While wondering around in an unexplored area of Everfree, Fluttershy meets a strange creature. Together they face unseen dangers while trying to find the path that leads them home.
Chapters (2)
Nekobladen
Joined 17th Dec, 2011 ·
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So... another Human in Equestria story, eh?
Hmm... Some typos and odd word choices, but seems interesting enough so far. : )
Seems interesting. Might what to touch up the grammar a bit but overall it's pretty good.
He doesn't seem to be a brony and he's certainly not a solider, so that's a plus.
Excellent
>>thatguyfromkfc :
I know how you feel, when I first learned of these all I could think of was "They wouldn't act like". That being said, yes Its still gonna be a Gary sue story and yes The ponies will act OOC but it won't as bad as your imaging. Not to spoil anything but hes not going to be loved by evvery pony just cus hes nice Nor will things just happen because it moves the plot faster.
Also I will never have chapter after chapter devoted to his back story again. When I first wrote this I didn't a blank canvas so I gave him TO MUCH BG overcompensating.
It will get better.
I liked it
great
Really good I'm looking forward to more!
This story is dang old, but I’ll review it because you asked nicely. ;P Also, I hope you don’t mind criticism, ‘cause here comes a buttload. Please don’t be offended. :)
First off, grammar. There were multiple instances of run-on sentences, or two or more standalone sentences that were only joined by a comma. For instance, here’s a run-on sentence with three standalone sentences joined by only commas:
Sometimes the solution (like in this case and most cases in your fic) is to change the commas to periods. Sometimes it’s to put in a conjunction ("and", "but", "so", "or", etc.) with the comma, like so:
I ate a bagel, and it was good.
Those are two standalone sentences (underlined) joined by a comma and a conjunction ("and"). It’s one solution if you have two sentences that are related, but again, for most of the run-on sentences in your fic, changing the commas to periods is what I would do.
Run-on sentences were the biggest thing. There were other grammar errors and typos, but I can’t go through them all. Capitalization, “its” and “it’s”, “then” and “than”, “their” and “there”, commas (both needed and unnecessary), hyphen usage, and semicolon usage would be good things to look up.
Let’s get to the actual story. First thing: this is a self-insert. It’s sort of obvious from the way you name your main character “Bladen” (your username is NekoBladen) and you give the other characters more common names. I’ll just warn you that self-inserts are a turnoff for some readers.
Another thing is that this story does have some cliches, even though this is a relatively old fanfic and cliches weren’t really around at that time, but still: A human arrives in Equestria in the Everfree Forest, Fluttershy is the one who finds him there, the human’s stomach growls, which is how Fluttershy knows he’s hungry. Cliches don’t make a story inherently bad. It’s just that they’re so common, a reader today will look at this story and say, “Meh, I’ve seen this before,” and move on.
The part with Fluttershy was alright. You’ve got good descriptive language, at least. The problem was that there was a lot of narration: too much narration for my taste. Have her say more things to herself or think to herself more.
And, I don’t think thoughts should go in parentheses. A good convention is to put thoughts in italics (Example: Oh, I wish it would make up its mind, Fluttershy thought.). Then, when you make that distinction, readers will interpret any full sentences in italics as thoughts. If you want, you can put thoughts in quotation marks, but you’ll have to distinguish every time that they’re thoughts and not something said out loud (Example: “Oh, I wish it would make up its mind,” Fluttershy thought.). I recommend italics.
The perspective shift was a little… jarring. In the first chapter, at the end of and still within Fluttershy’s perspective, you have a paragraph where you say everything from Bladen’s perspective: things that we’ll already learn in the next section. It’s unnecessary and confusing, because we’ve shifted perspectives before we hit that page break (the horizontal rule). Up until that page break, just stick with Fluttershy’s point of view.
When we get to the second half of the first chapter, Bladen talks about how he’s gotten a job at a grocery store and the people he met there and so on and so on… and I got bored. There’s a saying, and I forgot where I heard it, but it goes “Start as close to the end as possible.” Unless I need to know every single thing that you described before he gets lost in the woods, don’t put it in there. That work drama and working in the grocery store and everything was extra stuff that felt unnecessary to the story. What I would do is begin Bladen’s backstory at the campfire, and while he’s interacting with the people there, briefly show their relationship to Bladen by making Alice grumpy and Jason friendly and throw in whatever else the reader needs to know before continuing. That “trims the fat” in a way, making your story more purposeful and making the most use of your readers’ time.
Some of the things Bladen says are just… weird.
…really? I do not know a single person whose favourite food is “random assortment of baked goods”. Just pick one, like donuts or muffins or something. Also, “nothing” is a weird thing to like. Perhaps “doing nothing”?
This was an odd place to mention he has “allergies”. Also, if he has allergies, why did he go on the camping trip? And when he did go on the camping trip, why didn’t his allergies bother him? And also, you can just say that he’s shy. You don’t have to say that he has a “social complex” – it’s just shyness, which is a fairly common personality trait.
He calls a girl his “love”, who should really just be his “crush”. Otherwise, it sounds weird that he’s proclaiming true love for a girl he hasn’t ever really talked to. Also, when you introduced her, you didn’t introduce her name at the same time, and I had to figure out myself that the girl he really likes and Abby are the same person.
No, I don’t recall. It was said that he got a job from a few phone calls ("Anyway, a few phone calls later and I'm employed bagging grocery's"), but not necessarily his family’s connections. If that was the case, you’d have to make that clear. Also, a good rule of thumb: don’t use “you” in narration, even first person narration.
That’s… strange. A more reasonable thing would be hiding it with your hand or something, but he actually runs around to hide a smile? Bladen is… strange.
The part where he gets lost in the forest just… didn’t feel believable. There was a point where he was listening to music and he danced and he cried… and I don’t know why. Did he go insane? Because if he did, you’d need to write more words detailing the three days he spends in the woods, because at the moment they’re covered by only two paragraphs. Going insane is a process, and just telling us that he’s insane isn’t enough; you need to show it. Otherwise, the dancing and crying seems really overdramatic.
Overall, it’s a so-so story that I had a difficult time believing. The grammar issues were noticeable enough that they became distracting. The premise is something I’ve seen before. However, your descriptive language is good and the nonverbal communication between Bladen and Fluttershy is interesting. I'd give it a 4/10.