Driving Miss Derpy

by Fly by Night

Chapter 1

“Come on mom! Come on come on come on you're such a slooooow poke!” the young foal chanted as she hopped and skipped down the nearly deserted street of midtown Ponyville.

“I'm coming already! Give your poor mom a break will you, little muffin? It’s been a long day already.” Derpy Hooves trotted along behind her energetic daughter, the blonde mailpony's grin betraying her stern words.

“We're almost there, you so won't believe it mom! I found it all by myself this morning and I didn't tell annnyone about it. Not even Miss Cheerilee!” Dinky shouted as she galloped on ahead, the little filly's hooves kicking up a small cloud of dust.

It had been like this since Derpy had picked her daughter up from the schoolhouse. Normally the little foal was happy to ride on her mother's back and talk about the day. Today however, she had practically torn Derpy's wing off trying to pull her down the road to whatever 'amazing discovery' she'd made that morning. Derpy sighed to herself, even as she smiled and followed her child around the corner of the Sugarcube Corner Bakery.

There was no trace of the delicious smells that usually wafted from the building. Mr. and Mrs. Cake had been out of town the last two weeks, and Pinkie Pie had closed the bakery the day after they left, claiming to have come down with a terrible case of the Party Pocks. Nopony knew exactly what that was, and nopony was overly eager to find out.

Rounding the corner of the silent bakery, Derpy saw her daughter bouncing up and down on all four hooves with manic excitement. She stood before a large, smoothly rectangular object that was shrouded completely under a heavy tarpaulin. With a flourish like a stagepony magician, the little unicorn bit one corner of the tarp and trotted back, pulling the heavy cloth from the shape beneath.

The thing revealed was alien. There was no other word for it. Derpy strained to focus her askew eyes on it, eventually settling for holding one closed with her hoof. The remaining open eye widened in disbelief. The thing her daughter had found … was there even a name for it? It was long, low and sleek. Everything about its strangely shiny skin and flowing shape suggested speed and power. It sat on four black, silver hubbed wheels. Its body was a brushed silver grey, rather similar to Derpy's own coat fur.

Two eye-like glass holes at the front of the thing, combined with the heavy metallic grill that separated them, gave it the impression of a twisted face snarling at the awestruck pegasus. Great glass windows were place at the front, back and sides of the things … head? Derpy had no idea how to even begin describing what she saw. Still, something urged her closer.

“See mom? Isn't this just awesome! I bet noponies ever seen one of these before, and I found it all by myself. Can we keep it? I think it's some kind of metal bear! Please can I can keep it mom, I promise to feed it and walk it and only let it eat the realllly mean girls at school!” Dinky babbled away, barely pausing to suck in quick breaths as her mother moved closer to the great discovery.

“I don't think it's a bear honey, I think it's a … I don't know, but it really is pretty isn't it?” Derpy said slowly, her voice dropping to an almost reverent whisper as she reached the side of the thing and held a hoof up to touch it.

The side of the thing opened, a great door swinging outward on hidden hinges. There was the immediate scent of new leather, metal and oil, intoxicating even as it made the pony's noses crinkle at the strangeness of it. Feeling as if she had no control over her own body, Derpy climbed up into the bizarre construct. The leather was cool under her flank as she slid into it, somehow knowing how to fit her body to a seat that had never been designed for a quadruped. She reached up with one hoof and touched the thin rimmed wheel protruding from a column under the things dashboard. The moment she made contact, everything changed.

“Mom? Mom are you ok?” Dinky asked nervously, something about the expression that came over her mother's face worried her deeply, “You look kind of funny. Should I go find help? I'll go find help! Just wait right here mom, I'll be right-”

“Yes baby muffin, momma's just fine. Get in, let me show you.” Derpy said in an odd tone as she leaned over and pushed the other door open.

Dinky slowly trotted around the body of the thing she had found, and worried. Her mother's voice was still the same as ever, but something was very, very different just under the surface. Climbing up into the beast, the little foal looked up at her mother, and regretted ever finding this ... whatever it was ... that had swallowed them both. Derpy reached across her daughter and pulled a strap down over the little foals shoulder with a slithering whisper sound. It clicked as the clasp at the end of the belt met its home and fastened tight, keeping Dinky pressed back against the supple seat.

There was another softly metallic click as Derpy touched part of the dashboard and a small compartment opened. From inside, she took out a pair of black glasses. A quick, practiced flick of her hoof made the glasses open up only seconds before she slid them onto her head, the dark lenses covering her eyes completely. The smile that crept across her mother's face was one Dinky had only seen once before, when Miss Cheerilee had been showing the class pictures of the most vicious carnivores of the Everfree Forest.

Derpy stroked the dashboard lovingly and brought her hoof back up to the wheel. With a roar like an escaped Cerberus, the thing came to life. It rumbled and vibrated with pure, barely restrained power as Derpy pressed down on a floor pedal. She turned to look down at her daughter and smiled that predatory smile again. Gripping the wheel in her hooves, Derpy gunned the engine, making the beast growl louder still. With heart stopping acceleration, it lurched forward in a shrieking squeal of rubber and thrown dirt. The only thing louder than the beast, was the sound of Derpy's manic laughter.

Dinky felt herself thrown against the seat-belt, the seat, the door and very nearly the ceiling of the beast as her mother send it skidding around the exit of the ally it had lain hidden in. Out on the main street, a few ponies stared in horrified awe as the beast exploded out of its lair and tore across the road. Derpy hauled over on the wheel and sent the beast spinning back toward the bakery.

“Mom! Noooo!!”

Dinky squeezed her eyes shut tight as the beast bore down on the colourful cupcake styled entrance of the bakery, and went through it with barely an effort. Wood and plaster flew in all directions as they plowed through. When Dinky opened her eyes again, it was to the dizzying sight of the bakery's bright and cheerful interior whipping around and around as the beast spun in tight circles, tires smoking and squealing in protest.

“Fresh doughnut delivery!! Get ‘em while they're hot!' Derpy shouted from the beast's open window, her blonde mane flying out like a tangled blonde whip.

After thirteen such spins, a full bakers dozen, Derpy guided the beast back out onto the street. More ponies had gathered, some to watch, some to try and stop the madness, and some who simply found themselves in the middle of it all while they tried to do their shopping. Derpy gunned the throttle again and aimed the beast down the middle of the suddenly empty street. The beast tore up the hard packed earth, its black wheels digging like claws into the ground and tossing dirt, stones and the occasional unlucky roadside bush high into the air.

Derpy leaned back in the deep leather seat, gripping the wheel with one hoof while the other rested along the edge of the beast's open window. The dangerous smile flashed across her face again as the beast swerved off the road and into a sunlit field. Beautiful, bright flowers were flattened under the spinning wheels, though some were lucky enough to be caught in the beast's grill, giving the metallic snarling face a somewhat festive look.

“Mom … mom that's a barn! That's barn mom!” Dinky howled as the beast flew over the ground toward Sweet Apple Acres. “Mom! Barn! MOMMMM!””

There was the sound of smashing boards and timber as the beast dived through the quaint red building. Hay, apples and one quite surprised cow, went tumbling through the air as the beast passed. Dinky huddled down in her seat and covered her eyes with her hooves. She heard the beast roar, and her mother's answering exaltant laugh. Next came the groan of tortured wood and the sound of a hundred chickens hell bent for freedom. The beast cleared the barn and leapt forward into the summer field again, feathers and hay showering off its metallic body.

“Mom … that was a barn.”

“Yes it was baby muffin. And what is it now?” Derpy asked sweetly as she plucked a long slender reed of straw from the window molding and held it between her teeth.

“Ummm, a very unlikely insurance claim?” the little foal answered, her voice barely a squeak.

“That's my filly!” Derpy said with pride, reaching over to lovingly ruffle the little unicorn's mane.

The beast continued across the picturesque grassy countryside, leaving deep gouged tracks torn into the rich soil. Suddenly the roaring of the beast's engine dropped to a purr, and its fearsome tires slowed to an almost sedate roll. Derpy sat up tall in the seat and reached up to raise her sunglasses. There, ahead of them, laying peacefully as a newborn foal was Rainbow Dash, the speedster pegasus indulging in yet another nap. Derpy smiled and lowered her shades again.

Pressing the center of the steering wheel, Derpy ground her hoof into the horn, sending a blast wave of sound across the field, making the innocently sleeping Rainbow Dash leap a into the air in wild panic. Waiting until the started pegasus was looking in their direction, Derpy leaned out the beast's window and shouted:

“Hiya RD! Think you can go from zero to a hundred in ten seconds flat?”

Slowly Derpy revved the beast's engine, letting its rear wheels spin against the soft soil beneath them. She kept the beast in check, not letting it move forward just yet.

“Derpy? What the .. what the hay are you doing you featherbrain!” Rainbow Dash shouted back at them.

Derpy chewed on her length of straw before answering. “I said ... Do you think you can go from zero to a hundred in ten seconds flat? Because I CAN!”

With that, the beast surged forward again, covering the distance between them with astonishing speed. Yelping, Rainbow Dash frantically rose into the air on her wings, but not fast enough. The beast's long metal aerial caught Rainbow Dash like a scoop and bent under her weight as the beast drove forward. Derpy slammed on the brakes, launching the flailing and flapping pegasus into the air like a stone from a catapult with a strangely comical wong-wong-wong sound of whipping metal.

Dinky pawed her hoof desperately against the door, trying to escape the beast while it was stopped. Before she could figure out how to get it open however, her mother laughed once more and let the beast race. Blue feathers now added to the colourful decorations covering the beast's grill and sleek metal body as it roared across the field. Up ahead, the dark and forbidding edge of the Everfree Forest came into view. Near it stood the ramshackle cottage.

As the they neared, small animals of every description scurried in all directions, terrified and driven to panic by the beast's throaty growl. Fluttershy came bolting from her cottage, nearly as panicked as the woodland creatures that ran blindly beneath her. Derpy slowed the beast, guiding it in a slow rolling creep until they were near the trembling pegasus. Fluttershy rose on her wings, anger overcoming her normally timid nature as she flapped over to sun warmed metal body of the beast.

“I don’t know what you think you're doing, but this is simply not acceptable! Do you hear me in there? You do to race around, scaring all my little friends and turning their beautiful flowers into mulch! Have I made myself clear?” she said sternly, glaring with the full force of her ire at Derpy.

Derpy smiled, tilting her head up to meet Fluttershy's powerful stare. A stare that had been known to undo fearsome monsters and even quiet the rebellious Cutie Mark Crusaders. Derpy chewed a final time on her straw stalk before spitting it out. It bounced off the enraged Fluttershy's muzzle and was caught by the wind to be whisked away. The blonde pony's dark glasses reflected the indignant stare being leveled at her. In the other seat, the quivering form of Dinky moaned quietly to herself and tried to lean out of the way of Fluttershy's laser-like gaze.

“You really do love animals don't you Flutterbabe?” Derpy asked gently, her hooves slowly caressing the curved leather of the steering wheel.

“Oh course I do! I love all animals from the smallest shrew to the biggest bear. That's why I can't let you just tear up -”

Derpy reached up, lowering her shades again before interrupting in a low menacing growl, “Cause you see, I have 500 horses under the hood here. Wanna meet em?”

Fluttershy looked into the eyes of the beast's owner, and barely managed a strangled squeak of fear. Moving with amazing speed, she zipped back and forth across the grass and trees around her cottage in a yellow and pink blur. Her hooves scooped up one terrified chittering critter after another and launched them like fuzzy softballs toward the open door of her home. One after another cute woodland creature was picked up and sent flying through the air by a frantic Fluttershy until the entire clearing was … cleared. Panting and barely able to stay aloft, she took one last look at Derpy and flew full speed into her home, slamming the door behind her. The sound of frantic hammering came from within moments later.

Derpy slid her sunglasses back up along her muzzle and let the beast off its leash. Dirt, leaves and gravel showered the cottage as the beast dug its tires in and sped away. She and Dinky drove along the winding path that followed the outer edge of the Everfree Forest without daring to enter it. There were some things that scared even the beast. Instead, they continued along until they reached the outskirts of Ponyville. The endless road stretched out before them and the sky was painted in the sublime indigo of early twilight.

She reined the beast in, making it skid to a heart lurching stop with a crunch of gravel. Speaking of twilight ... One last pony had decided to stand between Derpy and the freedom ahead. Twilight Sparkle was in the middle of the dirt packed street, her pink streaked purple mane almost fluorescent under the last rays of sunlight. Atop the powerful unicorn's head was perched a golden and gemmed tiara.

“I don't know what in the world has gotten into you two, but it stops here! I don't want to you hurt you, but I can't let this … thing you've let loose continue to destroy Ponyville.” Twilight shouted against the suddenly chill wind that blew across the darkening sky.

“Oh no no no no mom! Please, please let's just get out and run away? I'm sure they'll all forgive us and everything will be fine. It was kind of fun … well mostly it was really scary … but it was kind of fun too, doing all this with you today, but that's Twilight Sparkle! She’s the Element of Magic! It took down Discord and even Nightmare Moon. Please mommy, let's just stop now.” Ditzy pleaded, leaning over to grip her mother's foreleg in her tiny hooves.

Derpy smiled down at her daughter. It was her own smile, the one Dinky had known and loved all her young life.

“If it's what you really want, my little muffin, we'll stop. We'll get out and ask for everyone to forgive us.” she said softly, and raised her head to look forward, “But Equestria is a big world, and we could see it all. You and me little muffin. It’s all out there in front of us.”

Dinky looked from her mother's face to the open road ahead of them. She felt the rumbling of the beast and the power it held, the power to take them anywhere, to take them everywhere. Twilight stood before them still, the unicorn's eyes flashing pure white as she gathered her powerful magic and rose slowly into the air.

“Show me the world mommy. Let's see it all!” the little foal said, punching her hoof into the air with excitement.

“That's my filly! Miss Sparkle isn't the only one with an Element you know.” Derpy said as she took the sunglasses from her head and slowly placed them on her daughter's. “Your mom's got one too. It's called Halogen.”

Twilight ascended on the streams of her power, summoning the tremendous magical energy needed to subdue the beast. The darkness around her was suddenly eradicated in a blaze of incandescent light that stabbed out from the beast's eyes. Twilight squeaked in stunned shock as the light blinded her and left her reeling. She stumbled drunkenly back and forth across the road for a few moments before wandering headfirst into a very solid roadside tree. Bewildered, blinded and beaten, the protege of Celestia went down like a sack of doorknobs and lay sleeping the peaceful sleep of the slightly concussed.

“Where do we go first mom?” Dinky asked, grinning as she wriggled in her seat.

“Anywhere we want, baby muffin, anywhere we want.”

The beast roared down the road into the night, its machine howl no match for the mingled laughter of its masters.

***

Dinky finished reading, and looked up from the pages she clutched tightly in her hooves. Miss Cheerilee sighed deeply and brought her head up from where she had been lightly banging it against the desktop.

“Dinky Hooves … that is not what you did on your summer vacation! Take your seat young filly, and we'll have a long talk about his after class.”

The little unicorn bowed her head and nodded, slowly dragging herself back to her desk. She looked up at her classmates, waiting for the teasing and laughter to start. A dozen tiny pairs of wide awestruck eyes greeted her. Every little pony in the class was enthralled and smiling. For her! She blushed deeply as she wriggled into her seat.

Her friend Pipsqueak leaned over and whispered, “Woah, that was awwwesome!”

She might be in trouble, but for the rest of the year she knew she'd be the class hero. So what if nopony believed her. It was still a good story. She grinned as she slipped the pages back into her schoolbags, letting them rest next to a few blue feathers and a battered pair of dark sunglasses.

End

Comments

[Dusty Sage]

By the beard of Starswirl, it's a pony car!

This was seriously great fun.

[Hotaru Lind]

1000741
Yeah everyone needs to roll 3d20 for pun damage.

Still I thought it quite funny.

[TheEPICpony]

Holy luna what did i just read

[Fly by Night]

1000741 Thanks, that's what I was trying for!

1000809 I'm not sure ... did you get the license number?

[JohnnyTsunami]

because of that title I read the whole thing in Morgan Freeman's voice.
thank you.

[Rawrtastic]

Solid story!

[Rask]

"Ummm, a very unlikely insurance claim?"
Best quote I have seen.
This was a good day to read a story.

[Campi the Bat]

What, no toggle switch to engage the blower?

[SuchAFoal]

Truely a great read . I can't wait to read your next tale If you every need any help again don't hesitate to ask.

[Fly by Night]

1000892
Everything should be read in Morgan Freeman's voice! I would listen to the list of ingredients in Corn Flakes if he were narrating it!

1001050
thankee

1001284
Hopefully 'Wall eyed maniac pony driven car' wasn't covered under Act of God.

1001368
It was an optional extra?

1001473
Thanks again for the proofread! I've actually got another story done, but I'm giving it a little polish and filling in a few plot holes before publishing.

[SuchAFoal]

1002035 looking forward to it

[Wyvern713]

Whoa that was intense!

[Fly by Night]

1012049 Honestly, I really didn't mean for it to come out quite the way it did. But once was behind the wheel, she took over the story and there was nothing I could do about it.

[Wyvern713]

1013545 I liked the intenseness of it! Unexpected, but well done! Almost had a Sixth Sense quality to it with that "It's been such-and-such the whole time?" feel.

[Fly by Night]

1015716 Thank you for the compliment!
I really wasn't sure how to end it. It was either going to be 'was it all made up by Dinky?', or 'Screw it, I'll just have Celestia chase them out of town in her monster truck.'.

[Wyvern713]

1015809 "'Screw it, I'll just have Celestia chase them out of town in her monster truck.'. " That would've been funny too!

[Fly by Night]

1015896 It would have been ... but after how weirdly mean parts of the story got, I decided I wanted to end it on a slightly more upbeat and 'nice' ending. Cause I'm kind of a huge wuss that way

[Wyvern713]

1015964 Fair enough.

[Karkadinn]

What's really nice about this story is that it gets dark, but then balances it out with the comedy and especially the canon-friendly ending, keeping a perfect center between the two. It's a short but furious little ride for characters and audience both, and would even fit terrifically into the real series as one of those wacky one-off 'what if?' type of plotlines.

I clicked this at first purely because the title pun made me lol. I was expecting an ENTIRELY different kind of fic where you actually did a comedic-dramatic race relations parody thing. ;) But what I got instead made me lol more, just in a different way than I was expecting!

...only problem is, now where do I find the race relations parody fic your title now made me crave?!

[Fly by Night]

1042031 Thank you so much for the very kind compliments! Honestly, when I started out writing it, I had slightly different tone and style in mind. It just didn't end up that way. I blame Derpy for this ...

Hmm, I don't know where you'd find a proper racial tension and struggle fic, but my hunch would be there's probably a lot on the theme in the war and history type stories. After all, it's cannon lore that there was a time when the three pony species were totally segregated from each other.

[SpiritOfDancingFlames]

Okay, that was Awesome! Actually, about... oh... 20% cooler than any other fic I've read before ^-^

[TheIronPone035]

Read this while listening to Eurobeat and imagined the car being the AE86 from Initial D,
Awesome...

[Lover Of Muffins]

This cries out for a sequel