Who are you again?
Who are you again?
Discord flipped through the last of his notes. Even after everything that has happened so far, there still seems to be one more villain left. “ I can’t seem to put my finger on it…Just who could this mysterious guest be?”
All of a sudden, like a bat outta hell, the door opened and out jumped a violent ball of white fur clad in black armor. His sharp claws scratched the pristine carpet and the floorboards were smashed under its weight, as a lowly growl was followed by a toothy grin. Getting up to his hind legs, the Storm King let out a lively laugh.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M BAAAAAAACK!”
“Hmm, guess we don’t have any visitors today,” Discord shrugged without a care, “oh well, time to hit the sack!” He snapped out of his office as the lights turned to black.
“H-hey! Now wait just a minute!”
The lights came back on as Discord appeared to see his new visitor. “What is it sir? Can’t you see I’m closing up shop here? What do you think this is, some kind of talk show?”
The yeti looked at the host with a confused glare. “Talk show? What the hell are you blabbering about?”
Discord rolled his eyes as he took a seat in his chair. “Never mind. May I ask, what you’re doing here my good sir? My door was closed and I’m not one for walk-ins.”
The Storm King saw a big chair on the side and haphazardly brought it towards him to sit. “Well that’s kinda the thing man. One minute my traitorous assistant got me petrified by my own bombs, next minute I found myself down on some pretty nice carpet, and a killer headache!”
“Killer is right,” Discord whispered.
“So now I’m here, no sign of my army or any of those pretty pansy ponies. I’ll admit, I’m pretty lost at this point.”
“Well, that is unfortunate my hairy friend. Maybe you’ll find your purpose once you walk out of my office.”
“Whoa there man!” Storm King exclaimed, “I can’t leave! The door back there won’t even open!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, suppose that’s my fault. I made it so whoever walks in can’t leave without hearing my advice, and since you're here, that means that your villainous career could use a little improvement.”
“Advice?” The white beast exclaimed as he shook his finger, “Nuh-uh man. The Storm King’s got this whole evil thing down to a science. It’s all about overwhelming your enemies ‘til they cant fight back. Worked pretty damn well...until that last part. ”
Discord eyed the newcomer closely, his tiny telescope getting all that furry detail. “You’re quite the strange one I see. Certainly fit the role as a bright-eyed, curious, and dangerous villain, am I right? Went from stealing candy from babies to stealing the lives from those baby’s parents. Which was fine by you, I’m assuming.”
The Yeti-like creature flashed a toothy grin. “You know it baby! You’re looking at the most dangerous baddie in all of existence; I’m the dreaded Storm King!”
“Who…?” Discord plainly asked.
“You know, the Storm King! The conqueror! The ruiner of worlds! Big Daddy S.K.! Me and my army were the nightmare of all we met as we roamed all of Equestria, crushing our enemies, seeing them driven before us and selling my Storm King action figure with karate chop action to those still conscious!”
Discord hummed to himself. “Now you're sounding a bit familiar. Though, to be fair, I see why I don’t remember you. After all, I wasn’t invited to the movie. Not sure why...maybe I was too powerful, I’d take too much screen time, or maybe one of the writers were nothing but cowards! Doesn’t that sound right, MCCARTHY!? Had to deny me of my first movie role, didn’t you, VOGEL!? Am I not cool enough for your $6 Million movie, THIESSEN!?
“Uh...you alright there man?”
“Oh wow, I am so sorry Stormy. I tend to get like that when the writer wants to voice his frustrations because forums are less funny,” he then got onto his chair and looked through his folders, “anyways, I’m familiar with your actions Mr. King. Ruined a festival, stole the magic from the four Alicorns, and took more than an hour and a half to beat. Quite the record I say!”
The Storm King smiled and crossed his arms. “You got that right, man! I’m sure all of Equestria knows about how I laid waste to those Abyssians, or how I placed those pirates under my heel, where they belonged.”
“Eh, probably not. The comics were not as popular as they used to be back in Season 3. Certainly not enough to be required readings before a movie.”
“Uh...alright…?” Storm King confusingly agreed. “Well, you certainly know about how I stormed Canterlot, captured all the princesses and used their magic to power me up for the storm of the century!”
“YOU laid waste to Canterlot? YOU captured all the Princesses? YOU did all of that cool stuff with your snarky hedgehog sidekick?”
Storm King looked away a bit, puffing his cheeks out in a pout. “Okay fine, maybe I didn’t exactly do all of that...but I was in charge of the pony who did it, so it technically counts as my victory,” he said with full bravado.
Discord took a moment to breathe in deeply. “Boy but hilariously misspelled.” Discord pulled out his projector and a stick he found outside, he then pressed a button and a bar graph was shown on screen. “Now, I’d like to direct your attention towards the graph. Here the blue bar represents you, while the red bar represents that edgy assistant of yours; Tempest The Shadow!”
“I knew her middle name was ‘The’...” Storm King pondered.
“Anyways, this graph represents all the time spent harassing the heroines on their bizarre adventure, and if my math is correct, my data shows that Shadow’s been on screen for about an hour, while your on-screen time has been a very generous...twenty minutes.”
“Twenty minutes!?” Storm King yelled.
“And three of those minutes was spent on the phone.”
“Well excuuuuse me, Mr. Cord. It ain’t easy running a band of marauders and chase some ponies, while still forming an image for myself."
“You know in hindsight, I see why I didn’t remember much of you. It’s not because Ms. TNT had more screen time than you. I mean look at her: black armor, broken horn, grimdark backstory, karate moves and zero guns. If she wasn’t rated PG we would’ve seen some bloody, blackeye-making, horse-on-horse action. And not of the freaky variety...you freaks. Then we have you: a loud-mouthed, arrogant bully who’s literally doing this for the funsies. Yeah you’re a good blend of comedy and intimidation, fit for any movie based on a kids property, but we barely saw your actions. How are we to be entertained by a villain if that villain barely does anything?
He then brought out a large book and continued. “And to add further salt in the wounds, may I direct your attention to the concept art we missed out on. Thanks to The Art of My Little Pony: The Movie; now available where all children's books are sold.”
As he flipped through the several pages of the book, Storm King couldn’t help but whistle at his rejected looks. “Damn, I look good! I was like a lightning wolf and some sort of thunder cloud bat thing?! Not sure about that Cosmos pony, looks like it was made by a sixteen year old who thinks sharp objects are cool...but still, I could’ve looked like these?”
“I know right? And let’s not forget about the small factoid that in said concept art you were drawn to look like well…” Discord coughed in his claws, “I’m not gonna enrage the few people who comment on this story, so let's just say you were drawn to look like a certain...individual in charge of a country with fifty states, and leave it at that.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Look, I am willing to cause discourse and chaos wherever I go, but mentioning the ‘P’ word on the internet is way too much for me. I’m not a psychopath.”
“Alright, alright, fine, but you can’t seriously think the intern’s better than me. I bet I even got a bunch of cool fanart on that one art website, Derviant or something like that!”
“Don’t we all...” Discord shuddered. “Though, you know Mr. King, you talk like you’re a big shot, that you’re the best you are at what you do, but I can assure you, you are no Wolverine. You’re more of a...Sabertooth...or maybe a Kingpin.”
“Are those one of them zodiac signs or something?”
“Marvelously bad jokes aside. You seem to focus a little too much on your image. All this marketing, toys, and calling yourself the best villain. Instead of being in the front lines, you're thinking of what motto to put on your mug!” He then got closer to his ear. “Though, I would choose something like ‘Rules are made to be broken’, and I better get royalties if anyone uses that.”
“So...what are ya getting at?” He asked, getting more impatient.
“Look, buddy. It’s called being an evil-doer, not an evil-planner. When you focus so much on the advertising and your future reign, you lose sight of the present. Why, if you were there to stop the Ponies on their amazing adventure, they wouldn't have gone too far. I know half of them are afraid of lightning anyways.”
The Storm King was lost in thought at the mention of this. “I guess you have a point. I mean, all the merch I’ve made hasn't really gone down with the kids, and it would’ve been nice to have a bigger budget on the minions and weapons department. Probably would’ve helped them not get their asses kicked by cake.”
Discord nodded. “Now that’s evil-doer talk I hear. Strike while the iron's hot, then profit. You're well on your way to making a real dangerous comeback!”
Storm King made an evil grin that turned into a slimy smile. “You got that right Cord guy, I’ll make a new army, get new interns who care about me only, and I’ll even introduce myself this time. It’s about time I take the spotlight again!”
“That’s fantastic. Now get outta here you hairy crazy bum!”
When he left, Discord could hear the sound of the Storm King maniacally laughing at the prospect of revenge. “Look out Ponyland! The storm’s coming back, and this time, he ain’t trademarkin’ anything...besides your deaths! BOOM BABY!!”
“And...click.”
Suddenly, the sounds of metal doors shutting reverberated outside the office. Storm King let out a gasp as he felt the room rumble, almost losing his footing. “Uh...hey Discord? Buddy? What’s going on?”
“You see Zappy Man, we kinda have a bit of a, how do I say, continuity quota to keep up. Unfortunately, I’m afraid you still existing is not exactly on that quota.”
“Wait,” he fell onto the floor and scooted away, “what are ya saying?”
“Plus you attempted to turn my Fluttershy into modern art, and I overall don’t like you. At least this is a better ending than the three stooges later on.” He then pressed the red button once again.” Bon voyage!”
“Wait! Can we talk about...huh?!?!” The ear-splitting sound of a rocket being launched into space filled the outside of his office. As he casually started drinking his coffee, the Storm King’s cries were heard as he was hurled outside the atmosphere. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Discord snickered, “Then the dumb yeti man was never heard from again, and we all lived happily ever after. The End!” He then opened his filing cabinet. “Now, that should be the final villain…”
“YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME DICKHEAD!!! DAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOUUUUUU DIISSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRDDD!!!!!”
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Almost wrote themselves into acorner with that movie. Fortunately they could Canon Pinkie DEM into that corner as well.
Stormy should be glad it wasnt the Queen Of Hippos. It be like Battlechess with King Prawn.
"You like makin fluttershy into art huh?
Well you aint gunna do that here no nono i got the perfect place for you on the mooooooooonnn, BEEEEEEYOOOOTCH" storm king shoulda been launched to the moon still good and satisfying reading storm king launched.
Man, that was really cooking up a storm
I got the joke. Though I usually thought of him as a sort of spaceballs version of Palpatine. Never quite thought President Screw really captured much of that.