• Published 30th Jul 2019
  • 717 Views, 59 Comments

Make Me a Better Villain Dr. Discord! - Horizon Spark

Discord decides to help better the future of Equestria by summoning past villains and telling them just how bad their evil schemes were. Doing his country proud.

  • ...

How did she send mail to Satan?

It's Cozy Glow if you couldn't tell.

“Wait, you’re telling me I’m still not done yet?” Discord annoyingly asked no one in particular. “Look, I like a long series with endearing characters and enriching story arcs like the next degenerate anime fan, but we need to move on to new things! It’s been half a year since the author started writing this and I want to go back to planning my retirement. Besides, who’s even left?”

“Well golly Mr.Discord!”


Discord’s fur turned up on edge as he felt a sudden and menacing aura behind himself. It was like he received a message that death was waiting for him the moment he turned around. He didn’t even know how it got behind him when he was supposed to be safe in his office. Ready to embrace the worst, he let go of any fear, and turned around fast as lightning as he saw his new intruder; a tiny girl.

“Hello there!”

Discord’s brain went blank for a second before he processed the stranger and immediately got disappointed. “Okay, stop! No. This is so dumb!”

Cozy tilted her head, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Look, I accept that this show is for kids and I shouldn’t expect some eldritch friendship-hating abomination, but you? You are the final villain? You are the final baddie that I have to give advice to?”

“Wait, what about Grogar?” Cozy Glow tried to chime in, only for Discord to continue his rant.

“Not some ancient dark magic-fueled tyrant or a friendship-hating mare the bronies will surely have a creepy hard-on for? That’s of age by the way! Heck, I’d even go for a villain from the human world, at least they might have a second form that’s somewhat intimidating.”

“I feel like I came in at a bad time.”

“But nope! Today I’m having a tea party with a pink curly-haired kid with anger issues, who’s best friends with Satan! Well, I guess the show is teaching children to avoid all things pink and cute because they’re secretly psychopaths with knives, which means Cupcakes is possibly canon, AND I NOW BELIEVE THAT FAUST HAS ABANDONED US!!”



“Are you done?”

Discord looked at Cozy Glow waiting very calmly. He looked at himself for a moment before coughing in his claw. He took a seat in his chair and reluctantly snapped in a stool for Cozy to sit in. “So I’m guessing you opened the random-appearing door, Tyrone and Christmas Light told you not to bother, and you still did anyway. You’re not old enough for the rebellious teenage phase you know.”

Cozy gave off a genuine giggle. “Yeah, they did tell me not to come into your pretty office. I even heard them say some nasty things about you that I’m not allowed to say in public, but I just really wanted to visit you Mr. Discord! I thought we could be friends!” She then gave a toothy smile and two blinks from her big eyes.

“Alright, we’re doing this now…” he said in a whisper before sucking in his teeth, “so, Comfortable Gleam, what would a young villainous like you want to know from a thousand year-old devil like me?”

“Well, Mr. Discord…where to start?”

“From the beginning.”

“I figure that since Tirek has the raw magical strength and Chrysalis can shapeshift into anything, I should use my cute looks and ability to make so many friends to help take over Equestria!”

“Now that’s thinking with your tiny child brain.”

“And if we are to overthrow Grogar soon, I would need advice from a great and wise bad guy. And I know that the perfect choice for that would be the one with a thousand years of experience, endless knowledge on how to make ponies tick, and is exceptionally handsome to boot!”

“Very good Cozy, now that’s how you get extra credit!”

Cozy took a second to respond. “Excuse me?”

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m just out of the element,” he said before snapping his fingers, his office turning into a classroom. Cozy was now sitting in a desk, empty desks surrounding her, and Discord was now wearing a striped shirt and tie. “I’ll be sure to send your illegal guardians the tuition bill.”

Cozy coughed. “I suppose I should get to the point,” she then stomped her hooves on her desk. “I want to become better at forcing others to do my bidding; to trick all the dumb ones to betray their friends for my sake. I want the power to help Chrysalis and Tirek destroy Twilight and her stupid friends!”

“Then turn to page 234 in your textbook and solve the following problems. Extra credit if you force the smartest kid in class to do it.”

“Okay this is getting annoying,” she announced, dropping her usual facade, “are you even taking me seriously?”

“Oh, I am taking this seriously, but I’m failing, and I’m sorry. It’s just because I’m so agitated, because there’s this small pink child, who thought she can just walk right in, say some stuff about being my bestest friend, and I can’t think of anything funny to finish this reference. So why don’t we move to the actual funny thing.”

He snapped his fingers and his office turned back to normal. His projector came up for the final time, and the pictures started showing up on his screen. “You're still relatively new, so there’s not much for me to work off, but you certainly are no stranger to crime.”

Cozy Glow started to blush. “Aww...that's so kind of you Mr. Discord. I always thought my achievements of tricking the entire School of Friendship into letting me join their ranks, until I eventually was able to drain the whole world of its magic.”

“Uh...yeah, I heard. Not the most original plan I would say, but certainly a devastating plan. You drained all of Equestria’s magic, sent Twilight on a wild goose chase to get trapped in Tartarus, and I went another season without being in the finale.”

“I...don’t know what spring has to do with you.”

“Oh it’s simple. You were draining all the magic throughout Equestria, and even though my chaos magic is rule breaking, it’s still technically Equestrian magic. In other words; you locked the door between Equestria and my dimension, meaning I was under house arrest because of you.”

Cozy gave a VERY genuine gasp as she clasped her cheeks. “Golly, who would’ve thought that I could trap the spirit of chaos behind doors! That must have been...real torturous.”

“Not really. Turns out house arrest gives me a lot of time to catch up on old things. Did you know that not all anime is trash? Turns out only most of it is trash!”

Cozy Glow was about to ask if anime has all those 'loli-yanderes' Grogar keeps comparing herself to, but realized it wasn’t important. “So...can we get back on topic? I thought I was here to learn something. Oh, and I better learn it sometime otherwise I’m stuck here in your office.”

“Yes, yes, I know my own rules,” he groaned as he snapped his fingers and the projection started playing. It showed Cozy as she put her plan into motion. “Really, your plan was actually fine. Besides not being careful of your surroundings and the tree of Harmony saying ‘NO’ when you almost won at the end, you were on the ball.”

Cozy Glow gave a proud, sadistic grin at the mention of that. “Well, their stupidity made it really easy, but shouldn’t I learn more than just that?”

“I don’t know, maybe you could learn how to not be a failure in villainy in every other sort of the matter.

Cozy’s smile instantly dropped to a frown. "What’s that supposed to mean!?" she yelled.

“Let’s be honest here Coglow, you got the spunk, you have the evil laugh, you have that one bad fanart of you standing above Twilight’s corpse, all standard qualities all popular villains have these days...yet you're missing some of the finer additions. There’s a clear lack of backstory that you desperately need here young lady.”

Cozy’s eyebrow arched at the mention of that. “Backstory? Is that really important?”

“Of course it is,” he said without hesitating, “all the best baddies have the good backstories. Tirek has daddy issues, Chrysalis has performance issues, and I have regular issues. Bottom line, if you want to be popular, you gotta have some reason for hating friendship.”

Discord suddenly got out a pen and notebook. “So tell me Cozy, what’s been ailing you? Did best friends betray you? Fell into a vat of crazy acid? Dark side tempted you despite your master’s wishes?

“Uh...nope, not really.”

“Please tell me you didn’t have your toy choo-choo train stolen from you. That only worked one time with a doctor that already had a plethora of problems.”

“Oh, I dunno about any of that. I just knew that having all the friends in Equestria meant I would have all the power in the world!” she said with a cheeky grin. “Isn’t it that simple?”

Discord gave a disappointed frown at the mention of that. “So you mean to tell me that the reason you decided to be evil is because...you wanted it?”

Cozy looked around herself. “Uh...yes?”

“That’s dumb.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“That’s not a backstory, that’s just you looking at a guy stealing candy from a baby and thinking that was the coolest thing ever.”

“I thought it was pretty cool.”

“The reason for your actions have to come from somewhere, otherwise what’s the point of being another scary child? What about your parents? I’m sure mommy and daddy weren’t winning any awards for teaching moral behaviors.”

“You know, that’s the strangest little mystery Mr. Discord. I actually don’t remember much about my family. I don’t think I ever had any.”

Discord felt like a computer shutting off before being rebooted slowly. “You serious?”


Discord slowly sat down at his desk and slowly turned around in his chair before looking at his guest. “What do you mean you don’t have parents!?!”

She shrugged. “What? Nopony ever brought it up, and it’s not like Twilight or the teachers ever asked me about them. I kinda just...well...never thought of them. Besides, if I actually had parents, wouldn’t they flip their lid if they knew the Princess of Friendship sent their little girl to Tartarus?”

The wires in his mind tried everything to connect. “You can’t just pop in without any parents! That doesn't make sense! You are literally a villain with no backstory!”

“Isn’t not making sense kinda like your thing? Shouldn’t my lack of backstory be really good?”

“Whoa there missy! Unlike you, my ‘no-sense-making’ has class. I may be chaotic, but I’m a professional. My chaotic good/chaotic neutral deeds have purpose, efficiency, and above all else, I have standards. You won’t see me draining magic because I think it looks cool, or teaming up with Satan for the lols.”

“That kinda sounds more like an excuse than an exception.”

“Alright, listen Darla Dimple!”

“Oh boy, haven’t heard that one before...”

"I'm not going to listen here and let the villain trope of 'isn't me acting cute and innocent but actually being a killer psychopath so wacky', make fun of the standards every villain should strive for. The lesson here is to have class, standards, and not be some generic chuckle-schmuck demon lord. Now that your session is over, you are no longer invited to my office!”

“Oh Discord,” she responded immediately, “what are you going to do, kick me out like you did with Tirek and Chrysalis? You wouldn’t hurt a child now, would you?

“Don't worry, I have something much less physically painful for loli-yanderes like you…"

"Oh, you know what that is too?"


Tirek and Chrysalis stared at the sight before them like cats staring at a laser dot. They didn't know how long they were staring, but it was enough to garner Grogar's irritation. "What is going on here?"

"That," they both said in unison.

Grogar glanced at what they were pointing at, only to see Cozy Glow rocking back and forth, clutching her head as she was breathing rapidly. “What’s going on with her?”

Tirek spoke up, “Discord apparently made her look at something called a ‘10-Hour Weeb Cringe Compilation, but everything is spoken in uwu’. No idea what an ‘uwu’ is.”

“She’s been shaking and whispering to herself ever since she got here,” Chrysalis added.

“So...pathetic...so...much...cwinge…” she quietly stuttered.

Grogar groaned as he waved a hoof towards Cozy where his magic flowed towards her. “There, give it a few hours and she’ll forget everything that has happened. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a royal pain to deal with.”

The two villains looked at the old goat leave, turning his back to the still crying filly. Tirek was first to react. “You know, if I had to choose between pulverizing those ponies for defeating us or that bearded snake for annoying us, I’m going after that bastard first.”

“Agreed,” Chrysalis said, “that trickster has humiliated me more than Starlight. Once I get my powers back, I’m going to ram my horn right through his black heart!” She then glanced at the filly who was still shaking in the corner before groaning. “Should we do something about that?”

“No, let’s wait for that to run its course. I’m more surprised Discord has the common decency to not wrap a muzzle around a child.”

“Or kick her right in the-MPH!?!”

Another muzzle was wrapped around Chrysalis and Tirek got kicked in the dick again.

Author's Note:

Don't worry it'll all be over soon.

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