Make Me a Better Villain Dr. Discord!

by Horizon Spark

Queen Off Her Meds

“Alrighty then, with Black Snooty out of the picture, let’s see who’s next on my verbal chopping block!” He snapped his fingers as the door to his office opened up. “Okay lost villain, you may enter when ready.” There was a long moment of silence that made Discord wonder if his guest took the right turn to his office, but quickly followed by a resounding...

“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

It was a screech that was not only ear piercing, but sounded like it was specifically reserved for those uncultured swines who knew nothing about the struggles of the miserable. It was a noise Discord was rather familiar with. “Well...that was a wake up call.“

“I CAN’T STAND THIS SWAMP ANYMORE! I’m sick and tired of sitting here twiddling my hooves and eating cupcakes while those ponies are spreading their friendship disease all over the world. How is it that I’m stuck talking to a log, while Starlight Glimmer continues to breath!? THIS IS UNFAIR!”

Queen Chrysalis growled like an alligator, her teeth gnashing at the air before she tried to compose herself. Taking a moment she was able to gather what little berrings she still had. “You need to calm down Chrysalis, you’ve been through your own hive betraying you, you can be calm about this little setback...then again, considering how you’ve been acting lately, calm is the last phrase I’d use to describe you.”

Chrysalis looked behind her to see where the voice came from. It took her quite some time to fully register what was going on, but once she realized who it was, she felt even more agitated than she was ten seconds ago. “Discord!? Why you miserable, ridiculous, long-necked, cowardly, stupid, wretched, ingrateful, piece of shit!”

Discord blinked twice. “...And how was your day honey bunches?”

“Terrible!” Chrysalis responded, now far less hysterical. “And it’s much worse now that I’m looking at your repulsive face again.”

“Well, hopefully we can make it all better and calm those nerves of yours down with some nice, soothing coffee.” He then took a seat and snapped his fingers, making a coffee machine appear. “How does black coffee sound?”

“I’d rather drink arsenic...” She deadpanned.

“Hmm, I don’t seem to have that flavor...let me see if there’s any in the pantry.”

“Forget it!” Chrysalis yelled out before turning around and opening the door she came in. “I refuse to spend another second in this drab room with the likes of you! I’m out of here!”

The door closed hard, shaking the entire room and nearly causing the coffee maker to fall on the floor. Discord hummed as he continued to fix two cups of coffee. “Yep, I suppose I should’ve expected that from Miss Swiss there. Fortunately, I’ve set up a couple ground rules for just an occasion.”

As if on time, the door opened once more. “Cozy Glow, where did you put my...log?” Chrysalis came right through and looked around the room. She immediately noticed her surroundings, gave a confused and concerned glance, before she slammed the door again.

Discord laughed. He then took out the finished brew and snapped two mugs. “It usually takes them one more try.”

The door opened again and Chrysalis gave out another frustrated growl. “What is the meaning of this, Draconequus? Why can’t I leave this dump?”

“Well, it’s very simple Queenie,” Discord said as he poured the finished coffee into the two cups, “I made it so no one can leave my office until after I give my diagnosis. Even I can’t leave my own dimension thanks to my own rules. I don’t want any half-done jobs here.”

“So...you’re saying I’m trapped here with the Lord of Chaos until after I talk about my feelings?” Chrysalis scoffed. “This sounds like a cruel and unusual torture method employed by those ponies!”

Discord rolled his eyes as he pushed Chrysalis’ cup towards her. “Look Queen Bee, the more time you waste complaining, the less you’ll have planning your coup against the old goat. So how about we start talking about past failures now.”

Chrysalis groaned as she grabbed her coffee. “Past failures? Please, I heard enough to last a lifetime about the incompetencies of my changeling army. Twice I was on the verge of ruling Equestria...TWICE! I should be the one with a shiny gold crown and a throne with heated seats!”

She took a big sip from her drink before continuing. “Because of them, I’m now stuck in a swamp teaming up with a beefcake centaur and an expelled filly. I feel like the punchline of someone’s sick joke that only they themselves find funny. Thank you for the black coffee by the way.”

“You’re welcome...wait, they have heated seats?” Discord pondered, before shaking his head to refocus his attention. “More on that later. Anywho, it’s pretty presumptuous of you to say that it was your changelings’ fault that you’re not on top of the pony food chain.”

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Let me guess,” she quickly changed her form to that of Discord, “it’s your fault that you failed. Something, something, get good! Something, something, hilarious reference.”

She changed right back with an annoyed glare. “How does that sound to you?”

“Like a bad voice actor who think they can impersonate my lovely voice, but it seems you spend too much time impersonating others to realize that you yourself are your own worst enemy.“

Before Chrysalis could retort, a large projector appeared beside her. It turned on and Chrysalis could see the familiar sight of panicking ponies running all over Canterlot as she saw herself standing triumply at the destruction. The changeling queen gave a small smirk before looking at her host. “So you show one of my greatest triumphs before my greatest falls. I don’t like reruns, trickster!”

“Neither do I,” Discord nonchalauntley stated, “which is why I hate seeing the tired old way the villain loses over and over again.” He fast forward the footage to show Chrysalis walking away from Shining Armor and Cadence as they started to charge their love shield. “It’s the old ‘walk away from the heroes and monologue about how you already won’ combo. I’d call it a classic, if only it was ever good in the first place.”

Chrysalis saw everything in this new perspective. Cadence and Shining Armor putting their horns together to charge the shield. Then she saw her own face of horror as she shield blasted her and her army into the horizon.

She cursed under her breath before slamming her hoof. “Those ponies cheated me out of my own victory. They couldn’t accept that my perfectly executed plan trumped their defences, and just won by pulling something out of their flanks! They’re nothing but a bunch of cowards! ...Are you even listening to me?!”

Discord this whole time was drinking his coffee, sipping annoyingly loud before smacking his lips, then putting the drink down. He began pouring himself another glass. “Chrissy, may I call you Chrissy? “

“NO YOU CANN-”

“Anyways, I’m sure you're smart enough to know the phrase ‘pride cometh before the fall’. It pretty much means stupidity and pride makes for a bad married couple...and honey, you’ve been going through spousal abuse since day one.”

“I do NOT have a problem with my own pride Mr. Lord of Chaos!” Chrysalis quickly responded. “I’ll have you know that I’m perfectly capable of keeping my pride in check. Why, it certainly helped when I returned with the perfect plan to take over Equestria!”

“It took you four seasons to come up with an idea?”

Chrysalis visibly paused for a moment. “Ok...so I will admit that it took me longer than I anticipated, but it was all worth the wait.” She gave a contented sigh at the memory. “In only a week, I was able to execute the perfect trap for not only the Princesses, but all of Twilight’s pathetic friends. Even you could see how flawless my plan was. After all, I was able to render the lord of chaos himself into a hapless damsel.”

Discord rolled his eyes before giving a dejected sigh. “Yes, yes, I’m willing to admit that even ultimate liforms such as myself aren't immune to the dastardly tricks of the changelings, but are you willing to tell me the one thing that led to that “perfect plan” going kaputz?”

He slowly leaned forward. “Now, before you tell me your final answer, think carefully about your answer. Only one choice is correct, you know.”

Chrysalis was angrily confused after only a second of thinking. The answer was so obvious! “It was those cowardly traitors being led by the purple bitch! She was the one who-”

Discord snapped his fingers to wrap a chained muzzle around her snout, much to the queen’s rabid annoyance. Discord rubbed his temples. “Ok, since I’m actually getting bored now, how about I educate you a little on your actual choices. We could blame the one who apparently had no idea how the Princess of Love acts and thought being a jerk to everyone was a good idea. I repeat, THE PRINCESS OF LOVE being a jerk! Or we could blame the one who thought the power of Cadence’s love for her husband powering a love-powered shield was ridiculous idea, and the love-powered creature clearly not seeing the irony in that.

“Ooh ooh, or maybe we should blame the one who did all this elaborate planning for the perfect scheme, and lost because she didn’t do her research and missed Twilight’s own and just as dangerous pupil.” He breathed a sigh of exhaustion as he took off the muzzle. “Heck, you managed to sneak out a literal crybaby, but you didn’t get that Sunburst nerd, and he was the one who told Thorax about your plan.”

“Tch!” Chrysalis finished all of her coffee and flipped her hair as she looked at her host. “Fine! Maybe I do have problems when it comes to my pride. Still, not like you’re one to talk. Grogar told me that even you stood frozen at your own defeat, so at least I’m not the only one to suffer the fate of being prideful.” She paused as she heard a slight giggle from the draconequus. “WHAT’S SO FUNNY YOU WHELP?!”

Discord gave a snide smile as he grabbed his remote and pressed the fast-forward button. “Oh, you want to compare yourself to me? You see, it’s funny because you basically copied MY idea. Those evil clones you made, real creative for a shapeshifter by the way, they’re just carbon copies of my mean ponies! Except your Twilight wasn’t a friendless crybaby.”

“S-so...what? “Chrysalis nervously asked as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. “You didn’t invent the concept of evil clones. Besides, why bring that up? I simply made a bad first batch of clones, not like anyone's first try is the best.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Say did you even know Starlight and her friends were even there?”

“Huh...?”

Discord then showed that the Mane 6 were in fact in the Everfree Forest. “Yeah, they took a real bad day to go on a friendship camping retreat, but it seems they were able to still have a fine day despite the little squabbles they experienced.” He looked down at her guest. “Oh, not from you though, so no need to worry.”

"But...shouldn't I at least get some credit for besting the lord of chaos?"

"Well, you did have home field advantage, so it hardly counts. If anything, it's not the first time some powerful villain or shy Pegasus knocked me down a peg. So again, very creative."

Chrysalis looked as if she just saw the most life-changing disaster of her entire life. Staring at her own coffee, only to see it was gone, as she thought back to the day she was born, how she dreamed of becoming queen and ruling everything in Equestria. All she could say in response to everything up to this point was:

“Am I a joke to everypony?”

“Oh Chrysalis...of course you’re not a joke.” He gently wrapped his claw around her neck. “Your just an arrogant, self-absorbed, and very stupid villain who does no research and should probably start beating herself up before you goes after Glim Glam. But hey, nobody can be perfect like me.”

“You know what? Fine!” Chrysalis flew out of her seat and towards the exit. “I see what I need to do. I’ll let go of my own pride and focus my attention on betraying the old goat, and when we finally enact OUR plan to rule Equestria, I’ll skip destroying Starlight Glimmer and go after YOU FIRST! I’ll tear off your fur and make a new coat you insolent-”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up.” Snapping his fingers, he placed another muzzle around Chrysalis, who was now struggling wildly to take it off. “Well, I think my work here is done, maybe you can take everything you learned here and hopefully someday you could be a good representation of your species and change into a good villain...for once. Have a nice day!”

With that, he ignored the muffled, incoherent screeching and threw her out the door and slammed it shut. He made sure the door was locked this time to make sure she wouldn’t come back, then slid down his chair. “Well,” Discord sighed, “that was a pain. Hopefully my next guest will be less lively…”

Author's Note:

Yeah Discord...our next guest certainly isn't lively.

Don't forget to tell me your thoughts. Thanks for reading!

Comments

[Ri2]

No Chrysalis, you aren't a joke!

That would be giving you too much credit.

[dSorakite24]

Wait ......why isn't discord roasting himself as well since he is following his rooms rules , or is that saved for a later chapter?

[Horizon Spark]

9783152
Because he needs to give the diagnosis to the patient. He's not the patient yet.

[ALittleUnwell]

Look on the bright side, Chrysalis. You've come the closest of any villain short of Tirek (who would have just trashed everything). No mean feat by any stretch.

[Even Evil Has Standards]

“Like a bad voice actor who think they can impersonate my lovely voice, [...]“

I thought Peter New did a pretty good job.