Discord decides to help better the future of Equestria by summoning past villains and telling them just how bad their evil schemes were. Doing his country proud.
With Princess Twilight soon becoming the ruler of Equestria, Discord decides she'll need all the help she can get. With so many villains who think beating six magical ponies is very easy, he knows that the best way to help is to gather Equestria's greatest villains and learn from their mistakes.
And that involves A LOT of roasting! Time for Dr. Discord to teach them how to become (actually good) villains!
The sound of a quiet cough resonated throughout an empty space. It was quickly followed by several snapping claws and heavy objects hitting the floor. A voice chuckled, as he snapped one more time, the lights flickering to life.
He cleared his throat and began to speak to his audience.
“Salutations and greetings you misfits and weirdos of Equestria, I am Dr. Discord professional villain. Welcome to my humble office...well, it's not much of an office, more like a some random stage I popped up to look like an office.”
Discord then noticed the large painting of himself on the wall. It was perfectly leveled straight. He gave a disgusted scoff as he turned it counterclockwise at a 96° angle. “Ha ha, nice.”
He continued to speak with his “audience” as he continued to set up his office. “Now, you must be wondering what I’m doing. Well, with Princess Twilight soon becoming Equestria’s new ruler, she’s going to have a lot more responsibilities than before. One of those responsibilities include not losing to some ancient monster from thousands of moons ago or some edgy pony with no concept of basic communication skills.”
He looked around his office once more and saw that everything looked perfectly set up. The desk was perfectly laden with knick-knacks like his drinking Alicorn and his favorite signed picture of Fluttershy. The walls had various portraits of himself and bookshelves that were all labeled random titles like “Twilight’s Fears” and “Desserts that make Celestia Fat”.
He looked around, satisfied at his handiwork, then decided to sit down at his desk and grin. “So I made this little pocket dimension where I can freely do my job without any interference from the outside world. And that work you may be wondering involves gathering knowledge from Equestria’s past enemies and giving them to the princess so they can learn from their mistakes.”
He stopped for a moment before thinking. “At least, that’s what I’ll tell Celestia. Really, I’m just here because I’m bored; the guys aren't playing Ogres and Oubliettes this week, and I feel like making fun of some losers.
“In any case, this place is specially designed for those who enter it to freely vent out their frustrations and complain freely to me without any judgement or ire from the outside world. So they’re not safe from me, of course.”
“Oh, and let’s not worry about any sort of continuity changes before this show ends, I get the feeling that playing the waiting game won’t do well for our blue goat grandpa.”
Discord thought for a moment before sighing intently. “Oh fine, let’s just get this over with.”
Discord brought out a clipboard and his glasses out off his desk. Looking intensely at his own hand-writing, he quickly realized how terrible it actually was. “Well, this is a bummer, I don’t even wear glasses. Time for plan B.” Throwing the objects haphazardly (which both exploded behind him), he snapped his fingers, allowing his first guest to walk in. “Alright lost villain, you may enter when ready.”
Entering stage left, Princess Luna walked inside the mysterious chambers, her eyes wondering about her new environment. “Where...am I? Last I remember, I just raised the moon and as I was about to enter my chambers I find myself here. I can certainly tell this is no kind of dream, and this familiar sort of magic feels like the work of…”
“Why hello there your majesty! I’m certainly happy to start off with a royal touch!” Discord exclaimed as he bowed. “Then again, you are the first baddie, so this could go either way really.”
“DISCORD?!” Luna readied her magic at the Spirit of Chaos, “Up to your old games again, are you? You best have a good reason to bring me into...wherever I am!”
“Oh don’t get your moon rocks all in a bunch my dear. You’re in my office, all within my little pocket dimension of chaos, and I can assure you that I have nothing but the best intentions this time.”
Luna analyzed her surroundings, looking at the strange environment before her. “Strange, you never showed me your...dimension. To be honest, I’m not very fond of your aesthetics.”
“To each their own I suppose,” he shrugged, “in any case, I brought you here for a great reason, your majesty; an opportunity to better the future of all Equestrians.” Luna’s ears perked up, which prompted him to continue. “You see, with you and Celestia retiring and Princess Twilight soon becoming ruler of Equestria, I took it as my civic duty to assist her in my own...special way. To make sure she’s prepared to take on everything that stands in her way.”
Luna raised her brow. "You want to better the future of Equestria? Considering your reputation, that sounds almost too good to be true. Tell me, how do you plan on bettering our future?”
Discord gave a snide smirk, which went unnoticed by the princess. “I’m glad you asked. I plan on helping our elemental friends by giving them advice on how to deal with future villains who’d pose a threat to Equestria. I know a lot on what makes a baddie tick, and I’ll personally make sure they learn all the old tricks. That way our heroines can easily defeat their would-be adversaries without a fight.”
Luna gave an astonished hum, realizing all the possibilities this could grant the Mane Six. “That...actually sounds wonderful Discord. With the knowledge of our old enemies in our hooves, we can assure a peaceful future. I must admit, I am rather impressed."
“You're very welcome Princess Rather Impressed!"
"...I'll ignore that comment."
Discord then pulled out two reclining chairs and sat down. He gestured his claw, prompting Luna to do the same. "Now then, let's get to the juicy part. I'll need full cooperation from you for the best results."
"Alright then, please tell me what I need to do."
"Oh, it's quite simple really. Tell me, and be honest, do you happen to remember your time as Nightmare Moon?”
Luna tensed up. The mention of “her” brought back memories she tried to repress. Discord immediately saw this. “Don’t worry, your moon majesty, there's no need for a traumatic flashback or any of that. My house is a judge-free home, so you’re welcome to let your memories run rampant.”
She turned away not to face him. She gave it a thought before she took a breath and hesitatingly spoke. “Well, if that’s the case, then of course I remember my time as Nightmare Moon. I remember every regrettable moment that led up to my transformation, and the events that happened when I returned after my thousand year prison.” She gave a small smile as she looked up. “But I remember all the good moments that led to my reformation thanks to those girls. Thanks to all their efforts, I’ve been able to face my own fears and finally have a good night’s sleep. Is that what you wanted to know?”
Discord casually shrugged. “Not really, but it’s helpful. What I was really wondering was if you remember how that terrible plan to stop those ponies went.”
It took a moment for Luna to notice what he just said. “My...my terrible plan?”
“Well of course, my moonlit monarch. Honestly, I’ve never seen a plan so lazily put together. You basically threw a wall in front of them and said, ‘Good luck’.”
“I...I…WHAT!?” Luna didn’t know why, but she felt like her pride was being tarnished, and she didn't like that. “How...dare you draconequus. As Nightmare Moon, I did all I could to make sure those ponies wouldn’t reach the elements! The only reason they’ve won was because their friendship was far more powerful than I.”
Discord scoffed. “Really now? Did you really do all you could as a powerful Alicorn, capable of trapping your more powerful elder sister, incapacitating several guards without a thought, and bringing an endless night to stop six normal ponies who barely knew each other at the time?”
“Then what makes you think I didn’t?”
He gave a snide grin. “That’s where we get to the good part.”
Before Luna could ask, the lights suddenly turned off, making the princess jump out of her chair in a gasp. The lights came back on, and Luna found herself sitting in front of a large projection screen. “What is the meaning of…”
“Why don’t we have a look-see at this.” He suddenly had a remote control in his claw and pressed an arrow-shaped button. The screen then showed a picture of Twilight and her friends in the Everfree Forest, about to fall down a crumbling cliff. “Now I will start off with a complement, breaking a cliff and having your opponents fall to their doom is a great start. I’ll just ignore the fact that you probably forgot that two of them can fly and easily carry their friends.”
“I didn't forget they could fly…” Luna mumbled under her breath. “Wait, how are we looking at this? There was no way to record the events anywhere near the forest, and you were still trapped in stone.”
“Please Luna, I didn't make a pocket dimension where all time and space stopped, then kidnap you here without anyone knowing, to discuss how overpowered I am."
"Wait, what was that first part…?"
"ANYWAYS!” He quickly pressed the button again, skipping ahead to show slides of the girls fighting the manticore. “Now this right here is pretty good. Nothing says ‘Turn back if you know what's good for you’ like sicking an angry manticore on your enemy.”
Luna started to cringe a bit as she watched the Elements fight the manticore. She was surprised that they could hold their own even without the elements. “I guess...Nightmare was rather efficient when it came to crushing her enemies.”
“That’s what I thought too...until I saw this tiny, pathetic detail...” He showed the picture of Fluttershy removing a small thorn from the manticore’s paw. “A thorn...really?”
“Wha-...what’s so wrong about that? An angry manticore is nothing to scoff at. The moment they see their prey, they will destroy everything in their path to get what they want!” She crossed her hooves and glared at the host. “I say a thorn served its purpose well.”
“And here we come to your major villain flaw; you do half the job and get a full smile. You’re a lazy villain!”
“Lazy?!” Luna asked taken aback, “You dare insinuate that the princess of the night was lazy?!”
“I don’t dare insinuate, princess, I AM! Look at this.” He clicked again to show slides of Pinkie laughing at the trees of the Everfree, then of Rarity cutting her tail for the sea-serpent. “Did you seriously think that slightly evil-looking trees were going to scare them off, or a primadonna sea serpent with a terrible sense of facial features?”
Luna looked at the pictures and gave a weak scoff. “Well...obviously my judgement back then was rather...iffy. Besides any normal pony would run with their tails between their legs at the sight of the trees of the Everfree! Though, I will admit, I was hoping the serpent would be more aggro.”
“You couldn't put in a little more effort in your work? Maybe use that all-powerful Alicorn magic to make those trees attack those girls with those sharp branches, or aggravate that serpent to have gone wild on the first living thing it sees? Honestly, it feels like you lowballed your own powers.”
Luna raised an eyebrow in resentment. For some reason, she felt as if her own pride was being tarnished. “And I’m assuming you could’ve done better, huh? Nightmare Moon was feared throughout the land, her name alone strikes fear into the hearts of foals. Unlike you, I don’t need to rely on a wild and quirky gimmick to defeat my opponents.”
“Fine, fine, I guess that’s all understandable, but how about we get to my favorite part? He slid to the next slide, now showing Rainbow Dash confronting the Shadowbolts, trying to convince her to abandon her friends, only to fail. “As good of a plan it was to transform into these edgy pilots and convince Rainbow to join the dark side...I just have one, very minor question to ask.”
“And what would that be…?”
“So...Nightmare Moon had the power to transform into three separate ponies for an extended period of time, right?”
“Correct...her powers allowed me to transform into whatever I wanted. What are you going on about?”
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Why didn’t you turn into a manticore?”
“I…” Luna paused for a moment as her thoughts rolled back to that moment. “Wait...what?”
“I’m sure you could’ve easily transformed into a manticore or some other big, scary creature, but no you turned into a measly thorn and just hoped that would be enough to tear them apart. INSTEAD OF DOING IT YOURSELF?!?”
“Well, you see, I…” She looked as if she was doing some sort of impossible equation in her mind. Her eyes shifted all over as she attempted her best to find the answer to this conundrum. Then gave up. “That is a good point...”
“You think!?” Discord annoyingly shouted. “Honestly, you practically gave them a bread crumb trail to the elements. If Nightmare Moon actually got off her lazy flank and DID something instead of expecting it, she probably would’ve won!”
Luna looked at Discord confused. “But, isn’t that a good thing? Because Nightmare never used her powers to the fullest extent, Twilight and her friends were able to defeat her and save Equestria.” Luna gave a prideful smile. “Besides, if Nightmare wasn’t able to stop six ponies, then she was never meant to rule in the first place.”
“Mmh, I guess you're right. After all, a good evil ruler should take care of her pests by herself, and not rely on some thorn to do her job.”
“Er...sure Discord. In any case, if we are done here, I’d like to get back to the castle. I have night court soon and I don’t want to be late.”
“Of course. Thanks for your time Princess, I’m sure this information will be very useful.”
“You’re welcome, but before I go, I must make sure of one thing.”
“What is it?”
Luna gave him an accusing glare. “You ARE using this knowledge to assist Princess Twilight Sparkle and further better Equestria’s future, and not just summoning previous criminals just for your own amusement, are you?”
Discord gave a totally-not-over-dramatic scoff. “For my own amusement? Perish the thought.” He snapped his fingers as a spotlight shone on him, and a single violin played a sad tune in the background. “This time, my heart and actions are utterly unclouded; they are all those of justice! For once in my immortal life, I want to make sure Twilight and all of Equestria can finally live in harmony, once and for all!”
Discord glanced back at Luna, hoping that performance all worked. The blank, unamused stare gave him the answer. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“If it weren't for that obviously fake speech, I probably would’ve been convinced.”
“Fair enough. Oh well, guess it doesn't matter in the long run.”
Luna sighed. “Could you at least make sure you don’t destroy Equestria and find some sort of lesson from all those villains?”
“Well, at least that’s something I can provide with each guest. Probably.”
Luna rolled her eyes as her horn started to spark. “Just don’t make me get my sister down here. We’re done here, Luna out!” With that, she was gone, leaving the draconequus to his lonesome.
Discord shrugged. “Well, at least I have the green light. Time to mess with some social outcasts!”
“Alrighty then, with Black Snooty out of the picture, let’s see who’s next on my verbal chopping block!” He snapped his fingers as the door to his office opened up. “Okay lost villain, you may enter when ready.” There was a long moment of silence that made Discord wonder if his guest took the right turn to his office, but quickly followed by a resounding...
It was a screech that was not only ear piercing, but sounded like it was specifically reserved for those uncultured swines who knew nothing about the struggles of the miserable. It was a noise Discord was rather familiar with. “Well...that was a wake up call.“
“I CAN’T STAND THIS SWAMP ANYMORE! I’m sick and tired of sitting here twiddling my hooves and eating cupcakes while those ponies are spreading their friendship disease all over the world. How is it that I’m stuck talking to a log, while Starlight Glimmer continues to breath!? THIS IS UNFAIR!”
Queen Chrysalis growled like an alligator, her teeth gnashing at the air before she tried to compose herself. Taking a moment she was able to gather what little berrings she still had. “You need to calm down Chrysalis, you’ve been through your own hive betraying you, you can be calm about this little setback...then again, considering how you’ve been acting lately, calm is the last phrase I’d use to describe you.”
Chrysalis looked behind her to see where the voice came from. It took her quite some time to fully register what was going on, but once she realized who it was, she felt even more agitated than she was ten seconds ago. “Discord!? Why you miserable, ridiculous, long-necked, cowardly, stupid, wretched, ingrateful, piece of shit!”
Discord blinked twice. “...And how was your day honey bunches?”
“Terrible!” Chrysalis responded, now far less hysterical. “And it’s much worse now that I’m looking at your repulsive face again.”
“Well, hopefully we can make it all better and calm those nerves of yours down with some nice, soothing coffee.” He then took a seat and snapped his fingers, making a coffee machine appear. “How does black coffee sound?”
“I’d rather drink arsenic...” She deadpanned.
“Hmm, I don’t seem to have that flavor...let me see if there’s any in the pantry.”
“Forget it!” Chrysalis yelled out before turning around and opening the door she came in. “I refuse to spend another second in this drab room with the likes of you! I’m out of here!”
The door closed hard, shaking the entire room and nearly causing the coffee maker to fall on the floor. Discord hummed as he continued to fix two cups of coffee. “Yep, I suppose I should’ve expected that from Miss Swiss there. Fortunately, I’ve set up a couple ground rules for just an occasion.”
As if on time, the door opened once more. “Cozy Glow, where did you put my...log?” Chrysalis came right through and looked around the room. She immediately noticed her surroundings, gave a confused and concerned glance, before she slammed the door again.
Discord laughed. He then took out the finished brew and snapped two mugs. “It usually takes them one more try.”
The door opened again and Chrysalis gave out another frustrated growl. “What is the meaning of this, Draconequus? Why can’t I leave this dump?”
“Well, it’s very simple Queenie,” Discord said as he poured the finished coffee into the two cups, “I made it so no one can leave my office until after I give my diagnosis. Even I can’t leave my own dimension thanks to my own rules. I don’t want any half-done jobs here.”
“So...you’re saying I’m trapped here with the Lord of Chaos until after I talk about my feelings?” Chrysalis scoffed. “This sounds like a cruel and unusual torture method employed by those ponies!”
Discord rolled his eyes as he pushed Chrysalis’ cup towards her. “Look Queen Bee, the more time you waste complaining, the less you’ll have planning your coup against the old goat. So how about we start talking about past failures now.”
Chrysalis groaned as she grabbed her coffee. “Past failures? Please, I heard enough to last a lifetime about the incompetencies of my changeling army. Twice I was on the verge of ruling Equestria...TWICE! I should be the one with a shiny gold crown and a throne with heated seats!”
She took a big sip from her drink before continuing. “Because of them, I’m now stuck in a swamp teaming up with a beefcake centaur and an expelled filly. I feel like the punchline of someone’s sick joke that only they themselves find funny. Thank you for the black coffee by the way.”
“You’re welcome...wait, they have heated seats?” Discord pondered, before shaking his head to refocus his attention. “More on that later. Anywho, it’s pretty presumptuous of you to say that it was your changelings’ fault that you’re not on top of the pony food chain.”
Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Let me guess,” she quickly changed her form to that of Discord, “it’s your fault that you failed. Something, something, get good! Something, something, hilarious reference.”
She changed right back with an annoyed glare. “How does that sound to you?”
“Like a bad voice actor who think they can impersonate my lovely voice, but it seems you spend too much time impersonating others to realize that you yourself are your own worst enemy.“
Before Chrysalis could retort, a large projector appeared beside her. It turned on and Chrysalis could see the familiar sight of panicking ponies running all over Canterlot as she saw herself standing triumply at the destruction. The changeling queen gave a small smirk before looking at her host. “So you show one of my greatest triumphs before my greatest falls. I don’t like reruns, trickster!”
“Neither do I,” Discord nonchalauntley stated, “which is why I hate seeing the tired old way the villain loses over and over again.” He fast forward the footage to show Chrysalis walking away from Shining Armor and Cadence as they started to charge their love shield. “It’s the old ‘walk away from the heroes and monologue about how you already won’ combo. I’d call it a classic, if only it was ever good in the first place.”
Chrysalis saw everything in this new perspective. Cadence and Shining Armor putting their horns together to charge the shield. Then she saw her own face of horror as she shield blasted her and her army into the horizon.
She cursed under her breath before slamming her hoof. “Those ponies cheated me out of my own victory. They couldn’t accept that my perfectly executed plan trumped their defences, and just won by pulling something out of their flanks! They’re nothing but a bunch of cowards! ...Are you even listening to me?!”
Discord this whole time was drinking his coffee, sipping annoyingly loud before smacking his lips, then putting the drink down. He began pouring himself another glass. “Chrissy, may I call you Chrissy? “
“NO YOU CANN-”
“Anyways, I’m sure you're smart enough to know the phrase ‘pride cometh before the fall’. It pretty much means stupidity and pride makes for a bad married couple...and honey, you’ve been going through spousal abuse since day one.”
“I do NOT have a problem with my own pride Mr. Lord of Chaos!” Chrysalis quickly responded. “I’ll have you know that I’m perfectly capable of keeping my pride in check. Why, it certainly helped when I returned with the perfect plan to take over Equestria!”
“It took you four seasons to come up with an idea?”
Chrysalis visibly paused for a moment. “Ok...so I will admit that it took me longer than I anticipated, but it was all worth the wait.” She gave a contented sigh at the memory. “In only a week, I was able to execute the perfect trap for not only the Princesses, but all of Twilight’s pathetic friends. Even you could see how flawless my plan was. After all, I was able to render the lord of chaos himself into a hapless damsel.”
Discord rolled his eyes before giving a dejected sigh. “Yes, yes, I’m willing to admit that even ultimate liforms such as myself aren't immune to the dastardly tricks of the changelings, but are you willing to tell me the one thing that led to that “perfect plan” going kaputz?”
He slowly leaned forward. “Now, before you tell me your final answer, think carefully about your answer. Only one choice is correct, you know.”
Chrysalis was angrily confused after only a second of thinking. The answer was so obvious! “It was those cowardly traitors being led by the purple bitch! She was the one who-”
Discord snapped his fingers to wrap a chained muzzle around her snout, much to the queen’s rabid annoyance. Discord rubbed his temples. “Ok, since I’m actually getting bored now, how about I educate you a little on your actual choices. We could blame the one who apparently had no idea how the Princess of Love acts and thought being a jerk to everyone was a good idea. I repeat, THE PRINCESS OF LOVE being a jerk! Or we could blame the one who thought the power of Cadence’s love for her husband powering a love-powered shield was ridiculous idea, and the love-powered creature clearly not seeing the irony in that.
“Ooh ooh, or maybe we should blame the one who did all this elaborate planning for the perfect scheme, and lost because she didn’t do her research and missed Twilight’s own and just as dangerous pupil.” He breathed a sigh of exhaustion as he took off the muzzle. “Heck, you managed to sneak out a literal crybaby, but you didn’t get that Sunburst nerd, and he was the one who told Thorax about your plan.”
“Tch!” Chrysalis finished all of her coffee and flipped her hair as she looked at her host. “Fine! Maybe I do have problems when it comes to my pride. Still, not like you’re one to talk. Grogar told me that even you stood frozen at your own defeat, so at least I’m not the only one to suffer the fate of being prideful.” She paused as she heard a slight giggle from the draconequus. “WHAT’S SO FUNNY YOU WHELP?!”
Discord gave a snide smile as he grabbed his remote and pressed the fast-forward button. “Oh, you want to compare yourself to me? You see, it’s funny because you basically copied MY idea. Those evil clones you made, real creative for a shapeshifter by the way, they’re just carbon copies of my mean ponies! Except your Twilight wasn’t a friendless crybaby.”
“S-so...what? “Chrysalis nervously asked as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. “You didn’t invent the concept of evil clones. Besides, why bring that up? I simply made a bad first batch of clones, not like anyone's first try is the best.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Say did you even know Starlight and her friends were even there?”
Discord then showed that the Mane 6 were in fact in the Everfree Forest. “Yeah, they took a real bad day to go on a friendship camping retreat, but it seems they were able to still have a fine day despite the little squabbles they experienced.” He looked down at her guest. “Oh, not from you though, so no need to worry.”
"But...shouldn't I at least get some credit for besting the lord of chaos?"
"Well, you did have home field advantage, so it hardly counts. If anything, it's not the first time some powerful villain or shy Pegasus knocked me down a peg. So again, very creative."
Chrysalis looked as if she just saw the most life-changing disaster of her entire life. Staring at her own coffee, only to see it was gone, as she thought back to the day she was born, how she dreamed of becoming queen and ruling everything in Equestria. All she could say in response to everything up to this point was:
“Am I a joke to everypony?”
“Oh Chrysalis...of course you’re not a joke.” He gently wrapped his claw around her neck. “Your just an arrogant, self-absorbed, and very stupid villain who does no research and should probably start beating herself up before you goes after Glim Glam. But hey, nobody can be perfect like me.”
“You know what? Fine!” Chrysalis flew out of her seat and towards the exit. “I see what I need to do. I’ll let go of my own pride and focus my attention on betraying the old goat, and when we finally enact OUR plan to rule Equestria, I’ll skip destroying Starlight Glimmer and go after YOU FIRST! I’ll tear off your fur and make a new coat you insolent-”
“Yeah, yeah, shut up.” Snapping his fingers, he placed another muzzle around Chrysalis, who was now struggling wildly to take it off. “Well, I think my work here is done, maybe you can take everything you learned here and hopefully someday you could be a good representation of your species and change into a good villain...for once. Have a nice day!”
With that, he ignored the muffled, incoherent screeching and threw her out the door and slammed it shut. He made sure the door was locked this time to make sure she wouldn’t come back, then slid down his chair. “Well,” Discord sighed, “that was a pain. Hopefully my next guest will be less lively…”
The door opened all by itself, yet there was nothing but silence.
Discord looked at the entrance in annoyance. “Hey...bad guy! We don’t have all day here. I mean, I technically do, but my audience don’t.”
Still nobody came...
Discord furrowed his eyebrows. “Alright, this is starting to get dumb. Whoever my third guest is, they seem to think fashionably late is more than just an excuse.” He snapped his clipboard to existence. “Who even is my next guest, because if they think they’re too good to be on MY show, I’ll show them...that…”
The very sight of the guest’s name made him scratch his forehead. “Oof...that complicates things.”
Placing the clipboard down, he sat back down and sighed. “Well...this is a fine pickle. How am I going to get King Nothing to be my guest now? Not like I can just bring him back from the dead…I’m not much of a fan of necromancy, too much blood and unintelligible chatter. If only there was a way to bring him here before he kicked the bucket…”
It was as if on cue, the light in his office started to die out.
“Gosh, it’s only been two chapters and my light is already out?” He snapped his fingers and replaced it with a brighter fluorescent light bulb. “Should’ve known being energy efficient was the better choice. Also, I just learned how to solve this problem.”
Going into his desk drawer, he fished out a gold chained pocket watch. It had an eloquent design that branded his face on the back. “Ahh, time travel...the cause and solution to everyone’s problems.” Opening the hatch, he pressed several buttons that turned the clock hands back several times before it finally stopped.
“Time for a time travel episode folks!” He said as he pressed a button on the clock and was gone from his office.
“Discord’s right,” Twilight proudly stated as she looked among her friends. “We've proven time and time again that the real magic is the six of us working together!” The six of them turned around, facing the mad King Sombra with burning determination. “With these girls by my side, I'm not afraid of you! I'm not afraid of what you can do or how much power you have!”
“You should be,” Sombra gave a wicked smile as he readied a blast of dark magic that would surely kill these interlopers.
In an instant, a deafening brass like sound reverberated throughout the throne room, causing Sombra to flinch. When he opened his eyes, he felt the air grew colder and the colors in the room were drained. He looked forward to see the foolish ponies before him were frozen in place.
He lightly stepped forward, looking at their frozen faces of determination. A part of him felt ecstatic now that he could just use his crystals to finally crush them right where they stand, yet the other part was just trying to register what could be going on. “D-...did I do that? Can I do that? ...Can Grogar do that?”
“Oh...please, don’t set yourself up for disappointment, your Highness.”
Sombra looked up and saw a small doorknob form at the ceiling. The door formed as Discord poked his head out, then slithered towards the king as his tail closed it shut. He gave a toothy grin while fiddling with a stopwatch. “Sorry for the sudden continuum break and that rather loud outburst, it’s sort of how time travel works nowadays. Also, my apologies for the delay, was torn between what pose to do for a certain obscure reference, but then I got bored and settled for this little thing. Oh, and don’t worry about Goat Man, he’s nowhere near my level.”
Sombra looked at the new intruder, then glanced behind him to see the draconequus still lying on the floor. He stared carefully at him. “Well, this is new. I never thought the lord of chaos would have a twin brother..or maybe this is a feeble way for you to convince me not to destroy your friends. I'll start by saying, it won’t work.”
Discord gave his signature nonchalant laugh as he pulled up a chair. “Oh, nonsense your Darkness. How do I put this...I’m the same Discord, but thirteen weeks older and handsomer. I’ve traveled back to the past to give you some much needed advice. Certainly a mighty usurper, such as yourself, will find what I have to say useful.”
The hesitant king raised his eyebrow at the absurd idea. Then after some quick thinking, he gave a toothy grin as he held his head high and stepped forward. “Well, if you’re here to give me advice, then that must mean these ponies failed to defeat me!”
“That’s not my first guess, but sure go ahead.”
“And obviously,” Sombra continued without listening, “you're here on a quest given to you by my future self to make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes he made. Though, why stop there, when you can bring that feeble old goat here to show him how I’ve won his game and I’m the rightful ruler of Equest-…” His egotistical tirade stopped when a tissue box was shoved right in his face. Annoyed, he took the box in his magic. “What are you doing with this?”
Discord glanced at the tissue box and back at Sombra. “Oh this? Don’t worry about it, I just thought you were catching a nasty cold. Can’t be a malevolent dark lord with a stuffy nose now can you?”
Sombra angrily crushed the tissues and burned it to cinders. “A cold? I am not sick! How dare you insinuate that my regal voice can be mistaken for sickness.”
“Well excuse me your Ickiness, but I’m not the one who used to sound like the intimidating, indomitable, fierce monster I thought you were. Now you sound like a blues singer who hit that high note just a little too high and now you’re stuck with a career-ruining voice.”
Sombra placed a hoof on his neck. “Do...do I really sound bad?”
Discord shrugged. “Either everpony’s tone deaf, or too mature to laugh. Still, your voice before had a pretty rough baritone, and I fail to see how this is an improvement.” Forming a cute, small doll of Sombra, he pulled the string on it’s back as it started to speak.
“Yes...crystals! My crystal slaves...!”
“Listen to that, you hear just how vile and low that was? A good villain needs a good evil voice, otherwise they start sounding like they’re should be their own bumbling sidekick!”
Sombra sat down on the throne, his head held high up as he stared back at the draconequus. “Well, as you must know, my voice was sore when I returned from my slumber.” Sombra noticed his raised brow. “What? You expect me to rise from a thousand year prison, unable to say a single word and not have a sore throat? If I had time to go to the store and buy some lozenges, I would’ve.”
Discord pinched his beard. “I suppose Mr. Miller just had an off day then. Oh well, it doesn't matter now. I’m not here to talk about your perilous pipes, I’m here to talk about your dangerous disdain for self-preservation. It seems you think of yourself as some untouchable daredevil.”
Discord grasped the air above his head and a projector screen was pulled down from thin air. He formed a baton in his hand as the pictures started to form. It showed Sombra, along with the other villains, as he proclaimed his independence from Grogar. “I mean, going the lone-wolf route and turning down an alliance with four other villains? A loose cannon king who doesn't play by the rules, I see.”
“Mmph!” Sombra leaned on the throne’s armchair. Images of Sombra leaving the four villains behind claiming that his power alone was all he needed. “They might have served me well as servants, but as you can see, I don’t need them to bring Ponyville and Canterlot to their knees. My mastery of dark magic is proof enough that I have no weakness.”
“As opposed to the first time you did a hostile takeover at the Crystal Empire where they discovered you were weak to explosion-type attacks.” He moved his baton on the screen to show Sombra being destroyed by the Crystal Heart exploding in a thousand pieces as they fell into the snow. “Sheesh, and that was just the first time they met you. Makes becoming garden art or living in pony hell a luxury.”
Sombra unflinchingly stared at his own death being played. “That...was just a practice round. A test to see if these were worth the effort of destroying. Besides, what's the big deal? You don’t suppose that I, Sombra, need to learn from such an unlucky fluke like that.”
“Sounds like Queen Bee has ego competition,” Discord mumbled to himself, “listen, your Conceitedness, you may think you’re some invincible, godlike, chosen being, but you’re not me, and even I have some idea of caution. Just look at your security measures in your former castle.”
He pressed his baton up to the screen and slid it across to show more pictures. “Now don’t get me wrong, doors that give you nightmares and infinite stairs would definitely turn back any plucky protagonist, though it seems your final defense to protect your precious heart had a small design flaw.”
“And what pray tell is that?”
“Oh, it’s not much, just the fact that your Twilight solved the crystal trap problem, by throwing the Crystal Heart outside the trap.” The screen showed Twilight tossing the Crystal Heart to Spike outside the trap, as he proceeded outside. “As specific as the rescue sequence is, you can’t deny that because of this flaw, you were turned into the empire’s mulch.”
“BAH!” Sombra scoffed as he turned away from the image. “Like I said, unlucky fluke. What more could I have possibly needed for defense measures against those frivolous fillies?”
“Heck if I know,” Discord shrugged, “you were up against a mare that turned your staircase into a slide. You may have been up a creek either way, but now I want to know what’s going on with this.” He snapped away the baton and projection screen as he motioned towards the entire throne room. “Wanna explain what’s going on your Uncaringness?”
Sombra only saw saw the frozen ponies still standing in front of him. “Explain what?”
Discord shook his head. “I’ll just get this over with; it’s your castle defenses. The lack thereof I should say, because it seems you’re way too much into this daredevil lifestyle. It’s hard to believe you’re the same king who defended your own castle and also thought opening the front doors and making yourself at home in the Princess’ home was the smartest idea.”
“And you’re saying it wasn’t?” Sombra asked.
“Um...NO! You don’t just declare yourself ruler of Equestria just because Celestia and Luna happens to be gone at the moment. This is like a bully playing aggressive tag and using the principal’s office as the safe space, and I feel you should be ashamed for being compared to that.”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “Oh puh-lease. If that wasn’t such a great idea, then why am I sitting in this throne, moments away from my glorious victory, and with the only thing in my way being a judgmental chaotic noodle?”
Discord shook his head. “Nice nickname, but just look right in front of you.” He waved his hand toward the line of angry ponies. “The good guys are right here. They breached your defenses, which consisted of useless guards and random civilians, some of them were their family members, so good job not taking advantage of that by the way, and here they are, ready to turn you into pebbles.”
He gave a confusing shrug. “Do...do you just not care about these ponies killing you again? Did you learn nothing from those security measures and decided to ignore any sort of defense? Is this some sort of sick turn on for you?”
Sombra raised an eyebrow, more in confusion rather than anger. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”
“You’re sitting here pretty on Celestia’s throne with no good defenses, the ponies that killed you the first time standing in front of you, and you still have the peanuts to tell the Lord of Chaos how amazing you are? It makes me think you have no incentives to protect yourself, and come to think of it,” Discord teleported next to the still frozen ponies, “you’re not even attempting to use this perfect opportunity to vaporize these frozen-in-time heroines. So what’s the excuse this time your Time Wastiness. They’re not moving anytime soon, so stop talking to me and kill them already! This is literally a golden opportunity, served upon a silver platter, as the planets align just for you!”
Sombra could only respond with a sleazy laugh. “Oh, why would I do that? It’d be much more fun to see the looks on these fools’ faces when I take everything from them. It’s a simple process where I ruin their lives, show them just how much they failed, have them rot in the dungeons for good measure, and then after all that, I end their lives using a slow and escapable death trap, just to give them a small window of hope that they can win.”
Sombra gave another laugh. “Ha, and you thought I needed advice. As you can clearly see, I don’t.”
After hearing everything he just said, Discord could only give a small nod as he looked at his watch. “You know what? Maybe I was wrong about you, your Greatness. Maybe all you need to be a force of nature is dark magic, and power to spare.”
“Well of course you’re wrong. My method of ruling was always better than those failures.”
“Yep, that’s exactly right. Guess I should take my advice of learning from mistakes, adapting to new heroes by any means possible, and knowing your limits to effectively using your strengths and weaknesses to somepony else.”
“Exactly!” Discord then opened his dimensional door and stepped right in it. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, my time is up, and I should get back to the future before time starts to resume.”
Sombra gave a double take at that last line. “What…””
“Oh, and Sombra?” Discord opened the door enough to face the king one more time. His eyes suddenly turned serious as he menacingly glared with a venomous vibe. “You’re gonna die…ta-ta!” He nonchalantly added, his face appearing friendly and carefree once more.
Without a beat, Discord snapped his fingers and he was gone. King Sombra found himself alone with that parting ringing in his ears. “Wait, what did he just say? What did he do?” Sombra felt the cold in his fur dissipate and replace with a warm, spine-tingling feeling of dread, the heat returning to him. He tried to wonder what kind of omen was that since his future was bright. Equestria would be drowning in darkness, right? Surely there must be some kind of misunderstanding...
“As long as we're together, we will never stop trying to defeat you!”
Sombra looked in front of him to see the six ponies walking towards him, their eyes still burning with determination as they held their hooves together. “For our friends,” said Fluttershy.
“Wait, how long were you standing there?”
“For our families!”
“Didn’t we skip like three steps?”
They all started to radiate with energy as they floated in the air. “For our home!”
“The chaos noodle is still confusing me. Can we take a time out?”
Discord found himself in the middle of his office once again. Holding the watch in his claws, he teleported it away and then propped his legs on his desk. He could faintly hear the sound of high-pitched screaming followed by silence, and the sound of the day being saved once again.
He gave a contented sigh. “Guess it’s true what they say, royalty really are useless in this show.”
There was a long pause before Discord suddenly sat up violently, eyes wide like saucers, a realization dawning on him. “Drat! I forgot to make a Lion King reference!”
“Let’s see, who do we have this time?” Discord started, staring at the clipboard. He gave a wide smile as he realized who was next. “Well, isn’t this a first; a villain from that other world filled with those humans. Twilight told me many stories about those creatures with the gangly limbs, lack of magic, and creepy obsession with children's shows with cute doll lines...I might not be accurate with that last part.”
He then clapped twice as his door opened wide. “Oh well, no time to ponder. Lost villain, come on down!”
The faint voice of a teenage girl could be heard through the portal. In a few seconds, the girl stepped into the room, oblivious to her new environment. “I dunno Twilight, it’s been over a year since the Fall Formal and I just want to sit this one out. Yeah, I know I’ve done all this good for CHS, but I guess I don’t feel...comfortable attending it.”
After another few seconds, Sunset gave a sigh. “Look Twi, just go and spend time with the girls, no reason to have me sour the mood. No, I am not being ridiculous! How would you feel if we had another Friendship Games with Crystal Prep? Sorry...that was a low blow. Still...I can’t...just…huh?”
Sunset finally realized the change in setting, having gone from the calm city streets to a strange office with various random knick-knacks, which made her tense up and wonder what kind of Equestrian magic this was...until she saw the smiling new creature who was casually waving at her.
“Yeah Twilight? I’ll have to call you back, I’m going through a tunnel. A tunnel with surprisingly good reception...” Ignoring her friend’s pleas, she hung up the phone and placed it back in her pocket. She longingly stared back at the grinning draconequus. “The Lord of Chaos Discord, I presume?”
“You presume right Sunset Shimmer. I must start by commending you, you’re definitely the most calm guest I’ve had so far. Shouldn’t you be freaking out or cursing and incoherently screeching at the sight of me?”
She shook her head. “Maybe I should, but after dealing with enough powerful magical artifacts and high school drama, you sorta just get used to this kind of stuff. Plus Princess Twilight already gave me the rundown of your reformation, so I knew you weren't anything to really be scared of.”
Discord scoffed, “Well, I guess that’s another thing I can blame her for...” He then brought out his chair and another for Sunset. “Anyways, why don’t we talk for a minute or two? I’m sure you have some time to spare for a little interview.”
Sunset scratched her head. “An immortal deity of disharmony pulls a mere human into a pocket dimension just to chat? Well, it’s a first, but what is this even for? Are you a part-time therapist now?”
“Nope, I’m just your friendly neighborhood draconequus willing to hear out a former baddie. Though, if you’re looking for a therapist, I’m sure I can introduce you to this lovely wolf fellow in Ponyville. His voice is like a symphony for the soul.”
“A talking wolf in Ponyville? Sounds unlikely.”
“Really, that’s where you draw the line? Oh never mind,” he quickly pulled out a chair for Sunset and two cups of tea for themselves, “let’s get to know each other. Despite my immortal status, I do have a soft spot for redemption villains such as yourself. I see that something’s been troubling you for a while, and I see it as my sworn duty to listen to your woefully woes. So how about it, want to shimmy along Shimmer?”
Sunset wondered what this was all about. Twilight told her enough to know Discord was still a massive troll despite the reformation. Still, there was a part of her that felt that if he was willing to listen to her, maybe it’d be nice to vent. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt, right?
Discord nodded as he brought out a small clone of himself who rolled out a bigger tray of teapots and mugs. He poured tea in both cups before giving a bow and disappearing. “Not even a little bit,” he said, gesturing her to sit.
Sunset gave a small hum as she sat down and looked up to the reclining creature. “Well, if you really want to know, Canterlot High is having another Fall Formal, and my friends want me to go with them. Unfortunately for me, the Formal’s also the anniversary of when Princess Twilight stopped me from turning into a she-demon and...trying to take over the world. Still can’t believe I did all that.”
“Ah, yes,” Discord pondered as he pulled out a replica of Twilight’s Element of Magic, “your devilish Fire Princess cosplay when you took the crown, complete with hypnosis and your very own demon entourage. Not your best look, I must say.”
“Tell me about it...” She took the mug of tea and took a sip before continuing. “And now we’re having another one and my friends want me to join them. I’m all for having a good night with my friends, don’t get me wrong, and I know the school forgives me for what I did and would want me to attend, but…”
“You don’t want to go back to the place that reminds you of your past...is that right?”
Sunset looked up to the smiling creature in surprise. “Yeah, exactly. You seem to know a lot about my past, don’t you?”
“Well it’s not like your plan to become a princess and rule Equestria is a secret anymore. Or original,” he then snapped his fingers, and the crown he was holding turned into his remote. “However, the best part of being humbled by the Princess of Friendship is becoming the newest main character. Your own movies, music videos, and rabid fan base? You have a lot to be proud of!”
Sunset gave a confused stare, “Wait, I have what now?”
“Still,” Discord lowered his voice to a saddened tone, ”it seems like you still hold some regrets after all the day-saving you’ve done.”
Sunset looked down. “I, uh…yeah, I do. As much as my friends want me to celebrate with them, it’s kinda hard for me to casually go to the party that reminds you how much of a bitch you were to the whole school.”
“Yes, yes, I suppose that would be the case. A redeemed villain like you would want to avoid any reminder of your past. All the jeering, pointing, and let’s not forget you own league of baddies who’re against your friends.”
“You got that right…”
Discord shook his head. “Well, I for one am proud of your achievements, as should you. In fact, I can prove to you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to going to that Autumn Amusement. I just have one question.”
“I guess I could give it a try. What’s your question?”
“So all I want to know is...are you stupid?”
The two were just sat there, quietly, the only sound being the wind that somehow blew through the room. It wasn’t until after a long moment of thinking did she thought of the only eloquent response.
“WHAT THE HELL!?”
“What? It was just a question,” Discord responded, ignoring the outburst, “it’s a simple yes or no question: are you stupid?”
Sunset angrily stood up and pointed at the host. “Is this just some kind of joke? Of course I’m not!
“In my defense, you do make it rather difficult to tell. You see, I’ve spent all this time convincing myself that a blast from the Elements of Harmony can make those who regret their actions smarter, allowing them not to make the same mistakes twice.”
“Really?” Sunset asked, a little less pissed than before. “I’m sure Twilight would’ve told me something like that before.”
“It’s just a rumor, and the only excuse I have to justify you having the most idiotic, unorganized, and most baffling evil plan I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing. You must be the worst villain I’ve ever seen!”
“The WORST! You made those Shadowdolts and Not-So-Glorious look like genocidal dictators, and they had less screen time than you, so what’s your excuse?”
“Oh come on, I wasn’t that bad of a villain, and even though I’d rather not try to defend my bad past, I can say I was at least a threat.”
Discord shot forward to look directly at Sunset. “You wanna make that bet?”
The girl looked back and forth. “Uh...yeah?”
“Very bad choice!” Discord exclaimed, springing back into his own seat. “Well, well, how should we start. Oh but of course!” He clicked his remote and footage of Fluttershy getting hit in the head with the crown before picking it up. “You see, Princess Twilight was really adamant about stealing back her own magic macguffin and leaving the human world...you know, the standard goody-two-shoes stuff. You, on the other hand, had no reason as to not simply bust in the school late at night and steal the thing for yourself.”
Sunset crossed her arms, sitting back down in a huff. “Of course I had a reason! Not only did I not know exactly where it was, but I can’t exactly sneak around a school with janitors or security cameras all over.”
“Didn’t stop Twilight from turning the library into her dream bedroom,” he said, changing the picture.
Sunset could see Twilight and Spike sleeping on a bed made of books, much to her bewilderment. “Wow, really Princess? Ok fine, maybe I could’ve just taken the crown and leave, I’ll give you that, but that doesn't mean I didn’t give Twilight a harsh time.”
“You mean a bad time with your walking high school cliche of an attitude? Because that was some Grade A minor irritation.”
Sunset nearly stood back up in defiance. “My attitude!?”
“Yes, attitude!” He started to show various pictures of Sunset, showing her attacking Fluttershy, Snips and Snails, and just about anyone who got in her way. “What? Did you learn all your intimidation skills from those rich, stuck-up blondies with a mean streak in those teenage musicals? I’m surprised you didn’t wear pink, talk on your phone all day, and make daddy dearest solve your problems.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Are you calling me a stereotype?”
“Well, if you are really curious, take a look at this,” he said, handing her a small document, “check the first trope on your list.”
Sunset took the paper and read it out loud. “Academic alpha bitch, chosen wannabe, your little dog too, bitch in sheep’s clothing, and etcetera etcetera....” She quickly skimmed down the list before throwing it back on the desk. “To be fair, I’m in High School. If I was to be taken serious back then, I had to act like a bully.”
“Aren't you like Twilight’s age? Aren’t you technically an adult?”
She gave a slow, unconvincing shrug. “It makes me more...evil?”
The draconequus raised a brow then pressed a button which activated a glowing sign above him that read, “NOPE!”
Sunset threw up her hands in defeat. “Fine, I guess I didn’t have to be a bully. That propaganda video was more of a low blow anyways. Still, what about everything else I was able to pull off? Destroying the gym and making photo edits to make it so Twilight did it?” She took a second to realize what she just said. “I should not be proud of that...but you get the idea.”
Discord leaned back into his chair as he placed his hands together and took a real deep breath, then exhaled. “Ah yes, that. The crème de la crème of evil schemes. Here have some of this.”
Sunset’s mug suddenly grew got bigger and was instantly filled with more tea. “What’s this for?”
“Because we’re going to be here for a while,” Discord said as he chugged his mug down in an instance. He carefully set it back on the desk then clapped his hands. “Ok, so, let’s break this down a bit. Your evil plan involved you making these photo edits to make it look like Twilight ruined the Fall Formal right?”
“Yeah?” She said taking a sip. “Go on…”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s a barbaric yet effective set up. I’d ask how you do it, but I’m not one to go into the logistics of photo editing in the human world. Plus it’s not the how that matters, it’s the what that matters.”
Sunset took the mug in her hands. “The what?”
“As in, WHAT were you thinking!?” Discord burst out in rage as his head literally blew up. The room shook as the books from the shelves fell down, as well as the many objects from the walls.
Sunset dropped her mug to cover her own head. She looked up to see the host drink another sip, his head having returned, before continuing. “You mean to tell me that a smart cookie like you thought that printing out pictures from a phone, then doing some arts ‘n’ crafts to make some bad incriminating photos, then destroy the whole gym without a SINGLE person noticing, which is the only impressive thing about this fiasco, mind you. THEN you hand them to a vice-principal who must’ve conveniently forgotten everything you’ve ever did, so Twilight can be disqualified and you can win the crown by default, was the best idea you could come up with? All that overly complicated effort just to be ruined by some Chad who found your evidence in a trash can. YOU PUT THE EVIDENCE IN A TRASH CAN!”
He quickly drank more before continuing, “But the worst part is that even if that did work, what would you do? No Fall Formal means no contest for the crown, which means you might as well just STEAL THE CROWN!”
Sunset, for her part, was thinking about how confident she was in that scheme for Twilight. She did remember telling Snips and Snails that they should’ve restrained themselves when it came to trashing the gym. She almost wondered if she was just really lucky, or everyone were really dumb. “Ok fine, you got me. My plan was shit and I’m bad at planning evil schemes.”
“Yeah I mean, you’ve been there for a few years, and you honestly mean to tell me that you misunderstood what it meant to Cut and Paste when editing a photo? I live in a magical fantasy world and even I know how to Photoshop.”
She rolled her eyes as she reached down to retrieve the mug, which was surprisingly still intact. “I guess I was more focused on humiliating Twilight and getting the crown...but what about when I finally got the crown?”
Sunset looked up and suddenly noticed Discord’s excited grin, and it was at this moment that Sunset knew, she fucked up. “Wait, can we skip that...?”
“Don’t touch that dial kids, because Sunny with a chance of bacon is here with the worst final boss we’ve ever seen!”
Sunset was about to get up and leave, before a desk and a plate of bacon fell in front of her, stopping her in her place. She gave the draconequus an irritated glare. “Come on Discord, do we really need to go over that? You’re starting to sound like I have some sort of...phase or something....” She looked to see a disgusted stare. “What?”
He only responded by forming scrapbook in his claws, opening it and pulling out a picture before throwing it at Sunset’s face.
“Hey!” Was Sunset’s response. She took the picture and saw that it was the form she took when she put on the crown. She gave a repulsed grimace. “Bleh, actually forgot I looked like that.”
“I know, you look like a safe for work succubus...or Halloween costume from the 80s...at least that raccoon angel was a slight step up.” He took back the picture and burned it up in his hands. "Questionable design choices aside, that’s the least of your worries. It’s true that all that power had gone to your head, because it also took out any semblance of that clever and conniving trait you established. Let’s talk about your coveted teenage army,” he paused for a moment to give her the stink-eye, “I repeat, your TEENAGE army.”
Sunset gave a nervous cough as she tried to smile. “Well you know...when life gives you evil demon powers, make evil demon zombies?” She gave up her smile as Discord gave her a bigger scowl. “Well it felt like a good idea....”
“The ONLY time the words ‘teenage army’ should ever be used in a villainous sentence is if the words in between were ‘mutant’ and ‘ninja’...along with whatever animal that won’t get you in trouble with copyrights.”
“BUT,” Discord interrupted once more, “let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that your plan did work and our heroines died in a blaze of glory. Sunset wins, ‘Fatality’, Equestria is all yours for the taking. Guess all that’s left is for you to travel through the portal, face off against the royal guards, the rest of the main six, and the other Alicorn Princesses, including a peeved-off Mama Alicorn who thinks you deserve a good spanking. You basically would have lost after you won.”
Sunset felt utterly stunned at this revelation. “That...was something I didn’t think of…”
“Also did you really think a teenager could destroy a statue with a sledgehammer?”
“ALRIGHT, I GET IT!” Sunset yelled in an rage-fueled outburst. She could feel a headache coming around as she sat back in her chair. She took a deep sigh as she looked down towards the floor. “For Celestia’s sake, you must’ve been waiting moons to chastise me like that. Though, I can’t help but feel like I deserve it for all the trouble I pulled, and the idiotic plan I somehow thought was good.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that...” Discord made everything return to normal in an instant, going back to the chaotic office. “Sure, you’re villainous career was as mediocre and petty as jealous revenge schemes can get, but maybe it’s for the best.”
The now calm girl looked up. “Huh?”
“Sunset Shimmer, silencer of sirens, savior of nerdy counterparts, and the unrequited perfect wife of men and women everywhere. Saving the day from Equestrian magic is no small feat, and your compared to your villain career the hero business is booming. Shame there’s no profit in this.”
Sunset nodded. “Thanks, but me being good doesn't really excuse what I did...wait, what was that about wif-”
“Au contraire, my dear,” Discord snapped his fingers, cutting Sunset off before she could finish her question, as a radio appeared on his desk and a somber acoustic guitar tune started playing. “Sunset, some of us aren’t meant to steal crowns, rule schools, or transform into snaggle-toothed baddies. Some are just troubled souls who need a friend to talk to. Ponies who really aren't doing this for nefarious motives, but to fight back against a world that treated them unfairly.”
“...I used to think Celestia was holding me back from my potential,” she said with a sigh, “that I needed that power to prove myself…”
“Sunset,” Discord solemnly said, “you never needed to be a princess or have a better status symbol, because you have proven yourself to be better than that. You’re a great friend, and an even greater hero, and believe when I say, that’s a better power than any magic crown could’ve ever given you.”
The fiery-haired girl smiled, feeling a tear stroke down her eye before wiping it away. Before she could say anything else, Sunset felt something on her thigh vibrate. She reached into her pocket to pull out her phone, seeing that Twilight was calling her. “What the…”
“Seems you’re friends have impeccable timing don’t you think?” Discord pointed out with a wink. “I don’t suppose you know what to do.”
Sunset hesitated before finally answering the phone and putting it on speaker. “Hello?”
“Oh, finally you answered!” Twilight immediately started. “I’ve been trying to call you back ever since you suddenly hung up. Is everything alright?”
Sunset glanced up at Discord, who just nodded before looking at her phone. “Yeah Twi, really sorry about the sudden hang up, got caught up in the middle of something.”
“Oh, alright then,” there was a quiet pause before Twilight continued.,“well, me and the girls were just about to head to Rarity’s to pick out our outfits. I know you don’t want to go to the formal, but we’d still like it if you came.”
Sunset chuckled. “Actually Twilight, think you could tell Rarity to fix me up a new dress? I think I’ll need it.”
She heard Twilight gasp. “You mean you’re really going?”
“Yup,” Sunset stated proudly, “guess I’ve been overreacting for no reason. Sorry about that.”
“No worries Sunset, we understand. I’m so glad you’ll be going! See you at Rarity’s!”
“You too Twi.” She hung up the phone then looked up to see Discord give out a small applause. “I guess I should thank you Discord. Without you, I’d never have it in me to go to the Fall Formal. Could’ve gone without the sass though.”
Discord started reclining in the air. “That’s called tough love my dear. I’m not the spirit of kindness.”
“True,” the girl stood up from her seat and gathered her things, before walking towards the exit, “well, I better head out so I can get to Rarity’s on time. If I come back to Equestria, I’ll be sure to stop by your place .”
“Thanks, but before you go there’s something missing from all this.”
“I need to end on a joke at your expense,” he responded, snapping his fingers as suddenly Sunset found herself covered up to her head in a big glob of ketchup and mustard. “Honestly, I never got the bacon hair thing. That’s clearly the condiment style you’re rocking.”
Disgusted at first, Sunset immediately started laughing as she dug her way out the pile. “I guess at least this’ll make for an interesting story with the girls.” She opened the door and stepped out to the void. “Later, Mr. Therapist.”
Discord sighed as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “Hoo boy…this whole villain interview business is getting tiring. Makes me wonder why all these guys would want to take over such a peaceful land...” He said before a hand puppet of himself started to speak in front of him. “Hello pot, I’m the kettle!”
Discord scoffed, “Fine, fair enough. Anyways, who’s my next victim?”
The puppet pulled out a tiny clipboard and stared at it. “Let’s see. After Sunset, Twilight and her friends had to fight off our plunderseeds, but we can’t really get much conversations out of seeds, and we already know we’re the perfect baddies.”
“No doubt about that!”
“So we’ll need to skip ahead to the villain after that,” the puppet flipped his notes before seeing the next name, “Tirek, would you come through the door please?”
“Ah yes, Tirek,” Discord’s ears perked up the moment he heard that name. “TIREK?! That lowdown, magic-eating beefcake’s not allowed in my office. We’re skipping that one.”
“Sorry boss, but he’s the Season 4 finale villain and a fan favorite. They wouldn't like it if we skip over him. Besides...I already invited him in,” the hand puppet sheepishly said.
Suddenly, large steps reverberated behind the door, before being followed by heavy knocks on the door. The door banged again as a big meaty fist rammed through the door and dragged it’s way towards the knob, where it gently turned to open it. The door then fell down to pieces as Tirek squeezed his way through. His imposing entrance brought Discord and his puppet to the floor as they stared up to the new guest.
Tirek stifled a laugh as he stepped forward, his voice dripping with venom. “Well, well, if it isn’t my old friend Discord. Aren't you glad to see me again?”
“AAAAH,” screamed the Discord puppet, “IT’S SATAN!” If the tension in the air was a bubble, it was definitely popped by a chainsaw, as Tirek was too busy being confused to be intimidating. “Satan? Who in Equestria is that?”
The two Discords looked at each other then back at Tirek. “The... other big buff red guy with horns who also lives in the most evil place in the world.”
“Never heard of him,” he said with a shrug. “In any case, I had a feeling you would call me for your little villain tea party sooner or later. You should be happy I’ll take any moment to get away from those neanderthals I call partners.”
Discord popped up at his desk chair. “That’s nice T-Rex, but I’m running a professional show here, and while you are certainly a bonafide villain, I’m afraid you’re in a No-Jerk Zone. So I must kindly ask you to leave the premises.”
Tirek crossed his arms. “How can I leave, isn’t there some kind of rule where I can’t leave without hearing your diagnosis or whatever drivel you told Chrysalis.”
“I have no idea what your talking about,” Discord said with his arms behind his head, “there’s no way I’d place a ridiculous rule like that for the sake of covering up a major plot hole of why the guest can’t just leave my domain.”
“Wait, I thought that was exactly the reason why we did that rule...”
Discord’s eyes grew as big as plates as he slowly turned to stare right at his tiny puppet. His pupils dilated as an inferno flared in his eyes. The puppet gave a small innocent grin and shrug.
“I should've made a sandwich instead of making you!” Discord yelled as he opened a small door and launched the puppet right through as it screamed in terror. “Well that’s well and done with. It’s hard to get good biased help these days, wouldn’t you agree?”
Tirek gave an uncaring hum as he made his way to his chair. A chair that proved too small for him as he easily crushed it to pieces with his hooves. “I suppose you didn’t prepare for my arrival.”
Discord rolled his eyes as he popped up a new and much bigger chair for the centaur to sit on. “I’m more surprised you were so eager to come to my show. I’m guessing the big bug lady gave you a special invitation and you just had to attend?”
“More like she came and warned us for any doors leading to an annoying draconequus. Although, it took us a while to get that message...seemed she had a magic-immune muzzle that made it hard to get the damn thing off. We had to go out and buy scissors thanks to you.”
Discord started snickering at the idea of that reeing bug struggling while blades snipped all over her muzzle. “Sorry, but that’s what happens to my very rude guests. So unless you want me to turn your horns into a clothesline, I suggest we be civil about our disagreements.”
The imposing monster gave a confident laugh at what Discord just said. “Please draconequus, I have no need to antagonize you...at least for now. Although, I am interested to see what great bad guy wisdom you have for me. After being stuck in a swamp for so long waiting for this so-called right moment to strike, I’d like to sit back and see you try to defame me.”
For the first time today, Discord gave out an excited smile at the prospect of finally getting to the good part. “Well, I’m glad you asked, T the Wrecker, ‘cause I got plenty to say about your total takeover.” He then brought out a red file that was relatively large before opening it. “I got everything on you right here; so much dirt I could dump it all over you and turn you into a daisy!”
“Why is it so small?”
Discord made a confused face before looking at the file that held only a few pages of paper. He curiously took the pieces and stared at them. “Huh, that’s peculiar. I swear I had an encyclopedia's worth of dirt on you. Maybe I misplaced it all with the Celestia dirt I save for blackmail.”
“Or...maybe you have nothing on me fool!”
Discord gave an unruly glare at the monster. “What did you say?”
Tirek shrugged with a laugh. “I remember my tyranny far better than you apparently. Why, I came the closest to ruling Equestria with my own power. All of Equestria was left magicless, and Princess Twilight was rendered helpless as I absorbed the magic of all four Alicorns.”
“I guess I can’t deny that,” Discord reluctantly said, “out of all of those other losers, you came pretty close to ending the show early. Too bad you stopped at the finish line to kiss your biceps. If anything, you should be lucky that Twilight never thought to hit your very obvious weak point.”
“My weak point?” Tirek wondered.
“You know, the weak point where that arrow is directly pointing at your-”
“NO!” Tirek immediately yelled out, interrupting him as fast as he could, “That is not my weak spot.”
“Are you sure? The arrow is really obvious looking there, and if you were to have a weakness, it would be right on your-”
“Stop! Just Stop! That “arrow” is just how my fur naturally shapes itself! It is not a weak spot, and it never was!” Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose. “You have no idea how many times I’ve had to argue about this to my brethren back home. We aren't in any kind of game trickster.”
Discord took a glance at the non-existent camera before looking back at Tirek. “Foreshadowing moments aside, there’s still the fact that you lost. Believe me, I was there to see how all that raw magic went to your biceps as you turned those poor trees into charcoal.”
Tirek groaned, “You would remind me of that. Grogar spent an entire day lecturing me about that slip up. Made me take a test on it too...” His tone lowered a bit, “What are the do’s and don’ts of attaining unlimited power? Going for a test run or eliminating your enemies in an instant? OF COURSE I KNEW THAT ANSWER!”
“That’s an idea I’ll have to steal for myself,” Discord pondered to himself, “be that as it may, I’m sure you don’t have some major excuse that would make up for wasting your time destroying nature and not committing genocide.”
“Oh, you see, the funny thing about that is I actually do have a pretty good excuse for all that. According to Grogar, there’s some sort of incurable, contagious disease that all villains suffer from. Even you have shown signs of having it back when you first fought those ponies way back.”
Discord raised an eyebrow. “Really...and what disease would that be called...?”
Discord did a double take the moment he said that. “I’m sorry, but...plōt?”
“That’s what he said, plōt.”
“Grogar said it was plōt...?”
“Do you want me to say it a third or fourth time?”
Discord waved his hands around in a flurry. “Well, what in blazes is plōt supposed to be?”
“Apparently it’s a disease that affects villains and only sometimes heroes and forces them to make the most ridiculous decisions, even when they’re about to grasp victory.” Tirek crossed his arms in annoyance. “I wanted to burn those ponies to cinders, but because of plōt, my attention was focused on those damned woods and it led to my defeat! You see how it works now?”
Discord brought up his finger in order to retort, before retracting it and placing it under his chin. “That should not make sense, but now that you mention, it does explain all the other poor decisions I’ve seen baddies make on a daily basis.”
“You see? I’m not so much of a bad villain as you think I am,” he said with a snide glare, “let me ask you this draconequus, is a villain who managed to escape Tartarus, trick the God of Chaos into betraying his friends, backing the Princess's into a last-ditch plan, stealing all the magic even from the said chaos god, and was only stopped by some bullshit box he didn’t even know about really that bad at being a villain?”
Discord hummed deeply as he rubbed his claw on his chin. He then noticed his hand puppet slowly rise next to his face. “To be fair, he does have a point.”
Discord rolled his eyes as he brought out a vacuum and sucked the puppet back to wherever it was. “I suppose I should give you some credit. Getting defeated by a deus ex machina is a pretty telling sign that the ponies (and the writers) were desperate to find a way to beat you. So...why are you even here?”
Tirek gave a small chuckle. “When I realized that I would eventually come here on your show, I figured I could show your audience that their fan favorite noodle isn’t so great after all.”
The trickster raised an eyebrow. “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Tirek?”
“I’m referring to your own failures as a bad guy. Grogar told us every detail of your plan, and while it impressed me somewhat, I see that plōt was worse on you.”
“Oh really...and your gonna do my job for me? Well, I’d like to see that...and I’m not giving you my clicker, because it’s mine!”
“I won’t need it, I memorized your failures for occasions like this. Let’s see...you played around with your opponents like they were not a threat.”
“Like any God would,” Discord commented.
“You gave them a fighting chance to get their elements because for some reason you had some sort of moral code.”
“I’m not a complete jerk.”
“You did nothing in your infinite powers to even attempt to destroy your opponents and just played around like a child.”
“Well, it was working so far.”
“And even after the ponies returned with the elements in tow, and clearly way more confident than the last time they tried it, you decided to lazily sit on a throne and watch. Even after they launched the magic friendship blaster, you still did nothing!”
“Okay that is definitely my bad,” he admitted, “I really wanted to see those girls fail again and I was super bored. So now my next question is, what’s your point?”
It was finally Tirek’s turn to be totally confused. “What do you mean ‘what’s my point’? I’m trying to prove that you act all high and mighty about yourself when all you were was a weak-hearted fool who does nothing but play childish games to hide the fact that you’re a lonely idiot who can’t hide his ego!”
Discord blinked. “Sounds like the work of plōt to me.”
“...You sassy bitch...” Tirek deadpanned,before taking a deep breath. “So...what now? Did we learn anything from this? The whole point of this dumb show.”
“Um...try to find the cure to plōt?”
Tirek lowered his arms in defeat. “Yeah, I figured as much...” He made his way towards the door, knowing already that it was now an exit. “I’m getting out of here.”
“See you at the finale old partner!”
Discord felt the door slam reverberate all throughout the office, and yet everything managed to stay in place, as he shrugged it off without a care, “Oh well, guess that’s the end of that. I should probably get to the next villain, while I’m here, but first…” Discord snapped his fingers to form a random object into a different location. “I’m about to end that centaur’s whole career. Puppet!”
The puppet popped up once more and waved. “‘Ey boss!”
“Get my big black boot!”
“Hey, look Chrissy, Tirek is back!” Cozy Glow exclaimed with enthusiasm.
The now curious Chrysalis followed the voice of Cozy, who was pointing at a door leading to a dark portal. From there emerged the stocky Centaur out of the now disappeared door. “You two,” he said with a smirk, “here to welcome me? You shouldn’t have.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes at the aspect. “Don’t care. What happened back there? Has that accursed draconequus done anything to you? More importantly, did he do anything that would give me another migraine?”
“As it turns out, Discord is just as much of a coward as when I first met him,” Tirek said with a smug grin. “He brings up his own ego by bringing down others, but when the shoe’s on the other hoof, he can’t do anything but quiver!” He then gave a hearty laugh. “And you were SO afraid of him, pathetic.”
“Don’t get too overzealous boy. Even if that’s true, I wouldn’t go about saying all that to an immortal god of chaos. He could be hearing this whole conversation at this very moment.”
“Oh golly geeze,” Cozy exclaimed with her hooves on her cheeks. “If that’s true, then we should be very careful about what we say next. Hey Discord! If you can hear me, I think you’re a pretty neat guy and Fluttershy is best pony!”
“Will you two shut it!?” He bellowed before giving a groaning. “I don’t want to hear another word about that idiot until after we destroy him along with those ponies. Besides, what is he going to do if he finds out? Annoy me to death, wrap a muzzle around my mouth, or cover me in condiments? I DARE him to try something.”
“Does that mean we shouldn’t open that door that appeared just now?”
Chrysalis and Tirek followed Cozy’s hoof that was pointing at a small door that suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. Chrysalis felt her fight or flight instincts kick in as she shined her horn at it, right before Tirek cantered towards it. “What are you doing fool?”
“Answering the door,” he said nonchalantly, “I won’t be intimidated by a child in an old coot’s body with the power of hacks. I’m going to teach him a lesson.” He walked towards the door, staring at it for a little while, before he heard two definite knocks. He hesitantly asked, “Who’s there?”
Suddenly, a big black boot blasted through the door and was kicked straight into Tirek’s crotch, causing him to keel over onto the ground. He immediately covered his area as he groaned in egregious pain. It took him several seconds to catch his breath before he could speak again, in a hilariously high pitched voice. “That limp-dicked bastard, he kicked me in my weak spot!”
Chrysalis, trying her best to stop her guffawing, got closer so she can hear much clearer. “I thought you clarified that you had no weak spots. Apparently you were wrong.”
“THAT WAS A TACTICAL BLUFF!” Tirek screamed like he had a tiny head. “No one was supposed to think that’s my weakness!”
“It’s hard for ponies to not think that when you clearly have an arrow pointing to it,” Cozy Glow nonchalantly shot back.
He could only respond with a squeaky growl. “Discord! I’m going to kill you and then kill you again!”
“Will you three keep it down!?” Grogar suddenly yelled out from another room. “I’m trying to get some sleep, and tell Cozy Glow to just put some ice on it, this isn’t a hospital!”
The office was empty and quiet. Nothing was out a place, which was ironic for the lord of chaos. It was so peaceful that if you were too focused on the serene environment, you wouldn’t notice the incoming sound of a screaming draconequus. Unless you did now.
Discord slammed right through his own roof like a burning meteor made of fireworks and brimstone, destroying everything and rendering his room an ashy wasteland. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and the on and the only thing injured was the chaos lord that was currently laying down, heavily breathing.
It took Discord a whole hour to register himself until he snapped his fingers and everything was fixed in an instance. After several minutes of more heavy breathing, he was finally able to get up onto his chair and contemplate the events that transpired.
“Well, that was a trip and a half. Who knew twisting reality and time to suit your own needs so your talk show can still stay relevant wasn’t such an easy thing to do? I’m going to need another hiatus after this...”
Smiling, Discord snapped his fingers as his clipboard appeared in his claws. “On the bright side, all of my space-time shenanigans means I can get to the rest of my guests without worrying about that dreaded continuity. I just wish I can make agents who are better at scheduling.”
Discord, I'm howlin' at the moon, and sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon Discord, whatever did we do to make you take our world away?
“Huh, now who could be calling my phone? Also, I should really update my ringtone, that song was so 2012,” he looked at the caller ID, then gave an exasperated smile, “well, speak of the draconequus, it’s my agent!”
He clicked on the phone. “You’ve reached best villain, Discord speaking.”
What followed was a series of incoherent babble that no one in the room would ever have the chance to hear. Discord’s smirk transformed into a face of annoyance.
“Well of course this was all necessary! You told me to reset things under any means necessary, and I did. No need to worry about any leftover tears in the fabric of space, I’ll fix them later.”
More incoherent babble.
“Well you had responsibilities to attend to, all that dreadful college work you wouldn’t stop yammering about. Not your fault you couldn’t get this story done before the finale. Trust me, this is what all the big boy authors do.”
Even more incoherent babble.
“Am I sure? Kid, you’re a 22-year old college student who can’t leave his house before triple-checking if his fridge is shut. If anyone were to really care about the continuity of a fanfiction in regards of show canon, it would be you.”
I assure you this is riveting dialogue.
“No worries my good man. Just be sure to get ahold of yourself and do your best no matter what. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have interviews to get ready for and you have to prepare for my interview. Also, tell that short friend of yours to stop calling me about Tirek. I don't care why he couldn't use Unicorn magic, he's still a loser. End of story!”
Discord hung up the phone and breathed a sigh of relief. “Glad that’s over with, I hate translating babble. That junk is harder to understand than Russian!”
He then snapped himself a new suit and brought up his clipboard. “In any case, we can get to scheduling my next guests. At least if there is one thing we learned from this, is that I always was a goat. The Greatest of All Time!”
“Well, finally some variety!” Discord exclaimed as he looked on his clipboard. “We got ourselves a three for one deal here. That’s three times the faces I can help and humiliate. They’re even from the human world…huh...”
Discord gave a small frown as he read that last part, then shrugged as he snapped his fingers for the door. “Well at the very least anything would be better than Celestia’s successful reject. You three can enter when ready.”
Discord suddenly felt a presence that he was all too familiar with. An annoying presence that he knew meant his newest guests, who were currently arguing against one another, were going to make this chapter headache-inducing to him. “Oh this again,” he sighed as he snapped his claws, “there we go. Why don’t you three just roll right in...”
As he said that, a red carpet rolled right into his office as human paparazzi appeared down the lane, cheering on the guests. Three girls came strolling down blowing kisses, waving or making rude gestures at the crowds. They screamed louder as they stopped and struck powerfully sexy poses.
“Thank you! Thank you my lovely adoring fans! You’re all too kind!”
“Be sure to take plenty of pictures fellas, especially of my cute side!”
“HEY! Keep your greasy hands behind the rope. Dumbass manchildren!”
Discord gave a coy smile as he stared at the three girls obediently and unwittingly stepping in his office. “Hmm, using mind control and illusions to force the sirens into my office,” his grin disappeared for a bit, “this sounds like something past me would sadistically enjoy. Oh well.”
He snapped his fingers to slam his door shut which broke the three girls out of their trance. They stopped in their place, reeling from the hypnotism. Rubbing her eyes, Adagio was first to see where she was, and was immediately livid. “What the? Where am I, and where are my adoring fans!?”
“Your adoring fans?" Aria spouted next. "Always have to be about you, huh? I didn't see those hairy man-babies clawing at you."
"Well, duh, Ari," Sonata playfully interjected, "they were all too busy taking pictures of my cute side. You know how hard it is to do that?”
“Pictures of you!?” The two yelled back at Sonata.
It was at this point that the three started bickering among each other again. What started as a debate on who's the most popular turned into incoherent babble. It was at this point that Discord wondered how these were the most dangerous villains of the human world. “Then again, I suppose it’s quite easy to outclass Giant Plant Girl, Giant Movie Girl, Social Anxiety Girl, Phone Camera Girl, and...why are all the girls so evil in that world? What was I doing again?”
“THIS IS WHY STARSWRIL NEVER FUCKING LOVED YOU!”
“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Discord reached under his desk and pulled out his patented trademarked airhorn, the Siren Siren™; available at your local chaotic dimension. Just press the button and…
The piercing screech got the girls attention as they covered their ears in pain. Discord giggled at the suffering and raised his voice to get their attention. “Alright Spice Girls listen up. I’m starting a ‘No Arguing’ policy because I don’t want this interview to go longer than it should. You ladies understand?!”
All three sirens were transfixed on the strange creature. They all had the collective feeling that they were no longer in the human world anymore. “Uh girls,” Sonata whispered to her sisters, “who’s the big scary dragon man?”
“That’s not a dragon,” Adagio said as she quickly realized who was in front of her, “it’s Discord. The ancient lord of chaos. I always thought you were only a legend.”
“Oh believe me my skeptic siren, I am very much real, and I am quite the legend,” he said as a glorious fanfare of trumpets started playing, hailing the chaotic draconequus.
“What’s a Discord?” Sonata asked.
Glorious fanfare stops.
Aria piped up, “He’s just some old coot who thinks being annoyingly random is the epitome of comedy. Was sort of a big deal way back before those Alicorns put him in his place.”
Adagio smirked, “Ah, yes, you’re right. That was when I realized that legend or not, you wouldn’t be a threat, giving me all the confidence I needed to take over Equestria! Thanks for that O’ Mighty Lord of Chaos.”
Discord looked at the three divas in front of him. “Alright, so let me see if I can get this right off the bat,” Discord proclaimed as he pointed to each of the three, “gorgeous one, stupid one, one with daddy issues.”
The three looked at each other with a bit of annoyance. Until Sonata spoke up. “So does this mean I’m the one with daddy issues and Aria’s the stupid one?”
“Screw you Sonata!” Aria yelled, “And screw you old geezer! Don’t act like you know me!”
“You’re both the stupid ones!” Adagio yelled out, stopping the two from arguing again as they huffed. “Ugh, just the sound of your voices are the most stressful thing! I really hope I’m still immune to those older human features like crow’s feet or…” she momentarily shuddered, “gray hair!”
“Whatever you say, Three Muskateers. Anyways I’m glad you three managed to take the time out of your busy schedules to come to my office. I’m sure ever since your defeat all those (five) years ago gave you so much time to bond.”
“Tch,” Adagio groaned, “you of all creatures should know what we’re doing nowadays. After all, why else would the lord of chaos call the three of us.
“Well, looks like I should refer to you as the smart and gorgeous one,” he said with a bow.
“Thank you, but I don’t take kindly to baseless flattery. There’s something you want from us that you’re willing to waste your time to get from us. So why don’t you get this over with so we can leave faster...”
“Smart, gorgeous, and with a spice of cattiness? Gosh, your subordinates must be so lucky to have a leader of many talents.”
“Oh yeah, we’re so lucky,” Aria pointed out, “seriously though, can we leave already? We’re supposed to get more microphones before we get to our next show.”
“Wait a minute,” Sonata said as the gears started turning in her head, “that doesn't sound like Sugarcube Corner. Aria you lied, you said we were going to get ice cream!”
“Well sometimes plans change Sonata so I better not hear any complaining.”
Sonata stared right at her and leaned towards her dour sister. “I. Hecking. Love. Ice cream!”
Discord shrugged as he snapped his fingers and an ice cream cone appeared in his hand. “Here you go deary, your favorite.”
"Blueberry cheesecake brownie?"
“With rainbow sprinkles!” He said as he poured the confetti from his fingers.
“OH BOY!” She said taking the frozen treat and giving it a taste. “What a relief. My tongue was burning extra spicy ever since I accidentally used that super hot sauce this morning.”
Adagio groaned, “If you’re not going to enjoy the spicy taco sauce I buy, stop asking me to buy it and get your own!”
“And now that we got our obligatory Mexican food reference out of the way, let's say we talk about you three and the one-hit wonder we call a villain role.”
The three sirens stared at each other in confusion before three matching chairs appeared right in front of them. Hesitantly, Adagio nodded towards the two to sit as she stood in front of Discord’s desk. “I don’t suppose you’re referring to our encounter with Sunset Shimmer and those Rainboom brats, are you? When we failed to take the magic from the school and our gems shattered?!” She exclaimed as she slammed her fist on the desk.
“You might want to be careful Mr. Dragon,” Sonata whispered, “it’s kind of a sensitive topic.”
“Now, now Hex Girls, I’m not here just to bring up past failures,” he brought out his trusty remote as the projector came down, “in fact, I would go as far to say that you were quite successful at the antagonist role.”
Discord pressed the button and the trio instantly saw themselves on the projector. Footage of them enthralling the student body was followed by the Rainbooms struggling to play during the Battle of the Bands as Sunset lies in sadness. Discord gave a toothy grin. “Such vitriol, so many bridges burnt to ashes. There was so much chaos, I could feel it dimensions away.”
Aria and Sonata looked at each other, wondering what exactly this creature was talking about. Their thoughts, however, would be silenced when they heard a quiet, yet wicked giggle turn into a howling laugh. They turned to see Adagio clutching her sides at the sight of the Rainbooms humiliation. At first, the other two began to laugh as well, savoring every moment of their triumph over Sunset and her friends, but after a couple minutes, Aria’s and Sonata’s laughter died down as Adagio was still going.
Sonata whispered to her sister. "Should I tell Dagi that I didn't think it was that funny?"
"Maybe do that after she croaks from laughter."
Adagio didn’t hear the two, and took a moment to wipe a tear from her eyes after a few more minutes of giggle fits.“Oh ho, such a nostalgic memory. I must’ve forgotten just how miserable we made those brats back then.” She then noticed Discord’s baring grin, then quickly silenced herself as she looked straight at the host. “Though, it seems that wasn’t the only reason why you brought us here, was it?”
“Exactly Leader of the Bunch,” he said as he pressed some buttons on the remote, “despite how effective your endeavors were, I can show you several reasons why you three lost. And no, It’s not because you weren’t the leader Miss Grumpypants.”
Sonata tried to suppress a giggle as Aria’s scowl stared her down.
“Here, let’s take a look at this,” he changed the footage to show all the students arguing with each other as the Rainbooms looked on in worriment at the conflict, “Now I love chaos as much as the next draconequus, but there’s times where you need to be proactive. Sitting back while all these schmucks argue is not very proactive.”
Adagio rolled her eyes. “Oh please, why lift a finger when we can let angry idiots do all the work for you?”
“Besides, what you think we were supposed to tell them to do?” Aria chipped in, “Have them annoy the Rainblossoms to death?”
“Well, it’s not like you made them do much to begin with. Other than Photo Finish, Snips, and Snails who ruined their first performance, everybody else was just competing like they would have normally. Didn’t even do anything the other times they went on stage.”
Adagio and Aria looked at each other, realizing what he meant. “You know, that makes a lot of sense Mr. Dragon,” Sonata pondered as she looked at the leader, “why didn’t we force the student body to attack the Rainbooms?”
“Because that wasn’t a part of our plan Sonata!” Adagio raised her voice in frustration. “That was to keep the negative energy flowing while the competition ruins those friendships. Getting involved would only complicate things.”
“Yeah, but wouldn’t it have been nice if we got that Flash guy to hit his little girlfriend?” Aria boasted as she received concerned looks from the other three in the room. “What? Not like that’s the worst thing we could’ve done to those girls.”
“Well whatever sinks the ships Dodrio,” Discord went on to play more footage of the battle. “Also, of all the easily influenced teenagers to get on your side, you chose Trixie?” Discord turned to the screen then looked back at the trio. “You chose her to be your trump card?”
“Ugh...I know right?” Aria exclaimed. “Yeah, I get the whole ‘get them out of the way and ruin their friendship’ schtick, but it’s so boring. Why couldn't we break their legs so we’d really be sure they don’t mess with us?”
“Because your plans too violent you barbaric oaf! ” Adagio yelled, far too annoyed in this back and forth. “All of your plans are the equivalent of putting a spotlight-sized target on us! With my plans, we can simply sing our songs and watch the puppets destroy themselves. If anyone decides to go out of place, we punish them.”
Aria scoffed, “And it’s totally an amazing strategy, until the time it wasn’t.”
“Oh yeah, sure, go ahead! Let’s go and have everyone kill each other like rabid dogs in pointless violence that doesn't benefit us. And while we’re at it, let’s get some weapons and threaten those brats. Nothing said ancient beauties like ‘murder’!”
“This coming from a siren with a fetish for sadism?”
“I do NOT have a sadism fetish!”
“I think Discord should show us that comedy clip again, for your sake I mean.”
“Ok, listen here you little shit…!
Meanwhile, Sonata could only look at the draconequus as the two were still arguing. “Honestly, I kinda just go along with whoever since I can’t come up with good plans...and I don’t like being alone.”
“Understandable,” Discord gave the blue siren a pair of really dense earplugs. “Say, could you put these in your ears for me?”
“‘Kay Mr. Dragon!”
She did as she told, as Discord pulled out his patented trademarked Siren Siren™️ and…
The two older sirens cringed at the ear-piercing sound. They immediately turned towards the draconequus in outrage. Discord ignored their ire as he threw away the siren and took the earplugs out of the blue siren. “Alright you two, break it up. It’s clear that you three suffer from a case of bad team synergy.”
“Team synergy?” Adagio exclaimed, “You mean we’re bad teammates?”
“That’s right Team Rocket.”
“Hey!” Sonata yelled, pointing at the draconequus, “That’s not right!”
“But seriously, if you three can’t work together to beat up some highschoolers, it’s no wonder you failed. The grumpy one wants to be in charge of everything, the leader thinks she’s right and every opinion is wrong, and Sonata’s too busy being cute to be useful.”
“Eh, the fanboys seem to be alright with it.”
Discord continued, “I’m sure finding a compromise between being in the front lines and strategizing in the background. If you three can agree with one another and learn to compromise, it’ll be pretty hard for any magical girl to stop you a second time.”
Adagio took a moment to understand what he was saying. She felt like the plan worked out perfectly, that it was her leadership that almost brought them success. Though if it really was something as simple as listening to her sisters...it wouldn't be the worst advice she ever received. “So, is there anything else you would like to share with us Lord of Chaos?”
“Well it just so happens that I collectively like you more than the last several bad guys, so I’ll give you one tidbit of advice that will make any potential revenge scheme a breeze. Doesn't that sound fantastic Adagio and the Pussycats?!
“Okay seriously,” Aria interrupted, “is this like your gimmick or something? Just gonna call us different names to piss us off huh?"
“I have no idea what you mean Aria Blaze it.”
“...When we walk out of here, I’m going to have Sonata draw a picture of you, and I’m going to stab it. With a fork.”
“Enough of this!” Adagio yelled. “We’re not leaving until he tells us what we need!” She looked up at the chaos god in need, “So what is it? Tell us this advice!”
“You didn’t lock the door.”
There was a long omnipresent pause as everyone in the room silently stood still. The trio looked among each other wondering what was next, as Adagio rolled her hand. “And…?”
“Wha-...oh no, that’s it. You guys just forgot to lock the door. Next time don’t do it again.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Aria vulgarly asked.
“Footage don’t lie,” He proclaimed as he focused at the moment where Spike the Dog was able to open the door thanks to a familiar DJ. He looked back at the three and saw a mixture of confusion, rage, and a feral combination of the two. “Now, before you get mad about this development, I have my siren on stand by. Also, to be fair, those girls tried to push open a pull door...so at least you’re not that stupid.”
Sonata looked like she was stuck on a long division problem.
Adagio looked like she was visibly disappointed at a child.
Aria looked like she was ready to strangle the twisted bastard who wrote that plot. “I WILL-”
Adagio quickly laid her hand on Aria before she could explode, in an attempt to calm her down. It surprisingly worked as she reluctantly sighed and crossed her arms. The leader then looked right at the draconequus’ eyes. “Thank you Lord Discord. I believe it’s clear that if there’s anything I was right about, it’s my idea of quitting this pointless endeavor.”
“That’s the spirit...that I will need more elaboration on.”
Aria reluctantly grumbled and explained, “Adagio realized that if we’re stuck here with crappy voices and no magic, we’d might as well try to make an honest living until something happens. I don’t like it, but it’s better than mindlessly pursuing revenge.”
“Aw, come on Ari,” Sonata interjected, “don’t be mad. Didn’t we have so much fun touring in our van? Travelling to so many cool places and becoming the front-runners of all these concerts with the magic of vocal processing.”
“Still doesn't count as magic Sonata!” Aria yelled.
“...But you did find it fun, right?”
“...Yeah...it was pretty fun, I guess.”
Adagio gave a small grin as she looked between her sisters and her host, “As you can see, Discord, despite what happened to us years ago, we’ve been able to bounce back and move on without our magic. We don’t need some sort of rematch with those girls.”
Discord felt more confused than he liked to admit. “So what...this girl posse is just going to give up? No backup plan or searching for a new magical toy? Not even a super villain team-up like we do here?”
Adagio shook her head. “Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see those brats writhe in agony for what they did, but we’re fine where we are. Not like we can do much anyways.”
“And that’s the part where I mention that I see a second chance in your near future. It just so happens that you three had a chance encounter with the Rainboom.”
Adagio’s eyes opened wide and she stood straight up at the mention of that. “We...did?”
“How the hell is that possible?” Aria asked. “We haven’t seen them since the battle of the bands. You telling us we met them again?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right,” he snapped his fingers and the footage on the screen changed to show Sunset and Pinkie Pie encountering PostCrush. “Long story short, magical artifact from Equestria gave two has-beens the power to turn back time and Sunnybuns was stuck in a day-repeating time loop.”
Sonata gasped, “Just like that movie with the groundhogs!”
“Attagirl,” he said, patting the siren on the head, “anyways, in one of those repeats, she saw you three performing that repetitively good song, thought you were behind the spell, you laughed and said you didn’t, and went on your merry way. If you ask me, you three got totally gypped. Red-herring roles are a fate worse than cancellation.”
“Magical artifacts from Equestria,” Adagio pondered, “so those rumors are true.”
“What is it now…?” Aria growled.
The leader grinned like a fox as she looked at the host. “I’ve heard rumors from the school brats about a girl that turned giant, or a human that looked like Princess Twilight that gathered a ton of magic and became a monster. I never believed something so baseless, until you gave me some clues.”
“Oopsie, slip of the tongue. Guess that means I shouldn't mention how magic is everywhere in Canterlot City, and finding it is just a matter of it finding you.”
“And you’re telling us this...why?”
“Well it’s certainly not because I’m bored and the author desperately wishing you three become antagonists again. Whatever gave you that idea?”
“That’s a good question,” Adagio deadpanned, before turning to her sisters, “I think I’ve had enough of Mr. Dragon here. We’re leaving.”
Aria breathed a sigh of relief as she headed for the door. “Finally, something I can agree with!”
Sonata, meanwhile, turned between both her sisters in worry. “So...does this mean we’re back to being the bad guys again? ‘Cause like, I’m alright with that if you guys are, but I’m also not.”
Adagio shook her head. “Like the draconequus said, the magic will come to us,” she then gave a faint smile, “and I figure when that day comes, that’s something we should decide on together.”
“And that’s how Adagio learned the true meaning of friendship!” He said as he wrapped his arms around their shoulders. “Now that we have that all resolved, we can get to more important matters. Like is that whole “shoo be doo” song a racially insensitive thing or a national anthem?”
Adagio stared at the draconequus, “No.”
"What about a re-branding for your comeback. I was thinking of something like The Misfits or The Stingers, or are those names too obscure of a reference?”
“Yeah, we’re leaving.”
Adagio followed her sisters as they exited through the door. Sonata gave a small wave goodbye and Aria flipped him off as the door closed behind them.
Discord gave a small contented sigh, “Well there goes those gems. Now that I think about it, I should probably make sure Sunset and the gang have some sort of contingency plan for potential revenge schemes. Oh well, I should get back to my list. Gotta see who’s...wait...their names were The Dazzlings?! What a terrible name....”
“Hey guys, I found a big package under my bed!” Sonata excitedly called out. “And not the kind Adagio has under hers.”
“Give me that you idiot!” Adagio demanded. “Who the hell sent us this?”
Dear Three Stooges,
Good luck on your future endeavors! Here’s a little something that’ll help you gain some much needed immunity. A small token of appreciation from me to you.
“Oh great, it’s from the old doofus,” Aria groaned, “so what’s in that damn thing anyways?”
Sonata opened the box and instantly gave the biggest smile she ever mustered. “Oh BOY!”
Adagio raised an eyebrow. “Well what is it?”
That question was answered by the rhythmic sounds of Sonata playing with her new Siren Sirens™️ as it was drowning out Aria’s screeching and Adagio’s groans of anguish.
"WITH A FUCKING FORK!"
Star Not-so-Bright (also Trixie’s here for some reason)
“Wait, you serious,” he asked looking at his board, “I need to do her next?”
Discord looked again at his clipboard before looking at the papers on his desk. Lifting them up he was annoyed when they all read the same message:
STARLIGHT GLIMMER IS NEXT YOU DINGBAT
Discord groaned. “Look I know she’s the next big bad girl, but I already get enough screen time with her as it is. Can’t I just skip this and move on to greener pastures?”
A brick from nowhere was thrown at his wall, creating a large hole.
“...Well, if the fans demand it, who am I to deny them?” He snapped his fingers and the door appeared in front of him. “Alright, let’s have a nice lovely chat that doesn't involve blasting me with anime lasers.”
The door opened slowly as Starlight Glimmer trotted in, carrying a few books in with her magic. In the split second she realized where she was, she almost slipped over her steps and was now floating in midair along with her books. She looked up to the smiling draconequus and sighed. “Discord? You’re not still mad about you not being a teacher at Twilight’s school, are you?”
“Meh, that season’s old news anyways...” He snapped his fingers and Starlight was in a chair with her books neatly stacked next to her. “So Ms. Guidance Counselor, how’s your day going? Learned any new powerful world-ending spells or hypnotized any friends to do your work?”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Not since last Saturday, but I see you’ve been pretty busy yourself doing...whatever you’ve been doing for the past few weeks.”
“More like the past several months, but I’m sure as heck not counting. Anyways,” he snapped his fingers and his therapy stuff appeared, “we both know that Twilight Sparkle will get her royal upgrade real soon. So I’ve put together this little show to help her combat all the bad guys. Lucky for her, she has a very useful Unicorn to help out with that.”
“So...what,” Starlight pondered, “you expect me to have some sort of villain guidebook ready to give to Twilight?”
“I was thinking more about reliving your past trauma and mistakes. You know, something you seem to be very used to.”
The mare scrunched her face at the mention of that. “You know, I fixed up that spell I used on you before. I can now banish you from dimensions if I wanted to.”
“Ooh...I’m so scared, or I would be if you weren’t in my humble abode. Here you can’t blast me, enslave me, banish me, or send me through infinite time loops.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find a counterspell that,” but to her surprise, Starlight heard Discord give a fit of laughter, “...what's so funny?”
Discord gave a toothy grin. “If there’s one thing I like about you Glim Glam, it’s that overpowered magic of yours. You make dimension shattering look like magic kindergarten homework. I’m surprised Twilight managed to defeat you way back then!”
“Well to be fair... she made a pretty good case for accepting friendship over literally ending the world.”
“She sure did, world saving’s kinda her thing. Which is why I want to get to the nitty-gritty of the matter, and with you here, I have all the time in the universe to discuss this one-on-“
Suddenly the two heard heavy knocks on the door, which was followed by a loud and irritating whine. “Staaarrrliiight!!”
Starlight was first to shout in surprised curiosity. “What in the world was that?”
He groaned. “It’s our featured uninvited guest. Might as well bring her in so she doesn't do anything stupid.”
He then snapped his fingers as the door swung open and Trixie came in, kicking the door open and flourishing her cape. “Starlight! Remind me to tell Twilight to place a map in this castle, because it’s a Celestia-forsaken maze!”
“Trixie, you don’t even live here.”
“Well, as your best friend, surely I deserve some compensation for…” Trixie slowly turned towards the taller figure and squinted her eyes. “Oh, it’s you.”
Discord crossed his arms. “Well well, if it isn’t the Blue Pony Phoney.”
“Glad to see you too, Klutzy Draconequus,” she said with a roll of her eyes. She took a moment to look around her new environment. “So is this where you spend your time when you’re not being annoying?”
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose then popped right next to Starlight. “Do I have your permission to wrap a muzzle around your friend?”
“Does The Great and Powerful Trixie have your permission to turn him into a teacup?”
“No and no,” Starlight deadpanned. “Trixie, what are you even doing here?”
“And more importantly,” Discord interrupted, “how did you get into my pocket dimension without my say so?”
“I walked in.”
“Because I placed a spell on that door to make sure Ponies can’t just teleport...oh...walking? Huh, guess I don’t usually account for simple solutions.”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Anyways, The Great and Powerful Trixie desperately wanted to ask her Great and Powerful assistant Starlight for her help with my next show. So I followed Starlight through the door and now I’m here. Now that we have that established, we are leaving this dumb room so we can work on my magic!”
Starlight groaned inwardly. “Trixie, as much as I said I would help you...no!”
“But Staaarliiiight! You promised you would assist Trixie with any spell no matter what!”
“Yeah, any spell, but I make a hard pass on any trick that involves me tied up on top a trap door over a vat of piranhas. I don’t care how fast you can teleport now, we’re doing something else.”
“Oh puh-lease. You’re just scared that I’ll botch it up like that redheaded amateur with that silly hat.”
“You still never told me how you got your hooves on that thing...or what a visual novel is.”
“Or why you’re wasting my time referencing a game with a poor excuse of a teddy bear,” Discord annoyingly interrupted. “Look, can we get back to me making fun of bad villains of the unicorn variety?”
“Making fun of villains?” Trixie pondered before turning to her friend. “What is he planning this time, and why do I already hate it?”
“Apparently he’s doing a thing where he’s talking to the villains of Equestria to help Twilight. Says he wants to learn from Equestria's greatest adversaries or something like that.”
Trixie’s eyes lit up for a moment as her curiosity piqued. “HA! A villain you say? Well I suppose I could provide you with my experienced wisdom.”
“What wisdom?” Discord asked plainly.
Trixie stepped on her hindlegs and proudly pointed to the draconequus. “If you want a villain to assist in this pointless agenda, who better than Princess Twilight Sparkle’s former eternal rival; The Great and Powerful Trixie!”
Bright fireworks went off behind the magician, blinding the other two in the office and thankfully not catching anything on fire. “Where did those even come from?” Starlight wondered out loud.
With a flourish of her cape, a velvet stool appeared right behind the magician, and she took her seat. “So draconequus, any questions for moi?”
Discord took a second to register what she just said, before spitting out a load, uncontrollable laugh at the magician, banging his fist on his desk before falling out of his seat and shaking his legs.
The two unicorns looked at each other in that way where they both knew that it was going to be one of those days. After several long minutes of this, Starlight finally spoke up. “Uh...something hilarious Discord?”
Discord took a moment to get his bearings and return to his chair. “Oh ho, I’m very sorry ladies. It’s just that...imagine Trixie being a serious threa-” Discord got back to his giggle fit, bursting into laughter once more, as he started slamming his desk until all that left was dusty chips.
Trixie angrily pouted as she stood up and stomped her hooves. “Discord, how dare you mock Trixie and her villainous wisdom!”
Discord immediately stopped laughing as he heard her. “Oh, you were serious...let me laugh even harder. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Trixie scrunched her face as she yelled louder. “Hey Klutzy Draconequus! What’s the big idea? Do you not think that I, Trixie, am the rival of Twilight Sparkle!?!”
Discord had a moment to calm down before he got back in his chair and placed his feet on his desk, which was now haphazardly pieced back together with some strange brand of tape. “Oh, but of course! You are a worthy rival of Princess Twilight!”
Trixie grinned. “Good. Glad you agree…”
“That is, if you don’t count the other more worthy rivals like Sunset Shimmer, Tempest Shadow, Starlight Glimmer, the Twilight from the Human World, the evil Twilight clone Chrysalis made…”
“And then it’s TRIXIE right?”
Discord took a moment to think about that. “Well, to be fair, I’m surprised Moondancer didn’t snap with a backstory like that.”
“DISCORD!” the blue unicorn angrily yelled, “I don’t even know any of those ponies that aren’t Starlight. Do you not consider somepony who managed to beat Twilight in a magic duel a proper villain? I haven’t even been invited to her friend circle until recently, that must mean I left a long-lasting impact on her!”
Starlight took a moment to interject. “You’re sounding a bit too defensive for someone who turned over a new leaf, Trix.”
“Oh, excuse me Starlight, but it sounds like Discord thinks I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, wasn't a worthy villain to Twilight Sparkle; that all the hours I spent getting that accursed amulet and plotting my revenge was all for naught!”
“Oh, you’re a villain alright, just not a super one!” Discord got his remote and dimmed the lights. “Let’s take things slow and talk about the first crime you ever committed. The horrible crime of,” he suddenly gasped, “being egotistical! For shame!”
Trixie scoffed. “This is pointless, you can already see that Trixie’s beginnings were always that of a bad pony. I gave Twilight and her friends a reason to consider me a worthy adversary.”
“Are you kidding me? look at this!” Discord showed Trixie embarrassing Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack on stage as others laughed. “All you did was put on a bad performance and you were made the bad guy. Honestly all of Ponyvilles residents were worse villains. Who boos somepony for a magic show? They might as well start an angry mob for a bad opinion!”
Starlight gave a small hum. “I guess you have a point there Discord. Trixie wasn’t really doing anything, and those two colts were the ones who attracted that Ursa Minor.”
“WHAT?!?” Trixie shouted in anger. “Starlight, how could you?”
“Sorry Trix, just agreeing with the facts.”
“Wh-whatever! Trixie wasn’t even that concerned about her first encounter with Princess Twilight. I was talking about when I found the Alicorn Amulet and took over Ponyville by banishing Twilight. Surely you consider that an ultimate feat of evil.”
Starlight and Discord immediately looked at Trixie with a blank stare.
Trixie could only cough. “Ahem...if you don’t count the other feats of evil like, taking away cutie marks or nearly destroying Equestria, that is.”
“Smart choice,” Discord chided, “don’t get the wrong idea, taking over Ponyville is certainly evil, but that whole ordeal only lasted a day, and all you did was force them to make statues of you.”
“Wait, didn’t your takeover of Ponyville last a day as well?”
“Yes, but I turned Ponyville into my upside-down world of chaos and drove everypony into insanity. You sent them into an early timeout and put Mayor Mare into a cage. So essentially, you went to see Ponyville’s manager, got her temporarily fired, and became the new manager.”
“You know, when you put it that way, kinda makes everything she did feel so minor. Certainly not something I would call evil. He has you kind of pinned down here, Trix.”
“But...but I was Twilight’s first ever rival! I had a whole evil revenge backstory and everything! My deeds should be acknowledged!!!”
“Oh honey, let me put it this way, if the worst thing you’ve ever done is put Ponyville under house arrest, well then you're no better than a recurring Saturday morning cartoon villain. One who appears in the early seasons, gets loved by so many fans, comes back in a later season one more time, then becomes a side character for the rest of the show. The only reason you're relevant being the fans that made you popular through fan-made media and shipping, because it's not like the writers were doing anything with us!"
“I feel like you're getting a little too personal,” Starlight interjected.
“MY POINT is that you are nothing more than a loudmouth with an ego to match. So if you’re done pretending I should put you in stone, for some reason, why don’t you take your seat so the real final bosses have a chat.”
“Why you...you…GRRRAAAAAHH!!!” Trixie gave up the will to argue anymore. She sighed as she took her seat and started grumbling. “I bet my mom thinks I’m a good villain.”
“Don’t get upset Trix,” Starlight said, placing her hooves on her friend’s shoulders, “villain roles are so overrated anyways. Plus look on the bright side, since Twilight doesn't hate us, we get to stay in her house for free.”
“I guess that’s fine...” Trixie grumbled before sighing. “Thank you Star, we’ll think of a replacement trick later.”
“Good. Well Discord, if we’re done bullying my friend, I’m sure this is the part where I tell you something villain related.”
Discord grinned. “Right you are Ms. Purple Pony.”
“Actually, I’m more of a pale light heliotrope.”
“I thought you were pale pink with a purple mane and tail.”
“Nobody cares!” Discord yelled before clearing his throat. “Anyways, I must admit that I’ve been looking forward to our little talk. You might’ve had a short-lived villain career, but what a career it’s been!
Starlight gave a nervous laugh at the compliment. “Thanks, I guess? Sorry, but I’ve never really been praised about my villainous past.”
“Well, every villain has their detractors. Bit of an understatement if this fandom is anything to go by, but, even those…’interesting individuals’ can at least say that you were pretty exceptional back then. Why don’t we review what happened to you?”
“Yawn! We already know, you bearded lizard,” Trixie interjected, “Sunburst left Starlight behind, making her hate cutie marks with a passion. She started a cult that got rid of cutie marks until Twilight mucked it up. Then, Starlight wanted revenge by messing with time and preventing Twilight from getting her marks. We’ve been told this story a thousand times. Ain’t that right Starlight?”
The once evil unicorn gave an indifferent glare. “Yes...that is exactly how the story goes, Trix. Thanks for reminding us.”
“That at least saves me the backstory trouble. Which I should add is THE worst backstory I’ve ever heard of!” Discord said before immediately showing footage of Starlight as a sad filly. “Did that doting daddy of yours think mail was too dangerous for his schnookums?” He asked, pinching his own cheeks to emphasize the last word.
“S-stop it!” She shouted as her own cheeks blushed. “First, never call me that again. Second, of course I could’ve mailed to Sunburst, but I was too emotionally distraught at the time to contact him. He was my first friend, and nopony else would make a friend with a freak like me.”
Trixie gave her a sarcastic glare. “Emotionally distraught isn’t the same as being socially inept.”
“See? Even she gets it! And it’s not like you suffered any ‘tragic incident’ or had a ‘troubled philly-hood’ or whatever fan theory someone makes. You...just sucked at communication.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be asking about my villain days? I don’t see how my backstory is supposed to help Twilight.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get to that later,” he then started pressing several buttons on his remote. “Before that, I wanna talk about COMMUNISM!”
Children cheered loudly as the walls turned a bright shade of red and yellow hammers and sickles replaced the framed pictures. A theme of mighty proportions started blaring out the speakers as Discord was adorned in a red militaristic outfit. “Приветствую, товарищ Старлайт. Слава тебе в этот равный день!!”
The two unicorns just stared at each other as they both asked, “What are you saying?”
“Oh yeah, Russian doesn’t exist in Equestria. At least in canon; I’m sure there’s an internet server who’d argue against me. Still, you certainly knew a lot about communism, the ‘greatest’ way to run a village. Aah, If only Mr. Marx and Putin could see you now.”
“I also don’t know who that is. Plus, I’m pretty sure what I did technically doesn't count as communism, since me getting rid of talents and identity is more cultish if anythi-...I’m going to shut up now before I dig my hole any deeper.”
“Eh, if it looks like communism and sounds like communism, it's a bad philosophy kids should not know about at such a young age. Buuut, that’s just a small segway into me talking about your whole ‘equal’ phase. Guess a goth phase wasn’t enough for you.”
“IT WASN’T A PHASE…” Starlight took a breath. “Not important. Still, I guess we might as well get that out of the way. Making a whole town of equal zombies wasn’t exactly a nice thing.”
“I don’t know, The Great and Not-Socially-Inept Trixie can think of worse ways of coping with abandoning friends.”
“And boy is it a bad coping mechanism,” he played footage of Starlight showing off her village to the Mane 6, “so bad in fact that a sentient map had to put a stop to it. I’m not a fan of organized communities, especially those made mentally unstable frauds who used a stick as a weapon.”
“Oooh snap!” Trixie shouted, pointing to Starlight. “Trixie is feeling that burn from here!”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Well...old me just thought cutie marks were evil, and without them, ponies wouldn’t need to worry about who’s the best at something and get dragged off to magic school.”
“And old you wasn’t that much of a perceptive pony. Maybe then she would’ve noticed Best Girl sneaking around to see your secret,” Discord showed footage of Fluttershy discovering Starlight’s real cutie mark, “or the secret exit you so foolishly left open for your pursuers to follow!” He then showed footage of the Mane 6 going upstairs to discover Starlight’s exit. “Two very fatal mistakes, I may add.”
Starlight stared at the footage documenting her folly with a hint of salt. “Can’t believe I pulled off such a rookie mistake. Fluttershy’s one thing, and I might’ve been in a hurry for that second part, but I could’ve gotten away with so much!”
“Don’t worry my dear best friend,” Trixie chided, “you’re still my best, yet incompetent, friend!”
“Takes one to know one, right Trix?”
“Eat a dick!”
Starlight sighed. “So Discord, now that we have that embarrassing tidbit, is there anything else we’ll be debating about from my past?”
“Hmm, that’s a good question!” He pressed a button and fast-forwarded through the footage. “By all accounts, the first round wasn’t all that bad. Besides being a little too comfortable with that disciplinary persona you played with, you did fairly well. However, earlier you told me you weren't a commie, but you really liked the whole, ‘ONE OF US, ONE OF US’ spiel. All you needed was a shade of red.”
“For the last time, Discord, I don’t follow communism. I don’t even care about how I run my village anymore!”
“Plus, Trixie believes red would look terrible on you.”
“Be it as it may, I guess we can skip towards your time trials,“ he pressed a red button on his remote and the projector changed to show Starlight using her time spell in the castle. “I must say, you are quite an ambitious villain. You went from starting a cult to bullying the timeline like it owes you its lunch money!”
Trixie placed a hoof on her chin. “Starlight did tell Trixie that she messed up the timeline big time. Though it certainly couldn’t be that bad, right?”
“You know, Trix,” she said with a nervous grin, “I did leave out some important details, and for good reason. So Discord, you think we coud-”
“NYET!” The room shook with a booming shout. “Sorry ladies, but I’d be remiss if I leave out the time warp again. Starlight had a recklessly brilliant plan, what with tampering with time so Twilight could be tortured by the what-ifs.”
“Well, you know what they say,” Starlight reluctantly responded, “you either dangerously tamper with the laws of time or you go home.”
“As a fellow space-time lawbreaker, I approve of what you did!” He showed footage of Twilight failing to cause the rainboom as Starlight keeps sending her to several timelines. “If I may be honest for a minute, I think stopping Rainbow Dash’s convenient explosion was a stroke of genius. Preventing the heroes from ever meeting? It’s probably the only fool-proof idea those other schmucks have.”
“Uh...thanks?” She said with a shrug. “Sorry Discord, I don’t know if I like being complimented about my evil schemes anymore.”
Trixie groaned. “Oh please Glim Glam, take the compliment! Even I’ll admit that your plan was more diabolical than I would have ever concocted. Although, I’m sure I could’ve come up with an unstoppable scheme. Trixie is clever like that.”
Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Trixie, last week you used a fork to eat soup...then turned the soup into a sandwich because you didn’t want to give the soup the satisfaction.”
“But of course, Trixie’s food is Trixie’s food! I would dare not give it the chance of being better than me!”
“You said that because you teleported all the spoons and didn’t know where they were.”
“And that’s the clever part; Trixie always knows how to adapt!”
“That’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard,” Starlight said flatly before thinking about it, “but it’s not...entirely wrong, so I won’t bother arguing over it.”
“Funny sitcom moments aside,” Discord interrupted the two, “your plan was so brilliant, that it makes it a little disappointed that it all ended with a heart-to-heart.” He then showed footage of Starlight crying and accepting Twilight’s hoof in friendship. Discord shook his head in shame. “You know, normally I’d be disappointed that the whole fiasco didn’t end in some comical explosion, but ending it all with an aerial therapy session? Now I just feel robbed.”
Starlight looked at the footage and back at Discord with a scowl. “Not everything needs an epic showdown, Discord. She just needed to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. Besides, shouldn’t the Princess of Friendship be more...diplomatic?”
“Along with being anticlimactic? Yes, I totally agree. You were breaking the timeline in half! And all that for a heart to heart?”
“Oh step off Discord, I’m not here for your entertainment!” Starlight crossed her front legs in defiance. “Twilight showed me that friendship is worth it in the end, no matter how much it can hurt. I don’t regret taking what she said to heart.”
Discord gave a small grin. “Ooh, quite the independent speech you gave. Must’ve been quite tiring giving that out. Say, you want some water to go with that speech?” He brought out a glass and a random drink dispenser and poured a clear liquid into it, offering it to her guest.
Starlight hesitantly took the water with her magic and inspected it. It definitely looked like water, she thought, and smelled like water too. She took a generous sip before immediately spitting it out. She coughed and hacked heavily in an attempt to get it out.
Trixie on her part was busy patting her friend on the back and angrily looking back at the draconequus. “What the actual fuck you bearded dick, what did you put in that water!?”
“What? All I gave her was water.”
Starlight managed to compose herself. “What kind of water contains alcohol?”
“The Russian kind.”
“I WILL ZAP YOU INTO LAST CENTURY IF YOU BRING UP COMMUNISM AGAIN!!!” Starlight angrily yelled as she crushed the glass into dust with her magic. “Anything else you want to embarrass us with!?”
“As a matter of fact,” the room got darker as the projector was switched with another reel and that started playing, “we have entire alternate universes full of embarrassing moments we can look over...for Twilight anyways. Let’s see what we got here…” Discord skimmed through the footage as he started hopping through each timeline. “We have the timeline where Sombra is at a war with Equestria with his army of mind controlled crystal ponies.”
Starlight grimaced. “Looks rather dark.”
“And rather impossible. That guy is as scary as a chihuahua...and barks just as much, too...” He clicked the button again. “Here’s a future where Chrysalis took over and Ponyville’s a mere tribal village of refugees.”
Trixie gave a disgusted look. “I’ve never been more thankful for Twilight and her friends than I am now.”
“Meh, too green,” he clicked again, “a world of endless night as Nightmare Moon took over and sent Celestia to the sun.”
“Shouldn’t this have been the first bad timeline?”
“Skipping forward now...we have the timeline when Tirek powers-up and just kills everypony; how boring. The timeline where I rule with a chaotic fist; the best timeline. And a timeline where the Flim Flam Brothers industrialize...Ponyville?” Discord’s face blanched. “Okay, real quick, can we talk about how this is apparently the second worst future, and it’s because of these two charlatans! They sang a catchy song, bullied a farmer, and that’s it. Oh, and I hope none of you were expecting an episode with these schmucks, they don’t deserve one!” He added, glaring at the readers.
“And what are you going on about?”
Discord looked at the two confused unicorns who had been watching him rant at a blank wall. He took a moment to cough in his claw, gathering his thoughts. “Sorry about my little tirade there, but I’m sure you get the idea. Starlight’s shenanigans caused a lot of trouble.”
“Twilight told me that each future kept getting worse and worse,” she said rubbing her hooves in anticipation, “but she didn’t mention how bad all of these got.”
Discord nodded. “It is rather terrible. Have you ever thought about how worse this could possibly get?”
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO!?”
Before anypony could react, Discord snapped his fingers and all three of them were instantly transported. Starlight and Trixie instantly hugged each other and closed their eyes. When the sensation was all over, the two felt cold winds blowing onto their fur. When they opened their eyes, all they saw was the desolate emptiness of a wasteland.
Starlight was utterly stunned, and only Trixie could barely say anything. “W...wh...what...happened?”
“The last timeline to exist,” Discord spoke in a deep voice as he sneaked behind the two. “The plants...the animals...every life, snuffed out. A magical war, an undying plague, nopony will know the cause. There are no ponies, there is no magic, and there. Is. No. Friendship!”
Trixie started breathing heavily as the weight of where she was finally hit her. “This can’t be real. This is like some kind of nightmare! Starlight are you telling me this is an actual reality we could’ve had if you were still evil!?”
Starlight lazily sighed. “Apparently. I was going to ask who could’ve caused something like this, but by the time I remembered it...I kind of stopped caring. Not like it really matters anymore, right?”
Trixie laid aghast. “What!? How could you be so calm about this? Look around us! Everything is dead! Which means I’m dead! A world where The Great and Powerful Trixie is nothing more than a faded memory!! How are you not freaking out about this?!”
“Trixie, we’ve had like three near-death experiences at this point. You should be beyond desensitized by this point.”
“I mean, this whole fallout thing is pretty hardcore, but who really cares about noncanon realities? I certainly don’t.”
“Ugh, you’re both insane!” Trixie yelled at the two. “How could I be so dense to think villainy is for me! If being a bad guy means I should be fine with murder, I’ll stick with being a magician.”
“Yes, so you can murder ponies with piranhas and saw-blades.”
“Just shut up and get us out of this wasteland.”
“Country roads, take us home!” Discord said, as he teleported the gang back to his office, along with some leftover dust. Discord groaned as he made a roomba with a tiny Discord riding it with a cowboy hat pick up the trash. “Now folks, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson from this adventure.”
“Did we though?” Trixie asked, annoyed. “Because literally all you did was make fun of us and traumatize me! I feel like I would’ve learned more from Twilight’s boring lectures.”
“Now hang on, Trix,” Starlight started, “I know Discord’s methods are super unorthodox, but we did learn that all this villain stuff is way out of our leagues.”
Discord smirked. “Preaching to the choir, lady.”
“Plus, we’re both pretty lucky to be where we are at the end of the day. I’m the guidance counselor of the School of Friendship, and your magician career has been booming since we became friends. Not to mention, we did become heroes when we saved Equestria.”
Trixie smiled as she flipped her cape in response. “I suppose saving Twilight from the clutches of evil was all I needed to one-up her. Along with having you as my best friend, of course.”
Starlight shared a laugh with her friend. “Well Trixie, I guess it goes to show that with friends like us, who needs a life of villainy?”
“HEY!” Discord interrupted. “As much as I like this Saturday cartoon lesson, only one popular Unicorn gets my seal of approval. So unless you turn orange, I’ll have to ask you to stop right there.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Starlight said as she got up and started leaving for the exit. “Hey Trixie, you want to spend the rest of the day practicing magic and making fun of Twilight?”
“Those happen to be two of my favorite things! Let’s get outta this dump!” Trixie flourished her cape, taking the chair with her, as she stepped up and made for the exit.
Discord clapped. “Well look at you two former villains. Being the best of-” Discord was suddenly zapped by an electrifying shock, singing all his fur off. “I have several questions.”
Starlight gave a snide smile. “I’m standing in the portal between the castle and your office. As long as I’m here, I can do my magic.”
Discord was almost too dizzy to understand what she said. “I see what you're saying...but I still think that’s a load of-” but before he could finish, he was immediately turned into a teacup. “...chamomile.”
“I hate to say it, but Discord looks much more handsome as a teacup...and more bearable.”
Starlight started to giggle. “Good one Trix!”
Discord watched as the two left and closed the door behind them. He sighed, which caused the tea in him to softly bubble. “Well, you know what they say, once you go black tea, you can never go thinking of any good tea puns.”
Discord flipped through the last of his notes. Even after everything that has happened so far, there still seems to be one more villain left. “ I can’t seem to put my finger on it…Just who could this mysterious guest be?”
All of a sudden, like a bat outta hell, the door opened and out jumped a violent ball of white fur clad in black armor. His sharp claws scratched the pristine carpet and the floorboards were smashed under its weight, as a lowly growl was followed by a toothy grin. Getting up to his hind legs, the Storm King let out a lively laugh.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M BAAAAAAACK!”
“Hmm, guess we don’t have any visitors today,” Discord shrugged without a care, “oh well, time to hit the sack!” He snapped out of his office as the lights turned to black.
“H-hey! Now wait just a minute!”
The lights came back on as Discord appeared to see his new visitor. “What is it sir? Can’t you see I’m closing up shop here? What do you think this is, some kind of talk show?”
The yeti looked at the host with a confused glare. “Talk show? What the hell are you blabbering about?”
Discord rolled his eyes as he took a seat in his chair. “Never mind. May I ask, what you’re doing here my good sir? My door was closed and I’m not one for walk-ins.”
The Storm King saw a big chair on the side and haphazardly brought it towards him to sit. “Well that’s kinda the thing man. One minute my traitorous assistant got me petrified by my own bombs, next minute I found myself down on some pretty nice carpet, and a killer headache!”
“Killer is right,” Discord whispered.
“So now I’m here, no sign of my army or any of those pretty pansy ponies. I’ll admit, I’m pretty lost at this point.”
“Well, that is unfortunate my hairy friend. Maybe you’ll find your purpose once you walk out of my office.”
“Whoa there man!” Storm King exclaimed, “I can’t leave! The door back there won’t even open!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, suppose that’s my fault. I made it so whoever walks in can’t leave without hearing my advice, and since you're here, that means that your villainous career could use a little improvement.”
“Advice?” The white beast exclaimed as he shook his finger, “Nuh-uh man. The Storm King’s got this whole evil thing down to a science. It’s all about overwhelming your enemies ‘til they cant fight back. Worked pretty damn well...until that last part. ”
Discord eyed the newcomer closely, his tiny telescope getting all that furry detail. “You’re quite the strange one I see. Certainly fit the role as a bright-eyed, curious, and dangerous villain, am I right? Went from stealing candy from babies to stealing the lives from those baby’s parents. Which was fine by you, I’m assuming.”
The Yeti-like creature flashed a toothy grin. “You know it baby! You’re looking at the most dangerous baddie in all of existence; I’m the dreaded Storm King!”
“Who…?” Discord plainly asked.
“You know, the Storm King! The conqueror! The ruiner of worlds! Big Daddy S.K.! Me and my army were the nightmare of all we met as we roamed all of Equestria, crushing our enemies, seeing them driven before us and selling my Storm King action figure with karate chop action to those still conscious!”
Discord hummed to himself. “Now you're sounding a bit familiar. Though, to be fair, I see why I don’t remember you. After all, I wasn’t invited to the movie. Not sure why...maybe I was too powerful, I’d take too much screen time, or maybe one of the writers were nothing but cowards! Doesn’t that sound right, MCCARTHY!? Had to deny me of my first movie role, didn’t you, VOGEL!? Am I not cool enough for your $6 Million movie, THIESSEN!?
“Uh...you alright there man?”
“Oh wow, I am so sorry Stormy. I tend to get like that when the writer wants to voice his frustrations because forums are less funny,” he then got onto his chair and looked through his folders, “anyways, I’m familiar with your actions Mr. King. Ruined a festival, stole the magic from the four Alicorns, and took more than an hour and a half to beat. Quite the record I say!”
The Storm King smiled and crossed his arms. “You got that right, man! I’m sure all of Equestria knows about how I laid waste to those Abyssians, or how I placed those pirates under my heel, where they belonged.”
“Eh, probably not. The comics were not as popular as they used to be back in Season 3. Certainly not enough to be required readings before a movie.”
“Uh...alright…?” Storm King confusingly agreed. “Well, you certainly know about how I stormed Canterlot, captured all the princesses and used their magic to power me up for the storm of the century!”
“YOU laid waste to Canterlot? YOU captured all the Princesses? YOU did all of that cool stuff with your snarky hedgehog sidekick?”
Storm King looked away a bit, puffing his cheeks out in a pout. “Okay fine, maybe I didn’t exactly do all of that...but I was in charge of the pony who did it, so it technically counts as my victory,” he said with full bravado.
Discord took a moment to breathe in deeply. “Boy but hilariously misspelled.” Discord pulled out his projector and a stick he found outside, he then pressed a button and a bar graph was shown on screen. “Now, I’d like to direct your attention towards the graph. Here the blue bar represents you, while the red bar represents that edgy assistant of yours; Tempest The Shadow!”
“I knew her middle name was ‘The’...” Storm King pondered.
“Anyways, this graph represents all the time spent harassing the heroines on their bizarre adventure, and if my math is correct, my data shows that Shadow’s been on screen for about an hour, while your on-screen time has been a very generous...twenty minutes.”
“Twenty minutes!?” Storm King yelled.
“And three of those minutes was spent on the phone.”
“Well excuuuuse me, Mr. Cord. It ain’t easy running a band of marauders and chase some ponies, while still forming an image for myself."
“You know in hindsight, I see why I didn’t remember much of you. It’s not because Ms. TNT had more screen time than you. I mean look at her: black armor, broken horn, grimdark backstory, karate moves and zero guns. If she wasn’t rated PG we would’ve seen some bloody, blackeye-making, horse-on-horse action. And not of the freaky variety...you freaks. Then we have you: a loud-mouthed, arrogant bully who’s literally doing this for the funsies. Yeah you’re a good blend of comedy and intimidation, fit for any movie based on a kids property, but we barely saw your actions. How are we to be entertained by a villain if that villain barely does anything?
He then brought out a large book and continued. “And to add further salt in the wounds, may I direct your attention to the concept art we missed out on. Thanks to The Art of My Little Pony: The Movie; now available where all children's books are sold.”
As he flipped through the several pages of the book, Storm King couldn’t help but whistle at his rejected looks. “Damn, I look good! I was like a lightning wolf and some sort of thunder cloud bat thing?! Not sure about that Cosmos pony, looks like it was made by a sixteen year old who thinks sharp objects are cool...but still, I could’ve looked like these?”
“I know right? And let’s not forget about the small factoid that in said concept art you were drawn to look like well…” Discord coughed in his claws, “I’m not gonna enrage the few people who comment on this story, so let's just say you were drawn to look like a certain...individual in charge of a country with fifty states, and leave it at that.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Look, I am willing to cause discourse and chaos wherever I go, but mentioning the ‘P’ word on the internet is way too much for me. I’m not a psychopath.”
“Alright, alright, fine, but you can’t seriously think the intern’s better than me. I bet I even got a bunch of cool fanart on that one art website, Derviant or something like that!”
“Don’t we all...” Discord shuddered. “Though, you know Mr. King, you talk like you’re a big shot, that you’re the best you are at what you do, but I can assure you, you are no Wolverine. You’re more of a...Sabertooth...or maybe a Kingpin.”
“Are those one of them zodiac signs or something?”
“Marvelously bad jokes aside. You seem to focus a little too much on your image. All this marketing, toys, and calling yourself the best villain. Instead of being in the front lines, you're thinking of what motto to put on your mug!” He then got closer to his ear. “Though, I would choose something like ‘Rules are made to be broken’, and I better get royalties if anyone uses that.”
“So...what are ya getting at?” He asked, getting more impatient.
“Look, buddy. It’s called being an evil-doer, not an evil-planner. When you focus so much on the advertising and your future reign, you lose sight of the present. Why, if you were there to stop the Ponies on their amazing adventure, they wouldn't have gone too far. I know half of them are afraid of lightning anyways.”
The Storm King was lost in thought at the mention of this. “I guess you have a point. I mean, all the merch I’ve made hasn't really gone down with the kids, and it would’ve been nice to have a bigger budget on the minions and weapons department. Probably would’ve helped them not get their asses kicked by cake.”
Discord nodded. “Now that’s evil-doer talk I hear. Strike while the iron's hot, then profit. You're well on your way to making a real dangerous comeback!”
Storm King made an evil grin that turned into a slimy smile. “You got that right Cord guy, I’ll make a new army, get new interns who care about me only, and I’ll even introduce myself this time. It’s about time I take the spotlight again!”
“That’s fantastic. Now get outta here you hairy crazy bum!”
When he left, Discord could hear the sound of the Storm King maniacally laughing at the prospect of revenge. “Look out Ponyland! The storm’s coming back, and this time, he ain’t trademarkin’ anything...besides your deaths! BOOM BABY!!”
Suddenly, the sounds of metal doors shutting reverberated outside the office. Storm King let out a gasp as he felt the room rumble, almost losing his footing. “Uh...hey Discord? Buddy? What’s going on?”
“You see Zappy Man, we kinda have a bit of a, how do I say, continuity quota to keep up. Unfortunately, I’m afraid you still existing is not exactly on that quota.”
“Wait,” he fell onto the floor and scooted away, “what are ya saying?”
“Plus you attempted to turn my Fluttershy into modern art, and I overall don’t like you. At least this is a better ending than the three stooges later on.” He then pressed the red button once again.” Bon voyage!”
“Wait! Can we talk about...huh?!?!” The ear-splitting sound of a rocket being launched into space filled the outside of his office. As he casually started drinking his coffee, the Storm King’s cries were heard as he was hurled outside the atmosphere. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Discord snickered, “Then the dumb yeti man was never heard from again, and we all lived happily ever after. The End!” He then opened his filing cabinet. “Now, that should be the final villain…”
“YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME DICKHEAD!!! DAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOUUUUUU DIISSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRDDD!!!!!”
“Wait, you’re telling me I’m still not done yet?” Discord annoyingly asked no one in particular. “Look, I like a long series with endearing characters and enriching story arcs like the next degenerate anime fan, but we need to move on to new things! It’s been half a year since the author started writing this and I want to go back to planning my retirement. Besides, who’s even left?”
“Well golly Mr.Discord!”
Discord’s fur turned up on edge as he felt a sudden and menacing aura behind himself. It was like he received a message that death was waiting for him the moment he turned around. He didn’t even know how it got behind him when he was supposed to be safe in his office. Ready to embrace the worst, he let go of any fear, and turned around fast as lightning as he saw his new intruder; a tiny girl.
Discord’s brain went blank for a second before he processed the stranger and immediately got disappointed. “Okay, stop! No. This is so dumb!”
Cozy tilted her head, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Look, I accept that this show is for kids and I shouldn’t expect some eldritch friendship-hating abomination, but you? You are the final villain? You are the final baddie that I have to give advice to?”
“Wait, what about Grogar?” Cozy Glow tried to chime in, only for Discord to continue his rant.
“Not some ancient dark magic-fueled tyrant or a friendship-hating mare the bronies will surely have a creepy hard-on for? That’s of age by the way! Heck, I’d even go for a villain from the human world, at least they might have a second form that’s somewhat intimidating.”
“I feel like I came in at a bad time.”
“But nope! Today I’m having a tea party with a pink curly-haired kid with anger issues, who’s best friends with Satan! Well, I guess the show is teaching children to avoid all things pink and cute because they’re secretly psychopaths with knives, which means Cupcakes is possibly canon, AND I NOW BELIEVE THAT FAUST HAS ABANDONED US!!”
“Are you done?”
Discord looked at Cozy Glow waiting very calmly. He looked at himself for a moment before coughing in his claw. He took a seat in his chair and reluctantly snapped in a stool for Cozy to sit in. “So I’m guessing you opened the random-appearing door, Tyrone and Christmas Light told you not to bother, and you still did anyway. You’re not old enough for the rebellious teenage phase you know.”
Cozy gave off a genuine giggle. “Yeah, they did tell me not to come into your pretty office. I even heard them say some nasty things about you that I’m not allowed to say in public, but I just really wanted to visit you Mr. Discord! I thought we could be friends!” She then gave a toothy smile and two blinks from her big eyes.
“Alright, we’re doing this now…” he said in a whisper before sucking in his teeth, “so, Comfortable Gleam, what would a young villainous like you want to know from a thousand year-old devil like me?”
“Well, Mr. Discord…where to start?”
“From the beginning.”
“I figure that since Tirek has the raw magical strength and Chrysalis can shapeshift into anything, I should use my cute looks and ability to make so many friends to help take over Equestria!”
“Now that’s thinking with your tiny child brain.”
“And if we are to overthrow Grogar soon, I would need advice from a great and wise bad guy. And I know that the perfect choice for that would be the one with a thousand years of experience, endless knowledge on how to make ponies tick, and is exceptionally handsome to boot!”
“Very good Cozy, now that’s how you get extra credit!”
Cozy took a second to respond. “Excuse me?”
“Oh I’m sorry, I’m just out of the element,” he said before snapping his fingers, his office turning into a classroom. Cozy was now sitting in a desk, empty desks surrounding her, and Discord was now wearing a striped shirt and tie. “I’ll be sure to send your illegal guardians the tuition bill.”
Cozy coughed. “I suppose I should get to the point,” she then stomped her hooves on her desk. “I want to become better at forcing others to do my bidding; to trick all the dumb ones to betray their friends for my sake. I want the power to help Chrysalis and Tirek destroy Twilight and her stupid friends!”
“Then turn to page 234 in your textbook and solve the following problems. Extra credit if you force the smartest kid in class to do it.”
“Okay this is getting annoying,” she announced, dropping her usual facade, “are you even taking me seriously?”
“Oh, I am taking this seriously, but I’m failing, and I’m sorry. It’s just because I’m so agitated, because there’s this small pink child, who thought she can just walk right in, say some stuff about being my bestest friend, and I can’t think of anything funny to finish this reference. So why don’t we move to the actual funny thing.”
He snapped his fingers and his office turned back to normal. His projector came up for the final time, and the pictures started showing up on his screen. “You're still relatively new, so there’s not much for me to work off, but you certainly are no stranger to crime.”
Cozy Glow started to blush. “Aww...that's so kind of you Mr. Discord. I always thought my achievements of tricking the entire School of Friendship into letting me join their ranks, until I eventually was able to drain the whole world of its magic.”
“Uh...yeah, I heard. Not the most original plan I would say, but certainly a devastating plan. You drained all of Equestria’s magic, sent Twilight on a wild goose chase to get trapped in Tartarus, and I went another season without being in the finale.”
“I...don’t know what spring has to do with you.”
“Oh it’s simple. You were draining all the magic throughout Equestria, and even though my chaos magic is rule breaking, it’s still technically Equestrian magic. In other words; you locked the door between Equestria and my dimension, meaning I was under house arrest because of you.”
Cozy gave a VERY genuine gasp as she clasped her cheeks. “Golly, who would’ve thought that I could trap the spirit of chaos behind doors! That must have been...real torturous.”
“Not really. Turns out house arrest gives me a lot of time to catch up on old things. Did you know that not all anime is trash? Turns out only most of it is trash!”
Cozy Glow was about to ask if anime has all those 'loli-yanderes' Grogar keeps comparing herself to, but realized it wasn’t important. “So...can we get back on topic? I thought I was here to learn something. Oh, and I better learn it sometime otherwise I’m stuck here in your office.”
“Yes, yes, I know my own rules,” he groaned as he snapped his fingers and the projection started playing. It showed Cozy as she put her plan into motion. “Really, your plan was actually fine. Besides not being careful of your surroundings and the tree of Harmony saying ‘NO’ when you almost won at the end, you were on the ball.”
Cozy Glow gave a proud, sadistic grin at the mention of that. “Well, their stupidity made it really easy, but shouldn’t I learn more than just that?”
“I don’t know, maybe you could learn how to not be a failure in villainy in every other sort of the matter.
Cozy’s smile instantly dropped to a frown. "What’s that supposed to mean!?" she yelled.
“Let’s be honest here Coglow, you got the spunk, you have the evil laugh, you have that one bad fanart of you standing above Twilight’s corpse, all standard qualities all popular villains have these days...yet you're missing some of the finer additions. There’s a clear lack of backstory that you desperately need here young lady.”
Cozy’s eyebrow arched at the mention of that. “Backstory? Is that really important?”
“Of course it is,” he said without hesitating, “all the best baddies have the good backstories. Tirek has daddy issues, Chrysalis has performance issues, and I have regular issues. Bottom line, if you want to be popular, you gotta have some reason for hating friendship.”
Discord suddenly got out a pen and notebook. “So tell me Cozy, what’s been ailing you? Did best friends betray you? Fell into a vat of crazy acid? Dark side tempted you despite your master’s wishes?
“Uh...nope, not really.”
“Please tell me you didn’t have your toy choo-choo train stolen from you. That only worked one time with a doctor that already had a plethora of problems.”
“Oh, I dunno about any of that. I just knew that having all the friends in Equestria meant I would have all the power in the world!” she said with a cheeky grin. “Isn’t it that simple?”
Discord gave a disappointed frown at the mention of that. “So you mean to tell me that the reason you decided to be evil is because...you wanted it?”
Cozy looked around herself. “Uh...yes?”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“That’s not a backstory, that’s just you looking at a guy stealing candy from a baby and thinking that was the coolest thing ever.”
“I thought it was pretty cool.”
“The reason for your actions have to come from somewhere, otherwise what’s the point of being another scary child? What about your parents? I’m sure mommy and daddy weren’t winning any awards for teaching moral behaviors.”
“You know, that’s the strangest little mystery Mr. Discord. I actually don’t remember much about my family. I don’t think I ever had any.”
Discord felt like a computer shutting off before being rebooted slowly. “You serious?”
Discord slowly sat down at his desk and slowly turned around in his chair before looking at his guest. “What do you mean you don’t have parents!?!”
She shrugged. “What? Nopony ever brought it up, and it’s not like Twilight or the teachers ever asked me about them. I kinda just...well...never thought of them. Besides, if I actually had parents, wouldn’t they flip their lid if they knew the Princess of Friendship sent their little girl to Tartarus?”
The wires in his mind tried everything to connect. “You can’t just pop in without any parents! That doesn't make sense! You are literally a villain with no backstory!”
“Isn’t not making sense kinda like your thing? Shouldn’t my lack of backstory be really good?”
“Whoa there missy! Unlike you, my ‘no-sense-making’ has class. I may be chaotic, but I’m a professional. My chaotic good/chaotic neutral deeds have purpose, efficiency, and above all else, I have standards. You won’t see me draining magic because I think it looks cool, or teaming up with Satan for the lols.”
“That kinda sounds more like an excuse than an exception.”
“Alright, listen Darla Dimple!”
“Oh boy, haven’t heard that one before...”
"I'm not going to listen here and let the villain trope of 'isn't me acting cute and innocent but actually being a killer psychopath so wacky', make fun of the standards every villain should strive for. The lesson here is to have class, standards, and not be some generic chuckle-schmuck demon lord. Now that your session is over, you are no longer invited to my office!”
“Oh Discord,” she responded immediately, “what are you going to do, kick me out like you did with Tirek and Chrysalis? You wouldn’t hurt a child now, would you?
“Don't worry, I have something much less physically painful for loli-yanderes like you…"
"Oh, you know what that is too?"
Tirek and Chrysalis stared at the sight before them like cats staring at a laser dot. They didn't know how long they were staring, but it was enough to garner Grogar's irritation. "What is going on here?"
"That," they both said in unison.
Grogar glanced at what they were pointing at, only to see Cozy Glow rocking back and forth, clutching her head as she was breathing rapidly. “What’s going on with her?”
Tirek spoke up, “Discord apparently made her look at something called a ‘10-Hour Weeb Cringe Compilation, but everything is spoken in uwu’. No idea what an ‘uwu’ is.”
“She’s been shaking and whispering to herself ever since she got here,” Chrysalis added.
“So...pathetic...so...much...cwinge…” she quietly stuttered.
Grogar groaned as he waved a hoof towards Cozy where his magic flowed towards her. “There, give it a few hours and she’ll forget everything that has happened. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a royal pain to deal with.”
The two villains looked at the old goat leave, turning his back to the still crying filly. Tirek was first to react. “You know, if I had to choose between pulverizing those ponies for defeating us or that bearded snake for annoying us, I’m going after that bastard first.”
“Agreed,” Chrysalis said, “that trickster has humiliated me more than Starlight. Once I get my powers back, I’m going to ram my horn right through his black heart!” She then glanced at the filly who was still shaking in the corner before groaning. “Should we do something about that?”
“No, let’s wait for that to run its course. I’m more surprised Discord has the common decency to not wrap a muzzle around a child.”
“Or kick her right in the-MPH!?!”
Another muzzle was wrapped around Chrysalis and Tirek got kicked in the dick again.
“No, seriously, what are you doing?” Discord asked before taking another sip of his coffee. “The story’s over, I did all the villains, gave them all baseless hopes and advice, and I gave them all fitting endings. I’m not doing Grogar because…”
SPOILERS FOR A FINALE YOU SHOULD’VE WATCHED MONTHS AGO
“...it was me, DISCORD! Then some bell shenanigans happened, I lost my powers, heroes saved the world, time skip happened, finale song was sung, and the bronies mourned their loss. So if you’re not satisfied...what more do you want!?”
As if by clockwork, Discord immediately understood what you were thinking, maybe. “Oh ho ho, I get it. I understand what you're thinking! ‘Mr. Discord! There’s still plenty of other villains to do!’ I hear you shouting like a pompous peacock. ‘What about the other bad guys in the show, or all the villains in the comics!?’ I hear you ask like a curious chimpanzee.”
Discord sighed. “Okay, really, you think I just forgot about them? You think I was going to waste my time on the lowest common denominator of villains? Well, sorry to disappoint all two of you, but I’m too much of a celebrity to do any of that.”
Suddenly, the Discord puppet (yeah remember him), popped up on his claw with his clipboard. “What about the Pony of Shadows, boss? He was the main villain of a season finale, and was the friend of one of the most powerful unicorns.”
“Oh yeah, such a great and endearing villain, a rejected Kingdom Hearts horse, whose friend was a jerk, and wanted to ‘cover the world in darkness’. Whatever the heck that means! He might have looked interesting and all, but the last villain I want to talk to is an edgelord whose name is literally just the word ‘black’...how creative.”
Discord Puppet looked through his papers. “Well, there’s all these other ne'er-do-wells we missed out. They may not be season finale villains, but we might as well talk about them, right?”
“...Do we have to?”
“You know somebody will point it out.”
The draconequus took a deep breath. “Oh, alright then. Look, how about we rapid fire the list of these unlawful degenerates...these dumb idiots that I refuse to talk about.” He pulled down a list of villains and read each of them off at once:
Lightning Dust; Rainbow Dash if she was brasher, stupider, and more boring
Flim and Flam; capitalism jokes are boring and these guys are useless
Diamond Tiara; I already did a pink child
Gloriosa Daisy and Juniper Montage; Poison Ivy and Giganta are my favorite DC villains too
Wallflower Blush; I’m not bullying the plant girl
Vignette Valencia; Instagram was a mistake
Principal Cinch; nothing I do can make her more pathetic than she already is
He threw away the list into the trash. “And everyone else is filler. I do hope that nobody will care if I exclude schmucks like pony Elvis...nobody wants to talk to Pelvis. So there, all done. I never have to talk about them again. We can move on now!”
Discord Puppet looked around the office worriedly. “So...does that mean you don’t want to do the comics nex-?”
“Oh don’t you DARE get me started on the comics! They’re like my worst fever dream when it comes to bad guys. Nightmare Moon but what if she was Rarity, evil water, an apple with a mustache, a bozo actually named Terri Belle, me with a monocle and a hat, and…my ex,” Discord shuddered for a second before continuing, “I bet most of you didn’t even know those losers existed. You want me to spend half a year talking to some static pictures of villains who are never going to be animated? I just want to move on already!!!”
All of a sudden, the door swung open, and the former Princess of the Sun strolled right into the office. “Hello Discord. It’s good to see you once more.” She casually made her way toward Discord’s dask, before materializing a comfy chair to sit on. There was a long pause before Celestia decided to break the silence. “So-”
“Oh please Celestia, don’t even get me started on you, you alabaster, abominable, accident they call an antagonist!”
“You better be, because that Evil Celestia in those comics was like if you read ‘Ruling like a Generic Tyrant for Dummies’, took a test on it, and only passed it because you got the extra credit question: Is black eyeliner evil? Oh, and I wonder if Maleficent has a spare gold crown to go with my SCORPION TAIL?! Are you trying to make my job harder!”
Celestia rolled her eyes as she remembered her evil counterpart. "Her fashion choice really was that gaudy."
"Oh, and let’s not forget about that Original Character: Do Not Steal of yours, Daybreaker, because nothing says ‘compensating’ then copying your sister’s homework. The whole sun motif may have looked nice, but all that was just some bad dream Starlight had, so that wasn't even real. You're like a balloon artist that can make so many animals, but you can’t make a dog and you refuse to learn. So much potential and you deliver nothing but broken promises. Just like real life.”
“Are you done Discord?” Celestia patiently asked. “I didn’t come here for any advice, or to hear your crazed ramblings.”
Discord groaned. “Of course you didn’t milady, but throw me a bone here,” Discord said, his face now looking like a pug, before continuing, “I’ve been in this office for months all for the purpose of entertaining readers by subjecting myself to these nerds. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to talk with these losers!”
“Hey now,” Celestia interjected, “may I remind you that one of those ‘losers’ was my sister and my former student...”
“Why thank you Sunbutt, I’d almost forgotten how bad your associates were at being bad, and before you ask, yes...that was a compliment.”
The former Sun Princess rolled her eyes. “I suppose I should take what I can get from the likes of you.”
“Then there's everyone else I had to deal with. These cheese legged, stair-loving, crotch-pointing, pop singing, communism loving, doormats! Why is it that Equestria is constantly under threat by losers who never stop to think that murder is a viable strategy!? I mean, really! With all the safety nets I put in for the mane six, I barely had to use any of them! Do you even realize how many times they could have actually died, but the ‘villain’ simply chose not to capitalize on their moment of glory!?!”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Good question. What age demographic was our show originally intended for again?”
Discord raised a finger, as though to argue...before instantly lowering it. “Oh yeah...that makes sense.”
“Either way, I just dropped by because I wanted to thank you for all your hard work.”
“Of course! Don’t think I wasn’t aware of your talks with Equestria’s most dangerous villains from the beginning. Although, I’m still baffled by how you brought Sunset and the Sirens from the Human World without reverting them to their original forms.”
Discord sighed as he rested in his chair. “Yes, yes, I am quite impressive. Though, I’m sure you said you would like to be thankful for something right?”
“But of course. All that you’ve done to help Twilight in her transition to the throne has been wonderful, if not questionable. Though, I suppose I’m not in the right to judge teaching methods. I’m sure you would have a field day with how I taught my student.”
“Meh...I’ve seen worse video essays,” he said with a shrug, “still, I’m happy to teach the main character a thing or two about not losing. Especially since you and your sister aren't so experienced in that topic.
“Awwww man!" Puppet Discord shouted as he clapped. "Burn! Burn!"
Celestia hummed. “I suppose you're right on that end. Then again, you're not so experienced in villainous betrayals.”
“Ooooohhhh boy!” Discord Puppet exclaimed.
“Well...let’s just say my genius surprises even me sometimes.”
“Of course, you’re never too old to learn, especially since you’ve been betrayed and tricked multiple times, by the same villains I should add. Needless to say, I feel even you could learn your own lessons too.”
Discord crossed his arms. “Yes, yes. Lessons learned, I’m not as good as I think, keep my ego in check, blah blah blah.” He groaned before leaning over his desk. “Whatever, now that we’re canceled, there’s no need for me to trick anypony anymore. Can’t say it hasn’t been fun though, I made fun of every single loser you ponies came across, and it made for a decently well done fanfiction. I think you and I can enjoy our retirement real soon.”
“That I can agree with,” Celestia sighed, “Twilight and her friends gained a lot of experience over the years, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they can conquer just about anything. Which is why you spent all this time ridiculing past villains all for your own amusement...only to not write anything down for Twilight. That was the point of this right?”
“!” Discord immediately looked at each of his notes thinking he spent all this time writing down actual notes, only to realize that they were nothing more than random scribbles and crude drawings, and half a script of something titled; Secret Script of Season 10. A message on the bottom read 'Immediately throw this in a trash fire at the end of this joke.'
“Huh, I don’t know whether to blame myself or the writer for this...” He said as he threw the papers in a trash fire.
Celestia shook her head. “Never mind that Discord, I’m sure Twilight will be just fine on her own. Either way, I think it’s about time we close this book, don’t you think so?”
“I suppose you’re rig-HEY! WAIT A MOMENT!”
“Hmm? What seems to be the matter Disco-”
Discord cut her off, before taking an accusatory tone. “How did you do that?”
“Do...what?” Celestia furrowed her brow in confusion.
“Don’t play dumb! Breaking the fourth wall is my shtick! How are you doing that? I should be the only one capable of it!”
Celestia shrugged. “Perhaps it is because it would be a logistical nightmare to write this chapter otherwise?”
“...I want to argue that, but you have a point there.”
Getting up, Celestia strolled her way back to the door, only to look back at Discord with a calm smirk. “Oh, and one last thing...you’re grounded for five weeks. Bye.” She closed the door, leaving Discord alone in his office.
Discord looked at his office, and then to the readers. “MOTHERFU-!”