“You want me to do… what again, Your Majesty?”
Princess Luna of the Moon pawed at the ground. “I mean… if it’s not too much to ask, Doctor Orange Juice.”
“If it’s too…” The old doctor was flabbergasted. “Why in your sister’s name would you want me to do this?! You know that I cannot knowingly make a false diagnosis. I mean, I have built up Celestia’s trust when it comes to her health in the time that I was appointed for the job.”
With a knowing but mischievous smile, Luna replied. “Yes, but that’s why you are perfect for this prank.”
The orange unicorn shook his head in disbelief. “But I cannot accept such a thing! In my thirty years of being your sister’s personal doctor, I have never told her a lie about her health, no matter how hard it was to tell it. Really, Princess Luna, you ought to be ashamed for conceiving this idea.”
“Oh, what’s the worst is she going to do?”
“Gee, I don’t know,” he said sarcastically, “it’s not she’ll go into a deep depression or do something crazy if I told her that she was going to-” Before he could finish his sentence, Luna’s horn glowed for a brief moment before an envelope appeared in his hooves. Confused, he opened up the large yellow envelope in which his eyes widened. “What is this?”
“The start,” Luna replied. “Not only will I help double your salary out of my own purse; but with it comes a private cruise for you and your loved ones; a lifetime supply of ice cream cake; and an evening of having the single best, long-lasting wet dream in your life.”
Doctor Orange Juice blinked as he glanced between her and the envelope. “So, you’ve resorted to bribing me.”
“Pretty much.”
There was a moment of silence between the two. Lighting up his horn, the doctor closed the envelope and gently placed it on his back.
“So… What do you mind?”
Luna grinned wide.
Twice a year, Princess Celestia has a physical from her personal doctor. Even though some would say that this was a little pointless for the Sun Princess to be checked for blood pressure, weight, heart rate, or peeing in a cup – it was, in fact, necessary as that even Celestia has on rare occasion have fallen ill over the centuries. The tests that Doctor Orange usually performed on the Princess were more to see if there were any foreseeable symptoms such as a cold or a fever.
This time, while the doctor did go through the routine of checking her temperature and looking down her throat, he made sure that Celestia saw that with each test he ran, that he made himself look increasingly worried. Eventually, as he was testing her blood pressure, she asked him, “Is something wrong?”
“I uh… I’m not sure yet.” He said vaguely. “There is… something… only I don’t quite know what it all means yet.”
“Are you saying that I’m going to sick again?”
“Again, I need to do all the tests to see for sure.”
Not only did the Doctor do their usual tests, but a few others as well such as a blood test, an X-Ray and an MRI as well. Eventually, after all the experiments were carried out, he excused himself from Celestia, leaving her alone in the infirmary of the Palace. The unicorn walked into his office where Princess Luna was waiting.
“I hope you are absolutely sure that you want me doing this.”
The dark alicorn let out a Cheshire grin. “Oh, I can assure you, I do want this to go through.”
With a deadpan expression, he asked: “You do realize this is technically treason, right?”
Luna waved a dismissive hoof. “Oh don’t worry, even if the joke goes too far, I’ll not only end it, but I’ll take full responsibility for it. I know what I’m doing.”
“I certainly hope so.” He muttered as he jotted a few lies in his diagnosis on the clipboard. “So, before I go and commit social suicide, how long do you want to have this joke go?”
“For eight days exactly. Should be more than enough time to have her do something interesting.”
With a sigh, he wrote down the number. He returned towards the examination room in which Celestia sat, patiently waiting. The old Doctor put on a regrettable, grim face as he entered.
“Doctor Orange?” The Solar Royal asked with concerned. “What is it?”
Closing the door behind him, he shook his head. “Princess Celestia…” He walked up to her and, without warning, hugged her. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”
“Well, I’m not aware of what there’s to be sorry about. What did the tests say?”
A sigh escaped his muzzle. “Princess… I… I don’t fully know how to say this?”
“That serious?” He nodded. “Well, what is it?”
Pulling himself away, he lit his horn to lift up his diagnosis. “From the tests I’ve carried out, there has been a spike in white blood cells, along with the scans from your brain… I uh… I’m afraid that you’re reaching the final stages of Mendacium.”
Celestia tilted her head. “I don’t think I’ve heard of that before.”
“That’s because it’s a rare form of…” he cleared his throat. “Brain cancer.”
There was a very uncomfortable pause between doctor and patient as the information began to sink in.
“What do you mean?” Celestia questioned rather quietly. “I don’t recall having any headaches or-”
“That’s why it’s difficult to detect.” He said. “It slowly grows in you in which, in the beginning, nopony could detect that it’s even there until it’s too late. There’s no cure for it as it eats away at your pineal gland. There’s no treatment either.”
Another pause.
“Are you…” The Princess started. “Are you saying that I’m going to…” He nodded grimly. “But… But I’m immortal. I can’t die.”
“From what I’ve found.” He replied, flipping through his clipboard. “At least, from what I’m able to detect, it looks like your body is starting to gradually shut down. This… This is a horrific disease in which, in plain Equestrian, will weaken you bit by bit until the last thing to go is your mind. It saddens me to have to tell you…” His face lowered towards the floor. “There’s nothing any of us can do. I’m sorry.”
Celestia, like a pony who had lived long enough to see empires rise and fall, fought personal wars with Equestria’s villains and seen plenty of strange things… remained motionless for a very long moment. Then quietly, she asked, “How… How long do I…?”
“About eight days from now…” He put the clipboard aside on a counter. “Celestia… I’m sorry for telling you this. But I couldn’t hide this from you.”
“I… understand.” She suddenly got up, her expression was unreadable. “I’ll just… go and do… something…” Celestia walked out of the infirmary.
Doctor Orange returned to his office to find a chuckling Luna there. “I hope you’re happy, Your Majesty.” He said in a stern expression.
“Oh quite. Did you tell her?” He nodded. “How did she react?”
“Remarkably well… I think. She didn’t show much emotion but I think she’s in pure sho-”
“WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME!”
Everypony in the castle’s ears were ringing from the Canterlot Wail of Princess Celestia.
By the end of the evening, fifty-seven pints of Prench vanilla ice-cream, twenty-two cakes of various kinds, five gallons of noodle soup, three large barrels of red wine and two-thousand-seven-hundred-and-fourteen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies were delivered to Celestia’s chambers. Even if the palace staff didn’t have a clue what was going on, they were trembling because, according to legend, the last time the Solar Princess had gone into a grieving, eating binge was after she banished her sister to the moon.
Luna journeyed up the spiral staircase towards her sister’s chambers in which part of her did feel guilty for having to make her cry. As she went up, the wailing became clearer and sobbing became sharper as she neared her doors. On the other, she knew that this was the precise time for her to go into phase two of her ultimate practical joke. She trotted up the steps until she came up to the golden double doors of Celestia’s chambers in which two faithful Solar Guards stood at attention. A salute from them later, she went up to knock on the double doors.
“Sister? It’s Luna, is everything alright in there?”
But while the crying continued, the golden aura opened the door for her. Inside her sister’s gilded bedchambers was something that was between a battlefield and a landfill. Luna had to resort to flying as the floor was decorated in the palace’s supply of fine china, kitchen trays of unfinished sweets, cookies, melted ice cream, barely touched wine, pots of soup, empty cake trays and there, upon her bed was the bawling mess of Celestia herself. She was less in the same state as her room – puffy red eyes, cheeks stained with tears, and a mane that looks deflated from her regal splendor. In fact, she had not her crown, nor her golden boots, or anything else on her as she lay there upon a mound of pillows and blankets.
“So, I take it that I’ve missed something important,” Luna asked as she landed in front of her older sister.
Without warning, Celestia hugged her tightly. “Lu-u-u-u-o-o-u-n-n-a!” She hysterically hiccuped. “I-I-IT-T’S-S A-AWL-F-F-UL!”
Luna waved her forelegs around, trying to signal to her that she’d like to have oxygen in her lungs before she passed out. Fortunately, the elder, sobbing sibling did notice this and released her before plunging her face into a tub of ice cream.
“Calm thy- I mean, calm yourself. What has gotten you in such a distraught state?”
The white alicorn with banana caramel dripping from her muzzle. “I’m done for.”
“What are you talking about?” Luna sat down. “What happened?”
With a sniff, Celestia began. “Well I… I had m-my physical. And Doctor Orange found out that I…” She busted into tears as her sibling patted her on the back, waiting for her to continue. “And found out… I don’t have much time to live anymore.”
“What?”
“I’m dying, Luna.” She stated. “I’m a dead mare walking. About to kick the bucket. Fill in whatever death metaphor here. The point is that I have brain cancer, and I’m going to die in eight days.”
Luna blinked in that awkward silence. “You do know you’re immortal, right?”
“I thought so too!” Celestia exclaimed. “But Doctor Orange told me that there is no cure for what I have. And the worst thing is that it’s in my brain! This means that I can’t exactly heal myself, nor anyone else can. There is nothing out there to help me, Luna! I have no hope of surviving this. I’m going to die and there’s nothing I can do.” She hugged her sister again, but this time loosened up her death grip. “Oh, I’m so scared, Luna.”
While her older sister clangs onto her, Luna decided that now was the time to spring her plan into action. “Cel, before I say anything, this is indeed an extremely unfortunate event to occur. It is heartbreaking, no doubt about it. And I do feel empathy for finding out something so horrific. But at the same time… you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
This got a reaction from Celestia. “What?!”
“I mean, here you are, finding out that you have about a week to live and what are you doing with it? You lock yourself here, stuffing your face in and cry? I get that this is a major shock, but is this honestly how you want to spend your remaining days? You are Celestia for crying out loud! The sister I know wouldn’t confine herself like a coward. She would go out to take life by the hoof until the last moment!”
It was when she said these words that something rather interesting happened. Celestia did stop crying as she bolted upright. “Mother of me… You’re right.”
Luna smiled. “You see, that’s the Ce-”
“I never really lived at all.” She interrupted with a realization. “I mean… what have I been doing with my life? Grant it, I may be a Princess that has watched over generations of ponies and their ancestors, but what have I done with my life really?”
“Sister? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you see Luna? Ever since we’ve been born, all we have been doing is just obeying a schedule. Wake up at this time. Raise the sun. Have this meal on this date. Organize a Gala. Raise funds for the Royal Guard. Sign peace treaties. Settle trade disputes. Listen to mindless ponies complain over things that they could have solved themselves. Smile for the camera. Wave for the crowd. Make a speech. Read a Friendship Report. Lower the sun. Go to bed to start all over again. That’s not life – that’s the function of a machine. A mindless, friendly using, easy to operate, works for everypony but themselves, machines. And I have been doing just that for centuries! By our mother, that’s not life at all.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “If your duties are not the definition of life, what is?”
“What is it?” Celestia stood up. “It’s something that we never had. I mean… when’s the last time you’ve been given a meal and not know in advance what it’s going to be – or it’ll be a bad one at that? When’s the last time you’ve got yourself arrested for something minor? When’s the last time you’ve done something reckless but exciting? Or that you just act silly for the sake of a joke? Or go out on a date with somepony that has nothing to do with the future of the nation? Or indulged in something until you throw up? Or take part in a role-playing game? Or hoof-wrestled with someone that could defeat you? Or even gotten lai-”
“What are you implying?” Her younger sister interrupted her train of thought.
Taking in a deep breath to organize her thoughts and distill them into something more coherent, she replied. “Life is about taking a gamble with everything you do. Sure, there are risks in which you may suffer, but there’s just as much of a chance you will enjoy something that will stay with you for the rest of your life – all because you took that leap of faith to jump in. That’s something our citizens have always have, but this incredible gift is denied to us by mere birthright. A long time ago, we’ve given up life so that they may live theirs. But now that I don’t have that much time, I’ve only come to realize this. They say an unexamined life is not worth living, and I’ve just grasped that I was never given real free agency to discover what I’ve been missing all this time.”
Luna blinked. “So… What exactly are you planning on doing?”
Pushing the dirty dishes aside to clear a path to her desk, she took out a quill and parchment. “What I should have done from the very start. I’m going to spend my final days living. But first, I just need to figure out what I want to do with it.”
Who says that when Celestia gets laid with a random royal guard/stallion orgy she winds up pregnant as a result when the joke ends?
Luna is so dead.
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Oh I so see consequences at the end of this
After reading I don't think Luna will end up on the moon nor will she suffer in Tartarus. Celestia will figure out something more severe. 😂
Oh I am so reading this. I even came close to doing this idea myself. If you need crazy ideas for what happens can we suggest?
Luna. You're going to the sun for this.
This is beyond a prank. This is cruelty.
This isn't a prank, this is blatant cruelty at its worst. I hope that this backfires on Luna horrendously. If it does I have ZERO sympathy for her. Poor Celestia.
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Oh justice will be served, but I don't want to ruin the punchline just yet.
a small part of me feels the doctor clued Celestia in on Luna's thing and that she's just going along with it
Ye gods, that's a fucked up 'joke.'
Really curious where you're going with this and just what Celestia's reactions will be... but it does seem like more something Discord at his dickiest and least concerned with consequences would dream up, not the Princess of Guilt Complexes Luna.
I love you Luna, but that's a step a little too far. You should enjoy you last days as well.... cause when Celestia finds out, Oh Celestia, there'll be trouble
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Now what did I say? Justice will be done.
Typo:
wail
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fixed and thanks.
I disagree with all the people saying this prank is terrible. Celestia has the worst life I could imagine for an immortal being. Head of state and always under scrutiny. She needs to live a little without fear of consequence.
A bucket list made because of a prank?
*grins in evilly stupid*
Proceed.
9240169 Well, that's what *I* might do... After all, it's become a habit.
This is fcked up! I love it!
Intriguing!
This is so effed up by Luna, but then again, she's rarely entirely sane. And to be honest, 'life worth living' revelation might do a lot of good to Celestia in a long run, and the rest of Equestria with her.
I really like the premise. It'd be good for Celestia to get out there and start living - consume an entire buffet, take a turn at an improv club, meet a special somepony, apologize to all those she's wronged, spill her deepest secrets. It was a good read. However, the story could use some editing and the first chapter felt rushed. But still coming back for the next chapter.
Dreadnought
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Is the punchline going to be that Celestia will actually turn out to have actual disease that would kill her when those 8 days are up?
Either that or Luna turns out to actually have something
THIS CAN ONLY END WELL
The doctor can wave his license goodbye though, not only did he lie to the head of state but he broke doctor patient confidentiality. the only place a doctor can actually get away with that BS is Scrubs.
I think Luna should say "I will take full responsibility" instead I will be "full responsible".
Other than that, a little bit more detail on their faces to indicate what the reader should should picture in their mind.
Otherwise, a good start.
This story is in and of itself an excellent idea, and it's simple premise has me giggling like an enamored teenager who's anticipating a date with their childhood crush. But, there are MULTIPLE grammatical errors, and typos. I'm not going to point them out because I don't care enough, and I'm too lazy, but I thought you should know. Can't wait for chapters to come!
9242498 That's the way these things tend to go
I agree Celestia does have the worst life, as an immortal myself I can sympathize that unless you do something with it, it's not life. however luna, your fucked
The moral of the story is always the same:
If you live as if you never die, you die while you have never lived.
This is an interesting start for the story. I'll be following this and I can't WAIT to see what Celestia does.
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Me too!
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more likely celestia is, and maybe luna with her 10 to one on the last day she does something legitmatly suicidal figuring 'eh ima die in a few hours anyway, whats the harm in cuting it a little short'
she wouldnt be the first who had done such a thing maybe literaly send herself to the sun, just to see how it feels to be one with the stellar mass she has sheperdad for so long.
This should be interesting
Welp, you weren't kidding with the info you gave me on this, this is going to be interesting... *begins stroking beard* and might not end well...
"I am afraid that you have Brain Cancer *suddenly pineapples* looks like you don't have Brain Cancer anymore" ASDF Movie
Ahem
About to buy the farm
About to go hooves up
Gonna take a dirt nap
Gonna push up daisies
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I'll think up more and get back to you
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Become one with the nature.
Fulfill the circle.
Buy my last real estate.
Asume horizontal position for the rest of time.
Finally get the amount of sleep i always needed.
performed, were
Canterlot
salute
I’m reading this story entirely too late, but even though it’s fallen out of relevance doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it!
I’m definitely enjoying it.