Contest judge with some notes.

I'll try to say this as politely as I can:

You should consider spending some time thinking about how to portray show vs tell. Most of this fic is a succession of large paragraphs explaining each scene almost like exposition. There's mountains of articles out there which can better explain show/tell and how to balance the core elements of your prose(narrative, action, dialogue) than I can.

Also, you may want to consider doing some more editing passes on your work when you're done. There's numerous examples of slips in tense usage, typos and other grammatical errors.

I can sense you have some passion for what you're doing, so keep directing that passion towards further improvement.
GL to you.

9602043
Thanks for the advice! I haven't written in awhile and I still need to learn how to write more concise stories, especially when it comes to the action in it.