” She turned her back to them. “Earl, Princess? Come with me, please.” 

The three of them walked toward the central fort of the city, entering another set of gates that led to a yellow-gray set of brick corridors filled with scrambling lemon people. Many of them were grabbing weapons and armor, but several others were busy carting food around and letting out stressed screams. A two-headed lemon was sitting in a corner, crying and munching on a large barrel filled with little lemon candies. 

It was chaos, pure and simple. 

Granted, they were preparing for battle, but something about the way they were doing it was putting Twilight on edge. 

They eventually came to an open room with simple chairs around a wooden table. A single window looked to the east. The tops of the Candy Capital’s towers would have been visible on the horizon were the outer wall not in the way. As it was, the possibility of a beautiful scene was ruined by drab gray defenses. 

Lemongrab took his position at the front of the table and slammed his hands down. “Insulting me in front of my army is—”

“Unacceptable, yes yes, I know,” Bonnibel said, waving a dismissive hand. “We needed to move quickly and you were stuck on uniform choice.”

“Hnnnnghhhhhh,” Lemongrab curled his hands into fists. “One week, dungeon, after this is over.”

“You’re going to put me in the dungeon!?”

“Yes, Miss Bubblegum.”

“Miss Bubble—” She took in a sharp breath and let it out. Unable to form a smile, she could only grind her teeth. “You do have that right.”

“You’re too used to having authority!”

“Too used? I live on a farm, Lemongrab!”

“And who in this Kingdom wouldn’t listen to you if you waltzed in and started giving orders?”

“You!”

“Anyone else?”

“The King, Toronto, and... “ She drummed her fingers on the table. “And…”

Lemongrab harrumphed, frown deepening, though Twilight sensed this was his way of expressing satisfaction. “See? Your conduct i—”

“Um, excuse me,” Twilight coughed, drawing attention to herself. “I see you two have a complex relationship, but do you think maybe you’re being a little unfair to each other? Bonnie, it really wasn’t nice to undermine Lemongrab in front of his people. Lemongrab, Bonnie is trying to do everything she can to stop the invaders from destroying her home, you don’t need to criticize and threaten her just because she’s technically an ordinary citizen.”

Lemongrab and Bonnibel glanced around awkwardly. Bonnibel rubbed her arm while Lemongrab was suddenly very interested in the grain of the table. 

I can’t believe this. “Bonnie, do you think there’s something you should say to Lemongrab?”

Bonnibel pressed her hands together and took in a sharp breath. “Lemongrab, I apologize for undermining your authority. It was uncalled for and unhelpful.”

Twilight turned to Lemongrab. “And Lemongrab…?”

“I’m s… s… s…” Lemongrab gagged before standing as straight as a pole. “No more dungeon for you!”

Close enough, Twilight decided. “Now… make up!” She had been expecting a handshake, but instead Lemongrab spread his arms wide, staring deep into Bonnibel’s eyes. With a nervous smile Bonnibel met the hug, resulting in the most awkward embrace Twilight had ever seen between two beings in her life. Lemongrab’s arms stayed angled and rigid while the gum of Bonnibel’s twisted, uncertain of where to go. The awkward pats were so forced Twilight had to keep herself from snorting. 

Then a woman made out of fire broke through the window. “Right! I’m here, I—” She noticed Lemongrab and Bonnibel. “Wow, did I interrupt some family reunion drama or something?”

Lemongrab and Bonnibel quickly detached from each other. “No!”

“...Family reunion?” Twilight asked. 

The fiery woman nodded, the red gem in her forehead sparkling from her own light. “He’s her son. You didn’t know that?”

“N-no, I didn’t! Th…” Twilight cocked her head. “They look nothing alike.” 

Bonnibel coughed. “Candy people don’t reproduce like that, Twilight. Almost all of us are made directly. I made Lemongrab, like I made most of the candy people.” 

“Oh.” Twilight shook her head. “Now’s not the time, we need to figure out what we’re going to do!” She extended a hoof to the flame woman. “...Phoebe, is it?”

“Princess Phoebe Flame,” Phoebe said. “Forgive me if I keep my hand back, I don’t want to burn you.” 

“Right, right…” Twilight lowered her hoof. 

“How did you get here so quickly?” Bonnibel asked. “I didn’t think…”

“I told the Fire Kingdom to mobilize, left Cinnamon Bun in charge, and flew as fast as I could to Wizard City, punched a wizard, and made him teleport me long-distance. Then I crashed through the window.” She bowed with a coy smile. “I’m here and the Fire Legions will be ready should this little lemony assault fail miserably.”

“You underestimate our capabilities!” Lemongrab shrieked. 

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” Phoebe winked. 

Bonnibel coughed. “Phoebe, this is Princess Twilight of Equestria.”

“And the deer?”

“The d—” Bonnibel jumped in fright once she noticed Apex Daffodil was standing right behind her. “When did you get in here?”

Apex Daffodil crunched some lemon candy between his teeth. 

“Apex Daffodil is just a deer,” Twilight said. “With… unusual powers, but still just a deer.”

“Okay.” Phoebe accepted this without hesitation. “So, when do we go punch some aliens in the face?”

“As soon as the lemon army is ready,” Bonnibel explained.

“The plan?”

“March over there and… I don’t know.” Bonnibel put a hand to the bridge of her nose. “We don’t have any information. The King’s not answering the phone and I don’t have access to much anymore. We don’t even know if he’s fighting or if he surrendered.”

“Then it looks like you need a scout!” Phoebe cracked her knuckles. “I can fly over there, look around, and get back lickety-split. And if they decide to shoot at me I can shoot back.”

“I want to know how many of them there are,” Twilight said. “If we can use our numbers to deter them, we might not have to fight at all.”

Phoebe leaned in, the flames of her body making Twilight sweat. “You want to try to make peace with a bunch of aliens?”

“It’s preferable to war! I don’t want people to get hurt!”

“She is right,” Bonnibel said. “We want to avoid conflict if we can help it, but I doubt we can. I met their leader, Lord Hater, as did Twilight. I don’t think the logic of avoiding a losing battle will occur to him.”

“We have to at least try,” Twilight pleaded.

“Yes… we will.” Bonnibel turned away from them, locking her arms behind her back. “The Candy Kingdom hasn’t been in a full war since last generation’s conflict with the Fire Kingdom. Only this city we’re currently standing in is ready for a fight. Everywhere else… is just prepared for random magic monsters and occasional threats. Not an army.” 

Twilight sighed. “But you don’t think it’ll work.”

“No. I don’t think he’ll listen. I think there will have to be a battle. Possibly a long one.” 

“Then…” Twilight bit her lip. “Then let’s try to make it as painless as possible.”
> XXXII - How a Master Holds His Sword
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dreams have their own existence apart from what is understood as reality. They stand in a place just outside the world that can touch other realms. Fueled by imagination and minds beyond comprehension, dreams exist in a state that cannot truly be studied because to look at them is to change them with your own thoughts. 

However, many creatures call dreams home. Some are benign creatures who drift aimlessly through imaginations, others are guardians of the weak and lost. However, there are also creatures of nightmares that prey upon the minds of many, subsisting off fear, pain, and madness.

Most of these nightmare creatures are rather inconsequential, but occasionally… every now and then you get a hateful pile of evil garbage that has a real force behind it. Those beings need to be pounded into dust, turned into a fine paste, and thrown into a volcano where they can burn for eternity. 

Unfortunately they lack physical bodies so my power fantasies can go nowhere. 


~~~


Finn jumped through a hoop of fire, running away from an incoming tidal wave of ice. He heard laughter from all around him, of both the Ice King and Phoebe. Both laughs turned into sobs, and the world filled with water. Finn screamed as the water entered his lungs, where he sat, drinking tea with a snail that kept waving at him. The snail burst into green flames and Finn found himself hanging upside-down from a tree branch, watching Starlight and Jack fight below. 

Starlight stabbed Jack. She screamed in panic. 

And then the image froze. 

“Well well well well well well well well well…” a higher-pitched reverberating voice said. “You’ve got some trauma in here, butterfly!”

Finn struggled to turn around so he could see who was talking to him, but the tree branch broke and he fell to the ground. The grass rippled like jello, cushioning his fall. Looking up, he saw the sky was shifting rapidly from night to day, but there was no sun, moon, or stars. Floating next to where he had been hanging was a golden triangular creature with a single eye and four black limbs. It wasn’t this that made Finn realize he was dreaming—it was the fact that the triangle was wearing a top hat. 

“Who the blizz are you?”

“Name’s not important, what is important is you, butterfly!” He closed his eye in what Finn assumed was supposed to be a wink. The triangle stretched himself in a wide arc, sliding behind Finn with a laugh. “You’ve got a lot of messed up things in your head, human.”

“Well… that’s why I put things in the Vault!” Finn pointed angrily at the triangle. 

“Your Vault is useless against me.” He snapped his fingers, summoning a large safe into his hand. “I could open it right now and unleash your worst nightmares… but I won’t!” He clapped his hands together, flattening the Vault like a pancake. He folded it into a paper airplane and tossed it into the air where it became a massive rabbit with wings, flying off into the unknown. A meteor hit it, blowing it to bits. 

Finn blinked. “I have no idea what any of that meant.”

“Does it have to mean anything?” the triangle asked, leaning closer to Finn. “This is a dream, as you know. Reality might as well be a lie, here!”

“Huh. Good point.” Finn scratched his chin. “So…”

“So!” the triangle took a seat upon the frozen form of Jack, kicking his feet up on a nearby mushroom. “I see you’ve got the samurai on the mind, hmm?”

“Well, yeah, I met him recently.” 

The triangle broke into several pieces and reassembled, looking down at the stabbed Jack. “Hmm… you know, he looks different.”

“He’s not usually stabbed.”

“Something else, something… missing.” The triangle was suddenly in Finn’s face. “So, butterfly! How about we talk business?” 

Finn stumbled backward into a large gummy bear. “What? Business? I don’t even kno—”

“Yes, business, business! I can give you virtually anything your heart desires, and all I ask for in return is permission to hold one of your swords. You are a legendary hero after all, and I—”

“Begone demon!” A deep, booming feminine voice called through the dream, removing all images except the triangle, Finn, and a bright moon that hadn’t been there before. 

“What the—hey!” The triangle shook his fist at the moon. “This isn’t your kingdom, moonbutt, get out of here!”

A dark face with a horn appeared on the moon’s surface, glaring intently at the triangle. “He is under my protection, demon. You will not assault him or any of his friends.”

“It must take a lot of power to reach out this far, Moonbutt.”

“Your petty insults and name-calling will do nothing to dissuade me.”

“Ah, but what about a de—”

“I said begone!”

With a rush of cold wind, the triangle vanished into nothing. 

“Finn, I apologize, you are being forced awake,” the voice in the moon said. “I’m sorr—”

Finn woke up with a start, discovering that he was in his bed in the Tree Fort. Jake was sleeping in his strange cupboard bed, and he could hear the sound of Lapis playing video games and relaying stories to BMO downstairs. 

What in the world was all that about? Finn wondered, sitting up. ...You know what, trying to figure out my dreams has never gone well. Best not to think too hard about it. 

Despite this resolution, the dream wouldn't leave him. It wasn’t the triangle guy, it wasn’t the voice in the moon, and it wasn’t even the horrific crying at the start; it was Jack getting stabbed that wouldn’t leave him. Jack was fine. Jack was fine. 

With a groan, Finn grabbed the Finn sword and walked down stairs, passing Lapis and BMO. 

“...and then the Cluster formed a hand and arm-wrestled the ship!” Lapis declared as her character on the game putted a golf ball into a living windmill’s head. “It was one of the coolest things ever.” 

They paid Finn no mind as he went to the basement. Starlight and Rainbow were sleeping on separate couches, the former of which was grunting angrily at something. Jack was not on his couch. 

A pit formed in Finn’s stomach. He ran back up the stairs in a hurry. 

“...I dropped a barn on them…”

He ran past his room and up more stairs until he came to the roof. He had been planning to use the vantage point to look for Jack, but instead, he found the samurai sitting at the top of the Tree Fort in a meditative position, the long leaves of the tree providing a comfortable cushion. 

“You are troubled,” Jack observed without opening his eyes. 

“Uh, yeah, had a nasty dream.” 

“Dreams often carry meaning, but just as often they are nothing.” He opened his eyes and stood up, the wind of the night blowing through his hair and beard. 

“Uh… yeah.” Finn put his hands behind his back. “So, what are you doing up here? Instead of… sleeping?”

“Rainbow snores. It made meditation difficult.”

“Oh,” Finn said. A second later he paled. “Oh, sorry, sorry, I’ll let you get back to that!”

“Finn, come here.” 

Nervously, Finn did as was asked. He was much shorter than the muscular form of Jack. Even though he regularly spent his time in the company of people much larger than himself, standing in front of the samurai made Finn feel… insignificant. Here was a real hero with real skill and real power. Finn was just a kid who got lucky. 

Carefully, Jack took the Finn sword and examined it, spending a good long while examining the craftsmanship, the edge, and the blue crystal in the hilt that reflected Finn’s face—never anyone else’s. “A beautiful blade… and one of great power. Who forged it?”

“Some guy named Prismo.”

Jack, for all his stoic controlled expressions, could not hide the shock from his features. “You… wished for this sword?”

“Oh, no, my wish was something else… apparently.” Finn decided he wasn’t going to try to explain something he didn’t fully understand. “The sword came from a bunch of weird time loops and other nonsense. It’s literally made of me! Like, it’s real sweet, best possible sword ever.”

Hefting the blade, Jack swung it around a few times. “There are very few things in this world that can harm the darkness that plagues it. This may be one of them.” He twirled the sword in his hand and offered the hilt back to Finn. “You have the mark of the hero, as I once did.”

Finn took the sword back. “Once? Dude, you’re one of the heroes! You’ve done a bazillion amazing things today alone! You’ve still got it!”

“It is refreshing to see such faith.” Jack laid a gentle hand on Finn’s shoulder. “But my quest has stagnated. I have achieved nothing in many, many years.”

FInn tightened his grip on the Finn sword. “Jack, you—”

Jack interrupted Finn with a look. “You need to learn proper swordplay. You have strength and agility, but no finesse. Let me show you.”

Finn’s jaw dropped. “You… you’re going to teach me? Right now?”

“Yes.” Jack drew his curved blade, holding it out. “First, we will focus on your stance.”

Taking a deep breath, Finn placed his feet firmly on the ground. “Right. How’s this?”

“Terrible.” 

“Figures.”

“Put your dominant foot far in front of the other, and hold your blade in front of your chest. You must defend yourself with it as much as you threaten your opponent.”


~~~


Deep within a tree of darkness, a room with walls like fire held a single occupant. Black, dark, and terrible, with eyebrows of crimson flames and a sickly mouth filled with angled teeth, he was the epitome of evil. When at his full height he towered over most buildings and could vaporize all who opposed him with but a thought. All but the most legendary mortals were insignificant to him, and the very world itself trembled before him. 

Currently he was slumped down, leaning against the wall, throwing the skull of a failed servant against the wall, letting out a disgruntled sigh every few minutes. 

Throw skull. Thunk. Catch. Throw skull. Thunk. Catch. Throw skull. Thunk. Catch. Throw skull. Shatter. No more skull. 

He ground his teeth. “Do not worry, there will be more failed servants. There always are. The latest assassin will come crawling back with cries for mercy. The machines will demand another chance. The spirits will mock me with their persistence. I will always have more to punish.” He reached into a pile of skulls and threw it at the wall again. “Always more. It never ends… as eternal as I, Aku, the Lord of the w—”

Something tickled at the back of his mind, ending his self-absorbed rant. He focused on the tickle, eyes widening. “Who would be so foolish as to touch my mind through the Dreamscape?” He stood tall, scraping his noxious black claw across the wall in front of him, opening up a display of the dreaming around him. He never slept—he did not need to—but he would have been foolish not to have a way to access the realm of dreams. “Who dares disturb Aku?”

“Ay, Aku, buddy!” A triangular shape appeared on the display. “Been a while!”

“Bill Cipher…” Aku leaned in, narrowing his eyes. “What particular breed of insanity has possessed you to bother me?”

“You know, the usual! I’ve got information!”

“I do not play your games.”

“Ah, no games this time! Because today, one time offer, I’m giving it to you free of charge!” He spread his arms wide and confetti flew everywhere in the Dreamscape. “Because you’re my good friend and I want to do you a favor!”

“You expect you can predict me,” Aku said. “And you expect my actions with the information will further your goals. I am not one of your mortal fools. I know your game.”

“You really do take all the fun out of everything, no wonder you sit in the bottom of that tree feeling sorry for yourself all the time.”

“You know, I think I have an artifact around somewhere that can destroy dream-spirits…”

“A certain Samurai appears to have lost his sword.” 

Aku froze. 

“I don’t know why, Moonbutt kicked me out of the dream before I could learn more, but he doesn’t have it.”

Aku cut off the connection to Bill. He stared at the wall in front of him for several seconds. Then, slowly, his blank expression twisted into a malevolent grin of unspeakable evil. He clasped his hands together and began to chuckle. “The grand adventure of Samurai Jack ends not with a grand final battle, but with a careless loss of a legendary weapon! After all these years, I will wipe him from the face of the Earth! Yes! Yes!” He threw his head back and let out a bellowing laugh that cracked the dead earth outside with its power. “Your hours are numbered, Samurai Jack…”
> XXXIII - The Subterfuge Party
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, you create a masterfully multi-tiered plan of insanity that has backups upon backups upon backups. There is absolutely no way it could possibly fail, and all exits have been taken care of. Nothing could possibly go wrong. 

And then an idiot comes in and destroys it all by laughing. 

This is an irritation both the villainous and heroic of the universe have to deal with. Immense, ridiculous plans brought low by one silly, amusing detail. Why? Because it’s funny, apparently. 

Now, when two geniuses go at each other, the ensuing game of you-would-know-that-I-would-know can really go off the deep end. But that’s not important right now. 

What’s important is the significantly less predictable situation where two cloud-cuckoolanders are going at it with “plans” of equal improbable idiocy. 


~~~


“Hey! Skeleton-grin!” Pinkie called, waving from the top of the wall. A fiery shooting star streaked across the sky just over her head. 

“I’m LORD HATER!” Hater matched Pinkie’s hoof wave with a shake of his fist. “Are you done making us wait!?”

“Yeah, actually! You wanna come in and give us your demands now?”

“You listen here, little pink—”

“Sir, that’s what we wanted her to do,” Peepers groaned. “Yes, we’ll come in!”

“Yay!” Pinkie clapped her hooves together. “Could you leave your army outside? The streets aren’t big enough for all of them.”

Peepers snapped his fingers. “Squad two, with us. Rest of you… make camp for the night, or something. I better not get back and hear about laser-to-the eye games, you hear me?”

“I can handle myself, Peepers,” Hater growled. 

“Sir, do you even know what we want from them, exactly?”

“Their power!”

“And do you know what that is?”

“Uh…” Hater scratched the bottom of his skull. “...Not really.”

“And that’s why I’m coming along, okay?”

“Fine. This better not be another round of boring talking, though.”

“It won’t!” Pinkie called out. “I’ve got games!”

“No games!” Hater shouted. 

“...But there’s games and talking. I thought you hated just talking.”

“I… want… AGH! Let’s just get this over with.” He marched up to the city gates. The gumball guardians and banana guards did nothing to stop him as he entered the Candy Capital, Peepers and a half-dozen other Watchdogs following behind.

Pinkie jumped down from the wall, bouncing like a spring before coming to a stop just in front of Hater and his group. Two people ran to stand behind her—Dirt Beer Guy and Toronto. She took a moment to adjust her crown, keeping it straight, before extending a hoof to Hater. “Lord Hater, I, Princess Pinkie Pie, welcome you to the Candy Kingdom! I hoof control of the city over to you!” She pulled a key out of her mane with her tail and tossed it to him. 

It hit his hand, but it slipped through his fingers. His other hand made a swipe, however he only knocked it upward instead of catching it. Stumbling around he made numerous other attempts to keep the key in his bony gloves before Peepers swiped it out of the air for him. 

“This is lame,” Hater growled. 

“But you’re the Princess-Lord of the Candy Kingdom now!” Pinkie blew a party blower and started walking to the castle. “We should celebrate, talk business over a feast!”

“This isn’t business!” Hater spat. “You are my subject.”

“Uh, sure. What do you want me to do?” She blinked several times, expectantly. 

“Uh… uh… ah! Fix my ship.”

“How?”

Hater blinked. “Peepers, how—”

“They may not know how,” Peepers explained. “We’d have to set the engineers on it after we examine their resources and existing technology. We can do that in the morning.”

“Morning?!”

“We have to sleep, sir! It’s late! Let’s just establish our rule, find the royal chambers, and then figure more out in the morning.”

Hater sagged. “I like this a lot better when we have a working ship. I get to blow more things up.”

“Oh, you want to blow things up?” Pinkie asked, waggling her eyebrows. “I’m sure you could put that to good use! There are many demolition proje—”

“Stop. Being. So. Happy. And. Helpful.” Hater seethed. 

“...Would you rather I tried to fight back?” She raised an eyebrow and grinned. 

“I… wh…”

“I’m just doing what you want! Being completely cooperative!” She gave an exaggerated bow that Dirt Beer Guy and Toronto matched. “You want to see the royal chambers? We can go right there, but we’ll pass through the festival hall! Unless, skeletons like you don’t need to eat?”

Hater ground his teeth so hard sparks flew. “I do need… food. But you can’t possibly have goo—”

Pinkie bounced over to the palace doors and threw them open, the light from within much more adequate than the soft glow the pyramids were putting out. “We have pizza, cake, vegetarian sandwiches, and tables made of candy!”

Hater, dazed, walked into the main hall, jaw hanging open. The decorations sparkled and the food looked amazing. Absent-mindedly, he devoured a cupcake and kept walking. “Wow…”

“Neat, huh?” 

Tripping over his own feet, Hater shook his head. “It’s nothing like the great parties we get in space, nothing at all! Why, I’ve seen… parties better than this every tuesday! And I don’t want a party anyway, I just wan—”

“To blow stuff up, I know, but this stuff was already here! Oh well.” She casually cleared a table of delicious food, sending a wince through Hater. So many delectable goods he wouldn’t get to taste. “Sooooo Princess-Lord, sir, beyond helping fix your ship, what does being under your rule mean for us?”

Peepers pulled out a roll of paper and cleared his throat. “Hater’s law one, your new favorite person is Lord Hater. Hater’s law two, your new favorite day is Hater’s Day. Hater’s law three, your new favorite race are the Watchdogs. Hater’s law four, your fav—”

“Uh…” Pinkie grabbed the scroll out of Peepers’ hands and read through it faster than should have been physically possible. “Wow, we can’t follow any of these! I’m sorry, I can’t change everyone’s favorite everything in a day!”

“WHAT!?” Hater shouted. 

Peepers did the equivalent of facepalming, which, considering his head was one big eye, it was a miracle it didn’t send him into a fit of agony. “Sir, none of the planets we conquer do.”

“Wh—why wasn’t I told?” Hater was trembling slightly from the revelation.

“Sir, I thought it was obvious. Usually this list is just a fear-tactic to get them to obey, but I don’t think it’s going to be that helpful here.”

“Oooh, clever!” Pinkie said. 

“Thank you,” Peepers said, bowing slightly. “Still, Sir, you mostly want to own the planets, right? If we bothered trying to get the people to act a certain way there’d be a lot more boring talking like this.”

Hater folded his arms, grumbling. 

“So…” Pinkie tossed the scroll of “laws” over her shoulder. “What do we actually have to do?”

“Anything Lord Hater says,” Peepers said. 

Pinkie stared at him in disbelief. “No forced army service? No slave camps? No—”

Peepers sighed. “Look, just be loyal to Lord Hater, put posters of him up everywhere, and get the people happy with him. We really don’t care how. Can you do that?”

“Absolutely!” Pinkie laughed. “Imma tell you something, I originally was gonna throw this pie in your face and start a chain reaction of events that would knock Hater onto his plot, but you know what? Dirt Beer Guy, cancel secondary pie-fest.”

“Canceled,” Dirt Beer Guy said, taking a pie out from under the table and setting it in front of Hater.

Pinkie jumped to Hater and started shaking his hand over and over, fast enough that he felt like it was going to come off. “Glad to have you as our new supreme ruler, sir!”

Hater didn’t know how to respond to this. 

That was when they heard an explosion outside. 

“Oh for the…” Peepers threw his hands wide. “I leave them alone for five minutes and they start blowing things up!” He marched out of the castle. “I’ll be back after I shout at them all about responsibility. Don’t do anything without me.”

He slammed the door behind him, leaving the hall with one less occupant. 

“He’s really stressed, isn’t he?” Pinkie asked.

Hater nodded. “He’s always so focused. He does his job but he puts waaaay too many ‘protocols’ and ‘rules’ in it.”

“You should keep listening to him, he knows what he’s doing,” Pinkie suggested. “I mean, look at me, I’m working closely with Toronto!” She pointed at the dog, her hoof cracking like a whip. 

Toronto looked up from his notebook. “Why am I suddenly part of this conversation?”

Pinkie ignored him. “Toronto is a greedy little penny-pusher who seeks only his own monetary gain.”

“Hey!”

“But, he’s actually really good at managing the kingdom’s finances and resources, so I got him on board. He’ll be the one helpin—” At Hater’s twitch and small sparks of lightning, she stopped herself. “He’ll be the one following your orders to fix your ship with whatever we’ve got at our disposal! He’s like my Peepers!”

Hater tapped his bony fingers on the table. “Eh, Peepers can do whatever. So long as I get back to conquering planets! Starting with this one!”

“We can go over military plans later,” Dirt Beer Guy said. “You said you wanted to sleep?”

“Ugh, finally, a bed, yes. Royal chambers, sta—”

“How about we have a little conversation, first?”

The thing that was not the King of Ooo walked into the room, making no effort to hide his blazing golden eyes. It was more than a little shocking to see something that had kept itself in the shadows for so long standing in plain sight.

“You were deposed!” Pinkie called, throwing the pie at his face. 

He lifted up a hand, some kind of invisible telekinesis pushing the pie away. “The Waxman was deposed. I was not.”

Hater stood up, grinning. “Ah, you! You look like you want a fight!” He lifted his finger, summoning green electricity to it. “Finally, some fun.”

“Oh no, I’m not here to fight. I could if I wanted, but there’s no point! I just want to make a deal. You see…”

“Don’t listen to him!” Pinkie shouted. “He—”

The not-King held out a hand, pushing Pinkie into a wall and holding her there by the jaw, preventing her from talking. “Not right now, shooting star. The adults are talking.”

“Heh,” Hater said. “Nice one.”

“Thank you, thank you!” The thing bowed, sneer widening further. “Now, my offer is simple. You’re being manipulated by this despicable pink fluff. She doesn’t want to serve you. She wants to HELP you.”

“She is being very helpful…”

“Think, what kind of person about to be conquered would be this happy about it? Nobody, that’s who! She’s trying to turn you from your conquering ways. She cannot be allowed to succeed!”

“You’re right! You’re right!” Hater smashed his hand into the table, breaking it with ease. “This is unacceptable!”

“Yes, it is! But, Peepers was also right, you need this city intact… but how can you tell if they’re listening to you because they’ve been conquered, or because they’re trying to help?”

“Uh… uh… uh…” Hater looked around, suddenly wishing Peepers was here. 

“You don’t… without something more.” The thing extended a hand that became engulfed in ominous blue fire. “Shake, and I’ll give you all the knowledge you need to determine their true motive. No, I’m not doing this to help you. I’m not doing it to serve you either. I want something in return.”

“I’m not giving you anything.”

“Really? All I want is one of the many subjects of the Hater Empire to order around. Just one. Surely you can spare one.”

“Just one?”

“Just one.”

Pinkie somehow managed to break out of the thing’s magic. “No! Don’t do it, Hater! He’s manipulating you! Hemmmfphhh!”

“I might be,” the thing admitted. “But I can guarantee that not only will you get to keep your Empire, your ship will be fixed! I’m not going to destroy any of your possessions as part of this deal.”

“Huh. This sounds like a really good offer.” Hater scratched his chin thoughtfully.

Toronto shook his head slowly, but his motions were rewarded by being tossed over to the side with the not-King’s power. 

“That looks fun… th—aha!” Hater extended a hand. “You have a deal if I get to fight you as part of it!”

“DEAL!” The thing laughed.
> XXXIV - The Calm Before the Storm
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many have written about the palpable electricity that permeates the air before a large battle. I won’t bore you with a pointless reiteration of a poetic monologue.

I will say that no matter how many poems you’ve read, there’s no way to really know what it feels like unless you’ve experienced it yourself. 

It can drive a man mad. 


~~~


The army of lemons moved in a regimented, nearly perfect march. Even the lemony horse-camel things were moving their legs in time with the foot soldiers as they trudged through the night, straight to the not-so-distant spires of the Candy Capital. Every last lemon stared ahead with determination in their eyes, knuckles whitening as they gripped their weapons. 

Twilight and Bonnibel were walking at the front of the army, Lemongrab and Apex Daffodil right behind them. Of the four, only Lemongrab was walking in time, the rest were just doing whatever they felt like. 

Twilight, in particular, kept glancing back at the lemon soldiers. A displeased grimace returned to her features every time she did, prompting her to look away and try to think about something else. Something different than the determined eyes of the lemons. 

“You’re worried,” Bonnibel observed.

“Y-yeah,” Twilight admitted. “We’re leading an army to another army, and… we’re pretty sure they’re going to fight. And… we never had to solve the problems in Equestria this way! There was always the Elements of Harmony, our friendship, some sort of… something.” Her head drooped, staring at the ground. 

“Did any of those problems come with an army?”

“Chrysalis.” 

“Ah, yes, the invasion of Canterlot.” Bonnibel folded her hands together. “You got lucky.”

“What?” Twilight looked up, cocking her head. 

“They were a race of shapeshifters who did an excellent job of impersonating your ponies. Even when they were discovered, they were able to debilitate your military operations from within. I was actually rather impressed—I even took notes.”

Twilight laughed nervously. 

“If it hadn’t been for the surge of… well, I didn’t know what it was at the time, but I’m sure now that it was harmony magic. If it wasn’t for that, Equestria would probably be in civil war right now trying to root out the changeling infestation.” 

“But we aren’t, we dealt with it!”

“Again, you got lucky.” Bonnibel curled her hands into fists. “You can’t solve every problem with peace, no matter how much you’d like to. Sometimes you have to really hurt people.”

“I… I don’t want to.”

“Today, you don’t have to.” Bonnibel smiled softly. “I have to.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I—”

“Don’t be. This is far from the first time. Though it has been a while…” She took in a sharp breath as they crested another hill. “Lemongrab was right. Even deposed, they still listen to me. I’m a mythical figure.”

Twilight folded her ears back. “You don’t sound pleased about that.”

“I used to be.” 

“The past doesn’t matter. Not right now.”

Bonnibel’s proud stature collapsed as she allowed her shoulders to hang low in exhaustion. “I don’t want to fight either. If I thought there was another way…”

“Then take it. If you see it. Don’t…” Twilight swallowed. “Don’t let me stop you.”

“Right. Right,” Bonnibel said, as though she weren't fully aware of the words she was speaking. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. “I’m glad we met, Twilight.”

“I’m glad we’re friends, Bonnie.”

Bonnibel let out a soft sigh, but a smile crawled up her face anyway. “Twilight…”

Twilight held up a hoof. “Now, don’t launch into a ‘we might not speak again’ speech. We’re getting through this. Somehow. I can feel it.”

“I wish I had your optimism.”

It was at this point Phoebe dropped from the sky, creating a small crater of fire a few yards in front of them. Twilight, Bonnibel, and Lemongrab ran away from the rest of the army to meet up with her. Apex Daffodil continued to munch on a nearby bush, growing pink razor teeth to devour the entire thing. 

“Freak deer,” Phoebe muttered as the three of them got there.

“Report!” Lemongrab screeched. 

“Ugh, I’m the Princess here, you’re just an Earl. I give reports I want to. Which I do. But not at the sound of your screeching.” She coughed. “Lord Hater and Commander Peepers were allowed into the city, the rest of the Watchdog army is setting up camp outside. They’re vulnerable.”

“Acceptable,” Lemongrab said. 

Bonnibel frowned. “Hater and Peepers are in the city?” 

Phoebe nodded. “I saw them go in. A pink pony was there.”

“Pinkie… she’s fine.” Twilight let out a sigh of relief. “Did you see anything else about her?”

“I wasn’t able to get a good look at her, but she seemed fine, given how fast she was moving.”

“Did you see Marceline?” Bonnibel asked.

“No, sorry. I did see a lot of Watchdogs, and for guys that are all eye they sure are oblivious. I am a bright glowing firework and not only did nobody notice me, I was able to swipe this.” She tossed one of the Watchdogs’ ray guns onto the ground. “Tah-dah, their primary weapon.”

Bonnibel picked the gun up and examined it. She pointed it at a nearby rock and pulled the trigger. A beam of energy shot out but did nothing aside from heat the rock up. Flipping a switch, she pulled the trigger again, and this time the beam did enough damage to crack the rock. “Two settings. The default is a stun.”

Twilight blinked. “That’s actually really smart for a conquerer. You want to still have your conquered people around.”

“Quite,” Bonnibel admitted. “Furthermore, even the high setting isn’t all that powerful, considering. You definitely don’t want to get hit by it, but shielding should be able to deflect it easily.”

Twilight nodded. “I think my horn’s healed enough to provide some shields, bu—”

“No, you’re not fighting,” Bonnibel said. 

“Bonnie, even if I don’t like it, I stand by my friends.”

“And you’re an Equestrian Princess. Your people need you. You shouldn’t charge into battle unless you’re needed.” Bonnibel turned to Lemongrab. “How many of your lemon soldiers know barrier magic?”

Lemongrab let out an annoyed screech. “Unacceptable amounts! Nowhere near enough!”

Bonnibel scratched her chin. “Okay. Let’s split the army up. Keep those we can barrier in the front, the rest are reserved if we can’t take the battle quickly.”

“Nine of the gumball guardians are still up and running,” Phoebe said. “If they see you…”

“They’ll help us. We have to assume that. Though, being partially technological, they would be more susceptible to the energy beams, so we can’t count on them being an instant victory. Especially if Hater comes out.”

“I’ll take him.” Phoebe punched her hand with her fist, grinning. “When he shows his ugly face I’ll make him feel like his face is burning off.” For a moment, her face erupted into a horrifying torrent of flame and rage, heating up the air around them considerably. 

Despite the heat, Twilight shivered. Apex Daffodil shapeshifted his head to copy Phoebe’s enraged head. 

“Do we really need the freak deer?” Phoebe asked, returning her face to normal.

“No,” Bonnibel admitted. 

“But we’re not getting rid of him, are we?”

“No,” Twilight said, petting his side with her wing. 

“Fine. Let’s just… get this battle underway.” 

They continued their march, cresting another hill. Just one more hill, Twilight thought, her stomach twisting in more and more knots, telling her exactly how much what she was about to do went against everything she stood for. She was marching with an army to battle. 

There had to be another way…

But she didn’t see one. Even with the Elements, they couldn’t take care of an army… could they? Even then, if she could tap into them, they were far from the Tree, and only three of them were here, not six. And Hater wasn’t the sort to listen to reason, or even an offer of friendship. If anything, the idea of being offered peace seemed to insult him. 

“Pinkie, be safe…”

They heard a massive explosion in the direction of the Candy Capital. 

Everyone glanced at each other nervously. 

“Increase marching speed!” Lemongrab shrieked.
> XXXV - The Battle of Wide Eyes
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Watchdogs, all things considered, are rather frail. They’re small, can’t develop large muscles, and have a massive weak point on full display. Their weapons are rather low-power, which is both a help and a hindrance. 

They’re also largely incompetent. 

As such, their strengths are largely regulated to their numbers and the element of surprise. When a horde of eyeball monsters with flashy laser guns charge, most of the will to fight vanishes. And when they do fight back, usually the Watchdogs will have a leader directing their movements. 

Strike them when said leader is absent, or when said leader is infuriated…

They’re like sheep. 


~~~


“Block,” Jack called. Finn raised his sword, meeting Jack’s own. “Good. Now, I’m going to swing three times from different directions, intercept them. Don’t worry about attacking.”

“Right,” Finn said, wringing his hands over the hilt of the Finn Sword. 

Jack swung from the left, which Finn met easily. Jack slid his blade off Finn’s and brought it all the way around to the right side, which Finn had to jump back from so he had room to block. Jack made use of this, however, sliding up the Finn sword until he could smack Finn in the side of the head with the flat of his blade. 

“Ow…” Finn muttered, rubbing his head. “Geez, you’re fast.”

“Speed, not power, is the chief requirement in a swordsman. You have the frame for it, and the reflexes, but you need to train for mindfulness.”

“Sounds about right, Rattleballs was saying something similar.”

“Rattleballs?”

“A robot. My last teacher.”

“I was under the impression you hadn’t had any training.”

“Nah, I’ve had some. Dad taught me most of the stuff I know, and Rattleballs…” Finn rubbed the back of his head. “I only trained with him for a day.”

“That explains your half-developed skills.” Jack flicked the hilt of his sword into his other hand and sheathed it. 

“Aww, but sword training!” Finn waved his hands in the air.

“Warriors need rest, Finn. I will continue to train you in the way of the sword come morning.”

“Bubble-donk…” Finn sagged. “I am pretty tired. To sleep?”

“To sleep.”

They made their way to the trapdoor that led back into the Tree Fort. They didn’t get far.

“Hey! Finn! Old guy!” Marceline shouted, floating down from the sky. “There’s an alien army attacking the Candy Capital and they have Bonnie!”

“They’ve got her!?” Finn gasped. “We’ve gotta stop this!”

“The day never ends,” Jack observed. “How far?” 

“Few minutes, by Jake,” Marceline answered. “Where’s Jake?”

“Asleep.” Finn poked his head into the Tree Fort. “Hey! Jake! Emergency! Candy Kingdom being attacked! Peebles’, kidnapped!”

“I’m up, I’m up!” Jake called from below. “Aaaaagh, I need more sleep! I have a headache!”

“Tough luck, we’ve got some hero-ing to do!”

“Perhaps I should handle this,” Jack suggested. 

Finn let out a short laugh. “How many times have you saved Peebles from being kidnapped?”

“If we are referring to Princess Bubblegum, two times.” 

“I… wasn’t expecting any, honestly, but, I’ve done it a lot more!”

“We don’t know where she is,” Marceline said. “Pinkie had me check their army and their crashed ship. I found nothing there, just more eye-aliens. So you guys are next on the list. Most of their forces are around the city walls. The army won’t take them on because they have Bonnie, but we…” 

Starlight teleported to the roof. “You want to take on an army of aliens!? Are you crazy?”

Rainbow flew up, rubbing her eyes. “Yeah, especially at this time of night.”

“It doesn’t seem that unrealistic,” Lapis offered, floating up to them while holding BMO in her water, continuing to play her video game. “Seems pretty par for the course, right BMO?” The game declared “par!” prompting Lapis to give everyone a cheesy grin. 

“Hah! Nice one!” Jake said while everyone else stared at her in disbelief.  

“All right, fine,” Lapis set BMO down, cracking her knuckles. “I’ll bring a tidal wave on this ‘alien army’.” A tornado of water rose from a nearby lake and coalesced behind her. 

“Wow. That’s… perfect.” Marceline broke out into a disbelieving laugh. “I have no idea who you are but you’re exactly what we need!”

“I’m Lapis. Lapis Lazuli. ...Gem Princess.”

“Gem…?” Marceline’s eyes widened and she put a hand to her mouth. “I thought all of you were gone.”

“Apparently… not.” Lapis sighed. “Let’s talk about it later.”

“On it,” Jake said, growing to the size of a bus again. “Welcome aboard the—” he let out a huge yawn. “—S. S… doggy treat express, or something.”

Starlight put a hoof to her horn and groaned. “You’re going to fall asleep while running us there.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“I’ll just execute a long-range teleport. I’ve been there before, I know where to appear.” 

“Do it,” Jack said. “Everyone, prepare for battle.”

Lapis set BMO down, shooing him off into the Tree Fort. Daintily, she set her feet on the ground next to Finn. Jake, Rainbow, Marceline, and Jack lined up next to them. 

Starlight lit her horn. “I’m taking us a little ways out of the city.” Two layers of magic appeared around her horn and a soft magic circle appeared at her hooves. “We’ll be able to make a plan there.”

“Pinkie already has part of a plan for this.” Marceline reached into her pocket and pulled out a firework. “I’ve got a few of these. We needed an explosion for something else… but why not use them?”

“Insert confused chaos into their ranks…” Jack nodded in approval. 

“Here we go…” Starlight pulled her head back, executing the spell. There was a bright flash, and in an instant the entire group was sitting on a hill just outside the Candy Capital. It was easy to make out the enemy encampment outside the city gates, being watched carefully by the gumball guardians. 

Rainbow snickered. “They won’t know what hit them.”

Lapis gathered more and more water behind her. “They won’t have any idea…”

“Hmm…” Marceline frowned, looking at the Candy Capital. “The pyramids are glowing.”

“They’re not supposed to?” Jack asked.

“They weren’t earlier…” She shook her head. “I’ll worry about it later. Right now, let’s confuse the heck outta these eyeball freaks!”


~~~


A Watchdog by the name of Jeff was on the night watch. Currently, he was occupying his time by cooking a mini-sausage over a warm fire and humming a cheery tune. He actually liked this new method of conquering. Usually, it was all way too exciting and over too fast. Here, he actually had a moment to relax, cook, and enjoy himself while Lord Hater did the real work. 

It was a nice change of pace and he hoped this whole planet was like this. Plus, everything smelled pleasant. The scent of sugary, fruity goodness had been a constant presence ever since they approached the Candy Capital. Even the grass was tasty! But, alas, it wasn’t sausage, so he still had to cook—though he enjoyed cooking. 

Around him, Watchdogs were either sleeping or running around, looking for something to do. Jeff thought those scampering around like war could break out at any minute were being silly. Those massive gumball guardians wouldn’t dare do anything so long as they had the Candy Princess. 

They were safe. And Jeff was happy. 

That is, until a vampire lady with a sharp grin appeared in front of him, holding a lit firework. 

“Sup.”

“Oh no…” Jeff glanced at his sausage. It wasn’t even fully cooked. 

The vampire tossed the firework into the flames, triggering a bright blue explosion that shook the ground, waking every Watchdog up in an instant. Seeing the blue explosion coming from the middle of their camp with no known source, they started screaming in panic. Many started shooting wildly at the sky, occasionally hitting each other with their weapons. A few cried out with tears for Commander Peepers or Lord Hater, but neither of them were there to hear the cries. 

Jeff hurt all over, but he had somehow retained consciousness and a hold on the stick he was cooking his sausage on. It was charred black. What a cruel joke. 

It got worse. A stretchy yellow dog charged in, punching dozens of Watchdogs at once with his many limbs. Jeff got a punch to the back, tossing him into the air. He landed on the dog’s back, groaning. At least the dog was soft…

A humanoid kid with a bear hat planted his foot in Jeff’s stomach. “Take this!” He swung his sword like a golf club, smacking into Jeff’s head and tossing him into a garbage pile. This garbage bin would have protected him, had some unicorn not levitated it into the air and thrown it into some Watchdog tents that were still standing. 

Covered in bruises and scrapes, Jeff stood up. He realized he didn’t even have his weapon anymore. There was no fighting back. 

Those who were fighting back weren’t having much better luck. A rainbow pegasus weaved in and out of their energy bolts, kicking them right in the eyes. The kid was finding it pathetically easy to kick them over with a flick of his foot. And then there was the samurai warrior...

Jeff could only watch the samurai in awe. While the dog may have had more of a visual presence, it was clear that samurai was the most effective of all the attackers. One moment he was moving through blaster fire without breaking a sweat, the next he was jumping so high he crossed the entire encampment, prompting the persistent Watchdogs to shoot each other. He even deflected some of the blaster fire with his sword! Who had those reflexes!?

A drop of water hit Jeff in the head. Ugh, and now it’s raining too?! How could this get any worse? He looked up. He could still see the stars—not a cloud in the sky. Though there was a soft rippling. 

Uh oh. 


~~~


Lapis Lazuli dumped the contents of a lake onto the encampment, picking Rainbow, Starlight, Jake, Finn, and Jack out with waterspouts to keep them from the rushing water. Every single watchdog was swept away, all tents collapsed, and every fire was put out. 

The army was in complete disarray. 

“That’s how you do it, sister!” Jake called, high-fiving her. 

Lapis grinned. “They never stood a chance.”

“What is going on out here!?” Commander Peepers shouted, marching out of the City with murder in his eye. “I swear I—”

Lapis pointed a finger at him. “I wouldn’t!”

Peepers froze, taking in the sorry state of his army and the scene of several people standing proud like they’d done all of this. 

“Good Watchdog,” Finn said, cuckling. “Now, how’s about you let us in to take on your boss!”

“Yeah!” Jake added. “I don’t even know who the boss is, but I wanna punch his face in!”

“Lord Hater won’t be facing you,” Peepers said, folding his hands together. “Because that wasn’t all of his forces. Hey!” He pointed at the gumball guardians. “You lot! Stop standing around!”

“...What?” the gumball guardian said, visibly confused. 

“You’ve surrendered! You serve Hater now! Take care of these fools or we’ll torture your Princess!”

The gumball guardian sighed. “Fine…”

Lapis’ eyes widened. She quickly raised a vortex of water between her and the gumball guardian. The gumball guardian unleashed his lasers, hitting the watery shield directly, converting it to vapor in seconds. A significant portion of the attack’s energy made it through, hitting Lapis and tossing her back. 

“Dongles,” Jake said. “This might be bad.”

“I can take two. Maybe three,” Jack said. 

“There are nine,” Starlight pointed out. 

“Exactly the problem.” 

The gumball guardians moved forward to continue their reluctant attack. 


~~~


Bonnibel lowered her binoculars and handed them to Twilight. Twilight could scarcely believe what she was seeing—the entire Watchdog army being trounced by a handful of individual warriors. 

“Wow.” Twilight lowered the binoculars. “That’s… kind of pathetic, actually.”

“They may not even need our help,” Bonnibel laughed. “They’re just gonna sweep them away and all this work will have been completely unnecessary.”

“Unacceptable!” Lemongrab shrieked. “We built this army, we’re gonna use it!” 

Twilight shook her head. “No need. They have it in hoof. We might as well sit back and enjoy the show.”

Apex Daffodil summoned a massive bucket of popcorn and stuffed his face into it. 

Bonnibel held the binoculars back to her face. “That one guy with the skills sure can jump well.”

“Mnhhh I think he jumps good,” Lemongrab dissented.

“That’s grammatically incorrect.”

“It sounds better!”

“Can I go over there?” Phoebe asked. “Please? I wanna burn them.”

“Sure y—” Bonnibel couldn’t stop a laugh as she lowered the binoculars again. “Nevermind, they just won. Someone dropped a lake on the army.”

Phoebe shivered, relieving many nightmares. “I don’t want to go over there any more.”

“You won’t have to. It’s over.” She put her hands on her hips, grinning. “You know, I really should give Finn an award or something. I know the King did but Finn… we treat him like a kid. And he is, but he’s still been the hero enough times we should start recognizing it.”

“Mneeeeeh…” Lemongrab whined. 

“Something to think about when I get my Kingdom back.”

“I notice you didn’t say ‘if,’ “ Twilight observed, raising an incredulous eyebrow. 

Bonnibel opened her mouth to respond, but then the gumball guardian attacked. Even from this distance, they could see the light without binoculars. “Oh no…”

“Why… why are they fighting?”

“They still think I’m captured!” Bonnibel shouted, jumping onto Twilight’s back. “Get me there as fast as possible!” She turned to Lemongrab and Phoebe as Twilight spread her wings. “Stay behind us, but bring the army!” 

Twilight took off, and Bonnibel started shouting at the gumball guardians. “Hey! Hey, stop! It’s Bonnibel! It’s mother! Stop! I’m not in danger!”

From that distance, they couldn’t hear her. They didn’t even see her and Twilight coming. 

“We need to get their attention…” Bonnibel winced as a gumball guardian unleashed another laser while one got punched by Jake. “I don’t want any of them to get hurt.”

“I can try an audio spell,” Twilight gasped. “But I’d slow an—”

As it turned out, they didn’t need to do anything to grab the gumball guardians’ attention. Because the most attention-grabbing noise in the Candy Kingdom was broadcast at a volume never heard before. Nobody in several miles was able to stand without feeling like their ears were falling off. 

Lemongrab was shouting. As loud as he physically could. 

“YOUR FIGHTING IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!”

The gumball guardians stopped instantly. Twilight lost control of her flight and crashed into the ground. Lapis dropped all the defensive water she had grabbed. Jake turned into a brick and fell to the ground. Few had the will to move after hearing such an unholy abomination of a noise. 

Bonnibel was one of them. Shakily, she stood to her feet and started hobbing toward the gumball guardians. Now that they were looking toward the direction of the sound, they could see her waving her arms. She tripped and fell face-first in the mud, groaning. 

The closest one jogged to her in four massive steps and picked her up. “You are not captured.”

“No… I’m free.” Bonnibel wiped the mud out of her eyes. “And I’ve brought a lemon army.”

“It is no longer necessary.” 

“I know. But you don’t need to fight anymore. It’s over.” She brushed her hands off on her shirt, breathing heavily. “Set me down at the gates.”

The gumball guardian moved back to the others, setting Bonnibel on the ground in front of Commander Peepers. Twilight landed next to her seconds later. 

“What in Celestia’s name was that noise, Twilight?!” Rainbow asked, rubbing her ears. “My head hurts…”

“It’d… take too long to explain,” Twilight said. “But we owe that noise so much.”

Bonnibel flexed her wrists, “Yes, yes, I suppose I can give him an award too…”

“You’re not even a little proud?”

“Wait for my headache to die down, then maybe I’ll be proud.” She cleared her throat, turning to Finn and his group. “Heroes of the land, I thank you for your service in liberating us.”

Jack bowed to her. “It is our pleasure to assist.”

“Now, has anyone seen Marceline?”

“She’s gone into the city, dealing with something that Pinkie wanted exploded.” Finn shrugged. “She didn’t really explain much.” 

Bonnibel nodded, a smile coming to her face. “Good. Now…” Her expression soured. She kneeled down so she was eye level with Commander Peepers. “Commander.”

“P-princess…”

“Technically speaking, I’m not Princess right now. But the gumball guardians will listen to me. So… how about you surrender?”

“The Hater Empire never surrenders!”

“Your army is decimated and not even Hater can take on the entire Kingdom by himself. You’ve lost.”

“And we didn’t even have to use the lemon army!” Twilight cheered, clapping her front hooves together. 

“So…” Bonnibel lifted Peepers’ head up with a finger. “Surrender?”

“I… I…”

Lightning struck, but there was no cloud in the sky. There was no light, either. Just a dark gash across the sky and a thundering boom that was far more forceful than Lemongrab’s scream, if less agonizing. The few Watchdogs that had stood back up fell over once again. 

A dark shape rose from the ground; a black spire coalesced from a void-like tarry substance. Arms erupted from the sides as swords, riddled with thorns the size of buildings. The head took shape, towering above even the gumball guardians. Sickly green strands appeared, forming the edge of the mouth that grew numerous bladed teeth. The eyes popped into existence with crimson flames above, and numerous flat-tipped horns grew out of the head’s top. 

The towering entity of darkness looked down… and laughed. 

“Aku…” Jack breathed, short of breath. He took a step back. 

“Samurai…” Aku lifted his hands to the night sky. “I do not believe I’ve had the pleasure of hearing real fear in your voice. I am going to relish this.”
> XXXVI - Hater's Button
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone has that one thing that they hate more than anything else. I’m not talking about a person, an idea, or even an event—not everyone hates others, some don’t care about ideas, and others have had dreadfully boring lives without any events of note whatsoever. 

Yet, despite the varied experiences everyone has, there’s still that one thing. The moment the one thing is brought to their mind, they react. Some burst into tears, while others tremble in fear, while still others enter a state of tranquil fury that will instill fear in all who see them. 

There is also the boring response, that of mad rampaging rage. 

My button is pressed when certain people correct my grammar. 

For others, the button is much simpler. A simple sound could send certain people into a frothing rage. 


~~~


Twang. 

Hater’s hand stopped just short of grasping the blue, flaming palm of the not-King. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” the thing asked, visibly confused. 

“The-”

Twang.

Hater whipped his head to the side, threatening to dislocate his jaw. Pinkie was still pinned to the wall… but, in her tail, she held a simple banjo. 

Yes, look at me. Pinkie strummed the banjo by flicking it across her bottom hoof. 

“Banjo…” Hater breathed. 

The not-King’s left eye twitched. “Focus, Hater, she’s of no consequence! It’s just a—”

“BANJO!!” Hater screeched with a fury that would make demons cower. Moving so fast it was like he teleported, he punched a fist into the wall, creating a hole right next to the banjo. Spreading both of his hands apart, each one sent out a bolt of electricity. The first utterly decimated the banjo and the second sent Pinkie flying into a large stack of pizzas. 

Pinkie, now free of the not-King’s grasp, let out a slightly creepy giggle. She pulled another banjo out of her mane and started playing a ditty. 

The not-King held out a hand, scowl twisting so deep that it had to be painful. “Enough!” Pinkie was held in place, the banjo strumming stopping. 

This did nothing to stop Hater from punching again, destroying the banjo and knocking Pinkie out of the telekinetic grasp. Pinkie took the opportunity to jump out the window—and, of course, pull out another banjo. 

“The noise… the noise!” Hater tore at his horns and rammed his head into a wall, making it crumble to dust. “Make it stop!”

“I can make it stop!” The thing offered, extending a flaming hand. “Just shake a—” Hater jumped out the window in pursuit of Pinkie, leaving the not-King behind. “...Idiot.”

“Hi!” Pinkie Pie said, smashing the banjo into the not-King’s head, knocking him to the ground. “Bye!” She jumped out another window, getting out of his reach. 

“You want to play games with me, shooting star!?” he hissed, standing back to his height. “Cute as always. But you should kn—”

Hater jumped back in and shot the not-King with a bolt of lightning, singing his waxy hair. The skeleton charged over him, stepping on the Waxman’s back at least two times before jumping toward the window Pinkie had left through moments before. 

“Hmm, this is real easy!” Pinkie observed, bouncing over Hater’s head and landing behind the not-King—with yet another banjo. “Hey Hatey! I’m over here!” 

“I will turn your eyeballs into a smoothie!” Hater called, shooting several dozen bolts of electricity. The not-King bothered to deflect them this time, but it put a strain on his magic. 

“You idiot! Don’t you see she—”

Hater punched the not-King in the mouth, jumping over him to get to Pinkie. She continued strumming, humming a chipper tune, encouraging his attacks to get more and more violent. With a giggle, she jumped under a table. He punched through it, cracking the floor beneath—only to discover that she was on his back, strumming in his ear. He swiveled his skull and bit down on her, but it was a cotton candy decoy of Pinkie with no banjo at all. 

He spat out the delectable candy. “Why are there more of you!? Why!?”

“I dunno!” Pinkie said, tripping Hater by appearing under his legs. “But if I’d known the way to win was to just be myself, I would have done this a looooong time ago!” She handed him a comically oversized bomb with a bow on top. “I got a little carried away trying to be Ambassador Pie!”

The bomb exploded, showering Hater in confetti. “Go back! Go back to being the Ambassador!” His voice cracked with an uncharacteristic desperation. “Please!”

“Nope!” Pinkie declared, slapping a party blower and hat on him. “This isn’t just what I need, it’s what you need! Turn that skeletal frown upside down and laugh!”

Hater attempted to speak but only a party blower noise came out. Furious, his electricity reduced the hat and blower to ashes. Dropping to all fours he pounced at Pinkie like a cat. 

He hit one of the pizzas that had been decorated to look like her. A pie hit him in the head, and two banjos fell from the ceiling, landing on the ground to both of his sides. 

Crackling with sparks of barely restrained power, he pushed his fists into the wall and removed a chunk of it twice as large as himself. He whirled around and smashed it directly on top of Pinkie, kicking up a massive cloud of dust. 

All fell silent. 

“Finally…” Hater said. “Finally…”

“Oh, that means I can talk again!” Pinkie said, revealing herself to be standing on top of Hater. 

“WHAT!?” 

“I j—” Hater grabbed her by the neck and threw her to the ground. She bounced as though she were made of rubber, coming to a stop just outside the window. 

She took a moment to adjust her crown. Somehow, it was still on her head. 

She could tell this infuriated Hater almost as much as the banjo. 

Hater charged. 

Pinkie met him with her hooves, entering a tango with him. 

“No! No! Hater does not DANCE!” 

“All right!” She let go of him. 

He fell out the window. That said, it was the first floor’s window, so there wasn't much damage done—just more lost dignity. He jumped up, entire body swirling with green power. “I will wipe this city off the face of the planet! AAAAAAAAA!”

He charged. 

Pinkie pulled out a trampoline. 

He went flying all the way across the Candy Capital until he created a Hater-shaped depression in the interior of the city wall. 

“...Did you just launch Hater across the city?” Marceline asked, appearing beside her with the axe-bass poised to attack. 

“Yep! And Marcie, were you going to chop off his head?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that’d be? A head hopping around without a body?”

Marceline processed this for a few seconds before pulling her hair back and chuckling. “No, Pinkie, I don’t.”

“Think about cutting off heads next time.” Pinkie insisted. “Anyway, you have the bomb?”

“I’ve got one big bang left,” Marceline said, holding up a firework. “We just need to get down there.”

“And I know he’s n—” Pinkie glanced around the trashed hall. There was no sign of the not-King whatsoever. Her smile vanished instantly. “Ponyfeathers. He took advantage of us.”

“The pyramids are glowing too.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Agh, whatever’s going on down there…” She spread her legs and stooped to the ground. “Get on, we’re going to run. I’m faster.”

Marceline shrugged, getting on. “You sure you—”

Pinkie took off like a racecar, becoming a streak of pink barely visible as she moved through the halls of the castle. She stopped dramatically at the entrance to the dungeons to check on Marceline. “Good?”

“Wh… Pinkie what are you?”

“That’s a very good question, a—” a blade of darkness cut across her mind. Flaming eyes were staring at her. Her stomach did a flip-flop and her tail twisted itself into a knot. Laughter. “—oh no.”

“Oh no what?”

“It’s… it’s not our problem. This is our problem.” She shook some confetti out of her tail. “You know the dungeon. Point and I go.”

Marceline pointed, and Pinkie took off like a racecar again. The monsters in the dungeon barely registered her presence as she sped past them, soon arriving at the trapdoor in the ground. She jumped down, taking a battle stance with Marceline at her side. 

She saw, for the first time, what Marceline had seen. The cavern with the crystalline structure in the floor, the ancient drawing on the wall, and the safe. Except, the safe was open, and there was something tied to the altar, imprisoned within a golden-yellow bubble. 

It was a penguin.

“...What?” Pinkie cocked her head. “I… a penguin? What? That’s the key component of this evil ritual? I…” She let out a deep laugh, throwing her head back. “Okay! So that’s how people feel around me! A penguin!” She clapped her hooves. “I have no idea what it means but I love it!”

“That’s not a normal penguin.” Marceline strode toward the altar, holding out a shaky hand. “That’s Gunter.”

“Gunter?”

“The sealed form… of Orgalorg.” She turned to face Pinkie with uncertain eyes. “The entity from before the dawn of time that tried to absorb the power of the Catalyst Comet.” 

“...Oh.” Pinkie blinked. “That makes more sense.”

Marceline pulled out the firework, laying it at the base of the altar. 

Pinkie bit her lip. 

“Pinkie, the penguin may look innocent, but it’s an ancient evil.” She pulled out a match. “I’m not sure why we let it wander around.”

“Probably because you know you wouldn’t be able to destroy him.”

Marceline transformed into a monstrous bat-creature three times her normal size, brandishing her fangs at the not-King that had just teleported to the crystal platform. He looked… terrible. His waxy hair was half-melted, numerous scrapes, bruises, and charred sections lined his body, and half he was favoring one of his legs. None of this kept his eyes from glowing or his mouth from twisting into an evil grin. 

Marceline pulled a claw back. 

“Marcie, no!” Pinkie called. “Orgalorg may be a primal evil, but… the King is still in there!”

“No no no! Strike me, vampire queen!” The not-King held his arms out. “It’s the only way to be sure!”

Marceline scowled. “No…” she returned to her normal size. “No, we don’t have to take you out. We can just blow up your ritual.” 

The thing’s smile didn’t falter, but his eyes twitched. “Fine. Be annoyingly practical and boring.” He snapped his fingers.

Marceline let out a batty shriek, holding her head as if a rail spike had been run through it, dropping the match in the process. Pinkie felt nothing—but she noticed that the gem in her crown had started glowing. “Hmm. You’re trying to attack my mind!”

“I forgot her crown did that,” the thing hissed. “No matter.” He lifted a hand, pushing her into the wall. “I can hold you like this. There’s no idiotic skeleton to save you this time.”

“He’s just confused,” Pinkie managed. “I’m sure, given time, he could be a grea—”

“I don’t care about your ongoing mission to befriend every enemy you ever face!” the thing interrupted, throwing an arm wide in rage. It had to hurt to move like that, injured as his body was, but it didn’t seem to bother him.

“W-well, you could tell me who you are! I c-could start there…”

“I am Bill Cipher.” Bill levitated the firework Pinkie had thought she lit without his knowledge. She watched in horror as he extinguished the fuse. “And you are going to watch as I drain the power of my arrogant, weakened colleague here.”

“W-why?”

“Why? Why? I’ve been trapped in the dreaming world, kept from all worlds, for millennia!” For a moment, the yellow of his eyes flashed red. “I have an opportunity to free myself. In fact, you should want to help me! You wanted to help Hater, after all…” 

Pinkie managed a nervous laugh. “W-well, I do want to help you, but… you’re dangerous. A lot more than he is.” Her smile vanished. “I won’t let you hurt my friends.”

“Then try to stop me, shooting star. Use one of your inexplicable abilities to escape my grasp. Light an explosion to ruin the ritual. Press my button and push me to a rage. Oh wait! You can’t!” Bill threw his head back so hard Pinkie could hear parts of his spine popping. “You’re just a jester! You don’t have real power, not when it matters!”

“I have my friends.”

“And both of them are a little occupied at the moment, as I’m sure you’ve felt. Did you feel him?” Pinkie couldn’t stop herself from twitching. “Good. Gooood. I want you to know how hopeless this is. Welcome to the real game of life, shooting star! What’s friendship going to do now!?”
> XXXVII - Unspeakable Evil
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aku should not exist. 

When his essence approached Earth, the gods of old deemed it too corrupt. In that time, they still had power, they still had might. They would have been able to shape reality with a thought. Who knows, Orgalorg may even have been among the number to meet with Aku’s primordial essence. 

They were sure they had utterly destroyed him. 

If only they’d done a better job, the history of Earth might be different. 

Aku sat as a useless pile of sludge unable to take form until the millennium just prior to the Mushroom War, when a human attempted to purge the sludge from his land. Inadvertently, this was precisely what Aku needed to gain full consciousness and awareness. By that point, the gods were weakened, and could do nothing directly against such a pure spirit of darkness. They did act—creating the legendary sword that would one day be wielded by Samurai Jack. That sword is one of the few things that can hurt the being of darkness. 

In the prior eras, Aku took a background role, trying to control the Earth and beyond from the shadows, since magic was weak in that day. The Mushroom War destroyed everything he built. Now… he tries the direct approach. His Southern Dominion occupies the most land of any single nation-state on the surface of Earth, and it grows every day. 

Even with Jack acting as a constant thorn in his side, the expansion only slows. It never, ever ceases.


~~~


“Run,” Jack said to everyone, keeping his eyes locked on Aku. “He only wants me.”

“No!” Finn shouted, stepping in front of Jack with the Finn sword. “I don’t care how big and scary and evil this guy is, we’re not running away.” 

“Yeah! We’re with ya, Jack!” Rainbow landed next to Finn. “Right, everyone?”

There was a chorus of “right!” from the group… except two. 

Bonnibel and Twilight hadn’t said anything. They were staring at Aku, trembling, each with a different sort of fear. Bonnibel’s fear was one of recognition and dread of the inevitable, while Twilight’s was one of panicked racing, scrambling for something, anything in her memories that might be of use here. She was frozen in herself. 

“Twilight…?” Rainbow asked, concerned. 

“They know who I am…” Aku said, cackling. “It’s been a while, Bubblegum. And it’s such a pleasure to meet Celestia’s newest pawn. Really. A pleasure.” He shifted his body into the shape of a snake, his head larger than all of them combined. As he spoke, his breath rippled through their hair. The wafting ripples of air smelled like nothing, banishing all other odors in the air with eerie suddenness. “What did she tell you about me?”

Twilight’s lips fumbled over the letters, attempting to form cohesive sounds and utterly failing.

“It must have been such a shock to see the perfect Princess of the Sun speak out of fear…” Aku laughed. “Tell me, what was her contingency plan for me? The Shogun of Sorrow, the Deliverer of Darkness, the Unspeakable Evil… Aku.” 

Twilight slowly shook her head, shrinking back. 

“Twilight, get a hold of yourself!” Rainbow called. “Who cares what you heard? We can beat this guy! W-” 

Aku flicked Rainbow to the side with a single nail. She hit the city walls like a bug. “Annoying. But not as annoying as you, Samurai Jack.” he transformed into a large ring, surrounding most of them in his body, manifesting his face closest to Jack’s location. “But you lack your precious, precious blade.”

Jack glanced around, seeing no exit for anyone. “If I come with you, will you spare them?”

“Deal!”

“No deal!” Bonnibel shouted. 

“Sweetie,” Aku cooed, sending shivers up Bonnibel’s spine. “That’s not your choice to make.”

“I’ve known you for longer than he has,” Bonnibel spat. “I know you’ll destroy us all anyway. Your word is only useful so long as you benefit from it. Jack, do not surrender.”

“But you know to fight is pointless,” Aku returned to his default, towering form, looking at the group of heroes with disdain. “Utterly and completely. There is nothing. I don’t end all my enemies, Bubblegum. I make some of them into slaves! You’d make an excellent trophy. The First Princess. The Mother of modern civilization. And so much more, that even you don’t know!” He turned to the sky, throwing his arms wide. “She’s such a fool, isn’t she?” 

“And so are you.”

Aku turned to his side, squinting to see the little blue speck in his vision that was Lapis Lazuli. “A Gem…? Rare, powerful, but not even the Diamonds could threaten m—”

She shoved both of her arms forward. A sticky, sappy mass of liquid shot from behind her, taking the force of a fist and clobbering Aku in the face. The sugary substance knocked him back into two gumball guardians, who took the opportunity to fire their lasers at his back, boring a hole in his tarry flesh. 

Aku’s frown would have been comical if it didn’t come with a pair of dark fists shooting out of his back and incapacitating the gumball guardians with ease. The sugary fluid dripped over most of his form, some getting in his mouth. He clicked his tongue. “Did… did you just punch me with a lake of butterscotch?”

Lapis winked at him. “Yeah. It was what I had to work with. And now it’s stuck to you, so…” She pushed her hands to the side, grabbing hold of the butterscotch water stuck to his arms. To his shock, his arms moved with hers. Before he could react, she made Aku punch himself. 

Unlike the guardians’ lasers, which had done almost nothing, this prompted a cry of pain from Aku’s gnashing maw. 

Lapis pulled back again, smirking. “Not so hot now are y—”

Aku shrunk to a sphere about the size of a basketball, moved a few yards to the left, and returned to his normal form. The butterscotch fell to the ground in a wave, no longer affixed to a being of darkness. Aku smirked and shrugged. “I feel fine. Did you think something was the matter?”

Lapis lifted the butterscotch up again. “Oh this is gonna be a long night, I can t—”

He stabbed her. She didn’t even see it coming. One moment he was shrugging as if making a joke, the next his finger had pierced her stomach. Her hardlight body sparked and popped, sections of it shifting in blocks to the side as if it were glitching. With a soft gurgle, she poofed into white dust, leaving only her gemstone behind. Like a raindrop, it fell to the ground. 

Finn was the closest. He got to her first, picking the teardrop up. It was still warm in his hand. “...She’s still in here,” he said.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Aku rolled his eyes. “Take solace in the Gem’s ability to retreat. The rest of you will not be so lucky. Who should I start with?”

“Me,” Jack demanded.

Aku threw his head back and sang his laughter to the heavens. “You? You? Foolish samurai… you will be last.” He leaned in. “You will watch the rest of your oh-so-loyal friends suffer before I give you what you deserve.” He tapped Jack’s blade with his finger, lowering it so he could get even more in Jack’s face. “You really think you would have learned to travel alone by now. But then again, you lost the most precious artifact in the world, so maybe you are more of a fool than I have thought.” 

“I—Finn, no!”

Finn didn’t listen to Jack. He rammed the Finn sword right into Aku’s eye, yelling with the strength of two. He twisted, and the legendary edge cut right through Aku and into the darkness behind. 

Aku’s response was immediate. He transformed into a flying reptile, getting far from Finn’s reach. “A new sword…” 

“Yeah! Come and get it!” Finn shouted, holding the sword high. “I can take you!”

“Finn…” Bonnibel cautioned. 

“I’ve fought the Lich, big, oily, and ugly!” 

“So have I.” Aku transformed back into his towering height, keeping his face far from Finn’s blade. “Your continued life tells me it was no fight.”

Finn charged, driving the Finn sword into Aku’s base. It cut through his darkness, yes, but it didn’t do much. Only a small burn began to crawl up Aku’s form. 

Aku sneered. “A legendary weapon, to be sure… but still just a toothpick.”

And then Jack moved. He jumped over Finn, pulling the Finn Sword out of his hands before Aku could grab it. The samurai whirled around, chopping off Aku’s finger with the blade. The digit did not grow back. Jumping back, Jack took off to a gumball guardian. “Lift me!”

“Stop whatever it is you plan, Samurai,” Aku said, grabbing hold of Finn with his uninjured hand. “The boy would find it… unpleasant if you did not.”

Jack stopped moving. 

“Bring the sword to me,” Aku ordered.

Gripping it so hard his fingers turned red, Jack walked back to Aku. He kept his head held high and his face level, but even so it was impossible to hide his stress. 

“The beard doesn't help the look,” Aku said, plucking the Finn Sword out of Jack’s grip. 

“Hey! Hands off my sword!” Finn shouted. 

“It truly is yours, isn’t it?” Aku lifted it to his eyes, twirling it like a screw. “It resonates with your energy. But also with something… divine. You know not the power you hold, boy. And you never will.” He drove one of his claws through the crystal in the center of the sword, shattering it. 

“Finn sword!” Finn shouted. “No! No!”

Aku bellowed. “Did you feel that in your soul? Part of you, your other half, suffering in an imposs-OW!” Something green, grassy, and sharp had erupted from Finn’s arm, stabbing Aku’s darkness. It did no actual harm to him, but it was still shocking. In fury, Aku threw Finn over the city walls, all the way into the palace. “Stupid boy…”

“Finn!” Jake shouted. He stretched himself to be the size of Aku. “That’s enough! Nobody hurts my br—”

Aku transformed into a dog-shape, almost exactly like Jake’s normal form, but pitch black. 

Jake stepped on him. 

Aku shifted back to his full size and threw Jake into several gumball guardians. “Come back when you’ve really learned to use your powers well, dog.” He dusted his hands off, smiling to himself. “Now, any other last-minute plans? Backups? Gambits? Or are you finally out of hope?”

He noticed Twilight talking to Starlight in hushed tones. 

“Do you have some secrets?” Aku leaned down to the two of them, glaring. “What magic do you think could defeat me?”

“Not mine,” Starlight said, lighting her horn to cast a spell she had just learned from Twilight. “Someone else’s. Someone more…” Starlight smirked. “Chaotic.”

Aku’s smile vanished. Suddenly, he moved with vicious skill, zapping Starlight right in the horn with a burst of dark energy. Before she could attempt any sort of rekindling of her magic, he encased her in black sludge, tossing her to the side. “The Lord of Chaos has no place here.”

Twilight, despite having a recently overloaded horn and being near exhaustion, lit her horn as well. Her eyes went white. On the castle wall, Rainbow's eyes matched her own. The Harmony magic reached for more suitable focus points… and it found one. Bonnibel’s own eyes shone a brilliant white. A rainbow of purple, pink, and red came from the three of them, hitting Aku dead on. 

It burned him. Yes, it burned him. There is no evil that can fully withstand the direct application of Harmony. 

But he shrugged it off with a stomp of his foot. Twilight gave out, flopping onto the ground without another word. 

Phoebe charged out of nowhere, but Aku caught her in his hand, throwing the flaming princess to the ground. “Pathetic. All your friends, pathetic!” Aku roared with laughter. “Do you see, samurai? Your friends are nothing!”

“Then perhaps… an enemy,” Jack said. 

“What are you doing outside my city!?” Lord Hater shouted, charging out of the gates. He was covered in confetti, frosting, and party decorations, but the crackling electric energies that surged around him were more than enough to make up for that. “This is my planet! This is my empire! This i—”

Aku encased him in an orb of darkness with no fanfare whatsoever. “This is my planet, monkey. You. Are. An. Ant.”

“Hater! Sir!” Peepers wailed, running to the darkness. “No, no no no no no!”

“CHAAARGE!” Lemongrab shouted, his lemon army finally crossing the final hill. 

Aku, getting bored with this, just created a wall of darkness to stop them. “Ugh, you have so many little friends and things here. But even with those first few surprises, nothing. This is the end, samurai.”

Jack gripped his sword. He knew it was pointless. Such a blade could not harm Aku.

But he would go down fighting.
> XXXVIII - Battery
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The concept of “before time” doesn’t make much sense, but it’s the best description we have to explain what came before the universe. Before the big bang went off and clocks started ticking, there was a void of nothing where time had no meaning. Related to this in a way I can’t make sense of, there were the monsters. The gods. The sea of pain and passion. The vast majority of these creatures did not survive the transition to our universe, but those that did, their power was unparalleled. It took them a long, long time to realize that our universe was toxic to them. Over millions of years, their power waned. Some found ways to fuse themselves with the fundamental forces of reality, keeping some measure of their power. Others were forced into insignificant forms, harshly limited, such as Orgalorg. 

Others still tried to escape the loss of power by fleeing to other planes of existence, only to find that those realms were incompatible as well. All realms are connected, and despite being self-proclaimed gods, almost none of them figured out what exactly was going on. 

Bill Cipher, the aggravating Dorito who just won’t stay crunched, attempted to control reality from a distance. But he was punished for his insolence, locked out of any world of any substance, restricted only to dreaming. It was thought that he had been destroyed, but it is no simple matter to end a deity. They persist, like a cockroach. And now that magic has resurged, he has come with it. Still trapped within dreams. 

Even here, a prisoner himself, he still manages to keep so many trapped in his plans. His mind is vast and filled with so much impossible knowledge. A man could spend an eternity knowing it all. A man could become so much…

And he uses it to amuse himself. 

As much as I want to see him suffer and shatter into a thousand pieces, I have to respect that. 


~~~


Finn came to, shocked to find that nothing was broken. Sitting up, he looked around. He’d crashed through a window and landed right on the ex-King of Ooo’s floating mushroom bed. His velocity had punched a hole right through the fungus, but that had been enough to break his fall. 

Sitting up, he checked himself over. He was bruised and battered but otherwise unharmed. The grass sword was still in his hand, and his pack was secured to his back. Twisting his wrist to the side, he examined the grassy blade. “You’re pretty helpful for a curse, you know that?”

The grass sword made no response. It was just a cursed sword, after all, bound to his person. It was the reason he still had an arm. 

Twisting himself off the bed, Finn hopped to his feet. Out the window, he could make out the towering shape of Aku. He had no idea what the monster was saying, but there was definitely laughter. 

Finn’s first instinct was to rush into the fight and stab Aku everywhere with the grass sword. His second instinct was a rare moment of insight: there was nothing whatsoever he or anyone there could do to the massive being of darkness. They were useless. But… maybe, just maybe, one of Bonnibel’s magic artifacts could help. They were in the castle. Here… somewhere. 

“Uuuugh, I but there’s so many places to look!” He put his head in his hands and let out a tense groan. 

He heard Aku laugh. 

Finn stood straight, holding the thin grass sword in front of his eyes. “No moping, Finn. No moping. You don’t know where anything is but you can run around wildly until you find something!” Taking a deep breath, he let out an attempt at a heroic yell and ran out of the royal chambers, holding the grass sword defensively—how Jack taught him earlier that night. 

He ran to the end of the hall and turned left. Reaching a stairwell he slid down the railing, sword continually at the ready. Nothing came to meet him. But, in the next hallway, he did find something: a trail of confetti. 

Having no idea where he was going, he decided that following the trail was the next best thing. The colorful flecks of paper led him deeper and deeper into the castle, down several flights of stairs, until he came to the old, familiar dungeons. There would be monsters down here, no doubt about it. But he would be ready. 

Bursting into the dungeons, he cut a blue slime in half, bursting it. A zombie goblin saw him and charged, but Finn kicked the knife out of its hand and cut it down. He jumped over the rocketing fist of a golem and planted the sword’s tip into the arcane machine’s face, breaking it down. 

Normally, when dungeon crawling, he’d be sure to clean the room of monsters. But right now he needed to move. He ran along the confetti trail, finding the familiar monsters of the dungeon easy to combat. With a slash, a kick, and a punch virtually every room was passed without issue. 

He was expecting to need to run through several floors of this, but the confetti trail ended at a trapdoor on the second level. He jumped down, narrowly avoiding the attack of a water elemental, sword at the ready. “All right, something in here better be helpful!”

Finn had to admit, he had no idea what he was looking at. The King was holding Pinkie to the wall with magic while Marceline was on the ground, holding her head. In the center of the room there was a pedestal that held Gunter—Orgalorg. 

The yellow-eyed not-King stared at him in surprise. “Well well well well…” His torn face twisted into an amused smile. 

Finn gasped. “You! You’re the bozo from my dream! What did you do to the King of Ooo!?” Finn grimaced as he took in the trashed appearance of the not-King’s body. “Geez, what did you do?”

“I did that!” Pinkie called from her uncomfortable position on the wall. “Hi Finn!” 

“Hi, Pinkie. Uh… what should I do here?” 

“Get Gunter off the pedestal, maybe?” 

The King laughed. “He doesn’t have the power to end the ritual! He does not have the blade of paradox, just a grassy curse. Unless…” The not-King spread his arms wide, despite it looking like one of them was about to fall off. “You want to take me out? And the Waxman with me?”

Finn grimaced. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know how evil this is.”

“Allow me to spell it out for you, butterfly. I am Bill Cipher, a being trapped to wander dreams for eternity because of some STUPID KIDS.” He tightened the grip of his magic around Pinkie, making her gag. “And I am going to drain the power of Orgalorg into this ancient Gem structure, using it as a battery to free myself. I will turn the world into my playground. A party that never stops with a host that never dies!” 

“That’s not… a good… party…” Pinkie managed. 

“It’s preferable to what tartree out there is plotting, you have to admit!” 

“Still…” Finn lifted the grass sword. “It’s evil.” He readied his blow. He imagined the King falling to his blade. The King had been pretty annoying anyway, right? Who’d miss him? Nobody, that’s who. 

But…

He remembered Rainbow Dash. Even when it was an absolute monster…

Finn lowered the grass sword. “No. That’s not what a hero does.”

“How absolutely predictable,” Bill scoffed. “None of you ever have a backbone.”

“It’s… our strength…” Pinkie wheezed.

“That’s rich!” Bill clapped his hands. “A strength? Pinkie, I thought we already discussed how your precious magic of friendship doesn’t work down here. You’re alone.”

“Not… entirely…”

A blue light started glowing in Finn’s pocket. Slowly, a teardrop gemstone floated into the air, shining brightly. Once again, Finn watched as Lapis projected her body. However, it was slightly different this time. Her dress was significantly longer, going all the way down to her feet, its edge was stenciled with numerous five-pointed stars. The sweeping folds continued all the way up to her shoulders, where there were angled tips, but no sleeves. A neatly-tied bow remained on her back, framing her exposed gemstone. Upon her head sat an ice-blue three-pointed crown.

She looked… regal. 

And she was ready to fight. It took her less than a second to take in the situation. She drew water from the air to form her wings and spread her arms, glaring right at Bill. 

“Fascinating…” There was no fear in his voice. There was only curiosity.
> XXXIX - A Question of Heritage
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a question. 

What in the name of my hat is Apex Daffodil? 

Seriously, where did he come from? 


~~~


As Aku’s towering form laughed above them, Bonnibel kneeled down to Twilight. “Twilight, come on.” She shook her. “You have the harmony magic. You… you touched me with it. I’ve seen you use it. Get… lucky. We could use some of that luck right now.”

Twilight didn’t respond, though she was visibly breathing. 

“Twilight…” Bonnibel glanced at Aku. He was currently in the form of a massive spider, moving his many legs around Jack in a mocking pattern. The samurai was landing hits, but the darkness never receded. Aku’s laughter was infuriating. “Twilight, come on.” Bonnibel laid a hand on Twilight’s horn. It was scalding hot. Bonnibel winced—not out of pain; she was made of bubblegum and was very heat resistant because of it. But she could imagine how much Twilight was hurting. “You pushed yourself to the edge…” 

Bonnibel felt something inside her shift. Her stomach twisted, but instead of turning into a knot, suddenly everything was clear. A tingling sensation ran from her stomach to her arms, ending at her fingers. It was small—pathetic, really—but it flowed into Twilight, entering her mind. 

The alicorn opened her eyes, staring at Bonnibel wide eyed. 

“You did it…” Twilight breathed. “You reached into your magic.”

Bonnibel pulled her into a hug, laughing with tears. “I’m so sorry…”

“We… couldn’t have seen this coming.”

Aku’s laugh grated against the otherwise heartwarming scene. With a loud thwack, he tossed Jack to the side, disarming him. 

“We’re out of options…” Twilight sighed. “I’ve… I’ve got nothing.”

“I don’t think I have any magic artifacts that can help…” Bonnibel frowned. “It’d take too long to get to them anyway.” She helped Twilight stand up. “We need to get lucky. How do you usually get lucky?”

“Have a moment of self-reflection and realize your friends are always here?”

“I already wasted that on healing you.”

Twilight managed a smile at this. “Right… then… something we haven’t thought of needs to happen. Something…”

The wall Aku had raised to keep the lemon army out turned into several thousand ducks, disintegrating. A single deer walked through the sea of ducks to a bush and started chewing on its leaves. 

“Apex Daffodil!” Twilight cheered. 

Aku stopped toying with Jack for a moment. “What in the…?”

“Chaaaarge!” Lemongrab shrieked, drawing his sword. A surge of lemon wizards and soldiers moved forward, throwing magic and spears at Aku. 

“Anyone who can hear me, chaaaarge!” Peepers ordered, pointing his gun at Aku and firing. 

The gumball guardians decided to get in on the action too. It may have been absolutely pointless, but everyone was attacking at once. Might as well go with it. Lasers, punches, swords, guns, magic… they hit Aku from all sides. 

Aku decided he had enough when a gumball guardian punched him in the face. He transformed into a disc-shape and expanded, hitting all the gumball guardians in the head at once, dropping them on several of the Watchdogs and lemon people. 

With the annoying gumball guardians out of the way, Aku completely ignored the little people in favor of flattening Apex Daffodil with a spiked hand. He ground his palm into the soil, but as he did so his face twisted into a deeply unsatisfied frown. Lifting his limb… the deer was still there, unharmed. 

“What?” Aku blinked. “What?”

The deer stretched himself out of the crater of death Aku had created and began grazing anew. 

Aku shot lasers out of his eyes. Apex Daffodil became reflective and turned the attack back on Aku. The shadowy monstrosity reeled back, more in shock than in pain. 

“After all the things that happened today… a deer.” Aku lowered his head to be level with Apex Daffodil glaring at the completely ordinary beast. “A deer that defies all laws of explanation. Unheard of power. What god are you, beast?”

Apex Daffodil stretched his neck so he could devour some tree leaves. 

Aku drove a finger through Apex Daffodil. The deer became water, flowed downhill, and reformed himself. He sniffed the air, turning away from Aku. 

“You ignore Aku!?” Aku gnashed his teeth, biting into the deer. Apex Daffodil turned into solid unbreakable metal the instant before Aku bit down, cracking the dark abomination’s teeth. 

“YREAAAAAAAGH!” Aku shrieked pulling back. “I will not be made a fool by some local wildlife!” He threw laseres, dark blades, sludge, curses, fire, and even twisted time around Apex Daffodil, trying to incapacitate the animal. 

Nothing had any effect. Apex Daffodil teleported to a particularly sugary looking tree and started licking it. 

Aku stared at him, dumbfounded. “I… wh… bwa…” He reached out a hand to try again… but stopped. Slowly, the confused, almost hopeless look was replaced. His eyes narrowed and his mouth twisted into a nasty grin. “You were hoping Aku would be bested by the mysterious, all-powerful deer, were you? Alas, it is not to be.” Aku plucked a branch off a candy cherry tree and offered it to Apex Daffodil. Immediately, the deer turned to the branch and started munching on it. 

“Good deer…” Aku said, gently lifting Apex Daffodil up and setting him on the ground next to Jack. “Now…” He threw the branch at Jack. “Attack.”

Jack couldn’t dodge Apex Daffodil. The deer bit down on the branch, kicking Jack with the force of a full grown troll to get the samurai away from his food. Jack went flying. When he landed, he cut a gash in the muddied earth with his back. 

Aku let out a bellowing laugh, continuing to ignore the Watchdogs and lemons attacking him. “Fooools! Your deer is not loyal, he is no better than a mercenary!”

“Apex Daffodil!” Twilight shouted. “Don’t hurt him!”

“He’s just an animal, Princess,” Aku cackled. “He can’t understand you. Everything he does, he does for food. And I…” He uprooted an entire tree made out of solid chocolate. “I have the most and the best food.” He held the tree in front of Apex Daffodil, grabbing his attention. He threw the tree at Twilight. “Fetch.”


~~~


Lapis checked the area around her for water. She found a significant amount in the water elemental in the previous chamber. With a smirk, she tore the beast apart and dragged all its water to her, adding to the mass of her watery wings. 

She didn’t wait for anyone to monologue. She encased the not-King in water, shoved him against a wall, and broke his connection with everyone. With the rest of her water, she rushed the golden sphere holding the penguin to the altar. She couldn’t move the magical sphere, but she could produce enough force to crack the crystalline altar. 

That didn’t sever the connection. The crystal below the penguin kept glowing, despite the destruction she had caused. “What? How d—”

The not-King held out a hand and Lapis felt like her mind was on fire. She fell to her knees, using all her effort just to keep from screaming. All the water she had been controlling fell to the ground, turning the cavern floor into an inch-thick puddle. 

“The ritual has already begun! You can’t stop it now!” the not-King laughed, bending his spine back further than was safe. “Orgalorg is already attached to the construct below, draining its power! You can feel it, can’t you?”

Lapis had felt strangely energized prior to having her mind assaulted by a dream demon occupying the body of a waxy man. Right now she couldn’t really tell if there was any energy down there, or much else aside from the not-King’s reverberating words. 

“Your people built this. No, not just your people, Steven. Energy storage to heal and restore Gems! A hospital! Almost unheard of in the old Empire, but the new? Well well well…” He grabbed her chin and forced her to look up. “Amazing how all your efforts to make things better end up backfiring. A hospital that will become the means by which I am released back into the world. Only a tiny, insignificant item on the list of things you Crystal Gems ruined. I wonder, do you even know how much you are responsible for everything? All the damage you caused? All in the name of an unnatural mutant known as Steven.” 

Lapis couldn’t stop the tears from flowing like waterfalls. 

“This is your fault, teardrop. Know that.”

“No, know this, Bill!”

Pinkie shot Bill with her party cannon, knocking him to the side. Before he could re-establish his telekinetic control on Pinkie, she took off the crown and slammed it on Lapis’ head. Pinkie tried to say something, but Bill’s mind scrambling was too much. She joined Marceline and Finn in holding their heads in pain. 

But Lapis… Lapis’ head cleared. She wiped her face, flicking the tears away as if they were insignificant bugs. “You’re going to regret that.” 

Bill held out a hand, telekinetically pushing her. She surged the water from the ground to her back, pushing against a wall. She was more than strong enough to break through his telekinesis. “You are weak.”

“This body is weak.” Bill spat, twisting his head ninety degrees to the side. “Even with this era’s high magical aura and my knowledge, this idiot can’t channel enough. So…” He dropped his attack on Lapis. “How about a deal?”

“Shut up.”

“I know all sorts of things about the Mushroom War, the history of the Gems, th—”

Lapis plastered his face with a ring of water. “I said shut up.” Ignoring his grunts, she walked up to Orgalorg. “Okay… I’ve never done one this big, but let’s try it.” She held out her hands, placing them to the sides of the golden bubble. Focusing, she imagined a bubble, a bubble like the one she had been trapped in for thousands of years. Most Gems she knew could make small bubbles to hold others of their kind, but making something large enough to hold an entire penguin was another matter entirely. 

She was a master of water, not of bubbling. But she had to try. 

Wincing, she focused on the task, using only a minimal bit of energy to keep a watery tendril on Bill. Shakily and suddenly, a blue bubble formed around the golden sphere that contained Orgalorg. It solidified, connecting to her inner power. 

She grinned. “Yes.” She tapped the bubble… and it teleported away, to her home. Far, far from the magic circle. 

The light in the crystal floor dimmed as the ancient entity went out of range. 

“And we win,” Lapis said, pressing her hands together. “What do you think of this Crystal Gem, huh, Bill?” She removed the water from his mouth to let him talk. 

His only response was to laugh—and laugh, and laugh. “It’s funny how dumb you are!”

Lapis pointed a finger at him. “You aren’t charging your battery anymore.”

“Orgalorg is not the only suitable power source in range, teardrop!”

The crystal floor started glowing again, continuing its charging.

Bill laughed, every motion causing the ex-King of Ooo’s body to jerk in some other unnatural direction. “And you’re not going to be able to remove him!”


~~~


Apex Daffodil licked Twilight to demonstrate his affection. 

“A-apex, s-stop it!” Twilight laughed, unable to keep the deer’s tongue off her. “S-stop!”

Aku facepalmed. “I clearly need to train him better. With time, he will become an excellent minion. For now… a fool. No matter.” He picked Apex Daffodil off the ground and set him near a peachy tree. “He won’t bother my conquest anymore.”

Looking down, Aku sighed at the Watchdogs and lemon army. “Really? You’re still going at it?” He sprouted tentacles from his base, slapping several dozen of them away effortlessly. “I grow tired of this. It is time for all to know the Lord of Darkness, the Unspea—”

The pyramids in the Candy Capital started flashing red, as if in error. 

“I wonder if I should be concerned about that…” Aku scratched his chin. “...No. There is nothing that can threaten the great AKU! I wi—”

The pyramids turned gold once again, and Aku felt as though a lance struck through his very being. Vast quantities of his energy were being drained by the pyramids, stored for some purpose he knew nothing about. 

His first instinct was to destroy it. But when he moved closer, the rate of drain increased, tearing at his pathetic excuse for a soul. 

Which meant it was time to leave. He channeled energy for an explosive teleport… but the moment he did so, the pyramids gathered it. 

“I-imposible!” Aku shouted, trembling from the drain. “No mortal being could do this!”

Bonnibel nodded, turning away from Aku to stare at the pyramids. “I know…”

“Who…” Aku writhed, shrinking in size. “Who could—” Suddenly, he figured it out. He knew exactly who to blame for this. Only one entity knew enough, had enough power, and had the gall to do this to the Lord of Darkness. Only one fool. 

“CIPHER!!!” 


~~~


The shout of Aku met the ears of Lapis and all the others in the dungeon. 

“Sounds like he’s put two and two together!” Bill laughed, clapping his hands together. “Too bad this ritual keeps the victim from escaping! I was hoping I’d get Orgalorg down enough to break him out of that pathetic penguin form so I could watch him squirm, but, oh well, you can’t have everything!” 

Lapis adjusted her double crown. She lifted all the water in the room into a spike, pointing it at the Gem construct below. Thrusting down, she cracked it. 

Bill’s laugh stopped instantly. “You don’t want to do that.”

“Try and stop me.” She drove the spike down again. 

“It’ll explode.”

“You’re standing on a warp platform.” She spiked it down again. “Just leave if you want to save your skin.” 

“My skin is not in danger, it is yours! You cannot guarantee your survival!”

“So?” Another spike. “Pretty sure I can interface with it.”

“I’ll destroy it!” 

“How?” Spike. “You’re weak. Those platforms are built to last.”

“I… you’re destroying a piece of your history! Your heritage!”

“That’s nothing new.” Spike. 

“Did I not mention this was built by Steven? Precious, caring, innocent Steven?” Bill pointed at Lapis. “You’re disgracing his memory! It healed you, brought you out to face me! And now you’re just going to throw it away?”

“Yes.” Spike. 

“This may be the last remnant of his work on the planet! It holds the answers you seek! There are computer files. I can give them to you.”

Spike. 

“Would Steven have stopped me by destroying my life’s work?”

Lapis paused. 

“Would Steven have angrily destroyed my one hope at freedom? Would he? Or would he try to help me? Show me his kindness?” 

“He… he might.” Lapis refused to look at Bill, but her hold on the water began to weaken. 

“And wouldn’t he be glad to know that his machine was used to weaken great evil and give someone his freedom? I’ve been trapped for thousands of years, Lapis. I want out!”

“He… no, you’re terrible.”

Bill began to slowly approach her. “There was a time when you were terrible. When your close friends were terrible. Where would you be if he hadn’t shown you unconditional kindness?”

Lapis’ stoic expression broke. “I… I’d be…”

Bill tipped Lapis’ face up, making her look into his own, psychotic eyes. “So show me a little unconditional kindness, Lapis Lazuli.” 

Lapis’ breathing increased rapidly and every one of her limbs trembled. She was stuck, frozen. It was impossible to think straight, even with the crown protecting her. He knew too much, said too much. He had not lied. He…

“Don’t listen to the butt!” Marceline shouted, trying to transform into a bat, but failing because of the mental hold. Still, she managed to grab Lapis’ leg with a shaking hand. “The… rest of us… need kindness…”

“No, they have their lives under control!” Bill spat. “I’m the one that’s messed up, I’m the one who needs to change. They can survive a little bit of suffering, I—”

Lapis’ expression darkened. “You don’t care about changing.”

“Obviously, but that shouldn’t change anything. Did any of the others?”

“Steven fought when his friends were threatened.” Lapis created the spike once again. 

“He would have let me go.”

“Maybe,” Lapis admitted. “But if I’ve learned anything from the current state of the world…” a tear rolled down her cheek. “He was just as flawed as the rest of us.”

She slammed the spike into the Gem construct one last time. It started sparking uncontrollably. 

“Well, that’s going to explode.” Bill sighed. “One of these days, I’m getting out of here. And I’m coming for you.” 

Bill left the ex-King, returning him to himself. All the mental spells disappeared, freeing Finn, Pinkie, and Marceline. 

“I’m free!” The ex-King shouted, laughing. “I’m- ow! OW! Owowowowowo...” All the injuries hit him at once and he collapsed into a shuddering fetal position. “Ow…”

“It’ll be okay,” Pinkie said, dragging him onto the warp platform. 

“Do… do I get to keep my floating mushroom bed?”

Pinkie stared at him. “Is… is that what you made the deal with Bill for?”

The not-King nodded slowly. 

Pinkie facehooved. “Let’s just get out of here.”

Lapis, Finn, and Marceline got onto the platform. Lapis connected with the piece of Gem technology. A burst of light consumed them, and a moment later they appeared in a lab somewhere within the castle. 

There was a thundering explosion far beneath them as the Gem “battery” gave in. 


~~~


The oppression of Bill’s vampiric ritual lifted from Aku instantly. He let out a seething hiss before collecting himself. Rising once more, he threw his head back and laughed to the heavens. “Foooooools! There is nothing that can stop Aku!”

Jack squashed him with his foot. 

Aku seeped out from under Jack’s foot, trying to increase his size to match Jack. He lacked the dark mass to get any larger than a dog.

“You will not make a fool of me, samurai.” 

Jack kicked him in the stomach, twisting a sword into Aku’s face. Aku may have been invulnerable, but he could still be thrown around. He tumbled head over heels in the mud, getting stuck in the sticky soil below. 

Aku stood up, growling. “I am not helpless!”

“No, but you are small,” Twilight said. “Maybe we can trap you.”

Several lemon wizards surrounded the tiny Aku in golden magic barriers. 

Twilight approached, lowering her head to be level with his. “We’re taking you back to Equestria where the Elements of Harmony can deal with you.”

“Nothing ‘deals with’ Aku,” Aku hissed. He clasped his hands together, releasing a burst of black magic that shattered the yellow barriers surrounding him. “Let it be known!” He shouted. “Aku, terror of the Southern Dominion, is not defeated! I will return…” He pointed at Jack. “And any who protect the samurai from my wrath will be decimated.” 

“I don’t care! Get out of my empire!” Lord Hater shouted, blasting Aku with a verdant bolt of electricity. 

Aku took the blast, falling over from the shockwave. With a lecherous sigh, he transformed into a bat and flew into the air. “Samurai, you days are numbered. I will get you next time!” He took off into the night. 

Everyone fell silent. A few coughed. Several downed Watchdogs and lemon soldiers began to stand up, tending to their injuries. It was a mess of mud, butterscotch, loose bits of dark sludge, charred plants, fallen gumball guardians, and uprooted trees.

“Well…” Twilight said. “At least the fighting’s over.”

“Yeah…” Bonnibel agreed, allowing herself to close her eyes and let out a sigh of relief. 

Lapis descended from the sky, depositing the ex-King, Finn, Marceline, and Pinkie on the ground. As she landed, she took the crown off her head and gave it to Pinkie. Marceline waved at Bonnibel as she landed. 

“Thanks,” Pinkie told Lapis. “But someone deserves this more than me.” She bounced over to Bonnibel and set the crown on her head. “I transfer the throne of the Candy Kingdom back to its rightful ruler, Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum.” 

Bonnibel bowed to Pinkie. “You have served the candy people well, Princess Pinkie Pie.”

“Aww, thanks! I try.”

“And, as Princess of the Candy Kingdom, I will be sure to establish friendly relations with Equestria, as a reward for your heroics. For all of your heroics!” She spread her arms at the muddy, tired, broken people all around. “The Candy Kingdom has survived a direct confrontation with the greatest evil in Ooo!”

“Yeah!” 

“NO!” Lord Hater shouted. “That was not the Greatest! I am the Greatest!” 

Bonnibel facepalmed. “Can you give it a rest?” 

“No! This is my empire!” He pointed a finger at Bonnibel. “Your people surrendered to me!”

“Consider us un-surrendered,” Bonnibel deadpanned. 

“Seconded!” Pinkie agreed, bouncing next to her. “Come on Hatey, we can stop all this.”

“No,” Hater declared. “You think you can take advantage of me? Take my empire out from under me? You’re all weakened from the battle! Your guardians are injured! Your heroes, defeated! You will not be able to mount a resistance!”

“Your army’s not looking too hot either,” Marceline pointed out, striking a sassy pose. 

“I have backups.” Hater sneered. “What, you think I marched my entire army here? There’s another division at the ship! What do you have? A bunch of sorry lemons and half-baked warriors.” 

“You… You’re right!” Peepers said, as if surprised Hater could make this deduction. “They’re weak! We can take them!”

Twilight grimaced. “We just avoided the war…”

“To be fair, you did fight Aku,” Pinkie pointed out. 

“Well, yes, but—”

“The losses from a large-scale battle would be inconceivable,” Bonnibel declared. “For both sides.”

“Then surrender,” Hater demanded, planting his foot in the ground hard enough to make it tremble. 

“No,” Bonnibel said, crossing her arms.

“Then it looks like we have a little problem… to be solved on the battlefield with the Greatest in the GALAXY!”
> XL - Bonnibel's Gambit
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bonnibel Bubblegum is one of the oldest creatures living on the surface of Ooo, though she doesn’t look it. To any passerby, she’s young—youthful, even. More than a few haven’t taken her seriously because of her smooth, ageless appearance. Compared to the other immortals, she could be considered the least imposing of them all. 

But there’s a reason many inhabitants of the Candy Kingdom fear her. She has kept hold of her Kingdom for well over a thousand years, losing control for only brief moments in her journey. 

It was not her paranoia that allowed her to continue her reign, though in the past she might have said that if pressed. 

No, it was her intelligence. She’s a mad genius, and she will outthink anyone and everyone who tries to face her in a battle of wills. Give her time and a reason and she will meticulously plot your downfall and you won’t even realize it’s happening until she’s standing over you, foot pressed into your collarbone, a smug smile on her innocent little face. 

It is only reasonable to fear a woman like that. 


~~~


“No,” Bonnibel declared. “No war either.”

Hater blinked repeatedly. Then, facepalming, he started talking to her like she was a child. “Look, this is how these things work, missy. There’s war, or there’s surrender. You can’t just say no to both and get away scott free! I know that trick! It’s never working again!”

Bonnibel stared at him in confusion for a moment before shaking her head. “I just meant we should seek alternative methods to settle our differences.” Bonnibel crossed her arms and looked Hater right in the eyes. “I suggest… trial by combat.” A smirk crawled up her face as she pressed her hands together. “You want a fight, Hater? We’ll give it to you. You against one of our own.”

“Tonight,” Hater demanded. “No gumball guardians. I want those to be in my army when I win.”

“Granted. But we may use any weapons we wish.” 

“No vehicles!” Peepers added. “It has to just be one on one, based on physical power.” 

“Sure,” Bonnibel said. “Physical power. Of course.”

Hater clapped his hands. “Finally, a proper one on one!” He flexed his arms as if they had muscles on them. “Who wants to get a piece of this!?”

Lapis stood up, striding forward. “I will.”

“Who’re you again?”

“Lapis Lazuli.” She smirked coyly, shooting him a finger-guns gesture. “Gem Princess.” 

“No, Princess Lazuli,” Bonnibel said. “I know your power, but you are not my citizen.”

“S-screw citizenship!” Phoebe shouted, pulling herself out of some syrupy goo. “I’ll… give him the ol’...” She put a hand to the flames on her head that were struggling to burn. “Er…”

“And you’re not up to strength,” Bonnibel pointed out. Turning to Hater, she threw an arm wide. “I will face you, Hater.”

“What,” Hater deadpanned.

“Bonnie!” Marceline shouted, voice cracking. “Are you crazy!?”

Bonnibel turned to her and winked. “Yes.” 

“I…” Marceline let her arms hang slack and she let out an annoyed groan. “Uuuugh, I’m going to yell at you later.”

“Feel free.” Bonnibel dusted off her dress. “First of all, someone get me my armor.” 

“Hah! I don’t need armor!” Hater struck a pose and flexed his bones again. “I’m all-natural strength.”

“Some of us prefer having proper protection.” 

Commander Peepers cleared his throat. “While the Princess’ servants are fetching her armor, here are the rules! Only Lord Hater and Princess Bubblegum are allowed to interact—there will be no outside help from anyone, not even me! If Lord Hater wins, we get full rights to the Candy Kingdom and all resources to repair the Skullship!”

“And if I win?” Bonnibel asked.

“Uh… we don’t conquer you?”

“I want a little more than that.” Bonnibel leaned down until she was only slightly taller than Peepers. “We get your ship if you lose.”

“They can’t have my ship!” Hater bellowed, eyes bulging out of their sockets. 

Peepers nodded. “I know, sir. But if by some freak coincidence you lose, which you won’t—”

“Duh.” Hater rolled his eyes and twirled a finger around his head. 

“—then we won’t really have much use for the ship since we can’t get what we need to fix it in a territory we’re not allowed to conquer.” Peepers shrugged. 

Hater scratched his jawline. 

“Think you might lose?” Bonnibel asked, confidently strutting over to him, purposefully swaying her hips slightly as she moved. 

“N-no,” Hater stammered. “I am the Greatest! You’re just a pink pansy princess!” 

“Good…” She twirled around, the edges of her hair slapping him in the face. It had the intended effect: he was both insulted and flustered, giving her an advantage. Bonnibel was going to take everything she could get, even if it made her feel awkward. 

At this point, the banana guards arrived with the reddish-pink armor for Bonnibel. She nodded, removing her dress. 

“Augh!” Finn put a hand over his eyes.

Jake raised an eyebrow. “Dude, she’s a sentient wad of bubblegum, there’s nothing to see.”

“Still not looking.” 

Bonnibel clicked on the pieces of her armor, covering every part of her pink body except her head. She did her sticky hair up to keep it out of the way of her limbs. Lastly, she hooked on a black cape with orange and white stripes on the inside. Completing the wardrobe change, she twisted all her limbs to make sure she had full range of motion, taking special care to examine the rims of the gloves. “Right. Ready.”

“No weapon at all?” Hater snarled.

Bonnibel pressed her palms together and bowed slightly to Hater. “I won’t need any.”

“Uh, when do we start fighting?” Hater asked.

“Whenever you wish.”

Hater pointed a finger at her. “I’m going to enjoy your screams.” A lightning bolt came out of his finger. It easily fried the kinetic barrier the armor produced around itself, overloading all the machinery Bonnibel had put in it. This was exactly what she had expected to happen, such outrageous electric power would overload almost anything. 

Instead of the usual explosion or burning that was associated with Hater’s lightning… nothing happened after it hit her. She stood tall, proud, and coy. “Problem?” she asked. 

Hater blinked. “Impossible.”

“Very possible. In fact, it’s a basic application of science.” She held up one of her arms and flicked the metallic armor with a finger. “Metals conduct electricity, which is precisely what you are producing with your fingers. More specifically, you create an excess of charge. When charge interacts with conductors, all the charge automatically moves to the outside of the surface. Which is to say…” She spread her arms wide, flashing teeth. “Away from my body. The ancients called this the Faraday Cage effect.”

Hater’s jaw dropped. He picked it up off the ground and slapped it back on. 

“And after a second, all the charge disappears into the ground, so it’s not around long enough to harm me.” Bonnibel planted a foot in the muddy ground to illustrate the point. “I’m grounded.”

Hater pointed his lightning at her head. Her crown absorbed this, attached to the rest of her armor through some metal plates she’d hidden in her hair. Stepping closer to Hater, she applauded, hands meeting each other agonizingly slow. “You are heating up the armor, though. Thanks. It’s a rather chilly night.”

Hater created a lightning barrier around himself and charged. “Eat this!” 

She punched right through the barrier. All the excess charge shunted through the armor’s arm, down the midsection, and through Bonnibel’s foot to the ground. As it distributed through the mud, some of the observers felt a slight tingling sensation in their feet, but nothing dangerous. Her fist pushed through, smacking Hater’s collarbone. He lost the focus on his shield and fell backward, head embedded into the ground. 

“Go Bonnie!” Marceline called. 

“No, don’t go, stop, cease!” Hater jumped back to his feet, critter-infested mud dripping down his skull. “She’s just using a trick! But it won’t work against my fist!” He punched forward, fingers crackling with electricity. 

Bonnibel ducked under his hand and grabbed him by the ribs. “I’m also over a thousand years old and know nineteen different forms of martial arts.” She twisted her hold on him, suplexing him over her back, planting his head in the soil once more. 

Jack nodded in approval at the maneuver. 

Hater was not dissuaded. He jumped out once again, electricity flying off him in every direction. Several of the bolts made contact with Bonnibel, but nothing harmed her. The heat of the armor continued to increase, however. 

This won’t work forever, Bonnibel reminded herself. Bubblegum melts at one hundred fifteen degrees Celsius. 

She wiped her brow, going on the offensive. She grabbed Hater by the arm, taking the full force of his electricity into her armor. Twisting, she was expecting to throw him over her back again, but instead, she popped the arm right off. Examining the socket, she discovered it wasn’t made of bone, but of a synthetic metal. “An artificial arm? Hey, Finn! If you lose that arm again, I’ve just gotten some new ideas!” 

“Princess!” Finn called in panic. 

Bonnibel didn’t even look behind her to catch Hater’s other first. “Don’t worry, Finn, I’ve got this.” She smacked Hater across the face with the artificial arm, twisting his skull around backward. With a kick, she swept his legs out from under him. 

He finally surprised her. He had no finesse or agility to speak of, but he did have raw strength. Even on the ground like he was, he was able to kick her legs out from under her. For once, she was the one who ended up face-first in the mud. Hater felt no need to let her get back up, tackling her while she was down and pinning her. 

Even though he knew his electricity was useless, he still threw it around out of habit. This was actually a bad thing for Bonnibel since it continually raised the temperature of her suit. She could already feel herself liquefying around her legs. They wouldn’t be able to support her weight much longer. 

“Grrrah!” She shouted, twisting her thin frame out of Hater’s beefy one-armed grasp, kicking him in the face and dislocating his jaw. Taking advantage of his shock, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled. 

His head popped right off. She rolled with it a few feet, coming to a stop in the mud. 

“RAAAAAGH! I am the Greatest! I am never defeated!” His skull was trying to bite her, but it was ineffective against her armor. She stuffed his head into the mud so she didn’t have to listen to him anymore. 

A bolt of green lightning hit her. 

The rest of the body was still moving without the head. 

“Stupid dissociative necromancy,” Bonnibel groaned, pulling herself to her feet. “...Oh.” Her legs gave out, and she collapsed into the mud. She saw parts of her hair dripping off as syrup to the ground, and her entire body was sizzling with steam. 

“Bonnie!” Marceline called. 

“It’s not over yet!” Peepers shouted. “No interference!” 

Marceline held back, biting her lip and wringing her hands. Twilight joined her in a nervous display by taping her hooves rapidly. 

Bonnibel’s arms were still functional, though her fingers weren’t. She rammed her fists into the ground and dragged herself toward the flailing, headless form of Hater’s body. Sliding along like this, she was low enough that most of his lightning missed her. 

Closer… Closer… She couldn’t grab him, so she swung with her arm, hitting his shin. 

Unable to see it coming, Hater’s body fell over with ease, continuing to flail. The electricity surged into her. She was only going to have the use of her arms for about one second, so she took advantage of it. Ramming her limbs into Hater’s ribs, she hoisted herself on top of him and sat on him, sinking him further and further into the mud. The deeper he got, the less his electricity did anything. 

By the time he stopped being able to flail, Bonnibel was so syrupy her crown slid right off her head, her hair starting to create small rivers in the ground. 

“Yaaay…” Bonnibel declared. “I wn!”

Marceline floated over to her, arms crossed. “You look pathetic.”

“I bwasicwy don hav rms or legs righ now!” Bonnibel sputtered, speech significantly slurred. “I’m nop enirely ure how I’m alin, but eh, I’m nop omplainin.”

Marceline couldn’t help but giggle. 

“You were amazing!” Twilight declared.

“Yeah, that was awesome!” Rainbow added. 

“It was an incredible display,” Jack said, bowing to her. 

“It was a lot closer than I would have liked,” Bonnibel chuckled, her face having cooled enough to restore most of her speech. “So, uh, can someone dig me and Hater out of this hole so we can get this over with?” 

“You heard the Princess!” Finn called. “G—”

Commander Peepers pulled the trigger on his weapon. The beam sailed out of the gun’s tip, hitting Bonnibel’s head dead-on. 

The gun was not electric. And it was on the higher setting. 

Pink, sweet, syrupy goo went flying in every direction, splattering across everyone present.
> XLI - Final Launch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ignoring the existence of magical conveniences that are able to reject gravity, it takes a lot of energy to break the gravity well of a planet and get into space. And that’s for temporary visits; setting something in orbit takes exponentially more energy. Don’t get me started on the requirements for leaving the planet’s pull entirely. Then there’s the sun’s gravity well…

Basically, every degree of freedom desired in space requires another massive burst of energy. This is why it’s so frustrating when rocket scientists spend eons crafting complex machines only to discover that there’s a magic bubble wand that can ignore gravity sold at virtually every planet in the connected galaxy. 

Of course, the infuriated steam does not have to come at the discovery of the nonsensical orbal juice, it could just come from realizing that you weren’t the first one up there. Dozens of satellites are still in orbit, as well as numerous pieces of junk and debris. It really is a testament to the Earth’s nature that their orbits haven’t degraded or fallen. 

The International Space Station’s still up there, you know. Impossible as it is, it hasn’t fallen. Not that anybody knows it exists, and even if they did, what exactly would they find of use up there?


~~~


“Bonnie!” Twilight and Marceline screamed at the same time. 

Lapis burst into action, trying to control the various pieces of gum that had flown everywhere, but they had very little water content. All she could do was scoop it all up with the rest of her water diluting it. “I… I’m trying, I…”

“Get it over here!” Twilight called, pointing at the soup of pink that was inside Bonnibel’s armor. “We need a way to cool her down!”

“There’s ice in the city!” Finn shouted. “Just inside the gates!”

“On it!” Lapis took off.

Marceline tried to touch the armor, but it burned her fingers. “Bonnie, you had to go and be stupid…”

“We’re not done!” Twilight shouted. “She has vast stores of magic and r-regenerative properties and…”

“Ice” Lapis shouted, dumping an entire vendor’s cart worth of ice over the steaming armor. The temperature of the metal quickly dropped, though it turned the ice into a bunch of slush. The gum within started to solidify… but there was no face. 

“Bonnie…” Twilight said, placing a hoof on the armor now that it wasn’t boiling hot. “Earlier… you touched me with magic you didn’t know you had. Y-y—” She choked on her words, coughing up some phlegm in the process. Forcing it back down, she made no efforts to keep her tears from falling onto the armor. “You saved us. You won! You’ve been the force behind all of this and you are a great friend and…” She forced her breathing to slow, feeling the small spark of magic left in her horn spread to her eyes. “You’re fine.”

Rainbow walked up to Twilight, putting a wing around her. A soft red and purple light came from the two of them, touching Bonnibel. It restored her shape, pushed all gum back where it should be, face reformed… but no breath. 

But there was a spark, not within the harmony, but within Bonnibel herself. Twilight nudged it with her magic, prompting the spark to flare up. She saw roses…

That, Twilight thought. That’s hers. I just need t—

She barely had to think it and the magic flared, coming from Bonnibel’s core and engulfing her entire body. Her chest rose and fell as soft white sparkles moved up and down her body. With the second breath, she opened her eyes. 

“Bonnie…?” Marceline asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Bonnie blinked. “Did someone shoot me?”

“Peepers,” Twilight answered, taking a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. “But that doesn’t matter right now, you’re fine!”

“How?” Bonnibel coughed. “...Harmony magic?”

“I… I touched a spark of magic within you. The harmony let me use it, but the healing… that was all you. I just released it.”

Bonnibel frowned. “Right… Twilight, I think I’ll be taking you up on that offer to learn magic, later.”

“Yes. Later.” Marceline insisted. “You’re going to rest right now, Bonnie.”

“I won’t have any problem with that. But first…” She tried to sit up, but realized she was stuck under half frozen slush. “Uh… help?”

Lapis broke the ice and released her, helping her stand up with some watery supports. Nodding her thanks, Bonnibel weakly turned to Jack. “Samurai Jack.”

“Princess Bubblegum.”

“Do not run away again,” Bonnibel said. “You need to be protected, now more than ever.”

“Aku will destroy you if you shelter me.”

“And if you are not sheltered, in a week he will have won.” She let out a deep breath. “The Equestrians have a powerful artifact called the Elements of Harmony. I believe they are the reason he does not attack them directly. If you are within their care, he will not dare to approach you.” 

“I could not a—”

“I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic,” Twilight announced. “And with the power vested in me as Princess and Element, I hereby decree that Jack is under the official protection of the Equestrian Crown. If he will not come willingly into protective custody I will force him.”

Rainbow snickered. “She’s gotcha, Jack.”

Jack sighed, shaking his head—but smiling softly. “As you wish.”

“I… I want to help him too,” Starlight said, slinking up to Jack. “To… make up for it.”

“You have more than made up for your actions by fighting the true fight,” Jack said, placing a hand on her. 

“Still… I was going down a bad place. You made me realize something that they,” she gestured at Rainbow and Twilight, “never could.”

Twilight gasped. “Starlight, do you—”

“Cutie marks are still an evil abomination that destroys the rights of ponies,” Starlight huffed. “But… no, I don’t want to make you suffer anymore.” She laughed nervously. “Do you know what Aku offered me for doing his dirty work? A portal to the past, where I could ruin the six of your lives on that day with the Rainboom.”

“I am not sure he would have let you,” Jack said. 

“I was desperate and angry.” She glanced at Rainbow. “Still am. But you know what, if I ruined all your lives you wouldn’t have been here to deal with all of this insanity and… I’m just not a fan of the domino effect on that one.”

Twilight extended a hoof to Starlight. “I understand. And I hope we can be friends. I would love to hear about why you think cutie marks are evil.”

Starlight refused the hoof. “...Maybe later.”

Twilight failed in her attempts to not look hurt. “O-okay.”

“Right, day’s been saved!” Finn clapped his hands. “Now let’s get everyone inside, to the hospital, and sleep. We’ll figure out what to do with everything in the morning, right Peebles?”

Bonnibel nodded weakly, taking a deep breath to formulate her response. “Yes, yes. And any Watchdogs who are still around are welcome to sleep in the royal guest hall.” She glanced at Twilight. “We don’t need more fighting.”

Twilight nodded in appreciation. “Let’s all get some sleep.” 

It was at this point that Hater’s skull dug itself out of the ground, gnashing angrily. “I didn’t lose! I’m still fighting! I’m ready to face it! The Greatest in the Galaxy wi—”

“That’s it!” Lapis shouted, pulling Hater’s skull and body out of the ground and smashing the two together, creating a Hater that was missing an arm. “I am so sick of you and your dumb angry punching complex!”

“Put me down and I’ll punch you into next week!”

Lapis grinned. “Oh, I’ll put you down. You’re from space, right? You’ve been trying to fix your ship to get back there?”

“Yes! Duh!” Hater rolled his eyes. “What part of this don’t you understand?”

“Just confirming a hunch.” Lapis took all the water she could from the surrounding area, drying up most of the mud in the process. She stuck Hater in the middle of it… and twisted her arms. 

The entire volume of water erupted in a water spout that kept going and going for miles into the air until none of them could see the top anymore. A solid minute later, Lapis clapped her hands, and the water spout burst. Rain began to descend on the Candy Capital. 

“Did… did you just launch him into orbit?” Bonnibel asked.

“Yep.” Lapis put her hands proudly on her hips. “He won’t be coming back down.”

“I… I knew Lapis Gems could leave the gravity well but I’d never thought…” Bonnibel put a hand to her head. “Okay, I’ll ask about later. My head…”

“I’m going to do an encore.” Lapis rubbed her hands together. “Where’s that Peepers guy?”

“Oh, him?” Jake said. “He ran off the moment he shot the Princess.”

“...And you didn’t stop him!?”

“Nobody seemed to care.”

“More pressing things were happening at the time!” 

“So that’s why I didn’t do anything.”

“AUGH!” Lapis pulled her hair. “I… just can’t… even…”

“Go get some sleep,” Bonnibel suggested. 

“Gems don’t need sleep!”

“But you can.”

“F-fine.” Lapis crossed her arms. “Sleep’s okay, I guess.”

“Woohoo, slumber party!” Pinkie called. 

Rainbow facehooved. “Uuuugh…”

“No party, just rest,” Jack insisted. 

“Fine,” Pinkie said, pouting. 

“Oh, uh, the ex-King might need a new bed,” Finn said. “I crashed through his mushroom when Aku threw me.”

“W-what!?” the previously silent ex-King shouted. “No… no… no! My one possession! My wish! Noooooooo!” He shouted to the heavens his pure, emotionally potent rage. 

And nobody cared.
> XLII - Toward a New Future
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Endings are lies. 


~~~


It was a few days before Bonnibel got an airship fully prepared for the journey across the Everfree. But when it was ready, she ordered everyone who needed to leave to leave. Aku was known to regenerate from a weakened state in a week, they couldn’t chance him trying to arrive early. Jack needed to get to protection. 

This was why Bonnibel and Jack were currently bowing in farewell to one another. Jack wore some simple armor that Bonnibel had loaned him, having replaced many of his weapons with ones from her personal armory. Bonnibel herself was in her simple, pink Princess dress, wearing the crown of her office proudly. 

“It’s always interesting when you come, Samurai,” Bonnibel said. 

“There is an ancient curse,” Jack answered with a soft smile. “May you live in interesting times.”

“Man, if that’s a curse, give me more!” Marceline added, shooting some finger guns at him. Bonnibel nudged her to not be quite so cringy. Marceline continued emphasizing the finger guns with little “pew pew” noises. 

“We hardly got to do any training at all,” Finn sighed. “It’s not fair.”

“You have a capable trainer in Rattleballs. See him more often. And if you visit my new home, I would be honored to instruct you further. You have potential, Finn.” He placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “And do not grieve the loss of your sword.”

Finn pulled the broken Finn Sword out, frowning. “It… it still works.” He couldn’t take his eyes off the cracked central crystal. It had lost its power. “Aku needs to pay.”

“Aku has a list of crimes much larger than you or I can imagine,” Jack nodded sagely. “When the day comes to end his reign, I hope you will stand by my side.”

“You can count on it!” 

“Yeah!” Jake added. “I’m gonna show that wannabe shapeshifter how it’s really done.”

“Neither of you are real shapeshifters,” Starlight pointed out. “The changelings have you beat on that.”

Jake pointed a finger at her like he wanted to disagree but couldn’t find a good reason to. “Meeeeh…”

Lastly, Jack came to Lapis. “Are you certain you wish to stay here?”

Lapis nodded. “Bonnie has the resources to help me find my answers. And… I want to stay close to the old temple.”

Rainbow Dash floated up, hooves completely healed from her prior problems. “Because it’s home, or because you want to keep an eye on the eldritch penguin that’s taken up residence?”

“Yes,” Lapis said, chuckling. “Gunter seems harmless.”

“Seems,” Finn reminded her. 

“And Apex Daffodil seems super dangerous,” Rainbow said, pointing at the deer standing next to Twilight. “But look at him!”

Twilight put a hoof to her mouth. “I hope Owlowicious isn’t jealous of him. Apex Daffodil might be able to do just about anything, but I don’t think he’ll be good at fetching quills.” 

Apex Daffodil turned his head into a pineapple and made bird noises. 

“So weird…” Rainbow shook her head. “I wonder how many ponies are going to try to talk to him?”

Pinkie bounced to her. “I dunno! But I do know he’ll be great at parties!” She threw confetti everywhere. “Bonnie, Marcie, I’ll be sure to send you invitations. Don’t ask how I’ll get them to you. I have my ways.”

Bonnibel furrowed her brow. “Bu—”

Marceline grabbed Bonnibel by the shoulders. “Don’t question her.”

“Marcie, not you too.”

“Let her work her magic.”

“I…” Bonnibel put her hand to the bridge of her nose and forced herself to ignore the burning in the back of her mind. “Okay! I won’t ask about it!” She pointed at Twilight. “Until you start teaching me magic.”

“I look forward to your visit!” Twilight assured her. 

“I wish I could staaaaay,” Pinkie whined, falling at Bonnibel’s knees. “But I’m an Element of Harmony and we need to protect Jack…” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out eventually,” Marceline encouraged. 

“I’m hoping we can just find his sword,” Starlight commented. 

Jack frowned. “I…”

“Didn’t have a magical mastermind on your side,” Starlight interrupted. “...Once you’re settled, tell me where you lost it.”

“Deep in Aku’s dominion.”

“Then that’s where I’ll be going. Later.”

Jack didn’t try to talk her out of it, though given the shake of his head he clearly wanted to. Turning to Bonnibel, he bowed once again. “I repeat my thanks for your hospitality.”

“It was the least I could do. And Twilight?”

“Hmm?” Twilight said, looking up. 

“Tell Celestia and Luna I plan on coming on a diplomatic mission of my own as soon as I’ve gotten the Kingdom back on track. It’ll take some time to undo all the damage Koo did—” Marceline snickered at Bonnibel’s use of the nickname. “—but the Watchdogs have actually been really helpful in the reconstruction efforts. We might even be able to repair their ship!”

Twilight teleported, pressing her muzzle into Bonnibel’s nose. “Do not. Launch. Without me.”

“I won’t! I won’t!” Bonnibel promised.

“Good!” Twilight teleported back to her original position. “Well, we’re just delaying it now. See you later! Everyone, on the airship!”

Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, Starlight, Jack, and Apex Daffodil walked up the ramp into the balloon. It folded up behind them and they took off into the air, leaving Finn, Jacke, Marceline, Bonnie, and Lapis behind. 

“All right.” Bonnibel turned to Lapis. “Let’s get back to the library, we need to figure out as much as we can about your history.”

“Shouldn’t you worry about your Kingdom first?” 

Bonnibel frowned. “Yes. But… we haven’t found anything solid for you, yet. I know there’s something.”

“Let’s rebuild everything first.” Lapis smiled softly. “I can wait for my answers.”

“If you insist…”

Lapis snapped her fingers. “Oh, and your pumpkins are doing great. They just needed a little more watering control.”

“I still can’t believe you’re a pumpkin farming expert.”

“My life is an enigma.”

“Wrapped in a mystery,” Finn added.

“Wrapped in bacon,” Jake finished. 

Everyone had a short laugh at this. Turning, they walked back to the Candy Capital. The pyramids had all been removed, returning it to how it was supposed to look. Pink, colorful, and with only two gumball guardians around it. The rest were out guarding the other cities, as they should be. Cracks were starting to be filled with icing, and the Butterscotch Lake was being refilled…

The Candy Kingdom was returning to the way it should be. 


~~~


The evil forces of the world brooded. 

One paced in circles in a dream far from the minds of others, plotting how he was to try next time. 

One sat in the bottom of his tree, regenerating his power, knowing the Samurai was vulnerable and yet out of his grasp.

And the other…

...drifted in orbit around the Earth, chin pressed into his hand. He let out a dreamy sigh. 

“What’s up with you?” a round, pink head asked him. 

“Wh—” Hater stared at the head in shock. “Who are you?”

“I’m Grob,” she said—it sounded like a she, anyway. “I just chill up here, in orbit. Usually don’t see anybody but my other heads up here.”

“Oh.” He turned away from her, uninterested.

“I’m up here because I sacrificed myself to divert a fake comet,” she continued. “You?”

“A pretty pink girl beat me up,” he sighed. 

Grob raised her eyebrow. “You don’t sound… upset.”

“Oh, I’m furious. But… she’s perfect.”

“Oh for the—I don’t even know who you’re talking about and I know you’re delusional.”

“JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A HISTORY OF REJECTION DOESN’T MEAN THIS WILL FALL THROUGH!”

Grob blinked. “I hope our orbits never interact again.”

“Likewise! Let me drift in peace!” 

“Just wait a few minutes, the orbital vis will move us away from each other.”

“Can I make it go faster?”

“Not really.”

“Aaaaaaaagh…”

It was at this point a bubble moving faster than the speed of light appeared in front of Hater, holding a blue horse-like reptile being ridden by a small, fuzzy orange alien in a green hat. 

The orange alien gasped. “Hatey! We found you!”

“No…” Hater breathed, already feeling as though he were about to hyperventilate. “No…”

The alien pulled out a banjo. “Why, I’m so happy I could just sing!”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” the skeleton bellowed, shaking his fist in the direction of the sun, devolving into half-panicked weeping as he ran out of breath. 

This did not stop the banjo from being played. 


THE END