Make Me a Better Villain Dr. Discord!

by Horizon Spark

This Show is Cancelled...Stop Reading

“No, seriously, what are you doing?” Discord asked before taking another sip of his coffee. “The story’s over, I did all the villains, gave them all baseless hopes and advice, and I gave them all fitting endings. I’m not doing Grogar because…”

SPOILERS FOR A FINALE YOU SHOULD’VE WATCHED MONTHS AGO

“...it was me, DISCORD! Then some bell shenanigans happened, I lost my powers, heroes saved the world, time skip happened, finale song was sung, and the bronies mourned their loss. So if you’re not satisfied...what more do you want!?”

As if by clockwork, Discord immediately understood what you were thinking, maybe. “Oh ho ho, I get it. I understand what you're thinking! ‘Mr. Discord! There’s still plenty of other villains to do!’ I hear you shouting like a pompous peacock. ‘What about the other bad guys in the show, or all the villains in the comics!?’ I hear you ask like a curious chimpanzee.”

Discord sighed. “Okay, really, you think I just forgot about them? You think I was going to waste my time on the lowest common denominator of villains? Well, sorry to disappoint all two of you, but I’m too much of a celebrity to do any of that.”

Suddenly, the Discord puppet (yeah remember him), popped up on his claw with his clipboard. “What about the Pony of Shadows, boss? He was the main villain of a season finale, and was the friend of one of the most powerful unicorns.”

“Oh yeah, such a great and endearing villain, a rejected Kingdom Hearts horse, whose friend was a jerk, and wanted to ‘cover the world in darkness’. Whatever the heck that means! He might have looked interesting and all, but the last villain I want to talk to is an edgelord whose name is literally just the word ‘black’...how creative.”

Discord Puppet looked through his papers. “Well, there’s all these other ne'er-do-wells we missed out. They may not be season finale villains, but we might as well talk about them, right?”

“...Do we have to?”

“You know somebody will point it out.”

The draconequus took a deep breath. “Oh, alright then. Look, how about we rapid fire the list of these unlawful degenerates...these dumb idiots that I refuse to talk about.” He pulled down a list of villains and read each of them off at once:

• Lightning Dust; Rainbow Dash if she was brasher, stupider, and more boring
• Flim and Flam; capitalism jokes are boring and these guys are useless
• Diamond Tiara; I already did a pink child
• Gloriosa Daisy and Juniper Montage; Poison Ivy and Giganta are my favorite DC villains too
• Wallflower Blush; I’m not bullying the plant girl
• Vignette Valencia; Instagram was a mistake
• Principal Cinch; nothing I do can make her more pathetic than she already is

He threw away the list into the trash. “And everyone else is filler. I do hope that nobody will care if I exclude schmucks like pony Elvis...nobody wants to talk to Pelvis. So there, all done. I never have to talk about them again. We can move on now!”

Discord Puppet looked around the office worriedly. “So...does that mean you don’t want to do the comics nex-?”

“Oh don’t you DARE get me started on the comics! They’re like my worst fever dream when it comes to bad guys. Nightmare Moon but what if she was Rarity, evil water, an apple with a mustache, a bozo actually named Terri Belle, me with a monocle and a hat, and…my ex,” Discord shuddered for a second before continuing, “I bet most of you didn’t even know those losers existed. You want me to spend half a year talking to some static pictures of villains who are never going to be animated? I just want to move on already!!!”

All of a sudden, the door swung open, and the former Princess of the Sun strolled right into the office. “Hello Discord. It’s good to see you once more.” She casually made her way toward Discord’s dask, before materializing a comfy chair to sit on. There was a long pause before Celestia decided to break the silence. “So-”

“Oh please Celestia, don’t even get me started on you, you alabaster, abominable, accident they call an antagonist!”

“I’m sorry?”

“You better be, because that Evil Celestia in those comics was like if you read ‘Ruling like a Generic Tyrant for Dummies’, took a test on it, and only passed it because you got the extra credit question: Is black eyeliner evil? Oh, and I wonder if Maleficent has a spare gold crown to go with my SCORPION TAIL?! Are you trying to make my job harder!”

Celestia rolled her eyes as she remembered her evil counterpart. "Her fashion choice really was that gaudy."

"Oh, and let’s not forget about that Original Character: Do Not Steal of yours, Daybreaker, because nothing says ‘compensating’ then copying your sister’s homework. The whole sun motif may have looked nice, but all that was just some bad dream Starlight had, so that wasn't even real. You're like a balloon artist that can make so many animals, but you can’t make a dog and you refuse to learn. So much potential and you deliver nothing but broken promises. Just like real life.”

“Are you done Discord?” Celestia patiently asked. “I didn’t come here for any advice, or to hear your crazed ramblings.”

Discord groaned. “Of course you didn’t milady, but throw me a bone here,” Discord said, his face now looking like a pug, before continuing, “I’ve been in this office for months all for the purpose of entertaining readers by subjecting myself to these nerds. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to talk with these losers!”

“Hey now,” Celestia interjected, “may I remind you that one of those ‘losers’ was my sister and my former student...”

“Why thank you Sunbutt, I’d almost forgotten how bad your associates were at being bad, and before you ask, yes...that was a compliment.”

The former Sun Princess rolled her eyes. “I suppose I should take what I can get from the likes of you.”

“Then there's everyone else I had to deal with. These cheese legged, stair-loving, crotch-pointing, pop singing, communism loving, doormats! Why is it that Equestria is constantly under threat by losers who never stop to think that murder is a viable strategy!? I mean, really! With all the safety nets I put in for the mane six, I barely had to use any of them! Do you even realize how many times they could have actually died, but the ‘villain’ simply chose not to capitalize on their moment of glory!?!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Good question. What age demographic was our show originally intended for again?”

Discord raised a finger, as though to argue...before instantly lowering it. “Oh yeah...that makes sense.”

“Either way, I just dropped by because I wanted to thank you for all your hard work.”

“You’re...thanking me?”

“Of course! Don’t think I wasn’t aware of your talks with Equestria’s most dangerous villains from the beginning. Although, I’m still baffled by how you brought Sunset and the Sirens from the Human World without reverting them to their original forms.”

Discord sighed as he rested in his chair. “Yes, yes, I am quite impressive. Though, I’m sure you said you would like to be thankful for something right?”

“But of course. All that you’ve done to help Twilight in her transition to the throne has been wonderful, if not questionable. Though, I suppose I’m not in the right to judge teaching methods. I’m sure you would have a field day with how I taught my student.”

“Meh...I’ve seen worse video essays,” he said with a shrug, “still, I’m happy to teach the main character a thing or two about not losing. Especially since you and your sister aren't so experienced in that topic.

“Awwww man!" Puppet Discord shouted as he clapped. "Burn! Burn!"

Celestia hummed. “I suppose you're right on that end. Then again, you're not so experienced in villainous betrayals.”

“Ooooohhhh boy!” Discord Puppet exclaimed.

“Well...let’s just say my genius surprises even me sometimes.”

“Of course, you’re never too old to learn, especially since you’ve been betrayed and tricked multiple times, by the same villains I should add. Needless to say, I feel even you could learn your own lessons too.”

Discord crossed his arms. “Yes, yes. Lessons learned, I’m not as good as I think, keep my ego in check, blah blah blah.” He groaned before leaning over his desk. “Whatever, now that we’re canceled, there’s no need for me to trick anypony anymore. Can’t say it hasn’t been fun though, I made fun of every single loser you ponies came across, and it made for a decently well done fanfiction. I think you and I can enjoy our retirement real soon.”

“That I can agree with,” Celestia sighed, “Twilight and her friends gained a lot of experience over the years, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they can conquer just about anything. Which is why you spent all this time ridiculing past villains all for your own amusement...only to not write anything down for Twilight. That was the point of this right?”

“!” Discord immediately looked at each of his notes thinking he spent all this time writing down actual notes, only to realize that they were nothing more than random scribbles and crude drawings, and half a script of something titled; Secret Script of Season 10. A message on the bottom read 'Immediately throw this in a trash fire at the end of this joke.'

“Huh, I don’t know whether to blame myself or the writer for this...” He said as he threw the papers in a trash fire.

Celestia shook her head. “Never mind that Discord, I’m sure Twilight will be just fine on her own. Either way, I think it’s about time we close this book, don’t you think so?”

“I suppose you’re rig-HEY! WAIT A MOMENT!”

“Hmm? What seems to be the matter Disco-”

Discord cut her off, before taking an accusatory tone. “How did you do that?”

“Do...what?” Celestia furrowed her brow in confusion.

“Don’t play dumb! Breaking the fourth wall is my shtick! How are you doing that? I should be the only one capable of it!”

Celestia shrugged. “Perhaps it is because it would be a logistical nightmare to write this chapter otherwise?”

“...I want to argue that, but you have a point there.”

Getting up, Celestia strolled her way back to the door, only to look back at Discord with a calm smirk. “Oh, and one last thing...you’re grounded for five weeks. Bye.” She closed the door, leaving Discord alone in his office.

Discord looked at his office, and then to the readers. “MOTHERFU-!”

Author's Note:

Discord Puppet: So does that mean I'm fired or....okay.

And with that this fun story to write is finally over and now I can move on to new stuff. Even though that's something I probably should've done six months ago...but hey sometimes you gotta finish what you started. At least I'm getting slightly better at writing pacing. Nonetheless, I hoped you enjoyed Discord's romp through Equestria's Rouges Gallery. And I definetly won't be doing the comic book villains...maybe.

Tell me your thoughts on the story, and I'll see you next time!

Comments

[dSorakite24]

So is discord gunna get ouut orrrr...stay grounded now , though it would be nice side spin-offs of the other villains that were'nt in the show.

[Booster Spice]

So now we part, at least Discord can Piece out with Pinkie?

[Kichi]

What about Midnight Sparkle? Sure, is a copy of Sunset, but well...

[Horizon Spark]

10283674
Discord: Sunset Satan called, she wants her everything back.

[Vaguely Demented]

Surprised he didn’t also get Tempest in to compliment her on her tenacity or similar. Though I suppose much of it would be the same as SK.