• Published 12th Aug 2012
  • 1,290 Views, 53 Comments

Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville - Doobie



Two stoners named Wesley and Matt and transported to Equestria and turned into ponies.

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Magic Schmagic

Doobie’s head was heavy. Knees weak, hooves were sweaty. It was coming out of his mouth already, stomach spaghetti.

As Doobie vomited onto the path Matt and Spike sat and watched as he retched and heaved the sandwiches from earlier onto the hot dusty road that led to Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack was walking down the path to the marketplace to sell her appletastic treats when she came across the puking pony and his two friends, one of which she recognised.

“Spike? Who are these fellas? And why is the green and purple one vomiting all over my path?” The orange mare asked.

“Why do you sound like a fucking hick?” Matt said.

“A whatting what? Y’all use some fancy words there, partner. Is he gonna be okay?” Applejack said as she gestured to the pony voiding his insides all over the path.

“He’ll be fine, he just ate a few bad sandwiches.” Spike said.

“What are you doing with these guys, Spike? I’ve never seen ‘em before...” Applejack said, looking at Matt suspiciously as he stood near spike.

“Don’t worry Applejack, these two are pretty cool. I met them when a manticore chased them into the library and mauled twilight. They’re looking after me until she recovers.” Spike said, trying to reassure her.

“Y- yeah, Applesnack, we’re cool as cucumbers!” Doobie said, who had finally finished blowing chunks.

“Hmm. Well, if you say they’re good ponies then I believe you Spike. Awful business with Twilight gettin’ mauled, I heard about it yesterday. Anyway, you say y’all comin’ up to the farm? Well I was headin’ into the market but I could take ya up there if ya want.” Applejack said, smiling.

“No chance in Hel- actually, that would be wonderful! Let’s go!” Matt said, cooking up a plan in his head.

They all started walking back up the path, Doobie making sure to steer clear of the contents of his stomach.

------------

After a brief journey up the path the four arrived at Sweet apple acres. Matt and Doobie began complaining about the overwhelming stench of shit among other things. Big Macintosh came out of one of the barns and started heading for a group of apple trees.
Applejack trotted ahead of the three guys, leading the way.

“All that walking... For this? I promised myself I’ll never go to a farm ever again after what happened last time.” Matt commented, rambling on about some sort of cow conspiracy theory that caused the farmers to send him home.

“Yeah, I bet those farmers are in some kind of cow-run concentration camp or something.” Doobie added, His coat was stained by his stomach previous contents, causing him to carry the smell of sick around with him. “Meh, at least it covers the smell of shit.” Matt thought to himself. Doobie didn’t seem to notice.

The three caught up with Applejack a few moments later, she was whispering something to Big Macintosh. Big Mac was pulling a cart full of apples, he moved as if it was as light as packet of Rari- Marshmallows.

“Fellas, this is my brother Bi-” Applejack started, before being pushed out of the way by Doobie and Matt.

“Yo Big Mac, what’s up mang? What’s it like being named after a tasty burger?” Doobie asked, Eager to make Big Mac actually say something.

“...”

“Well, Big Mac better get back to working the farm.” Applejack said, pointing Big Mac towards some apple trees.

“No you fucking don’t, you’re gonna answer my questions Mac!” Matt shouted, even though he wasn’t the one who asked any questions.

“Uh... Why is the gray one wearing a wizard hat? Big Mac asked.

“Because his name is Magic Matt, he’s very good at magic apparently.” Spike answered.

“The best there is! Gimme a brohoof, ma nigga.” Matt said, extending his hoof towards Big Mac.

Big Mac looked confused for a second, turned around and headed for the apple trees mumbling to himself.

“What a fat cunt.” Matt said, having been left hanging.

“Anyway, how about I show y’all around?” Applejack suggested.

“Doobie and Matt would love to!” Spike hastily said before Matt could say something insulting or Doobie could somehow disgust everyone in the direct vicinity even more.

Applejack lead the three mentally deficient stoners around the farm. Time dragged on for what felt like several hours (in reality four minutes) as Applejack wouldn’t fuck off spouting some tour guide shit. As if they gave a fuck about her smelly-ass farm, or her stupid hick family. They just kept on nodding their heads every time she decided to stop for a few minutes and start yackin’. The only time she finally shut up was when the so call ‘tour’ was over.

“Well Applejack, you sure do know how to be a boring sack of shit. Where the fuck are we now?” Matt grunted, looking at pretty pissed off Applejack.

“Wah- Weren't y'all listening to my tour?” She asked, disappointed that she didn’t get a positive reaction to her life’s work.

“Me and Matt are about to slip into a fucking coma.” Doobie said.

“Well why didn’t you say somethin’ before? I would have understood if ya found the tour boring and wanted to stop but we wasted my valuable time for nothin’!” Applejack said angrily.

“It is YOU who has wasted our much more valuable time, I demand an apology!” Matt shouted, His hat was sliding down his face but he didn’t seem to give a fuck.

“I- what? Get off my farm, y'hear?” She angrily demanded, shaking a hoof at Matt.

“Quick Matt, time for plan B!” Doobie yelled, standing back and shielding his eyes, Spike followed suit.

“I’ll give you five seconds to apologize and provide a present before I blow your flank to kingdom come! 4, 3...” Matt shouted, his horn glowing as his body began to raise from the dusty trail. His horn began to shine with a blinding light, as it did with Trixie.

If it was possible Applejack would be shitting bricks, Matt really did look powerful. She stuttered, trying to find the right words. She opened her mouth but the spaghetti wouldn’t come out.

“She’s chokin’ now.” Doobie said.

“The clocks run out, dinner is over, POW!” Matt shouted, charging his magical blast.

Applejack regained her composure, on the surface she looked calm and ready to fight but she keep on freezing. She raised her head and made eye contact with Matt. Shaking a little she found the right words.

“Magic Matt.... I’m so terribly sorry for wasting your precious time with my horrible tour.”

“And my present?” Matt asked, still ready to beam down his death ray at any moment.

“Oh, uhhh... Would you care for some, uh... Apples?”
“Apples? APPLES? Do I look like some kind of fruity faggot to you!?” Matt asked in a thunderous voice.

“Uhh.. N- no.” Applejack mumbled, shying away in a typical Fluttershy fashion.

“Then why you tryin’ to fuck him like one?” Doobie shouted, he and Spike had been so bored by the shitty tour that they felt she deserved to die.

Lightning erupted from Matt’s horn, forming a beam of almost certain death about to strike Applejack.

“B- back away, Y’hear? I don’t want no trouble!” Applejack cried, knowing she was about to be blasted with the thunderous fury of a powerful wizard.

She finally somewhat recovered and could move now, she decided the best thing to do was make like a banana and split. She turned around and bolted for the nearest barn.

Matt took Applejack’s attempt to flee as an insult and flew over to the space between her and the barn door.

“You DARE try to flee the POWER of MAGICAL MATT? Your insolence will not be tolerated!” Matt thundered, his lightning bolt dangerously on the verge of becoming overwhelming.

“J- just let me go! I don’t wanna fight you, just let me pass, please!” Applejack said, such a tough pony on the verge of tears.

“...Pass?” Matt repeated. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” He screamed as he released the bolt of deadly energy straight into Applejack’s body.

Applejack let out an ear piercing scream and collapsed to the floor, twitching and jerking. She lay there for a few seconds violently convulsing until a loud “pop” could be heard and she went limp, eyes rolling back and blood coming out of her nose.

“Dude! That was some cool-ass shit!” Doobie yelled as Matt fell down from where he was floating onto his ass.

Doobie trotted over to Applejack with spike in tow and examined her medium rare remains.

“Dude, I think you exploded her heart or something.”

“Man, I’m pooped. That sure took a lot of effort.” Matt said, standing up uncertainly.

“What about Big Mac?” Spike asked

“Meh, I guess we can kill him if you want.” Matt replied

“No, what I mean is, what are we going to do when he finds her corpse?” Spike corrected.

“Ahh fackin’ell, that big cunt will beat the shit outta us.” Doobie gasped, spewing spaghetti all over his chin.

“Wait... If magic killed her...” Matt began. “Than maybe... Magic can un-kill her.”

“Hmm...” Doobie said, rubbing his manly chin.

“How about we take her back to the library and see if there are any books on necromancy?” He suggested.

“Sounds like a plan, you crazy cunt.” Matt said.

Doobie grabbed Applejack’s tail in his mouth and started to unceremoniously drag her along the path.


A note from the authors:
Sorry for the huge delay, guys. We'd like to say we were unable to continue the story because of some shit happening, but it was just a case of acute lazyitus and Doobie watching this and laughing his ass off a million motherfucking times.. Anyways, here's the new chapter you crazy cunts. Stay beautiful.
-Doobie and Magic Matt

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