• Published 12th Aug 2012
  • 1,292 Views, 53 Comments

Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville - Doobie



Two stoners named Wesley and Matt and transported to Equestria and turned into ponies.

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Delicious and deadly

Author’s Note: This chapter took longer than expected due to Mr. Foster (Doobie) getting distracted every two fucking minutes while trying to write this, mostly by stupid youtube videos and gay porn. Not that he's writing it all, I (Magic Matt) am writing just as much as he is. Peace out.

Doobie sat up and stretched in Twilight’s bed, having just had a wonderful night’s sleep. Matt had nested in the bathtub after he and Doobie spent an hour deciding on who would get the bed with rock paper scissors, but after 45 minutes of them only being able to do rock they resorted to a good old fashioned hoof fight. Matt would have won but Doobie had smashed a potted plant onto his head and put him in the bathtub.

Doobie walked down the stairs to find spike in an adorable apron cooking some pancakes.

“Hey, do you like bananas?” said Spike, handing Doobie a plate of banana and syrup pancakes.

“Fuck yeah I like bananas. You know who else likes bananas?” Doobie snickered as he sat at the table.

Before he could say who Matt burst into the room with an obviously bent out of shape back.

“This is why I needed the bed you asshole! Now my back is fucked more than you will be in a second!”

Doobie didn’t look worried by Matt’s hilarious predicament and instead climbed up onto the table, jumped off and delivered a crushing elbow smash to Matt’s spine, putting it back into it’s original shape.

“Wow, how did you do that? I had no idea you knew anything about fixing backs.” Spike said in awe of Doobie’s display of back fixing.

“Magic.” Doobie snorted.

Matt got up from the floor and was handed a banana and syrup pancake by Spike, then got his own and sat at the table. They ate their breakfast in relative silence and Spike took the plates to the kitchen and washed them up.

Spike walked back into the room having taken off his adorable apron and sat down at the table.

“So, what are we gonna do today, fellas?” said Spike.

“Go get breakfast.” Matt suggested.

“We just ate breakfast, you crazy motherfucker.” Doobie said, slapping Matt upside his ugly head.

“But what if... we ate MORE breakfast?” Matt said as if he had just pitched the greatest idea in the history of ideas.

Doobie and Spike both looked at Matt as if he had just won the nobel prize for good ideas.

“That’s genius! And I know just where to go for more sugary treats.” said Doobie, rubbing his hooves together like some evil villain.

The three guys quickly rolled and smoked a joint before walking out of their house and heading to Sugarcube Corner.

**********


The three strolled into Sugar cube corner in a trance like state. Spike, being the only one of them sober enough, opened the door, allowing the others to follow through. Quite literally, as Matt proved.

“Guys, I got a shit covered horn coming out of my ass. I need to take a spiky shit, stat!” Matt squealed, crossing his hind legs and hobbling around in a circle looking like he was doing a cute little dance.

The other two looked at his briefly then turned their attention to the pink mare, hopping towards them rather quickly.

“Ohh, that’s a neat little dance you got there. Mind if I try it out?” Pinkie beamed, copying Matt in his struggle not to void his bowls.

“I won’t last much longer, I need to take a nasty shit right the fuck now!” Matt yelled. “Where the fuck’s the bathroom is this place?”

Pinkie pointed to the door near the counter.

“It’s in there but try not to make a mess!”

Matt sprinted into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Horrific sounds were heard from within the cubicle.

“Is he alright?” Pinkie asked.

“No I’m not fuckin’ alright! I feel like I’m shitting out a swiss army knife!” Matt hollered from inside the bathroom as the room nearly shook with the sound of the unholy beast escaping Matt’s rear end. It sounded like he’d be lucky to escape with his life.

“What has he been eating? Can’t be hay.” Pinkie asked, worrying about about their friend.

“That’s the last time he’s gonna be eating at Fluttershy’s, I can tell ya that much.” Doobie snickered “Anyway, as you probably already know, this is Spike, my name is Doobie and the guy taking a shit is called Matt.”

The bathroom door swung open. The foul stench of digested flesh whisped out, followed by the shaking stallion.

“Are you-” Pinkie stuttered.

“DO I LOOK OK?” Matt roared, mustering up all of his energy. Despite what he thought, he had none. Having not heard Matt’s pitiful attempt at shouting, Pinky assumed he was fine and handed the three some cupcakes.

“Ooh, cupcakes.” Spike said with delight upon receiving the sugary treat.

“You guys look funny, what’s up with your eyes?” Pinkie questioned
Doobie, handing him his cupcake.

Doobie didn’t answer, he just munched away at his cupcake oblivious to the question Pinkie had just asked.

“So, we were planning on coming over and making a second breakfast because we have the munchies.” said Doobie while chewing on a cupcake.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” She replied. “Make yourself at home, I’m making breakfast anyway.”

“What’s on the menu, love?” Matt said, partially recovered from his epic battle on the porcelain throne.

“Oatmeal cookies, chocolate donuts and pop tarts!” Pinkie said, trotting back into the kitchen.

Unsatisfied by the menu choice, Matt hobbled over to the kitchen to see if he could rustle up some grub. Still being high, he struggled to keep a straight path. Having barely made it to the kitchen without breaking something of value, he scanned the room for food. Being a kitchen and all, it didn’t take him long to mistake a bag of flour for a large packet of Monster Munch. Tearing away at the bag to get at it’s contents he managed to spill flour all over Pinkie, who at that moment and brandishing a tray of cookies.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Said the gray stallion, covered in a sticky mess. Having been sweating ever since he unloaded his monster shit. The sweat from his body mixed with the flour, glued itself to Matt’s body.

“I know your secret Matt.” Pinkie whispered.

“WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU?” Matt shouted, getting off his ass and matching pinkies gaze.

“I know that you’ve been itchin’ to bake some cupcakes.” She replied.

“Oh, uh... Yes, you got me. Let’s make some fucking cupcakes you crazy cunt.” Matt said, trotting towards the kitchen door, signalling for Doobie to join him.

“So, firstly we nee-”

“Ahhtatatatah” Matt interrupted. “We’re professionals, we can handle this.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” She smiled, bouncing away.

The two stoners briefly looked at the fine assortment of cooking apparatus that lay on the counter, before turning to look at the cooking instructions that lay beside them.

“Two eggs.” Matt read, itching his rump.

“Two eggs!” Doobie said as he grabbed two eggs from the fridge and threw them shell and all into the mixing bowl.

“500 grams of flour.” Matt said.

“500 grams of flour! More or less.” Doobie shouted as he scraped some hairy flour from Matt’s flank and dumped it into the bowl.

“Sugar.”

“Sugar!” Doobie shouted as he reached behind him for the sugar but instead grabbed a glass measuring cup and smashed it into the bowl.

“Eh, close enough.” Doobie said.

Matt grabbed the butter and shoved it into the mixing bowl without measuring it, then mixed in some more things he found in the trash for that extra crunch.

Doobie grabbed the mixture and poured it’s sticky contents into the moulding tray, before placing it into the oven. Neither of them set a timer for the baked abomination, but by Matt’s logic, smoke means it’s done. Opening the oven with his mouth, a gust of 200 degree air was blasted directly into Matt’s face, burning his eyebrows clean off.

“They’re done.” Matt announced, carrying the burnt mess over to the counter.

“They look nasty.” Doobie pointed out, sniffing at the tray. “Let’s test them on that pink cunt.”

“Hey pinkie, get your fat diabetic ass in here!” Matt shouted. Two seconds later Pinkie burst into the room.

“Hey guys! Finished the cupcakes?” pinkie hollered, looking excited as usual even though she was being insulted left and right by the two other ponies. Maybe she didn’t know what the words meant.

“Yeah, they’re done. And we’d like you to be the taste tester!” said Doobie, handing Pinkie Pie one of the killer cupcakes.

Pinkie immediately shoved the treat into her mouth and swallowed, looking cheerful at first. she then opened her eyes wide and began gargling and rolling around on the floor, a copious amount of blood pouring out of her mouth.

“Wow, are they that bad? I mean, it was our first time. You didn’t have to be so rude.” Matt said, on the verge of tears.

“Dude, I think she’s dying.” Doobie said, barely interested at the pink pony on the floor who was obviously in an unbearable amount of pain.

Pinkie Pie was convulsing on the kitchen floor, her hooves scratching at her belly in a desperate attempt to get the deadly treat out of her before it ripped her insides apart, but to no avail. She continued to roll around, cough up blood and crying on the floor.

“What should we do? If the feds find her like this we’re done for!” said Matt, panicking slightly.

“We’ll hide her where nobody will find her. It’s the perfect plan.” said Doobie, looking around for a place the pink pony could fit into that would ensure nobody would know about the gruesome deed Magic Matt and
Doobie had done.
“In here!” Matt said, opening up the oven which was still at 200 degrees.

Being high Doobie saw no flaws in this plan and shoved Pinkie in the scorching oven, closing the lid.

They heard banging and gargling coming from the oven but thought nothing of it as they walked out of Sugarcube Corner with spike trailing after them rather hastily, asking what had caused them to leave so abruptly.

“Just be cool, Spike. We’ve done nothing wrong.” Doobie said, trotting down the nearest path, not knowing where it would take them. None of them were hungry anymore.

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