Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville

by Doobie

The foolproof plan

After the three mindless idiots arrived back at the library Magic Matt hurried the blood covered chicken chunks into the kitchen and began to prepare them for consumption. Having no knowledge of cooking other than knowing how to open and close the microwave, Magic Matt searched around for a cook book.

After looking through numerous drawers and cupboards he came across a rather large book covered in chains. Atop of the book lay a small note that read “Do not open unless it’s an emergency” Magic Matt thought to himself for a moment “Why would Twilight want to keep her cookbook away from the public...? And plus, this is an emergency. My tummy has the rumblies.”

Casting aside the fact that It might not actually be a cookbook, Magic Matt reached back into his mane and took his cleaver out. After a few minutes of mindlessly hacking away at the chains, they finally broke allowing him to peek inside.

Magic Matt strolled out of the kitchen wearing the full elements of harmony set. In his mind, he was the prettiest pony in all of Equestria. Spike wasn’t too fussed, Twilight wasn’t planning on using them any time soon.

“Check out my swag, Doobie” He hollered to the other non-fashionable idiots.

“Geez baby, you sure do look fine tonight.” Doobie said “Now get back in the kitchen. Bitch.”

Magic Matt wiped his stupid grin off of his ugly mug and headed back to the kitchen. It was a nightmare, but after a short while the chicken dippers were ready. If Twilight saw the state of the kitchen she’d holler them into next week.

As Magic Matt and Doobie were enjoying eating the freshly cooked and correctly shaped chicken dippers. Matt remembered that he’d seen some tomato ketchup while in Twilight’s kitchen. After relocating the sauce, Matt Dolloped at fat wad of it all over the well cooked dippers.

“Mmmm.... That’s some good chicken.” Magic Matt drooled, getting sauce and saliva all over the precious elements.

“Yeah it is, chrispy too.” Doobie added, munching away on the delightful chicken.

Spike sat in the corner eyeing his plate of chicken dippers, thinking about whether or whether not what he had done was wrong, and that his actions he would be forever labeled ‘A bad dragon’.

“Guys,” Spike asked. “am I a bad dragon?”

Magic Matt was too busy to answer due to his non stop or as Doobie would put it ‘merciless’ Consumption of chicken.

Taking his time to answer, Doobie walked over to Spike, ruffled his spines and said “Of course you are spikey, you’re the baddest of the bad!”

“He’s badass!” Magic Matt mumbled through a mountain of food

Spikes little heart sunk as he fell back down onto his chair beside his plate.

“I’m a... Bad dragon.” Spike said, disappointed in himself.

Spike hung his head in shame and began to eat his dippers, but soon after the first tomato ketchup covered dipped landed on his tongue he arose from his seat of shame as his eyes lit up, for he had discovered a whole new level of motivation.

“These dippers... They’re fantastic!” Spike announced to the other chicken dipper lovers.

“No shit. You think this is good? Maybe sometime we should go back to Fluttershy’s cottage and murder us some pigs and cows.” Doobie replied, drooling over Spike a little.

“You know what?” Magic Matt interrupted “I wonder what pony tastes like.”

Spike gasped. “We can’t kill a pony! That’s taking it too far!”

“Spike’s right, we must kill somepony” Doobie added

“That’s not what I-” Spike started, before having his mouth covered by Matt’s hoof.

“That settles it, whom shall we kill?”

“Who is your least favorite pony Magic Matt?” Doobie asked

“Hmmm...” Matt thought “If we kill Fluttershy, there’ll be nopony to stop us from turning her farm into an abattoir.”

“Genius!” Doobie shouted, giving Magic Matt a standing ovation. Spike a little less eager, but still up for it. At this point he’d given up on being a good dragon.

“Hang on, do you think Fluttershy may be a little paranoid about protecting her animals now?” Spike questioned “Seeming as you guys did ask her for some chickens, I doubt she’ll let you anywhere near the cottage ever again. I wouldn’t put it past her to suspect us.”

This was a problem for the three, getting into Fluttershy’s garden had became a problem due to their previous actions. Thinking to himself for a brief moment, Matt was piecing together a plan to deal with this situation.

“I’ve got it!” Matt shrieked “Firstly we rob carousel boutique and get some nifty disguises, then we casually stroll into Fluttershy's cottage claiming to be the R.S.P.C.A animal protection service.”

“Good good, I like this idea.” Doobie added

“Then, when her back is turned...”

“Yes?” Spike said, leaning forward in anticipation.

“We tear her limb from limb!” Matt finished, grinning rather manically.

The other two stood still for a brief moment before Doobie muttered “Sounds like a plan. Spike.... Grab the shovel.”

*****************************

“Shh, asshole.” Matt whispered “Do you know what will happen if we get caught?”

“Well... No... Do you?” Doobie replied, ducking down outside the front door of the boutique.

“They’ll find a way to pin those that chicken massacre on us, then throw us in the slammer.”

“I’ve heard stories about pony prison...” Muttered Spike

“Shh, never mind that. We can save story time for another day.” Matt quietly murmured. “Fingers, get the door.”
Spike did as he was told, using the shovel to prise the door off it’s hinges. As soon as the gap in the door was large enough, Matt burst into the boutique, scanning for innocent life forms. He spotted Rarity hiding behind a bunker of fabric.

“Fingers, take out Rarity!” Matt ordered, pointing in her general direction.

“But... That’s Rarity, I- I can’t hurt her!” Spike nervously spoke.

“Urgh, trust me Spike, knocking her out will only protect her from harm.”

“I’m sorry... I just can’t.”

“Spike! Is that you?” Rarity shouted. “Help me!”

“Spike, remember whose side you’re on.”

“B- but I love her!”

“Alright. gay...”

Doobie grabbed the shovel from spike’s claws and ran over to where rarity was, raising the shovel above his head.

“Lights out, bitch.”

Doobie brought the shovel down with an almighty force onto the wailing Rarity’s head, knocking her to the ground but not knocking her out.

“Pow! Right in the kisser” Magic Matt shouted.

“Aah, my head! Why are you doing this to me?” she sobbed.

“Just knock her out so we can get this over with!” shouted spike, cowering behind Matt.
Doobie raised the shovel again and whacked rarity on her head with a sickening crunch, but still had not knocked her out.

“Fuck, is her skull made of diamonds?” said Doobie astonished at Rarity’s ability to stay conscious.

He brought the shovel down for a third time, breaking the skin on her forehead and splattering a small amount of blood onto the carpet. Her eyes were facing different ways and she was gurgling something unintelligible. Doobie decided he had had enough and started to stomp her face a few times until it resembled a blood covered potato.

“Well... She’s down for the count.” said Doobie, not sure if he had incapacitated her or killed her.

“Let’s just get the costumes and go, I think I’m gonna be sick!” Spike hollered, his face turning green.

They searched the place for disguises they could use, after five minutes spike was wearing an adorable pirate outfit, Matt had gone all out and made himself wizard’s robes, complete with a hat and Doobie was wearing a plastic plate on his face with a picture of Big Macintosh on it.

Matt and spike stared at Doobie for a few seconds before realising it wasn’t actually Big Mac, but in fact a very convincing disguise.

“Rarity? Is that you?” Said a quiet voice coming from upstairs.

“It’s alright, I got this.” Magic Matt whispered, walking up the flight of stairs.

Spike and Doobie where admiring themselves in a full length mirror when they heard muffled screaming and crashes from upstairs, but ignored it due to being too amazed by their own disguises.

Matt came down the stairs a few moments later, his hooves red and sticky, chewing something.

“What do you have there, Matt?” inquired Doobie, wondering what Matt could be chewing. It sounded crunchy.

“Unicorn horn.” Matt munched, spitting out a few white bone-like fragments onto the carpet.

“...Wow.” said Spike, impressed and disgusted at the same time.

“Alright boys, I think we’re ready. Let’s go back to the cottage.” Said Matt, after absorbing sweetie bell’s crunchy powers.

The two ponies and the baby dragon walked out of the from door and started down the path that lead to fluttershy’s cottage, the sun was just beginning to rise.

Comments

[Ultimaraven]

AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA.... thats just... ive got no words of thankfulness (seems legit) to those 3 for finally doing something i wanted to do for a long time. RARITY AND HER BITCHY SIS ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!

[Foalicon_]

Rarity and Fluttershy are my least favorite ponies mainly because I find them weak. Mess with Pinkie Pie it's on e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_bronymaster1.png