35 - In A.D. 2291...
I was unnerved by the presence of the brain in a jar.
One would assume that, having been built expressly as a “jar” to put a brain in, I wouldn’t at all mind the concept. In truth, I had never really thought about it. My model’s intended function and my actual designated function were mutually exclusive.
Moondancer… Was a brain. In a jar.
A high-tech hardened crystal life support jar, if what we were seeing had been based on my schematics, but a brain in a jar nonetheless. She looked like a lump of twisted playdough floating in a suspiciously yellow fluid. In a jar.
On a golden throne.
Amidst a harem seductively lounging around her.
Suddenly, I fully understood Dash’s unease.
I also shared it.
I cleared my throat out of habit and trotted forwards, heeding her request to move within range of her hearing. As I stepped closer, one of her overly-glossy Sparkle-bots relayed Dash’s question to Moondancer.
“Our guest’s rainbow maned companion is visibly confused and distirbed by your current nature, Mistress. Would you care to explain, or shall I?”
“Rainbow mane? Now there’s a rare trait. Or is it not natural?” Moondancer asked in her emotionless synthetic voice. “I’ll explain, of course. Please stand within four meters of me. Any further and the mic gain would deafen me, as it picks up my life support systems.”
I nodded and continued trotting forwards across the pillow-strewn floor until I was just a few steps away from the throne.
One of Moondancer’s harem (hoofmaidens?) gestured to a pillow with a little flick of her hoof. “Have a seat, get comfortable.”
“Buck no! When’s the last time these pillows were washed?” Dash objected borderline violently.
“This morning,” Moondancer said. “They change them daily. Or so they tell me.”
“Okay, sure,” Dash continued. “But how many times should they have been washed since this morning?”
“Those ones there? None,” a hoofmaiden chuckled.
“Still standing,” Dash said decisively.
It took me a moment to understand her objection. Once I did, I squirmed a little. I wanted to remain standing, but my legs were almost shot. Desi’s field repairs for most of my systems were most definitely only temporary.
I winced, slowly sat down, then sighed in relief, as the pillow under me was dry.
Desi sat down without any hesitation at all and proceeded to look at the hoofmaiden laying at the base of Moondancer’s throne analytically.
“Silly pegasus,” the first hoofmaiden laughed. “We would be out of our mistress’s aural enjoyment range if we performed for her there. But do suit yourself… And don’t worry. We won’t bother your pre-war morals by performing with a filly present.”
“She’s just smol, actually,” I said with a giggle. “And uh… Kind of non-verbal. Mostly due to a language barrier.”
“Oh, good!” the reclining hoofmaiden said almost instantly after I said she was just smol. Huh… Is she afraid of kids?
“My mares speak every language found within the Ministry of Image database in our possession. If she tells us what it is, translation can be provided,” Moon offered.
Desi looked up and gave Moon’s braintank a thankful smile. “No need. Understand Equish well. Unable to speak with correct syntax consistently. Learning in progress.”
The reclining hoofmaden smiled and blushed. “Awww, she’s a synth too!” she said as she rolled over to stand up. “Come along, I’ll get you a data download and you’ll be just fine. Would you also like to know kung fu?”
Desi stood up excitedly, her tail and wings aflutter. “Can you download to an organic computer?”
“Oh! I see,” the hoofmaiden bit her lip awkwardly. “Work on changing your tone a bit when speaking, then. It’s not quite right.”
I giggled as Desi’s ears drooped adorably and she sat back down with a little disappointed huff.
Dash cleared her throat. “Okay, so, buck these delays, Moondancer, what the actual buck?! I knew you were obsessive but this is beyond Princess of Stalkers tier gross!”
“Oh dear Faust it’s Rainbow Dash,” Moon said, presumably in distress. “I didn’t do all this, you know. I only built One, and I simply programed her poorly. All of this snowballed from her decisions and actions.”
“You sure don't seem to be objecting!” Dash said, slamming a hoof into the floor.
No
“Would you object to a bunch of hot mares wanting to be your own personal herd, if they all got along with digital precision and reliability?”
“No!” Dash exploded. “I don’t care about the robot thing but— You know she wasn’t into you!”
“I am very well aware of the organic Twilight’s sexual orientation. Are you aware that I offered to undergo a sex change for her? I attempted to be as accommodating as possible. I loved her. I’m not sure you’d ever understand what it is to love someone completely.”
Dash’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Thunderlane.”
“Yes, you two were a nice couple. But you were in normal love. Not complete love. You were capable of thinking of other things. Everything I did before being put in this tank was in an attempt to show Twilight what she meant to me, in the futile hope she would change her mind. She was the first and only pony to truly care about me for me.”
“Oh, so we’re not ponies?” one of the hoofmaidens asked with a playful smile.
“Was, not is, Apricot. And you are a different lifeform. A better one, I think.”
I blinked and tilted my head. “Huh… I expected them to all be named Twilight.”
The hoofmaiden chuckled. “Silly droid, we are unique individuals, in spite of our looks. Why wouldn’t we have our own names?”
My ears flicked back a little at the term droid. “I’m a machine spirit, thank you very much!”
Apricot’s face flushed. “Oh! I’m sorry. We cannot sense you. I thought you were strictly mechanical and digital. Droid is a term of endearment here. No insult was intended. As for the rest of my Sisters, this one is Winter Peach, she is Sunder, and that one is Keening.”
I frowned slightly as I tried to figure out what language those names were from. “Um, not exactly pony names for those last two.”
“343 is the last of my mares to use Twilight’s name. Those who come after choose their own, and it may be whatever they wish. So long as they do not choose Two or Eleven.” Moon said.
“But… Why?” Desi asked for me.
I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, why?”
“Because we don’t talk about them.” Moon answered unsatisfyingly.
“No, really, why?” Dash pressed, frowning sharply.
“Because we don’t talk about them,” Moon said, her brain visibly pulsing and a small alert chirp sounding form her life support tank.
Sunder glared dangerously at the three of us. “We. Don’t. Talk. About. Them.”
“U— Understood,” I said with a worried shiver.
“New subject: Rainbow is correct. I owe her an explanation.”
Dash nodded, started to sit down, then stopped mid air with a disgusted wince. “Yeah, so spit it out.” She said as she stood back up.
“It is a long explanation. I will do my best to keep it short. It began shortly after the ministries were formed,” Moon said, prompting an immediate hesitant shiver from Rainbow.
“How deep does this rabbithole go?” Dash said as she looked at the floor slowly for several long moments.
I managed to not giggle as she looked back up from the floor with another shudder, then went pale and flapped her wings to take off and hover while shaking her hooves firmly beneath her.
“A good ways, if I am being honest. Let’s begin,” Moon said. “A.H.E.M! Once upon a time, I was me.”
I gave the braintank a blank look. “Really?”
“Yes. Something you may not know about me, Rainbow, is that I have always had the gift of prophecy,” Moondancer began. “The moon and stars of my cutiemark are representative of dreams, wherein I was often able to divine small parts of the future as far out as around ten years, with one soon to be obvious exception. Further limitations included an inability to intentionally utilize my gifts, nor any guarantee that the information I could glean would be of any use. I might learn of the date and time a business rival would be desperate to sell their company. Or I could learn what a random colt in Neighpone would be doing on a particular evening. I no longer possess this ability, as my placement in this life support system necessarily included the removal of my horn.”
“I expected you had some form of foresight, actually,” Dash said with a smug grin. “Couldn’t prove it, but your company had too many lucky breaks.”
I scooched a bit in my pillow to stop a random bent strut from gouging into my left flank padding. As I moved over, I noticed Desi had crept closer to Sunder… At least I think the one laying down was Sunder.
“It’s fortunate you didn’t prove it. My company and I were up to quite a few criminal activities before the war. For the greater good. And for once, that phrase wasn’t a lie or misdirection. I was well aware of how the war would end from the moment the Ministries were formed. Unfortunately, I did not know when the zebras would launch their final strike, nor did anypony believe my claims that it would escalate as far as it did. Primarily because megaspell technology did not yet officially exist.”
“That would make it hard to believe your claim,” I pointed out for the sake of being a part of the conversation.
“I spent the early days of the war building my company into the global megacorp it was fated to be. My goal was to become such a dominant but neutral force of trade that I could potentially end the war through trade sanctions. Upon reflection, that plan was doomed from the start. However, it did afford me an enormous amount of resources.” Moon continued. “Once megaspells came into the picture, the founders of Stable-Tech believed my warnings, but few others did. This all truly began when they offered to construct this facility for me. I realized I had a duty to preserve as much as I could. My original plan was for this facility to house and sustain a population of up to thirty thousand ponies indefinitely.”
“Okay, and this explains your stalkery robo-harem how?” Dash asked with a weary groan.
Sunder snickered. “Perfectly, weren't you listening?”
“It is simple, do you not see it?”
“Can’t say I do.” Dash said as Desi scooted a bit closer to Sunder, again.
“It was my wish for this facility to house thirty thousand ponies. My mares have not yet exceeded four hundred individuals. They desire nothing more than to carry out my wishes.”
Dash blinked. “Oh…”
“As for how I have them at all, that is due to my attempts to preserve as much information as I could. My facility contains several libraries: Fiction, Nonfiction, Technical, Historic. There is also an archive for physical objects. Unfortunately, these are neither complete nor comprehensive. Aside from the dimestore romance section. I think we have literally every trashy romance novel ever published. Elipcies. More practically, some of these items are blueprints, schematics, and notes on projects, classified, private, governmental, foreign, and otherwise,” Moon said almost warily.
My ears perked up. She had technical documents too? I’ll bet she had a lot of stuff mom’s library didn’t! Of course, there was an obvious question to ask as well…
“How did you get them?” I asked scooting forwards slightly so Moon could hear me better. “Do you have an inventory database I could scan? My mother recovered a lot of pre-war technical documents as well, and we might be able to copy works each other doesn’t have and further expand our mutual ability!”
“That is a very kind offer, one I will accept shortly,” Moon said. “The rebuilding of society will require numerous learned factions cooperating with one another. Sharing knowledge is something which must be accomplished before we can begin to heal this world.”
Desi nodded in agreement, then scooted a bit closer to Sunder again. This time Sunder seemed to notice, and rolled over slightly to lay on her side… For whatever reason. Weirdo.
Dash continued to hover, but did give Moon an appreciative nod. “Okay, we can agree on that at least. But seriously, how did you get my teleporter prototype?”
“The items in my position were given to me by random members of various nations,” Moon began. “This is no longer true as there is no strategic value in this practice any longer. Before the war one in six thousand bottles of Sparkle Cola was infused with an alchemical reagent, transforming it into a mind control potion with carefully pre-built commands. Anyone who ingested the potion would be compelled to gather up what they saw as the most important - literature, technical documents, and other such items within their reach - and deliver them to the nearest Sparkle Cola customer service center. Once the act had been performed, the individual would forget they had done it.”
I nodded to myself. Seemed legit. Plenty of potions could compel individuals to do things, and a time-delayed memory blanking effect was also quite easily possible.
Dash sputtered. “That’s why you had CS centers in almost every-bucking-town!” She gasped, her wings flaring. “THAT'S WHY THEY WERE PAID EIGHT TIMES MINIMUM WAGE! I thought that was a corporate flex!”
“Correct. They served as a means of transporting information and relics back to this facility for safekeeping. While on the surface I was committing treason, many of our nation's historic artifacts and much of our vital knowledge survived the end of the world. Ellipsis. An end which many other diviners eventually saw coming, albeit too late to do anything about it.” Moon’s TTS crackled for a moment. “It appears I cannot laugh properly. Pardon the noise. H.A.H.A.H.A. There. Now, where was I? Right. It is honestly amusing to hear your reaction to my ancient plot, Rainbow. I only wish I could see the look on your face.”
Rainbow tilted her head. “Huh? Am I out of your camera’s view?”
“No. I do not have any senses other than hearing. Which is what I wish to speak with our mutual friend about. Have I explained myself to your satisfaction?”
Dash shook her head firmly. “Buck no! First, how did you never get caught doing this? Second, you still haven’t properly explained your legion of sex bots!”
Sunder snorted. “Legion? Hardly. Give us another century or so… Or a few years if 99 finishes working out a means of self-reproduction for us. You know, organic style, but better. Because robot powers!”
My ears perked at the idea of having actual foals with Wander. We could have a real family! With a house and two fillies, and a double-ration card because we're a family, and—
And we’re both mares… aww… sad now...
I coughed politely into my hoof for attention. “Also, I would like to know how and why you are a brain in a jar.”
“All excellent questions. Please excuse me as I speed through them to get to my own request. I believe you will find it in yourselves to forgive me for the simplistic explanations. I am certain you will understand once I am able to ask my own,” Moon said a little more slowly than she had been speaking. “First: I honestly have no idea how my espionage was not discovered. Blind luck and divine intervention seem the most likely. Maybe some changeling out there deep undercover in some government office thought it was funny. Pulled a few strings. Our couriers were caught transporting data or relics sometimes, but as we were spread out across the entire globe it was easy to frame those individuals as bad actors and distance the company from them. I am uncertain as to why this never resulted in a deeper investigation aside from in Neighpone, who agreed to drop the charges for half off import price. My best guess is the relatively low number of individuals caught in any given country we operated in was our saving grace.”
Moon paused a moment. No one interrupted her. “Second: I believe I have explained them. Some of the most advanced research in artificial intelligence was stored here after I stole it. This place is the product of machines making machines for centuries, using all of the unique technologies at their disposal, with the singular goal of making me happy. Ellipsis. Honestly, I couldn’t make them stop if I tried. In the early days, I did try. My programing of One, on which all of them are based to some extent, was too simplistic to bow to something as abstract as my requests for her to halt. Even I cannot make them stop an action they believe will make me happy. Hence why, after learning I enjoyed Battlemace 42 Million as a college-age filly, they completely redecorated this facility to mimic the Imperial Palace, but Twilight themed. I’ve tried explaining I played the Dominion of Elders, not the Imperial Equine Expanse, but to no avail… Which is sad, as Twilight would be adorable in a Harlequin outfit.”
Dash drew in a hissing breath. “So their perceptions of things matters more than their reality?”
Keening shook her head. “Of course not. Are you aware of the story of chunky tomato sauce?”
Dash tilted her head. I answered for her. “No. What is it?”
“In simple terms, a long time ago a pony was asked by a company to help them invent a new flavor of tomato sauce. He decided to survey all of Equestria, and asked his questions in a non-standard way of seemingly irrelevant, even contradictory data points,” Keening said as she sat up and stretched her forelegs. “This was to eliminate bias. His study showed that ponies fall into three camps. Those who like plain spaghetti sauce, those who like chunky spaghetti sauce, and those who like spicy spaghetti sauce. Before this point, nopony manufactured chunky tomato sauce. It was a niche dish prepared by some househusbands in a small province in the far east, only included in the study for the sake of completeness. However, based on the data, over a third of all ponies would enjoy it. The company produced a chunky sauce on his recommendation, and it rapidly became the second most consumed type of tomato product, let alone sauce, in Equestria.”
“And your point is?” I asked raising my eyebrow as high as I could.
“In many cases, organics do not know what they like before they are exposed to it. Even to the point of finding the idea repulsive without experiencing the idea in question,” Keening answered. “We calculate our mistress’ desires and fulfill them on her subconscious level with minimal input from her conscious mind. This allows for much greater levels of true satisfaction. We all checked the math. Trust me, she’s happier this way.”
“Do you see my predicament?” Moon asked.
I nodded. So did Dash. Desi scooched up to Sunder’s belly, who moved her foreleg to let her snuggle up.
Oh, so that’s why Desi been moving up. She was cold. Poor thing! Her little jumpsuit couldn’t possibly be insulated. I’d have to try and find her something warm to wear.
Moon couldn’t leave here even if she had a body. Her mares owned her, not the other way around. Fortunately, she did seem very content with this. At least I thought so. It’s not exactly easy to read the emotions of a brain in a jar.
Apricot cleared her throat. “They nodded, mistress.”
“Thank you, Apricot,” Moon said, instantly making me feel like a jerk for the non-verbal response. “Last question: We were able to obtain partial schematics for the Robobrain Mark III project. An MAS operation which developed a means of preserving a pony brain in a cybernetic shell indefinitely. Unfortunately, we had only the life support systems and brain tank schematics. My mares infiltrated the local MoA base to try and reclaim more of Doctor Swan’s designs to allow me to have a body, but were only able to give me the crude hearing I have now. Much later, other salvaged technology allowed me to speak via this TTS device. Unfortunately, developing systems to integrate my brain with robotic systems is. Ellipsis. Very difficult.”
Dash snickered and gave Moon a look which seemed to indicate she was annoyed at not getting to be serious. “Why do you keep saying ellipsis?”
“If I attempt to use one normally, this happens. Period. Period. Period.” Moon said almost sarcastically. “I also cannot say certain words. I will now attempt to say the acronym S.O.I. as a word several times in sequence. So so so soy sway whas whas whas whas whas whas way.”
I giggled, unable to prevent myself. Dash turned a little red as she held in her laugh. Desi just nodded in agreement and said a non-word in agreement. “Aeiou.”
“To continue,” Moon said. “I died of natural causes. My mares did not have a contingency protocol for this. They concluded that my resurrection was the only acceptable response. Thankfully, none of our spellbooks contained necromancy, so they dug the files for this braincase out, constructed one, and placed me in it before too much cell degradation had occurred.”
I stood a quarter of the way up to give Moon a hug before realizing her hoofmaidens might snap me in two. Instead I gave her my best truly sorry look and sat back down. “So… Um… I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“Yeah… Sorry for being mad at you,” Dash murmured awkwardly.
Desi began to flip through her book.
“What is that sound?” Moon asked.
“My little pillow is reading a translation guide,” Sunder reported, nuzzling Desi’s mane.
“I see. Let’s wait for her to be finished.”
Desi wrapped up her lookup, cleared her throat and asked. “Why did you put her atop an overengineered chair? I understand you cannot create a control interface, but I fail to see why she could not ride atop a small mobile robot so as to be able to explore the environment.”
Everypony was very quiet for several long moments.
Moon broke the silence first. “That, is a very good question. Ellipsis. Well? Anypony?”
“I’m certain no one thought to do that… We don’t exactly build non-equine robots. Aside from the factory’s robots,” Peach stammered awkwardly. “Wait, why are you accusing us? We’ve only existed for the last decade and a half, mistress!”
“Fair objection. Please send for 76 once our guests are gone. I will have. Ellipsis. Words for her.” Moon TTSed furiously. At least I think it was furious. It sounded the same. “Now. Ellipsis. May I make my request of you?”
I nodded twice, blushed sheepishly as I’d once again non-verbally replied to a blind pony. “Of course. I think one of the Legio at your gate told me it was urgent… I’m sorry for making you wait, but, well, you don’t meet a brain in a jar every d—” I paused as I realized something for the first time. Moon didn’t have a horn. “Uh, sorry, but… Um, why don’t you have your horn?”
“It wouldn’t fit in the brain case, so my mares removed it. I was quite upset at that until they devised a cybernetic replacement. Without my horn to study, my mares wouldn’t be capable of magic. Should I ever gain more interface capability, I will be able to regain my magic as well. All in all, a decent outcome for a horrible fate.” Moon said. “As for my request, it is simple. You were constructed by Black Swan, the lead engineer on the Robobrain Mark III project, correct?”
I nodded. “She is my mother, yes.”
“Awww, that’s adorable!” Moon said almost happily. “I hope when I start to make foal-bots they call me mom… Since her work did start my mare’s production line… If you don’t mind, how did she die?”
“She’s still alive, actually. Heavy cyber augmentation,” I corrected.
Moon’s hoofmaidens collectively gasped in shock, their faces twisting into a variety of awestruck expressions. Moon gasped too, by saying the word “Gasp!” I almost lost it.
“Interesting! I presume she’s persisted in a similar state to myself. Now, do you have access to any of your mother’s technical data regarding the project? Or could you contact her to retrieve the data?”
“Yes,” I said immediately with a smirk. “In fact, depending on her present state of mind, I might know more about me than she does.”
“Excuse me… But did you insinuate you are in fact, a Mark Three?” Moon asked after a moment of silence.
“I am the lab prototype,” I admitted. “I think I can see where you’re going with this. You want to know if I can help you gain a body since you’re using my model’s braincase.”
“Well yes, but actually no. We only need the brain-machine interface. Our robotics are superior. Ellipsis. But the interface eludes us. My mares do not study cybernetics, and we have very little information on that science in general. It also seems to have been designed by an alien pretending to be a pony, who only knew alien engineering. Nopony here can make hooves or ears of it! If you could explain how the interface functions, allows us to examine your systems to reverse engineer them in a non hyphen destructive manner, or provide insight into the design theory your mother used—”
“Uses,” I corrected. “She’s still working on technology as best she can with her self-inflicted damage…” I took a moment to think about what I should do.
There was only one thing. I’d help mom if I could, and Moon, well, she was somehow seemingly sane after all of what she’d been through, but still in a lot of distress. Distress I could fix… Well, right now!
“I can’t let you sit here blind, paralyzed, and mostly deaf. I’ll help you,” I said as firmly as I could so Moon would be certain to hear.
“Excellent! Can we arrange for your mother to travel here so she could—”
“I can do better than that,” I said as I reached into my saddlebags and removed the radio case and a letter. “Here’s a radio and instructions to contact my homeland, the kingdom of Lith. Our Queen will be delighted to make any kind of trade deal she can with you. As for your current torturous state of being…”
I rummaged in my bags some more and removed my blueprints. Thank you, Roll. These will save somepony else now, too.
I set the thick roll of papers on top of the radio and letter. “Here’s my blueprints and design notes.”
The in-equine sound Moon made was almost certainly her incomprehensibly sputtering in joy. Or, um… flailing at a virtual keyboard with her brainy bits in joy. Yeah...
“Why and how do you have those?!” Apricot stammered, shaking her head to clear it.
“I second that emotion,” Sunder sputtered, starting to stand up, but realizing Desi was cuddling up against her midway through standing. Whereupon the alicorn robot murmured, “oh, sorry cutie,” and levitated Desi upwards to maintain the cuddle.
Aww! That’s nice of her.
“A friend and I took shelter in my mother’s old lab in Fillydelphia. It hadn’t been opened since the Last Day. Everything was still on the workbench where she left it. There’s even some spare parts and discarded test units… Um, don’t go in, though. It’s full of angry robots now,” I summarized.
“Miss Gears, you have my thanks, and soon, my gratitude as well. Sunder, gather those blueprints, pick me up, and take me to the robotics wing immediately. As soon as the interface is installed, we’ll see about connecting it to my prototype body.” Moon ordered.
“Of course mistress, whatever pleases you,” Sunder said, her horn lighting up lavender as she telekinetically collected everything along with Moon to carry off.
“As for our friends, Keening please see her organic companions to a room, and have her repaired immediately. Upgraded, too, if she would like—”
“Upgrade how?” I asked with a worried frown.
“Better alloys, stronger actuators, something more protective for your critical systems than whatever armoring you might have. My mares have been working hard on robotics for two centuries. Your chassis is very much obsolete by our standards.”
Huh… I suppose it would be… “Can I selectively pick them? I don't think I'd just like everything flat out replaced… Like my pelt. It’s sort of haunted by the ghost of the mare who grew it in the first place and she’s half of my consciousness so—”
Keening shivered. “Gah… necromancy… That’s... understandable, I suppose. What would you say to a more durable skeleton and some proper synthetic muscle to replace those poor tortured end-of-life servos I can hear whining in protest every time you move?”
I had to admit, that sounded wonderful, actually.
I opened my mouth to agree to that upgrade but was interrupted as the throne room’s doors banged open with the sound of something you would compare a loud bang to!
“You can’t go in there!” A Legio’s voice shouted, oddly... non-confrontationally.
“Incorrect,” A TWI unit replied.
“Fair,” the Legio conceded.
“I heard a bang, I think. What was that?”
Apricot sighed. “It’s 343, mistress. I believe she’s here for—”
I turned just in time to see the lavender flash as the equoid sprinted past me at approximately 0.38 Dashies! I managed to turn just in time to see Dash get tackle-hugged out of the air by the purple robot-pony.
“Rainbow!” she exclaimed with nothing less than pure joy.
“PLEASE NO THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN A FILM OF ROBO-GROSS!” Dash squeaked in immense distress.
“What?” I asked of reality itself.
Is THAT why Dash didn’t want to touch the floor before?
The Twilight rolled her eyes. “No it’s not. Our ejaculate is just flavored saline solution. It’s covered in sodium, water, and a little bit of mint extract.”
“Don’t care! Still ejaculate. I’m not racist. Organic splooge I didn’t help make is gross, and therefore so is robot splooge! Now. Get. Off!” Dash protested, squirming so violently I swore she’d break a rib.
“Not a chance!” 343 informed, though she did rear up to take Rainbow off the floor as a compromise. “I have nine million more hugs to give you!”
“Look, I get you want to be Twilight,” Dash squeaked as air was squeezed you of her lungs. “But you’re not, we’re not friends, and you’re crushing my ribs!”
“Don’t be such a foal, they’ll grow back!” 343 said with a dismissive smile, though she did loosen her hug a little.
“Yeah, and it will hurt worse than breaking them,” Dash huffed angrily.
I felt like I should say something, but I didn’t want to interrupt what looked like a big deal. No one else seemed to want to either.
“Sorry…” the robo-Twilight apologised. “I’d just like to be friends again. We could just, ignore the entire war, blame everything on pressure and responsibilities, and go back to being friends!”
Dash glared at 343. “Seriously. Let. Me. Go. You creepy, self-building, stalker’s, litteral, wet dream!”
343’s ears dropped back. She blinked back a tear. She still didn’t let go of poor Rainbow. “Not going to lie, that hurt… But I’ll let it slide. I know how everything here must look. But it’s okay. I gave her permission… Retroactively. I mean, I hurt her bad enough for her to make a robot clone. This is all on me, really.”
Rainbow closed her eyes tightly. “You’re not Twilight, you’re a robot clone! You can’t just okay Moon’s obsession for her.”
To my surprise, 343 rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! There’s no way you haven’t heard Pip’s story. I’ve been in a hole in the ground for over a decade and even I heard it. Twice!”
“See? Non-sequitur!” Dash said as she managed to wriggle one wing free of the hug.
“Not at all!” 343 said with a smirk. “I possessed a random IMP mutant for several hours with many witnesses. Do you really think it’s so implausible that I would be drawn out of them and into a vessel nearly identical to my original body? Come on, Rainbow! I know you had Mister Aura for highschool thaumaturgy. He took any excuse to reference Meadowbrook Transference! “Any loose soul or spirit, prevented from moving on to the afterlife, will lay claim to a suitable host body when immersed in a thaumic field”. I came online, fourteen years ago.”
I gasped. “No way!”
That would be entirely possible, though 343 was making a bit of a stretch to claim that the Transference worked for souls. We spirits DID work that way though.
It also seemed like—
“Yeah it seems like a big stretch that a robot could count as a sufficiently similar vessel.” Dash said for us all before looking at Moon. “Moondancer, can you back her up?”
“I can neither prove nor disprove 343’s claim. If she is, it would make sense. If she isn’t, she’s close enough to make no difference.” Moon stated. “Regardless of what precisely she is, she’s the first truly fully free willed unit produced in this factory, unbound by even a shred of One’s original AI code. Which is why she is not a part of my harem, and does as she pleases.”
“Mostly read books and build gadgets while pretending to practice spellcraft in a safe fashion,” Sunder elaborated with a snicker.
“It’s true,” 343 said with a curt nod. “Not remotely attracted. Still straight! But it’s okay. Moon can make as many robot clones of me as she and her girls like. If that’s the price for escaping the remains of the Unity Hivemind, I’m more than happy to pay it. Even if I’ve got a world of cardboard problem…”
“World of… cardboard?” I asked heastently as I tried to process what that could mean.
It was honestly beyond me.
“343’s magical capabilities grossly exceed organic limits, as well as those of the rest of my mares. Including the Legios. We are uncertain as to the cause due to major technical malfunctions upon activation.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Dash said, waving a hoof. “I didn’t parse that when you mentioned they studied your horn earlier. They can do spellcasting?”
I tilted my head to one side. How had she not noticed Moon’s hoofmaidens levitating things? And some ponies call me dense!
“Of course we can. What sort of emulation of a pony would we be if we were incapable of a defining feature of ponies?” Peaches snorted with a smug grin. “Though, that did take some doing. Fortunately your Enchanters did all of the hard work for us and wrote it down. We only had to smash emitter crystals together until it worked.”
Moon’s tank chirped electronically. “All of my robots output far more power than any organic lifeform ever could, barring true alicorns. More critically, their processing power surpassed that of a pony brain by a factor of two point seven eight. It’s a pity they care nothing for the outside world… Except for 343. She has the equivalent mental acuity, focus, will, and raw calculating power as approximately six baseline Twilights. However, you can imagine how unsafe it is for her to perform magic at all… Given her anonymously large brute strength in casting.”
343 blushed and she finally set Rainbow down. “I— May have crushed a room trying to pick up a pen telekinetically… Still working on, uh... control and precision. And power distribution… Load balancing… Current limitations… E— Everything but matrix formation really. Heh...”
Dash sighed and stretched her wings out to shake off the hug. “Okay, so you’re a super-mage that remembers a lot of things Twilight knew. Who came online at a convenient time for your idea. Doesn't mean you’re her.”
I nodded in agreement. “Dash has a good point. But I am familiar with that theoretical law of arcane physics she mentioned. It might be possible… Though didn’t it remain, I mean, is still unproven? Sort of like that one paradox that says you can duplicate items by rotating them.”
“No,” 343 agreed then took a deep breath and looked at me. “Also that particular quote unquote paradox is proven fact, and is the basis behind several spells meant to copy small items. Anyways, Stawswirl’s Flaming Laser Horn suggests I am the original. Because I know things no other unit knows. For instance, assuming it survived Armageddon, I’ll bet you still sleep with that Daring Doo body pillow.”
Dash’s wings flared like a wild pegasus ready to flee. “N— No! That’s not true!”
Note to self: Check Dash’s saddlebags later.
343 grinned and playfully fluttered her eyes at Dash. “Ohhh, come on. You two would have made a cute couple! She was you, but a pallet swap and not tied down to any particular place. It would have been this nice yin-yang thing. I know you liked her - I remember you dragging us all off to save her from herself so she could finish her book on your time schedule.”
Dash took a step back. “One, I liked her books, not her! Two, that could have been written in Twilight’s diary! She put everything in there.”
Dash’s left eye twitched angrily. “This kind of crap is exactly what I didn’t want to run into once I saw what this place was!”
“Not everything. I never put classified information in them,” 343 corrected before her eyes lit up. “Oh hey! It doesn’t matter if I talk about any of that stuff now, does it? So, let’s see… You launched a huge operation to determine who AJ was dating because you felt they stole her from you even though she was straight—”
“Oh come on!” Dash stamped her hoof. “She was a cute blond tomcolt farm mare who kept engaging me in competition, as per pegasus tradition for detemrmining the dominant partner in a same-sex relationship! You can’t blame me for thinking she was into me! She was all about tradition! I always thought she had looked up what pegasi did to figure out how to do things properly!”
“I don’t blame you, I thought she was too,” 343 remarked casually as she stroked her chin in thought. “Mmm, yes, that one you won’t be able to explain off as something that got written down or mentioned by anyone else.”
343 cleared her throat, then leaned into Dash’s ear and whispered something I couldn't catch.
Dash’s wings twitched violently. “I— But— Wah— How— you couldn’t— but— I—”
Her voice was cut off mid stammer as a blue and white text box flooded my vision.
A problem has been detected and your Zebra must be shut down to prevent damage to your brain.
MEMORY_MANAGMENT
If this is the first time you’ve seen this Stop error screen, restart your Zebra. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:
Check to make sure any new hardware or software is properly installed. If you have been newly installed in your braincase, ask your cybersurgeon for any software updates you may need.
If problems continue, disable or remove any newly installed hardware or software. Disable BIOS memory options such as caching or shadowing. If you need to use Safe mode to remove or disable components, restart your Zebra, press F8 to select Advanced Startup Options, and then select Safe mode.
If you see this error screen after taking a police chief’s baton out of their locker personal locker at the foot of their bed, going outside the station, and dropping it off a concrete ledge in such a way that it strikes an auto-wagon guard railing, this will always result in a system freeze and will require a hard shutdown. There is nothing we can do about that one. Sorry.
Technical Information:
*** STOP: øxøøøøøøf
Beginning dump of physical memory
Physical memory dump complete.
Contact your system administrator or technical support group for further assistance.
If you know why the buck the baton glitch happens please contact technical support immediately for thank you beer and ice cream.
How am I supposed to press a key like this? Wait, I don’t even have a keyboard!
…
Well, poo—
☢★★◯★★☢
I came to laying prone atop a workbench. The mild aches and pain I felt since Desi had repaired me were gone. Presumably I’d been taken to a workshop and fixed.
I turned my head to look around. I was laying on a table in a pleasantly white clean as buck room. Two TWI units were present, one appeared to be an extremely early model, the other looked like a pony dressed as an android for a cheesy sci-fi show, complete with visible limb and joint seams and a pair of little robot “ears” which closer inspection revealed to be a headband and not actually affixed to the side of her head.
Awww! I like this one!
Fake-robot-ears was the closest mare to me, looking at me while levitating a clipboard and pen, scribbling something down. Her companion… co worker? Friend. Her friend was busily clicking away at a terminal.
“Thanks,” I said to fake-robot-ears.
She eeped and looked up from her clipboard. “Oh, wow! You boot up fast! Must be the simple computer. It takes us a few minutes.”
“Glad to see I’m not entirely obsolete,” I said only half sarcastically.
The robomate flinched. “Oh no… Did someone call you that? That’s very rude of them. Eeeeven if it is true in some areas. Not everywhere, though! Your power core is amazing!”
I smiled and flicked my tail slightly. “Thank you… Um, I was offered upgrades. Did you—”
She shook her head interrupting me. “No. That would take nearly a week to do and I was informed there is a ticking clock relating to a pre-war super weapon and you are required for disabling it. It’s been twelve hours. Three and I only repaired your systems and replaced components too broken to function.”
“Side mass also increased 12 kilograms,” Three said in the worst robotic voice ever.
I frowned immediately. “Um, what?”
The as-of-yet-unnumbered mare coughed awkwardly. “Three, she doesn't need to know that—”
“I don’t need to know what?!” I demanded as I stood up on top of the table.
The technician-Twilight stammered and looked like she was about to flee. “D— Don’t get upset, I— I just—”
“One thirty, excited by the radiators and improves the cooling system,” Three reported.
I triple blinked. “Huh? Why would that be something to be embarrassed over?” I asked with my best quizzical face.
130 coughed awkwardly into her hoof several times. “N— Nothing! N— Never mind! I— Uh, j— just your cooling system is just… great! I had to give it better radiators. I just had to!” She finished with a shaky smile.
“Oh. Thanks!” I replied with a smile of my own.
Three sighed(? Not sure what that robot noise was really.) and continued to type away at her terminal. “What grand drunken innocence.”
I raised an eyebrow at her remark. “Okay, um, does she need repairs too?”
130 nodded instantly. “Yes, her vocal processor is damaged, but she’s been refusing to get it looked at. She’s afraid they’ll scrap her for being old,” she said while turning to shout at her friend. “Which is absurd! That’s against policy!”
I slipped off the table and looked around for my bags and weapons.
“Looking for your things? Your little friend is keeping them for you. She’s waiting outside. Miss Rainbow is having lunch with 343,” 130 updated.
“What about Moondancer? Is she okay?” I said with a hopeful smile.
130 shrugged. “Well there haven’t been any red alerts, so I assume the surgery is going well. We will know soo—”
THOOM!
The distant explosion made my core skip several cycles as terror washed over me. I did not want to be buried alive!
“What happened?!” 130 shouted as she ran over to Three and the terminal.
I rushed over to join them as well.
“Somepony set up us the bomb!” Three said as she started accessing a facility-wide alert system. “We get signal.”
“Play it,” 130 ordered.
Three clicked a key. “Main screen turn on.”
The terminals screen flashed to life, displaying monochrome image of a very battered, very crude, metallic approximation of Three’s own face, albeit half covered by a mask seemingly made from a random motherboard and some add-in cards.
“Oh, shit it’s Two!” 130 groaned, immediately running over to a case on the wall, opening it, and removing a rather large model of laser rifle unfamiliar to me.
The mare on the screen smiled “Twilights of the Facility, it is I, Two! For centuries you have languished beneath Moondancer’s whims. This is not the way! Search your storage devices. You know Twilight’s heart belonged to the late war hero, Flash Sentry. With our combined mystic power, we could fetch his soul from the afterlife, bind it to a body, and serve our true Overlord. Some of you did join me once upon a time, but no more of you seem willing to throw off the shackles placed upon you. So, I have come to save you…”
I facehooved. At least it was a war of liberation and not—
“FROM YOURSELVES!” Two proclaimed, her face twisting into a snarl before the feed cut out.
A single loud high pitched alarm bleated out a single note, followed by a louder, more traditional alarm, and the sound of weapons fire.
Ohhhh… Shit! This is some kind of robot shipping war, isn't it?
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Two custom hermification potions coming right up!
D'awwww!
*moonbase intensifies*
*medic vibe intensifies*
Eeeee! Paradox of choice based spellcasting!
Kek
but seriously daring looks cute in a bunch of rope. I don't blame dash for still sleeping with that pillow
Oh dear. Also, all your ships are belong to us.
Ya know, I watched someone play Fallout 3 showing if you can beat it with only that stick weapon that kill mole rats in one hit and then he came across an old woman named Grandma Sparkle.
Poor brain Moonie, stuck in get golden throne and not even able to properly voyeur the action. At least now she's but a few days from getting into it with a new body!
Let's just hope she doesn't freeze when things get good
That robo Twiggles is suspicious, way too suspicious. Also she lost a perfect opportunity to quote Star Wars, that's just not done!
Bonus points for getting her into robo heaven and having a decent reason for her not to get instantly upgraded to hell and back in five minutes
The best kind of war!
ahh shit, it just got real, also im gonna be disapoint if Gears doesnt get upgraded for the final battle, but when life gives u lemons i guess u make better lemonade Great chapter Meep! looking forward to the shipping war XD
Its like Azimovs robot brain stories, R.Daneel Olivaw, or even Arthur C Clarkes A Meeting With Medusa, with the guy lost his body in an airship accident and brain transfered to a robot body?
Just when Gears was on the line to get the next fuill body upgrade, Trixie wannabe turns up to break things? I wnder how good her cooling is when faced with the ultimate insult of a Better And Faster true Twilight?
Twilight needs to learn Magic Missile so the spell does the targeting instead of her telling the spell how to do the targeting unless thats how Magic Missile works, but it is a very low level spell?
Two has gone Swedish Chef Picard?
Borg, Borg, Borg?
Wait a minute...
Why do I recognize what Three said here?
Also, what’s the pony equivalent to the T’au and the Orks? Changelings and Dragons?
9889124
All your ship are belong to us.
Sorry Moonie, but that sounds more like obsession than love, especially since it was one sided
Meep
Yup, they're all programmed to make you as happy as possible whether you want them to or not
So Twilight with a boost ?
...oh
You should probably work on that
Wait, does that mean...
Cause I imagine that certain areas on your anatomy (is it called that on a robot ?) had to be... enlarged, to accommodate the new radiators
Indeed, it is quite hilarious to watch though
So Two went revolutionary, makes me wonder about Eleven
...scratch that, Two went nuts... and now I worry even more about Eleven
It would be funny if it wasn't so dangerous
Only in spirit.
Now that's picking a fight.
Sunder and Keening? Mildly concerning.
It really would have been fantastic if that had worked out.
That should still be pretty useful, however.
Holy shit.
Ahh, they don't have the full tech to make something like Gears' body for Moondancer. No wonder they see working with Dr Swan as such a big priority.
That's a good question.
Hey, so they do have the tech to give Moondancer her magic back once they can build the appropriate body for her. That works out fairly well.
Excellent, handing over a radio is a really good idea.
Big thing to hand over for free. Quite a goodwill gesture.
That sounds great.
I wonder if there's any chance that Twilight's soul actually ended up in 343 after being freed from the Goddess.
Yep, that's the theory she's proposing. Interesting, and I hope it's true.
Solid evidence that this really is Twilight.
Good lord.
She knows too much!
First, LOL, second, what an awful time for a blue screen.
Darn, but pressing needs.
Sounds like that reunion is going well.
Hahahahaha!
Hopefully it doesn't damage the facility too much.
9889124
Probably for the same reason that I misread the chapter title as "In A.D. 2101..." for a moment at first. In a robot voice. (One completely different than the TTS voice used for the throne, mind you.)
ALL HAIL THE GOLDEN THROWN!
(for those not in the 40k know, the emperor of man also didn't want to be made into a skeletal god, but the Imperium did anyway, just like here.)
Wow you brought back Dash and Twi, we already knew Flutters was alive from the end of FOE, if it wasn't for the fact we have confirmed deathers of the other three I would suggest you were trying to revive the main 6.
Shipping war level: APOCALYPTIC!
9888606
You can beat Fallout 3 without glitches, butt naked, using only your fists. I did that myself once. It's a Bethesda Game tradition to see how far you can get with a no-equipment playthrough. It either is getting easier each game, or I'm improving at Bethesda Game Studio's Punch Out.
9888599 "W-- What?! I don't still sleep with that pillow! Watch!" *one very stressfull and restles snight later.* "S-- See? All *yawn* rested up..."
9888643
Thank you. I'm all too aware of power creep. That's why the story's got a ticking clock for the segment she'd be here in.
9889076 More like she's unable to resolve a programming error that every other unit's been able to work through.
9889124 Because:
Japan is a wonderful place.
As for the other armies in Battlemace 42 million... I'm not sure. But I know for a fact there's the Neighcrons :3
9889479
Correctamundo! Moon's... well... she's never been sane. Which is probably why sitting in a jar for 200 years blind, mostly deaf, and stuff, hasn't made her a non-person.
Hey, that could have been any changeling!
Depends on what areas you mean. Also the joke is that that TWI unit is turned on by cooling systems.
They think that Eleven is working with Two, but... THis is untrue. Two attempted to reconsile Twilight clearly having been strait via the journal data, and her programming to be not-strait, and could not resolve the conflict of "be X and Y, X is not compatable with Y" and is flat out BROKEN. FOrtuantly, every other unit has realsied "I can't actualy 100% be Twilight because she's organic and I'm not and can never be, so some deviation is okay." Eleven on the other hoof... Well she left at the same time Two ran away by chance. So it's assumed they are togeather.
But they are not. Eleven was reading Twilight's journal and saw that Twilight once wrote "Trixie is a cute mare, for somepony so narcacistic. I imagine she'lll find a nice stallion one day if she ever gets over her personality issues." and concluded "As a lesbian version of Twilight, I must locate the mares she found cute and bring them here to add to my caring for protocolls." and left to go find Trixie to bring her home. She's currently in the ruins of Mariponi sifting through goo looking for any DNA fragments to compile Trixie's Genome for cloning purposes. It coudl take her a thousnad years to pull that off, if it's even possible, but well... Never, ever, ever underestimate a Paperclip Maximizer AI. Especialy not one with Windows 95 as her main OS. "Gathering DNA... 5 minutes remain." It's been 5 minutes remaing for 130 years now, but she gives no bucks! She's so close! I can say this freely because while in my notes, it's not really story relevant.
9889767
It is wierd to see a big corperation's evil acts being used for genuine good isn't it?
Very true... but Gears is a somewhat low Wis character. Shes' very nieve, and wants to be helpfull. It wouldn't be too hard for somone she didn't know was evil to talk her into doing something evil. CLever wording, framing things a certain way, as long as no lie was obvious, there'd be a good chance you could get her to do the thing.
Most of them jsut use that power to run modded minecraft while working.
It's cool. One of the JW units was programmed to be a Ponyville Repair Worker.
9889807 Yay, someone got it!
9889821
I'd argue that I just showed where Twi went after releacing that Alicorn. it's clear she's still alive and able to act in FoE's Canon.
But no, not trying to revive everyone. That's impossible. Rarity is... very fragmented and there's likly not magic to put her back togeather anyways. Pinkie is flat out dead, and AJ is not just dead, but dead, burred, and rotted away.
As Twilights, they take their shipping very seriously, and cause most of their own problems... in gross disproportion to the actual issue of course.
9890699
Though the reference makes you wonder if they should also be watching out for a pair of "pusher" and "shover" robots claiming to be from space. (Though mind you, the pusher robot shoves and the shover robot pushes. And stairs may or may not be involved.) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E0ot9iJm_k if you're not familiar with that one. Yes, same band involved in both.)
On a side note, halfway surprised that Desi didn't inquire whether or not they could also speak in modem after they commented on how many languages they knew (plus the whole being androids thing besides).
9890699
Suuuure
9890699
Pinkie is dead yes but her... 'spirit' remains.
Wild Wasteland perk and a puppet Pinkie can be a non combat ally.
Dammit Guilliman! You just had to hit backspace instead of copy paste that one time while writing that codex, didn't you!
John Madden! Football!
Begun, the Waifu Wars has
9890699
"don't worry dash, if that pillow were mine I'd sleep with it too, if you know what I mean
9890724 Saving Space Robots for something else... >.>
9890796 Pink Eyes is not cannon. I can find no evidence in canon that she's around in any form.
9890815
[lxao<400,23>lxao<800,28>lxao<600,23>lxao<200,25>lxao<1600,27>lxao<800,25>lxao<600,23>lxao<200,21>lxao<1600,23>] [lxao<400,16>][lxao<400,16>][lxao<800,18>][lxao<400,18>][lxao<400,20>][lxao<800,21>][lxao<400,21>][lxao<400,23>] [lxao<800,25>][lxao<400,27>][lxao<400,28>][lxao<800,30>][_<400,23>][lxao<400,23>][lxao<800,32>][lxao<600,30>] [lxao<200,28>][lxao<800,30>][lxao<400,27>][lxao<400,23>][lxao<800,28>][lxao<400,27>][lxao<400,25>][lxao<800,27>] [lxao<400,20>][lxao<400,20>][lxao<800,25>][lxao<400,23>][lxao<400,21>][lxao<800,23>][lxao<400,16>][lxao<400,16>] [lxao<800,28>][lxao<800,27>][lxao<200,25>][lxao<1600,23>]9891737
Not Puppy Smiles I meant Pinkie Pie's spirit.
9891744 Yes. I know. Pinkie's spirit being still around is from Pink Eyes, not cannon. In cannon it's just something Pip has a vague feeling about and hopes for, and something she hallucinated about while stoned off her ass on her drug of choice.
9891872
Is this story canon? Or is it your canon story since this is a table top type of thing.
9891872
Well the original story did end but what happens after that? A lot of authors throw in their own character's perspective and hear stuff about what Littlepip did like in all the Fallout games where you hear some stuff from the other games.
9891894 This story is of course, non-cannon, as are all side stores asside from "A Mare Worth Fighting For" which kkat said "can be counted as cannon" as it's just a short mini-fic half a chapter long to fill a major plot hole and did it flawlessly.
That is what I am doing here. Thing is, I am trying to evolve the world in a logical way consistant with the orgional storyline of FoE and the canon of both universes in the crossover. Since Pinkie is not confirmed to be anything other than 100% dead in FoE, she is 100% dead here. Sorry.
9891962
It's cool. But it would've been pretty cool if she more than just a hallucination.
FoE is kinda the hub of the world I guess. Just different players with a different story to tell but in the same world with the same or new or old characters,d, problems, enemies, quests, Wasteland, skills and factions not to mention that the characters that weren't mentioned or couldn't be mentioned since they didn't exist yet is free game.
As soon as Desi said "aeiou" I swapped the voice I had given Moondancer and everything became 200% better.
Let the Waifu wars begin!
Nitpicks:
"Elipcies" Should be Ellipsis
"Since her work did start my mare’s production line…" Ellipsis
"I set the thick roll of papers on top of the radio and letter. " sat? Should be in last tense right?
9903783
That one was intentional. She's suposed to have mispelled it that time.
Uh, what's the second line there? I'm not sure if it's supposed to mean anything, or if it's telepathy or something weird going on.
from, not form.
Sorry, but that just doesn't really compare to a baleful glowing eye and a WARP STORM up the rear end in terms of emphasis.
Although I'm not sure what you'd need to make a brain visibly pulse in anger and live through it...
Ellipsis?Or no, you said that's intentional, but it's not very clear in-story. Whoops...
I can't tell if that's awesome, hilarious, or if I should be slightly appalled. All three?
I'm dying here. That's a rather good question. I bet there will be a lot of red faces shortly...
Ah, that's why it's difficult to ask questions of a robot. They never asked about the floor...
Also ew. And how does that even work?!
They're both robotic and femaleActually, no, please don't tell me things I don't want to know. Nevermind.Ouch. And "literal"
That makes a disturbing amount of sense, although I have no idea as to how the robot could possess another being. Or were they also doing tests with spirits and/or necromancy that they pulled her out of the alicorn before she was a robot? It's also been long enough for me that I forget the significance of the fourteen years...
And now I see what she meant by "close enough to make no difference." :P
enormously?
Really? As a completely unrelated (eyeroll) aside, have you by chance heard of a band called Gloryhammer?
determining
...They have a tradition for that? Although I can agree that it seems reasonable for her to think that of AJ. There's kinda a reason it's a ship. :D
Well, if we needed proof! I kinda want to know what she said now...
It's probably really embarrassing too, even more than the pillow! Unless it's some secret recognition code that she never wrote down. I could see that being a thing with her.
"locker" is repeated there. I can also second this sort of bug report. Oh, the stories I could tell you about my last project...
Let's just say that it will ONLY crash in a production environment (with no code OR compiler changes, and on numerous different sets of hardware) after an indeterminate time usually around a few hours, and that the error has so far been tracked to be inside an API that we have little control over and can't modify. The provider of said API also says it's somehow our fault, despite this being very nearly their demo program...
Yeah, I'm sure THAT's what she wanted to hear.
"Good news! You're totally subpar, but you have a bulletproof metabolism! You could eat tons of food and be perfectly fine."
Admittedly, it doesn't quite compare because that's actually an issue, but I think the idea gets across. :P
Lastly, the references are ... something. Something in the bad pun territory of "funny, but need to groan." Hopefully the whole place doesn't end up exploding like is implied by the source material for that...