You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

Celestia X Luna: Incest in the Government

This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm

Comments ( 2 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 2
- Newest First
- Oldest First

xRei

xRei #1 · May 3rd, 2019 · · · Luna's Modern Breakfast ·

Contest judge with some notes.

I'll try to say this as politely as I can:

You should consider spending some time thinking about how to portray show vs tell. Most of this fic is a succession of large paragraphs explaining each scene almost like exposition. There's mountains of articles out there which can better explain show/tell and how to balance the core elements of your prose(narrative, action, dialogue) than I can.

Also, you may want to consider doing some more editing passes on your work when you're done. There's numerous examples of slips in tense usage, typos and other grammatical errors.

I can sense you have some passion for what you're doing, so keep directing that passion towards further improvement.
GL to you.

SnoTheWitch

SnoTheWitch #2 · May 3rd, 2019 · · · Luna's Modern Breakfast ·

9602043
Thanks for the advice! I haven't written in awhile and I still need to learn how to write more concise stories, especially when it comes to the action in it.