Fluttershy has been keeping a secret from Rarity for some time, but after a conversation with Twilight she finally decides to share it. Unfortunately things don't always go as planned, and someponies are better at dealing with that than others.
Rated Teen and has the Sex tag, but that is me being very cautious. Contains only a few slightly sexual references.
Contains plenty of references to lesbian relationships if that isn't your cup of tea.
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erm... Season 1, Episode 20: Green Isn't Your Color. The subplot of the episode is that Twilight is trying to keep Fluttershy's secret from Rarity and vice versa. This is where "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye" comes from.
Fluttershy is completely naked as this scene plays out. Human notions of risqué nudity do not apply in MLP except very occasionally as a gag or a joke. If that was what was intended it went over my head.
The pacing on this story felt far too fast, and there were a lot of scene transitions that take place in the middle of paragraphs. There wasn't any time to get a full understanding of Fluttershy's mental state, as the plot was rocketing on through to the end. What about Rarity made her develop feelings, what were her exact fears? I personally wanted to see what was going on in the character's heads more, and not just their actions.
For that matter, I was surprised at the actions of a number of characters. Rarity allowing and even encouraging Fluttershy to leave immediately after having to break her heart? I feel that she would have tried to convince her to stay, or at the very least would have given her a hug. She understands how much it hurts to be rejected, and when Fluttershy specifically mentions that she had been keeping it a secret out off fear of losing her as a friend that should have set off alarm bells for Ms. Generosity that her friend was in dire need of reassurance and compassion. Setting her up on a date while she is in a state of depression is also, quite possibly, the worst thing to do. Fluttershy is in desperate need of her friends here and really needs to talk long and hard with Rarity to understand that their friendship is not going to disappear. Perhaps eventually this would be a nice thing to do, to help her feel like she is capable of finding romantic love, but right now it's likely she would be dragging herself through any public outing.
Twilight feels even worse here. I know she has a tendency to occasionally put her hoof in her mouth, but a lot of her comments felt abrasive and pushy. She coerces Fluttershy into telling Rarity, something that should be entirely Fluttershy's choice. Immediately after learning that she likes Rarity Twilight brings up Rarity looking at various guys in town. That's Rainbow Dash levels of tactlessness, or possibly worse.
Biggest takeaways: Give things more time to develop, try to frequently ask yourself "Knowing what I know from the series, would this character act this way in this situation?"
Felt like it was a story set on fast forward but aside from that a nice heartwarming tale noiice.
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Thanks for the feedback. That is a big flaw of mine I've been attempting to correct. I'm trying to avoid useless bulk (overly long descriptions of scenery and such) but at the same time my stories are far too lean. Too many lines are dialogue, or quick actions, with not enough scene setting or insight into the characters' thoughts.
9032502
Ah, good point, I forgot that was a Fluttershy -> Twilight secret.
As for the "nudity" part, I thought of that, but the way it made sense to me is that in the human world a skimpy dress is still considered more risque than a swimsuit that covers far less. So when Coco wears a dress that specifically doesn't cover much, it purposefully calls attention to the parts it doesn't cover.
About the pacing, you're right, and I've been trying to work on it. I know it's incredibly rapid, but thank you for putting a description on it, I think getting in the characters' heads is a big part I've been missing.
Rarity let her leave to make it less awkward for Fluttershy. I suppose it varies from person to person, but when I do something very embarrassing I'd rather just disappear quickly than have people talk me through it. Later on is when I'd prefer to talk.
As for dragging her out on a date, it's definitely debatable, and I'm not a psychologist. What I will say though is that having been through severe depression before, talking it out does not always work. You can rationalize strange fears, and what tends to help is doing something enjoyable to get yourself out of negative experience avoidance. While a date may seem extreme and forced, I'd like to think dates are a little more casual in the MLP world, and not immediately associated with "going out" with someone as a label like it is in the US at least. On top of that, Fluttershy was barely even willing to sit there while Twilight talked, there's no way she was going to talk to Rarity. It was definitely too fast though, narratively and even realistically, although like I said, pacing is a big issue for me. This probably should have been three chapters, one of falling for Rarity, one where she tells her and gets her heart broken, and then one about recovery, with a time skip after which she goes out on a date.
I do try to think what the characters would do in editing, but when I write I just go with my subconscious interpretation of each character as to not break flow.
Thank you for the critique, it has been helpful and I will keep it in mind while fixing my pacing issues.