Chapter 8- It Ain't What It Looks Like!
Twilight groaned. It was already midnight, and they'd only translated half of the inscription! Academic frustration wasn't usually something she had to deal with, as she picked up on most sciences rather quickly. She glanced toward her couch where Macintosh was slumped over with a book across his lap and not a conscious thought in his head. Twilight didn't want to wake him, so she removed the book from his lap (lest he stain it with any more drool) and gently wrapped a blanket around him. She kept the treehouse as cool as possible. It was better for studying that way.
Twilight found herself staring a bit longer than usual at her friend's significant stallion. He was certainly handsome, and with moral fiber to boot. It was a wonder he had managed to stay single for so long! Still, though a tinge of jealousy she may have felt, she was genuinely happy for Rainbow. She knew if anypony needed somepony to keep her naturally brash attitude in check, it was her.
She glanced back to Mac and sighed. When would a special somepony translate an inscription on an old piece of jewelry for her? Perhaps that was a bit specific, but the library certainly got lonely after Spike had gone to bed. The usual energy she had for studious activities quickly disappeared as her thoughts drifted to her shortcomings as a mare. Twilight looked at the clock, realizing it was getting rather late. She blew out the candles lighting the living room, leaving Mac on the couch as she ascended her staircase to the loft.
I guess I could wake up and translate the rest... she thought as she flopped onto her bed. Another night of sharing it with her usual companion; nothing. She had been sent to Ponyville to make friends, but what about the feelings that lay beyond friendship? When would it be her time to discover those? It seemed to be all around her, everywhere she looked there were pony couples eating, having fun, or just enjoying the fact that they'd found each other. Twilight buried her face in her pillow, the usual spot where she stored her tears.
One day Twilight... just keep holding out hope, she assured herself, though this assurance did nothing to stop a few tears from trickling off her cheeks and into her soft pillow.
One day...
After breakfast with her mom, Rainbow was ready to head back to Ponyville. Her mother stopped her at the front door.
"Rainbow, I know I haven't been very supportive of you lately, and I wanted to tell you, that whether you make the cut or you don't, that I'm proud of you, my little bluebird." she whispered sincerely. Rainbow ordinarily hated the nickname her mother had for her when she was a filly, but considering the context, she knew better than to complain. She smiled warmly back at her mother before giving her a hug.
"Thanks, Mom. It means a lot," she answered softly.
"Your father is proud of you too."
Rainbow sniffed back what looked like a tear, though she'd never admit if it had been.
"I know. I love you Mom, I'll let you know as soon as I find out."
A grimace from Rainbow interrupted her moment with her mother, followed by a sour taste rising in her throat from her stomach.
Her mother recognized the color draining from her daughter's face.
"Rainbow, are you feeling okay?" she asked, concern evident in her voice.
A small burp escaped Dash's lips as she tried in vain to settle her stomach. She had felt fine at breakfast, but now it was as though she had drank a whole gallon of sour milk.
"Ah... I think I just need to lay down for a second," she moaned, putting a hoof to her forehead. Her mother led her to the couch as she wrapped her in a blanket.
"Are you sure you're okay sweetheart?"
"Mom... I'm fine, I just—" Rainbow ended her own sentence with a rather obscene belch, before she realized what was about to happen. Her eyes darted frantically around the room before running to the kitchen and holding her head over a trash can as she released the breakfast she had just eaten rather violently.
After a few dry heaves, her stomach spasms calmed down, and she removed her head from above the fowl smelling receptacle. She spit a few times into the trash can before her mother gave her a glass of water to rinse her mouth out. Wave lifted her daughter's prismatic mane, putting a motherly hoof on her forehead.
"You don't feel hot..."
"I know... I think I've got a stomach bug or something... it couldn't have come at a worse time, but I usually get better in an hour or so," Dash explained, rinsing her mouth thoroughly before spitting into the sink.
"Please take care of yourself sweetie, I know you don't like doctors, but medicine might help you feel better."
"Thanks Mom, I'll keep that in mind."
With that, Rainbow set off toward Ponyville, ready to spend time with the one bright spot she knew would never disappoint. First however, she figured she'd pay her old flight school pal a visit, it'd been almost a week since she'd seen her, and Dash was certain she'd want to hear all about how she had done at the tryouts.
While visiting Fluttershy, she tipped her off to what Mac had been up to while she'd been gone. Apparently, he'd been spending considerable time at Twilight's while she was away. At first, she thought nothing of it, but as she let the idea fester, she became increasingly unsure of Mac's true intentions. After all, he had held on to Twilight's doll to 'start a conversation' with her, so she knew he at least thought she was attractive...
No! He's AJ's brother! His sister alone would whip him if she found out he was two-timing me! she thought as she flew over to Twilight's to see what exactly the two of them had been doing while she was gone.
It was early, but the sun was already up, so she figured Twilight would at least be puttering around the library looking for her morning tea. Too tired from tryouts to use her usual entrance method, she knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for a purple unicorn to answer it.
Mac's ears perked up as a knocking stirred him from his sprawled out position on Twilight's couch. The blanket had been wadded up on the floor during the night, Macintosh coming to the startling realization that he had fallen asleep at Twilight's! The sun was already shining through the windows, indicating he was very late on his morning chores. AJ wouldn't let him hear the end of it if she ended up having to do his chores and her own.
He scrambled off the couch, heading to answer the door and head back to Sweet Apple Acres when he discovered the identity of the caller to be none other than Rainbow. She was less than happy to see him answering Twilight's door.
"Rainbow! A-ah didn't expect ta see you here," he said nervously as she eyed him with suspicion.
"And I didn't expect to see you here either!" she shot back, "What are you doing here this early?"
"Ah... uhm..." he didn't want to spoil the surprise, but at the same time, he didn't want her to think anything indecent had gone on.
"Ah came over ta work on somethin' with Twilight, and it was gettin' pretty late, so Ah just spent the night over here."
"Fluttershy told me this isn't the first time you've been here while I was at tryouts," she added, her features sharpening into a glare as she began to connect the dots, whether they were there to be connected or not.
"Ah, well she's right, Ah've been here a few times before—"
"You what?!"
"Rainbow, please let me explain. It ain't what you think, Ah was workin' on a surprise for you!" he pled, seeing her expression morph slowly between anger and betrayal.
"Really? What surprise?" she asked, regaining a bit of her lost calm.
"Ah... it's not ready yet."
That was the last straw. She had never felt this angry at him before. It was certainly an alien feeling, but she couldn't help but allow it to express itself in the form of a harsh glare and a few cold responses.
"So let me see if I have this right," Dash began, "You've been over here, multiple times, all while I was out of town for a 'surprise' for me?" she knew lies when they were told to her. Or at least, she thought she did.
"Ah know it sounds suspicious, but yeah," he answered, thinking surely honesty would be the best solution for her suspicion.
She didn't answer, Dash merely held a glare as she took off toward her house, leaving Mac calling for her to come back.
You know he would never lie to you, her conscience nagged.
She knew it was right, but the painful thought that Mac could have had relations with one of her best friends kept itself at the forefront of her mind.
Then why am I flying away?
"Dang. Well, Ah suppose Ah'd better come clean before this gets outta hoof," he said walking back into the library where he found Twilight happily bounding down the stairs with a slip of paper in her magic.
"Guess what I did last night, Mac!" she chimed happily, giving him the paper.
He read the words below the gibberish they had tried so hard to crack.
"You figured it out! Twilight, Ah knew if anypony could, it'd be you!" he said thankfully.
"That's right!" she beamed pridefully, "Who was at the door?" she asked, having heard the commotion from her room.
"Actually, it was Rainbow. She thinks we've been seeing each other behind her back."
Twilight laughed heartily at the assertion on the outside, but on the inside...
"You should tell her what you've been working on," she suggested, putting her teapot on the stove. "There's no way she could stay mad at you."
"Ah'm headed that way now, hopefully she'll still listen to me," he added as he took his leave, stuffing the paper into his saddlebag and galloping towards Rainbow's house.
He arrived to find the rope ladder he had been using rolled up on her porch.
Ah guess she's pretty upset, he thought, calling her name from the ground below.
After no response, he tried again.
"C'mon Rainbow, Ah didn't do anything wrong! You know Ah'd never do somethin' like that to you!" he pled, only to have a rock miss his head by a few inches from above.
"Will you please just let me explain myself?" he asked, staring idly at the base of her house, hoping for an answer besides another rock.
Nothin'. Well, this is my last shot... he removed the piece of paper and wrapped it snugly around the rock, walking around to the side of Rainbow's house to her bedroom window. With a hard toss, the rock shattered the glass, startling the occupant.
At first, Rainbow was furious. He makes time for another mare behind her back, and then has the gall to break one of her windows? He'd have gotten a smack in the face for this one if Dash hadn't noticed the paper around the outside of the same stone she had thrown at him to go away.
Rainbow unfurled the paper and glanced at the two lines written on it. One phrase she recognized, but the other... she couldn't believe it. She and Twilight had spent days trying to decipher it, and yet here it was, translated!
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
How oddly appropriate. Realizing this must have been the surprise he had mentioned, she quickly trotted to her porch.
Macintosh waited for a response, but got none. As he was about to turn back to his farm, he heard the rope ladder unfurl from her lofty home, granting him access.
He smiled, quickly scaling the ladder to where a teary eyed Rainbow waited for him.
"Mac... I'm... I..." she whimpered, at the mercy of her emotions.
He gave her the smile she had come to find such comfort in as he hugged her.
"Ah know you didn't mean it," he whispered as she tried to dry her tears. "You didn't think Ah'd ever cheat on you, did ya?"
"No... I mean... I did, but... I don't know why, I just..." she began crying, the tears now freely flowing. Mac had certainly never seen her like this before. In fact, he was fairly certain nopony alive had. Still, it was his duty as her coltfriend to comfort her in her time of need, even if she had been throwing rocks at his head a few minutes ago.
"I'm sorry Mac..."
He was certain he'd only heard those words once coming from her before, and it took nearly being killed and or imprisoned to get it out of her. "It's alright," he assured, "Ah know you're stressed from all this Wonderbolt trainin', it's probably worn on your nerves a bit."
Rainbow gave a smile through her tears as they began to dry up. "I've been all over the place lately... one second I'm pissed off for no reason, and the next minute I'm crying like a school filly," she lamented, noting how the stress of such intense training had been taking a toll on her normally stable moods.
"Well, you've never had to push yourself like this before, have ya?" he asked.
"No... you're right Mac, I'm just glad tryouts are over," she sighed, stepping towards her door, "I've got something to thank you for solving the mystery of my locket... it's inside." She smiled, beckoning him to follow.
Mac ears perked up. He would usually only get gifts on his birthday, and even then, most of the time it was new work equipment, or something that the farm needed, not so much him. A childlike smile crossed Macs lips as he followed her.
"Inside huh? Is it a new yoke?" he asked, his signature article of apparel meant the world to him, though it was showing its age after being worked for such a long time.
Rainbow shot her stallion a deadpan stare. "No Mac, think about it." She grinned, flicking her tail almost unnoticeably in anticipation of him connecting the rather obvious dots.
"Oh. Oh..." he answered, realizing where she was going with this. With a devilish smirk, he followed her inside for a little private time.
Rainbow rolled off from atop Mac, gasping for breath and basking in the afterglow of their afternoon delight. She could hear him catching his breath as well, laying next to her on her bed.
"Twice... in one afternoon... Ah guess you weren't kidding about th' mood swings, not that Ah'm complainin'."
Rainbow smiled, glad to have somepony to distract her from constantly worrying about whether or not she made the Wonderbolts.
"This whole week has just been so crazy," she admitted, still catching her breath and waiting for her wings to relax.
"Well, Ah'm just glad Ah could help ya relieve some of your stress..." he answered, rolling onto his side and kissing her softly, eliciting a giggle from behind her occupied lips.
"Me too. As much as I'd love a round three, don't you have farm work or something to do?" she asked as she broke the kiss.
Mac's eyes shot wide in horror. In his haste to reconcile Rainbow's irrational assumptions, he'd forgotten all about his chores!
"Sweet Celestia!" he groaned, rolling out of her bed and throwing on his yoke. "See ya Rainbow, come by th' farm for supper if ya don't feel like makin' anythin'!" he called over his shoulder, sliding out of sight down the rope ladder.
Rainbow took a deep breath, her wings finally folding neatly by her sides. Her stomach began to rumble as she felt the overwhelming urge to eat the odd combination of a dandelion sandwich and some ice cream.
Mac galloped through the gates of the farm to find a rather upset Applejack waiting for him.
"Just where in the hay have you been?" she demanded, sweat dripping from her brow, hooves and coat dirtied from a hard day in the fields.
"Ah'm sorry Applejack, Ah fell asleep at Twilight's, then Rainbow saw me and, it's a long story."
The look of anger still held on his sister's face as he stepped towards her.
"Ah'll do all your chores tomorrow, and mine. Okay?" he promised, as she scoffed at his offer, though accepted it.
"You've been with Rainbow this whole time?"
Mac's cheeks ran red involuntarily, "Yeah."
"Must be nice..." she grumbled under her breath, turning to head inside and wash up.
"Is there somethin' you want ta tell me, Applejack?" Mac knew when his little sister had something on her mind.
Ordinarily, she'd have said no and moved on, but something compelled her to reveal her feelings. She paused on the porch, before turning around to face him.
"Ah'm not tryin' ta be a stick in th' mud, but the farm needs you. Ah can't plow the fields like you can, it'd take me all week what it takes you a day to get done!" she snapped, still upset she had tried and failed to accomplish Mac's chores, even though she was voted most valuable pony. She was certainly a strong mare, but she couldn't hold a candle to Mac's raw power.
"Rainbow needed me too. Ah can be there for both, Ah just need ta manage my time better," he reasoned, "Besides, ain't you the one that insisted Ah take Rainbow on that drive?"
"Yeah, I just wanted you ta find a nice mare ta take up your down time, not replace us!" she snapped, instantly realizing she may have let her mouth wander a bit too far.
"...Is that what this is about?" Mac asked, somewhat stunned by her quick retort.
Applejack sighed, "No, Ah didn't mean that, but the farm is all we have Mac. If we don't get the fields plowed and planted in time to give 'em enough sunlight ta mature, we ain't gonna have a farm next year!"
"What? How do you know that, Ah ain't even done the quarterly profit margins yet!"
"It don't take a genius ta figure out we're runnin' out of money Mac! The cattle sale only got us enough to get through the winter! We still ain't made repairs ta the barn, or removed the dead apple trees from the southern fields! We barely had enough ta fix the windows Rainbow broke!"
Mac sighed. If there was ever anything that caused undue stress in his household, it was money. Something they never seemed to be able to get enough of.
"Don't worry, the fields will get plowed, and we'll sell all our apples, just like we always have," he assured her, but if there was one thing he knew his sister had plenty of, it was fight.
"Ah'm just tryin' ta plan for the worst. If we have ta start sellin' off land, we'll lose th' farm!"
"L-lose th' farm?" A soft voice from behind the two of them stammered.
Both looked back in shock as Applebloom stood behind them, having just returned from school to find them arguing.
"We're gonna lose the farm?" the filly repeated, on the verge of tears.
"No, we ain't losing a thing, silly filly. Mac and Ah were just arguin' about nothin'. Go inside and start on your homework. Mac'll be up in a minute ta check it for ya," Applejack insisted in the most comforting tone she could manage.
"B-but y'all just said—"
"Applebloom," Mac added sternly. "Go on, now."
She trotted past them and into the house where Granny Smith greeted her from inside, leaving Mac and AJ standing alone.
"We can talk about this later, Ah'm gonna get ready for supper," Applejack sighed as Mac followed her back into their farmhouse.
Macintosh ran a hoof through his mane as he sighed. Pulling those trees up would take weeks, and if he was doing that, then that meant nopony was plowing the fields. He'd need to hire some help, but he already knew their budget wouldn't allow it. It seemed he'd have to work himself to death to barely break even.
He cast a gaze over his orchards as the sun began its descent toward the horizon. His father worked these same fields with him when he was just a colt. He'd taken on a super-pony workload, and it still wasn't enough. He'd have to devote all his time to the farm, leaving very little time for anypony else, especially a certain pegasus.
He took a seat on the porch, leaning back against the house, trying to figure out how he could still work the farm, and have time for Rainbow. Unfortunately he wasn't coming up with anything. A shadow of doubt crossed his mind, but only for a moment.
What if Rainbow and I just aren't meant to be?
Try as he might to exile the thought, it persisted. First the inability to name something he liked about her in front of Fluttershy, and now this? He cared for Rainbow, more than he had ever remembered caring for any other pony that wasn't a part of his immediate family. He'd even been thinking about using the 'L' word to describe his feelings for her. However, the question still remained. Was it love? Or just infatuation? A simple lust that would run its course, and leave him alone again, just like the other mares he'd been with?
He couldn't be sure, but he knew he could not allow his ancestors legacy to be sold off to the highest bidder while there was still breath in his body. For all intents and purposes, he was the head of the family. Sure, Granny Smith was the elder, but she didn't really have much to do with the farm in her old age. She mostly cooked and looked after Applebloom when he or AJ weren't around.
Mac noticed the moon was out during the daytime, wondering why Princess Luna would allow such a seemingly odd occurrence when he got an idea. Equestria was the richest nation in the known world! Surely the princesses would be able to loan his family the money to hire extra hooves to remove the dead trees and ease some of the burden on himself and his sister! After all, she was one of the Elements of Harmony, and had saved the kingdom more times than he could remember.
Surely they'd be sympathetic to his plight?
That settles it, he thought, heading inside as the smell of Granny Smith's dinner beckoned him. He'd have to run it by AJ first, but he didn't see why she'd have any reason not to want to save the farm.
At the table, after they thanked Celestia for their meal, a knock at the door caused Mac to excuse himself.
"Howdy, Rainbow." He smiled, noting she seemed to be in a much better (and stable) mood.
"Hey, Mac, I haven't really had a chance to get to the store since tryouts and all, so I thought I'd take you up on your dinner offer. I'm not too late am I?" she asked hopefully.
"Not at all, we just sat down," he added, inviting her in as she greeted the rest of the Apple clan.
Applejack got up and hugged her friend, eager to hear how her tryouts had gone as Mac fixed her a plate from in the kitchen.
"How d'ya think you did?" AJ asked, sipping her Applewine while Rainbow debated bringing up her new rival.
"I think I did pretty good. There were five of us, and they can only accept two girls, so, hooves crossed," Rainbow answered hopefully.
"Those are pretty good odds, especially for a great flier like you, Rainbow!" Applebloom added happily.
"Thanks kid, how's Scootaloo doing?" Dash asked, seemingly out of nowhere, drawing Mac's attention as he returned with her plate.
"Uhm... she's fine. She likes ta crusade with us a lot more than usual though, it's like she don't want ta go home or somethin'," she responded innocently, as Mac and Rainbow exchanged nervous glances.
Mac sat down next to Rainbow as they began eating, before she nudged his leg beneath the table. She leaned in and whispered to him, while appearing to reach for the napkin she had dropped.
"Is your machete still in the barn?"
I'm sorry this was late, I had a bit of a miscommunication between my pre-reader and I. I thought I'd sent him this chapter, and it turns out I didn't. Anyway, if you're in the mood for a tragedy with what I've been told is a great ending, perhaps you'd like to give this oneshot I wrote a read? Eternal Lament.
FIRST
...
She's totally preggers.
864406 eeyup
No Mac. You and rainbow were meant to be. Rainbowmac is the best ship. One of the only ones that would ACTUALLY work.
864406
I was wondering before, but this chapter confirms it. Unless author
864499Well, think about it. Every single one of thier traits is exactly opposite the other's, which makes for a good relationship (most of the time. Me an Kayla did NOT work)
Anyways, they just fit together. Just think, them together just seems so perfect. Red and blue, strong vs menueverable, quiet vs self-righteous loudmouth.
They compensate for each other's weaknesses.
Then again, by this logic, Granny Smith and Rarity should date.
Never mind!
I really enjoyed the Twilight bits in this chapter, she's very easy to connect with and I actually found myself rooting for her for a minute. The hormone-fueled mood swings are a nice bit of foreshadowing for where I think this is going. All in all a great chapter.
For a moment I thought the whole Twilight thing felt rushed. But, after a moments thought, I like it. It is good to read a story where the adults actually talk it out, show a little bit of reasoning skill, and realize the truth in a timely manner. Although I would have appreciated a scene with Fluttershy and Rainbow interacting, showing that part onscreen, I thought the resolution was a breath of fresh air.
Keep 'em comin'
If you you're having bit problems I feel bad for you Mac, you got 99 problems and a foal is one.
I am SO SORRY for that.
NOOOOO RD is pregnant?!?! WHY?!?!
Seriously, an athlete being pregnant? Is the worst possible thing.
I'd say I'm surprised...but that'd be an outright lie
I knew from reading the description of this story it was going to happen...damned my uncanny ability to read too far into things
I'm surprised her mother didn't pick upon it though...there's usually an intuition involving these kinds of things
Strange food cravings? Doesn't take a genius to work out the implications.
But... That's not gonna be good for her in the tryouts and probably the reason she wasn't performing at her peak to begin with.
I am excited to see where this goes. Dash being preggers could also explain why she was going slower during flight tryouts. Just a thought.
Sooo... I'm thinking Rainbow gets in with Firefly, they all terrible to each other, and Rainbow gives up her dreams for her foal.
Oh Celestia...... Rainbow with a machete. This can't be good.
864406 I totally predicted this way back near the beginning. Like, after their first time.
Now how can this get any worse?
864406
What?! Naah, it couldn't be!
864670 She's hungry and feels like trying something new? If I was pregnant every time I got a bizzare food Craving, I'd be swimming in babies. Dittto Moodswings. Maybe the Author is Telegraphing Pregnancy only to throw the Curveball at the last Second that actually, she's Gone a bit Bonkers from all the stress. My money is on pregnancy though
I was honestly expecting there to be more "complications" between Rainbow, Big Mac, and Twilight. That entire issue really just seemed to solve itself. Oh well.
And the thought plickens yet again.
Hell, I'm just surprised I didn't figure it out until her strange cravings started coming up.
"I've been all over the place lately...one second I'm pissed off for no reason, and the next minute I'm crying like a school filly."
Her stomach began to rumble as she felt the overwhelming urge to eat the odd combination of a dandelion sandwich and some ice cream.
What color will their baby be...?
They're gonna cut off Scoot's dad's legs?
DO IT SLOWLY!
I think the author is trying to toy with us.
Don't ask me how or why I think this, I just do. lol
But anyway! This story just keeps getting better but even more complicated as we go! Can't wait do see what happens next!
Well, actually I can wait. but I just dont want to. pfff
My bet is that the author is throwing all these obvious pregnancy side effects at us just so they can throw a curve ball down the line.
864459
If Rainbow isn't pregnant, that is one hell of a stomach virus... Imagine it getting out into the general population. All the Stallions thinking they are pregnant...
ermagerd an update
Both excited and apprehensive about where this chapter's leading the story. Please let there be a happy ending eventually.
I called the pregnant thing back when this fic was only being planned!
Nice chapter by the way. Big Mac attracts all the mares.
864406
As soon as she started being sick, I knew it.
This...is gonna complicate matters.
Good chap. I eagerly await for more!
Ya know, I've actually been through heavy stress, and I'll tell you what:
It gives you the shakes, the shivers, and the heaves
It'll make you ride an emotional roller coaster
And I swear to god, sometimes you'll end up craving the weirdest things.
And thus is the stories of my first REAL final exams.
Either she is pregnant or we are totally being trolled. It's probably worth noting that the name of the chapter is "It Ain't What It Looks Like!"...
It'll be interesting to see how this interacts with whether or not she got into the Wonderbolts.
864406
No doubt about it.
-Delta-
Oh, poop. I really hope Dash isn't pregnant, as that would totally ruin her shot with the Wonderbolts. I think that would just add too many layers to the conflict already going on (Has she been accepted into the wonderbolts? If she does get accepted, she'll have to learn to get along with Firefly. She also has trust issues to sort out with Big Mac, and both Fluttershy and Twilight are pining after him. Plus his farm is heading towards the crapper... maybe Firelfy gave her a fake pregnancy potion so she won't accept her position if its offered? Yeah, I'm grasping at straws ) Anywho, the plot thickens! Can't wait to find out what happens next
Morning Sickness? Mood Swings?
...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1aquipEg91r2ekwko12_r1_250.gif
Why does it feel like every chapter solves one problem and brings two more?
865973 Because ponies.
mood swings? food cravings? vomiting?. I only know one thing it could be.
I can only imagine what Rainbow Dash will do.
Bronius Maximus, you magnificent scunner! A new chapter (after AGES!!!!!! But prereader thing, fair enough) and now it certainly appears you were lying about Dash not being preggers.
I WANT MOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!
sooo here's the 100,000 bit question will she keep the foal or lose the ONE chance to be a wonderbolt????? only fate will decide..... ah fuck who am i kidding the author will decide
866295
So it could be pregnancy, or it couldn't... interesting.
Plus the whole ordeal with Twilight that we have now, this story gets better and better with each passing chapter!
While I love this story as a whole, I'm kinda disappointed with this chapter, honestly. Seems a lot worse-edited than previous chapters, with a lot of telling rather than showing.
One of the worst offenders: "While visiting Fluttershy, she tipped her off to what Mac had been up to while she'd been gone."--that's a sentence that's hard to parse, and can just be cut entirely. You could just have Dash show up and say, "Fluttershy told me where you've been, you two-timer!"--that cuts through a lot of the fat and gets to the drama.
Two other things bothered me: the pregnancy hints/red herrings and the locket inscription. Pregnancy is such a tired trope, and even the scare isn't really interesting. Mac knows the facts of life, I can't see him as failing to take the relevant precautions--and if it is just teasing, it's not adding anything to the story.
The locket, on the other hand, is a more serious fumble. This is a message from her late father; something that could have a huge dramatic impact on the story when she needs it most. Using a Chekov's Gun like that to solve a simple misunderstanding irks me; it should be so much more powerful than that.
Don't take these the wrong way, I'm not thumbs-downing it or unfavoriting or anything. The story has a ton of potential, and I know you're a talented writer from the previous chapters and your other stories. This was just not your best work. Hope to see more from you, and despite the criticism, thanks very much for writing.
866841 Ummm.... do you mean Will she keep the foal or will she persue her dream of being a wonderbolt?
867081
yep
867058 I both want and need criticism, so thank you for expressing your concerns! That would have been a better way to phrase RD's suspicions, certainly. And the locket thing, I wanted to use while the tryouts were still happening, but I didn't just want Mac to just give it to her out of the blue, I kind of wanted it to resolve something. Though it is a tired premise, I will go on record as saying that YES, DASH IS PREGNANT. I hate lying to my readers, so I figure I'll just come out with it. I think it was pretty obvious anyway.
Thanks again for the critique, and I'm actually using new editors right now, as my usual one is out of the country. It'll take some time for me to sync up with them writing wise, so there may be a few missteps my other pre-reader would have caught in the coming chapters. Other than that, I appreciate the honesty!
I also think she's pregnant. Can't wait to see if I'm right or made an ass out of myself for saying so.
867107 nope, your're right. she's preggers.
865386 she's pregnant. sorry for misleading y'all, but I didn't want to give that development away earlier in the story.
867104 ok cause it sounded like a one sided desicion or basicly how she would look at having a child.
865578
How is this any closer to canon than stories with gay pairings in them?
This story and its prequel are really breaking ground for MacDash, and you should be proud. I did spot on error, though:
After a few dry heaves, her stomach spasms calmed down, and she removed her head from above the fowl smelling receptacle. She spit a few times into the trash can before her mother gave her a glass of water to rinse her mouth out. She lifted her prismatic mane, putting a motherly hoof on her daughter's forehead.
This is an incomplete PoV transition--you never specify when the transition is made from Rainbow to her mom, so even with the "motherly hoof" descriptor it sounds like RD is feeling her own forehead.
She's preggers! I'm so clever. a.deviantart.net/avatars/c/h/cheerileeplz.png?1
:Actually reads comments: