• Published 30th Jul 2019
  • 694 Views, 53 Comments

Make Me a Better Villain Dr. Discord! - Horizon Spark



Discord decides to help better the future of Equestria by summoning past villains and telling them just how bad their evil schemes were. Doing his country proud.

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Star Not-so-Bright (also Trixie’s here for some reason)

“Wait, you serious,” he asked looking at his board, “I need to do her next?”

Discord looked again at his clipboard before looking at the papers on his desk. Lifting them up he was annoyed when they all read the same message:

STARLIGHT GLIMMER IS NEXT YOU DINGBAT

Discord groaned. “Look I know she’s the next big bad girl, but I already get enough screen time with her as it is. Can’t I just skip this and move on to greener pastures?”

A brick from nowhere was thrown at his wall, creating a large hole.

“...Well, if the fans demand it, who am I to deny them?” He snapped his fingers and the door appeared in front of him. “Alright, let’s have a nice lovely chat that doesn't involve blasting me with anime lasers.”

The door opened slowly as Starlight Glimmer trotted in, carrying a few books in with her magic. In the split second she realized where she was, she almost slipped over her steps and was now floating in midair along with her books. She looked up to the smiling draconequus and sighed. “Discord? You’re not still mad about you not being a teacher at Twilight’s school, are you?”

“Meh, that season’s old news anyways...” He snapped his fingers and Starlight was in a chair with her books neatly stacked next to her. “So Ms. Guidance Counselor, how’s your day going? Learned any new powerful world-ending spells or hypnotized any friends to do your work?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Not since last Saturday, but I see you’ve been pretty busy yourself doing...whatever you’ve been doing for the past few weeks.”

“More like the past several months, but I’m sure as heck not counting. Anyways,” he snapped his fingers and his therapy stuff appeared, “we both know that Twilight Sparkle will get her royal upgrade real soon. So I’ve put together this little show to help her combat all the bad guys. Lucky for her, she has a very useful Unicorn to help out with that.”

“So...what,” Starlight pondered, “you expect me to have some sort of villain guidebook ready to give to Twilight?”

“I was thinking more about reliving your past trauma and mistakes. You know, something you seem to be very used to.”

The mare scrunched her face at the mention of that. “You know, I fixed up that spell I used on you before. I can now banish you from dimensions if I wanted to.”

“Ooh...I’m so scared, or I would be if you weren’t in my humble abode. Here you can’t blast me, enslave me, banish me, or send me through infinite time loops.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find a counterspell that,” but to her surprise, Starlight heard Discord give a fit of laughter, “...what's so funny?”

Discord gave a toothy grin. “If there’s one thing I like about you Glim Glam, it’s that overpowered magic of yours. You make dimension shattering look like magic kindergarten homework. I’m surprised Twilight managed to defeat you way back then!”

“Well to be fair... she made a pretty good case for accepting friendship over literally ending the world.”

“She sure did, world saving’s kinda her thing. Which is why I want to get to the nitty-gritty of the matter, and with you here, I have all the time in the universe to discuss this one-on-“

Suddenly the two heard heavy knocks on the door, which was followed by a loud and irritating whine. “Staaarrrliiight!!”

Starlight was first to shout in surprised curiosity. “What in the world was that?”

He groaned. “It’s our featured uninvited guest. Might as well bring her in so she doesn't do anything stupid.”

He then snapped his fingers as the door swung open and Trixie came in, kicking the door open and flourishing her cape. “Starlight! Remind me to tell Twilight to place a map in this castle, because it’s a Celestia-forsaken maze!”

“Trixie, you don’t even live here.”

“Well, as your best friend, surely I deserve some compensation for…” Trixie slowly turned towards the taller figure and squinted her eyes. “Oh, it’s you.”

Discord crossed his arms. “Well well, if it isn’t the Blue Pony Phoney.”

“Glad to see you too, Klutzy Draconequus,” she said with a roll of her eyes. She took a moment to look around her new environment. “So is this where you spend your time when you’re not being annoying?”

Discord pinched the bridge of his nose then popped right next to Starlight. “Do I have your permission to wrap a muzzle around your friend?”

“Does The Great and Powerful Trixie have your permission to turn him into a teacup?”

“No and no,” Starlight deadpanned. “Trixie, what are you even doing here?”

“And more importantly,” Discord interrupted, “how did you get into my pocket dimension without my say so?”

“I walked in.”

“Because I placed a spell on that door to make sure Ponies can’t just teleport...oh...walking? Huh, guess I don’t usually account for simple solutions.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Anyways, The Great and Powerful Trixie desperately wanted to ask her Great and Powerful assistant Starlight for her help with my next show. So I followed Starlight through the door and now I’m here. Now that we have that established, we are leaving this dumb room so we can work on my magic!”

Starlight groaned inwardly. “Trixie, as much as I said I would help you...no!”

“But Staaarliiiight! You promised you would assist Trixie with any spell no matter what!”

“Yeah, any spell, but I make a hard pass on any trick that involves me tied up on top a trap door over a vat of piranhas. I don’t care how fast you can teleport now, we’re doing something else.”

“Oh puh-lease. You’re just scared that I’ll botch it up like that redheaded amateur with that silly hat.”

“You still never told me how you got your hooves on that thing...or what a visual novel is.”

“Or why you’re wasting my time referencing a game with a poor excuse of a teddy bear,” Discord annoyingly interrupted. “Look, can we get back to me making fun of bad villains of the unicorn variety?”

“Making fun of villains?” Trixie pondered before turning to her friend. “What is he planning this time, and why do I already hate it?”

“Apparently he’s doing a thing where he’s talking to the villains of Equestria to help Twilight. Says he wants to learn from Equestria's greatest adversaries or something like that.”

Trixie’s eyes lit up for a moment as her curiosity piqued. “HA! A villain you say? Well I suppose I could provide you with my experienced wisdom.”

“What wisdom?” Discord asked plainly.

Trixie stepped on her hindlegs and proudly pointed to the draconequus. “If you want a villain to assist in this pointless agenda, who better than Princess Twilight Sparkle’s former eternal rival; The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Bright fireworks went off behind the magician, blinding the other two in the office and thankfully not catching anything on fire. “Where did those even come from?” Starlight wondered out loud.

With a flourish of her cape, a velvet stool appeared right behind the magician, and she took her seat. “So draconequus, any questions for moi?”

Discord took a second to register what she just said, before spitting out a load, uncontrollable laugh at the magician, banging his fist on his desk before falling out of his seat and shaking his legs.

The two unicorns looked at each other in that way where they both knew that it was going to be one of those days. After several long minutes of this, Starlight finally spoke up. “Uh...something hilarious Discord?”

Discord took a moment to get his bearings and return to his chair. “Oh ho, I’m very sorry ladies. It’s just that...imagine Trixie being a serious threa-” Discord got back to his giggle fit, bursting into laughter once more, as he started slamming his desk until all that left was dusty chips.

Trixie angrily pouted as she stood up and stomped her hooves. “Discord, how dare you mock Trixie and her villainous wisdom!”

Discord immediately stopped laughing as he heard her. “Oh, you were serious...let me laugh even harder. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Trixie scrunched her face as she yelled louder. “Hey Klutzy Draconequus! What’s the big idea? Do you not think that I, Trixie, am the rival of Twilight Sparkle!?!”

Discord had a moment to calm down before he got back in his chair and placed his feet on his desk, which was now haphazardly pieced back together with some strange brand of tape. “Oh, but of course! You are a worthy rival of Princess Twilight!”

Trixie grinned. “Good. Glad you agree…”

“That is, if you don’t count the other more worthy rivals like Sunset Shimmer, Tempest Shadow, Starlight Glimmer, the Twilight from the Human World, the evil Twilight clone Chrysalis made…”

“And then it’s TRIXIE right?”

Discord took a moment to think about that. “Well, to be fair, I’m surprised Moondancer didn’t snap with a backstory like that.”

“DISCORD!” the blue unicorn angrily yelled, “I don’t even know any of those ponies that aren’t Starlight. Do you not consider somepony who managed to beat Twilight in a magic duel a proper villain? I haven’t even been invited to her friend circle until recently, that must mean I left a long-lasting impact on her!”

Starlight took a moment to interject. “You’re sounding a bit too defensive for someone who turned over a new leaf, Trix.”

“Oh, excuse me Starlight, but it sounds like Discord thinks I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, wasn't a worthy villain to Twilight Sparkle; that all the hours I spent getting that accursed amulet and plotting my revenge was all for naught!”

“Oh, you’re a villain alright, just not a super one!” Discord got his remote and dimmed the lights. “Let’s take things slow and talk about the first crime you ever committed. The horrible crime of,” he suddenly gasped, “being egotistical! For shame!”

Trixie scoffed. “This is pointless, you can already see that Trixie’s beginnings were always that of a bad pony. I gave Twilight and her friends a reason to consider me a worthy adversary.”

“Are you kidding me? look at this!” Discord showed Trixie embarrassing Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack on stage as others laughed. “All you did was put on a bad performance and you were made the bad guy. Honestly all of Ponyvilles residents were worse villains. Who boos somepony for a magic show? They might as well start an angry mob for a bad opinion!”

Starlight gave a small hum. “I guess you have a point there Discord. Trixie wasn’t really doing anything, and those two colts were the ones who attracted that Ursa Minor.”

“WHAT?!?” Trixie shouted in anger. “Starlight, how could you?”

“Sorry Trix, just agreeing with the facts.”

“Wh-whatever! Trixie wasn’t even that concerned about her first encounter with Princess Twilight. I was talking about when I found the Alicorn Amulet and took over Ponyville by banishing Twilight. Surely you consider that an ultimate feat of evil.”

Starlight and Discord immediately looked at Trixie with a blank stare.

Trixie could only cough. “Ahem...if you don’t count the other feats of evil like, taking away cutie marks or nearly destroying Equestria, that is.”

“Smart choice,” Discord chided, “don’t get the wrong idea, taking over Ponyville is certainly evil, but that whole ordeal only lasted a day, and all you did was force them to make statues of you.”

“Wait, didn’t your takeover of Ponyville last a day as well?”

“Yes, but I turned Ponyville into my upside-down world of chaos and drove everypony into insanity. You sent them into an early timeout and put Mayor Mare into a cage. So essentially, you went to see Ponyville’s manager, got her temporarily fired, and became the new manager.”

“You know, when you put it that way, kinda makes everything she did feel so minor. Certainly not something I would call evil. He has you kind of pinned down here, Trix.”

“But...but I was Twilight’s first ever rival! I had a whole evil revenge backstory and everything! My deeds should be acknowledged!!!”

“Oh honey, let me put it this way, if the worst thing you’ve ever done is put Ponyville under house arrest, well then you're no better than a recurring Saturday morning cartoon villain. One who appears in the early seasons, gets loved by so many fans, comes back in a later season one more time, then becomes a side character for the rest of the show. The only reason you're relevant being the fans that made you popular through fan-made media and shipping, because it's not like the writers were doing anything with us!"

“I feel like you're getting a little too personal,” Starlight interjected.

“MY POINT is that you are nothing more than a loudmouth with an ego to match. So if you’re done pretending I should put you in stone, for some reason, why don’t you take your seat so the real final bosses have a chat.”

“Why you...you…GRRRAAAAAHH!!!” Trixie gave up the will to argue anymore. She sighed as she took her seat and started grumbling. “I bet my mom thinks I’m a good villain.”

“Don’t get upset Trix,” Starlight said, placing her hooves on her friend’s shoulders, “villain roles are so overrated anyways. Plus look on the bright side, since Twilight doesn't hate us, we get to stay in her house for free.”

“I guess that’s fine...” Trixie grumbled before sighing. “Thank you Star, we’ll think of a replacement trick later.”

“Good. Well Discord, if we’re done bullying my friend, I’m sure this is the part where I tell you something villain related.”

Discord grinned. “Right you are Ms. Purple Pony.”

“Actually, I’m more of a pale light heliotrope.”

“I thought you were pale pink with a purple mane and tail.”

“Nobody cares!” Discord yelled before clearing his throat. “Anyways, I must admit that I’ve been looking forward to our little talk. You might’ve had a short-lived villain career, but what a career it’s been!

Starlight gave a nervous laugh at the compliment. “Thanks, I guess? Sorry, but I’ve never really been praised about my villainous past.”

“Well, every villain has their detractors. Bit of an understatement if this fandom is anything to go by, but, even those…’interesting individuals’ can at least say that you were pretty exceptional back then. Why don’t we review what happened to you?”

“Yawn! We already know, you bearded lizard,” Trixie interjected, “Sunburst left Starlight behind, making her hate cutie marks with a passion. She started a cult that got rid of cutie marks until Twilight mucked it up. Then, Starlight wanted revenge by messing with time and preventing Twilight from getting her marks. We’ve been told this story a thousand times. Ain’t that right Starlight?”

The once evil unicorn gave an indifferent glare. “Yes...that is exactly how the story goes, Trix. Thanks for reminding us.”

“That at least saves me the backstory trouble. Which I should add is THE worst backstory I’ve ever heard of!” Discord said before immediately showing footage of Starlight as a sad filly. “Did that doting daddy of yours think mail was too dangerous for his schnookums?” He asked, pinching his own cheeks to emphasize the last word.

“S-stop it!” She shouted as her own cheeks blushed. “First, never call me that again. Second, of course I could’ve mailed to Sunburst, but I was too emotionally distraught at the time to contact him. He was my first friend, and nopony else would make a friend with a freak like me.”

Trixie gave her a sarcastic glare. “Emotionally distraught isn’t the same as being socially inept.”

“See? Even she gets it! And it’s not like you suffered any ‘tragic incident’ or had a ‘troubled philly-hood’ or whatever fan theory someone makes. You...just sucked at communication.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be asking about my villain days? I don’t see how my backstory is supposed to help Twilight.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get to that later,” he then started pressing several buttons on his remote. “Before that, I wanna talk about COMMUNISM!”

Children cheered loudly as the walls turned a bright shade of red and yellow hammers and sickles replaced the framed pictures. A theme of mighty proportions started blaring out the speakers as Discord was adorned in a red militaristic outfit. “Приветствую, товарищ Старлайт. Слава тебе в этот равный день!!”

The two unicorns just stared at each other as they both asked, “What are you saying?”

Record Scratch

“Oh yeah, Russian doesn’t exist in Equestria. At least in canon; I’m sure there’s an internet server who’d argue against me. Still, you certainly knew a lot about communism, the ‘greatest’ way to run a village. Aah, If only Mr. Marx and Putin could see you now.”

“I also don’t know who that is. Plus, I’m pretty sure what I did technically doesn't count as communism, since me getting rid of talents and identity is more cultish if anythi-...I’m going to shut up now before I dig my hole any deeper.”

“Eh, if it looks like communism and sounds like communism, it's a bad philosophy kids should not know about at such a young age. Buuut, that’s just a small segway into me talking about your whole ‘equal’ phase. Guess a goth phase wasn’t enough for you.”

“IT WASN’T A PHASE…” Starlight took a breath. “Not important. Still, I guess we might as well get that out of the way. Making a whole town of equal zombies wasn’t exactly a nice thing.”

“I don’t know, The Great and Not-Socially-Inept Trixie can think of worse ways of coping with abandoning friends.”

“And boy is it a bad coping mechanism,” he played footage of Starlight showing off her village to the Mane 6, “so bad in fact that a sentient map had to put a stop to it. I’m not a fan of organized communities, especially those made mentally unstable frauds who used a stick as a weapon.”

“Oooh snap!” Trixie shouted, pointing to Starlight. “Trixie is feeling that burn from here!”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Well...old me just thought cutie marks were evil, and without them, ponies wouldn’t need to worry about who’s the best at something and get dragged off to magic school.”

“And old you wasn’t that much of a perceptive pony. Maybe then she would’ve noticed Best Girl sneaking around to see your secret,” Discord showed footage of Fluttershy discovering Starlight’s real cutie mark, “or the secret exit you so foolishly left open for your pursuers to follow!” He then showed footage of the Mane 6 going upstairs to discover Starlight’s exit. “Two very fatal mistakes, I may add.”

Starlight stared at the footage documenting her folly with a hint of salt. “Can’t believe I pulled off such a rookie mistake. Fluttershy’s one thing, and I might’ve been in a hurry for that second part, but I could’ve gotten away with so much!”

“Don’t worry my dear best friend,” Trixie chided, “you’re still my best, yet incompetent, friend!”

“Takes one to know one, right Trix?”

“Eat a dick!”

Starlight sighed. “So Discord, now that we have that embarrassing tidbit, is there anything else we’ll be debating about from my past?”

“Hmm, that’s a good question!” He pressed a button and fast-forwarded through the footage. “By all accounts, the first round wasn’t all that bad. Besides being a little too comfortable with that disciplinary persona you played with, you did fairly well. However, earlier you told me you weren't a commie, but you really liked the whole, ‘ONE OF US, ONE OF US’ spiel. All you needed was a shade of red.”

“For the last time, Discord, I don’t follow communism. I don’t even care about how I run my village anymore!”

“Plus, Trixie believes red would look terrible on you.”

“Be it as it may, I guess we can skip towards your time trials,“ he pressed a red button on his remote and the projector changed to show Starlight using her time spell in the castle. “I must say, you are quite an ambitious villain. You went from starting a cult to bullying the timeline like it owes you its lunch money!”

Trixie placed a hoof on her chin. “Starlight did tell Trixie that she messed up the timeline big time. Though it certainly couldn’t be that bad, right?”

“You know, Trix,” she said with a nervous grin, “I did leave out some important details, and for good reason. So Discord, you think we coud-”

NYET!” The room shook with a booming shout. “Sorry ladies, but I’d be remiss if I leave out the time warp again. Starlight had a recklessly brilliant plan, what with tampering with time so Twilight could be tortured by the what-ifs.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Starlight reluctantly responded, “you either dangerously tamper with the laws of time or you go home.”

“As a fellow space-time lawbreaker, I approve of what you did!” He showed footage of Twilight failing to cause the rainboom as Starlight keeps sending her to several timelines. “If I may be honest for a minute, I think stopping Rainbow Dash’s convenient explosion was a stroke of genius. Preventing the heroes from ever meeting? It’s probably the only fool-proof idea those other schmucks have.”

“Uh...thanks?” She said with a shrug. “Sorry Discord, I don’t know if I like being complimented about my evil schemes anymore.”

Trixie groaned. “Oh please Glim Glam, take the compliment! Even I’ll admit that your plan was more diabolical than I would have ever concocted. Although, I’m sure I could’ve come up with an unstoppable scheme. Trixie is clever like that.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Trixie, last week you used a fork to eat soup...then turned the soup into a sandwich because you didn’t want to give the soup the satisfaction.”

“But of course, Trixie’s food is Trixie’s food! I would dare not give it the chance of being better than me!”

“You said that because you teleported all the spoons and didn’t know where they were.”

“And that’s the clever part; Trixie always knows how to adapt!”

“That’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard,” Starlight said flatly before thinking about it, “but it’s not...entirely wrong, so I won’t bother arguing over it.”

“Funny sitcom moments aside,” Discord interrupted the two, “your plan was so brilliant, that it makes it a little disappointed that it all ended with a heart-to-heart.” He then showed footage of Starlight crying and accepting Twilight’s hoof in friendship. Discord shook his head in shame. “You know, normally I’d be disappointed that the whole fiasco didn’t end in some comical explosion, but ending it all with an aerial therapy session? Now I just feel robbed.”

Starlight looked at the footage and back at Discord with a scowl. “Not everything needs an epic showdown, Discord. She just needed to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. Besides, shouldn’t the Princess of Friendship be more...diplomatic?”

“Along with being anticlimactic? Yes, I totally agree. You were breaking the timeline in half! And all that for a heart to heart?”

“Oh step off Discord, I’m not here for your entertainment!” Starlight crossed her front legs in defiance. “Twilight showed me that friendship is worth it in the end, no matter how much it can hurt. I don’t regret taking what she said to heart.”

Discord gave a small grin. “Ooh, quite the independent speech you gave. Must’ve been quite tiring giving that out. Say, you want some water to go with that speech?” He brought out a glass and a random drink dispenser and poured a clear liquid into it, offering it to her guest.

Starlight hesitantly took the water with her magic and inspected it. It definitely looked like water, she thought, and smelled like water too. She took a generous sip before immediately spitting it out. She coughed and hacked heavily in an attempt to get it out.

Trixie on her part was busy patting her friend on the back and angrily looking back at the draconequus. “What the actual fuck you bearded dick, what did you put in that water!?”

“What? All I gave her was water.”

Starlight managed to compose herself. “What kind of water contains alcohol?”

“The Russian kind.”

“I WILL ZAP YOU INTO LAST CENTURY IF YOU BRING UP COMMUNISM AGAIN!!!” Starlight angrily yelled as she crushed the glass into dust with her magic. “Anything else you want to embarrass us with!?”

“As a matter of fact,” the room got darker as the projector was switched with another reel and that started playing, “we have entire alternate universes full of embarrassing moments we can look over...for Twilight anyways. Let’s see what we got here…” Discord skimmed through the footage as he started hopping through each timeline. “We have the timeline where Sombra is at a war with Equestria with his army of mind controlled crystal ponies.”

Starlight grimaced. “Looks rather dark.”

“And rather impossible. That guy is as scary as a chihuahua...and barks just as much, too...” He clicked the button again. “Here’s a future where Chrysalis took over and Ponyville’s a mere tribal village of refugees.”

Trixie gave a disgusted look. “I’ve never been more thankful for Twilight and her friends than I am now.”

“Meh, too green,” he clicked again, “a world of endless night as Nightmare Moon took over and sent Celestia to the sun.”

“Shouldn’t this have been the first bad timeline?”

“Skipping forward now...we have the timeline when Tirek powers-up and just kills everypony; how boring. The timeline where I rule with a chaotic fist; the best timeline. And a timeline where the Flim Flam Brothers industrialize...Ponyville?” Discord’s face blanched. “Okay, real quick, can we talk about how this is apparently the second worst future, and it’s because of these two charlatans! They sang a catchy song, bullied a farmer, and that’s it. Oh, and I hope none of you were expecting an episode with these schmucks, they don’t deserve one!” He added, glaring at the readers.

“And what are you going on about?”

Discord looked at the two confused unicorns who had been watching him rant at a blank wall. He took a moment to cough in his claw, gathering his thoughts. “Sorry about my little tirade there, but I’m sure you get the idea. Starlight’s shenanigans caused a lot of trouble.”

“Twilight told me that each future kept getting worse and worse,” she said rubbing her hooves in anticipation, “but she didn’t mention how bad all of these got.”

Discord nodded. “It is rather terrible. Have you ever thought about how worse this could possibly get?”

“Nuh uh…”

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO!?”

Before anypony could react, Discord snapped his fingers and all three of them were instantly transported. Starlight and Trixie instantly hugged each other and closed their eyes. When the sensation was all over, the two felt cold winds blowing onto their fur. When they opened their eyes, all they saw was the desolate emptiness of a wasteland.

Starlight was utterly stunned, and only Trixie could barely say anything. “W...wh...what...happened?”

“The last timeline to exist,” Discord spoke in a deep voice as he sneaked behind the two. “The plants...the animals...every life, snuffed out. A magical war, an undying plague, nopony will know the cause. There are no ponies, there is no magic, and there. Is. No. Friendship!”

Trixie started breathing heavily as the weight of where she was finally hit her. “This can’t be real. This is like some kind of nightmare! Starlight are you telling me this is an actual reality we could’ve had if you were still evil!?”

Starlight lazily sighed. “Apparently. I was going to ask who could’ve caused something like this, but by the time I remembered it...I kind of stopped caring. Not like it really matters anymore, right?”

Trixie laid aghast. “What!? How could you be so calm about this? Look around us! Everything is dead! Which means I’m dead! A world where The Great and Powerful Trixie is nothing more than a faded memory!! How are you not freaking out about this?!”

“Trixie, we’ve had like three near-death experiences at this point. You should be beyond desensitized by this point.”

‘“But...but...Discord!?”

“I mean, this whole fallout thing is pretty hardcore, but who really cares about noncanon realities? I certainly don’t.”

“Ugh, you’re both insane!” Trixie yelled at the two. “How could I be so dense to think villainy is for me! If being a bad guy means I should be fine with murder, I’ll stick with being a magician.”

“Yes, so you can murder ponies with piranhas and saw-blades.”

“Just shut up and get us out of this wasteland.”

“Country roads, take us home!” Discord said, as he teleported the gang back to his office, along with some leftover dust. Discord groaned as he made a roomba with a tiny Discord riding it with a cowboy hat pick up the trash. “Now folks, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson from this adventure.”

“Did we though?” Trixie asked, annoyed. “Because literally all you did was make fun of us and traumatize me! I feel like I would’ve learned more from Twilight’s boring lectures.”

“Now hang on, Trix,” Starlight started, “I know Discord’s methods are super unorthodox, but we did learn that all this villain stuff is way out of our leagues.”

Discord smirked. “Preaching to the choir, lady.”

“Plus, we’re both pretty lucky to be where we are at the end of the day. I’m the guidance counselor of the School of Friendship, and your magician career has been booming since we became friends. Not to mention, we did become heroes when we saved Equestria.”

Trixie smiled as she flipped her cape in response. “I suppose saving Twilight from the clutches of evil was all I needed to one-up her. Along with having you as my best friend, of course.”

Starlight shared a laugh with her friend. “Well Trixie, I guess it goes to show that with friends like us, who needs a life of villainy?”

“HEY!” Discord interrupted. “As much as I like this Saturday cartoon lesson, only one popular Unicorn gets my seal of approval. So unless you turn orange, I’ll have to ask you to stop right there.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Starlight said as she got up and started leaving for the exit. “Hey Trixie, you want to spend the rest of the day practicing magic and making fun of Twilight?”

“Those happen to be two of my favorite things! Let’s get outta this dump!” Trixie flourished her cape, taking the chair with her, as she stepped up and made for the exit.

Discord clapped. “Well look at you two former villains. Being the best of-” Discord was suddenly zapped by an electrifying shock, singing all his fur off. “I have several questions.”

Starlight gave a snide smile. “I’m standing in the portal between the castle and your office. As long as I’m here, I can do my magic.”

Discord was almost too dizzy to understand what she said. “I see what you're saying...but I still think that’s a load of-” but before he could finish, he was immediately turned into a teacup. “...chamomile.”

“I hate to say it, but Discord looks much more handsome as a teacup...and more bearable.”

Starlight started to giggle. “Good one Trix!”

Discord watched as the two left and closed the door behind them. He sighed, which caused the tea in him to softly bubble. “Well, you know what they say, once you go black tea, you can never go thinking of any good tea puns.”

Author's Note:

Translation for that one sentence:
Privetstvuyu, tovarishch Starlayt. Slava tebe v etot ravnyy den'!
or
Greetings Comrade Starlight. Glory to you on this equal day!

Anyways, there's your two for one deal after your three for one you greedy reader. We're almost done and I need to finish this before the rain starts coming down hard soon. The next villain is such a cyka blyat.

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