• Published 12th Aug 2012
  • 1,291 Views, 53 Comments

Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville - Doobie

Two stoners named Wesley and Matt and transported to Equestria and turned into ponies.

  • ...

Fast Food

The three wandered around Ponyville for a few hours before they decided to stop off at the market to barter for some cheap defenceless animals to butcher. Matt approached a local farmer and asked to purchase one of his pigs.

“That’ll be 4 bits baby, YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?” Said the farmer, leaning forward to collect his payment.

“I don’t have any money.” Matt answered in a dumbfounded trance.

“No money, no sale.” The farmer grunted, his mood suddenly changed.

“Come on man, I need this pig yo.” Matt begged.

“You don’t look like a farmer to me, why do you want this pig so badly?”

“He just looks so delicious.” Matt replied, licking his lips.

Doobie and Spike were enjoying a merry stroll through the park when the clouds above them suddenly changed to a dark gray. A thunderous clap roared from the sky as a bolt of lightning passed through and lit up Doobie’s skeletal system, causing him to fall to the ground. Matt came running, having two hoof marks printed on his flank where the farmer bucked him.

“Yo Doobie... You alright?” Spike asked, careful not to touch him.

“DO I FUCKIN’ LOOK ALRIGHT, YOU DUMB BAG OF DICKS?” Doobie hollered. “ That fucking rainbow cunt zapped me!”

“You mean Rainbow dash? What makes you think it was her fault?” Matt asked

Doobie pointed towards a rainbow maned mare sat on a cloud, laughing her flank off.

“The crazy cunt’s right over there, she’s fucking laughing at me.”

“Urgh, I’ll handle this.” Matt sighed, grabbing Spike by the face.

He placed one of his hooves around Spike’s throat and the other he used to grasp his tail. Using Spike as a self propelled sling similar to a rubber band, he fired him up into the clouds. A loud thud was heard, followed by two bodies crashing down to the ground beside Matt. Spike was undamaged as his scales made him near-indestructible, but Rainbow wasn’t so lucky. Having one of her wings twisted and various bumps and bruises littered around her body, she wasn’t going anywhere fast.

“I think we can safely say,” Matt grinned, Putting on some sunglasses he brought from the market and stepping on Rainbow’s only functioning wing.

“You’re grounded”

“Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!” Doobie shouted, partially recovering from what could have been permanent paralysis.

“That... Was just awful.” Rainbow dash muttered, Pretending not to be in too much pain.

“Hey uhh, Doobie.” Matt whispered, leaning toward his friend.


“Seeming as we’ve umm... Already caused a few ‘accidents’ lately, what if something bad were to happen to the rainbow cunt?”

“Oh, I get ya. It’d be a shame if she were to be brutally raped by her own wings then forced to cut off her own head with a rusty spoon.” Doobie replied, winking with both eyes.

“Um... I doubt the feds would consider that to be an accident, I was thinking more along the lines of trapping her in the library and forcing her to give us piggy back rides.”

“Oh, I guess that’s a good idea. But won’t she tell other ponies when we let her go?”

“Meh, we’ll probably end up hospitalising her by accident somehow.”


“Say, er... Rainbow dash is it? I’m awful sorry about this terrible accident, I was just slinging my dragon around minding my own business when he slipped from my hooves and just so happened to knock you down from your perch upon that there cloud.” Matt spoke, making eye contact with Dash.

“If it was an accident, what are you standing on my wing?” She asked, attempting to wriggle free.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.” Matt said as he twisted his hoof a bit before lifting it up.

Rainbow got up and nursed her twisted wing, seeing if there was any serious damage.

“Would you like us to help you get home?” Doobie offered, standing next to Rainbow Dash.

“Well, sure I guess... It looks like my wing with be out of action for a few hours.” Rainbow said, starting to walk in the direction of her cloud house.

Doobie, Magic Matt and Spike followed her to her house, trying their best to make conversation.

“So, Rainbow Bill, what’s it like clearing clouds?”


“Who’s Dashing?”


“No, you’re walking.”

“My name is Dash.”

“No it’s not, it’s Rainbow Bill.”

“Rainbow DASH!”

“Oh, why didn’t you say so?”

“I did.”

“Anyway, how far is it to your house?”

“About ten minutes.”

Doobie, Matt, Spike and Rainbow Dash were walking past a lake when Rainbow straightened out her wing and started flapping it experimentally. She then flapped the other wing and lifted off of the ground, slightly shakily.

“Well, it looks I’m alright to fly now. Thanks fellas.” Rainbow said before starting to fly away.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished talking to you, you slippery cunt!” Matt shouted, shaking his hoof.

“Well you were boring anyway, that’s not my fault!” Rainbow yelled back, starting to speed off.

Matt looked around for something to throw and found a rock about the size of his head. With great effort he hauled it up, spun around barely hanging onto it and let it go. The rock sailed through the air and hit rainbow dash on the rump, making a sickening crack sound.

Rainbow Dash screamed and fell down into the lake, her back legs limp. She flailed about in the water for a moment and then started to sink until all the guys could see was bubbles.

Doobie dived into the lake and tried to save Rainbow Dash before realising he couldn’t swim. He then sunk just as she had. Matt then followed suit and went under the water, looking for Doobie and Rainbow Dash. He swam around the lake for a few seconds before spotting Doobie flailing around in the water like some retarded squid.

The surface of the water broke and Matt, holding onto a still screaming Doobie paddled to the edge of the lake where Spike grabbed Doobie’s legs and dragged him away from the water.

“I thought I was going to die...” Doobie gasped after spitting out a considerable amount of water, two small fish and an old boot.

Spike dived into the water to retrieve Rainbow Dash, being small and having hands meant he could swim relatively easy. He broke the surface a few moments later with an unconscious and rather dead looking Rainbow Dash in tow.

“Guys, I don’t think she’s breathing.” Spike said, dropping her onto the floor next to Doobie.

“It would help if she wasn’t fucking blue. Who the fuck does she think she is, being the same colour as you go when you’re not breathing? Stupid cunt.” Matt said, obviously angry at something that shouldn’t have made him very angry.

Doobie got up and started stomping Rainbow Dash’s chest, hoping to get the water out of her lungs. All that happened was a bunch of cracking sounds and blood coming out of Rainbow’s nose.

Spike tried to give rainbow CPR but only ended up breathing fire into her mouth and burning most of her tongue off.

Now it was Matt’s turn to try. He reached into his mane and took out his flick knife. After a minute fiddling with it he got it open and plunged it right into Rainbow’s windpipe. After he had taken it out water started spurting out of the hole like a little fountain. Doobie pressed down on her lungs, which doing so now sounded like crunching a packet of crisps because of all the rib fragments, and more water came of of Rainbow’s neck hole.

After a while the water stopped and she took a deep breath through the hole in her neck. She was breathing again at least, which meant Doobie and Matt had nothing more to do with it. They started to walk away and Spike soon followed.

The two stallions and the baby dragon were walking down the path going back to the ponyville marketplace, they didn’t have any money but they were hungry and in the name of glorious satan they were going to get some.

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