• Published 30th Jul 2019
  • 694 Views, 53 Comments

Make Me a Better Villain Dr. Discord! - Horizon Spark

Discord decides to help better the future of Equestria by summoning past villains and telling them just how bad their evil schemes were. Doing his country proud.

  • ...

The Douchebags

Author's Note:

Yes, I'm still alive!:heart:

So after months of finishing my semester, getting sick, getting my car rear-ended prompting me to get a new one, and really have a lot of deep reflection on my life choices, AND getting all my Christmas shopping done, I'm FINALLY back to finish this story.

Okay yeah a lot of stuff happened to me in such a short time. A lot of bad, slightly dark things happen while I was dealing with the car accident, and even though I'm feeling much better now, I'm just happy to be back at this. I'm going to work really hard to get this story done and I'm thankful for you guys being patient with me.

Thank you, and enjoy the story.

The Douchebags

“Well, finally some variety!” Discord exclaimed as he looked on his clipboard. “We got ourselves a three for one deal here. That’s three times the faces I can help and humiliate. They’re even from the human world…huh...”

Discord gave a small frown as he read that last part, then shrugged as he snapped his fingers for the door. “Well at the very least anything would be better than Celestia’s successful reject. You three can enter when ready.”

Discord suddenly felt a presence that he was all too familiar with. An annoying presence that he knew meant his newest guests, who were currently arguing against one another, were going to make this chapter headache-inducing to him. “Oh this again,” he sighed as he snapped his claws, “there we go. Why don’t you three just roll right in...”

As he said that, a red carpet rolled right into his office as human paparazzi appeared down the lane, cheering on the guests. Three girls came strolling down blowing kisses, waving or making rude gestures at the crowds. They screamed louder as they stopped and struck powerfully sexy poses.

“Thank you! Thank you my lovely adoring fans! You’re all too kind!”

“Be sure to take plenty of pictures fellas, especially of my cute side!”

“HEY! Keep your greasy hands behind the rope. Dumbass manchildren!”

Discord gave a coy smile as he stared at the three girls obediently and unwittingly stepping in his office. “Hmm, using mind control and illusions to force the sirens into my office,” his grin disappeared for a bit, “this sounds like something past me would sadistically enjoy. Oh well.”

He snapped his fingers to slam his door shut which broke the three girls out of their trance. They stopped in their place, reeling from the hypnotism. Rubbing her eyes, Adagio was first to see where she was, and was immediately livid. “What the? Where am I, and where are my adoring fans!?”

“Your adoring fans?" Aria spouted next. "Always have to be about you, huh? I didn't see those hairy man-babies clawing at you."

"Well, duh, Ari," Sonata playfully interjected, "they were all too busy taking pictures of my cute side. You know how hard it is to do that?”

“Pictures of you!?” The two yelled back at Sonata.

It was at this point that the three started bickering among each other again. What started as a debate on who's the most popular turned into incoherent babble. It was at this point that Discord wondered how these were the most dangerous villains of the human world. “Then again, I suppose it’s quite easy to outclass Giant Plant Girl, Giant Movie Girl, Social Anxiety Girl, Phone Camera Girl, and...why are all the girls so evil in that world? What was I doing again?”


“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Discord reached under his desk and pulled out his patented trademarked airhorn, the Siren Siren™; available at your local chaotic dimension. Just press the button and…


The piercing screech got the girls attention as they covered their ears in pain. Discord giggled at the suffering and raised his voice to get their attention. “Alright Spice Girls listen up. I’m starting a ‘No Arguing’ policy because I don’t want this interview to go longer than it should. You ladies understand?!”

All three sirens were transfixed on the strange creature. They all had the collective feeling that they were no longer in the human world anymore. “Uh girls,” Sonata whispered to her sisters, “who’s the big scary dragon man?”

“That’s not a dragon,” Adagio said as she quickly realized who was in front of her, “it’s Discord. The ancient lord of chaos. I always thought you were only a legend.”

“Oh believe me my skeptic siren, I am very much real, and I am quite the legend,” he said as a glorious fanfare of trumpets started playing, hailing the chaotic draconequus.

“What’s a Discord?” Sonata asked.

Glorious fanfare stops.

Aria piped up, “He’s just some old coot who thinks being annoyingly random is the epitome of comedy. Was sort of a big deal way back before those Alicorns put him in his place.”

Adagio smirked, “Ah, yes, you’re right. That was when I realized that legend or not, you wouldn’t be a threat, giving me all the confidence I needed to take over Equestria! Thanks for that O’ Mighty Lord of Chaos.”

Discord looked at the three divas in front of him. “Alright, so let me see if I can get this right off the bat,” Discord proclaimed as he pointed to each of the three, “gorgeous one, stupid one, one with daddy issues.”

The three looked at each other with a bit of annoyance. Until Sonata spoke up. “So does this mean I’m the one with daddy issues and Aria’s the stupid one?”

“Screw you Sonata!” Aria yelled, “And screw you old geezer! Don’t act like you know me!”

“You’re both the stupid ones!” Adagio yelled out, stopping the two from arguing again as they huffed. “Ugh, just the sound of your voices are the most stressful thing! I really hope I’m still immune to those older human features like crow’s feet or…” she momentarily shuddered, “gray hair!”

“Whatever you say, Three Muskateers. Anyways I’m glad you three managed to take the time out of your busy schedules to come to my office. I’m sure ever since your defeat all those (five) years ago gave you so much time to bond.”

“Tch,” Adagio groaned, “you of all creatures should know what we’re doing nowadays. After all, why else would the lord of chaos call the three of us.

“Well, looks like I should refer to you as the smart and gorgeous one,” he said with a bow.

“Thank you, but I don’t take kindly to baseless flattery. There’s something you want from us that you’re willing to waste your time to get from us. So why don’t you get this over with so we can leave faster...”

“Smart, gorgeous, and with a spice of cattiness? Gosh, your subordinates must be so lucky to have a leader of many talents.”

“Oh yeah, we’re so lucky,” Aria pointed out, “seriously though, can we leave already? We’re supposed to get more microphones before we get to our next show.”

“Wait a minute,” Sonata said as the gears started turning in her head, “that doesn't sound like Sugarcube Corner. Aria you lied, you said we were going to get ice cream!”

“Well sometimes plans change Sonata so I better not hear any complaining.”

Sonata stared right at her and leaned towards her dour sister. “I. Hecking. Love. Ice cream!”

Discord shrugged as he snapped his fingers and an ice cream cone appeared in his hand. “Here you go deary, your favorite.”

"Blueberry cheesecake brownie?"

“With rainbow sprinkles!” He said as he poured the confetti from his fingers.

“OH BOY!” She said taking the frozen treat and giving it a taste. “What a relief. My tongue was burning extra spicy ever since I accidentally used that super hot sauce this morning.”

Adagio groaned, “If you’re not going to enjoy the spicy taco sauce I buy, stop asking me to buy it and get your own!”

“And now that we got our obligatory Mexican food reference out of the way, let's say we talk about you three and the one-hit wonder we call a villain role.”

The three sirens stared at each other in confusion before three matching chairs appeared right in front of them. Hesitantly, Adagio nodded towards the two to sit as she stood in front of Discord’s desk. “I don’t suppose you’re referring to our encounter with Sunset Shimmer and those Rainboom brats, are you? When we failed to take the magic from the school and our gems shattered?!” She exclaimed as she slammed her fist on the desk.

“You might want to be careful Mr. Dragon,” Sonata whispered, “it’s kind of a sensitive topic.”

“Now, now Hex Girls, I’m not here just to bring up past failures,” he brought out his trusty remote as the projector came down, “in fact, I would go as far to say that you were quite successful at the antagonist role.”

Discord pressed the button and the trio instantly saw themselves on the projector. Footage of them enthralling the student body was followed by the Rainbooms struggling to play during the Battle of the Bands as Sunset lies in sadness. Discord gave a toothy grin. “Such vitriol, so many bridges burnt to ashes. There was so much chaos, I could feel it dimensions away.”

Aria and Sonata looked at each other, wondering what exactly this creature was talking about. Their thoughts, however, would be silenced when they heard a quiet, yet wicked giggle turn into a howling laugh. They turned to see Adagio clutching her sides at the sight of the Rainbooms humiliation. At first, the other two began to laugh as well, savoring every moment of their triumph over Sunset and her friends, but after a couple minutes, Aria’s and Sonata’s laughter died down as Adagio was still going.

Sonata whispered to her sister. "Should I tell Dagi that I didn't think it was that funny?"

"Maybe do that after she croaks from laughter."

Adagio didn’t hear the two, and took a moment to wipe a tear from her eyes after a few more minutes of giggle fits.“Oh ho, such a nostalgic memory. I must’ve forgotten just how miserable we made those brats back then.” She then noticed Discord’s baring grin, then quickly silenced herself as she looked straight at the host. “Though, it seems that wasn’t the only reason why you brought us here, was it?”

“Exactly Leader of the Bunch,” he said as he pressed some buttons on the remote, “despite how effective your endeavors were, I can show you several reasons why you three lost. And no, It’s not because you weren’t the leader Miss Grumpypants.”

Sonata tried to suppress a giggle as Aria’s scowl stared her down.

“Here, let’s take a look at this,” he changed the footage to show all the students arguing with each other as the Rainbooms looked on in worriment at the conflict, “Now I love chaos as much as the next draconequus, but there’s times where you need to be proactive. Sitting back while all these schmucks argue is not very proactive.”

Adagio rolled her eyes. “Oh please, why lift a finger when we can let angry idiots do all the work for you?”

“Besides, what you think we were supposed to tell them to do?” Aria chipped in, “Have them annoy the Rainblossoms to death?”

“Well, it’s not like you made them do much to begin with. Other than Photo Finish, Snips, and Snails who ruined their first performance, everybody else was just competing like they would have normally. Didn’t even do anything the other times they went on stage.”

Adagio and Aria looked at each other, realizing what he meant. “You know, that makes a lot of sense Mr. Dragon,” Sonata pondered as she looked at the leader, “why didn’t we force the student body to attack the Rainbooms?”

“Because that wasn’t a part of our plan Sonata!” Adagio raised her voice in frustration. “That was to keep the negative energy flowing while the competition ruins those friendships. Getting involved would only complicate things.”

“Yeah, but wouldn’t it have been nice if we got that Flash guy to hit his little girlfriend?” Aria boasted as she received concerned looks from the other three in the room. “What? Not like that’s the worst thing we could’ve done to those girls.”

“Well whatever sinks the ships Dodrio,” Discord went on to play more footage of the battle. “Also, of all the easily influenced teenagers to get on your side, you chose Trixie?” Discord turned to the screen then looked back at the trio. “You chose her to be your trump card?”

“Ugh...I know right?” Aria exclaimed. “Yeah, I get the whole ‘get them out of the way and ruin their friendship’ schtick, but it’s so boring. Why couldn't we break their legs so we’d really be sure they don’t mess with us?”

“Because your plans too violent you barbaric oaf! ” Adagio yelled, far too annoyed in this back and forth. “All of your plans are the equivalent of putting a spotlight-sized target on us! With my plans, we can simply sing our songs and watch the puppets destroy themselves. If anyone decides to go out of place, we punish them.”

Aria scoffed, “And it’s totally an amazing strategy, until the time it wasn’t.”

“Oh yeah, sure, go ahead! Let’s go and have everyone kill each other like rabid dogs in pointless violence that doesn't benefit us. And while we’re at it, let’s get some weapons and threaten those brats. Nothing said ancient beauties like ‘murder’!”

“This coming from a siren with a fetish for sadism?”

“I do NOT have a sadism fetish!”

“I think Discord should show us that comedy clip again, for your sake I mean.”

“Ok, listen here you little shit…!

Meanwhile, Sonata could only look at the draconequus as the two were still arguing. “Honestly, I kinda just go along with whoever since I can’t come up with good plans...and I don’t like being alone.”

“Understandable,” Discord gave the blue siren a pair of really dense earplugs. “Say, could you put these in your ears for me?”

“‘Kay Mr. Dragon!”

She did as she told, as Discord pulled out his patented trademarked Siren Siren™️ and…


The two older sirens cringed at the ear-piercing sound. They immediately turned towards the draconequus in outrage. Discord ignored their ire as he threw away the siren and took the earplugs out of the blue siren. “Alright you two, break it up. It’s clear that you three suffer from a case of bad team synergy.”

“Team synergy?” Adagio exclaimed, “You mean we’re bad teammates?”

“That’s right Team Rocket.”

“Hey!” Sonata yelled, pointing at the draconequus, “That’s not right!”

“But seriously, if you three can’t work together to beat up some highschoolers, it’s no wonder you failed. The grumpy one wants to be in charge of everything, the leader thinks she’s right and every opinion is wrong, and Sonata’s too busy being cute to be useful.”

“Eh, the fanboys seem to be alright with it.”

Discord continued, “I’m sure finding a compromise between being in the front lines and strategizing in the background. If you three can agree with one another and learn to compromise, it’ll be pretty hard for any magical girl to stop you a second time.”

Adagio took a moment to understand what he was saying. She felt like the plan worked out perfectly, that it was her leadership that almost brought them success. Though if it really was something as simple as listening to her sisters...it wouldn't be the worst advice she ever received. “So, is there anything else you would like to share with us Lord of Chaos?”

“Well it just so happens that I collectively like you more than the last several bad guys, so I’ll give you one tidbit of advice that will make any potential revenge scheme a breeze. Doesn't that sound fantastic Adagio and the Pussycats?!

“Okay seriously,” Aria interrupted, “is this like your gimmick or something? Just gonna call us different names to piss us off huh?"

“I have no idea what you mean Aria Blaze it.”

“...When we walk out of here, I’m going to have Sonata draw a picture of you, and I’m going to stab it. With a fork.”

“Enough of this!” Adagio yelled. “We’re not leaving until he tells us what we need!” She looked up at the chaos god in need, “So what is it? Tell us this advice!”

“You didn’t lock the door.”

There was a long omnipresent pause as everyone in the room silently stood still. The trio looked among each other wondering what was next, as Adagio rolled her hand. “And…?”

“Wha-...oh no, that’s it. You guys just forgot to lock the door. Next time don’t do it again.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Aria vulgarly asked.

“Footage don’t lie,” He proclaimed as he focused at the moment where Spike the Dog was able to open the door thanks to a familiar DJ. He looked back at the three and saw a mixture of confusion, rage, and a feral combination of the two. “Now, before you get mad about this development, I have my siren on stand by. Also, to be fair, those girls tried to push open a pull door...so at least you’re not that stupid.”

Sonata looked like she was stuck on a long division problem.

Adagio looked like she was visibly disappointed at a child.

Aria looked like she was ready to strangle the twisted bastard who wrote that plot. “I WILL-”

Adagio quickly laid her hand on Aria before she could explode, in an attempt to calm her down. It surprisingly worked as she reluctantly sighed and crossed her arms. The leader then looked right at the draconequus’ eyes. “Thank you Lord Discord. I believe it’s clear that if there’s anything I was right about, it’s my idea of quitting this pointless endeavor.”

“That’s the spirit...that I will need more elaboration on.”

Aria reluctantly grumbled and explained, “Adagio realized that if we’re stuck here with crappy voices and no magic, we’d might as well try to make an honest living until something happens. I don’t like it, but it’s better than mindlessly pursuing revenge.”

“Aw, come on Ari,” Sonata interjected, “don’t be mad. Didn’t we have so much fun touring in our van? Travelling to so many cool places and becoming the front-runners of all these concerts with the magic of vocal processing.”

“Still doesn't count as magic Sonata!” Aria yelled.

“...But you did find it fun, right?”

“...Yeah...it was pretty fun, I guess.”

Adagio gave a small grin as she looked between her sisters and her host, “As you can see, Discord, despite what happened to us years ago, we’ve been able to bounce back and move on without our magic. We don’t need some sort of rematch with those girls.”

Discord felt more confused than he liked to admit. “So what...this girl posse is just going to give up? No backup plan or searching for a new magical toy? Not even a super villain team-up like we do here?”

Adagio shook her head. “Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see those brats writhe in agony for what they did, but we’re fine where we are. Not like we can do much anyways.”

“And that’s the part where I mention that I see a second chance in your near future. It just so happens that you three had a chance encounter with the Rainboom.”

Adagio’s eyes opened wide and she stood straight up at the mention of that. “We...did?”

“How the hell is that possible?” Aria asked. “We haven’t seen them since the battle of the bands. You telling us we met them again?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” he snapped his fingers and the footage on the screen changed to show Sunset and Pinkie Pie encountering PostCrush. “Long story short, magical artifact from Equestria gave two has-beens the power to turn back time and Sunnybuns was stuck in a day-repeating time loop.”

Sonata gasped, “Just like that movie with the groundhogs!”

“Attagirl,” he said, patting the siren on the head, “anyways, in one of those repeats, she saw you three performing that repetitively good song, thought you were behind the spell, you laughed and said you didn’t, and went on your merry way. If you ask me, you three got totally gypped. Red-herring roles are a fate worse than cancellation.”

“Magical artifacts from Equestria,” Adagio pondered, “so those rumors are true.”

“What is it now…?” Aria growled.

The leader grinned like a fox as she looked at the host. “I’ve heard rumors from the school brats about a girl that turned giant, or a human that looked like Princess Twilight that gathered a ton of magic and became a monster. I never believed something so baseless, until you gave me some clues.”

“Oopsie, slip of the tongue. Guess that means I shouldn't mention how magic is everywhere in Canterlot City, and finding it is just a matter of it finding you.”

“And you’re telling us this...why?”

“Well it’s certainly not because I’m bored and the author desperately wishing you three become antagonists again. Whatever gave you that idea?”

“That’s a good question,” Adagio deadpanned, before turning to her sisters, “I think I’ve had enough of Mr. Dragon here. We’re leaving.”

Aria breathed a sigh of relief as she headed for the door. “Finally, something I can agree with!”

Sonata, meanwhile, turned between both her sisters in worry. “So...does this mean we’re back to being the bad guys again? ‘Cause like, I’m alright with that if you guys are, but I’m also not.”

Adagio shook her head. “Like the draconequus said, the magic will come to us,” she then gave a faint smile, “and I figure when that day comes, that’s something we should decide on together.”

“And that’s how Adagio learned the true meaning of friendship!” He said as he wrapped his arms around their shoulders. “Now that we have that all resolved, we can get to more important matters. Like is that whole “shoo be doo” song a racially insensitive thing or a national anthem?”

Adagio stared at the draconequus, “No.”

"What about a re-branding for your comeback. I was thinking of something like The Misfits or The Stingers, or are those names too obscure of a reference?”

“Yeah, we’re leaving.”

Adagio followed her sisters as they exited through the door. Sonata gave a small wave goodbye and Aria flipped him off as the door closed behind them.

Discord gave a small contented sigh, “Well there goes those gems. Now that I think about it, I should probably make sure Sunset and the gang have some sort of contingency plan for potential revenge schemes. Oh well, I should get back to my list. Gotta see who’s...wait...their names were The Dazzlings?! What a terrible name....”


“Hey guys, I found a big package under my bed!” Sonata excitedly called out. “And not the kind Adagio has under hers.”

“Give me that you idiot!” Adagio demanded. “Who the hell sent us this?”

Dear Three Stooges,

Good luck on your future endeavors! Here’s a little something that’ll help you gain some much needed immunity. A small token of appreciation from me to you.


Discord ;)

“Oh great, it’s from the old doofus,” Aria groaned, “so what’s in that damn thing anyways?”

Sonata opened the box and instantly gave the biggest smile she ever mustered. “Oh BOY!”

Adagio raised an eyebrow. “Well what is it?”

That question was answered by the rhythmic sounds of Sonata playing with her new Siren Sirens™️ as it was drowning out Aria’s screeching and Adagio’s groans of anguish.


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