Fallout Equestria: Operation Star Drop

by Meep the Changeling

18 - Location, Location, Location

I learned two important things that night. First, Speed’s comment about battle making her hungry was more than understandable, and not actually that terrifying. Apparently a once rare genetic quirk amongst Thestrils had become quite a common trait in her stable. Speed was a hemovore, just like a small percentage of her non-pony bat cousins had been long ago.

Well, assuming any of them had survived the apocalypse anywhere other than Stable 88.

In light of that, I honestly could see how stepping onto the battlefield would be like trotting into a kitchen while somepony was making an amazingly good soup for her.

Sure, she’d explained that she ate it as her diet earlier that evening, but learning the trait was so common was... interesting. Maybe her Stable wasn’t as well… stable as they thought.

So the first thing I learned was that Speed drinking the blood of her enemies was way more normal than it sounded. The second thing I learned was that the mare was weird.

She had seemed super-alert the previous night, so we asked if she would need to sleep when the sun rose. After all, it made sense for a batpony to be nocturnal. Wander honestly couldn’t remember if they were. The tribe had been quite rare in pre-war Equestria, it would seem. Speed’s answer to the question?

“I don’t sleep. I wait.”

“What?” I’d asked incredulously.

“Oh, um, I’ve got the standard special forces augmentations. Tweak a few parts of the brain with a scalpel, chemically alter the thyroid, remove a gland or two, and bam! You release a small but constant supply of the hormones you would while sleeping.”

“Then how the heck do you use a dream pod?” Wander asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I can sleep if I want to. I just don’t need to.”

By wait, it turned out she meant she’d stand there and stare off at nothing for a few hours. A specific number of hours, in fact. I’d clocked her waiting for three hours last night to ‘take a little break from talking’. She’d waited exactly three hours, then went right back to talking.

Three hours. On the dot. To the second. When we had a moment, I was going to have to check her for cyberware.

You’d think that if like apparently all of Equestria’s pre-war special forces had at least some cybernetic implants, she’d have gotten a few augmentations. At the very least, if they’d bothered to prevent her from having to sleep, they’d also do something to boost endurance.

I’d asked about that, and nope!

We’d started walking again as the moon set, and a mere six hours later, Speed had needed to stop for a few minutes. Just a few minutes, then she was able to go again, and we were still trotting down the road towards the Canterlot Ruins hours later as the sun loomed overhead… But, still!

I shook my head and looked up at the afternoon sun as it dipped behind Mount Canterlot for the first time today. At least, for us. Walking along the edge of the mountain meant sunset for us came around noon thirty, not well, when the clock said dusk was. Giant stone walls and what not.

The mountain top looked lovely. Whatever stone the mountain was made from shone purpleish in the sun’s light, and its peaks were so tall they were capped with snow, even in this heat. It was nice to see snow again. I was starting to feel just a little homesick.

Speaking of homes, it had occurred to me that Stable 88 counted as an independent government. That meant I had a radio for them. Unfortunately, delivery was not possible due to a lack of address. Speed’s pathological inability to not do something a friend asked her to do apparently didn't override prior instructions.

Her mother had ordered her not to tell anypony where the Stable was if she ever left it for any reason. It wasn’t that Speed just wouldn’t tell me, she couldn’t tell me. That was more than a little frustrating...

I turned to look back at the road we’d taken. The ancient highway was decrepit, festooned with too many conveniently hoof-sized holes for me to take my eyes off of where I was going for long.

Speed was walking at the front of our group, having insisted on taking point. Wander reluctantly agreed, since we were following the road anyways, though she did make it clear that pathfinding was ‘her job in this outfit’.

We’d then explained what we were doing to Speed. That was when I’d truly decided she was weird. Who the heck learns they’re tagging along with a mailmare and then groans with genuine distress and moans, “I hate escort quests!”? That just makes no sense.

”It makes perfect sense, dear. You just never got to play video games,” Imaginary dad chimed in.

Fair… She did basically grow up in one.

”Makes you wonder if she knows Wander’s music from a game. Most games had music, some even had full soundtracks.”

I blinked and stepped around a pile of rocks which may or may not have been a burial marker once. It was too old and rain-worn to tell, but there were a few bits of pony bone under the stacked rocks. Either a cairn or a tragic accident, then.

Wander’s music. Speed had known it, and Wander had revealed something rather interesting about herself. I hadn't really processed it last night, thanks to being focused on the giant weirdo-dork of a mare who I’d been worried was going to kill me at the time. Wander had probably let it slip thanks to that same fear.

I bit my lip and looked over my left shoulder towards Wander. Her face was obscured by the shadow of her hood. I couldn't tell what her mood was without a better look at her eyes. I gulped, fidgeted for a moment, then sighed and asked. “Sooo… Wander?”

“Yea?” she replied quietly.

I frowned as I realised that since we were near Canterlot, where she’d been “reborn” and her friends had died, she might not be in the best of moods.

“Uh, nevermind.”

“No, please. I could go for a distraction. What was it?” Wander asked, turning to look my way.

I could see her eyes through the shadows, now. She was pleading with me. Well, okay then.

“So uh, last night you mentioned you used to be the DJ Pon3. Did you start the tradition?” I asked with a smile, hoping I had phrased it in a way which made it sound like I was asking about post-war-her.

Wander’s eyes closed tightly. She turned away from me and walked down the ancient highway in silence, eyes on the uneven ground.

I hung my head, realizing I’d bucked up. Badly.

”Hold it together, hun, you’ve got this! Remember, if all else fails, hug!”

Not helping right now. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. That might get misread.

“Not directly,” Wander said after a while. “My voice-change spell was popular pre-war. Somepony in Tenpony with access to its radio system must have thought that ponies would feel safer if a familiar voice reached out to them through the radio with news. The voice they use is one of the templates I used in a lot of my music, any time we needed a stallion for a song’s vocals I’d just tweak the pitch and use that. It was cheaper than hiring somepony.”

I nodded slowly and frowned. “I see…”

“That’s why I thought Homage would for sure know who I was,” Wander added slowly. “She knows the voice, she’s using my old stage name, the original Wastelander DJ Pon3 has to have been a big fan of my work. You get the picture. I expected there to be, like, a shrine to me in her closet or something.”

“Why would you make your fanfilly shrine in a closet?” Speed asked, her head craned almost all the way around in a pose that definitely looked like it had to hurt.

Wander and I hissed in unison. I pointed to her neck. “Uh, we can stop if you want to look at us and talk.”

Speed laughed, gracefully rotated every part of her body but her head, and kept walking. Backwards. Without breaking stride, or tripping on the chunks of pavement. How in the—

”Bat-vision,” Dad stated bluntly.

Right! Sight’s secondary for her. Thank you! I need to remember that.

Wander cleared her throat. “To be honest, I never made any fanfilly shrines. I know that Rainbow had one for Spitfire, but that was more of a role model thing than a fanfilly thing. She kept it in her closet, you know, so other ponies wouldn't see it.”

“That’s dumb,” Speed said bluntly. “Ponies should know what you like. I kept yours right next to my dream pod on a little podium I made from some rock I found once.”

Even with her face in shadows, I saw Wander’s face go pale.

I, on the other hoof, giggled and had to cover my mouth. “So uh… What kind of songs of hers do you like?” I asked Speed with a smile, hoping to maybe hear some more pre-ministry music.

Speed hummed. “Well, I only know the stuff she did under the name Mare Estrus Rut. I’d love to hear the rest some time!”

I triple blinked. “Uh, under the name what?”

That name! Who the hay would honestly go by that?

“T— That’s what Rainbow and I called our garageband,” Wander said a little too quickly.

Speed shook her head instantly. “Nooo, that was your stage name!” she said firmly before tilting her head a little. “Do ghouls have memory problems?”

Wander sighed so hard she had to stop walking. “No… It’s just… really really really embarrassing that I thought the name was cool when I was younger,” she muttered as she resumed trotting down the road.

I giggled. “If that was your stage name, what was your band called?”

“Nothing!” Wander yelped.

“Awww, come on! It’s a cool name!” Speed pressed with an adorable little frowny face. You wouldn’t think that visible fangs could be so adorable. They should be frightening, not cute!

Note to self: get her to teach you how to make that look. It will be an upgrade from the SweetieBelle.config I use now.

Wander groaned and hong her head as she caved. “Okay… Fine… We called it ‘Luna’s Epic Moonbase’. Happy?”

It was my turn to frown and raise an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with that name? It’s good!”

“Yeah!” Speed agreed with a happy little wing flap.

“Well, first of all,” Wander said hollowly, “we called it that before Princess Luna’s return. Which meant that we were in fact turbonerds who knew that Nightmare Moon, the Mare in the Moon, and Princess Luna were one and the same. No cool band is named after an obscure mythology reference. Second, we named our band after a banished Princess who was also possessed by some kind of demon and therefore evil. You know, typical rebellious teenage angst stuff. Basically, we overcompensated for being turbonerds by being turbodorks.”

Speed pursed her lips and gave Wander a hard look. “I have a super hard time picturing Rainbow Dash as any kind of nerd. She’s a jock, if ever there was one.”

“A jock who could tell you the exact stats of every Wonderbolt ever,” Wander remarked casually. “Who could do flight calculations in her head. Who spent five months training herself to walk with the same slow-rolling-strut as Commander Spitfire because, and I quote “It just looks about twenty-percent cooler than a normal walk, okay?” end quote. Also, she was the lead vocalist and backup cowbell for a garageband called Luna’s Epic Moonbase.”

Speed giggled. “Okay, that’s a good argument.”

I smiled and swished my tail. “I’ll take Speed’s word for it.”

“Even through all of that, though,” Speed rambled as she looked at Wander with a very serious look in her eyes. “It’s still a good name.”

“Why?” Wander asked with a frown that I glimpsed within her shadowy hood.

“Because it’s cool!” Speed said, using her wings to help her rear up so she could strike a silly pose I am sure she thought was cool to declare, “Also, Luna is best Princess.”

Wander’s frown turned into an incredulous blink and a slight stumble on an loose bit of pavement. “W— what? Why?”

I shook my head slightly. “That statement doesn't’ even make any sense. How can somepony be the best Princess? There’s nothing to really measure that b—”

“False!” Speed proclaimed as she lowered herself back to all fours.

Oh! Right! Height. Because Alicorns. Duh!

“If we can measure this at all, then Celestia was the best Princess,” Wander interrupted with a scoffing snort. “Luna didn’t make a utopia out of a war-torn land while at least sixteen kingdoms fought over it.”

Speed shook her head sharply. “Actually, she did!”

Wander shook her head right back. “No, she didn't.”

“Totally did,” Speed said matter-of-factly as she continued to trot backwards with confidence. “Celestia did the diplomacy and magic, which is important but not actually kingdom-founding on its own. It was Luna who led the armies on the battlefields and actually conquered the territories that became Equestria. Luna united the lands in the first place, which is way more difficult than managing a nation that already exists. Very few ponies will violently resist a slight change of economic policy. The forging of Classical Equestria was a joint operation, wherein Luna did the lion’s share of the work…”

Speed trailed off frowned, then smiled as if she had an epiphany. “Come to think of it, that’s probably why the last war got so bad! All of Luna’s previous wartime experience said that raising cities, looting towns, burning crops, and demanding personal tribute with the enemy's request to surrender were all normal things to do in wartime. Outdated tactics, you know? Anyways, Luna is obviously best Princess because she is blue.”

Wander and I stopped walking and stared at Speed for several long moments while she nervously squirmed, coming to a stop a few paces ahead of us, unsure as to what our stares meant.

In truth, I didn’t quite know either.

“D— Do you ascribe the quality of a pony’s abilities to their fur color, or something?” Wander asked, her jaw hanging open.

Speed shook her head while frowning slightly, one ear drooped down to the side. “N— No? That’s stupid. Blue is just a better color than kind-of-pink-but-not-really-actually-mostly-white, and way better than normal boring pink.”

“Soooo,” I said slowly as I tried to process the logic. “Luna is best Princess because she’s your favorite color?”

Before Speed could reply a gunshot split the air.

My head snapped up. I’d been so focused on our conversation that I hadn’t noticed we’d reached the mouth of a two lane off-ramp from the highway which would have lead up the mountainside to Canterlot if the road hadn’t been demolished in the artillery barrage that had toppled the city from the mountainside. The off-ramp entrance was fortified with a layer of auto-wagon shells, and even a few pony-pulled wagons, which had been tipped on their sides to form a crude wall in front of a rather junky-looking camp.

A camp which, at the moment, was occupied by about fifteen various mares and stallions, all of whom were dressed in the Tainted’s uniform.

Of the six soldiers, the one next to the unicorn who had just fired the warning shot was perhaps the most terrifying, and also the most interesting. He was a somewhat tall one-winged pegasus who had an olive green long coat and pointed cap rather than a flak-vest, and of course, a battle saddle containing a pair of multi-barreled plasma rifles.

“Oh… poop,” I groaned as I told my link-module it was time for battle.

At least they didn’t recognise me on sight.

Speed frowned and turned around. “Wait, you hadn't seen them?”

“Good evening, my friends,” the long-coat clad pegasus called as he gave us a faux-friendly wave and smiled with a row of perfectly white teeth. “I’m afraid this is a toll road. Normally, the toll is everything you have, but, seeing as how your Zebra friend’s cannon might give us a little trouble in relieving you of all your belongings, if you’d simply hand over any food you might be carrying, we’ll let you be on your way.”

Wander froze in place. In spite of her telekinesis, she couldn’t exactly manage a stealthful drawing of Bad Trip. I was the only pony with my weapons out and pointed at the enemy.

The six of them were standing just close enough for me to take them out with two, maybe three grenades. Unfortunately, they had friends behind the wall who had cover and would likely be able to snipe us off as we fled.

Even worse, we didn’t have any food and I knew for a fact they wouldn’t believe us if we said so.

“All I got is three canteens of blood. Do you drink blood?” Speed offered kindly as she turned around to face the Tainted squad.

The pegasus sighed. “Do you really want to do things the hard way? Come now, give us your rations and avoid trouble.”

Wander cleared her throat. “I’m a ghoul, my zebra friend brews a potion that keeps her fed for a month at a time, and our thestral friend is a hemovore. We really are only carrying blood for her to drink.”

“Speed,” I asked quietly. “Do you like any of those ponies?”

I need to be sure…

“What ponies?” Speed asked honestly confused.

Oh! Good. That’s our little murder-machine being scary at a good moment for a change.

“I’m going to count to three,” the officer said as she slowly shook his head. “If you don’t start going through your saddlebags and leaving your rations on the ground, I will treat you to a plasma-bath. Ahem; One…”

Speed frowned, and I could tell by the flick of her fluffy ears when it finally clicked for her that we were being robbed.

“Two…” The officer continued, his eyes narrowing.

I shifted position and got ready to fire.

”Gears! Shields!”

Oh, right! I have those!

I closed my eyes to quickly focus on activating my Gale Shield. I opened them in time to see the light purple shimmer as they activated. And also just in time to watch Speed make her opening move.

With what I could only describe as a mighty squee, Speed drew her shotgun while jumping up and off to her left, using her wings to force herself into a roll which somehow brought her to a point just above the three bright green plasma bolts which sizzled through the air below her.

Not wanting to see what plasma would do to a Canterlot Ghoul, I jumped in front of Wander so she’d have me and my shield for cover, and began to recalculate my targeting solutions.

I heard Wander’s cloak rustle and then the raptor-like shriek of Bad Trip joined the dozens of gunshots. Bullets plinked against my shield, making it crackle and spark. I could feel its limited energy draining faster than my core could power its magical prot—

Speed’s shotgun thundered. Both barrels flashed in unison. The officer’s head vanished in a spray of viscera, his hat sailing halfway back to the wall. Speed’s hooves touched down for the first time since she began her jump.

I caught a blur of Speed’s left wing as she snapped her shotgun’s barrels open, then closed, and then fired again in one smooth motion, deleting the left flank of a poor mare who’d been armed with a switchblade and a fake revolver which had a painted tin can for a cylinder so the weapon still looked functional.

Before I could entirely process what I’d just seen, Speed dropped down, reloaded, fired a third pair of shells which blew another soldier's flack-vested ribcage apart, then reloaded again.

Celestia’s bucking cake fetish! She could work that shotgun fast as a single action revolver!

Not wanting to hit Speed with a grenade, I took aim with my LAER and fired at the right-most soldier who had been reaching for their chest in order to throw a grenade of her own at me. The lightning bolt missed her, but she dropped to the ground where a follow up shot from Wander pegged her squarely between the eyes.

Speed turned, ran for one of the tipped over auto-wagons, and with exactly three deft movements she jumped up its underside and vanished over the top of the wagon to take on the bulk of the enemy in the camp.

“She’s clear, fire!” Wander shouted. She didn’t have to tell me twice.

Speed was clear, but the two surviving Tainted who had been part of the squad we’d initially faced were too busy running for the hills in opposite directions for me to hit both with one shot. Rude!

“I got the one on the left,” I announced and started to turn.

As I turned to fire, through the camp’s gate I saw a red earth pony with an assault rifle fire off half a mag while looking beyond horrified.

Something in the camp exploded with a sharp bang.

I winced, hoping Speed hadn’t taken any of those bullets or shrapnel from the explosion as I unleashed Feature’s wrath on the fleeing mare in my sights. She vanished in a fireball, and I turned back to the Camp, ready to move in if I had to.

“Got mine,” Wander announced. “Advance to the wall! We need to cover Speed so she can re—”

A pair of shotgun blasts cut Wander off. We ran towards the gate, knowing there was no way Speed could handle what had sounded like fifteen ponies on her own.

Sure, she’d cleared out everypony in the cave in front of her stable, but that was after using a flashbang on them. In a cave! No way those ponies weren’t totally disoriented for the entire fire fight.

I ran to the gate and peeked inside. The camp was pretty simple. Firepit. A few tents. A couple shacks made from scrap metal. Seven tainted corpses with massive holes in them scattered about as decoration… Wait…

“Concentrate your fire! She can’t dodge us all!” a stallion shouted.

“Yes I can! What are those bullets using, black powder?” Speed laughed.

That same red one from before! I saw him take cover behind an old engine block a second after firing.

I turned my head quickly, trying to see where Speed was so I could tell if I could fire Feature safely or not. Speed was hunched over an enemy’s corpse. Her pipbuck was glowing with a dim white light, almost like a unicorn's horn. An accompanying glow surrounded her shotgun, which was floating by her side while she wrenched a chainsaw from the dead pony’s hooves.

Oh! It must have a military TK spell-chip. Nice!

I turned away from Speed, and saw a group of three Tainted as they got ready to fire. Feature shot first. The round sailed through the air and hit the mare at the front of the group square in the heart. Which was pretty bad, I thought, because I’d been aiming for her right lung.

The group vanished in a flash of fire and shrapnel.

Now. Where was assault rifle pony?

I peeked further around the corner.

Speed finished ripping the chainsaw out of the corpse’s deathgrip. “Ah! A chainsaw,” she said happily.

I got a look around the side of the engine block. Red was no longer behind it. Where had he gone?

One of the shacks wasn't too far away, and its door was open.

I hummed and started to line a shot up to arc through the shack’s window. The shack was big enough that one grenade wouldn’t cover the whole interior. I’d need to put one in each corner. How to do that and get each one to explode in—

“The great communicator!” Speed exclaimed as she reared up, spread her wings for balance, and revved the chainsaw before rushing headlong into the shack on her hind legs, saw gripped firmly with her forehooves. “Allow me to communicate to you my desire to have your gun!”

Okay, I guess I don’t need to shoot the shack. There’s four unaccounted for. Where—

A burst of rifle rounds cut through the air and punched a series of holes through the shack’s tin roof. The chainsaw revved loudly.

“HEY! Cut that out, playtime isn’t over!” Speed yelled over the roar of the chainsaw. Somehow the squeaky tone of her voice carried clearly over gunshot and engine alike. “We’re playing Tag You’re Bucking Dead!”

My thought process derailed as the air was filled with a stallions screams and the wet, visceral, squelching sound of a chainsaw tearing through flesh.

“Luna’s blood,” Wander whispered in terror as one of Red’s legs flew out the shack’s window.

It wasn’t the goriest’ thing I’d seen in the Heartlands… but it was definitely up there. “No, that guy’s blood,” I corrected reflexively.

Speed laughed shortly after the leg hit the ground. “Oh, I see you already know how to play!”

A bullet smacked into my shield and shattered it. I yelped and turned to see where the shot had come from. Wander was faster and fired three shots, dropping the stallion who had fired at us.

“Awww, dang it!” Speed exclaimed loudly.

My head whipped around to look back at the shack. Speed stood in the doorway, still balanced on her hind legs, gore-coated chainsaw in hoof, shotgun and assault rifle floating at her sides. I ran my eyes up and down her blood-soaked Stable jumpsuit searching for any sign of injury. That was much easier said than done. It looked like half of Red’s blood and guts had splashed across her barrel while she was carving him up.

“Were you hit?” I asked as I turned to keep an eye on the tents.

There were four ponies unaccounted for…

“No,” Speed sighed as she flicked the gore off of her hat. “You got the last one. I wanted to try out my new gun!”

“Last?” Wander said with a worried frown. “I heard about fourteen—”

Speed shook her head and pointed towards the wall, to a point we couldn’t see form our spot in the camp’s gateway. “I landed on top of one there, broke his neck with my thighs, shot his friend over there, took out those guys as they left the tent by shooting one of their grenades, then two of them threw down their guns and ran away… I thought I could probably hit them but then I remembered Princess Luna said you should let fleeing foes go so I decided to get a new toy instead.”

I frowned and stepped inside to take a look. Sure enough, two ponies’ bodies were slumped against the wall. One without a head, the other with an exceptionally broken neck… Since the head had come almost completely off.

I felt like I should be bothered more by the carnage left in Speed’s wake, but to be honest, after seeing Gale turn a whole crowd of ponies to mulch… I think my bar for being horrified by actual viscera had been greatly raised.

My imagination had definitely made her out to be worse than she actually was.

Then again… She did seem disappointed by the lack of more enemies.

I shivered and turned my head back towards Speed to ask a question. She used her PipBuck granted Telekinesis to spin her shotgun around like a cowpony holstering a revolver, and slid it into her back-holster while sliding the chainsaw into a sheath on the opposite side, and slinging the assault rifle’s strap over her shoulder so her new weapons formed an x across her back with her shotgun.

Wander and I blinked.

“Where did you get a chainsaw scabbard?” Wander asked for both of us.

“That guy,” Speed answered pointing to the pony she’d taken the chainsaw from in the first place.

“About that,” I asked, doing my best to try and not panic. She was our friend. “I know you just killed like, eleven ponies in about thirty seconds—”

Speed sighed sadly and looked down at her hooves. “I know! They sucked so much! I was hoping it would be a little fun but like, that wasn’t even a challenge,” she whined before looking up with a cheerful smile. “It was still nice to run through a new battle, though! I like how in real life I don't get to loop things thousands of times to perfect them. It keeps everything so much more fresh and interesting!”

“Is that why you thought it was a good idea to loot in the middle of a battle?” I asked.

I hoped that didn’t sound too mom-ish but—

Speed nodded. “Mhm! Don’t worry! I knew I was fine. The guy who gave me this,” she paused to pat the stock of her new rifle, “Couldn’t shoot for shit! Spray and pray all the way. Given the typical spread of an Ironshod Firearms G-113 and how poorly he was controlling is recoil, he didn’t have a chance of hitting a smol target at twenty yards with it set to full-auto, and I could hear where he was amining anyways. Also like, holy Luna, their bullets are so slow! I had plenty of time to roll over and throw his friend’s corpse up to take the bullets for me if I had to.”

Wander and I stood there in silence for a long moment, processing that, as well as the full extent of the gore-strewn camp we were standing in. It didn’t look like three mares had assaulted the camp. It looked like a squad of Applejack’s Rangers had airdropped into the middle of the camp and had a raider-stomping party. I heard they do that when they can.

“Uh… J— Just be more careful in the future,” I said slowly.

“Yeah,” Wander added quietly. “You never know when one of them might get lucky.”

Speed waved a forehoof dismissively and giggled. “Please! They didn’t stand a chance. I mean, plasma-shotgun-pony almost did. He sounded like he could have pegged me with a follow-up shot if he got the chance. That why I deleted his head. How about you girls? Are you hit?”

I shook my head. “No. I have shields and armor.”

Wander smirked. “I was… But, as a Highlander—”

“You’re from the Equestrian highlands?” Speed and I asked in unison, both equally excited.

Speed, because she was well, Speed. I, on the other hoof, was delighted to learn anything new about my marefr—

Wander sighed and closed her eyes tightly. “You know what sucks the most about being a ghoul? Not only will nopony get your jokes, but you can’t track down a copy of a movie to show them so they get them,” she grumbled while glaring off to the south. “Bucking Zebras… Couldn’t have waited another week. Then I could have gotten to see the sequel!”

I cleared my throat and give Wander a loving hug. “It’s okay.”

“It’s so not,” Wander sighed before hugging me back. “I wanted to see that movie so bad. Point is, I don’t need to worry about being shot. Just about losing my head.”

“I still don’t like you getting shot,” I said, increasing my hug’s squeeze factor by fourteen percent.

Speed shifted from hoof to hoof. “I don't like my friends getting shot either. That’s why I decided to draw all the fire… C— Can I have one of those?”

Wander blinked in surprise and turned to look at Speed with a frown. “You mean a hug?”

“Yeah! That’s what that is? That!” Speed confirmed with a nod. “It looks... nice.”

Wander and I shared a look. On one hoof, Speed not knowing what a hug was probably explained most everything about her. On the other hoof… Aside from her hat she was filthy with unspeakable gore.

Wander shook her head for me. “Let’s get you cleaned up first. You’re kinda, uh… covered in… Look, I don’t want to wash my cloak, and Celestia’ won't save you from what I’ll do to you if you get my last scarf dirty!” Wander exclaimed.

Speed’s tufted ears drooped. “Oh… S— sorry. I’ll try to keep clean in the future.”

“We should keep going. There’s a river she can take a quick bath in not too far from here, right?” I asked Wander hopefully.

Speed might like the smell of a slaughterhouse. I did not.

Wander mhmed and pointed up the ramp. “Yeah, just across that ridge we’ll go over the river, hit Glyphmark, then Canterlot will be… Uh, well, at the bottom of the mountain now. Downside, I don’t know where exactly their ‘graves’ are in the rubble pile…”

I felt my ears droop down. “D— Do you want to visit them?”

Wander nodded and let go of me, and began to walk through the camp. “Yeah… I try to every time I pass by.”

I opened my mouth to reply but was cut off by two bright flashes of red light on the mountainside. I snapped my head up, ready to put half a belt of grenades into the attackers. Nothing. There was nothing.

The MoA communicator I’d clipped to my armor’s collar chirped and Mare Do Well’s voice quietly whispered to me. “Hey kid. Saw your fight. The two that got away were setting up a sniper’s nest. I took care of them for ya.”

I eeped and reached down to press the comm so I could talk. “Thanks, Mare!”

“No problem… Also tell that cutie in the hat she’s gotta show me how she did that neck-break sometime. That was awesome! Oh, and, you now owe me one!” Mare teased before her voice went dead.

Speed triple blinked. “Do hoods count as hats?”

Wander shook her head. “Nope.”

“So, she thinks I’m cute?” Speed asked with a frown. “What’s cute mean?”

Wander stopped mid-step and groaned. I gave her my best sympathetic look. I finally understood something.

“This is how you feel when telling me about sex-stuff, isn’t it?”

“Yep…” Wander sighed. “Come on, you can explain what ‘cute’ is to her while we’re on the road to Glyphmark. With Tainted this close, somepony needs to make sure they’re okay?”

“What’s Glyphmark?” Speed and I asked together.

Huh. We keep doing that…

“You’ll like it. Only zebra town remaining in the NCR,” Wander said as she waved for us to get moving. “Come on! I want to make sure the only source of potions in the NCR is safe.”

Zebra town? With potion brewing infrastructure? Now that gave me an idea!

“Anyways,” Wander announced loudly. “Where was I?”

Her horn glowed as she reactivated her voice-changing spell. It was story time! Yey!

“Ahem,” Wander cleared her throat, speaking in Pip’s voice. “There was an odd orange glow on the horizon, like an angry dawn was approaching. But the glow was from the wrong direction, and there were many hours before the first hints of daylight. The sun and the moon had gone wild, raising and setting by their own whims, but even those whims seemed to have a clockwork precision.

“What are we looking at?”

“Fires,” Calamity answered. “That out there’s the Everfree Forest. Looks like Red Eye’s got the whole backside ablaze.”

Xenith queried, “Do you think Red Eye’s troops might be near Stable Two?”

“Naw, not a chance,” Calamity answered. “Those fires are over a day away. Wouldn’t make no sense for ‘em t’ be anywhere near Ponyville.”.”

Speed cleared her throat and waved a hoof to get Wander’s attention. “Hey! Uh, can you do the other character’s voices for their lines?”

“Yes,” Wander said while still using Pip’s voice. “But, I’m not gonna. Now be quiet and listen! I leaned against Velvet Remedy, using her soft body for physical support…”

☢★★◯★★☢

When Wander had said Glyphmark was a zebra town, I had imagined a town. With houses, people, and… Well, things!

Glyphmark was not a town.

Glyphmark was a series of shanty-shacks that could only barely called a dwellings scattered around a tetanus-paradise of a junkyard and surrounded by a defensive wall so poorly constructed and crumbling I was pretty sure that I could shoulder my way right through it in the middle of a charge.

Before the upgrades…... Or the repairs...

The only structure in the entire town I could comfortably call a building was the half-collapsed ruins of a place which, based on the road signs we had passed on the way into town, was once an Angel Bunny Pharmaceuticals. I honestly couldn’t tell what the original building had looked like. The crumbling concrete structure looked like someone had hit it with balefire. Twice.

Here and there amongst the squallor (and that was squallor by wasteland standards), dots of actual civilization could be seen. Old aquariums repurposed as single-crop mini-greenhouses, old soda-bottles and pans cut and wonder-glued to form alchemical equipment, sometimes even on a bench! I even saw an ancient, decaying, patched up tarp set up in a hole to form a crude solar still.

Either Glyphmark was home to the laziest zebras ever, or nopony here understood how to price potions. Or market potions. Seriously how do you be a poor alchemist?

Honestly, the entire town seemed like an insult to my adopted species. I’d been looking forward to giving them a radio and seeing what would come from our shamen trading lore and ingredients. But they had no shamen. They barely had enough to keep themselves alive.

Large scale trade with Glyphmark was out of the question.

On the upside, after talking to a few of the shockingly young zebras who inhabited it, the Tainted had not attacked their settlement. Probably because it did not look like there was anything to be gained here.

Hopefully I could at the very least get some potion ingredients here. I did promise Wander I’d brew one for her.

“I’m glad you’re safe,” Wander said with a smile as she began to walk away from the young stallion who’d come out to greet us.

He nodded, making his dreadlocked mane wiggle. “You have our thanks for taking care of them. They wouldn’t have left us alone forever.”

Speed flashed him a fanged smile. “You’re welcome!”

She and Wander began to trot away. I, on the other hoof, had one more question.

I cleared my throat politely and looked the young zebra in the eyes. “Is there any chance I could get the ingredients for a fairly simple potion? My friend has been wanting to try a vision quest since before the war.”

To my surprise, the young stallion nodded. “Of course! We keep everything you’ll need for the Spirit’s Draught on hoof. “

Wander’s ears perked, lifting her hood. “Oh yeah! You said you could brew that for me. How soon can we do that?”

“If they have everything I need? Tonight, if you’d like,” I answered with a smile.

It wasn’t necessarily a good idea to use it tonight. But... the brewing process only took about twenty minutes. It could conceivably be done over a campfire, too. You only needed one pot.

The young stallion pointed down the trail of loose dirt and rust-dust I was going to generously call a path and cleared his throat. “You want that hut there. Madam Orma is in charge of our potion store.”

Another thing to dislike about Glyphmark. Everyone here was a Zebra. Maybe the settlement was a happy, thriving, fun-loving community most of the time… But they certainly weren’t going to be happy when a spirit-zebra hybrid was standing nearby…

After all, the nervous little gulp he’d made made it very clear he was uncomfortable talking to me.

“Thank you,” I said with a smile before trotting down the path to the slightly-better-constructed shanty he’d indicated.

Unlike most of them, it had a solid roof. It had been made from some old tarps and sailcloth. Probably because it needed to keep the potion ingredients dry. I ducked through the half-rotten bedsheets which served as a door and was immediately assaulted by the smell of several hundred different ingredients in their processed forms!

The smell was positively overwhelming. It was like sticking my muzzle into a box of ground spices. Which spices? All of them, of course!

The shanty’s interior was filled with boxes, jars, cans, and every other form of container, each filled with ingredients and carefully labeled. I had been wrong. There was something valuable to steal from this town. Not enough to trade, but certainly worth taking from them by force.

Maybe they kept the town appearing as it did to make ponies disbelieve any notion of such a stockpile of potion ingredients existed within the town’s ramshackle walls. Or maybe, this was the first bit of infrastructure Glyphmark had developed and it had been finished, like, yesterday.

“Can I help you?” a rather rough and raspy mare’s voice asked.

I peered through the dimly lit (sunlight even at this late hour, via several cracks in the walls) room and my eyes fell upon a very old zebra mare with one eye dressed in an ancient, nearly worn out, Zebrican State Alchemist’s uniform.

I nodded, cleared my throat, and asked, “Yes, ma’am. I need to make the Spirit’s Draught for my ghoulish friend. Are you willing to sell me the ingredients?”

“That I am, that I am…” the ancient zebra cooed, stroked her muzzle then nodded as she smiled at me hungrily. “That said, such a potion would not help your friend in the way you’d think.”

“What?” Wander asked worriedly.

I raised an eyebrow. “Why not? I’ve seen it work for ponies hundreds of times.”

“Ah, for ponies yes… But she is not truly a pony. She is one of the new undead,” Madam Orma said with a slim smile. “Of the kind who once lived on the mountain above us, if I am not mistaken.”

“We’re not immune to poisons,” Wander remarked. “Potions should work on us still. Hell, I can even get drunk! After… well, after a lot more than it used to take.”

“So you can, so you can,” Madam Orma said with a slow nod. “And just as you can be drunk, you can benefit from the Spirit’s Draught, if you imbibe another potion first. A tonic, to be precise. A recent formulation, though older than I am. One which will, for a few hours, make you feel and act as if you were alive inside once more.”

I raised my other eyebrow. If correct, that tonic’s recipe would prove invaluable to Lith! It could conceivably restore sanity to a feral ghoul for a few hours. If we did that, then administered a bloodice amulet, maybe we could lock them in a mentally stable state and—

“Uh, couldn’t that cause major problems?” Wander asked slowly, raising her foreleg and pulling back the sleeve of her jumpsuit to reveal her own integral hardware. “Like, say, if I had a PipBuck fuzed to my leg, and my body acted as if it were alive—”

“Our Lady Pip is alive, and she has one fused to her leg,” Madam Orma said with that same thin smile. “Such an injury will not kill you. Though, of course, if there is something in your heart, or head, well… Yes, you would perish.”

“How much are we talking for the tonic?” I asked suspiciously.

“For anyone else?” the old zebra mare said with a friendly smile. “Five hundred caps. For you? I’m willing to give a distant cousin a discount. I can accept no less than three hundred caps for the tonic, three twenty for the tonic with the ingredients, and I will give you the tonic in its final, drinkable form, and all of the ingredients you will need to brew the Draught ready to mix.”

I gave her a suspicious look. This felt like a scam. There was no way that you would need to partially restore a ghoul to life just to make a potion work on them.

Apparently that look was all Speed needed. Leather rustled as she drew her shotgun, snapped open the barrels, chambered two shells, then snapped it closed before anypony could react.

“I don’t like it when my friends are getting conned,” Speed said emotionlessly as she cradled her shotgun, its twin barrels pointed at the floor so with one little twitch of her neck, the barrels would be aimed squarely at the old mare’s heart.

My eyes widened in terror, partially because an old mare, dishonest or not, didn’t deserve to die over a scam I saw through. Partially because if Speed fired that in here, some of the more volatile ingredients could conceivably ignite!

Madam Orma laughed as the shotgun was pointed in her direction and gave Speed a more genuine smile. “Relax, soldier… Relax! You can hardly blame an old mare for wanting her grandfoals to eat, can you?”

Speed blinked. “Yes I can?”

“She’s... Not quite right in the head,” I summarized. “She's very trigger-happy though. I don't want to sound like I am threatening you, but I would rather she didn’t fire that thing in a room which, based on the smell, contains powdered pyrostone.”

Speed frowned and lowered her shotgun slightly. “Wait, there’s flammable stuff in here?”

“Yes,” I said with a slow nod. “So please, put the shotgun away.”

Speed nodded, sheathed her shotgun, and drew her chainsaw.

The zebra mare laughed again. “Ah, to be young again… Or even so foolish as to believe a gun of all things would frighten me when standing eye to eye with an abomination does not,” she said with a glimmer in her eyes.

My ears twitched irritably. Yep. That’s how the first two generations of zebras in Lith treated me. Thanks for the reminder, bitch!

“There is a version of the potion which will have the intended effect upon a Canterlot Ghoul,” Madam Orma continued. “A slight twist on the ancient recipe to compensate for the powerful necromantic energies within her body. I will tell it to you for forty caps, and give you the ingredients for a further thirty. Seventy in all.”

“Deal,” I said and turned my head to open my saddlebag and take out some caps.

Speed smiled to herself and sheathed her chainsaw.

“I got this,” Wander said as she passed a small cloth bag to Madam Orma with her magic. “There’s enough there for the recipe, and four doses of the potion. I might want to do more than one, you know?”

The ancient zebra and I turned to face Wander at the same time, both aghast at the thought. “No you will not!” we said together.

Wander pursed her lips. “Ooookay,” she said slowly. “Keep the change then. Buy your town guard a blade to stick on her lead pipe or something.”

Madam Orma nodded, tucked the bag of caps into her uniform’s tasseled jacket, then turned around and handed me everything I’d expected, plus a small bundle of what looked like a single stock of Bear's-Head Tooth Mushroom.

“Brew the potion as you normally would, but at the end, chop the stalk into small rings and add them to the potion. Simmer until they fully dissolve, else the potion will simply kill her rather than grant her a vision,” Madam Orma said slowly and carefully.

As if I were eight years old.

Yes. That’s what messing up any stage of the potion brewing would do… I’m not an amateur! I am good at this one thing, dammit!

“Thank you,” I said, taking everything and tucking the ingredients into my saddlebags.

“Uh… So, you won't buck that up, right?” Wander asked with a worried little grin.

I smiled. “Nope. I’ve brewed more than enough to know to not serve anypony anything with chunks still in it.”

“Good,” Madam Orma said with a sage nod. “I have other business to attend, and I am certain you do as well. I suggest you go about it.”

I could tell by her tone of voice that as well as she had taken Speed’s threat, she didn’t like us much at all. I gave the mare a half-respectful bow and turned, leaving her shop.

I had the feeling that if the addition of the mushroom stalk didn’t help, I was pretty sure Speed would be paying her a second, much less pleasant, visit.

I was almost okay with that idea.

☢★★◯★★☢

We reached the Canterlot Ruins by sunset. I hadn’t really known what to expect. Rubble? There was plenty of it. Chunks of buildings? Plenty of those to go around as well. They jutted up from the rubble pile like broken teeth protruding from decaying gums.

Here and there, a partially intact golden dome could be seen standing or laying amidst the dusty graying marble which lay in a massive heap at the base of the mountain.

I’d expected that.

What I hadn't expected was the rivlets of pink liquid that seeped through the cracks between the stones like blood leaking from the mangled carcass of an animal. The distant unearthly moans and howls of trapped ghouls which had regenerated in the rubble, mixed with the faint hiss and pop of the liquified Pink Cloud flashing back into a gas which blanketed the rubble in a thin pinkish fog.

That’s everything a pony would see. I wasn’t a pony.

The rubble itself radiated with a low, pulsating, necromantic energy. The very spirit which had once inhabited the ancient city’s stone had not only died in the Cloud, it had been twisted in its death, corrupted, and reborn as… Some kind of spirit-ghoul!

Gah! No! The tooth was right!

“Yeah! Okay! He was right! Not going into that cloud!” I shouted as I took a step back from the mangled undead ruin which lay in a broken heap, probably waiting for unsuspecting spirits to enter it so they could be devoured.

Somepony needed to perform a banishing ritual to end all banishment rituals on the ruins. Before this thing animated itself one day and started to roam the land murdering… well… everything!

”Hon, you’re being overly worried.”

AM I?! AM I REALLY?!

”Yes. We both know that can’t actually happen.”

Wander blinked. “Uh, why would I take you two into the ruins? We don’t have to go in there… For all I know she… she wound up on the edge anyways,” she murmured quietly.

“Who?” Speed whispered into my ear.

“Her wife from before the war died here,” I replied quietly.

“Codex updated. Thanks!” Speed whispered happily.

I stared at Speed for a moment. What do you even mean by that you weirdo floofball?

Speed cleared her throat and trotted over to where Wander stood, staring out at the rubble from the top of the hill the highway ended on.

“Sooo,” Speed asked slowly. “What is the cloud and why does Gears not want to go in it? Is she afraid of pink?”

Wander snickered. “What?”

“You know, pink. The color,” Speed said with a little explanatory role of her hoof. “Lots of colts seem to be afraid of it. I figure some fillies have to be too, right?”

“You should be afraid of that pink,” Wander said with a chuckle. “It will either kill you, turn you into a ghoul like me, or permanently meld whatever you were wearing to your body, even into your body.”

Speed’s ears perked. “It can stick things to you? That’s pretty interesting… Wait! Ranger training! That’s Pink Cloud, isn’t it?”

“Yep,” Wander said drly. “You can tell by how it’s pink, and is a cloud.”

I trotted up to the two of them and smiled. “The Zebra name for it translates as the Devourer of Flesh and Soul.”

“That sounds way better and also worse!” Wander exclaimed with a shiver.

Speed nodded. “I know what you mean…” she said as she drew her shotgun and then held it against her left foreleg so the barrels were flush with her hoof. “Hummm…”

Oh… Oh no…

I took a deep breath and put a hoof on her right shoulder. “Speed, that is a terrible idea.”

“Or is it?” Speed said with a quizzical smile.

“It’s a horrible idea,” Wander agreed as she rubbed her pipbuck-infused-leg.

Speed hummed and pursed her lips. “I don’t see how having a motherbucking gun for a hoof is any kind of bad, other than the cool kind of bad.”

“It won't fire without you pulling the trigger,” Wander said as she gave Speed a very serious look. “It will still function like it does now. I can’t control my pipbuck with my mind. That’s not how it works.”

Speed’s lips pulled back in a pointy, adorable frown. “Sooo, I couldn’t eat shotgun shells and then blow things to hell with a wave of my hoof?”

“No!” Wander and I said together.

Speed’s spirits fell so far I was worried she might drop dead from pure sadness. “Aww…”

Wander sighed in relief then turned to me. “So… Potion! Vision quest! Let’s get on that.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Here?”

In the rubble of a fallen city where your strongest memories are ones that haunt you with regrets? Why in the world would—

”Remember how I mentioned mares being, to the last, very crazy?” Imaginary dad sounded smug…

Dad. I’m a mare. I’m not crazy.

”Nopony is ever crazy from their own point of view. I would like to point out you’ve been doing nothing but delivering the mail for two centuries.”

But I like being a mailmare!

Wander nodded as if she were proposing we do something sensible. “Yep. You said you could do it tonight.”

“Yes, I did,” I replied evenly. “I thought there would be a town, or a shack, or something. You’ll be unconscious for at least an hour. It’s a terrible idea to drink it out in the open!”

A very seriously major bad idea. Sure, she’d have Speed and I to protect her, but if some monster or bandit had any kind of ability to lay waste to a large area at once, she’d be a literal sleeping ghoul!

“Please brew it anyways,” Wander more ordered than asked.

I could see the look in her eyes. That was the same kind of iron will that she showed any time I was pushing too far against any of her major issues.

“Wander, I’m serious. It’s a bad idea. Can you please wait ‘til we’re in a town?” I asked trying to give her back my own adamant glare configuration of doom.

She shook her head. Impervious, again!

“I want to try it near where they died,” Wander said adamantly. “If there’s even a chance to talk to a fragment of them, I want to get that chance.”

Buck!

“Can we at least find a safer place to make our camp?” Speed asked hopefully.

Wander nodded and gave her a look which carried a serious questioning of her intelligence. “Of course. I’m not a total idiot! You and Gears can keep me safe for a measly hour. Especially since Gears can and should call Mare Do Well up and ask her to give us an eye in the sky.”

My ears perked up. “Oh! That’s actually a good idea and does help… Okay. I’ll brew the potion if we can find a mostly sheltered area.”

“I know just the place,” Wander said as she turned towards the mountain. “Come on.”

☢★★◯★★☢

Half an hour later we reached a small cave-like overhang of rock which Wander apparently used as her campsite every time she came to pay her friends a visit since the Fall. It was large enough for the three of us to set up a small camp with a fire and be visible from just one side.

Which was good, because Mare hadn’t answered my radio calls. Whatever her mission was, she must have been on it at the moment.

I was still very nervous about lighting a fire in the middle of the wasteland, but with Speed laying prone with her assault-rifle set to single-fire covering the only approach up the hill to the shelter, I felt like the risk was pretty minimal. Especially if none of us stood directly next to the fire where a sniper could get a good shot on one of us thanks to the light.

I had managed to use a few of the odds and ends Wander had found while savanging the ruins below us for firewood to make a small tripod I could hang Wander’s cooking pot over for brewing in. Spirit’s Draught was simple enough to brew. Easier than coffee, technically.

It didn’t need to be filtered or strained, or anything more than a little stirring. Everything dissolved fully into the water. The only trick was to add the ingredients in the right order, at the correct times. You had some leeway with timing, of course. It was the sort of potion a zebra could brew by accident while trying to make a crude soup out of some common but not typically paired ingredients to stave off hunger pains. Legend has it, that’s how it was first discovered.

That poor zeeb must have been really, really traumatized by the entire affair, but she’d had the presence of mind to write down her findings regardless.

Wander sat and watched while I brewed. I could tell she was fascinated by the process but didn’t want to interrupt. So I’d started telling her what I was doing as I did it.

“Okay, the film on the top is dissolving now. That means it’s time for the yam,” I said as I added the powdered yam to the mixture. “That’s right. This was once a yam. It could be made with a fresh yam, but that would increase the brewing time until it fully dissolved.”

That first zeeb must have also been the worst cook on Equus.

“Hey, uh, Gears?” Speed asked uncertainty.

I turned to look her way. “Is someone approaching?”

Wander drew Bad Trip from under her cloak. “Focus on the potion. Don’t buck it up.”

Speed cleared her throat. “Yeah, but they don’t look hostile… Hold on, those are uniforms!”

“NCR?” Wander asked curiously.

“Nah. No creepy gas masks that make them look like generic grinding mobs,” Speed said with a dismissive flick of her tail. “I… I think that’s… No, it's not the Royal Hussars, humm…”

Speed’s tail stood straight up as it came to her. “OH! That’s the Neighdian Gurkhas! Uh… Sooo, they don’t look hostile, but they are moving in a scouting formation and are probably here to check on the fire. Want me to go say hello?”

“Do you mean actually talk to them?” Wander asked, seeking the critically important information.

“I do now,” Speed replied evenly.

“If they started to come up the hill to attack us, and are more than just ponies who have those old uniforms, would they be a problem for you to drive off?” I asked carefully, not looking away formth epotion since the next ingredient would be added any second now.

“They could be, yes,” Speed admitted honestly. “They’ve got a nasty play dead trick involving an overdose of healing potion delivered via stim-pack, so you can blast their skulls open but a few moments later they sit back up and kill you, then take an antidote so they don't heal until they are one huge tumor. I can’t be sure if any of them have done that, or will do that during or just before a fight.”

“Yeah… Go find out who they are,” Wander ordered with a nervous twinge in her voice. “Detain, Question, Decide. It’s the only fair policy for anypony in a uniform that’s not Enclave or Tainted.”

“On it!” Speed announced before vanishing into the night.

I wasn’t looking at her, but based on how after a few hoofsteps Wander gasped, I had to assume that’s what happened.

I had work to do. Namely… “Now, we add the ground sagebrush leaves,” I said as I tossed the next bunch of powder into the pot.

Five minutes later, just as the bubbling liquid was beginning to turn a violent shade of red which made you question why anypony would willingly eat or drink it after this point, my ears twitched. The distinct sound of three sets of hooves marching in unison caught my ears.

Since the potion was a few minutes from a critical stage and didn’t really need more stirring, I turned and watched as Speed marched three mares into camp using her PipBuck’s TK module to hold them at the points of their own guns, which looked like some variety of light machine guns or select-fire marksmare rifles from the land of egregious overcompensation.

They were dressed in what were most definitely uniforms. Simple jungle green helmets, domed, covered the head but not the face or ears with a little silver phoenix with the wings spread as a decorative badge on the forehead. The same ballistic plate material was used to fashion a breastplate and a pair of slightly overbuilt pauldrons. Beneath the armor, each had a khaki jacket, with slightly darker khaki tactical harnesses festooned with brown leather pouches resting over the plates.

Furthering the military uniform image was the simple white rank stripes on their shoulders, and name tags (which were blacked out with some tape) and even what appeared to be a division pin on their jacket’s collars. They also had tall brown leather boots which seemed to have some ballistic plating over the knees, and thigh-high socks which looked like wool, but had an odd synthetic shine to them.

The weirdest thing to me was their uniforms didn’t appear to be used. Clothing in the Heartlands all had some level of wear and tear to it. Not these mares. Their uniforms were a little dirty, but otherwise looked new. I could tell that the violently-pink mare had even recently pressed her socks!

The three mares were all earth ponies. One pink, one even more violently pink, and one slightly less pink than the first. I could tell they were sisters based on their face shapes… And also that they were terrified out of their minds.

“Turns out they’re not Gurka,” Speed said calmly, though I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

“I’ll say they’re not,” Wander said her ears standing up in alarm. “They’re Los Pegasus Rangers. What are you guys doing way up here? Is a barge stuck in the river?”

“N— No, ma’am!” The group’s leader stammered. “W— we’re protecting an archeological expedition searching f— for Royal Relics, Ma’am. We were ordered to c— check the fire to see if it was a Tainted or Pipite camp, Ma’am. Please call off Batmare, Ma’am!”

Speed’s eyes narrowed with irritation. “I keep telling you, I’m a batpony, not a batmare, whatever that is!”

Wander bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing. “Speed, give these poor mares back their guns.”

Speeds ears drooped. I narrowed my eyes. “Speed… Give them back.”

“But they're nice guns!” Speed whimpered, her lips trembling.

“Speed… Behave,” Wander said firmly.

Speed sighed, looked down, and levitated the weapons back into each mare’s battle saddle. “Okay… But I don’t have an LMG yet.”

“We can buy one later,” I commented as I turned back to the potion.

Feature needed a cousin anyways!

Then I looked back up towards the three Rangers. “Wait… Where did you girls get new uniforms?”

“Los Pegasus prides itself on industry, ma’am!” the violently pink mare said in that ‘retail worker telling ponies a basic and obvious facet’ voice.

“We are the Wasteland’s armory!” Another shouted, also by total customer-service-agent reflex.

“Please take the time to participate in our survey after this encounter?” the last one asked in a sad completion of the customer-service-agent arc.

I instantly felt bad about asking the question.

“Um—” I began.

Wander waved a hoof at me and sat down. “Don’t worry about it. They do that,” she said before turning to look at the three with an apologetic smile. “Sorry about having Speed jump you girls, but I’m sure you know how it looks when three armed ponies are trotting up to your camp in the middle of the night.”

“Yes, Ma’am!” the lead mare agreed with a nod. “Sorry to disturb you… If we are free to go, would you mind telling me what you are doing here so I can file the proper report with my superior, Ma’am?”

“Yeah,” Wander agreed. “We’re just traveling. Stopped here for the night. My friend’s brewing a potion. That’s all… Wait, did you say there are Pipites nearby? But it’s not summer!”

The mare sighed. “It looks like they decided to start inducting new initiates in the fall, too. We ran into two of their priests performing the binding rite for initiates yesterday. There have to be more of them… We don’t want a… situation.”

“So, they hate each other. Why?” I asked as I tossed a hoof full of whole nutmeg seeds into the pot.

“Long story,” Wander said with a weary sigh. “Short version? The Pegans publicly announced they would be converting the Palace Casino in their city into a memorial for the Princesses, and asked for donations of any Equestrian royalty relics to be sent to them.”

“And that pissed the Pipits off… how?” I asked with a confused frown.

The least pink mare cleared her throat. “Well, they officially think that the Prince is using the Palace as his personal residence, and feel that the only pony worthy of such an honor is Pip herself,” she explained. “They also don’t like it when we dig for relics here. Apparently it taints the Cloud. Somehow…”

Wander tapped her chin with her hoof. “You know, I’ve been wondering about that. Does he...?”

The three soldiers shared a laugh. The medium-pink one grinned and shook her head. “No! I mean, yes, His Highness lives in the palace… But in the barracks, with the rest of us, and the craftsponies who are helping restore and renovate it. It’s not his personal home!”

“Our Prince works at your side,” the violently-pink one said with a solemn nod. “Not your back.”

Brief side note for myself, since their names were blacked out, they were not Violently-Pink, Normal-Pink, and Light-Pink.

Anywho, that was an interesting enough statement to make my ears perk and draw my attention away from the potion. I was going to ask a follow up question, but was stopped as Speed’s ears twitched and she grinned.

“Oop! Hold on a second,” she said before taking three steps back and almost literally vanishing into the shadows.

Okay, that had to have been because I was just staring into a pot over a fire!

Wander, the Rangers, and I shared a quick uncomfortable look.

“Sooo… can you guys hear her walk?” Light-Pink asked.

“Nope,” Wander and I said together.

“I’m telling you, she’s the batmare!” Violently-Pink hissed to her sisters.

Wander snorted in amusement. “I mean… If you ignored the no-kill rule, maybe? More of a Pink Hood, or Pun-neigh-sher, if you ask me.”

“Who?” Violently-Pink asked with a confused little frown.

Somewhere in the distance, Speed’s chainsaw reved, making the five of us jump.

We turned as one, and watched as Speed marched a stallion up the hill towards camp, forcing him along with the tip of her chainsaw held firmly against his taint, while floating a rather large scoped hunting rifle which he’d presumably been carrying at her side.

“Heretic!” The stallion screamed. “Our Lady will smite you from the face of this world with lightning and thunder and rain and maybe hail or unseasonable snow for daring to stop her agents in their sacred task! Unhoof me at once!”

Wander groaned. “Oh, Celestia, why?”

The three Rangers sighed and nudged their battle-saddle control arms up to the ready position.

I didn’t need to see how the pegasus stallion was dressed to realise he was a Pipite… But even if their reactions hadn’t told me what he was, his clothes would have.

The stallion was covered in cheap paint to make his fur gray and his mane brown. He was dressed in a series of blue and yellow rags stitched together into a crude approximation of a Stable suit, with the number 2 painted on the back in a yellowish-white. There was also a dark wet stain around the groin.

Hopefully that was pee from when Speed revved a chainsaw near his balls, and not blood...

“How did you see him?” Wander asked as Speed gave the stallion’s taint a firm jab with the point of her saw.

“Shut that hole before I give you new one, prisoner!” Speed bellowed before looking up at Wander and flashing her a grin while twitching her ears. “Baaaaaat-powers!”

Wander facehooved. “Oh. Right…” She sighed, opened her eyes and glared at the stallion. “The hell were you aiming at us for!”

“I wasn’t going to shoot you,” the stallion growled. “Just these… These grave robbers! If the Goddesses wanted ponies to pick through their belongings, they would not have let the Cloud persist for centuries, nor would they have allowed the Enclave to level Canterlot!”

I groaned and clenched my teeth. Celestia above… No wonder Homage and Pip hated these guys… As if the suicide bomber wasn’t evidence enough!

“You know that Pip wouldn’t approve of you killing them, right?” I asked the fake-stable-suit clad stallion in the hopes he would—

“Our Lady has forsaken violence on the personal level,” He replied evenly.

Oh good! They aren't all insa—

“She has left it to us to cleanse this world of evil!” He finished.

I facehooved. Hard.

Speed cleared her throat and revved her chainsaw, pulling it ever so slightly away from his flesh. The Pipite sniper whimpered. “Sooo, he’s confirmed hostile intent, and I am hungry…”

Normal-Pink squeaked. “W— Wait, she’s a cannibal?”

“Hemovore,” I corrected then frowned. “Huh… Well, I mean, kinda? She eats blood. But like, as her normal diet. It’s a bat thing. Does that count as cannibalism?”

“That’s… actually an interesting question,” Violently-Pink mused, resting her hoof on her chin.

Wander looked over to me. I could tell she genuinely didn’t care about Speed’s prisoner. I, on the other hoof, was with the Rangers. I didn’t want to cause an incident.

“Let him go,” I ordered.

Speed’s ears drooped. “Aww… He’s O-Negative, though! You’re lucky she cares, nameless cultist guy!” she said as she sheathed her chainsaw.

I cleared my throat and gave the Pipite my best diplomatic look. “Sir, we’re not with them. They came to see what the fire was about. We’re just travelers, here to pay respects to the fallen before moving on. We have no hostile intentions towards anypony who isn’t aiming weapons at us.”

He laughed and pointed to Speed with a wing. “Ha! Just travelers. Right! I know soldiers when I see them.”

Wander snorted. “She’s a soldier. We’re not. She’s just our psychotic soldier friend who keeps us safe from idiots who decide to set up sniper’s nests and point their barrels our way.”

“And also she’s probably Batmare,” Violently-Pink added.

Speed’s tail twitched. “I don’t even know what that is!”

The sniper closed his eyes, let out a long slow, angry breath then looked up at me. “I’ll go… If I can have my rifle back.”

Speed narrowed her eyes and trotted around to look the sniper dead in his eyes. “I think you mean my rifle.”

He gulped. “Your rifle,” he echoed. “I’ll uh… I’ll just be going without it now.”

“You do that,” Wander said firmly. “I don’t recommend coming back here.”

The Pipite nodded, turned and trotted off into the night without Speed’s new rifle.

I turned back to the potion. It was still violently red, and just starting to shimmer. Good! I hadn’t missed a step.

“How many guns do you even need?” Wander asked Speed quietly.

“Two of each type I prefer for each combat role I'm trained in,” Speed answered immediately.

“What are you even trained in?” Least-Pink asked timidly.

“Everything,” Speed answered with a proud smile, then frowned. “Well, unless there’s classified operations I’m not cleared to know about.”

“Ah…” Violently-Pink said with a slowly, worried nod. “So um… We can go too, right?”

Wander nodded. “Yep! And unlike that asshole, you’re welcome back.”

Speed cleared her throat. “The Pipites are KOS, then?”

“What’s a kay-oh-ess?” Wander asked curiously.

“Kill On Sight.”

“Oh… Probably,” Wander sighed and slumped her shoulders. “Those guys are… Well, you saw him! Total nutcases.”

“Definitely. That guy is going to report back and they’ll be pissed you protected us,” Normal-Pink said bitterly. “You guys bunker down. I’ll see if we can spare some sandbags to let you fortify for the night. Come on girls, let’s move out!”

The three turned and began to hustle down the hill towards the ruins. I heard Speed clear her throat, and shuffle some equipment around. Presumably switching back to her new assault rifle.

Or maybe her new sniper rifle.

I wasn’t sure. It was time to add the Dragon Tongue Bush Beans… I dumped the dried bean powder into the potion and gave it a half-hearted stir.

“I’ll keep up my patrol,” Speed informed.

“Knock yourself out,” Wander replied.

Speed’s wings rustled. “H— How would that help?” Then her ears and wings perked up. “Do I have magic powers when unconscious?!”

“Uh, no…” Wander said slowly. “Don’t they have that expression in your Stable?”

“Maybe? I didn’t get to talk to ponies that much,” Speed admitted with a sad sigh. “What’s it mean?”

“It means go ahead and do it.”

“Oh! We’d use something like, eeeee ee for that,” Speed… said? Squeed?

Eeed? Yes.

Speed eeed.

“Right!” Wander laughed. “You don’t speak Equish as a first language.”

“Nope! I learned it thanks to the pod, but most ponies can speak it a bit,” Speed chirped.

The potion bubbled again and began to let off green vapors as it turned a deathly-black and began to accumulate white foam on the top.

Some ponies swore the foam always took the shape of a skull. Me? I saw crossed bones.

It was time to chop the mushroom, then add it…

I began to cut up the mushroom with a combat knife I’d borrowed from Speed and asked. “What do you even call your language, and how does it work?”

“It’s called eeeeeee and it’s ultra-sonic. It works just like a normal language, but apparently it just sounds like squeeing to you guys,” Speed remarked with a shy little wing flap.

“That’s exactly what it sounds like,” Wander laughed. “It’s weirdly adorable.”

“So is how slow you guys speak,” Speed giggled. “Uh… n— not that it makes you sound dumb or anything. Honestly, since I’m used to speaking Equish, eeeeeee is a bit too fast and kinda hard to understand unless they slow down for me.”

“Gotcha,” Wander commented. “Anyways, yeah. Go ahead and shoot anything hostile… Consider us on yellow alert, number one.”

Speed genuinely squeed, making my nearly drop the knife into the potion as I instinctively went to clamp my hooves over my ears.

“YOU LIKE GALAXY QUEST TOO!?” Speed said with the full volume and force of a true fangirl.

Wander squeed right back. “How the buck do you know about it?!”

“I’ve got every single episode on my pipbuck! My big brother loved it and would let me out sometimes so we could watch together! Never give up, never surrender!”

Oh, Celestia… They shared a geek thing I knew nothing about. I was going to drown in their in jokes, wasn’t I?

I finished putting the rest of the mushroom slices into the potion and waited for the chunks to vanish into the inky blackness.

“Hold on,” Wander asked with an audible grin. “Is that why you weren't phased by Gears being a robopony?”

“Duh!” Speed giggled. “Beep Boop is the best!”

“Buck the hay yes, she is!” Wander laughed, seemingly truly happy for the first time in a long while.

A long while being since the bus stop. Under me.

The last of the mushroom dissolved into the potion. The foam on top of hit shifted, changing shape subtly as it began to bubble to allow vapor to escape.

Ohhhh! Now it looked like a pony’s skull. Neat!

“Potion’s ready!” I called loudly.

Wander cleared her throat and trotted over to me. “You heard nothing! I’m a cool mare. I swear it’s not just a stage per—” she began in a half joking voice only to stop talking as she saw the potion. “What the actual buck, Gears!”

I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah I know it’s a bit off putting but—”

“It’s a pot of ink with a foamy-skull on top of it mouthing the word ‘evil’ in even whiter foam!” Wander exclaimed as she pointed at the pot, wide eyed.

I squinted into its dark depths. “Oh, yeah the bubbles do kind of make it look animated.”

Wander sputtered and took a step back. “Woah, woah, wait, hold it, it’s supposed to look like that!?”

“Yeah!” I said with a smile. “I did it right. Before the mushroom it looked just like the one I drank as part of my coming of age ritual. Personally, I see crossed bones in the normal ones, adding a mushroom made them into a skull. But... it looks and smells right, other than the foam’s shape.”

Wander stared at me blankly, so I decided to give her the exact reason drinking this now would be a horrible idea. I could always brew another later.

“Anyways, you’ll need to lay down before you drink this, because you’ll pass out almost instantly and would fall over,” I said with a serious furrow of my brow. “This potion isn’t just going to give you a vision of the spirit realm. It will, but only towards the end after around forty minutes or so. It will make you hallucinate vividly for the first three quarters of the process.”

“That’s about what I expected,” Wander said with a shudder. “I didn’t think it would look like liquid death!”

I pursed my lips. “Well, I mean, it sort of is?”

“What?” Wander asked as her eyes narrowed dangerously.

“It’s a potion you drink that shows you the spirit realm. That’s as close to dead as you can get without dying,” I pointed out.

Wander stared at me blankly for an uncomfortable few moments.

I squirmed and continued. “I know you used to do drugs pre-war. This is not the fun kind of hallucigen,” I said slowly with an apologetic ear-droop. “You will see things melt, grow, burn, and transform. These things may attempt to kill you. Do your best to remain calm… Which you won't, because you’ll be puking your guts out, sweating every last drop of moisture you’ve got into a puddle, and may also experience diarrhea and bleeding from your tear ducts—”

Wander’s tail stood straight up. “Celestia's mane! Why did you use this for religious purposes?!”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes and gave Wander just a little glare. “No! This is a training tool! The only one that works every time. It’s simple equivalent exchange. Just like alchemy. You want to see the other world, it demands a sacrifice in return. I guess you could see that as religious, but when there’s an actual thing, that really does probably want something in exchange for something else, that, is, business!”

Wander blinked, frowned, then nodded. “Okay… Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be that upset.”

I bit my lip then sighed. Maybe I had taken that a little poorly. “Look… You don't have to drink it now. I mean, we might get attacked by Pipites tonight. We can dump this out and go back to get the stuff to make another… Kind of regret saying I wouldn’t mess up. I mean that was true but, it’s pretty stupid to use this here and it will go bad in about ten minutes,” I said, reminding Wander of my fears relating to her drinking it here and now.

“No. I don’t think the Pipites will attack us… Besides, I have a reason. I have to… I need to know if I can see them here,” Wander sighed, then shuddered as she presumably imagined the potion’s flavor. “I just don't know why anyone else would.”

Before I could protest further, Wander snatched the pot of potion from atop the fire and chugged it down, literally pouring the simmering liquid straight down her throat.

“It does more to you!” I squeaked in pure terror. “Also, it’s hot!”

“Don't care,” Wander said as she dropped the pot next to the fire. “Unless it’s super impor—” Wander’s eyes widened.

Spirit's Drought had no primary taste. But the aftertaste...

“OH, GODDESSES!” Wander shrieked as she started to claw at her tongue with her hooves. “IT TASTES LIKE NOT-GRAPE-COUGH-SYRUP AND SEWAGE!”

“Inside voice, please,” Speed called from the extreme distance.

“Extremely important!” I warned half-way panicking. “Once you’re done vomiting and bleeding, you’ll feel great. Really, really, really great. You may see a snow white mare. Just white. No other colors. If she asks you to go with her, you have to say no! If you say yes, you die. Understand?”

Wander blinked and stared at me, starting to sway on her hooves as the potion began to kick in.. “Seriously! Why the buck did you have foals drink this?!”

“Culturally, you’re not a foal the minute you touch a cup of this, so we technically didn’t do that,” I said with an apologetic smile.

“Oh,” Wander said before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she pitched face first into the dirt next to the fire and immediately threw up.

Into the flames.

The stench was incomprehensible.

“Why do I smell a septic gut wound and burning hair?” Speed called form the distance.

“It’s fine! Wander just puked in the fire. Potion made her do it, that’s normal!” I called back as I dragged Wander’s convulsing, vomit spewing body away from the flames towards the back of the overhang and sighed.

The potion appeared to be working normally. Thank you for not scamming me twice, Madam Orma.

☢★★◯★★☢

The first half hour was “fun”! I got to consistently shovel vomit away from Wander’s mouth so she wouldn’t choke, even though I’d rolled her onto her side, and occasionally wipe her eyes clean so the residual potion in her blood wouldn’t cause a secondary reaction.

Everything was typical so far.

I wasn’t sure if she could get an infection, but you know. Gotta be nice to your marefriend, even if she is an idiot who insists on being an idiot when there’s a possible threat to your safety…

Then again, in the Heartland, when isn’t there a threat to your safety?

Poor Wander had just started to shiver and whimper as the terrifying hallucinations began when a stallion’s voice called out from the night.

“Hail travelers! Might we share your fire for a time?”

I blinked in surprise and looked up to see three stallions standing not too far from the outcropping at the edge of the firelight. Two were dressed in Los Pegasus Ranger uniforms, explaining why Speed let them through. The third was... different.

He was dressed in a rather luxurious looking white cloak made from what appeared to be wool with a silk lining. The cloak covered him even more fully then Wander’s did, and the shadows covering his face seemed too dark to be natural… After a heartbeat I could feel the magic in the cloak. It was protective, in several ways. It probably cast his face in obscuring shadows for reasons of looking really cool.

Or being sinister. Both major selling points in enchanted cloaks.

I smiled and hoped for really cool. Especially because he seemed to be very large and bulky for a pony. The last thing I wanted was a sinister musclebound earth pony getting mad at me.

I nodded politely and offered the three a low bow. After all, if Los Pegasus had a prince, then this must be a noble, given the enchanted cloak.

“You are welcome to stay in our camp, sir,” I said as I stood back up. “However, my friend is… going to be a little repulsive for another half an hour..”

The cloaked stallion nodded, the movement of his head proving that the shadows his hood cast were magical in nature. “I can see that. Is she ill? My friends have medicine at our camp.”

“No. She insisted on trying a vision quest and imbibed a rather potent and mildly dangerous potion,” I explained with a feeble smile. “She should be fine, but, she’s still experiencing the side effects before the vision occurs.”

The stallion noded a second time and trotted over to sit by my side. The two Rangers, on the other hoof, sat down where they were, preferring to stay well away from the very sickly ghoul. Noticing a bit of vomit oozing out of Wander’s muzzle, I took my eyes off the group to wipe her mouth clean.

To my surprise, the cloaked stallion levitate a small white silk cloth from under his cloak and held it up in his magic’s golden glow. “May I help?”

Oh thank goodness! I offered him a grateful smile “Yes, thank you! Be careful of her scarf, It was a gift from her wife before the war.”

He chuckled and gently wiped her mouth clean. “I’ll give it a magical cleaning before I leave, just to be safe.”

“Thanks,” I said again as I gave him a cautiously curious look.

Up close I could see that his bulk came from armor worn beneath his cloak, but I couldn’t tell what kind. The draped cloth obscured too much, and the overall shape wasn’t familiar to me.

He silently helped me tend to Wander for several long moments before finally saying something to break the weirdly comfortable silence.

“I wanted to thank you for defusing the situation earlier,” He said as he used his magic to wipe clean the piece of cloth I only just now noticed was a handkerchief monogrammed SL. “The Prince doesn't like to use violence… I would rather return to Los Pegasus without hurting anyone else. The Tainted we slew on the road to Canterlot were bad enough.”

I sighed and shook my head. “I will never understand bandits, or pillaging. Nothing you have couldn't be found laying around someplace… Except for that cloak! It’s very nice.”

“Thank you. If you’re ever in our little city, please, stop by any of our tailors. They will be happily to sell you a similar garment,” he said with enough sincerity for me to believe him.

After all, his Rangers all had new uniforms.

“How do you make new clothes? Did you have a large supply of fabrics before the war?” I asked curiously.

“We have a large supply of many things,” He replied casually as he returned to keeping Wander from drowning in her own vomit. “If only we had ponies who knew how to use our stockpiles to create more technically and arcanely advanced items… If that were so, we could do more for the poor souls of this world than provide them with a means of self-defense.”

“Is that why you sell ammunition?” I asked with a tilt of my head.

“Well, I do not personally sell firearms or ammunition, but yes. It is why we sell them still…”

“Still?”

He nodded and leaned over to get a better view of the other side of Wander’s muzzle. “Los Pegasus changed a great deal after the Prince rose to power fourteen years ago. The story goes he was inspired by Littlepip to do some good for the world, and through trickery, cunning, and persuasion, he dismantled the corporate hegemony which had ruled over Los Pegasus for two centuries. The workers made him their Prince for that,” the stallion chuckled, clearly remembering that particular revolution fondly. “He didn’t want the title, but he’s a good leader nonetheless. At least ‘til somepony better comes along.”

I hummed and looked him up and down, trying to place his particular spot in their aristocracy. I might be able to save some time and simply give him a radio right now! “Sooo are you like, a Duke or something? You’ve got fancy clothes and are leading ponies for him.”

“Something like that,” he said before giving me a polite bow. “Silverlight, at your service.”

“Whirling Gears, Courier in the service of Queen Katydid of Lith,” I replied with another bow.

It only seemed to be as polite as Silverlight the Ridiculously Nice.

Silverlight turned his head slowly to look at me for a moment. “I’m afraid I’ve not heard of your nation. Where is it?”

“Far to the north,” I said. “It’s across the Spur Mountains; it used to be the Crystal Empire.”

“That’s a long ways to travel… Are you delivering a parcel to someone in the Heartlands?” He asked with a curious tilt of his head. “What could possibly be so important? Perhaps you would like an escort?”

Hey! He didn’t call the Equestrian Heartlands the Wasteland! Did the Pegans also consider themselves to be separate from Equestria? Or did he just like using their proper name?

“Yes. Several, actually,” I said as I wiped blood from Wander’s eyes as gently as I could. “I’m on a mission to open trade between my nation and the Heartlands… So far, getting the NCR to agree to a deal has been a major bust.”

Silverlight laughed hard enough to make his shoulders shake and his cloak billow. “Indeed! Trying to negotiate with the NCR is like trying to get a toddler to give up their favorite toy. The Prince has been trying to broker safe passage to Spike the Great’s den for a decade now, but the NCR refuses to allow him passage.”

I tilted my head and thought back to the map of the Heartlands I’d been given what seemed like months ago. “That town’s not on my map,” I murmured curiously. “What is it?”

“Of course it’s not,” Silverlight said with a sad sigh. “Spike’s den is the gateway to the SPP. Well, in truth he is the gateway, but the Great Dragon hasn’t left home in two hundred years, aside from the Battle of Neighvarro as far as I am aware.”

I sputtered. Katydid's unofficial uncle was alive?! AND OLD?! “G— Great dragon?! As in an elder dragon? Wait, wasn’t he a hatchling during the Ministry era?”

That was nothing, and I mean nothing, to sneeze at. If the NCR had an Elder Dragon as an ally—

Silverlight shook his magically shadowy head. “No. I am afraid Spike is only an adult dragon. However, as a keeper of knowledge, war hero, Guardian of the Gardens, and many other noble things, he is to be given the utmost respect.”

“Oh,” I said, slightly disappointed, but also very much relieved. “Well, it seems a bit silly to not keep his den on the map, then. Wouldn’t ponies want to come and pay respects? Besides... Aside from Pip getting very lucky, I doubt a pony is going to be able to hurt a fully grown dragon.”

Silverlight chuckled. “They say before the ministries, Miss Fluttershy defeated a dragon.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said honestly.

He laughed a bit more. “In truth, neither do I. I’ve met her. She doesn't seem to be the dragonslayer type.”

“I— Huh?” I asked unintelligently. “H— How is she alive!?”

Silverlight’s head dipped forward as if he were frowning at me. “My word, you truly are a foreigner! Have you not heard Pip’s story? It can change your life.”

I pointed to Wander. “When she’s not tripping on a vision quest potion she’s telling me the second half.”

“Ah…” Silverlight nodded and gently wiped Wander’s muzzle again. “Then I shall not spoil it for you. Suffice to say, Miss Fluttershy is still alive and you may run into her if you head to Junction Town.”

I nodded and frowned thoughtfully. What was she doing there? How had she survived? Was she so polite and nice that death gave her a pass? Now that I could believe.

“Still… Why keep The Great Spike’s den off the map?” I wondered aloud to bring the conversation back on track.

“For security,” Silverlight said simply. “Pip, hero though she is, is also a fool. She did not realize that by telling her entire story as it happened to her, she by necessity told everypony in the wasteland how to enter the SPP. Fortunately, she neglected to say where Spike’s den was precisely. If Spike’s den’s location were to be public knowledge, it would be possible for a pony to reach her… and possibly assassinate her.”

I raised an eyebrow at Silverlight. He chuckled. “The Prince doesn't wish to harm Pip in the slightest. He wishes only to have a conversation.”

My ears perked. “Oh! Good news, then!”

“Oh?” Silverlight asked curiously. “What might it be?”

“Pip’s able to speak to you through sprite-bots. I’ve spoken to her twice now. If you go to Tenpony Tower—”

“No, no, no,” Silverlight said with a firm shake of his head. “Not Pip. His Highness wishes an audience with Princess Celestia.”

I sputtered and dropped my rag as well as my jaw. “AUNTIE TIA IS ALIVE?!”

I swore to Celestia I saw Silverlight’s eyes bug out of his head in spite of the magic shadows over his face. “B— wuh?”

“Oh, um,” I cleared my throat and tapped my hooves together awkwardly. “Soooo, Queen Katydid is my godmother, and she’s Celestia’s Grand Niece, but Tia felt old being called a Great Aunt, so she asked her to call her an aunt, and since I’m Katydid’s goddaughter, that makes Celestia my Great Grand Godaunt, but that sounds really stupid and would make her feel old so we settled on aunt.”

“Oh…” Silverlight coughed and took several long moments to simply be.

“Err… To address your previous question… Indeed she is! If her state can be called living,” Silverlight continued, adopting a bitter tone. “It is as if everypony in the wasteland save for us is outright ignoring the fact that the Princess is, in at least some respect, present within a Crusader Mainframe within the SPP. Unfortunately, I cannot tell a new acquaintance any more than that regarding the matter of the Prince’s desire for an audience.”

I sat there for several long moments, reeling from the revelation. “There is a full conscious backup of Princess Celestia’s memories, personality, and emotions, which can be interacted with like a real, living, pony, and nopony is bothering to try and get her to help with things?! Presumably she can’t on her own, or she would be!”

“Indeed,” Silverlight said with a slow nod. “It is a shame… Equally shameful is the possibility that it is not a simulacrum, but truly the Princess in the soul, so to speak. It seems she used a binding ritual to move her soul from her dying body into the machine. However, due to the nature of Crusader Mainframes I cannot be certain as to whether or not her soul would remain in the machine, or if the magics within the machine would merely use the transference spell as a means of implanting memory and personality. Such arcane knowledge was lost in the war, sadly.”

I shook my head more. “He just wants to speak with the wisest and kindest ruler of the last five thousand years… Why won’t they let him?” I asked with an incredulous little shiver. “Can’t they ask Pip to hold the mic out to her?”

“It doesn't work that way,” Silverlight said calmly. “If Celestia could use Pip’s radio connection to speak to us, she would. Even if she were a digitized copy. Since Celestia cannot come to the Prince, the Prince seeks to go to her.

“The problem is the NCR’s bureaucrats believe the Prince has the power to ‘control minds’.”

I blinked twice. “I mean… He apparently took over a city via persuasion… Does he?”

Wander belched extremely loudly… and also extremely stankly. Silverlight and I paused, sharing an awkward moment as we waited for the stench to dissipate. Nopony was going to open their mouth with that in the air.

Silverlight adjusted the edge of his cloak to cover his nose. “No. He merely has a silver tongue, extensive knowledge of Pegan culture, and a special talent in diplomacy. If he knew you well enough, he could talk you into anything. Naturally, politicians are terrified of such a person. As well as their servants. By their decree, none of our nobles are to show their faces in the NCR. We have decided to interpret that decree litterly. Hence, the shadows beneath my hood.”

I giggled and flashed him a playful smile. “I think my Queen will love negotiating with your Prince.”

“Hopefully, she is both a more entertaining and better diplomatic sparring partner than President ‘I should word my threats better’ Gawdyna,” he said with a hopeful sounding sigh and a chuckle.

A shot rang out, bringing ominous punctuality to Silverlight’s statement.

His rangers, who I had totally forgot about, jumped to their hooves and telekinetically drew their rifles. “Sir!” one of them shouted. “We must get to safety!”

“While these mares cannot flee?” Silverlight scoffed as he stood up. “Fix bayonets, guardsmares!”

I blinked. He was talking to stallions… Right?

Oh sweet Celestia no, please don't be mares who were just that butch!

“W— what?” the other Rranger asked while his companion drew the knife from his saddlebag’s strap and fixed it to his rifle.

“Did you not hear me, Bolt Action?” Silverlight said as he moved to stand beside his soldiers. “This mare cannot flee. It falls to us to ensure the conflict we brought upon them doesn't cause her injury. Fix your bayonet! Not one step back, we hold this ground through all!”

I stared at him, both awestruck and beyond grateful.

”Damn! This guy is pure pre-ministry Royal Guard,” Imaginary Dad said, just as awestruck as I was.

Is that what this is?! I asked.

”I’m pretty sure it is! This is what your grandfather was like.”

A stallion’s bellowing voice echoed across the valley as the enemy chose to make their presence known in full. “WHO ARE WE?!”

”THE NECESSARY EVIL!” At least forty voices replied in unison.

“WHY ARE WE NECESSARY?!”

”TO PURGE THE WORLD OF EVIL!”

“AND WHY ARE WE, PIP’S CHOSEN FEW, ORDAINED TO UNDERTAKE THIS HOLY TASK?!”

”BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!”

I pulled Feature’s slide back slightly to make sure she was loaded. She was. “Really starting to see why Pip hates those guys…”

Silverlight chuckled bitterly. “Most everypony despises them… But, I can say this much for them. They do warn you they are coming… When not using lone attackers, that is.”

The hill below seemed to start crawling up towards us as a small army of ponies wielding various melee-weapons began to charge up the hill. The rangers opened fire immediately, firing into the massed infantry charge with the precision of professionally trained soldiers. I fired off a burst of six grenades, peppering the formation with fireballs.

To my shock and horror, that didn’t dissuade them, and the charge continued.

”Of course it didn’t scare them off. It’s a holy-war! Just like what the Zebras were fighting. They won't surrender, fire for effect, Gears!”

Dad was right. I fired another burst of five. The charging Pipites seemed to be down about a quarter of their ponies, but had reached halfway to us.

“EEEEEEE!” Speed squealed as she popped up in the center of the enemy's lines and immediately opened up with a full auto burst from her assault rifle.

Well, there went my artillery option…

I switched over to my LAER and fired into the charging mass. They were almost on us now… The overhang wasn't too big. Between the four of us, maybe we could hold them off while Speed thinned them out from the rear.

Or, now that I thought about it, Silverlight could actually do something other than stand there.

“Help us!” I demanded while shooting Silverlight a dirty look.

He returned my look with one of his own, obscured by shadows though it was. “I do not carry a gun, Miss Gears.”

Oh. Melee fighter. Well, that was okay, since we were about to be overrun.

Wait, he was a unicorn! He could be shooting them with magic! Or maybe he didn’t know any attack spells?

I grit my teeth and continued to fire into the charging Pipite ranks. Their screaming, whooping, wrathful line was so close I could see the stitching in their uniquely cobbled-together jumpsuits. A mass of blue, yellow, gray, and brown. Almost as if a stable full of clones had been unleashed upon the world to bring ruin to it.

“Oh shit!” I heard Speed shout, followed by a few bursts from her assault rifle.

I looked past the charging line to where she had been fighting six of the Pipites. A second mass of the cultists had crested the ridge. There were twenty of them on top of us, and then another twenty of them at the bottom of the hill. Reinforcements?! How many ponies were in this stupid cult, anyways?!

“Firearms are a little too cruel for my taste. It’s difficult to ensure your foe is killed quickly and without undue pain,” Silverlight mentioned off hoof.

Oh my Celestia, who cares? We’re in the middle of a battle!

The Ranger to my left stepped forward and impaled a Pipite through the neck with his bayonet. It was melee time… I didn’t have any means of close range fighting. I activated my shield and resolved myself to be a big brick in their path. Nopony would lay a hoof on Wander if I had anything to—

A blur of motion from Silverlight caught my eye. His cloak billowed as he drew a longsword from beneath its silken folds. I caught a glimpse of gold-trimmed silver power armor beneath his cloak as the ornate blade slid free from its scabbard.

The blade appeared to be made from a carved pearl. The hilt was solid gold and held a single round jewel which glittered and burned like a tiny sun. As Silverlight’s magic ran down the blade, the weapon’s enchantments responded, transmuting the blade into a glowing column of white-hot fire.

His blade burning like the sun, Silverlight stepped forward, swinging his blade, and sliced the head from a Pipite mare’s neck. There was no blood. Just the smell of burnt meat, a neatly cauterized stump, and instant death.

“You face Silverlight of Los Pegasus!” he bellowed into the frothing mass of zealots. “May the Princess have mercy on you, for I shall not!”

The next few moments passed in a blur. My shield repelled over a dozen blows from lead pipes, small axes, and even a pool cue. The Rangers fought off the Pipites using their rifles like spears, one of them taking a nasty blow to the shoulder from a machete. Silverlight’s power armor enhanced strength and enchanted sword cut more than a few Pipites cleanly in half.

Then, out of nowhere. “RETREAT! RETREAT!” A stallion shrieked as he just barely dodged the scything flame-blade which would have cleaved him in two like many of his allies.

The Pipites broke ranks and began to run down the hill away from us. I let out a sigh of relief. They weren't so frothing mad as to not realize being in melee with a power armored pony with a magic sword was a horrible way to continue being alive.

The Rangers stood their ground, remaining by their leader’s side, panting, exhausted, but ready to fire at the first sign of trouble.

Speed, on the other hoof.

“Yay! I get to be in melee aga—”

The Pipites split to run around Speed, giving her a wide breath as she ran down the hill.

“Awww! You cockteases!” Speed shouted as she swept her rifle up and began to fire into their ranks.

“Is that the Batmare accompanying you?” Silverlight asked with a mixture of amusement and distates on his tongue.

I nodded. “Yeah. Her name’s Speed Run… Don’t judge her too poorly. She’s got a mental illness and loves to fight. I’m making sure she doesn't… Turn into a total monster. At least she’s fighting for good, right?”

Silverlight nodded and sheathed his blazing sword. “You have a noble heart, Miss Gears… I can assure you that you will be welcome in Los Pegasus and your nation’s voice will be heard… As it likely will not be heard in Junction Town. We will be passing the capital on our way back. Please, do me the honor of traveling with us at least that far. We have a wagon in which you and your friends may ride.”

I blinked, processing his statement. “You… have a working vehicle?”

“We do,” Silverlight confirmed with a nod. “It is quite old, and has been maintained all these years on a dwindling supply of parts and technical prowess, but I assure you, you will find it more convenient than traveling by hoof.”

I frowned a little more. It sounded like Los Pegasus had been a major manufacturing center before the war. How had it avoided being blown to dust?

On the other hoof, Silverlight was definitely trying to imply it would be safer to travel as a group without also implying mares couldn’t fight. His politeness was a bit creepy. It felt too nice to be genuine. That said, if he did mean harm, he could probably just split me in half with that sword easily as he had those Pipites.

Sure, I had a magic shield and armor. Thing was, I was pretty sure he had a sword made from solar fire.

“I accept your offer, Mister Silverlight,” I said with a polite bow.

“My thanks. We have made out camp just over there,” he said, pointing to a small ridge down the hill at the foot of the Canterlot rubble pile. “I trust three traveling warriors can make it a kilometer through hostile territory unschathed. Meanwhile, my squad and I must make sure our other friends either survived or did not suffer an attack as we did here. We will not leave without you, but that being said please come as soon as you can. I was sadly unable to bring a Wall of Guns on this expedition.”

Wall of guns? Literal or figurative, that painted a very specific picture. One I both did and did not want to see made into reality.

“We’ll be there,” I promised.

Silverlight nodded, seemingly pleased. “Farewell for now, friend!” he said before levitating his wounded ranger onto his back, then running off into the darkness.

As he ran off, Speed ran in, a huge grin on her face. “That. Was. AMAZING!” she eeed before giving me a way too tight hug. “Thank you!”

“For… what?!” I gasped.

Speed eeped and let go. “S— Sorry! What did I do wrong?”

“Hug… more… gently…” I panted.

How in the world had she squeezed the breath out of lungs that didn’t exist?! Must be mom’s infiltration programming at work. I’d have to ask her to delete that line later. It could get me in trouble later…

“Oh! Sorry,” Speed said, her smile returning. “Seriously, thank you! Real battle is way more fun than simulations and you get into them, like, frequently! You’re the best friend ever!”

“What about Wander?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“She’s the second-best friend ever! Mostly because you're hotter,” Speed remarked with a giggle.

I felt a blush overtake my cheeks, and then yelped as Wander jumped up to stand upright and stare off into space with a terrified look stamped on her face.

I squeaked and ran over to her. “Speed! Get water, she shouldn't be able to move while under the potion’s eff—”

Wander’s eyes teared up, shocking me enough to make me stop talking mid-word.

“I’m sorry,” Wander murmured as she started to actually cry. “I was wrong, I’m sorry! I should be dead too…”

Holy. Bucking. Shit!

My jaw dropped. She was able to talk to her friends like she wanted? No. Bucking. Way! It shouldn’t work like that!

The mushroom! It had to change the effect in more ways than simply allowing a ghoul to experience the effect.

No! No. This had to be the hallucination stage. Which meant she might draw her seizure gun on Speed or I with it thinking she was being attacked by demons from Tartarus!

“Speed! Disarm her, quick!” I ordered.

The batpony moved like a blur. Wander’s cloak fluttered aside for a heartbeat, and suddenly Speed was holding her pistol out ot my face. I took it and tucked it into my saddlebag for safekeeping. Meanwhile, Wander kept talking.

“What do you mean?” she asked, sniffling through tears as her face contorted into a frown. “I— No! Yes. North. I’ll go north… Of course not now. I promised Gears— Look at her?”

Wander turns and stares at me, and I gasped in shock. Her eyes were milky, almost as if they were iced over. That only happened in the last stage of the potion’s effect, when your mind was conscious within this realm, and the one beyond it. She was actually talking to her friend somehow!

It had to be because of the mushroom! Or maybe because she had bucking Discord around her neck. She shouldn’t be seeing ponies souls, just nature spirits and the spirit realm!

“Hi,” Wander said as she stared into my very soul.

“Wait, can you see me?” I asked heastently.

Wander didn’t move… Until about a minute had passed. Then she reached out and hugged me while choking back a sob. “You poor mare… I’m so sorry!”

Okay! Whatever was happening needed to stop it right now please!

“Uh, Wander? Please stop,” I begged.

Wander let go of me to look me in the eyes. “Shhh, talking to your soul,” she whispered before nodding. “That’s good. At least you're happy as part of her.”

“Woah, what, what?!” I sputtered. “You’re actually talking too— She’s not being tortured or—”

“SHHH!” Wander hissed while flashing me an irritated look. “I don’t know sign-language very well and everything’s getting fuzzy. It’ shard to unders—”

Wander’s face contorted as a wave of tortured agony tore through her body like a wall of bullets. The potion had worn off.

She topped over, landing in the dirt with a meaty thud as she shrieked and clutched her head as if it were about to explode. “AAAAAAAAAAA! MY BUCKING BRAIN IS ON BUCKING FIRE!”

Oh good, that was the normal reaction to it wearing off. The deviation was minor. She wasn’t about to die… Actually, if she died now she’d probably get back up in a few minutes. How durable is she?

It doesn't matter. She still feels pain, and that isn’t okay.

Speed squeaked in distress, ears flattened against the sound, and reached out to Wander. “Here, take my hoof, I’ll help you up.”

I shot Speed a confused look. She sheepishly retracted her hoof. “I uh… I didn’t get potion-related-first-aid-training…”

Wander continued to writhe and scream for several long moments before at last curling up into a ball and whimpering as she pain faded. I lay down next to her and gently wrapped a foreleg around her shoulders.

“It’s okay. It’s over now,” I said as lovingly as I could.

You know, given she’d put us all in danger by drinking that potion now, thank Celestia the Pipites who had attacked us had been armed only with melee weapons… Given that their sniper had a rifle earlier, odds were good the Pegan camp was hit by the ranged fighters when we were assaulted by the melee troops.

Wander hugged me back and whimpered. “That was dumb… Should have waited for a town…”

I nodded. “Yep!” I said as firmly as I could, before softening my voice and nuzzling into her shoulder. “Did you really see them?”

She nodded feebly. “Y— Yeah… Not O— Oc… Octy. Just Lyra and Bonnie. They want me to go north. To Whinnyapolis. I— I’ve never been there before. It’s where Lyra’s business was.”

“That seems important,” I remarked.

“Yeah,” wander murmured before freezing and sitting up. “OH! RIGHT!”

I frowned sharply. “Don’t move like that! You’ll be disoriented for at least—”

Wander nodded and dry heaved. “Ack… yeah… no fast movements…” she closed her eyes for a moment then let out a long slow breath. “You asked if she was being tortured.”

I both did and didn’t want to know the answer to that...

“Did you really talk to my soul?” I asked quietly.

Wander nodded very, very slowly. “Yes. She’s happy. She’s also, well, you.”

“Huh?” I asked with a frown.

“I mean, she’s a lovable dork, and is definitely where your personality comes from. She’s not tortured. She was willing when she was bound to you. Apparently she also loved Beep Boop. Cosplayed her, even. So this whole, being a robopony’s soul thing is kind of her idea of a heaven.”

I blinked. “Really? You’re not just saying that to spare me the horrible truth?”

Wander nodded and nuzzled into my neck. Not for romantic reasons. Her muscle sjut stopped working and that’s how she happened to fall. “She’s happy. It’s okay,” Wander murmured feebly. “I can’t feel my anything…”

“That’s normal,” I said quietly.

“Why do you give this to foals?” Wander murmured angrily.

“I told you before, they are not foals once they drink it,” I repeated gently hugging her shoulders.

“Okay. I bed now,” Wander murmured sleepily before sliding down my chest onto the ground, snoring before she hit it.

Speed trotted over put a hoof on her neck and then nodded in satisfaction. “She’s alive!” Speed announced with a smile, the frowned, her ears going all floppy. “Uh… Dead? Undead? Unlive? Dead-live? … On! She is on.”

My soul had been willing? I— But… What did that even mean, metaphysically speaking? I needed a real shaman, badly!

Speed put a hoof on my shoulder and gently shook it, snapping me out of my thoughts. “We should carry her to the Pegan’s camp.”

“Y— Yeah… We should,” I said as gently started to roll Wander onto my back.

Speed’s PpipBuck glowed as she used its magic to put Wander in place on my back.

“I’m glad you have a soul,” Speed said as I stood up.

“Huh? Why?” I asked with a frown.

“Well, for one, anti-zebra propaganda is stupid and I like seeing it proven wrong,” Speed informed as she turned to check the hillside over before beginning to walk down the hill. “Also, roboponies deserve them.”

I was too mentally frazzled to insist I was a cyborg. Instead, I just followed her.

“Though what I can’t think of is why a company would make a robopony who looked just like a living pony,” Speed remarked before looking over her shoulder at me with a playful smirk. “Unlessss, you’re a sexbot!”

I blinked. “You don’t know what hugs are, but you do know what sex is?”

Speed shrugged her wings. “I was raised by simulated Drill Sergeants. I guess hugs are not good for training soldiers? Brothel Breaks as rewards for good behavior, wellll… That’s different.”

I winced. That statement begged a particular question. “Uh… how old are you?”

“Twenty eight,” Speed answered.

“Annnd you got those breaks starting… How old?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know… Sixteen? Anyways, are you? If not, what’s your function? Like, the one you were designed for.”

“I’m meant for espionage,” I replied.

“Oh! That makes more sense,” Speed remarked. “Uh… Wander said you’re her marefriend though. So like—”

“I have all the normal pony desires for love, and the other stuff too,” I informed as politely as I could. “I’m also able to do all of the things. Wander and I checked thoroughly… It um, it feels a bit weird to talk about this with somepony I only just met. Can we change the subject?”

Speed eeped and nodded. “S— Sorry! I forgot we met last night… I just think you two are hot and— Uh, never mind. We should hurry up, in case those melee guys come back.”

I nodded and picked up my own pace, then sputtered as Speed’s full sentence finished processing. “Wait… Is that why you’re able to be friends with us?! Because you think we’re hot?!” I sputtered, half embarrassed and half flattered.

“No, it’s the other way around,” Speed replied with a happy smile. “I think my brain let me be friends with you because you register as my Drill Sergeant's niece for some reason. Wander, well, I already had a stupid-big crush on her because of her music.”

“You… Think I’m related to a pony from your simulations?” I asked not sure what that meant, if anything.

Speed shrugged her wings again. “Yeah! She was half-zebra. Looked like you, but less hot, also mute and in a wheelchair. Seriously though, I’m really really happy my brain lets me feel things for you guys… I hate when it doesn't let me feel things for nice ponies… Makes me feel like a monster.”

I couldn’t help but smile. For being kinda scary, Speed was also pretty cute. “Well, seeing as how you’re traveling with a pair of arcane abominations, and your reaction to that is ‘I want to be friends with those hot pieces of tail!’ you’re definitely a monster too. Fortunately, us monsters can be good ponies if we try.”

Speed’s ears perked up. “We can?”

The way she said it sounded like I’d just tossed a rope to a mare stuck at the bottom of a well…

My heart went out to her in that moment.

I nodded firmly and gave her the best hug I could while carrying an unconscious marefriend on my back. “Yep! Now let's get to the Pegan camp… You’re probably definitely right about them attacking again once they’ve regrouped.”

If dad was right, and the Pipites saw eliminating he Pagans as a holy war… Well, we Zebras had literally ended the world rather than see it ruled by “Nightmare Moon”.

They’d be back.

Wait a minute… I’d hugged Speed post battle!

“Ew!” I groaned.

“Huh?” Speed asked with a frown.

“Nothing. Just gotta wash my armor too now…” I muttered as we trotted off into the distance.

Comments

[Venerable Ro]

Blood, visions of the dead, and psychopathic cults. Looks like everything turned out ok!

[Venerable Ro]

9594049

Well we've solved one of those problems!

[fractalman]

We’d then explained what we were doing to Speed. That was when I’d truly decided she was weird. Who the heck learns they’re tagging along with a mailmare and then groans with genuine distress and moans, “I hate escort quests!”? That just makes no sense.

Speed laughed, gracefully rotated every part of her body but her head, and kept walking. Backwards. Without breaking stride, or tripping on the chunks of pavement. How in the—

Pff. also that's hax.

”Bat-vision,” Dad stated bluntly.

Don't you mean nini-flap-flap vision?
"I'm dad, not gears."
...oh fine, be boring.

Speed hummed. “Well, I only know the stuff she did under the name Mare Estrus Rut. I’d love to hear the rest some time!”

Lol.

“Awww, come on! It’s a cool name!” Speed pressed with an adorable little frowny face. You wouldn’t think that visible fangs could be so adorable. They should be frightening, not cute!

Note to self: get her to teach you how to make that look. It will be an upgrade from the SweetieBelle.config I use now.

That's becuase batponies are cutEEEEEEEEEEE's.

“A jock who could tell you the exact stats of every Wonderbolt ever ,” Wander remarked casually. “Who could do flight calculations in her head. Who spent five months training herself to walk with the same slow-rolling-strut as Commander Spitfire because, and I quote “It just looks about twenty-percent cooler than a normal walk, okay?” end quote. Also, she was the lead vocalist and backup cowbell for a garageband called Luna’s Epic Moonbase.”

woona's epic moonbase, huh?
...
PFFF, I can't keep a straight face after making that substitutuion. :P

Speed trailed off frowned, then smiled as if she had an epiphany. “Come to think of it, that’s probably why the last war got so bad! All of Luna’s previous wartime experience said that raising cities, looting towns, burning crops, and demanding personal tribute with the enemy's request to surrender were all normal things to do in wartime. Outdated tactics, you know? Anyways, Luna is obviously best Princess because she is blue.”

...and now for the action scene!

Celestia’s bucking cake fetish! She could work that shotgun fast as a single action revolver!

Celestia’s bucking cake fetish

...This is now my favorite swear.

My thought process derailed as the air was filled with a stallions screams and the wet, visceral, squelching sound of a chainsaw tearing through flesh.

...yeaaah. It's a veeeery good thing speed run likes vinyl..er, wander. :

Speed shifted from hoof to hoof. “I don't like my friends getting shot either. That’s why I decided to draw all the fire… C— Can I have one of those?”

Wander blinked in surprise and turned to look at Speed with a frown. “You mean a hug?”

does a double take

She didn't know what a hug was? what a total TRAVESTY!

Zebra town? With potion brewing infrastructure? Now that gave me an idea!

Ooooh, so that's how gears is gonna brew a spirit quest potion

Speed’s lips pulled back in a pointy, adorable frown. “Sooo, I couldn’t eat shotgun shells and then blow things to hell with a wave of my hoof?”

“No!” Wander and I said together.

Speed’s spirits fell so far I was worried she might drop dead from pure sadness. “Aww…”

poor silly Speed, so dissapouinted there!

“But they're nice guns!” Speed whimpered, her lips trembling.

Lol.

“Heretic!” The stallion screamed. “Our Lady will smite you from the face of this world with lightning and thunder and rain and maybe hail or unseasonable snow for daring to stop her agents in their sacred task! Unhoof me at once!”

what an iiiiiiidioooot.

Speed narrowed her eyes and trotted around to look the sniper dead in his eyes. “I think you mean my rifle.”

Kek.

Wander and Speed run are absollutley Adorkable.

Wander cleared her throat and trotted over to me. “You heard nothing! I’m a cool mare. I swear it’s not just a stage per—” she began in a half joking voice only to stop talking as she saw the potion. “What the actual buck, Gears!”

I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah I know it’s a bit off putting but—”

“It’s a pot of ink with a foamy-skull on top of it mouthing the word ‘evil’ in even whiter foam!” Wander exclaimed as she pointed at the pot, wide eyed.

heh.

I squinted into its dark depths. “Oh, yeah the bubbles do kind of make it look animated.”

“Extremely important!” Gears warns in a half panic. “Once you’re done vomiting and bleeding, you’ll feel great. Really, really, really great. You may see a snow white mare. Just white. No other colors. If she asks you to go with her, you have to say no! If you say yes, you die. Understand?”

Oh hi there Dusk.

Poor Wander had just started to shiver and whimper as the terrifying hallucinations began when a stallion’s voice called out from the night.

That is a veeerry unpleasant potion.

I sputtered and dropped my rag as well as my jaw. “AUNTIE TIA IS ALIVE?!”

I swore to Celestia I saw Silverlight’s eyes bug out of his head in spite of the magic shadows over his face. “B— wuh?”

Kek, I love Silverlight's reaction.

Silverlight adjusted the edge of his cloak to cover his nose. “No. He merely has a silver tongue, extensive knowledge of Pegan culture, and a special talent in diplomacy. If he knew you well enough, he could talk you into anything. Naturally, politicians are terrified of such a person. As well as their servants. By their decree, none of our nobles are to show their faces in the NCR. We have decided to interpret that decree litterly. Hence, the shadows beneath my hood.”

Looooophoooooles!

“Awww! You cockteases!” Speed shouted as she swept her rifle up and began to fire into their ranks.

PFFF!

“Nothing. Just gotta wash my armor too now…” I muttered as we trotted off into the distance.

Kek.

Also, glad to know the zeebra wound up happy as part of gears.

[Neece]

The teenage cringe is real. Oh so very real. And so adorkable that Twiggles would be proud.

That's one hell of an effective little monster. That didn't even know about hugs! Fortunately she has two bigger mares to hug the stuffing out of her now.
If she washes the gore first, that is. Sticky hugs suck.

A spirit quest in the ruined rubble of a Pink Cloud city. Do hear your marefriend out, Wander

Didn't expect the army scouts. Or them being Cadians. Or their prince/comissar/Lord Commander being in the field. Or the cultist melee charge
Maybe giving him a radio would be a nice idea, Gears. You know, since he revealed both Spike and Celestia are somewhat alive. Sure, Wander would tell you soon enough, but dude's still a wasteland leader. Of a truly organized commercial big settlement

Aww, hug your little monster for all is worth, Gears. You might make of her a hero yet

[SummerGem]

Wow, this chapter was so nerdy. I love it!

[Silentwoodfire]

9596324

[Alden MacManx]

Psychos, lunatics, cultists, blood-drinking bat-ponies, potion-brewing, spirit quests, meeting up with good ponies and bad ponies, all while in a cave on the side of Mount Canterlot. Yep, pretty much an ordinary day in the Equestrian Wastelands...

Gotta love Speed Run. One of these minutes, I'll come up with a good way to describe her personality. Just need a liberal dose of vodka and bourbon. Too bad I took The Pledge back about thirty-five years ago, so... those minutes will be long in coming. For now, I'll just kick back and enjoy her presence!

[Meep the Changeling]

9596324

That's becuase batponies are cutEEEEEEEEEEE's.

Sadly, the upgraded bambie eyes only work if you've got the cat-eye mod already installed.

...This is now my favorite swear.

Celestia humped. "Rude..."
Pip sighed. "Sorry... I know you dont like it when ponies swear in your na--"
"No, that's not it. I don't have a Cake fetish."
"Well, obviously. That woudl ahve come up in our converca--"
"A fetish is an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit. Tehnicaly spekaing, Miss Gears is a fetish. I have a cake kink. There is a rather large difference! I wish these poor ponies could get a proper education and learn the right words for things."
"Uhhhh!"

She didn't know what a hug was? what a total TRAVESTY!

Well she was stuck in a pod at age 4. She coudl bairly talk, let alone have longterm memories that last for more than a few months at a time.

Oh hi there Dusk.

Fortunately, she's happy as always to not do paperwork.

Also, glad to know the zeebra wound up happy as part of gears.

"Happy? Fulfilled completely is more appropriate," she signed. "Sure, I died and all but aside from some memory loss I got to be the dominant part of an amalgamated entity capable of having a body, walking around, and feeling sensation in my hindquarters. As Gears, I can actually enjoy romantic activities with a partner, run around just for fun, and get all that walking I wanted to do for those 18 years in a chair out of my system. Why do you think Gear's primary job duty is 'walk over there and hand this to them'? Because walking is awesome! I just wish Gears could consciously remember my memories. We're a better shaman than she thinks we are."

---

9596330

That's one hell of an effective little monster. That didn't even know about hugs! Fortunately she has two bigger mares to hug the stuffing out of her now. If she washes the gore first, that is. Sticky hugs suck.

A situation which is really not helped by these facts:

1. Speed likes being wet.
_____a. For the love of Luna, show her what a bath is! Or a swimming pool. She'll love it.
2. That carnage smells like a cinnabon to her.
3. Therefore, she's intentionally making a mess of things.

but dude's still a wasteland leader. Of a truly organized commercial big settlement

Lot sof ponies wonder how Los Pegasus survived the bombardment as well as it did. The answer was they built guns. MOst guns. THey had effectively ALL the anti-air defenses and made a flack cloud so thick over the city they didn't know the enclave had sealed off the sky. This was insufficient, as it only stopped 93% of the bombardment. So, they turned the small arms of the Pegan guard upon the skies. It shouldn't ahve worked, but it did. Los Pegasus survived, being struck by a single low-yield tatical warhead. As most of its infrastructure was intact, but it's governing bodies were quite dead (many believe a hole was made int he defends over city hall) the various corporations that ran the city behind the scenes... Well... The point is, that's how the Pegan Guardsmares earned the nickname "The Wall of Guns".

Aww, hug your little monster for all is worth, Gears. You might make of her a hero yet

Also tell her what towels are.

---

9596624 I am honored, thank you :3

[Booster Spice]

Numbers verses having to face off psycho mountain again? Then again, often numbers are the worst. That impact a function of the square of number of combatants on each side, if everythings the same.

With the crazy, and now silver and gold trim, I keep expecting Lord Tellis to pop up and bellow with BRIAN BLESSEDs voice if noone else has been written in yet? Like Psycho?

Pegans. Oh dear. Then again, shooting down TACs with handguns.

[Midknight Defender]

“It’s so not,” Wander sighed before hugging me back. “I wanted to see that movie so bad. Point is, I don’t need to worry about being shot. Just about losing my head.”

Well, if you find yourself in the ruins of Vanhoover or Los Pegasus, I'm sure movie studio film vaults probably weren't high priority for scavenging. You might find a copy of the original and the sequel

“YOU LIKE GALAXY QUEST TOO!?”

Oh boy. We got a Tim Allen fanfilly here. 5 bits says she falls in love with an alicorn-squid hybrid of some kind.

It’s simple equivalent exchange. Just like alchemy.

Hey, an anime reference I actually get. I feel young again!

“OH, GODDESSES!” Wander shrieked as she started to claw at her tongue with her hooves. “IT TASTES LIKE NOT-GRAPE-COUGH-SYRUP AND SEWAGE!”

Well, better than not-orange-cough-syrup and sewage, so there's that going for it?

“Culturally, you’re not a foal the minute you touch a cup of this, so we technically didn’t do that,” I said with an apologetic smile.

So what you're saying, Gears, is... tonight, you made a mare outta Wander?

Wait a minute… I’d hugged Speed post battle!

Maybe you can find someone who can design a weaker version of a gale shield that just keeps the splattered blood of her enemies off her outfit and fur? Everypony needs post-battle hugs...

[Meep the Changeling]

9597829

Well, if you find yourself in the ruins of Vanhoover or Los Pegasus, I'm sure movie studio film vaults probably weren't high priority for scavenging. You might find a copy of the original and the sequel

SHe might! But there is one problem with that... Highlander 2 is horrible!

Well, better than not-orange-cough-syrup and sewage, so there's that going for it?

Not-Orange tastes like sewage tho, so, it was realy not-grape and not-orange flavored.

So what you're saying, Gears, is... tonight, you made a mare outta Wander?

YES! Somone got the joke

[Midknight Defender]

9597869

SHe might! But there is one problem with that... Highlander 2 is horrible!

Ahh, but you forget: everything is better in Equestria!

Even Highlander 2 would be awesome in its magic pony land version!

...just another reason to want to go there, I guess.

But we won't ever even hint to her about End Game. That would just be capriciously visiting human cruelty on an innocent world...

[Meep the Changeling]

9597934

But we won't ever even hint to her about End Game. That would just be capriciously visiting human cruelty on an innocent world...

That might be a very very very bad idea. We have an immortal wizard with infinite time on her hooves (theoretically)...

"Hey, so in our timeline there were like, seven Highlander movies."
"Awesome! Can I see?"
"Uhhhhh... okay."

1,000 years of tech progression later...

"In fealty to the Divine Princess, Our Undying Lady, and in service to the silver crown... I hereby declare Extermanatus upon the world of Sol Tertium!"

"For the love of everything, tell her the movies wern't that bad!"
".... I can't tell a lie tho."

[SGA]

Looks like Gears's sexy bringing all the mares to the yard.

[ClockworkMage]

9596226
You're right and that's horrifying.

[djthomp]

“Speed,” I asked quietly. “Do you like any of those ponies?”

I need to be sure…

“What ponies?” Speed asked honestly confused.

Oh! Good. That’s our little murder-machine being scary at a good moment for a change.

They probably shouldn't have introduced themselves with a warning shot.

“Where did you get a chainsaw scabbard?” Wander asked for both of us.

“That guy,” Speed answered pointing to the pony she’d taken the chainsaw from in the first place.

Makes sense.

Speed is efficient, just gotta keep her pointed at the right targets.

The benefits and disadvantages of being a settlement so crappy that you aren't worth raiding.

I raised my other eyebrow. If correct, that tonic’s recipe would prove invaluable to Lith! It could conceivably restore sanity to a feral ghoul for a few hours. If we did that, then administered a bloodice amulet, maybe we could lock them in a mentally stable state and—

Interesting idea.

This is going to go very badly very quickly if Speed kills this zebra.

Speed frowned and lowered her shotgun slightly. “Wait, there’s flammable stuff in here?”

“Yes,” I said with a slow nod. “So please, put the shotgun away.”

Speed nodded, sheathed her shotgun, and drew her chainsaw.

“I got this,” Wander said as she passed a small cloth bag to Madam Orma with her magic. “There’s enough there for the recipe, and four doses of the potion. I might want to do more than one, you know?”

The ancient zebra and I turned to face Wander at the same time, both aghast at the thought. “No you will not!” we said together.

That rather makes it sound like once is a bad idea.

Somepony needed to perform a banishing ritual to end all banishment rituals on the ruins. Before this thing animated itself one day and started to roam the land murdering… well… everything!

That does seem like a concern.

“Los Pegasus prides itself on industry, ma’am!” the violently pink mare said in that ‘retail worker telling ponies a basic and obvious facet’ voice.

“We are the Wasteland’s armory!” Another shouted, also by total customer-service-agent reflex.

“Please take the time to participate in our survey after this encounter?” the last one asked in a sad completion of the customer-service-agent arc.

Interesting.

I'm curious to learn more about the Prince.

Oh, Celestia… They shared a geek thing I knew nothing about. I was going to drown in their in jokes, wasn’t I?

Probably.

I'm concerned about how potions apparently work.

“Extremely important!” I warned half-way panicking. “Once you’re done vomiting and bleeding, you’ll feel great. Really, really, really great. You may see a snow white mare. Just white. No other colors. If she asks you to go with her, you have to say no! If you say yes, you die . Understand?”

Very concerned.

“We have a large supply of many things,” He replied casually as he returned to keeping Wander from drowning in her own vomit. “If only we had ponies who knew how to use our stockpiles to create more technically and arcanely advanced items… If that were so, we could do more for the poor souls of this world than provide them with a means of self-defense.”

Lith really needs to make contact with these ponies, and then set up a trading arrangement.

I sputtered. Katydid's unofficial uncle was alive?! AND OLD?! “G— Great dragon?! As in an elder dragon? Wait, wasn’t he a hatchling during the Ministry era?”

That's something Katydid would probably be thrilled to know about, and the same for Spike to know about her. Spike meeting kinda sorta Flurry after all this time would be nice to arrange.

“Oh, um,” I cleared my throat and tapped my hooves together awkwardly. “Soooo, Queen Katydid is my godmother, and she’s Celestia’s Grand Niece, but Tia felt old being called a Great Aunt, so she asked her to call her an aunt, and since I’m Katydid’s goddaughter, that makes Celestia my Great Grand Godaunt, but that sounds really stupid and would make her feel old so we settled on aunt.”

Surely that just leads to more questions from anyone in the Heartlands hearing it.

“The problem is the NCR’s bureaucrats believe the Prince has the power to ‘control minds’.”

I blinked twice. “I mean… He apparently took over a city via persuasion… Does he?”

Kind of a good question.

”Damn! This guy is pure pre-ministry Royal Guard,” Imaginary Dad said, just as awestruck as I was.

Yeah, he is.

“Firearms are a little too cruel for my taste. It’s difficult to ensure your foe is killed quickly and without undue pain,” Silverlight mentioned off hoof.

Ooo, so maybe jedi instead of royal guard?

A blur of motion from Silverlight caught my eye. His cloak billowed as he drew a longsword from beneath its silken folds. I caught a glimpse of gold-trimmed silver power armor beneath his cloak as the ornate blade slid free from its scabbard.

The blade appeared to be made from a carved pearl. The hilt was solid gold and held a single round jewel which glittered and burned like a tiny sun. As Silverlight’s magic ran down the blade, the weapon’s enchantments responded, transmuting the blade into a glowing column of white-hot fire.

Definitely a jedi.

Wall of Guns?

Wander let go of me to look me in the eyes. “Shhh, talking to your soul,” she whispered before nodding. “That’s good. At least you're happy as part of her.”

“Woah, what, what?!” I sputtered. “You’re actually talking too— She’s not being tortured or—”

“SHHH!” Wander hissed while flashing me an irritated look. “I don’t know sign-language very well and everything’s getting fuzzy. It’ shard to unders—”

Huh.

She nodded feebly. “Y— Yeah… Not O— Oc… Octy. Just Lyra and Bonnie. They want me to go north. To Whinnyapolis. I— I’ve never been there before. It’s where Lyra’s business was.”

Side quest accepted.

“I mean, she’s a lovable dork, and is definitely where your personality comes from. She’s not tortured. She was willing when she was bound to you. Apparently she also loved Beep Boop. Cosplayed her, even. So this whole, being a robopony’s soul thing is kind of her idea of a heaven.”

That's very convenient.

Speed trotted over put a hoof on her neck and then nodded in satisfaction. “She’s alive!” Speed announced with a smile, the frowned, her ears going all floppy. “Uh… Dead? Undead? Unlive? Dead-live? … On! She is on.”

On works.

[Meep the Changeling]

9598585

Makes sense.

I mean where else would she get it? Ponies cant just spontaneously create the proper equipment to hold weapons. That's nonsense right there.

That rather makes it sound like once is a bad idea.

It totaly is... Unless you're specifically preparing to be a shamen, in which case, this is a good method of making sure you have the (literal) stumoch for it.

Very concerned.

To be fair, if you want to see into the world byond this one... YOu kinda can't be alive. This potion kills you juuuuust enough to let you have a look then come back.

Wall of Guns?

Lots of ponies wonder how Los Pegasus survived the bombardment as well as it did. The answer was they built guns. Most guns, infact. Nearly all of the bullets those guns would shoot were made in the city too. It was one of if not the bigest centers of millitary industry in the nationdurring the last days.

When the sirens unleashed their warning, the various corporations pulled everything off the factory floor which was even remotely fireable, and combined with the city's existing anti-air defenses as well as the battleship docked in the habor, the Pegans made a flack cloud so thick over their beloved city they didn't know the enclave had sealed off the sky.

Inspire of this unprecedented level of anti-air coverage, the cloud wasn't enough. Especialy since every time a misscile was detonated by the cloud, it would make a hole in their shield. This was insufficient, as it only stopped 93% of the bombardment. In theroy, enough missciles would get through to level the city should the attack last for more than 4 hours.

The Guardsponies serving as the city's local protectorate decided that this called for a futile and stupid guesture on someone' spart... and they were just the ponies to do it.

Nearly ten thousand soldiers turned the small arms of the Pegan guard upon the skies. It shouldn't ahve worked, but it did. Los Pegasus survived, being struck by a single low-yield tactical warhead. As most of its infrastructure was intact, but it's governing bodies were quite dead (many believe a hole was made in the defends over city hall) the various corporations that ran the city behind the scenes... Well... The ovious thing happened.

The true point of this story is not what became of the city after the Last Days. This is the story of how the Pegan Guardsmares earned the nickname "The Wall of Guns", and why for two hundred years, Los Pegasus has been safe behind its wall.

And also why they call any large mobilized force of their millitary a Wall of Guns.

That's very convenient.

Indeed. if the soul had been unwilling you'd have gotten a crazed murder-machine/ghost out of it. Necromancy is more consent than magic...

[Replica Knight]

9598635
I know I'm way out of the FoE thing even though I enjoy reading these types of stories but I do have one question:

Why are the other FoE stories non-canon?
I mean it's in the same world and not everything goes on in the same place all the time like in the Fallout 1, 2, 3, New Vegas and 4.

Who made it that Fallout Equestrian is the only canon story but others like FoE PH are non-canon. I just want to understand and they are different things even if it is the perspective of another individual.

[Meep the Changeling]

9607061

I know I'm way out of the FoE thing even though I enjoy reading these types of stories but I do have one question:

Why are the other FoE stories non-canon? ... Who made it that Fallout Equestrian is the only canon story but others like FoE PH are non-canon

The author of Fallout: Equestria, kkat, is responsible for what is considered cannon to her story. You are free to construct your own headcannons of course, but if you want to know what the foundation of Fallout: Equestria is, it is the original story Fallout: Equestria and the side story A Mare Worth Fighting For. That is it. Nothing else is cannon to Fallout: Equestria, not even kkat's own blogs. She has expressly stated this many times and is quite protective of this idea for reasons unknown.

kkat says very little to anyone about anything, other than that "You can write whatever you want based of Fallout: Equestria as long as you understand it is a side story and thus not cannon to the original, and also as long as you do not profit off of Fallout: Equestria in any way." Though donating money made from it to charity, or paying for the cost of printing leather bound copies of the story are okay, apparently.

I believe kkat's intentions were to ensure the world is left open, or to put it another way she wants the sandbox to be clean. You're free to make your own stories, to have your own ideas, and to include what you want from other people's ideas in that too. Your creativity isn't shackled to anything you don't want it to be, and her work isn't likewise shackled to anything she might not want it to be. kkat rather dislikes a few of the other Fo:E fics. Then again, she also loved A Mare Worth Fighting For so much she made it cannon (though to be double fair, it did fix a major plothole in her story, was ghost written in her voice so well you'd swear she did it, and it's an adorable bit of lesbian pony lovin/relationshippn.).

If you want a first hand explanation, here's a good one:

This is familiar territory for my blog, but I've had several inquiries on the subject of what qualifies as "canon" in the Fallout: Equestria universe. So I've decided to address it again, and in more detail, with a blog post that can easily be linked or referenced.

I've always firmly stated that the only things that are canon to Fallout: Equestria are what is written in the story itself. Any further interpretations and extrapolations are up to those writing side stories. Even my own ideas and expansions, such as those offered in my blog, are merely headcanon and should not invalidate anything anyone else writes.

Full Blog Post

All of that said, I would like to think that if kkat read this story, she would like it (and comment as such. That would make my lifetime.)

[Replica Knight]

9607100
Ahh, makes sense. Although saying that she doesn't like some of the stories made a lot of people avoid those stories, but me nah. I read those stories cause people had great ideas that made those stories burst to life and made people emotional ( Example: Pink Eyes... Yeah, I cried like the most precious thing lost its glint and died in my arms ) But yeah I understand now. Thanks pal.

[Meep the Changeling]

9607125 No problem! Glad to be of service.

[Asolem2]

Sure, she’d explained that she ate it as her diet earlier that evening, but learning the trait was so common was... interesting. Maybe her Stable wasn’t as well… stable as they thought.

Probably isn't

”It makes perfect sense, dear. You just never got to play video games,” Imaginary dad chimed in.

We are all Imaginary dad in this scene

”Hold it together, hun, you’ve got this! Remember, if all else fails, hug!”

A yes, hugs, the foolproof backup plan

I smiled and swished my tail. “I’ll take Speed’s word for it.”

As you should

Oh! It must have a military TK spell-chip. Nice!

Agreed

It wasn’t the goriest’ thing I’d seen in the Heartlands… but it was definitely up there. “No, that guy’s blood,” I corrected reflexively.

I am Gears in this scene

“No,” Speed sighed as she flicked the gore off of her hat. “You got the last one. I wanted to try out my new gun!”

Now now Speed, this is a co-op game so you have accept that you won't get all the kills

”Yes. We both know that can’t actually happen.”

...would be kinda cool though

“That sounds way better and also worse!” Wander exclaimed with a shiver.

Indeed it does

Some ponies swore the foam always took the shape of a skull. Me? I saw crossed bones.

Ohhhh! Now it looked like a pony’s skull. Neat!

R.I.P. Wander

“We have a large supply of many things,” He replied casually as he returned to keeping Wander from drowning in her own vomit. “If only we had ponies who knew how to use our stockpiles to create more technically and arcanely advanced items… If that were so, we could do more for the poor souls of this world than provide them with a means of self-defense.”

Well isn't that convenient

The Pipites split to run around Speed, giving her a wide breath as she ran down the hill.

That's hilarious

[LostArchivist]

“That’s dumb,” Speed said bluntly. “Ponies should know what you like. I kept yours right next to my dream pod on a little podium I made from some rock I found once.”

Even with her face in shadows, I saw Wander’s face go pale.

I triple blinked. “Uh, under the name what?”

That name! Who the hay would honestly go by that?

Oh good. Someone agrees. Ewww.

That battle was epic. Good thing her companions have actually seen worse (HOW?!). Gears has a challenger for her reputation, but it will probably just add to it as "The crazy-pone who has THAT on her team!"

“Who?” Speed whispered into my ear.

“Her wife from before the war died here,” I replied quietly.

“Codex updated. Thanks!” Speed whispered happily.

Why does this amuse me so? :D

Want me to go say hello?”

“Do you mean actually talk to them?” Wander asked, seeking the critically important information.

“I do now,” Speed replied evenly.

I suppose I can see the downsides.

Speed’s eyes narrowed with irritation. “I keep telling you, I’m a batpony, not a batmare, whatever that is!”

Wander bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing. “Speed, give these poor mares back their guns.”

Speeds ears drooped. I narrowed my eyes. “Speed… Give them back.”

“But they're nice guns!” Speed whimpered, her lips trembling.

“Speed… Behave,” Wander said firmly.

Speed sighed, looked down, and levitated the weapons back into each mare’s battle saddle. “Okay… But I don’t have an LMG yet.”

“We can buy one later,” I commented as I turned back to the potion.

This whole conversation was adorable. And terrifying. Adorifying?

The potion bubbled again and began to let off green vapors as it turned a deathly-black and began to accumulate white foam on the top.

Some ponies swore the foam always took the shape of a skull. Me? I saw crossed bones.

Gears, this is when you know to run. But how did its original creator actually think this thing was safe(ish)?!

“What the actual buck, Gears!”

I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah I know it’s a bit off putting but—”

“It’s a pot of ink with a foamy-skull on top of it mouthing the word ‘evil’ in even whiter foam!” Wander exclaimed as she pointed at the pot, wide eyed.

I squinted into its dark depths. “Oh, yeah the bubbles do kind of make it look animated.”

Wander sputtered and took a step back. “Woah, woah, wait, hold it, it’s supposed to look like that!?”

I swear I'm dying over here...

“Oh,” Wander said before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she pitched face first into the dirt next to the fire and immediately threw up.

Into the flames.

The stench was incomprehensible.

“Why do I smell a septic gut wound and burning hair?” Speed called form the distance.

“It’s fine! Wander just puked in the fire. Potion made her do it, that’s normal!” I called back as I dragged Wander’s convulsing, vomit spewing body away from the flames towards the back of the overhang and sighed.

The potion appeared to be working normally. Thank you for not scamming me twice, Madam Orma.

None of these people are normal, apparently. Still laughing. There is SO much wrong with this plan that it goes around the other side.

Well, I do not personally sell firearms or ammunition

First Person is suspicious phrasing there. Is that the actual Prince?

“Firearms are a little too cruel for my taste. It’s difficult to ensure your foe is killed quickly and without undue pain,” Silverlight mentioned off hoof.

He's melee, isn't he.
Yup, called it. He has a Powersword?!

Speed shrugged her wings. “I was raised by simulated Drill Sergeants. I guess hugs are not good for training soldiers? Brothel Breaks as rewards for good behavior, wellll… That’s different.”

AND HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!

Wait a minute… I’d hugged Speed post battle!

“Ew!” I groaned.

“Huh?” Speed asked with a frown.

“Nothing. Just gotta wash my armor too now…” I muttered as we trotted off into the distance.

Give in to the dark side. Or the gross and gore-covered side.

---

She used her PipBuck granted Telekinesis to spin her shotgun around like a cowpony holstering a revolver

PipBuck-granted, and I'm not sure if Telekinesis should be capitalized. Normally having random words capitalized mid-sentence is bad.

and I could hear where he was amining anyways.

aiming

plus a small bundle of what looked like a single stock of Bear's-Head Tooth Mushroom.

single stalk

“And that pissed the Pipits off… how?” I asked with a confused frown.

Pipites

Somewhere in the distance, Speed’s chainsaw reved, making the five of us jump.

revved

“Hold on,” Wander asked with an audible grin. “Is that why you weren't phased by Gears being a robopony?”

I'm fairly sure that's fazed.

The foam on top of hit shifted, changing shape subtly as it began to bubble to allow vapor to escape.

on top of it

This is not the fun kind of hallucigen

hallucinogen

“You’re actually talking too— She’s not being tortured or—”

talking to

Her muscle sjut stopped working and that’s how she happened to fall.

muscles just

Speed’s PpipBuck glowed as she used its magic to put Wander in place on my back.

PipBuck (had an extra p)

[Meep the Changeling]

9648750

Gears, this is when you know to run. But how did its original creator actually think this thing was safe(ish)?!

Go without food for a week. Just about anything will appear edible.

Yup, called it. He has a Powersword?!

Duh, that's how you know he's an officer.

AND HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!

It dosen't. This is called "she dosnt know troopers tinkered with that program for reasons of "dude... we could use this to get laid with no strings attached.""

[Vibrant lies]

Great chapter! This story just keeps getting better and better! Although there were more spelling mistakes in this chapter than usual

[Meep the Changeling]

9776725 Sorry about that. I'll ask my editor to give it another look over :3

[Doomande]

Speed is best pony. Best jokes, best awws, just in general best pony. And if anyone are gonna mistreat her will I do them more harm than she ever would!

Nitpicks:
"Before the upgrades…..." Way too many dots here
"The foam on top of hit shifted" it
"and suddenly Speed was holding her pistol out ot my face. " Typo
" It’ shard to unders—" Have to put the space on the other side of the s
"Her muscle sjut stopped working and that’s how she happened to fall. " just
"Speed’s PpipBuck glowed as she used its magic to put Wander in place on my back." Only one P... you know what I mean

[Replica Knight]

No wonder caravans get hit buy enemies most of the time. Escort missions are sometimes the hardest thing possible

[Lexiebommel10]

She used her PipBuck granted Telekinesis to spin her shotgun around like a cowpony holstering a revolver

Cowponys would most likley be stereotyped as earth ponys, the guns are twirled using fingers, I can accept traction hooves but i cant imagine a single hoof being able to twirl something like that :p i can see how speed did it and i can imagine a pegusus doing it with a wing but a hoof would freakin blow my mind

[Meep the Changeling]

9990558 You know how eart ponies use their moulths and tongues as a fien manipulator? IE that's seemingly how they write? They'd probably do that to spin a gun XD (Though given Big Mac manipulates a toothpick with his hoof, they can clearly use that too.)

[Alchemik]

Organic adorable murderbot pone is incredibly adorable. Somehow.

And hey! Character progress! Wander got see some of her old friends and Gears has a soul! Actually has, not just has has. ...yeah, now I too am wondering how that works.

[AlexVII]

“Speed,” I asked quietly. “Do you like any of those ponies?”

I need to be sure…

“What ponies?” Speed asked honestly confused.

[Warren Peace]

“Nah. No creepy gas masks that make them look like generic grinding mobs,” Speed said with a dismissive flick of her tail. “I… I think that’s… No, it's not the Royal Hussars, humm…”

I love Speed, this got a good little wheeze out of me.

[Meep the Changeling]

11715612 I'd love to take credit for this one, but I think this particular line was my editor's work. Glad you liked it nonetheless :D