Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville

by Doobie

Premature Magiculation

Doobie, Matt and Spike arrived at the marketplace with empty stomachs and no cash.

Doobie walked up to the nearest food stand which was selling banana and cucumber sandwiches. That would have to do.

Matt and spike snuck their fat asses around the stall while Doobie distracted the mare selling the food by making small talk.

“...so. Did you see the new batman movie?” Doobie asked, nervous and sweating profusely after only a few seconds.

“The new what?” the mare asked, looking confused.

“Y- you too...” Doobie stammered, wiping the perspiration from his forehead.

“I don’t... What?” The mare said, now looking rather scared.

“B- bag that shit up.” Doobie said, grabbing a sandwich in his slippery hooves and shoving it into the mare’s face.

Matt and Spike who had now snagged a few sandwiches both respectively facepalmed/hooved at Doobie’s ridiculous display of interaction.

“Just, go away, please. It’s on the house. Just please go.” the mare said, wanting to get rid of the repulsive sweaty stallion.

“B- back that shit up, there’s no house here! This is a sandwich stall, you’re trying to trick me!” Doobie said, panicking because of the immense social strain.

“What? No, it means it’s free!” the mare nearly shat himself in anger shouted, just wanting the awful stallion to just go away.

“I- I don’t need your charity! What are you, some kind of cucumber?” yelled Doobie, not thinking straight.

People were now turning their heads in the direction of the pathetic display while Matt and Spike were sitting on a rock ten meters away looking and laughing.

Doobie had had enough interaction for the day and decided to bolt from the stall, much to the relief of the mare running it. With a soggy sandwich in his mouth he ran toward Matt and Spike, who were gobbling a mountain of them.

“Woah, that’s a big pile of sandwiches, what’s in ‘em?” Doobie questioned the others, regarding the sandwich situation.

“Cheese and cucumber.” Matt replied, scoffing all of the sandwiches that didn’t include butter.

“Hey uhhh... What’s the matter with you?” Doobie started. “Only retards don’t like butter on their sandwiches.”

“I fucking hate butter, It tastes like shit.” Matt replied, throwing Doobie a sandwich to destroy.

“Fuck you, man. How can you not like butter in your sandwiches?” Doobie demanded.

“Does it really matter, guys?” Spike said after swallowing a bite of delicious bread and banana.

“YES!” they both yelled in unison.

Before the two fucks could keep on arguing, Spike pointed toward a crowd of ponies who had gathered near the center of the market.

“What’s going on over there?” Spike said.

“I don’t know, let’s go find out!” hollered Matt as he stuffed the last of the sandwiches down his gullet and sprinted off.

Doobie caught up to him as he was barging through the crowd, Spike riding on Doobie’s back.

“Come one, come all! See the all powerful TRIXIE!”

“Oh, fuck. It’s her.” Doobie said.

Matt had now pushed his way through the crowd and was standing next to Doobie and Spike.

“First, to show how amazing the great and powerful trixie is, she will challenge these two stallions in a magical contest!” Trixie declared, pointing to the two stallions nearest to her. one tall gray unicorn with a vacant expression by the name of Magic Matt and one shorter green and purple unicorn with a dragon on his back she recognised as Twilight Sparkle’s pet.

“Why do you two buffoons have Twilight Sparkle’s pet?” Trixie asked.

“She got fucked up by a manticore or some shit.” Doobie said nonchalantly.

“Whatever. You two, get up here so that the great and powerful Trixie can show how amazing her magical skills are!” she declared, standing on her hind legs and letting off a few fireworks.

Doobie, Magic Matt and Spike stumbled onto the stage and looked at Trixie for a while until she spoke again.

“I, the great and powerful-”

“Cram a horn in it you showboating cuntbag. This is a Magic contest, right?” Doobie said, tired of the cuntbag’s loud voice and annoying tone.

“Well, yes. You two will face off against me and whoever can create the superior spell will be the victor.” Trixie declared.

“Yo, Doobie, what’s she yackin’ about?” Matt said, not listening.

“I dunno but her voice is pissing me off. Something about magic.”

“But we haven’t used magic. We don’t know how.”

“Ha! You two buffoons have NEVER used magic before? You call yourselves unicorns? This contest should be easy then.” Trixie said, as she started to do a spell. A coil of rope snaked up from the ground and whipped across the stage, going just far enough to crack on Doobie’s nose.

“Ah, you fucking stupid thundercunt! What the fuck do you think you’re doing? I’m gonna fucking kill you!” Doobie said, his poor nose turning a little red.

Before he could charge at Trixie Matt grabbed Doobie’s tail and stopped him from going very far.

“Dude, this is our chance to see how good we are at magic. Trixie fucking hates losing so this will be great!” Matt said after spitting out Doobie’s tail.

“You’re right, Matt ol’ buddy ol’ pal! Let’s take this honkey to school.” Doobie said, attempting to ready a spell.

He closed his eyes tight and concentrated, by doing so it looked like he was trying to squeeze out a turd. Tiny sparks started to come out of his horn, followed by his horn lighting up with a faint green glow similar to a cheap light bulb. It then began to brighten and flicker like a respectable energy saving light bulb.

Doobie’s horn was now glowing like a regular unicorn’s horn. Sparks now showered out of it and the glow became brighter. A ball of light shot out of his horn and stopped a few feet away from him.

“Fuck yeah, that’s what I call fuckin’ magic!” Matt yelled.

The ball of light started to rise and also started to change shape. Five cylinders came out of it and curled around to make what looked like fingers. The ball had flattened out and the light was now in the shape of a hand. The hand hovered above Doobie for a second before it rose a little and then smashed down, pummeling Doobie into the stage and breaking the floor under him.

“Doobie? Are you okay?” Spike asked, looking worried.

“Wh- Where’s the leak, ma'am?” Doobie said, obviously dazed from head trauma.

“Holy shit, I think his spell rebounded.” Matt said, observing the pancake-like pony that was Doobie.

“Mom’s spaghetti!” doobie yelled before passing out, half in and half out of the stage floor.

Trixie stared at the two ponies who had just broken a hole into her stage.

“You ignorant buffoons! Do you have any idea how much it costed me to rebuild this stage?” Trixie raged at the two.

“Um, ten bits?” Matt asked.

Trixie grunted at Matt’s stupidity and charged her horn, ready to blast him to kingdom come.

Matt’s horn randomly started to glow causing him to float up into the air. Confused, Trixie decided to quickly dispose of the two idiots before they reveal that she was a useless attention grabbing whorebag with a fat flank.

“The great and powerful Trixie shall end you both.”

“Like fuck you will.” Matt interrupted. “Avada kedavra!”

A green spiral of pure energy shot out of Matt’s horn at the exact moment Trixie cast her spell. Both spells collided in mid air causing them to link together in a fantastic light display. Both ponies applied all of their effort into their spells, as whoever is struck by the beam will certainly be eviscerated.

With the amazing power of not giving a fuck, Matt’s side of the light stream began to engulf that of Trixie's. She became extremely nervous as the bright light came closer towards her, she barely avoided catastrophic and explosive diarrhea.

“Is this the end of The Great and Powerful Trixie?” She wailed , beginning to lose her balance.

“Fuck yeah, I’m gonna make you explode all over this stupid crowd.” Matt replied as his horn shun even brighter to deliver the final blow.

With the snap, Trixie was engulfed by Matt’s spell blasting her across the stage. Matt, still beaming his ray of death down on her, made it so she was not visible to the crowd anymore. After few more moments of turning Trixie medium rare, Matt stopped his brutal attack.

The energy stream instantly dispersed leaving nothing behind but a charred outline of a mare in a fetal position on the stage.

“It was self defence, you all saw it! She attacked me first.” Matt rambled, he had been in this position many times before, but this time he was actually telling the truth.

“This better not turn like that time I took on all those indians, I thought I was holding a camera. Next thing you know news headlines, Crazy gunman opens fire in a pre school, 13 dead.”

“F- Finland!” Doobie shouted, having regained consciousness while still in a truma induced stupor.

As Matt majestically floated down to the floor and Spike tried to pull Doobie out of the hole he was half buried in, the crowd stood in shock and awe.

“What? They don’t call me Magical Matt for nothing you four legged flabbergasted flatulent fools!” Matt rambled on. “Why, Starswirl the bearded would be shitting his jingly cape if he was in a duel with me!”

“Quit laughing at me, flying avocado!” Doobie said, his eyes facing different directions and his arms flapping around like a bird’s wings.

“Let’s go, Spike and Doobie. I feel like going for a walk.” Matt said, jumping down from the stage and walking through the still shocked crowd of ponies.

Spike dragged Doobie by the tail while he spewed nonsense to anypony who would listen.

“Fuck you, Berry Punch! and fuck your marker!” Doobie yelled, shaking his hoof at a pony with some grapes for a cutie mark.

The trio of bumbling idiots walked off along the path going up in the direction of sweet apple acres.

Comments

[E-Shadows]

Oh God, this is really shit your pants funny.