Princess Luna sets up the greatest prank in Equestrian history. She bribes her sister's most trusted doctor to tell Celestia that she has a few days to live. After finding this out, Celestia is determined to live life to the fullest.
Warning: The following story is currently unedited and contains dark humor, an odd set up for a practical joke among immortal Princesses, whom one of them will no doubt go crazy, random things before she thinks she "kicks the bucket."
It just might be the most ingenious prank that Princess Luna has ever conceived. A simple one at that. All she had to do was to bribe her sister's most trusted doctor to tell her that she's dying. With only about a week left, Celestia then decides that she will spend her last eight days doing the crazy, immature, random and funniest things that she could think of while preparing for her own funeral.
Princess Luna of the Moon pawed at the ground. “I mean… if it’s not too much to ask, Doctor Orange Juice.”
“If it’s too…” The old doctor was flabbergasted. “Why in your sister’s name would you want me to do this?! You know that I cannot knowingly make a false diagnosis. I mean, I have built up Celestia’s trust when it comes to her health in the time that I was appointed for the job.”
With a knowing but mischievous smile, Luna replied. “Yes, but that’s why you are perfect for this prank.”
The orange unicorn shook his head in disbelief. “But I cannot accept such a thing! In my thirty years of being your sister’s personal doctor, I have never told her a lie about her health, no matter how hard it was to tell it. Really, Princess Luna, you ought to be ashamed for conceiving this idea.”
“Oh, what’s the worst is she going to do?”
“Gee, I don’t know,” he said sarcastically, “it’s not she’ll go into a deep depression or do something crazy if I told her that she was going to-” Before he could finish his sentence, Luna’s horn glowed for a brief moment before an envelope appeared in his hooves. Confused, he opened up the large yellow envelope in which his eyes widened. “What is this?”
“The start,” Luna replied. “Not only will I help double your salary out of my own purse; but with it comes a private cruise for you and your loved ones; a lifetime supply of ice cream cake; and an evening of having the single best, long-lasting wet dream in your life.”
Doctor Orange Juice blinked as he glanced between her and the envelope. “So, you’ve resorted to bribing me.”
“Pretty much.”
There was a moment of silence between the two. Lighting up his horn, the doctor closed the envelope and gently placed it on his back.
“So… What do you mind?”
Luna grinned wide.
Twice a year, Princess Celestia has a physical from her personal doctor. Even though some would say that this was a little pointless for the Sun Princess to be checked for blood pressure, weight, heart rate, or peeing in a cup – it was, in fact, necessary as that even Celestia has on rare occasion have fallen ill over the centuries. The tests that Doctor Orange usually performed on the Princess were more to see if there were any foreseeable symptoms such as a cold or a fever.
This time, while the doctor did go through the routine of checking her temperature and looking down her throat, he made sure that Celestia saw that with each test he ran, that he made himself look increasingly worried. Eventually, as he was testing her blood pressure, she asked him, “Is something wrong?”
“I uh… I’m not sure yet.” He said vaguely. “There is… something… only I don’t quite know what it all means yet.”
“Are you saying that I’m going to sick again?”
“Again, I need to do all the tests to see for sure.”
Not only did the Doctor do their usual tests, but a few others as well such as a blood test, an X-Ray and an MRI as well. Eventually, after all the experiments were carried out, he excused himself from Celestia, leaving her alone in the infirmary of the Palace. The unicorn walked into his office where Princess Luna was waiting.
“I hope you are absolutely sure that you want me doing this.”
The dark alicorn let out a Cheshire grin. “Oh, I can assure you, I do want this to go through.”
With a deadpan expression, he asked: “You do realize this is technically treason, right?”
Luna waved a dismissive hoof. “Oh don’t worry, even if the joke goes too far, I’ll not only end it, but I’ll take full responsibility for it. I know what I’m doing.”
“I certainly hope so.” He muttered as he jotted a few lies in his diagnosis on the clipboard. “So, before I go and commit social suicide, how long do you want to have this joke go?”
“For eight days exactly. Should be more than enough time to have her do something interesting.”
With a sigh, he wrote down the number. He returned towards the examination room in which Celestia sat, patiently waiting. The old Doctor put on a regrettable, grim face as he entered.
“Doctor Orange?” The Solar Royal asked with concerned. “What is it?”
Closing the door behind him, he shook his head. “Princess Celestia…” He walked up to her and, without warning, hugged her. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”
“Well, I’m not aware of what there’s to be sorry about. What did the tests say?”
A sigh escaped his muzzle. “Princess… I… I don’t fully know how to say this?”
“That serious?” He nodded. “Well, what is it?”
Pulling himself away, he lit his horn to lift up his diagnosis. “From the tests I’ve carried out, there has been a spike in white blood cells, along with the scans from your brain… I uh… I’m afraid that you’re reaching the final stages of Mendacium.”
Celestia tilted her head. “I don’t think I’ve heard of that before.”
“That’s because it’s a rare form of…” he cleared his throat. “Brain cancer.”
There was a very uncomfortable pause between doctor and patient as the information began to sink in.
“What do you mean?” Celestia questioned rather quietly. “I don’t recall having any headaches or-”
“That’s why it’s difficult to detect.” He said. “It slowly grows in you in which, in the beginning, nopony could detect that it’s even there until it’s too late. There’s no cure for it as it eats away at your pineal gland. There’s no treatment either.”
Another pause.
“Are you…” The Princess started. “Are you saying that I’m going to…” He nodded grimly. “But… But I’m immortal. I can’t die.”
“From what I’ve found.” He replied, flipping through his clipboard. “At least, from what I’m able to detect, it looks like your body is starting to gradually shut down. This… This is a horrific disease in which, in plain Equestrian, will weaken you bit by bit until the last thing to go is your mind. It saddens me to have to tell you…” His face lowered towards the floor. “There’s nothing any of us can do. I’m sorry.”
Celestia, like a pony who had lived long enough to see empires rise and fall, fought personal wars with Equestria’s villains and seen plenty of strange things… remained motionless for a very long moment. Then quietly, she asked, “How… How long do I…?”
“About eight days from now…” He put the clipboard aside on a counter. “Celestia… I’m sorry for telling you this. But I couldn’t hide this from you.”
“I… understand.” She suddenly got up, her expression was unreadable. “I’ll just… go and do… something…” Celestia walked out of the infirmary.
Doctor Orange returned to his office to find a chuckling Luna there. “I hope you’re happy, Your Majesty.” He said in a stern expression.
“Oh quite. Did you tell her?” He nodded. “How did she react?”
“Remarkably well… I think. She didn’t show much emotion but I think she’s in pure sho-”
“WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME!”
Everypony in the castle’s ears were ringing from the Canterlot Wail of Princess Celestia.
By the end of the evening, fifty-seven pints of Prench vanilla ice-cream, twenty-two cakes of various kinds, five gallons of noodle soup, three large barrels of red wine and two-thousand-seven-hundred-and-fourteen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies were delivered to Celestia’s chambers. Even if the palace staff didn’t have a clue what was going on, they were trembling because, according to legend, the last time the Solar Princess had gone into a grieving, eating binge was after she banished her sister to the moon.
Luna journeyed up the spiral staircase towards her sister’s chambers in which part of her did feel guilty for having to make her cry. As she went up, the wailing became clearer and sobbing became sharper as she neared her doors. On the other, she knew that this was the precise time for her to go into phase two of her ultimate practical joke. She trotted up the steps until she came up to the golden double doors of Celestia’s chambers in which two faithful Solar Guards stood at attention. A salute from them later, she went up to knock on the double doors.
“Sister? It’s Luna, is everything alright in there?”
But while the crying continued, the golden aura opened the door for her. Inside her sister’s gilded bedchambers was something that was between a battlefield and a landfill. Luna had to resort to flying as the floor was decorated in the palace’s supply of fine china, kitchen trays of unfinished sweets, cookies, melted ice cream, barely touched wine, pots of soup, empty cake trays and there, upon her bed was the bawling mess of Celestia herself. She was less in the same state as her room – puffy red eyes, cheeks stained with tears, and a mane that looks deflated from her regal splendor. In fact, she had not her crown, nor her golden boots, or anything else on her as she lay there upon a mound of pillows and blankets.
“So, I take it that I’ve missed something important,” Luna asked as she landed in front of her older sister.
Without warning, Celestia hugged her tightly. “Lu-u-u-u-o-o-u-n-n-a!” She hysterically hiccuped. “I-I-IT-T’S-S A-AWL-F-F-UL!”
Luna waved her forelegs around, trying to signal to her that she’d like to have oxygen in her lungs before she passed out. Fortunately, the elder, sobbing sibling did notice this and released her before plunging her face into a tub of ice cream.
“Calm thy- I mean, calm yourself. What has gotten you in such a distraught state?”
The white alicorn with banana caramel dripping from her muzzle. “I’m done for.”
“What are you talking about?” Luna sat down. “What happened?”
With a sniff, Celestia began. “Well I… I had m-my physical. And Doctor Orange found out that I…” She busted into tears as her sibling patted her on the back, waiting for her to continue. “And found out… I don’t have much time to live anymore.”
“What?”
“I’m dying, Luna.” She stated. “I’m a dead mare walking. About to kick the bucket. Fill in whatever death metaphor here. The point is that I have brain cancer, and I’m going to die in eight days.”
Luna blinked in that awkward silence. “You do know you’re immortal, right?”
“I thought so too!” Celestia exclaimed. “But Doctor Orange told me that there is no cure for what I have. And the worst thing is that it’s in my brain! This means that I can’t exactly heal myself, nor anyone else can. There is nothing out there to help me, Luna! I have no hope of surviving this. I’m going to die and there’s nothing I can do.” She hugged her sister again, but this time loosened up her death grip. “Oh, I’m so scared, Luna.”
While her older sister clangs onto her, Luna decided that now was the time to spring her plan into action. “Cel, before I say anything, this is indeed an extremely unfortunate event to occur. It is heartbreaking, no doubt about it. And I do feel empathy for finding out something so horrific. But at the same time… you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
This got a reaction from Celestia. “What?!”
“I mean, here you are, finding out that you have about a week to live and what are you doing with it? You lock yourself here, stuffing your face in and cry? I get that this is a major shock, but is this honestly how you want to spend your remaining days? You are Celestia for crying out loud! The sister I know wouldn’t confine herself like a coward. She would go out to take life by the hoof until the last moment!”
It was when she said these words that something rather interesting happened. Celestia did stop crying as she bolted upright. “Mother of me… You’re right.”
Luna smiled. “You see, that’s the Ce-”
“I never really lived at all.” She interrupted with a realization. “I mean… what have I been doing with my life? Grant it, I may be a Princess that has watched over generations of ponies and their ancestors, but what have I done with my life really?”
“Sister? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you see Luna? Ever since we’ve been born, all we have been doing is just obeying a schedule. Wake up at this time. Raise the sun. Have this meal on this date. Organize a Gala. Raise funds for the Royal Guard. Sign peace treaties. Settle trade disputes. Listen to mindless ponies complain over things that they could have solved themselves. Smile for the camera. Wave for the crowd. Make a speech. Read a Friendship Report. Lower the sun. Go to bed to start all over again. That’s not life – that’s the function of a machine. A mindless, friendly using, easy to operate, works for everypony but themselves, machines. And I have been doing just that for centuries! By our mother, that’s not life at all.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “If your duties are not the definition of life, what is?”
“What is it?” Celestia stood up. “It’s something that we never had. I mean… when’s the last time you’ve been given a meal and not know in advance what it’s going to be – or it’ll be a bad one at that? When’s the last time you’ve got yourself arrested for something minor? When’s the last time you’ve done something reckless but exciting? Or that you just act silly for the sake of a joke? Or go out on a date with somepony that has nothing to do with the future of the nation? Or indulged in something until you throw up? Or take part in a role-playing game? Or hoof-wrestled with someone that could defeat you? Or even gotten lai-”
“What are you implying?” Her younger sister interrupted her train of thought.
Taking in a deep breath to organize her thoughts and distill them into something more coherent, she replied. “Life is about taking a gamble with everything you do. Sure, there are risks in which you may suffer, but there’s just as much of a chance you will enjoy something that will stay with you for the rest of your life – all because you took that leap of faith to jump in. That’s something our citizens have always have, but this incredible gift is denied to us by mere birthright. A long time ago, we’ve given up life so that they may live theirs. But now that I don’t have that much time, I’ve only come to realize this. They say an unexamined life is not worth living, and I’ve just grasped that I was never given real free agency to discover what I’ve been missing all this time.”
Luna blinked. “So… What exactly are you planning on doing?”
Pushing the dirty dishes aside to clear a path to her desk, she took out a quill and parchment. “What I should have done from the very start. I’m going to spend my final days living. But first, I just need to figure out what I want to do with it.”
For Celestia, this wasn’t the first time she had to plan out a funeral. Over the years, she had held them for respected members of the nobility, the officers of the Royal Guard, and the occasion state funeral when the nation mourns over a hero or a great influential pony. Of course, it was different this time around as she was preparing for her own funeral.
The decision of where to hold it was already taken – in the same ceremony room that Cadence and Shining were married in – along with Twilight’s coronation. It had plenty of space for those that had been important in her life with room enough to fill out the mourners that she didn’t know.
Next came to the decorations. Admittingly, she didn’t exactly know what she’s should look like.
“I don’t know if I want the whole thing to be drenched in black,” Celestia confessed as she and her sister were in the royal carriage through Canterlot. “The last thing I want is to go out in a room that is downright depressing.”
Luna chuckled. “Or perhaps you could have it set up as something off of a horror film where there are cobwebs everywhere, bleeding candles, and you in your coffin in which you pop out to yell ‘Boo!’ every time somepony gets too close.”
Her sister giggled. “As amusing that idea is, I don’t think it would be of good taste with the public. It should be something that… shouldn’t give any negative impressions.”
“Negative impressions?” Luna cocked an eyebrow. “Do you hear yourself speaking? You’re talking about ponies coming to see you in a coffin, I highly doubt that they’re going to sugarcoat the fact that you’ve…” She trailed off, in which she felt her sister’s wing around her.
“Oh, I know. But I just can’t go knowing that my funeral is going to leave a bad taste in ponies’ mouths. It must be elegant but comforting. Respectful, but gives reassurance that I left this world happily.”
“It’s almost like you’re planning for a wedding than your own funeral.” She was immediately face to face with a wide-eyed Celestia.
“Lu, you’re a genius! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll make it look like a wedding! It’ll be bright with spring flowers, something like a garden. There would be white candles, with white fabrics draping from the ceiling, a string quartet to play Moztrot, and there, on the platform is the casket with me in a simple but elegant wedding gown.”
“Do you want me to toss somepony as your representative spouse in the box too before they close it off for good?” Luna jokes.
Celestia frowned. “Well I wouldn’t go that far. But the whole bright garden theme is something worthy of my own funeral. Of course, there’s other things to consider such as what the Wake will be like.”
The carriage pulled up to their first destination. Being one of the oldest institutions in Canterlot, the Coffin Nail and Sons is the only store in the city that sells caskets and urns to all parts of society. A grim, but necessary family business that has been designing, building and selling coffins to families for a reasonable price. The two Princesses got off the carriage and into the dreary shop that had tall walls with rows of empty caskets from wooden to metal. There were some that were made out of glass while others were chiseled out of solid stone.
“Good morning, Your Majesties,” a dry voice said from behind a wooden counter from the other end of the shop. Behind it in a pitch-black tuxedo was a pale stallion that looked like he could use a few pounds on his bones. He had on a pair of spectacles that set firmly on the edge of his nose with a greased back mane that was plastered to his skull. The near skeletal stallion sat there waiting, his forehooves rested on the counter. “Did you come to buy today?”
“As a matter of fact, I am,” Celestia said, putting up a good face as she approached the stallion that looked like death incarnate. “I’m here to choose a coffin.”
The stallion solemnly nodded. “Ah, I see.” He got up from the counter and before disappearing behind a black curtain, he said, “I’ll fetch the catalog then.”
Alone in the shop, Luna turned to her sister. “Do you know him?”
“He’s more of an acquaintance, on the account of the other funerals I had to prepare for over the years. He may appear serious, but once you get to know him a little, he has a unique sense of humor.”
“Does he have a name.”
“Mass.”
Luna blinked. “That’s a rather misleading name.”
“It’s short for Mass Grave… What?”
Her younger sister stared at her. “Should I be concerned?”
“No need. He’s nice.”
“Sometimes I worry about you.”
The stallion returned with a thick book in which he placed it on the counter. “If I may ask, has there been a recent death that I’m not aware of.”
Luna watched her sister as she stood awkwardly. “Well… Not exactly a recent death, per se. Rather, I know that I’m going to need a coffin because someone is about to die.”
“I see.” Mass Grave gave an understood nod. “And who is about to pass away?”
Celestia bit the inside of her cheek. “Well… That’s the thing…” She rubbed the back of her neck. “That would uh… be me.”
The coffin maker blinked. “I beg your pardon?”
“The truth is Mass, I’m about to die very soon and I’m getting ready for my funeral so I’m here to pick out my coffin.”
There was an awkward silence. The stallion behind the counter looked between her and Luna. “Is this a joke?”
“I dearly wish it was.” Luna lied. “But we found out that my poor dear sister’s days are numbered and will be need of a final resting place for her body. I know this may seem strange, but there’s no denying that she is about to…” She trailed off, lowering her head towards the floor.
“Yes,” Celestia said. “I was hoping if I could get a request to custom build a coffin that would fit… well… me in it. Something that would in a way reflect who I was in life, so to speak. Perhaps something elegant but cheerful the same time.
“Now, let’s see what you have.” Celestia stepped up to the counter in which she picked up the catalog book, murmuring to herself. “Hmm… Too black… Too depressing… Too see-through… Too gaudy… Too flamboyant… Not flamboyant enough… No… No… Defiantly not… No… No… No… Too woody… Too metallic… Too gothic…” Page after page, she flipped through the pictures of different types of coffins that none of them really caught her eye. There were expensive shiny ones, glass ones, even simple wooden ones as well, but none of them seemed to jump out – except for one.
“Hold on…” Celestia paused, holding a particular page up to her face. Luna saw her sister grin widely, giggling. “I think I got it.” She showed the picture to Mass Grave. “This is it.”
The stallion had to do a triple take. “Are you… Why…” He looked up at her. “Your Highness, I thought that you would prefer something more uh… regal.”
“On the contrary,” Celestia replied, her smile still hadn’t fluttered away, “this would be perfect.”
Curious, Luna peeked over into the catalog in which she couldn’t believe what she was seeing herself. “How is it that I’m considered the crazy one whereas you want to be buried in a casket in the shape of a banana?”
“It’s perfect!” Her elder sister said giddily. “Not only would it give everypony a surprise, but it’s fitting to me in many ways. For one, the banana was once considered a status symbol when I had them imported to Equestria. Not only that, it would be perfect to get a chuckle out of my mourners – because I don’t want ponies to cry for me, but I want them to remember that I had a sense of humor and was willing to laugh, even at myself.”
“Why do I have the feeling that you’re trying to turn your own funeral into a comedy show?” Luna questioned.
Mass coughed into his hoof to get their attention. “If you are serious about getting this… particular brand, there are other details to go into such as what sort of padding to have inside.”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Celestia said. “Make sure it’s all nice, fluffy and white, like the inside of a banana.”
“Ah…” Mass paused another moment before flipping open the catalog book. “Well… it wouldn’t be the strangest request I’ve gotten from a client. Why last week a family came in which their departed father specifically requested to be buried in a cardboard box. Of course, I would have to get your measurements, but after that, I would need details about the materials and specific characteristics of your… unique sarcophagus.”
Luna rolled her eyes before commenting, “Frankly I’m surprised you didn’t decide to be buried in a coffin that’s in the shape of a cake.”
“Ooh! That’s a fantastic idea.” Her sister said happily. The Night Princess couldn’t figure out if she should facehoof, or roll on the floor laughing that she was taking this seriously.
“…. The family mausoleum is expanding a new wing for space for you.” Celestia’s part secretary and part adviser, Raven said as she read off the scroll to her. “I’ve also sent out an assignment to the castle gardeners to narrow down the best floors and flora to be decorated for the funeral. The invitations have been organized and are about to be sent out upon your request.”
Celestia nodded as she sipped her cup of tea in her private study. The pungent Saddle Arabian Spice tea perfumed the small room while Raven read out the report about the updates of her funeral. “And what of the chefs?” Celestia asked the unicorn. “Has anypony given them the instructions I set out?”
“Indeed, they have.” She said before looking at a ticking clock nearby. “If all goes according to plan, they should have some test platters up here any-” She was interrupted with a knock on the door. Raven went over to open it, letting in a cart with a series of small silver domes into the small space. “Thank you, that’ll be all.” The pony who wheeled the cart in bowed before exiting the room in which the door was closed behind.
Celestia watched Raven light up her horn to carry the silver dome trays over to her desk. Once they were all on, the domes were lifted where she saw her personal secretary gasped. The Solar Princess asked what was wrong. “Pardon me for being so blunt, Your Highness, but how are you not offended by this?”
She looked out to the jokingly macabre spread on her desk. From the coffin-shaped sandwiches to the small tombstone cake, every possibility of the meal served for her own wake suggested of death in a playful way from the sugar skull to the soup that has bone-shaped dumplings. Much to Raven’s confusion, Celestia smiled at these. “Not in the slightest, if anything, I think these are rather creative. Why are you offended?”
At first, Raven struggled to find the words until she finally spoke up. “My Princess, the whole idea of a wake is for your family, friends and fellow subjects to console one another in such a gloomy time. I mean, just the idea that you approve these would make it look like you’re taking your own death lightly. This is something that should be taken seriously.”
Celestia frowned. “Raven, I am taking this seriously. I know that I don’t have much time to live, but if I’m going to have this funeral, I wanted for ponies to remember me not as how they see me, but for who I was this whole time. Not just for my sense of humor, but for the fact that I did everything I could to be a sort of mother figure for the nation. If I had a child, I don’t want them to go on grieving for the rest of their lives, but to tell them that even without me, everything is going to be alright. That they should take it with grace, humility, and a good dose of humor. Does that make sense.”
“I…” Raven sighed. “I understand, Your Majesty.” Lifting up the scroll again, she added: “Of course, there’s the subject of who will be delivering the eulogy. Who do you have in mind to-”
“No one.”
Her secretary blinked. “Excuse me?”
“At my funeral, I’m not going to allow anyone to speak for me. In my experience, when it comes to death and the Royal Family, I tend to notice that whenever anypony speaks their eulogy, they tend to speak from a biased point of view in which they say that they were the greatest pony who ever lived, only to later find out that they left out a few – if not condemning details. Especially for those from Blueblood’s ancestors, the eulogy is more of an alibi. So for this, I request that I will not allow anyone to speak at my funeral.”
“But you must have someone do so on your behalf.”
“Indeed.” Celestia lit her horn in which, out from a drawer in her desk, a crystal ball floated up. “I’m going to record my own eulogy that should be played after everyone settles down to listen.” She then took out a script from the other drawer. “If you don’t mind Raven, I’d like to have some time to myself to say my parting words.”
Raven bowed. “I understand, Your Highness.” After she removed the dishes from her desk, she wheeled the cart out of the Princess’s study in which Celestia was left alone.
After locking the door and soundproofing the study, the Sun Princess looked over her lines one last time before taking a calming breath to light up the crystal ball in her aura.
“Hello, my little ponies,” she said with a smile and a wave, “I’m dead! I know that you can see me in the casket over there, but I figured that now would be the time to say a few words that I’d like to say.
“To begin with, I’d like to speak with my family first.
“For my sister, Princess Luna, I want you to know that I still love you. That I place my trust in you to lead Equestria into a prosperous and peaceful future. While I know that this is indeed a major responsibility to take up the centuries-old responsibility, just remember that you do have friends and family that are here to help you whenever things become too much. Don’t let the challenges that you face discourage you as I have faith that you will become a great leader of Equestria. I have seen how you have changed since your return, for you have become better than Nightmare Moon ever was. Never forget, that I still have forgiven you for that incident, and you have come a long way since those dark days.
“With that being said, however, I’m still upset over your last prank with putting laxatives into my cake. I mean, seriously sis, right when I was setting a dispute in Day Court that I had to practically fly out of the throne room screaming for a toilet. By our mother, Lu! I was in there for so long that I wondered why I haven’t reached the end of the universe. Of course, I did manage to get you back by making all your things in your chambers disappear. So, since I’m dead at this point, your comic collection is underneath a false floor in the music room. Hopefully we can put this prank war behind us and finally let our little grudges go.”
After clearing her throat, she continued. “For Prince Blueblood, I will give credit where credit is due and thank you for your contributions to international relationships. While it would be nice to have you in Canterlot a little more often, I can understand the time-consuming responsibilities that you have to take up in order for Equestria and her allies to continue in friendly talks, trade, and exchange of ideas between us.
“At the same time, however…” She sighed, “I’m not going to sugar-coat this: nephew of mine, I know that you’re gay. And before you start panicking that I knew this for quite some time now, I want you to know that I don’t care who you find attractive. If anything, I would still love and support you all the same. However, even though I’ve decided a long time ago to let you come out on your own terms, it is a little disappointing that I should be the one that has to say it. I will say that I am a little irritated that you have to tap-dance around the subject when I know for a fact that your idea for a ‘guys night’ involves twenty to thirty of your own guards with a few bottles of olive oil. Really Bluey, did you think that you were trying to convince me that you were in a cooking club with that much oil? I didn’t want to bring this up to save you the embarrassment, but when you are still in the closet and haven’t had the decency to be honest with me, that’s where I have a problem with it. This is getting ridiculous and you ought to have the courtesy to let those long line of mares know you weren’t interested in them.
“For Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. I have said this once and I will say it again. You two blew me away with how you are able to take care of the Crystal Empire. Cadence, I am still proud of the mare that has gone above and beyond with the duties of a Princess – your love for your family, friends, and subjects are and will be an inspiration for generations to come. Shining, your loyalty, and dedication, even in the most difficult of situations is admirable. I know that, even without me, you two will still go on being a force for love, acceptance, and honor in which you will leave a legacy for the kingdom that you govern.
“For Flurry Heart, if you are seeing this at a later date, I have a piece of advice for you: be patient with your parents. Just remember, no parent in the world is perfect, if anything, and to be frank with you: they’re idiots – but they’re trying. They really are. Just remember that Cadence and Shining are, deep down, ponies too, they have their own doubts, fears and hopes that may not make them perfect – but equine like yourself. Just remember that they’re not mind readers (trust me, if they really are, you won’t be having any disagreements). For they’re simply guessing what’s going on and how they can help. And trust me, I have enough experience being around families to know to remind both parents and children that they are trying to help the other find happiness.”
After popping a glass of water into existence and taking a drink from it, she continued. “For my friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Spike. I am proud of both of you. I have seen you two grow and develop over the years, your skills, your knowledge, bravery, and sacrifice have become legendary throughout Equestria. The friendships you’ve forged will last beyond time itself. The dedication to learning and teach others what you’ve learned is inspiring to those who come in contact with the tales about you and your friends.
“For Discord, if you are here or hearing this, I just want to let you know something. Am I still annoyed that whenever you come unannounced that your idea of saying hello is to change the castle into blue cheese? Yes. Am I peeved that you tricked me into tasting your carbonated urine? Absolutely. Am I still angry at all of that and your betrayal by advancing Tirek to suck all the magic in Equestria… Discord, I’ve already forgiven you. Everything you’ve done, while I can be annoyed or peeved, I never hated you for any of it. Believe it or not, I don’t want to hate you, or anyone. Because I see hatred as something that is too easy to do. Anypony can hate, but it is harder and nobler to forgive. I will say this again, even after all you’ve done, I forgive you.
“For Star Swirl, while I’m glad that you’ve returned, I will miss you. Even when mother wasn’t around, and you taught us everything you knew about magic – I considered you someone who was as close to a father that we had. Maybe not by blood, but our bond of how you concerned about our well-being and letting us know that my sister and I are capable of doing hard things, is a lesson that we’ll always value. But with that being said, that one essay I said a dragon ate it – I lied. At the time, I wanted to play then write a one-page essay on magic theory. So… Sorry about that.”
After taking another drink of water, she concluded. “To every subject within Equestria’s borders, while I may be gone, just remember that a country isn’t judged by the leaders who are placed in the responsibility to rule, but the way its subjects show their politeness. This simple idea defines us in how we treat not only our fellow ponies, but other creatures as well. Because the way we treat them will say a lot about the character that you show. If there is anything, that I say to all of you as my parting words, it is this: Never be cruel or cowardly, even when it is easy to do so. Remember that hatred is an easy, foolish choice, while love is a more difficult but wise path. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. And also, even when you think you know everything, always be open to when new lessons come along to make you a better being than what you were before.
“So… I have spoken long enough. It’s about time I head to the grave. Maybe one day, if we’re lucky, I’ll be there to greet each and every one of you. But for now, it is getting late, and it is time for me to go to bed. Goodbye, and joy is to you all.”
Thus, Celestia lit her horn once again to turn the light in the crystal ball off. With a sigh, she said to herself, “Well… That’s one priority down...”
Celestia nodded. “I think that it must be done, Raven. Of course, I won’t lie in saying that I feel somewhat nervous to do be doing this, but I can’t pass away without getting a few things off my chest.”
Her adviser glanced up at the clock in the waiting room they were in. “But to do this live? On the radio? For everypony to hear?”
The Sun Princesses nodded.
Then, one of the two doors in the room opened in which an old, bearded gray stallion stepped through. The unicorn had on a long blue cloak with yellow stars, crescent moons and jingling bells stitched as well as his pointed hat. “Princess Celestia,” the stallion immediately went over to hug her, “I came as soon as I heard.”
Celestia put a wing around him to hug him back. “Thank you Starswirl for coming out here. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble asking you-”
“Celestia, don’t,” the old wizard held up a hoof, “you are never a burden to me. Although, I was pretty… shocked when I read your letter. I didn’t want to believe it, but when it turned out that it wasn’t a joke… I came as quickly as I could.” There was a long awkward pause between them. “How uh… how is Princess Luna holding up?”
“I think she’s trying to hold up a brave face. With what time I have left, I have a couple of things in mind that I wanted to do with those I love and care for before my…” she cleared her throat. “For the time being, I want to have this time to see you. As well as to uh… talk with you.”
“Oh… I understand.” He nodded before asking. “But why here? At these radio stations?”
Before Celestia could respond, the second door opened up in which a mare poked her head in. “Princess, Mr. Starswirl, you’d better hurry in, we’ll be on the air in a few minutes.”
“Good luck, your Majesty,” Raven said as the two entered pass a small control room into the recording room where the walls and ceiling were covered in gray, foam pyramids, microphones that dangled from the ceiling, a desk with a few chairs with a stallion with a slicked-back mane that wore a grin.
The earth pony got up from his chair to shake both of their hooves. “Princess Celestia, Mr. Starswirl, it’s such an honor.” He said in a smooth voice in which every word he spoke sweetly to the ear.
Starswirl raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, who are you?”
“Chatter Box.” He replied. “Host to Equestria’s number one radio talk show: Canterlot Chatter 98.5. But come in, sit down – oh and uh, sir, would you mind taking off your hat? We don’t want to have any distracting noises for the broadcast.”
Although a little perplexed, Starswirl placed his hat on the desk as well placing his cloak in a corner of the room before taking a seat. As soon as he did, another pony came in to adjust the microphones were at the right height for him and Celestia. Once that was done, the pony who entered, exited by closing the door behind as a voice came on the speakers.
“Alright we’re about to come back from our commercial break, are you guys ready?” They nodded. “We’re live in five, four, three…” a few beats later, a red light came up from the window that showed the control room lit up, and Chatter began to speak into a nearby microphone.
“Hello and welcome to Canterlot Chatter 98.5, this is your host Chatter Box. This afternoon we have a very special treat for all you listeners because here with me in the studio are two of the most famous and arguably the most mysterious ponies in Equestrian history. I have with me thee Princess Celestia.” He waved a hoof at her.
“Hello.” She said into her microphone.
“And also here is the famous Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Um… good afternoon?” he blinked. “I’m sorry, but how exactly does this work?”
“What? Being on a talk show?” Chatter inquired, and the old unicorn nodded. “Well it’s pretty easy, here we have guests that come to the show in which we talk about anything. Politics, comedy, embarrassing stories, whatever you guys want really. But I guess to start out, I want to ask you, Princess Celestia, why did you decide to come to my show? Everypony knows that you are notoriously difficult to so much as getting an interview from you, so what’s the special occasion?”
“It’s very simple,” Celestia said with a smile. “I’m dying.”
There was a very uncomfortable pause in the recording room. Even Starswirl noticed that the ponies in the control room were doing a double take at what they’ve just heard.
“Uh…” Chatter blinked. “Say that again?”
“I’m dying.” The white alicorn repeated. “I found out a few days ago from my doctor that I have a rare form of brain cancer in which I don’t have very much time to live. So, to answer your question, I came here and brought my former teacher along to get a few things off my chest. There are plenty of things that I have been keeping a secret in which, I think it’s finally time for me to let those out while I still can.”
“O-Oh…” The radio pony across from them stuttered. “Princess, I’m so sorry to-”
“It’s alright.” Celestia cooed. “I know that everyone listening to this is probably as shocked as you are, Mr. Box. But I can assure you, that my sister and I have made some plans in which Equestria will still be looked after. However, while I’m still here, I figured that I would take the time to come here. For my uh… first and last interview.”
“Excuse me, Celestia.” Starswirl raised a hoof. “Why did you bring me into this?”
“For several reasons. The first of which is that you’re the easiest pony alive that I can talk to. And some of the secrets that I have, in one way or another, concern you. So, I figured that I’d better just… do it now while I still can.”
Starswirl rubbed his temples. “Alright, I can see why with me. But why do you want to do it here?”
“Because I think that I want to come clean with everyone so that I may have a clear conscience before I go. This includes a few secrets and even embarrassing stories too.”
There was an awkward cough that came from their radio host. “Of course, Your Highness, we won’t force you to share anything you don’t want to.”
“Oh, trust me, you would definitely want to hear some of the things that I’ve been keeping ahold of for a long time. So, without wasting any more time…” She took in a deep breath and looking over to her old teacher, she said, “For starters, remember how Luna gets blamed for wetting the bed when we were younger? I lied - that was me. If anything, I didn’t really control it until I was in my four-hundreds and blamed it on her, even after we got our own rooms.”
Chatter Box tried to suppress a surprised guffaw when he heard that, while Starswirl’s jaw hung loose.
“I also was the first to invent the whole modern Goth look by accident, contrary to popular belief that it was my sister that created it. If anything, the trend came about by accident when I decided one day catch my nobles off guard by acting the very polar opposite of me. This included picking up a gloomy attitude, the dark dress, heavy eyeliner, and makeup, and preferring to be dead than alive any day. I did mean it as a joke to give nobles who thought they had me down a heart attack, only to find out that ponies thought I was putting out a new culture for them to copy. Then after a couple of emo musicians picked up the look it stuck ever since. So, for those complaining about Goths being around, yes, I’m taking responsibility for starting it.”
“Huh…” Chatter Box blinked. “The more you know.”
“Oh! And speaking of accidents,” Celestia continued, “I may or may not have unintentionally started the Prench Revolution.”
“Wait what!”
“Uh… Princess?” Starswirl raised a hoof. “What is the Prench Revolution?”
“Well…” Celestia said. “To put a very long and complicated story short, the Revolution in Prance was when the lower classes rose up to not only overthrow the Prench Monarchs but attempted to reinvent a new society while introducing a reign of terror through beheading of a device called the guillotine. Of course, I’m oversimplifying this, but for the sake of where I played a part in this. Well, it actually came about because of the arguments I had with the Prench Queen, Antoinette in which she started it.”
Her old teacher tilted his head. “What was the argument about?”
“Originally she made fun of my love of cake.”
“Wait, really?” The radio host blinked.
“Well yes,” she nodded, “a funny story. Back when we communicated through letters, I was introduced to cakes for the first time. Of course, I instantly fell in love with the stuff, so much so that for the longest time I had could do nothing but talk or write about it. Well, one day I got a letter in which she made fun of me. In fact, most of the stuff she said was later taken completely out of context. For example, this is an actual full quote from her: ‘For really Celestia, every line of your last letter spoke of nothing but the virtues of cake, the art of cake, the elegance of cake, the divine miracles of cake. At some point, if you really are as generous with your subjects as you say that you are, why not share it with your subjects? Perhaps, if there’s enough in the treasury, I should do the same thing too. And let them eat cake.’ Somehow, ponies in Prance got ahold of the letter and took it out of context. But what can I say, I do feel a little guilty for adding fuel to the fire before it all exploded.”
“So… Does Prance know this?” Starswirl asked.
“Well, I tried to explain the situation, however, by the time I got a reply back, I found out that they’ve already chopped off the king and queen’s heads off. Plus, things only got complicated when Neighpoleon took power. So I was, for the sake of international relationships to keep it a secret until they calmed down.”
“After several hundred years?” Chatter Box questioned.
“You’d be surprised how long a nation could hold a grudge. Like the time I got jealous of the early leaders of Equestria so I had them assassinated.”
Now everything became dead quiet from the other two stallions. “You what?” Starswirl spat out.
“Okay, before you jump to conclusions, hear me out. Chancellor Puddinghead was an idiot, Commander Hurricane came close to committing genocide on Earth ponies and Unicorns, and Princess Platinum… how to do I put this elegantly…? She was a super king Kamehameha bitch… What? It’s true! Chrysalis couldn’t hold a candle to the abuse she gives out. I know those listening think that I may have abused my power, but believe me, I’m an angel compared to her. She would rather let her own kingdom starve before she gives up on her pretentious luxury. Ever since day one since I’ve met her, I knew she had to go because if Equestria so much as let her be the sole ruler, the country would have fallen overnight. That’s how bad she really was. If anything, the ones that assassinated the three of them – didn’t have to! All they had to do was convince the ponies that were serving them to toss them into a cave full of wendigos. But hey, at least the country didn’t collapse with me and Luna in charge.”
She paused in her rant, tapping her chin. “Let’s see… what else…?”
“Dear Goddesses, Your Highness.” Chatter Box commented. “How come nopony knew about this until now?”
“You know those pageants ponies hold every year?” The two stallions nodded. “Back then, the stage was a way for ponies to be educated and entertained at the same time since a good chunk of the population was illiterate. Now before you jump to conclusions, we came to the throne when Luna and I had the mentality of teenagers in which, I’m ashamed to say, we didn’t exactly take negative criticism maturely. If anything bothered me, I had the pageant altered so it made me in a better light. A selfish thing to do, I know looking back. But as a teenager... I wasn't like how I am today.”
“Faust…”
“Oh! That reminds me.” Celestia exclaimed. “Since I’m going to be kicking the bucket soon, I guess I should finally straighten out a misconception.”
“What misconception?” Starswirl inquired.
“Well, I know that to this day there are some cults that worship Faust as this creator goddess who brought everything into our world into existence along with me and my sister to be the sole rulers of the land. In reality, Faust wasn’t a divine entity at all, nor a mare.”
The radio host’s jaw hung open. “What?”
“You know how some stallions are given a mare’s name through no fault of their own? Well, our father happens to fall into that category. I can’t remember why he was called Faust, but the name stuck for him, even when he tried to change it to something else, ponies still not only call him Faust but thought they were talking about a mare. When we came to the throne it made no difference, if anything, it only solidified the name. Ever since then, mythology sprang up in which we picked our father as a goddess when he was just an ordinary stallion who happened to father both my sister and me.”
“But why did you keep the name of Faust when your father didn’t like it.”
“Because he was a jerk, and I thought it would be funny.”
“I uh… see…” Chatter Box then changed the subject. “Now uh… you’ve mentioned that you had the mentality of a teenager when you began your rule, correct?” Celestia nodded. “So, what was your most embarrassing memory you have at that time?”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it. I did come close to exterminating the Flutter Ponies because of a misunderstanding. Hear me out!” She held up her hooves. “The first time I met them, they gave me the nickname of ‘Mountain Butt.’ At the time, I took it as an insult as you never say to a mare that her own hindquarters are big. Ever. Of course, I got so offended that I uh… declared war on them. As it turns out, it was surprisingly easy to win battles as they’re as fragile as butterflies. When we found the rest of them, I came ridiculously close to exterminating all of them, if I wasn’t explained why they called me that. As it turns out, in the Flutter Pony culture, particularly for a female, if your uh… plot was big, it was considered a mark of beauty. So, in a way, I nearly whipped out a race of ponies because I misunderstood the compliment they gave me. Needless to say, I learned the importance of keeping an open mind, as well as to give them a percentage of yearly bits as compensation for the whole fiasco.”
“So, is that why taxes are as high as they are?” Chatter asked dryly.
“Oh no, for that debt it only comes out of my own peruse as it was technically my fault. If anything, the real reason is that a portion of it goes to preventing humans entering Equestria.”
Now it was Starswirl’s turn to look shocked. “Hu-humans! My Lady, you must be joking.”
“Oh, if only I was. But yes, they do exist only both of our species have agreed a long time ago that we should be kept as far away from one another as possible. I guess it’s all for the best, as far as I know, they think that every one of us from unicorns to dragons, griffons to hydras are just as big as a myth as we do with them.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Chatterbox interrupted. “Even if this is remotely true, how exactly do you know this?”
“It’s by a peace treaty that once a year I visit their leaders to reinstate to keep our civilizations at a good distance. Sure, the humans have been increasingly becoming more advanced, but unlike us, they don’t have a clue as to how to take care of their own kind. I mean, was going to finally open up so that both sides of the world can trade, that was if I hadn’t discovered that two-faced Nixon was cheating in a high-stakes card game. I’ll forgive humanity eventually just… not right now.”
“Huh…” Chatter slumped in his seat. “Are there other state secrets you’d like to share?”
“A few more, yes. Tell me, Mr. Box, have you ever been to the Grand Galloping Gala?”
“Well my wife wants to go one of these days, but the tickets are notoriously hard to come by, even for a radio host.”
“Then count your blessings that you haven’t been able to. Because, to be honest, I absolutely hate the Gala. In fact, before Princess Twilight and her friends came along to give the party some desperately needed spice, I came to despise the event.”
“How come?” Starswirl asked.
“Well, I don’t get to do much of anything than be the official greeter to shake everypony’s hoof. Since there’s so many that by the time I get to the last one, the party is over. I couldn’t exactly do anything about it considering how prestigious the overall event has become. However, that didn’t mean that I didn’t do anything besides shaking hooves. Tell me, have you heard about the most common complaint at the Gala?”
“That one of the punch bowls tasted off?” Chatter Box guessed.
“There’s a reason for that. I pee in it.” Both stallions were once again in a state of shock. “Trust me, if you had to spend all year long with nobles that get a heart attack if they say hello to a commoner, insisted that they should have the world served to them on a platinum, diamond plated pallet, and then have the audacity to place you as the official greeter in which you never get to attend the very party that is supposed to be meant for you decade after decade, you probably want to spike the punch to leave a bad taste in their mouths too.”
“Really Celestia,” Starswirl scolded, “here I thought I taught you better.”
“You taught me to never give into extremes unless absolutely necessary. So, I did. Oh I tried asking those nobles three times if I could actually be with them during the Gala. And three times this was denied to me. Don’t say that I didn’t try to warn them.”
“So, uh…” Chatter Box cleared his throat. “I’m afraid we’re running out of time here. So is there anything else you’d like the rest of the nation to know?”
“Well… Yes.” Celestia blushed. “There is one more, somewhat embarrassing thing that I should finally get off my chest.” She took in a deep breath and let out: “I’m a virgin.”
For a moment, the two stallions looked at one another before returning their gaze at Celestia. “No, your Highness,” Chatter said, “I mean for one that’s been around as long as you have, are you telling me that you’ve never… ya know… rolled in the hay with-”
“Name one.” Celestia folded her forelegs. “Name one pony that I have taken up as a lover.”
“What about the Prince…” Starswirl started but trailed off. “No, he ended up leaving you.”
“What about that Princess…” Chatter Box was going to say but he stopped to think twice. “No, she didn’t really meet you… What about any of the Royal Guar- hold on, they would get executed if they so much as touched you…” A sudden realization dawned on both of them as they turned to Celestia. “Seriously? Never?”
“Never.” She confessed. “I mean, sure, I have my methods that assist my uh… needs. But never once, in all of my reign as Princess have, I ever found the time or the pony to give it up to. I know most ponies tend to think that I’m above sexuality, that I am this pure Goddess. The truth is that I just never was able to get around to it. Or at least, up until recently, found anyone that I would deem them worthy of my absolute trust in with such a personal matter. Of course, there’s still a few days left for me, so if everything goes right, I think I know who I would place my trust in before I go. So, if all goes according to plan, let’s just say expect a wedding to happen any day now.”
Chatter Box notices the light from the window has changed. “Well, Your Highness, I guess I wanna say thank you for coming onto the show. But I will say that before we go, that I think Equestria as a whole is going to miss you. I would say that what you just did is something very brave, and… on behalf of Equestria as a whole, for all that you’ve done for us, I guess I just wanna say, thank you.”
Celestia didn’t respond right away, but instead, she got up out of her seat, went around the table to hug him with a wing. “I couldn’t ask for better ponies to be responsible for.”
Taking in a deep breath, Chatter Box said into his microphone: “I believe that’s all the time we have now. I’d like to thank Princess Celestia and Starswirl for being here. This is Chatter Box on Canterlot Chatter 98.5 saying until next time, I’d hope to talk to you real soon.”
A moment later, they were off the air.
At that moment, Starswirl lit up his horn to pick up his hat and cloak. “I hope you realize that ponies are going to change their opinions on you for what you’ve done.”
Celestia smiled serenity. “I know. But at least my secrets are no longer mine to bare beyond the grave.”
Celestia knocked on the gates of Yakyakistan, her winter coat flowing in the winds as she waited for a response. Before she could knock again on those heavy doors, it was opened wide enough for a head to peek through. “Hello,” she said with a smile, “May I come in?”
The Yak who opened the door blinked. “Pony Princess? Why you here?”
“Can you or someone tell Prince Rutherford that I like to visit him please?”
“Why?”
Her smile widened a little. “I wanted a favor to ask of him.”
The yak told Celestia to wait while he goes off to tell the prince about it. A few minutes later, horns were heard as the grand, giant gates were opened to let her in. Of course, a few of her Solar Guards did flank her as they follow her into the wintery city-state of huts and curious yaks that were puzzled why a well-known alicorn was here. The yak that opened the gate leads her through pass huts until they came to the biggest one where the prince of the Yaks was in. Pass a curtain, and there by a fire in the center of the hut was Rutherford.
“Sun Pony?” He asked as he got up. “This unexpected. Why is Sun Pony in Yakyakistan?”
“Good morning to you, Prince Rutherford.” Celestia nodded to him. “I know this is last minute, but I was hoping if I could ask you a favor given the circumstances, I’m in.”
He nodded. “There rumors saying Princess of Sun dying. This be a joke, right?”
“Afraid not.” Celestia shook her head. “I have only less than a week to live. But I wanted to come by today to ask if you would do me a big favor.”
“What that be?”
“Hoofwrestle with me.”
Rutherford paused as he processed what was said. He reached up to his cloven hoof to part some of the hair that dangled in front of his eyes. “What?”
“It’s something that I’ve never really been able to do.” She explained. “Well, one of two things I wanted to ask you, really. You see, I have seen this activity among my guards for centuries in which I actually admired their sense of competition behind it. Of course, the problem was that I can’t do it with my guards as partly they won’t ever agree to it and partly because I think it might be too easy for me to win if I did. So, I’m here to ask if you would do it with me. After all, Yaks are known for their strength and I was hoping if you would indulge me with such an activity.”
There was a chuckle that escaped the Yak prince’s mouth. “Pony Princess, hoofwrestle me? Seem unfair for Yak to do to Sun Pony to be at disadvantage.”
Celestia got up to his face. “Oh? And what does that supposed to mean?”
Rutherford backed up. “Yak mean… that wouldn’t seem fair. Yak may overpower pony. Perhaps Yak could get someone just as-”
“What’s the matter?” Celestia said with a sly smile. “Afraid that I might be able to beat you?”
The Prince frowned. “Oh, Sun Pony did not.”
“Sun Pony did. I challenge you to a hoofwrestle, in public in the center of Yakyakistan.”
A confident smile came across Rutherford’s face. “Very well. Don’t say yak didn’t warn pony.”
Soon enough, a sturdy table was called for in the center of the city in which the Prince had his subjects gather around. Although there was a sense of confidences from both Rutherford and the more aggressive males in the crowd, Celestia herself didn’t seem fazed at all as she calmly took a seat right across from the Prince, putting her right foreleg on the table.
“Yak apologizes for humiliating Pony Princess,” Rutherford said as he put his right hoof on the table. “Yak did try to warn Sun Pony.”
“On the contrary,” Celestia retorted, “I think it should be you to be concerned over.”
A chorus of “Ooh!” was heard all around as the two of them raided themselves by grabbing the other’s hoof and putting their elbow on the table. One of the Yaks, acting as a referee placed his hooves on both of theirs. “One round only.” He said. “Whoever puts hoof under own, wins.” Rutherford snorted but had a confident grin while Celestia, a simple smirk. “Ready… Hoofwrestle now!”
Immediately, shouts from the crowd cheered for their Prince as he used his strength into his arm. His muscles bulged, his arm shook, and he groaned as he tried to put his all. As for Celestia, however, she stared at her solid hoof still stiffly still. “Is something supposed to happen?”
“C-C’mon…” As much as the Yak tried to push that foreleg into submission, it wouldn’t budge. It was as if he was trying to move a mountain in which it stubbornly refused to move. He was putting every ounce of strength he could, but the look on Celestia’s face was mild-confusion. He was breaking a sweat the more he tries to push it, but she didn’t seem to be relaxed with her grip. His hindlegs tried to bring more support and leverage, but even then the foreleg refused to budge.
“You know the funny thing is?” Celestia asked. “I’m hardly doing anything. So… give up?”
“Never!”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay…” Then before anyone knew it, she brought her foreleg down, breaking the table and flipping Rutherford over and creating a creator in the ground. In that stunned silence, Celestia craned her neck over the newly formed hole she created. “Too much?”
At first, Rutherford didn’t respond, and Celestia was about if he was alright until he began to crawl out of the crater. Once he was able to get to the rim, he parted his hair, giving the princess an angry glare. “Sun Pony cheated.”
“What?” Celestia asked as innocently as she could make it sound. “I didn’t do anything besides beating you.”
The Yak prince snorted. “No pony that strong. Pony must use magic. Pony cheated.”
“Or maybe you just won’t admit defeat.”
Within that stunned silence, Rutherford grabbed a hoofful of snow and flung it at Celestia. Gasps were heard as the loose snow landed in her face, even the Sun Princess flinched at this sudden outburst. But with the tip of her wing, she slowly brushed it off of her, before flinging it back at Rutherford’s face.
“Well, if you won’t admit defeat,” Celestia said with a smirk, “then you sir, have left me with no other choice.”
He shook the snow off of him. “What that?”
Celestia suddenly opened her wings in which she flew straight up in the air, took in a deep breath and let out her Canterlot voice:
“SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!”
Next thing the Yaks of Yakyakistan knew, from every direction, snowballs fell from the sky like a freak blizzard. However, at the exact same time, they realize that they were under siege. Thus, a war between Celestia’s forces and the Yaks have begun.
What the Yaks didn’t know that the very moment Celestia had arrived at the doors of the city-state, legions of the Equestrian military (and some of the Crystal Guards) in winter camouflage were not only making their ammunitions of snowballs behind their carefully placed snow forts, but the catapults were being loaded, the pegasi were given bags to be dropped when they make their carpet run, slingshots waited for their signal, and all eyes and ears were waiting for the Sun Princess to begin the siege. Once Celestia had shouted the signal did they began to rain down on Yakyakistan.
“Welp, there goes decades of peace treaties we tried to solidify.” Shining Armor remarked as he watched the snowballs descend through his binoculars. From where he was, he was overlooking from the mountains that overshadowed the city-state below. His attention wasn’t on what was going on from the Yaks, but rather on Princess Celestia that was flying up to join him.
“Well, that was easy,” she commented, “all I had to do was beat Prince Rutherford in a hoofwrestle contest in front of everyone, have a few flimsy insults in the mix before tossing snow in my face. It’s rather amazing how easy it is to start a war.”
“Yeah…” Shining put down his binoculars. “Remind me again why you’re doing this? I mean, we just barely got the Yaks to open up in international relationships and now you’re doing this?”
“Oh, they’ll be fine. This is a snowball fight, after all. Look around you, not one of ours is using any real weapons except for packed snow. And- oh! Look! They’re fighting back now. Good, it’s just begun. Now what was I saying…? Yes, this whole fight is harmless. There’s no causalities to be have when we’re engaged in one that requires nopony dying.”
“But why?”
She sighed. “For two reasons, really. First is to be involved in a snowball fight as I never really get the chance to do one of those in my life time, if you can believe it. And the second, I want to have a harmless war that is short, painless, and fun to be involved in before I die.”
Shining blinked. “You have a very peculiar bucket list.”
“May I see your binoculars?” After being handed over, she peered into them and hummed. “Looks like they’re getting out their own catapults as well… Oh good, they’re putting in snowballs as well.” Setting the binoculars aside, she then asked for a slingshot from Shining and told him to send in the pegasi.
And so, the battle picked up the pace as the pegasi carried up bags of snow up in the air to let them be dropped upon the huts, and the Yaks were fighting back. Some of the Yaks strapped rubber to pairs of horns in order to act as lines of living slingshots to fire even slightly bigger snowballs at the Ponies. While both sides were getting hit by the flying snow, they still kept at trying to subdue the other.
Despite the battle, Shining couldn’t help but notice how much Celestia was enjoying herself. Between loading up snowballs into her slingshot and shouting, “Yes! I got one!” he couldn’t help but think how much enjoyment she was having in this childish version of war. However, as he turned his attention towards the battle, he noticed that neither side has gained any traction over the other.
“C’mon Cade,” he muttered, “where are you?”
While each side tried to cover the other in snow by their catapults, Shining caught a glint of light coming up from the pass. There entering into the valley was the hope their side was waiting for – the crystal tanks. Poking her head out from one of them was his wife Cadence, and his daughter hugging her neck.
“Shining,” Celestia inquired, “What is Flurry Heart doing here?”
“Don’t you know? Sunburst is sick and we couldn’t find a foalsitter at the very last minute before you declared a snowball war.”
The Sun Princess blinked. “Fair enough. So what are they going to do?”
“Just watch.” He said as he raised his binoculars again. On the battlefield, the tanks had drifted past the barrage of snowballs, pressing forward until it got up to only a couple of yards from the walls of Yakyakistan. Then, out from their shiny cannons, a stream of snow leap onto the very bottom of the wall. At first, Celestia was confused at this until she realized that they were piling more snow onto the side of the walls.
“Oh that’s clever,” Celestia commented after she fired a snowball, “they’re building a ramp.”
Shining nodded. “It’s always wise to use the elements of your surroundings to your advantage.”
“Fair enough, although I didn’t know that Cadence could drive a tank.”
“You’d be surprised how boring the Crystal Empire can get at times.” He replied before taking up a slingshot and begun to fire snowballs too. “I mean, between the paperwork and making sure our subjects don’t set the kingdom on fire, you just gotta have a hobby.”
“That reminds me,” Celestia said as she and Shining ducked from a storm of snowballs that were thrown right back at them, “will the three of you be coming to the funeral on Monday?”
“You’re asking me now?” Shining questioned, “When we’re getting bombarded?”
“Why not? I’m gonna be dead in five days.”
“Okay, how are you this calm?” The prince questioned as he peeked over after the barrage had ceased, given enough time for the both of them to retaliate. “I mean, you know you don’t have much time, and yet you’re taking it as if it’s nothing.”
Before Celestia could reply, she saw the Yaks were now dumping cauldrons of boiling water over the walls in hopes to slow the snow ramp down. “I never said that it isn’t a big deal. Because I know that it is. However, given the time I have left, I figured that before I go, I want to spend my remaining days with those that I care for the most. And doing those fun things with my family and friends when I still can.”
“Yeah, but why are you calm?”
“Because if you know what’s going to happen,” she answered as she reloaded and fired another snowball, “why fear it?”
So for several hours, the battle between the Ponies and the Yaks raged on. While the yaks did all, they could to not only combat the surrounding forces by their catapults, slings and dumping hot water upon the piling snow ramp, they quickly found that as soon as it was dumped, the water would freeze, thereby solidifying the snow ramp. The Crystal Ponies that were in control of the tank decided to instead of piling snow from several ends, they’ve decided to focus on one part of the wall to project their stream of frost upon. From above, the pegasi continued to bombard the Yaks with snow, although there were several times in which they would get hit and fall outside its walls. Meanwhile, a few units tried to make a charge towards the fortress city, but as they couldn’t climb the walls, each attempt failed as they would get beaten with snowballs that were the size of boulders.
However, a breakthrough came when the takes that spew snow towards a single spot of the wall had finally managed to pile up snow high enough that it went over the wall. This was the opportunity that the Equestrian forces needed as Shining gave the order for all of them to charge towards the ramp before he and Celestia joined in the swarm that gallops straight towards the fortress. With the Solar Princess giving out a battle cry of, “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THROW SNOW IN MY FACE!!!”
The Yaks were overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of ponies that poured into Yakyakistan like a living flood. Snowballs had been thrown in their warrior’s faces before they could smash them. The front gates were unlocked and pushed wide open for the rest of the Equestrian forces to fill in space. And quickly they’ve captured Prince Rutherford, even though he tried to stand his ground by throwing snowballs, even he too was overwhelmed.
At last, by near sundown, Celestia, Shining, Cadence with Flurry came into the city in triumph as the soldiers around cheered their victory. The Yaks meanwhile were in despair as this was the first time in their proud history that they have been defeated and humiliated in such a way. In the center of Yakyakistan, Rutherford was brought out before the victors.
“How has this happened?” The Yak Prince asked in disbelief.
“I asked if you’ll accept defeat in that hoofwrestling match before you rudely tossed snow in my face,” Celestia answered. “So, now that we’ve managed to win a war with you in a day, there’s only one thing left to do.”
The space became quiet as everyone from Yaks to Ponies watched to see what Celestia was going to do. She calmly walked up to the prince, as Rutherford tried to put on a brave face for whatever fate was about to come. However, she suddenly stopped and offered up a hoof. “Good game.” She said as she took his cloven hoof and shook it.
Rutherford blinked. “What?”
“That was hooves down the most epic snowball fight that I’ve ever been a part of. You and your Yaks fought well, but I think you guys need some practice though.”
“What?”
“I mean really, thank you for giving me for doing something so fun! Do you think we could make a tradition out of this for future generations to have this kind of snowball fights? Perhaps I could get Luna doing this again next year.”
“What?”
“Again, thank you so much for this!” Celestia grinned as she turned around. “C’mon everyone, let’s go have some hot chocolate at the Crystal Empire!”
The ponies cheered as they all rushed out of the front gates with Celestia leading the way, leaving a humiliated if a not confused population of Yaks behind. Even after all the ponies had gone and out of the valley, not one said a word. All of them waited on the Prince to hear what he had to say about this. However, he was just as stunned as the rest of them. He expected to be executed, his kingdom being taken over, his subjects enslaved or have their huts pillaged.
However, Prince Rutherford did say something after the sun had set. Something that would no doubt go straight into the history books of Yakyakistan.
“What actual buck just happened?”
“So how was Yakyakistan?” Luna asked while sipping on her hot chocolate. Her older sister had returned to Canterlot late at night, but judging the giddiness on her face, it was almost unnecessary to ask her that question.
“You should have been there!” Celestia beamed, “Snowballs were flying everywhere, and the Yaks had catapulted to toss boulder size snow at us. But when Cadence came in with those tanks, it made it so much easier to get into the city and flood in with our troops until they’ve surrendered.” She finished by flopping onto the bed. “All in all, it was a good day.”
“Don’t you think the Yaks are going to be a little upset that you’ve essentially invaded their kingdom and humiliated them?”
“That’s why we have Blueblood, he’ll sort it out. Plus, it would make his job easier to calm them once I’m passed away.”
“Still, I’m glad you had fun,” Luna said as she nuzzled her sister. “So what are you planning on doing tomorrow?”
Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door. Luna used her magic to open the door in which Dr. Orange Juice there. “Pardon the intrusion, Your Majesties,” he bowed to them, “But could I speak to Princess Luna for a minute?”
After excusing herself for a moment, Luna stepped outside to follow the doctor into a room that was several doors down from her sister’s chambers. After walking into a broom closet and putting a sound proofing spell, Luna turned to the doctor who was glaring up at her.
“How long do you want to keep this practical joke up?”
“Only until Monday morning.”
“But don’t you think that maybe this is starting to go a little too far?”
Luna blinked. “What are you referring to?”
“Gee, I don’t know, having her spilling her personal secrets on public radio and declared war on the Yaks for a day (which I may add might endanger whatever international integrity the country so fragilely has) that this joke of yours is starting to become incredibly cruel. Even for you! That you made me lie to her to make her think she’s dying so she’s off doing these crazy things, I mean… have you no shame?”
The night princess frowned. “Doctor, I think you’re overlooking one, particular thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Good doctor, if I played this joke on anyone else, then yes, you have every right to call it cruel to make them think that they’re about to die. Even for me, if I found out that anyone else plays that same joke on anyone else except for my sister, even I would be the first to call them out on something so cruel. However, you sir, are overlooking one, important, fact…” She leaned forward. “She can’t die.”
The doctor tilted his head. “How does that make it any better?”
“My point is that in any other circumstance, if this joke was done to someone that was mortal, then, of course, it would be incredibly cruel of me to do this prank. But when you consider that my sister is immortal, who is convinced that she isn’t… it’s hilarious in what she does. Besides, I think it’s good for her too.”
The doctor’s jaw dropped to the floor. “How is any of this good?”
“Because in all the centuries that we’ve been living, neither one of us truly lived. For Celly, it's worst as she’s a slave to routine and expectation. Everything is planned out for her from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed. And in-between, she has to put a façade to convince the whole world that everything is fine when I know, deep down, she wants nothing more than to be free of all that. And even if it’s for about a week, we’ve just given that precious freedom to her. But for me, I just wanna see what she does with it.”
“You do know that she might explode at you when she finds out, right? She might end up killing you.”
Luna deadpanned, “You do realize that I can’t die either, right? And before you say that she’s gonna banish me to the sun, don’t worry, that’s already covered.”
“What do you mean?”
“She signed a law the day after I returned to the Moon.” She smirked. “It states that it’s now illegal for anyone to be banished to any celestial body which includes the sun, moon, or the other planets in the heavens. So, if she does so, she’ll be breaking her own law. Of course, I know I’m gonna get punished for it. At least I won’t be leaving the planet anytime soon.”
While Luna had left her chambers to speak to her doctor, Celestia had summoned her nephew up to see him. Soon enough, Blueblood had arrived in her chambers, bowing. “You wished to see me, Auntie?”
“Yes. I figured that before I go to bed, I thought I ask you a few things.”
“Ah, I see.” He nodded. “Is something the matter?”
“Well, first off. You know about my uh… condition, right?” Blueblood replied that he did, if regretfully so. “How are you holding up, I mean, are you okay?”
The white unicorn pawed at the marble floor. “I… I’m not exactly sure what to feel about it, to be honest. Part of me still thinks that this must be some elaborate hoax, a cruel joke that’s Auntie Luna’s creation or some other.”
“And the other?”
“Still in shock. I mean, for now, I’ll be alright, Auntie, but… I’m not sure how to process all of this. Just… how can you die? You’re an alicorn, I thought you’d be…”
Celestia got up to hug him with a wing. “It’ll be okay, Bluey. I know you’re trying to put up a brave face like Lu is. It’s okay if you’re hurting deep down. In fact,” she straightened up, folding her wing back to her side, “Tomorrow, I want to spend the day with you and Luna.”
“Oh?” Blueblood tilted his head. “Doing what exactly?”
“Ah, right into the second reason why I called you up here.” She smiled, “Out of the three of us in the palace, you have a much wider taste pallet where not only have you traveled more frequently but encountered flavors that even our chefs in our kitchens have never heard of.”
“True,” her nephew shrugged, “they still don’t know how to make a decent curry.”
“So with that in mind,” she said, “I’m proposing that for tomorrow, we go around to the best places to eat that you know to gather up the most elaborate picnic in Equestrian history. And I’m not just talking about getting food from gourmet only places either, I mean I wanna try new things that I’ve never smelled, touched or tasted before.”
Blueblood pondered over this. “Are we talking inside Equestria or…?”
“Sure, why not? Only the best of the best, and new! Oh, and make sure that wherever we’re going, we get a lot of it, and that there’s cake involved.”
“Of course…” he deadpanned.
Right then, Princess Luna entered through the double doors. “I’ve been meaning to ask, what are you planning on doing tomorrow?”
“Oh! That reminds me,” Celestia said, “Luna, do you remember that really tasty wine you got a couple of years ago? You know, the one that you drank fifty bottles of until you passed out on the fountain in the back? Where exactly did it come from?”
By early the next morning, a list was drawn up in which Celestia’s mouth was watering just by looking at it. Next, to her, Luna held a pot of coffee in her aura while poking Blueblood as he was wrapped in three blankets, wearing a sleeping mask and curlers in his mane. Every now and then, he would jerk awake, groggily and muttering a complaint.
“Remind me why I have to wake up this early in the morning?” They heard him questioning. “The sun isn’t even up yet.”
“So that we can gather all these goodies up before lunch,” Celestia replied. “After all, if we’re getting all of these from all over Equestria, then we have to start early.”
Blueblood lit his horn to gently pull part of his sleeping mask up. “So why not teleport all of us later? Or better yet, have them send you the food for the banquet?”
“Because I want this picnic to have effort being put in by us. You included Bluey.” Scanned over the list again, “After all, one of these days you ought to get out more, you never know who you might run into.”
At this point, Luna decided to clear her throat, “So where exactly are we going to first?”
“To get the drinks from wine country… after we taste test a few.”
At the crack of dawn, the two princesses and prince rode their pegasi chariot, swiftly over the waking country towards the southwest towards the direction of Applewood. They were heading towards one of the few places in the world where the highest quality of wine is produced. One in which has good, warm weather all year long but is damp enough for grapes to grow on the vines in its rich soil. By the breaking of the rising sun, the three of them finally saw the mountains and the rows upon rows of green vines upon several dozens of fields. Within the horizon, the city of Applewood’s hills still shades it's residences for another few minutes longer while the chariot descended down towards a particular ranch.
“I think I know this place,” Blueblood commented, looking over the side. “Was this the place I introduced you to that sweet red wine, Auntie Luna?”
“You mean the one that made me moon the moon before passing out into that fountain?” He nodded while Celestia giggled. “Oh yeah, I think this is the place.”
As the chariot touched down onto the dirt road, they noticed the sign overhead as they entered into the property in which had a cut out of an angry looking pony with a bottle in his hoof which the Sun Princess mused over. “‘The Drunken Cousin’… Sounds like the name of a pub in the middle of nowhere than a wine farm.”
“It looks intimidating, but don’t be fooled,” Blueblood said. “These are some of the best wine producers in the country. I come down here myself if to get a few bottles for some special occasions.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow and a playful smile. “Oh? Such as?”
“Well… you know… like Hearths Warming, Hearts and Hooves, birthdays, and celebrations for not being invaded are all… What?”
The Sun Princess only smirked at him. “Oh nothing, for now, let’s see what they have to offer.” Eventually, the chariot slowed down to a halt in front of a farmhouse in which Celestia was the first to hop out and knock on the front door. For a moment, nothing happened as she knocked again. When nothing still happened, she knocked even harder until the house echoed like a drum.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!” A voice shouted as sounds of something metallic fell over and crashed. “Honestly, do they have any idea what time it is? To wake someone this early when the sun just rose, really, who do they think they are?” The door swing opened in which a stallion poked his head out. A groggy unicorn in his pajamas who firmly shut his eyes in the morning sunlight. “Yes, who is it?”
“Sorry for disturbing you this early in the day.” Celestia apologized, “However, I was hoping that you could offer up your services with your wines.”
The stallion murmured as he rubbed his eyes while trying to force them open to see who in their right drunken mind would want him this early in the morning until he saw who exactly was on his front steps. Once he registered who exactly it was, he screamed and fell over backward.
“Are you alright?” Celestia asked, sticking her neck in through the door.
“I uh… yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” The unicorn walked out of the door. “Oh, and Princess Luna and Blueblood are here too. Wow, okay uh… I’m completely unprepared here.” After giving the pony some time to get ready, the unicorn emerged from the farmhouse with a wide brim straw hat and blue jean overalls. “I’m really sorry about that, I didn’t know anypony was coming this early in the morning.” He bowed. “I’m Grape Vine, the uh, owner of the place, Your Highness.”
“A pleasure,” Celestia smiled and gestured over to her sister and nephew, “this is-”
“Princess Luna and Prince Blueblood.” He bowed to them too. “Yeah, we’ve met.”
“Greetings once again Grape.” Luna sprang over and shook his hoof. “Please tell us that you still have that tasty wine the last time I was here.”
“I think we should have some in the stalk. So, tell me, how much wine would you be needing tod-”
“All of them,” Celestia said.
Grape Vine blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I said I would like to have all of them. Enough for a rather large picnic.”
The grape grower rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if I understood that right, did you just say that you want… all of it? Because nopony has ever asked for that much before.”
“Don’t worry, you will be paid for. Just as long there’s enough that’s good and a lot of it.”
“Uh…” He looked between her and the other two royals. “Okay…” The three of them waited patiently as the unicorn went into a large storage barn and from there, he returned with one large barrel after another. Using his magic, he went back and forth, rolling out barrel after barrel of the finest wine he had that was aged enough to be considered alcoholic. He rolled out sixty barrels where each was big enough to fit Celestia comfortably in. After the last barrel was out in the open and taking a moment to wipe his sweaty brow, he asked. “So, would there be anything else?”
“Nope.” Celestia chimed as she examined each barrel. “You wouldn’t mind if I tasted one, would you?”
After being told that he didn’t mind, she flew up to one, raised a hoof and smashed open the lid to expose the fruity liquid inside and then proceeded to dip her muzzle in and began gulping it down. The other three ponies watched jaw dropped as Celestia vacuumed up the wine without taking a breath. Gallon after gallon disappeared to where the Sun Princess craned her neck further into the barrel but still continued to drink seemingly nonstop, even when she fell into it.
“Uh… Auntie?” Blueblood asked cautiously when Celestia didn’t remerge.
Luna took flight to peer inside the barrel. She smiled, “You want another round, or shall we pay him.”
A loud belch rang out from it before Celestia crawled out from the barrel. “You’re right, this stuff is good. Here,” Celestia lit her horn before a mound of bits appeared and the remaining barrels disappeared, “have a chunk of the treasury. Now, onwards! There are plenty of samples to have before the big meal.”
Two-hundred cheese wheels, five-hundred-and seventeen loafs of artisan breads, forty pounds of salad greens, sixty gallons of soup of various kinds, a large cauldron of curry, seven-hundred pastries both savory and sweet, twenty pounds of sushi, a bucket of edible gold dust, ninety gallons of kimchi, a rice field, a noodle factory, fifty pounds of truffles, seventeen gallons of crystal berries with cream, twenty orders of “the Heart-attack” hayburgers with extra cheese and a diet soda (to name a few) later, the three royals made their last stop in a bakery in Ponyville.
“I’m actually surprised, nephew.” Celestia commented, “I never thought you would put Sugar Cube Corner as the best bakery in Equestria.”
“Trust me, I would have avoided this backwater town at all cost if it wasn’t for this place,” Blueblood said. “But out of all the bakeries that I know, this is the only one that not only does their cakes expertly, but they also make it strictly from the finest ingredients where they would never dare serve anyone anything until it’s absolutely perfect.”
Luna smirked, “And here I thought you were allergic to, (how did you put it…) commoner food?”
Their nephew harrumphed. “Even a diamond may be found in the dirtiest of places, I don’t touch something if I don’t know if it will be any good. Or clean for that matter. Luckily, this place happens to have all of those qualifications.”
“Sound good to me,” Celestia said as she pranced her way through the front door.
Luna and Blueblood pushed through the swinging doors of the gingerbread shop where Celestia was gazing into the glass countertop at the creations of the day. The only pony that’s behind said countertop was a pink mare waving at them. “Hi Princess Moonie, hi Prince Blueblood.” She said with a smile, “Are you here on a feeding binge too?”
“On the contrary,” Luna replied, “we are merely gathering things for a picnic on epic proportions. My sister is the one who’s deciding on the meal. Or in this case, dessert.”
Celestia nodded, “Alright, I know what I’m getting Pinkie.” The mare behind the counter took a pen and notepad out of her mane and let her tail jot down her order. “I’ll have that one. And that one. Ooh! And five of those with extra caramel. I’ll have that without the strawberries, that one with the strawberries with a lime. That one with some more whip cream. That one with vanilla ice cream sandwiched in. Then we’ll have…” She looked over to them, “Is there anything you two want in particular?”
“Let me see…” Blueblood trotted over to the counter, glanced at the glass band and forth before frowning. “You’re not out of eclairs, I hope?”
“Funny you mentioned it,” Pinkie replied, “I was about to stuff the cream in it before Princess Sunny came in and obviously wants to buy out the bakery.”
“Well since I’m here, I would like to have two of those long eclairs before we go.” He paused when he heard his aunt suppressing a snicker. “What?”
“Let me guess,” Celestia smiled, “You like them thick with extra salty-sweet cream inside?”
He blinked. “Yes, how do you know?”
“Oh, it’s nothing at all. Just a little inside joke is all.”
Pinkie asked if there would be anything else, and as Celestia turned to make a reply, she was taken aback that boxes of her order were already on the counter. She asked how she was able to make them so fast. The pink mare behind the counter giggled and replied that it was from a result of a “Pinkie sense,” to which the Sun Princess facehoofed.
“That’s right, I completely forgot all of that. Now, how much do we owe you?”
Pinkie took one look at the piles of pink boxes and replied, “Nothing.”
This took the royals completely off guard. “Excuse me, ma’am,” Blueblood said, “I believe that you might have misunderstood. We are, for lack of better terms, customers. As such, we ask for your services and we pay you for your labor.”
“I know how business works, silly.” The mare behind the counter replied. “But it just wouldn’t seem fair to me to ask the mare that announced on the radio that she’s dying to fork up bits. That’s just wrong. Besides, Princess Celestia has been super nice, so she’s getting these cakes on the house.”
“Oh… well, thank you.” Celestia said as she picked up the boxes in her aura, making a mental note to send at least a reasonable sum of bits to Sugar Cube Corner in the near future.
“Wait!” Pinkie exclaimed, “I almost forgot!” After disappearing behind the counter for a brief moment, she returned with a brochure. “Here you go.”
Puzzled, she took it in her aura to read it. “A traveling brochure to the Bahamares? Pinkie, I don’t exactly think that I’m going to use this.”
“That’s what I thought too.” Pinkie shrugged. “But I got it big with my Pinkie Sense this morning that I should just give it to you. Yeah, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but hey, the inflatable tail doesn’t lie.”
By noon, the large spread was prepared in the castle garden where tables of delectable and drinks were arranged. There was not a single expense that was spared for the occasion of this epic picnic. Mountains of tables with forests of raised trays that contained patches of a variety of dishes painstakingly prepared among the pyramids of oranges, the edible gardens, watermelon sculptures, and elaborate fountains of flowing wine, melted chocolate and fondue. Here cakes were stacked high on altering like pedestals, there a chief sprinkles gold flakes over the fruit salad.
“Isn’t that the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen?” Luna turned to look at her sister who said that. She was tearing up, especially when her gaze was clearly towards the desserts. “Are you sure that this isn’t a dream?”
“Doubtful, because otherwise there might be a cake fort somewhere nearby.”
Celestia didn’t pay attention at the snarky remark as her attention was on one of the chiefs was putting the final touches of an ice cream sculpture of Canterlot Castle by putting the waffle cones on top of the spires.
Blueblood cleared his throat, “So I take it that you approve, Auntie?”
“Naturally,” the Sun Princess grinned, “everything here just looks…” then she sniffed the air, “and smells so lovely. I almost feel bad that all of this beauty will soon be eaten away.”
Luna lit her horn to pop a bag of popcorn into existence. Her sister after taking notice of the flash looked down in confusion before asking what the popcorn was for.
“Oh, don’t mind me,” she replied, “I just have this craving for popcorn all of a sudden, just a little snack is all.”
“But we’re going to eat.”
“Don’t worry, I will join you in due time. But for now, it looks like everything is ready.”
Celestia squeed, heading towards the impressive spread.
Blueblood looked up at Luna in confusion, “Auntie Luna, I don’t understand, don’t you feel a little hungry?”
The Moon Princess shushed him, “It’s time.”
“For what?”
“Have you ever seen my sister on a feeding binge up close?” He shook his head. “Here,” she said as she teleported some of the eclairs off from the table to his hooves, “the show is about to begin.”
The Prince was confused at first as he and Luna turned to Celestia. What followed was something that was quite incredible for those who were there to witness it. Celestia went over to one end where the appetizers rested. Her white wings spread open and gave a wave over to her sister and nephew before a blur ravaged across the table. Blueblood couldn’t believe his eyes as Celestia was eating away tray after tray at such a speed that he had a difficult time trying to track where she was going. Trays were tossed aside to which one of the trimmed bushes of a lama was decapitated. Bowls were quickly emptied and landed in a nearby pond. One artistic creation after another was eroded away by Celestia’s jaws like time chipping away mountains. Forests of veggies were desiccated. Rivers of soups quickly went dry. Edible sculptures were smashed into nonexistence. Even the desserts didn’t stand a chance from Celestia. Cakes, melted chocolates, ice cream that took hours upon hours of intense labor were all reduced in a matter of seconds.
By the end of this whirlwind, Celestia appeared on the other side as filthy and covered in what remained of the food. “Now tha-” she began to say but put her hoof over her mouth as a mighty burp escaped. (One so loud, that in Saddle Arabia, the ponies there looked around for a moment before turning to whoever was nearby asking: “هل سمعت أي شيء؟” (“Have you heard anything?”)) “Oh my…” Celestia said as her cheeks turned pink, “Excuse me. I didn’t think I had it within me.”
“We’ve noticed,” Luna said. “Cel, how about you go clean up while we just get started with the leftovers.”
“What leftov-” Blueblood was about to question it when he found a ring of blue aura around his muzzle.
Celestia looked down at herself. “Yes, I diffidently need a bath. Still, sorry for going at it like that. Still, good thing this is only a quarter of the food we got. Oh, and Luna,” she added with a soft smile, “tell the palace staff and the guards that if they wanted a free lunch, they’re welcome to it once all of this is set back up again.”
“Sure thing, now you go take that bath and I’ll oversee that this picnic goes smoothly.” Once Celestia had teleported herself away did she let go of her nephew’s mouth.
“I can’t believe it,” Blueblood commented, “she just ate enough food to feed a county within a minute.”
Luna smirked, “Oh trust me, knowing my sister, this is merely a snack.”
Although Princess Luna had predicted that her older sister would finally take up a temporary lover in the few days that she had – not to mention that it would even take place in Las Pegasus’s famous drive-in wedding chapels – what surprised her was who Celestia decided to marry. If anything, it was in a way fascinating as although she had known her older sister for centuries, she had no clue as to what she preferred as a lover. Up until that afternoon, what gender she preferred had remained one of those greatest mysteries in Equestria as nopony has any idea if she preferred stallions or mares.
Still, even from the back of their golden chariot, right behind Celestia in a white wedding gown, she was practically kicking herself for not guessing who’s she’s marrying sooner. It was both obvious and yet surprising at the same time.
As they pulled up to the drive-through window, it slides open to a gaudy Marevis impersonator. “Thank you, thank you very much fer choosing the True Love Wedding Drive-Through, how can Ah…” He trailed off when he saw who was in the chariot.
Not only a veiled Celestia was sitting in the middle in a white wedding dress, but there two others as well. One was Princess Twilight, who was also in a wedding gown that was probably as giddy (if not more so) than the other alicorn. The other was Discord in a pink bunny suit who, unlike the other two mares, looked like he was dying inside.
“Yes, hello,” Celestia beamed as she held up her bouquet, “we like to get married, right now.”
The Impersonator blinked. “Uh… Who’s gonna get married to who now?”
“The three of us.”
“Three?” He looked down at a book that he picked it up by his magic. “Now hold on now, Ah thought that Ah can only marry off pairs – as in, two atta time?”
“Technically that’s true.” Princess Twilight said beside her, “However, Celestia here found an old law that surprisingly has never been repealed.”
The Marevis impersonator raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And what’s that? Because the law says Ah can officiate a couple, as in two.”
“For the common folk, yes…” Celestia said as she rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. “However, I may or may not overlook the law that says that for nobility they can share up to double that in a single marriage. This means that since I and Princess Twilight are, in fact, both of nobility, we can still marry each other and even add others too, which is where he comes in.” She waves a hoof to Discord.
“Well, Ah dunno…” The impersonator said with uncertainty, rubbing his chin. However, before he could say anything further, a flowerpot appeared next to him, in which it instantly grew into a cartoony large flower where Discord’s face bloomed.
“Listen, buddy,” Discord said, “unless you want your brain turn into shredded sharp cheddar cheese, I highly suggest you do what the extra horny alicorn that desperately wants to lose her virginity says. Otherwise, she’s gonna get very cranky, and you will not like her when she’s cranky.”
After he popped back into the bunny suit, the impersonator gulped, “Well… Since ya put it like that way.” He then flipped the pages of the book towards the lines of the ceremony itself. “Dearly beloved! We are here today in the sight of… Well, you Yer Highness,” he then leaned forward to peer out the window, “and you too, Princess Luna.” Returning back in, he continued, “Fer this holy (if unorthodox) matrimony between Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight and Ex-Lord of Chaos Discord, if there be any sort of objection amongst Y'all, why ya shouldn’t get married here and now, speak now or hold ya peace.”
Discord was about to say something, however, a wing bump from Celestia, along with a ‘Say yes if you know what’s good for you,’ look from her, he wisely closed his mouth.
“Alright then…” the Impersonator continued with the ceremony, “do ya, Princess Celestia, take Princess Twilight and Discord as yer uh… lawful wedded spouses – to honor, love, and cherish as long as you live or until ya get a divorce?”
“You have no idea,” Celestia replied.
“What was that?”
“I mean absolutely.”
“Okay…” He then turned to Twilight, “And do you-”
“Yes!” Twilight screeched out.
Then he turned to Discord, “What about you fella?”
“As long as it doesn’t involve my enchanted balls being ripped out and being fed to me, then I’ll say yes to anything.”
“Uh-huh…” he then grabbed out a clipboard with a marriage certificate on it, “Just Y'all sign here…” They did so, Discord begrudgingly most of all, “Well then, by the power vested in me by – well, by you and your sister over there, I guess – I now pronounce you Mare, Wife, and husband! Y’all may kiss.” He then leaned forward, stretching out a hoof, “That’ll be thirty bits if you please, Your Highness.”
Celestia squeed as she first tore off her veil and Twilight's before kissing her. While the younger alicorn was melting into that embrace, Luna lit up her horn to give the impersonator a bag of bits after her sister then turned to Discord to do the same. Amusingly to Luna, the look on Discord looked like his soul was being sucked out while being smothered out of his misery by her sister.
Once the chariot was moving again, Luna finally spoke up, “Well, not the kind of wedding that I would expect from you, sister, but at least it was entertaining.” Discord harrumphed at that statement. “What is wrong Discord? I thought you of all beings would have been overjoyed to be married to Celestia as, if I recall, you were in love with her.”
“In the past, yes.” He muttered. “I mean, it’s not that I’m looking forward to the wedding night or anything, but I am a little annoyed when I’m not only forced into this, but I had someone else in mind.”
“Now Discord,” Celestia said, bring a hoof to his chin, “it’s only going to be just one night, and I’ll annul the marriage tomorrow. Just look on the bright side,” she grinned, “we’re getting laid soon enough.”
“Glad you’re looking forward to it. However, I can’t help but wonder over something.”
“That being?” Luna asked.
“Why is she here?” Discord pointed to Twilight. “I mean, I kinda get why she would want me. I mean, I know that I’m amazing, but why is she marrying Princess Bookworm too?”
Now all of them turned to Celestia. “Well, since I’m not exactly sure what I like in bed, I wanted to see what it would be like doing it. I chose Twilight because she is somepony that I trust, not to mention someone who has some experience in this field.” She winked at her. “The same reasons also apply to Discord.”
“All the more reason why I find it surprising that you’ve decided to rope me into this marriage three-way.” Discord remarked. “Personally, I hope that Fluttershy would forgive me for what I’m about to do, and hope that I’ll survive the royal snu-snu.”
Luna blinked, “What’s snu-snu?”
“Give me a sec…” Twilight lit up a horn in which she brought a dictionary into existence. After flipping through its pages, she blushed. “Apparently it’s a cause of death where one’s pelvis bone is crushed during uh… intercourse.”
“Something to give you food for thought,” Discord said to her, “that consider that during the course of the night, there’s a good chance that she might crush your face in with her titanic plot.”
This got a glare from Celestia, “Oh you are so going first.”
“Hurrah for me.” The chariot stopped in front of one Las Pegasus’s hotels. Luna looked up at the gaudy, over-the-top architecture of the Saddle Arabian Nights Hotel and Casino where it had onion-shaped domes, gilded windows and colorful towering spires that seemed tacky in the Night Princess’s eyes. She saw her older sister hopping out of the chariot with a skip.
“Come along you two,” she chirped, “hopefully the penthouse should be up and ready for us.”
While Twilight followed after her with the same enthusiasm as her ex-teacher, Discord looked pleadingly to Luna before he was carried off in Celestia’s aura. “If you see Fluttershy,” he called out, “tell her that I’m sorry for cheating on her on that canoe.”
Before Celestia could walk through the doors of the hotel, Luna hopped out. “Sister!” she called out as she rushed over.
“Yes?” Luna hugged her. As the Night Princess did so, she tried to keep her horn as dimly lit as possible as she cased a preventative spell on her.
“Just… have fun and be safe.”
“Aww.” Celestia nuzzled her. “Don’t worry about me Lu, we’ll be fine. But for now, take care of yourself and we’ll meet up say… ten tomorrow. That way you can pick us up.”
“Noted.” Luna stepped back. “All I ask is to make sure the three of you are washed properly by the time I get back.”
“Will do!” With that, Celestia with her two spouses went through the glass swinging doors, across the casino, and into an elevator towards the top floor, towards the penthouse.
The next day, Luna returned to the hotel heading towards the penthouse. She didn’t know what to expect after leaving her alone with not only her ex-student but with the Chaos Lord too. While she personally didn’t want to know the exact details of what happened in the previous several hours, there was a morbid curiosity as she climbed aboard the elevator about what sort of state the penthouse might be in. After all, whenever Discord is nearby, there’s sure to be some irreversible damage that might have been inflicted on.
When the elevator doors opened, she stepped through a circular room that looked like it was a part of a war zone. Not only were there suspicious stains that drizzled along the floor but even on the furniture, the walls, the drapes and even the ceiling too. Here and there were holes in the wall that looked like they were punched through while others were charged with magic. On the floor and dangling off some of the furniture was a variety of adult toys that ranged from fuzzy hoofcuffs to a cucumber that had a suspicious smell. A funnel here, a couple of melted candles there, Luna was both disgusted and impressed at the same time as she decided to use her wings to hover over the remains of last night’s activities. All the while, she pitied the cleaning staff of the hotel that was gonna has to clean all of this up.
She found her sister over at the kitchen area flipping pancakes with a smile on her face while Twilight and Discord were at the table. Luna took notice that Twilight had a couple of Band-Aids on her flank while Discord had an ice pack over his lower regions. The Night Princess turned towards her sister who was humming happily.
“Fun night?” Luna asked.
Celestia giggled. “All in all, yes, it was an enlightening night for me, thanks to Twilight’s help and Discord’s creativity.”
“I still think you should give us a medal for surviving all of that.” Discord moaned. “I don’t think I can have sex again for a couple of centuries thanks to you.”
“Oh c’mon Dissy,” Celestia teased as she flipped another pancake on a plate, “it wasn’t that bad.”
“But it was rather intense,” Twilight said, “even for me.”
Luna opened her mouth, but then wisely decided to keep her mouth shut for the sake of her own mental health.
Her older sister broke the silence. “Still, it’s surprising that I haven’t try to experiment a long time ago.”
“I don’t know what’s more disturbing,” Discord commented, “that you’ve never done any of that stuff before, or that you’ve been this sexually repressed to the point that you’re desperate enough to do all that stuff.” He then leaned his head back, “Especially when you could have done it with someone that’s more… I don’t know… more durable. The bed is still in pieces.”
“Not to mention the state of the penthouse,” Twilight said. “I won’t be surprised that it’s gonna be sealed off for months just to decontaminate the uh… fluids we’ve left behind.”
“But admit it,” Celestia smiled, “we all did have fun, didn’t we?” She then poured the last of the batter into the frying pan. “Still, even though I know this was meant to be for one night, I do want to thank you both for actually given me the experience before I go. And that I got to do it with you two.”
Twilight, upon hearing this, got up (but not without wincing when she stood up) and walked over to Celestia to nuzzle her. “And I’m touched that you trusted me (and Discord) for taking you through something so intimate. Thank you, Celestia.”
The Sun alicorn hugged her with a wing. “And thank you for teaching me a few things,” Celestia replied. “I’ll think of you when it is my time to go.”
Once breakfast was eaten, the three newlyweds went straight to a drive-by courthouse in which their three-way marriage was over. After pulling to the side of the road across from the Las Pegasus’s landing docks, Twilight gave Celestia a final hug before the Princess of Friendship had taken the balloon back to Ponyville. But as for Discord, who before could leave, he was taken aside by Luna in asking him: “So… not that I want to know all the details, but could you give me an idea what had happened last night?”
“Look Princess Moonie, the less you know about what we’ve tried and did, the better off you’ll be. But for now… let’s just say that because of her, I’ll never look at gingerbread and roller coasters the same way again.” Discord shuddered.
“Huh… I see…”
“Luna!” Celestia called out.
“Now if you excuse me,” Discord said. “I’m gonna be home sitting in a jacuzzi full of disinfectants.” With that, he disappeared in a flash.
Celestia trotted up to her sister. “There you are, I think we should start heading over to Ponyville.”
Luna blinked. “Why? Princess Twilight just said her goodbyes to-”
“Not her,” she smirked, “it has something to do on what’s on my bucket list.”
“…. And that’s why Yaks love to smash.” Yona smiled as she and her friends exited the School of Friendship. Classes have gotten out that afternoon in which many students took advantage of the pleasant weather outside. For the Yak, the sun was a welcoming sight after being trapped inside for hours on end.
“That’s interesting.” Ocellus the Changeling nodded. “It explains so much when you put it like that.”
“Yeah, yeah…” Smolder the young Dragoness rolled her unamused eyes. “So, what are we doing today anyway? We’re already caught up on homework.”
“Not to mention that we’ve got extra time for the upcoming exam in Headmare Twilight’s class.” Sandbar, the only pony in the group pointed out.
“That reminds me,” Gallus the Griffon said, “am I the only one that noticed that she’d walked around with a limp?”
Silverstream the Hippogriff gasped, “You don’t think that she’s hurt herself, do you?”
“Doing what?” Smolder raised an eyebrow. “I mean sure, I’ve noticed she was walking funny, but I bet that’s no big deal.”
“Yona picked up Headmare Twilight smelled weird.” The young Yak scrunched up her face. “Like taking bath in sweat and something sickly sweet. Don’t know what smell was.”
“Oh well,” Gallus shrugged, “still, we got time to kill. So, what do you guys wanna-”
“Hi, there!” All six students paused to turn towards the new voice that spoke to them. Behind them was a young mare roughly their ages that none of them have seen before. A Pegasus with an antique gold mane and white coat who smiled nervously at them. “The name’s Sunlight Carefree, I’m new here.”
Sandbar raised an eyebrow as he craned his neck over to the side. “You’re Princess Celestia, aren’t you?”
“What! I mean uh…” she hastily trotted forward to get within whispering distance. “How did you know it was me?”
“Next time, Your Highness, if you want to go around in a disguise,” he pointed at her cutie mark, “it might be best to have a different cutie mark then the iconic sun.”
“Hold on…” Smolder walked up to her, “Are you really Celestia?” She nodded. “What are you doing here? Didn’t someone say that you might be dying really soon?”
“Well… yes…” she rubbed one of her forelegs. “But I’m out here to mark something off from my personal bucket list.”
All six students looked at one another until Silverstream raised a claw. “Why would you make a list for buckets? That’s silly.”
“No Silverstream,” Sandbar told her, “a bucket list is just a list of things that you wanted to do before you die. Or, as the old saying goes, ‘kick the bucket.’”
“Still,” Ocellus asked, “If you really are Princess Celestia, what are you doing here?”
“Well, I was hoping that with your help, you can fulfill something that I’ve never gotten the chance to experience.”
Yona tilted her head. “What that?”
Taking in a deep breath, the disguised Celestia said, “To become a teenager, at least for a couple of hours.”
Another long awkward pause. “Really?” All of them asked in unison.
“Why, yes,” Celestia nodded, “you see, growing up as a Princess, I had to grow up pretty quickly where I had to go from foalhood straight onto adulthood as the country counted on it. So, I never had time to do what any of you do on a regular basis. There were no hangouts, or going to parties, or even just doing something stupid and rebellious because of your teenagers. I never had that. So… from one dying mare to all of you, would you let me join you for a while?”
Silverstream hugged her, “Well, of course, we will! We’re gonna have soo much fun today, aren’t we guys?”
After they glanced at one another, Gallus said: “Eh, got nothing better to do today.”
The others agreed.
Although this was the first time in years that Celestia had ever set hoof inside the remains of the Castle of the Two Sisters, being inside it once more had brought back so many memories. Both nostalgic and depressing as in every way, this was her and Luna’s foalhood home. However, for this evening, she is visiting this haunting place for the last time and planning to leave it on a good note.
In this case, a house party made entirely of teenagers.
Of course, Celestia had to bring in a couple of things that the six students had recommended. There were enough drinks to drown out the entire Equestrian Navy, a DJ for the latest music, expensive lights and visuals to make the evening interesting, some goodies to make things entertaining. While the set-up is crude, the Sun Princess admits that it was refreshing compared to the tradition of hosting the Grand Galloping Gala in which she hardly gets to participate or enjoys herself in.
Plus, it also helps when those six students have invited many, many, many others to the party.
In a few hours, the ruins of the castle had come back to life with students looking for a place to party. Once the lights were up and the drinks were passed around did the party truly began with pulsing music that some of them began to dance. And although Celestia was still in disguise, she too began to join them in the excitement and let the music take control.
“Hey! There you are!” Celestia turned to find Silverstream taking ahold of her hoof. “You’re needed.”
“For what?” She called out over the music.
“We’re gonna play a game.”
This intrigued Celestia. She likes games as much as any other pony. However, the kind of games that she’s used to having been involved in things like strategy, magical trivia, wit, outsmarting and eventually overthrowing your opponent into a pit filled with… something. So naturally, she was rather curious about what kind of games the young players, especially teenagers.
Silverstream lead Celestia to a room that wasn’t too far away from the buzzing impromptu dance hall. It was the remains of what was the Royal library in which ancient books, tables, and statues have been exposed to the elements from the collapsed ceiling above. There is a center of the room was the rest of the six students who were waiting for them. The Sun Princess noticed that the library was mostly dark except for moonlight and lit candles in which the students sat around.
“I’ve found her!” The hippogriff said as she plops down in the circle.
“Silverstream told me that you were going to be playing a game,” Celestia said, “if I may ask, what were you playing to play?”
“Truth or dare,” Smolder said. “Ever played it?”
“I’ve heard of it,” Celestia replied as she took her place in the circle. “Although I’m quite an inexperience in the game.”
“Well, since that’s the case,” Ocellus told her, “I’d think that we might wanna set some ground rules. I’ve heard stories how this can be taken way too far.”
“Oh c’mon!” Gallus whined. “It’s practically the best part.”
“I think Ocellus has a point,” Celestia said. “I think that whatever we do, it should go to something rather extreme or dangerous that can result in someone getting hurt.”
“Yona wants this too.” The Yak agreed. “If Yona is gonna play, no one gets hurt.”
“Oh! I got it!” Smolder raised a claw. “How about this: none of us can do truth or dare three times in a row. So that way, we’re not entirely stuck on doing only truths or dares.”
All of them agreed to this. Silverstream brought out a bottle in which it was placed in the middle. The idea behind it was that as they get a turn, they will spin the bottle in which they can have whoever the bottle picks to tell the truth or do a dare. So with that, Smolder went first as she spins the bottle in which it slowed down to point at Yona.
“Okay, Yona, truth or dare?”
The young Yak thought about it for a moment. “Truth.”
Smolder took a moment to think before asking: “Is there anything about the Yaks that they’re not the best in?”
Yona’s face soured. “Yaks best at everything… well…”
“Yes?”
She glanced around the empty library and muttered. “Yaks maybe not good at giving presents…”
Sandbar blinked. “Wait, really?”
“Finding the best gift not easy,” Yona confessed. “Even among Yaks. No idea what to get or if it is the right gift.”
“You might find that’s actually rather common,” Celestia said. “Even I had trouble trying to pick out gifts, especially around Hearths Warming.”
Then it was Ocellus’s turn, in which after she spun the bottle, it landed on Gallus. She asked him if he would take up truth or dare. The griffon, his chest puffed up, said that he was willing to take a dare.
Smolder snickered, “You’ve gotta give him a good one.”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out…” The blue Changeling said in thought, her hoof under her chin.
“Well, I’ve got an idea…” Smolder leaned into Ocellus’s ear and whispered her suggestion. To which, the Changeling blushed while the dragoness giggled.
“What she say?” Gallus asked.
After glancing over to Smolder, Ocellus told him: “I dare you to kiss Sandbar, on the lips, for at least ten seconds.”
This got a reaction from the rest of the group. While the girls were squeeing and all have their eyes on the only two males in the group, Gallus and Sandbar mirrored their wide-eyed shock over this. “You can’t be serious.” The griffon protested. “I mean… with him?”
“What’s the matter?” The dragoness smirked, “Afraid you might like it?”
“Oooh!”
Gallus’s eyes were scattering every which way, while Sandbar bit his lip. The green pony raised a hoof, “Uh… Don’t I get a say in this?”
“Nope!” Celestia went behind them within a flash in which she held their heads close to one another. “Now kiss!”
At first, the two of them froze with a blushed expression – and it didn’t help as Smolder, then the other girls starting chanting, “Do it. Do it. Do it…” Gallus closed his eyes for a moment to sturdy himself. “Ya know what?” he said aloud, “Buck it.” And just like that, he leans forward to kiss Sandbar, much to the happy screams of the other females. Celestia meanwhile counted down in her head to make sure Gallus does the dare properly.
‘If only I thought of this for Blueblood earlier,’ she thought, ‘it may have finally let him come out of the closet a long time ago. Maybe I could get Luna to pull this off. Still… this right here… I ship it.’
Ten seconds later… the two of them still hadn’t parted. If anything, it was as if the two of them were enjoying the dare a little too much. Celestia parted them. “If you two are in need of a room I know a few that are nearby.”
The embarrassed students looked away from one another but insisted on continuing the game.
Eventually, the game continued on in which the students dared another to do something humiliating or telling an embarrassing truth. Eventually, however, when it got to Sandbar’s turn in which the bottle pointed at Celestia, he asked her. “Okay, Princess… truth or dare?”
Celestia thought for a moment. “Truth.”
“Okay… I was wondering if you could settle a rumor that I’ve heard about you for a while now.”
“I’m listening.”
“Is it true that you’ve tried to sabotage the Grand Galloping Gala on purpose?”
Celestia smirked. “Not until recently. In the past, I used to uphold hosting the gala as a sort of sacred duty. Back when it started, I was accustomed to the ceremony in which I was more than willing to play a part in. However, as time went on, those nobles slowly had my lines of duties being taken over, gradually pushed me aside until I had only one duty – greeting ponies at the door and shaking their hooves.”
“It was incredibly boring, that’s what it was.” She chuckled. “Eventually, I had enough so I’ve decided to do something about it.”
“Like urinating in the punch?” Smolder asked. “I’ve heard that over the radio.”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, that is true. As I’ve been shoved to a corner, I had to up the pranks I pulled during the gala or at least, try to sabotage it somehow. From ordering the wrong décor to fiddling around with the guest list. It turned out that inviting Twilight, her friends and later on Discord was a solid plan to liven up the evening. Sure, he nearly sent somepony into an alternate dimension, but it was worth it.”
“Wish Yona and friends could go,” Yona commented.
“Tell you what,” said Celestia, “after this, I’ll tell Luna to invite all of you to the next gala, only on the condition that you’d cause some mischief.” The disguised alicorn winked.
The game continued on in which it got to Celestia’s turn for her to spin the bottle. This time, it was pointed at the Changeling. “Well, then Ocellus, truth or dare?”
“Dare me.” She said with a confident smile.
Celestia hummed for a minute. Then with a cheeky smirk, she dropped her disguise for a moment to light up her horn to summon up a series of spray-paints before reverting back to her disguise. “In that case, see these?” She nodded. “I dare you to graffiti a wall of my sister’s plot – in full view of everyone.”
Every jaw in that room dropped to the floor.
“You can’t be serious,” Gallus said.
“Oh, I am indeed.” Her grin widened, “And, if I may add, she paints in front of those that are dancing in the main hall.”
Ocellus fidgeted at the words. “B-But I can’t do that! I mean, I’ll just end up getting into deep trouble.”
“Not if it’s a command from a Princess it isn’t.”
The other students pause for a minute or so until Smolder said, “Well… She does have a point.”
So, from there, the students and the disguised Celestia moved from the library back towards the main hall where the thumping music and dancing were still going strong. Before the Changeling was let loose, Celestia told her to make the painting big, Ocellus flew up to one of the remaining stone walls in which, with one last look at her friends below, she shook the can, popped open the lid, and begun to paint.
At first, the dancers below didn’t notice as they were preoccupied with dancing and being awed at the light show. However, as Ocellus spray on some blues and blacks in which the enormous blotches that slowly the partiers became curious. As she continued to paint, adding on the cutie marks and drawing a crack, did it become clear to those below what the Changeling was doing?
If anything, Celestia smirked as she noticed how some of the young stallions were getting excited over the cartoony large plot that was painted up.
But even after she put on the tail, Ocellus wasn’t done. She then went above the painting in which she painted the words: “Worship This Moon.” To which, the majority of partiers shouted up: “Long live the Princess!”
Once Ocellus was done, she flew right back to her friends and Celestia. “Big enough plot for you, Princess?”
The disguised alicorn nodded. “Mooning the moon, I like it. I should add to my will to have this move to the national art gallery just to annoy Lu.”
Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Princess suddenly straightened up during her lunch break. One of the servants asked. “Princess, are you alright?”
“Yes…” She glanced at a window. “I had this chilly feeling just that somehow, somewhere, my sister is commenting how big my posterior is.”
The servant leaned over to the side. “It is perfectly proportionate, Your Majesty.”
Luna glared at her servant. “Good choice of words.”
Late in the evening, it was now Gallus’s turn to spin the bottle in which it now pointed at Celestia.
“Okay, Your Highness, truth or dare?”
“Hang on,” Ocellus raised a hoof, “I think she could only do dare this time.”
The disguised Celestia tilted her head. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve already done truth twice in a row.” She pointed out. “We’ve all agreed to the rules that we can’t do the same thing three times, which means that you have no choice but to do a dare.”
Now all eyes were on Gallus. “Ooh… now that’s a tough one…” He rubbed his beak with a claw. “What can I dare the very Princess of the Sun herself to do?”
“Let her do something crazy,” Yona suggested.
“Uh… Are we sure you want her to do something like that?” Sandbar questioned. “I mean, she’s not gonna be around very soon.”
Celestia waved a dismissal hoof. “Oh, what would it matter at this point? I’m going to die, after all, I don’t think that whatever Gallus here could come up with would be that insane.”
At that moment, the young griffon’s eyebrows were raised. “Okay, I have an idea… but I don’t think you’re gonna like it.”
This caught everyone’s attention. “What does Pony mean?” Yona asked.
“Is it super-duper crazy or treasonous?” Smolder inquired.
“Why not both?” Silverstream suggested, followed by everyone giving her a weird look. “What?”
“You know what?” Celestia said with confidence. “Name your dare, after all, doing something crazy is on my bucket list after all. So, give it to me? What’s the most insane thing that I could possibly do?”
Gallus smirked. “In that case, Princess, I dare you…”
That morning, Doughnut Joe had already gotten up before the sun’s rays could touch the darkening sky, he was prepping his shop in Canterlot. Out of necessity, he had to as he had to make the dough from scratch and plenty of it before it could be run through the machine to fry them up. Not to mention that he also had to prepare the glaze, the icings, organize the toppings, the custards, and the jellies as well.
For the stallion, this was something he’s done more times than he could bother to count. Shifting out the flour, mixing up the sugar, and heating up the oil before anyone else could be awake enough to be needing breakfast. However, it was a job that needed to be done before his customers could come in.
By the time the sun was rising up to illuminate the horizon, Doughnut Joe had already set up enough doughnuts to be set inside the glass counter to which he felt prepared enough to be open for business. It didn’t take long after he unlocked the doors and flipped the sign to let others know that he was opened that the first customer of the day came in.
“Princess Celestia?” The stallion blinked from behind the counter. “What are you doing here?”
The Sun Princess hummed, “Well, partly getting breakfast. You mind if I get a couple dozen of these?” She asked as she pointed at a tray of doughnuts that had strawberry icing. After the stallion had placed them in pink boxes and gave them over to Celestia, she took out one of them out and took a bite. “I keep forgetting how good these things are.”
“Thank you, Princess.” He smiled and nodded. “And what was the other thing?”
“Ah yes.” She put the doughnut down in which she lit up her horn, and a flash of light later, the stallion had on a red velvet cape, a golden crown, and a specter. “Doughnut Joe, for making these delectable delights, and by the power vested in me, I hereby declare you Prince Doughnut Joe, Prince of the Doughnut. Long may he reign.”
“Uh…” The stallion looked down at the cape and scepter be lifting the crown off his head to find that it was indeed made out of real gold and jewels. “So… What do I do now?”
Celestia shrugged. “I don’t know. Make more doughnuts, I guess. Now if you excuse me,” she said as she picked up the boxes, “I have some stuff to do.” With that, she disappeared in a flash of light, no doubt teleported herself to who-knows-where.
“Huh…” Doughnut Joe looked at the crown and scepter once more. “Welp looks like I can retire now.”
“All I’m saying,” Lyra said, “is that if the multiverse theory is true, then somewhere out among the countless universes we might be humans going about our day through High School. How can that be crazy?”
Bon Bon carefully lowered her cup of coffee. “For one, as far as to my knowledge, there’s not much proof that there is more than one universe. I mean, even with all the secrets I’ve learned during my time in the agency, a bombshell like that never once come up in conversation. Also, you have to remember that not every theory floating around is always proven as a solid fact.”
“But how do you know there aren’t multiple universes?”
“And how do you know there are?”
Lyra pouted as she leaned back in her café seat, folding her forelegs. “Well, I think it’s true.”
“But why the whole ‘us as humans and in high school’ thing? Never mind the whole multi-universe thing, why that detail? That seems oddly specific to me.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?”
“You keep going on and on about it like you have a fetish of it.”
Here, the mint green unicorn blushed. “I do not!”
“I’m just saying,” the cream Earth Pony lifted her hooves defensively, “is that if you’re pining after the whole high school look, I could get something to maybe spice up our Wednesday nights.”
“Oh, now you’re just putting words in my-” she stopped mid-sentence when a sudden shadow loomed over her. The two of them looked over who had blocked their sunlight to find Celestia standing there. “Princess Celestia?”
“Hello.” She waved at them. “Sweetie Drops,” she nodded to Bon Bon, “you doing well I take it?”
“Yes?” There was an awkward pause. “So… Can we help you?”
“Oh, nothing much.” Celestia mused. “Except, hold still.” Her horn glowed brightly.
“What?” Lyra asked, but before she could get an answer, the alicorn had already cast her spell. Suddenly the two ponies found themselves with crowns, robes and a scepter.
“By the power invested in me,” Celestia said waving a hoof, “I hereby declare you Sweetie Drops as Princess of the Lesbians Number One, and you Lyra, Princess of the Lesbians Number Two, long may you two reign.”
“Why do I have to be number two?” Lyra whined.
“Have a nice day.” And like that, she disappeared with a flash of light.
The two mares looked at one another, blinking.
“So… Now what?” Lyra asked.
Bon Bon shrugged. “Maybe raise an army and invade the Crystal Empire?”
The unicorn hummed in thought. “Maybe after breakfast, our coffee isn’t here yet.”
“You really mean it?” the foal across from Starlight’s desk asked.
She nodded. “I mean really, all you have to do is to keep calm, spend some time studying and do the best you can on the test. I know that they can look like scary things, but when you put effort into it, you’ll be able to pick out the answers easily. After all, I know that you can do it.” She added with a smile and a wink.
“Thank you, councilor Starlight,” the filly said as her face brighten up, “I’m gonna go study right away.”
“Good luck on the test.” She said with a wave as the filly went out of her office door.
Alone once again, Starlight sighed in relief as she kicked back, propped her hind legs on the desk and levitated a cup of cocoa over to her. “Another satisfied student.” She said before taking a sip.
“That was really nice of you.”
She immediately spat out the hot chocolate when a sudden and unexpected voice spoke up. Spinning around, she found Celestia sitting in a corner of the room, also with a cup of hot cocoa in her hooves. “P-Princess?!” Starlight immediately got up and bowed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were coming. Is uh… Is everything okay?”
“For now, yes.” She nodded before she took a sip. “This is the first time I’ve seen you in action with your new job.”
Starlight blinked. “How long have you been sitting right there?”
“About five minutes, give or take.” Another sip. “I was kinda waiting for you to notice, but you were busy.”
“Oh.”
There was a pause.
“So… Can I help you with anything? Like do you need somepony to talk to?”
“Not really,” Celestia shook her head, “truth be told, I came here to do this.”
“Do what?” Starlight’s question was answered as she was for a split second surrounded by Celestia’s aura before it disappeared. Blinking, she felt something heavy on her head, along with an expensive dress. “Huh?” She lit up her horn to take off what was on her head – it was a silver crown with very large diamonds in it. “Princess?”
“By the power invested in me, bla, bla, bla, bla, I pronounce you Princess Starlight of School Counseling, long may you rule.” She smiled as she saw her shocked reaction. “So, I take it you approve?”
“I-I uh…” she looked down at the clothes she was wearing, “what?”
“You're welcome.” Celestia broadens her smile before she teleported away.
It took a good minute or two before Starlight decided what to do with her sudden and unexpected circumstance, “Welp, this will certainly upstage Twilight for sure. Better go in and rub this in her face.”
Sheriff Silverstar stretched his hindleg as he walked out in the warm Appaloosa morning. “Wow…” he said under his breath. “That was… Celestia Ah needed that.”
Braeburn walked out to the front porch with him. “Ah know,” he kissed his cheek, “Ah told ya Ah know what Ah’m doin’.”
“You can say that again.” The sheriff chuckled, his cheeks blushing. “Still, Ah owe ya fer… all of that.”
“Oh, nah, not you! Ya jus’ needed a favor is all and Ah happened ta be around,” he nuzzled him, “ya can come back here anytime ya want, sugar.”
Before Silverstar’s face could glow any redder, he began to trot off. “Ah gotta head off now, but you take care of yerself, ya hear?”
“Eh, same here gotta get these apples harvested before noon, but see ya around, hot stuff.” An embarrassed look and a swift gallop later, Braeburn chuckled. “See ya around.”
The yellow stallion turned his attention towards his orchard where he inspected which apples were ready. Breathing in the sweet, dry air of the fruits that brought a smile to his face. Despite what happened the previous night, he still had a spring in his step that he was looking forward to working his fields and the many other things he offered up to do.
However, he forced to stop when he heard the unmistakable sound of a crunch of an apple. Although looking around, he saw no one. “Hey! Is somepony here?” Another crunch in which his ears swiveled this way and that. “Who's here? C’mon, show yerself!” Then after hearing another crunch, he quickly located where it was coming from, as well as who was eating it.
On one of the sturdier branches of the tree, was Princess Celestia mindlessly gnawing away at an apple. “I hope I’m not intruding.” She said.
“Yer Highness?” Braeburn rubbed his eyes. “What the hay are ya doin’ in mah tree?”
“Watching,” she told him between bites, “and thinking.”
“Over what?”
“Well, that I couldn’t help but notice the kiss you gave, what I can guess is the town’s sheriff.” Braeburn froze. “And before you say anything, whatever happened inside your home is none of my business. Although, if I may ask you a personal question,” she took another bite, “are you two an item, or is it more friends with benefits sort of thing?”
“U-U-U-Uh…” Braeburn fidgeted uncomfortably. “Ah mean… Ah don’t exactly have an official coltfriend per-se and… well… Ah just… help the fellas out now and then, ya know? Not that they’re payin’ me, mind ya, more like… doin’ a favor of sorts.” He laughed just as anxiously.
“Ah, I see…” Celestia nodded. “Well, in that case…” Her horn flared up in which she put a golden crown that was fixed comfortably to his Stetson and placed a red cloak with white fur at the trim, all the while holding a golden apple. “By the power in me as Princess of Equestria, I Celestia hereby dub you, Braeburn Apple, Prince of Friend with Benefits.”
“Uhhh…”
She flew off the branch and landed in front of him. “Oh, and before I go…” she conjured up a quill and paper in which she jotted something down before placing it underneath his hat. “I have a nephew of mine that might benefit from your famous ‘favors.’” She winked. “Just showed that to the guards in Canterlot and they should take you up to introduce him to you. Have a good day.”
After she vanished, Braeburn dropped the golden apple and quickly took off his hat to see what the paper said. He gave a low whistle. “So, he’s inta fellas too… Huh, who knew.”
Despite being alone on the side face of a mountain, with the wind blowing and nothing with her except for a rock pick and a bucket, Maud didn’t mind the still quietness of her isolation. She wasn’t there because of the view behind her that no doubt would have inspired a fleet of a thousand inspiring landscape artists, but rather she could tell by the feel, color, and texture of the mountainside that caught her interests completely. It was because of that layer of the mountain that wasn't consistently as its neighbors, one where it stood out like a light color gash, a scar that compelled her to have a closer look.
She broke through the outer surface of the stone which gave way to the sedimentary lines of gray and white that were compressed together.
“Interesting.” She said to herself in her monotone voice. “For this metamorphic sediment to be so high up here.” Using the pick again, she proceeded to chip a couple of samples from the rock face. As she did so, her ears perked up a new sound among the wind and the ringing of her pick. She couldn’t make it out at first, but within a moment, it slowly became clearer and louder as the sound of singing with trumpets and harps. Not only that, but she noticed how the mountainside was becoming brighter.
Her curiosity made her turn around to the bright clouds that were hovering within reach. Not only the light became brighter, but she found the source of the heavenly music. The clouds had pegasi in white, flowing robes either playing their instruments or singing odes to all things light. And there, in the center of all this illumination was Celestia herself who was nearly outshone by the sun behind her.
Maud gazed at this, her face petrified in a stoic look.
Celestia descended from above like a goddess of light towards the ridge of the mountain while the angelic, pegasi choirs sing in vowels such as “Aaa,” or “Ooo.” The Sun Princess was hoping that somepony like Maud would be impressed by the gaudy majesty of her entrance. That it would inspire all who saw such sight awe and wonder. However, from the gray earth pony, all she could get out of her was blinking upon her unreadable expression. So, touching down on the side of the mountain, she held up a wing to shut the choir and band up.
“Greetings my little pony,” Celestia said with a smile.
Maud blinked again. “Hey.” She said, her voice sounding disinterested and bored.
There was a pause between the two mares.
“So…” Celestia began again, “What’s your name?”
“Maud.”
“Ah…” The alicorn nodded. “I see. And what are you doing now?”
“Field research. Looking into a geological phenomenon of having this pattern of metamorphic rock is far above sea level.”
“So… collecting rock samples.”
Another still moment.
“Well… I can work with that.” Celestia lit up her horn where Maud suddenly had a silver crown and a bejeweled rock pick. “By the yada, yada, yada within me, I dub thee Princess Maud of Rocks, long may she reign.”
The gray mare’s response, after slowly looking down at the glorified rock pick and taking the crown off her head, only said: “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Celestia opened up her wings. “Have a nice day.” And to that, the choir sang back up again as she ascended back into the clouds and the light. From there, the luminous clouds drifted away.
Maud went back to chipping away the mountainside.
Celestia finally was able to return to Canterlot Castle by the afternoon, and the first thing that she said as soon as she got back that cast a spell of dread to every palace staff and guard was: “I have a head-splitting headache, I think I need to lie down.”
Ever since then, the Sun Princess has retired to her room in which the entire palace waited. No court was called, no petitioner dared to enter within its walls, even the whiniest of nobles decided to leave the Royal family alone – out of mutual respect.
As evening drew close, Celestia called for most trusted staff and guards in which, one by one, they entered her chambers in which they were left alone with her for only a few minutes. When each one exited, they refuse to speak a word before exiting the palace. Then she called forth those she considered friends, from the friends of Princess Twilight to Discord, each one too entered and left without saying a word to anyone. By the time the sun was beginning to set on its horizon, she called for her family. First with Cadence and Shining, then Prince Blueblood, until finally, Luna was called for.
When the Princess of the Night approached the doors that lead to her sister’s chambers, she wasn’t exactly sure if her sister is still buying into the prank or she’s finally figured it out. But once she was inside its walls, she quickly deduced that it was most likely the former. She found her sister in her bed, her face scrunched up with an icepack on her head. Near her circular bed, the room was packed full of flowers that there was only a small trail between the door to where Celestia rested. The only ponies with her were the maids and Doctor Orange tending to her.
“Celestia?”
This got the older alicorn’s attention. “Lu, I want to speak to you.” She then turned to her servants and the doctor, telling them to give them privacy as she wanted to speak to her alone. They obeyed, leaving no one except for the two sisters. “Well… I had quite the week.” She joked weakly.
“So… is it true that you’ve gone around the country to dub random ponies as royalty?”
This got a laugh from her. “Well yes – but don’t worry, I didn’t turn them into real alicorns and I’ve made sure that I’ve altered the words so that it isn’t official. Of course, the crown and robes I gave were real, but their titles are fake.”
“Ah, good thinking.” Luna nodded as she approached the bed. “Tell me honestly how you are feeling now.”
“Doctor Orange told me that I will pass very early in the morning, so I will be most likely asleep by the time that happens. But as of now…” She took hold of the comforter over her. “I just… I wish I had more time.”
“Are you feeling scared?” Celestia nodded, and Luna got on the bed in which she opened a wing to drape over her. “Is there anything I can do?”
For a long, uncomfortable moment, her elder sister lay there in thought, as if choosing her next words carefully. Finally, she shook her head. “You have done more than enough. Up until this very week, I have never been able to live as if it were my last. And now… it’s happening… and I can’t do anything about it. But as I think, as I go to sleep tonight, I’ll look back to the, let’s face it, ludicrous things I was finally able to do. I have no more secrets to hide, got to be involved in a snowball fight while fighting a war in a day, pigged out on the finest and unique food I’ve eaten in a long time, lost my virginity to those I care and trusted the most, became a teenager for a night and did something truly crazy. How many ponies could brag in doing all of that in a matter of days?”
Luna smiled, “Do you regret doing all of that?”
Her sister snorted. “Buck no! If I could I would do that again and more. Still… I have you to thank. If you hadn’t come to me, I might still be here drowning in ice cream.” Celestia then took hold of her sister’s hoof. “Luna, I know this whole time you’re trying to put on a strong face for all of us. I know that deep down you’re trying to hold everything back. But I will say this – I do have faith in you. I never gave that up, despite what occurred between us over the years. You are a strong mare, full of courage and does everything in her power to make sure that her ponies may sleep peacefully each night. While I have to go, just remember that you are not alone in your responsibilities, nor alone in your grief. All I ask, don’t blame yourself when I pass away.”
The Night Princess scrounge up her face, trying very hard not to make a sound.
“Will you do that for me?”
Luna opened her eyes and calmly nodded. “It would be rude to refuse you.”
“Good…” Celestia nodded, adjusting her ice pack. “Is there anything you want to say to me? Anything at all?”
“I’m going to miss you.” Luna nodded, “We all will.”
To this, the Sun alicorn drew her sister into a hug and biding her farewell. Luna told her that she’ll visit her in her dreams tonight before she left the bedroom. Celestia’s maids and the doctor entered once again to tend to their princess. But then, from her bed, after she lowered the sun, she told them that it was time for her to sleep.
While the maids obeyed, Doctor Orange froze from where he stood. Celestia turned to look at him. “I don’t think I’ll be needing you from this point on. You have taken excellent care of me in the time we’ve known each other. But now, I release you, Doctor Orange Juice.”
But with a heavy conscience, he shook his head. “Princess… you must know that I-” She put a hoof to his lips and shushed him.
“Doctor,” Celestia said softly, “everything’s going to be alright. I promise.”
“B-But Your Majesty-”
“All will be well. Remember that,” she smiled, “all will be well. Now leave me be, it’s time for me to sleep.”
For a moment, the doctor wanted to tell her the truth right then and there, to let her know that he had been bribed by her sister and end this cruel joke. However, seeing that she won’t listen to him from that point, he gave a low bow, wished her good night and left the room.
Now alone, she closed her eyes and fell asleep with a smile on her face.
Luna was giddy. In the early hours of the morning, she pranced through the halls despite how dark everything was outside. She tried as best she could to hold in her near madding giggles and laughter as she skipped towards her sister’s chambers. Today was the day to finally put the final touch to her prank – and she can’t wait to see the look on her sister’s face.
As graceful as a panther and silent as her stars, she circumnavigated the guards, up the tower and slipped through the thin opening of the double doors into Celestia’s chambers. It was just as she left it. The flowers were still there, and her sister was in her bed. Although it was still very dark, she can make out her form as she hooftips to her bedside and waited.
Part of her wanted to wake Celestia up right there and then. But Luna knew that the timing must be exact, that it has to be at a critical moment to finally give that punchline to her joke. She has to wait for her to wake up.
And so she waited… and waited… but nothing happened.
Her internal clock said that her sister should be stirring awake at any moment. Knowing her, this would be the time for her to start getting up and raise the sun. And just to be sure, Luna had a watch on her in which confirmed that Celestia should have woken up about ten minutes ago.
‘That’s strange,’ she thought as she waited for her to move. ‘Is she sleeping in this time?’
She waited another ten minutes, but still, Celestia didn’t move. Luna then got the idea to have the curtains be opened and raise the sun herself. So after putting her moon down, she focused her energy to lift the sun up and over the horizon so that the morning light could flood in. But even with the brilliant light streaming in, the white alicorn still didn’t move.
“Sister?” Luna blinked. “It’s time for you to wake up.”
Nothing happened.
“Celestia? Hey, Celestia, it’s morning. You can wake up now.”
Nothing still.
Luna used a hoof to shake her shoulder. “Cel, get your enormous flank up, do you know what today it is?”
…
“Sister?”
‘Alright sister, you’ve got me good.’ Luna thought. ‘Everypony is convinced that you’re dead… you can wake up and laugh now.’
Although she hadn’t moved from her spot, right in front of her sister’s banana coffin, Celestia still hasn’t moved. Luna didn’t pay attention to the precession of ponies and digitalis that came to pay their respects and try to give sympathy to her. She paid no mind to the undoubtedly beautiful music that was being played or the sobbing of her subjects that were behind her. No, her entire attention was on her sister, laying down in a wedding gown. In her mind, given what day it was, this has to be a trick.
It had to be.
It gotta be just that, a tick.
“Princess?”
Luna waited for some kind of movement. A breath, a twitch, a pulse to indicate that this has to be fake.
“Your Majesty?” Her attention was snapped when she felt a tap of a hoof. Mass Grave stood next to her, inspecting the coffin and the occupant inside. “I believe they’re about to show your sister’s message soon.”
“Don’t you think we should fetch a doctor?”
The pail, scarecrow of a stallion tilted his head. “Pardon?”
“I mean… how do we know she’s really… you know.”
Mass glanced at the coffin. “She hasn’t moved at all since you found her.”
“My pet possum can hold still for a long period of time.”
“They’ve already checked her pause.”
“Maybe she’s breathing very slowly.”
“That, and she looks a little pale.”
“She’s always like that!” Luna snapped at him but quickly put a hoot to her mouth.
Mass Grave was wide-eyed for a moment before he closed them and took a deep breath. “Your Majesty, you must accept the fact that she isn’t waking up. She’s not going to.”
“But this is a trick!” she hissed. “Do you even know what today it is?”
He nodded. “Yes, I’ve very much aware. However, death never takes a holiday as it can claim anyone at any time.”
“She’s not dead!” Luna reached into the coffin, shaking her elder sister. “Celestia! Wake up!”
It was at that point the guards nearby decided to rush in.
“Princess Luna,” one of them called out, “you must calm down!”
“No! This is a prank! Can’t you see!” She felt the guard’s magic as they try to pry her off of her sister. “She’s figured it out! I was trying to prank her and she’s getting back at me! I’m telling you! She’s not dead!”
It took another half dozen guard to lift her off the ground. However, before they could carry her off, she used her own magic to fling them to different sides of the room before Luna started slapping Celestia several times. All the while crying along the lines of: “Sister! Wake up!”
Mass Grave shook his head, “The poor dear is in denial.” He muttered. However, he did come prepared as he brought out a blowgun and a box of tranquilizer darts. After loading a few into the pipe, he took in a deep breath and aimed it at Luna.
The Night Princess paused when she felt something sharp pitching her flank. A quick glance she found three darts impaled into her cutie mark before she felt the world go fuzzy and woozy. Then within a moment, her brain told her it was time to take a nap on Celestia.
Mr. Grave sighed as the guards carried the unconscious alicorn out of the room. “There’s always one…” he muttered.
Several hours later, after the funeral and the march to Celestia’s tomb, the royal family along with Princess Twilight and Discord was gathered together inside Luna’s study. At one end of the table, a wrinkled, sober stallion in a black suit with a briefcase sat down with them. He looked over to Luna, still wearing a veil and wide-eyed in shock. The lawyer cleared his throat to get her and the other’s attention.
“Sorry?” Luna snapped back to reality.
“I said my name is Fine Print, Celestia’s lawyer and legal representative.” His gray eyes scanned at the other individuals at the table. “Do any of you know why you were called here?”
“If you’re my aunt’s lawyer,” Blueblood said, “does that mean that you’re going to read out her will?”
He nodded. “That’s correct.” Print then open the latches of the briefcase where he pulled out a rather thin book that was held together with the royal seal. “My client specifically said that this will not be opened until all of you are present after the funeral in which she is placed inside her tomb. Now that has occurred, it’s now time for me to open this to read out what her final wishes are.”
They watched as he got out a letter opener in which he broke the seal to remove the ribbon and opened up the small book. He cleared his throat and began to read aloud: “‘I, Princess Celestia Everfree of Equestria, Guardian of the Sun, do hereby and officially give my inheritance, powers, and responsibilities as I here see fit.
“‘To Princess Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful, loyal, questionably sane and ex-wife, who has never tried to commit treason and instead became a heroine to Equestria, earned the title of Princess and who has not given up on her friends, students or the countless reformed villains – I hereby bequeath that she shall be given my private library with all the documents, diaries and secrets therein, my Phoenix Philomena, and the real origin story of where Spike actually came from which is included within my secret library.’”
Twilight blinked. “You mean she knew where Spike came from this whole time and she didn’t tell me!”
But the lawyer continued.
“‘To Ex-Lord of Chaos Discord and ex-husband, who although I am proud of how far he has come to reform his ways of trying to take over Equestria by turning it into Salvador Dali’s worst drunken, drug-induced nightmare. And while I still thank you for that night of passion in Las Pegasus, I do however feel sorry for stealing what was meant for Fluttershy. So, with that, bequeath an official apology written and signed by me, along with inheriting the animals in my private zoo to give as a present to your Fluttershy. At the same time, since I am still mad at you for turning Canterlot Castle into cheese, I also bequeath: a boot to the head.’”
Thus, from out of nowhere, a boot was delivered with a loud smack against Discord’s head. “Aww…” he said rubbing his forehead. “She really does care.”
“‘To Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, who currently have an alicorn foal of their own, I hereby bequeath to them a diaper factory and army of specially trained nannies to help assist Flurry Heart. At the same time, I also bequeath my private airship to the couple for both public and private use. However, be warned, I’ve placed a spell on that ship where if there’s so much a scratch on it, then it shall send one of you to the surface of the sun for a good solid minute.’”
The couple went silent as their stunned expression they glanced at each other.
“Maybe we could sell it?” Cadence suggested.
“Yeah, good idea.”
“‘And to Discord, a boot to the head.’”
Another boot was thrown at Discord, hard enough to knock him out of his seat.
“‘To Prince Blueblood, my nephew, whose effort in international peace between nations is commendable, but has so long stayed in the closet in which has broken the hearts and possibly necks of many mares, I bequeath him – a coltfriend. One in which I’ve chosen and should be here by Thursday. Also, just to give a heads up, you may want to wear a condom just in case.’”
Now all eyes were on Blueblood who was slack-jawed. “First, she knew that I’m gay this whole time, and now she got a coltfriend for me?” The lawyer nodded. “Who?”
Fine Print turned over a few pages. “It doesn’t really say. It just said that he’ll be here by Thursday and wear a condom. Anyway,” he flipped the page, "'To Discord, I bequeath not another boot to the head. But to have him put on these pants.'" Here the lawyer took out a pair of pants out from his briefcase and hoofed them over to Discord.
The Ex-Lord of Chaos blinked. "Huh... Odd request." He snapped his talons in which the pants were on him. "Although I must say that this is very loose."
"'Once he has put these on,'" Fine Print continued, "'I also leave him with a rabid Tasmanian devil to be placed in said pants.'" In one swift move, the lawyer lit up his horn where he teleported something inside those loose fitting pants where it made Discord dance out of the room.
“‘Finally, to my sister Luna, I leave you everything else including my kingdom, my armies, servants, guards, wealth and responsibilities to look after…’” he flipped to the next page. “‘For the next six months.’”
The room became quiet. “Huh?” Luna asked.
“‘If you want further details, look inside my coffin.’”
Everypony looked at one another before there was a mad dash out of Luna’s study towards the white marble monument of Celestia’s tomb. Pass the iron gate and a couple of booby traps, they reached into the burial chamber where it contained the banana coffin. Luna instantly flew open the lid, and her eye twitched. There was no body in the casket, except for a sticky note which read:
April Fool sister! Thanks for giving me the excuse of a well-deserved vacation!
Meanwhile on a beach where the sea was warm and the vegetation green, Celestia rested in a hammock swinging in the breeze, her aura holding onto a frozen mango smoothie in the shade of the palm trees.
“So… how did you know?”
“Hm?” She turned to her doctor, who too was resting in a similar fashion to her. “What was that?”
“I mean, how exactly did you know you weren’t dying?”
Celestia giggled, “You did. After all, you’ve already given me two important clues. The first was that you said eight days, which was April Fools. But the biggest clue you gave, was in the name of the disease. Mendacium, if my Pony Latin is correct, literally means ‘Lying.’ So, it was a matter of piecing together that my sister had something to do with it.”
“So, you’re not angry at me?”
“If I was, would I have you be brought here with us to have this extended vacation?”
“Good point…” Doctor Orange sipped on his smoothie. “And what of your sister? Wouldn’t she be angry that you’ve actually played along with her prank, only for you to disappear for six months?”
After humming in thought, Celestia said, “Nah, I’m sure she’ll be fine. This is what she gets for bribing you to try to convince me that I’m dying.” Another sip she added, “Happy April Fools, Luna.”
