"Blow me away" by the CMC

by Nekobladen

Verse 1

Three young girls walked the dark halls of an unfamiliar house. An endeavor made more difficult by the storm raging outside, its loud thunder shook the foundation sending vibrations through their skin.

Watching them past was a creature darker then the night itself, made from the nightmares of children. Slowly it sang to them in a soft whisper, “they fall in line”.

Apple Bloom, the leader of the three, stopped and listened to the voice holding her shotgun at the ready, she waiting to hear more.

The other two who had been following her stopped as well, taking the moment to look around. Behind them stretched a large barely lit hallway that ended with a descending stair case.

Sweetie Belle was mentally critiquing the design of the carpet they were currently standing on, red velvet with gold fringe just seem a bit much for a carpet in a house. So unconcerned with the danger they faced, the sniper rifle she was carrying still laid secure on her back.

Scootaloo on the other hand was griping her battle rifle like her life depended on it, so aware of her surrounding she noticed the cooled air made by the rain outside.

The atmosphere was dead and silent as they waited; the only sound came from the rain endlessly falling outside. The unknown voice did not speak again, all they could notice was the many shadows that adorned the furnishing of the hallway. A bolt of lightening lit up the wooden walkway momentarily banishing the shadows that plagued them, but one was not so easily moved.

Sweetie Belle, having the only pair of free hands, quickly took out her flashlight, moving it on the odd looking shadow.

Its edges slowly curved like water into the outline of a figure they didn't recognize, it moved along the walls surface toward a door ahead of them that was cracked open.

Slowly fading into the dark room it spook to them again, “One at a time” before fading into the dark nothing.

Scootaloo moved the night vision goggles she had, over her eves, with the press of a button her dark surroundings were bathing in an eerie green light. The goggles emitted a soft ‘hmm’ when powered, but stealth was not her focus at the moment.

Sweetie Belle put away her light and began reading her sniper, standing between her and Scoots was Apple Bloom, pushing the only member of the team with night vision forward.

Not wanting to look scared in front of her friends she advanced forward, leaning her side against the wall she peaked into the black room.

Inside the room she could see a large book shelf, a coffee table, a sofa, and a throw rug. All the normal things one might expect from a spooky mansion. Then, just behind the door frame, she noticed a black object resting against the wall. Swallowing the saliva she had been holding back, she held her weapon close to her chest. Then, in a rush of adrenaline, she pushed the door open and unloaded her entire clip of ammo into its form.

The sound a metal hit the floor as the coat rack fell, the dark jacket it held smoking in the aftermath.

Her two crusading friends peeked inside to see what she had shot; their gaze fell to the defeated cloth, breaking into small smirks, they looked to their comrade ready to mock the spooked trigger happy crusader.

Scootaloo lifted her goggles before turning around; the full force of her glare was comparable only to the legendary ‘stare’.

They back peddled out of the door frame as she walked out, not daring to udder a word. Loud footsteps echo into the hall as an irate Scootaloo stomped out, expelling the empty casing and forcefully exchanging it with a new one.

Down the next hallway the same voiced called out to them, “ready to play” in a taunting tone. Scootaloo was already gritting her teeth in anger at her fear being found out, she was not about to let some shadow show her up and started after it.

Sweetie Belle, having recovered from her near death experience, placed a hand on her friends’ shoulder, before she could rush after it. Scootaloos sun set hair swayed as she turned to face her friend, not looking a bit happier than she had moments ago, but the reassuring smile she saw sweetie Belle wearing melting the edge she had built up.

Scootaloo relaxed her tense muscles, the battle rifle she carried slowly hung eased in her grip. Apple Bloom moved ahead past the other two, stopping at the corner of the hallway. Sweetie and Scoots fall in line behind her, covering the rear from a surprise attack.

Before leaning out of cover, they all notice the sound of floor boards creaking. All of them had the same idea of what could be making the sound. Apple Bloom Peeked just enough of her face around the edge to see, before her the long hall stretched, darkened but not impossible to navigate through.

“I can’t see them, anyway- “turning back to speak to them directly, her sentence was cut short by the sound of slamming doors. Looking back out, every door in the hallway had been swung open and black creatures poured out of them.

“No time to lose, we’ve got to move!” Apple Bloom called out over her shotgun fire.

Sweetie was the first to act, having a long rang type weapon she knew staying back a distance was better, but the overt creep factor kept her close to her friends. Now she couldn't give any support fire and was force to simply run.

Scoots was right behind her with Apple Bloom taking pop shots at their on coming enemy. The barrage of gun fire did seem to slow down the shadows movements, but only long enough for the crusaders to make a foot more distance.

Scootaloos heartbeat was increasing by the second. Every maneuver pushed her adrenaline fueled body harder, taking out another clip of ammo from her pocket she fumbled it and it fell to the floor. Not thinking, she momentarily stopped to pick it up.

Apple Bloom saw her friend drop her cartridge and stop to retrieve it. Grabbing her by the shoulder she yanked her back, forcing her to leave it behind.

“Steady your hand!” she shouted while blasting off a shotgun round, splintered wood flew up from its many bullet holes in the walls and floor.

Sweetie Belle had taken position at the top of the stairs; looking back she saw the shadows closing in on her friends. Dropping to a knee she tried to focus her sniper rifle.

As she did the dim lights started to dim even more, somehow blurring the difference between her friends and the shadows, not wanting to cause friendly fire she called out to them “I am losing sight again” in an irritated shout.

Comments

[Ghost8909]

Props to Sweetie Bell for the M95, and Scootaloo for the AUG, but... what the hell does Apple Bloom have...?

[Guardian]

Blow Me Away.

[Manticore328]

1125986 Looks to be a sniper rifle from halo...i wubs halo.

[Ghost8909]

1125998
Me? No. I personally don't like Halo in any way. So I wouldn't have recognized it in a million years.

[Manticore328]

1126008 Ha its all good its not every ones slice of applepie. I see you like bf3 though which i do like also. Just not a big fan of COD.

[Arcane Howitzer]

1125998
Actually, all three of them seem to be wielding Halo weapons
Battle Rifle for Scoots
Shotgun for Applebloom
and Sniper Rifle for Sweetie Belle
Will read latter though.

[Ghost8909]

1126049
Why do people keep putting Halo and MLP together...?

[01019928383]

Yey i love the CMCs

[Manticore328]

1126064 Cause halo is so . I love that game halo 4 made me sqee so hard.

[Ghost8909]

1126120
So offence, but I don't like Halo. I'm not one of those people who go "Urrg! Halo sux and everyone who plays isa fag!" but I *do* skip all the adds.

[Manticore328]

1126142 I totally get it. I have plenty of friends that prefere COD or somthing else. I personally dislike people like tha,t that are all like oh your such a noob you like halo/COD/BF3. Just so childish.

[Ghost8909]

1126209
Well, exactly. Glad to see normal people are showing up on the internet lately.

[Manticore328]

1126238 Hah bro were bronies "normal" isnt the word i would use...more like totally super duper amazing people.

[Ghost8909]

1126400
I like it... XD Either way, we'll be accepted eventually... hopefully it won't become a hipster thing though.

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Call To Arms - Manowar

[Manticore328]

1126471 Excepted i dought it. As long as somthing exsists it will be hated by some one some were. But the more you hate somthing the stronger it gets as when you openly hate it people decide to look at it and see what it is. So ironically enough the only reason the fandom took off and turned into what it is now rather than die in 4chan as some half baked fandom is because of hate. We have haters to thank for our ponies.

[Ghost8909]

1126555
I guess... Meh, forget them anyways. They're missing out XD

[leafz pegasus]

Nice cover art, who are they fighting?

[White-Ink]

It's ironic that the only relevant comment thus far was from Relevant Heavy Metal. Time to change that.

There are a few flaws with this piece of writing, the main one being that your paragraphs are too chopped up. Description of the environment should be enclosed in one (or two, when very lengthy) paragraph(s) only, not separated into three or four as done here. You'll also want to condense the character's actions. The section where Scootaloo fumbled with the ammo could be shortened/rewritten as two paragraphs: one where Scootaloo drops the ammo and reaches for it and another with Applebloom's reaction. Doing this will make the writing feel less drawn out and much easier to read.

Other than this and a few errors which slipped through the editing process, the other issue is that we have absolutely no idea what's going on and aren't given enough info about the present to allow for a satisfactory explanation later. We don't know what the CMC are doing in that house in the middle of a thunderstorm, we don't know why they have guns and we have no idea what the CMC are fighting at the moment ("a black shadow" gives the reader absolutely nothing to go off of). Even if a proper introduction to the story is to be given later, we need enough description of the current scene to assist both the story now and in a chapter's rime.

Of course, it's not surprising that there are flaws with this, considering that you're trying a new writing style. I hope what I've written as constructive critique is able to help you improve your writing.

[Arcane Howitzer]

1126064
Pretty much any FTL drive is kind of a ready-made crossover method, like Twilight Sparkle failing a spell.

[Necroesphere]

Really good story. I believe you are going to be throwing in a back story somewhere, hopefully. And age, and other things. But this is a great opening to a story. Just don't keep people waiting.

[Armageden]

Why is this canceled.

[Armageden]

1126049 Well because we feel like it