The Confession
“I think that's the last one,” said Twilight, as she magically lifted a bird's nest into a tree.
“Thank you so much Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “After that windstorm I was worried these little guys would abandon their eggs before I could put all their nests back.”
“I'm always happy to help at five in the morning,” said Twilight. Some strands of hair in her mane were out of place, and she had bags under her eyes.
“Is it that early? Oh my, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. The birds will appreciate it forever though, you really saved them.”
“My royal constituents,” said Twilight, bowing in the direction of the birds.
Fluttershy seemed to miss the sarcasm. “Would you like some tea to help you wake up?”
Twilight stared into the distance for a while.
“Twilight, are you okay?”
“What?”
“You looked like you were falling asleep.”
“Oh, sorry, tea would be nice, thanks.”
When their tea was ready, they sat at a small wooden table in Fluttershy's front room and chatted as they drank.
“It's been a long time since we've had tea together,” said Fluttershy. “Normally I'm just brewing for one.”
Twilight smirked. “You know, you could brew for two if you finally found a boyfriend.”
Fluttershy blushed. “I don't think so.”
“Oh come on, surely you have your eye on somepony. Who is it? Joe? Big Macintosh?”
“Neither of those two, no. Twilight, can I tell you a secret?”
Twilight looked confused. “Of course you can. That's the whole point of girl talk according to one of my books.”
“It's, umm, not a stallion.”
“Ah, I see,” said Twilight. “A dragon? A zebra?”
“No, it's...a mare.”
“Ohoho,” said Twilight, almost salivating over this juicy new secret. “Anypony I know?”
Fluttershy blushed and shrank back into her chair.
“Oh come on Fluttershy, how long have we known each other? Have I ever spoiled a secret?”
“I haven't told you a secret before.”
Twilight thought about this for a minute. “Yeah, I guess that's true, you aren't exactly a font of gossip. I promise I'll never tell anypony though. Stick a cupcake in my eye and all that.”
“It's...” and Fluttershy mumbled something imperceptibly quiet.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “A little louder please, I'm not a scared bunny Fluttershy.”
“Rarity,” Fluttershy squeaked, wincing as if she were in pain.
Twilight looked shocked, but the expression quickly morphed into a sly grin.
“I bet that makes your weekly spa visits a lot more enjoyable,” said Twilight.
Fluttershy looked mortified. “I never even thought about it like that. Oh my goodness, I'm such a bad pony, I can't believe I took advantage of her friendship.”
“Whoa, calm down Fluttershy. I was just joking. Rarity isn't a saint either, I've seen her take long enough looks at Big Macintosh without him knowing.”
“That's part of the problem,” said Fluttershy, calming down a little. “I don't think she even likes mares, she's always talking about stallions. It's kind of hard to listen to.”
“I'm sorry Fluttershy. You know, she wouldn't bring it up in front of you if you told her how you felt though.”
“She'd never talk to me again either. I've thought about saying something, but if she doesn't like mares, things would be awkward between us forever. Even if she does like mares, if she doesn't like me, it would change everything.”
“I know it's hard, but you really should tell Rarity. I mentioned the spa thing as a joke, but with how much you two hang out it is kind of weird not to tell her. She's probably confiding things in you as a friend that she wouldn't tell a suitor.”
Fluttershy's put her head down on the table and started crying.
“Oh, Fluttershy, no I didn't mean it like that. I know you didn't do anything on purpose.”
Fluttershy sniffled and tried to compose herself. “No, you're right Twilight. I can't... I can't keep hiding this from her.
Twilight put a hoof around Fluttershy's shoulder. “I knew you'd do the right thing. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. And if you need a shoulder to cry on after, well, I'm getting used to it.”
Fluttershy laughed, although tears were still rolling down her face.
Later that day, Fluttershy walked through town to Rarity's house. She saw fillies and colts running around playing, and envied how lighthearted they could be. As I possibly end one of my friendships she thought to herself.
Fluttershy knocked on the door of the boutique, and secretly hoped that nobody would answer.
“Oh hello darling,” came the response, dashing her hopes.
“Hello Rarity,” said Fluttershy. “Is it okay if I come inside? There's something I was hoping to talk you about.”
“Of course dear, come on in.”
They sat around the coffee table and Rarity brought out some thin cookies for them to snack on.
“So what's on your mind Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy started to panic. It had seemed like the right thing to do, but now that she was actually here in the moment of truth...maybe it wouldn't be so bad to keep it secret? Her face felt hot and she pretended to cough to buy another moment of time.
“Whatever it is Fluttershy, I'm sure I'll understand. That's what friends are for.”
Fluttershy's heart sunk. That's what friends are for. She had to tell her.
“Rarity, I... I like you as more than a friend. I didn't want to say anything and put our friendship at risk, but it isn't fair of me to not say anything. And now that I'm saying it, I really want to know if you like me that way too.”
Rarity didn't say anything for a moment, and Fluttershy felt like her heart had stopped, but finally Rarity gave a warm smile.
“Oh Fluttershy, I wouldn't let something like that ruin our friendship. I care about you too much for that. But,” Rarity's smile turned bittersweet. “It wouldn't work out between us. I'm very different romantically than I am as a friend. I think we would both want things the other couldn't offer. I'm so sorry Fluttershy.”
Flutershy was on the verge of tears, but she managed to hold herself together.
“That's alright. I'm– I'm sure you're right, that it wouldn't work out. If you'll excuse me though, I have some things I should really get to.”
“Of course dear,” said Rarity softly, and she led Fluttershy to the door and they said their goodbyes.
Rarity nibbled on one of the cookies as she thought about what had transpired. She wanted to believe that Fluttershy would be fine, that there was nothing else she could do. But it's Fluttershy she reminded herself.
A few minutes Rarity knocked on Twilights door. Twilight popped her head out, looking as disheveled as she had earlier in the day.
“Hello Rarity. We didn't have any plans, did we?”
“No dear, I was just hoping you had a minute to talk.”
“It's about Fluttershy, isn't it?”
“How did you know?”
“Because even though I have no idea what I'm doing, everypony comes to me for this type of thing.”
Rarity chuckled despite her worries. “I'm guessing that means you gave her a little push this morning.”
“Guilty as charged. Come on in, I don't have any tea or anything, but Spike's off with Applebloom so at least we don't have to keep our voices down.”
Twilight sat in a reading chair, and Rarity tried to make herself comfortable on a rather ugly couch. She explained everything that had transpired to Twilight, who nodded softly and looked pensive.
Rarity finished explaining, and added in “I would check on her myself, but I'm probably the last pony she wants to see right now.”
“And you want me to check on her.”
“Would you?”
Twilight frowned and looked at the book that sat on the nightstand next to her chair, then over to Rarity, then back over to the book, then finally, after a long delay, back up to Rarity.
“Alright, I'll check on her.”
“Thank you Twilight,” she said, giving her a hug before walking out.
When Rarity left, Twilight took one more glance at her book, sighed, and then disappeared with a “pop”.
She was outside Fluttershy's cottage once again. The yard seemed cheery enough, birds were chirping and squirrels were frolicking about, but Twilight guessed that things were very different inside.
She knocked on the door, and waited a few moments. She knocked again.
“I know you're in there Fluttershy,” she called out loudly.
Twilight walked around the house to yell the same words in each window.
“And I respect your privacy too much to force my way in, but that won't stop me from bothering you until you answer.”
Finally the front door opened, and Fluttershy's tear-streaked face appeared behind it.
“Sorry about that,” said Twilight. “But I had to make sure you're okay.”
“I'm not okay,” said Fluttershy, who retreated back into her house without closing the door. Twilight took this as an invitation to follow her inside, as flimsy and probably not legally-binding it was.
Fluttershy walked over to the couch like a zombie and plopped herself down face first. Twilight felt worried, as normally Fluttershy cried excessively and then returned mostly to normal by the end of it. This, however, looked more like actual depression.
“I'm sorry things didn't go well with Rarity, Fluttershy, but she isn't mad at you or anything like that. I'm sure you'll still be good friends.”
Fluttershy didn't answer, her face was still pressed against the couch. Twilight worried that she might be out of her depth here. She could ask Pinkie, but she was probably too abrasive to help someone as fragile as Fluttershy. Rainbow dash, no. Applejack might have worked, but Twilight was concerned she might have some back-water view about Fluttershy being lesbian. She decided to just do what she could and recoup with Rarity.
“It's okay for you to be sad Fluttershy, I just want to check in every once in a while and make sure you're getting better. If I can get a hug for today I'll leave you alone.”
Fluttershy slumped back up onto her flank and responded limply to Twilight's hug.
“Thank you Fluttershy, and please come over if you need anything.”
Fluttershy nodded weakly and Twilight left.
Twilight met with Rarity once more, who saw Twilight's look of disappointment and let her in immediately.
“How bad is it?”
“Not good. Ideally she would have entered an active sadness state by now. You know, crying, thinking of times you spent together, worrying, and then once that was over she could get better. She seems to be avoiding the pain instead which isn't healthy. With a personality like hers she could easily become secluded to avoid future pain.”
“Is there anything we can do?”
“I'd like to leave her alone for today, but tomorrow we should get her back into things, I don't want to give her time to build up walls.”
“Get her back into things?” asked Rarity. “I think that just gave me an idea. Twilight, I need to go send a telegram.”
Twilight knocked on Fluttershy's door the next morning, and was ignored once again.
“It's Twilight.” she called out loudly.
Fluttershy opened the door almost immediately, likely to avoid a repeat of yesterday's yelling, and held her hoof out feebly for a hug.
“I'm afraid a hug isn't enough to get rid of me today.”
Fluttershy's blank expression slipped into a frown.
“You see, I brought a guest today who wants to talk to you.”
Fluttershy's eyes widened in horror and she started to stammer.
“D-don't let them in, I–” she looked back into her messy livingroom nervously.
“Don't worry,” said Twilight. “They just want to take you out to lunch, you don't have to clean up.”
Fluttershy's expression blanked once again, and she looked at the floor.
“I don't want to go out today. Tell them that I'm sorry, but I didn't sign up for lunch.”
“I thought you'd say that, which is why I'm willing to cut you a deal. If you have lunch with them right now, I will stop showing up every day to bother you. If you don't, I'll start coming around yelling even more.”
Fluttershy glared at her, but seemed to lack the energy to be angry.
“Fine. One outing. That's all.”
“Perfect.” said Twilight, and then she blinked out of existence.
Fluttershy peeked past the door, and was surprised to see the mare who stood there.
“Hey Fluttershy,” said Coco Pommel, straining to see Fluttershy's face through the door.
Coco was wearing a summer outfit that Fluttershy hadn't seen before. It was classy, but still showed more than Fluttershy would be willing to show.
“Hello Coco. I like your outfit. It's, um, cute.”
Coco beamed. “Thanks. I was hoping you'd like it.”
Fluttershy blushed. “So where are we going for lunch?”
“It's a place up in Canterlot called Le Sucre Volant. I hope you don't mind a short ride.”
“The Le Sucre Volant?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yup. You'll like it, I promise.”
“But it's so expensive.”
“Don't worry, I'm paying.”
“Oh no, I couldn't ask you to spend that much on me.”
Coco winked. “What's the point of working my flank off if I can't spend the money to impress a cute mare?”
This was too much for Fluttershy to process. A date? She thought Twilight was just trying to get her out of the house. Not that Coco wasn't beautiful, but... and Le Sucre Valont? Fluttershy stammered for lack of words.
“Please?” asked Coco.
“I- I guess I could. Thank you,” said Fluttershy, not wanting to offend Coco.
“Perfect,” said Coco, taking Fluttershy's hoof in her own. “Then let's go, we don't want to miss the train.”
The next morning, Rarity heard a knock on her door.
“Yes, yes,” she said, undoing the bolt from the night before. “Who is it?”
“It's, um, me.”
“Fluttershy!” Rarity half-yelled in excitement. “I'm so glad to see you're out of your house again.”
Fluttershy smiled meekly. “Sorry about making you worry.”
“Not at all dear!” said Rarity, pulling Fluttershy inside her boutique. “So, I take it the date went well?”
Fluttershy blushed. “Twilight told you about that?”
Rarity tried to conceal a grin. “Well, it erm, may have kind of been my idea.”
Fluttershy giggled. “It went well.”
“Hold on, I'll make us some tea. But when I get back I want all the dirty details.”
Fluttershy just smiled. All the worries about whether they could be friends again melted away. They were chatting like nothing had ever happened, and for the millionth time in her life, Fluttershy was thankful to have such good friends.
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erm... Season 1, Episode 20: Green Isn't Your Color. The subplot of the episode is that Twilight is trying to keep Fluttershy's secret from Rarity and vice versa. This is where "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye" comes from.
Fluttershy is completely naked as this scene plays out. Human notions of risqué nudity do not apply in MLP except very occasionally as a gag or a joke. If that was what was intended it went over my head.
The pacing on this story felt far too fast, and there were a lot of scene transitions that take place in the middle of paragraphs. There wasn't any time to get a full understanding of Fluttershy's mental state, as the plot was rocketing on through to the end. What about Rarity made her develop feelings, what were her exact fears? I personally wanted to see what was going on in the character's heads more, and not just their actions.
For that matter, I was surprised at the actions of a number of characters. Rarity allowing and even encouraging Fluttershy to leave immediately after having to break her heart? I feel that she would have tried to convince her to stay, or at the very least would have given her a hug. She understands how much it hurts to be rejected, and when Fluttershy specifically mentions that she had been keeping it a secret out off fear of losing her as a friend that should have set off alarm bells for Ms. Generosity that her friend was in dire need of reassurance and compassion. Setting her up on a date while she is in a state of depression is also, quite possibly, the worst thing to do. Fluttershy is in desperate need of her friends here and really needs to talk long and hard with Rarity to understand that their friendship is not going to disappear. Perhaps eventually this would be a nice thing to do, to help her feel like she is capable of finding romantic love, but right now it's likely she would be dragging herself through any public outing.
Twilight feels even worse here. I know she has a tendency to occasionally put her hoof in her mouth, but a lot of her comments felt abrasive and pushy. She coerces Fluttershy into telling Rarity, something that should be entirely Fluttershy's choice. Immediately after learning that she likes Rarity Twilight brings up Rarity looking at various guys in town. That's Rainbow Dash levels of tactlessness, or possibly worse.
Biggest takeaways: Give things more time to develop, try to frequently ask yourself "Knowing what I know from the series, would this character act this way in this situation?"
Felt like it was a story set on fast forward but aside from that a nice heartwarming tale noiice.
9033152
Thanks for the feedback. That is a big flaw of mine I've been attempting to correct. I'm trying to avoid useless bulk (overly long descriptions of scenery and such) but at the same time my stories are far too lean. Too many lines are dialogue, or quick actions, with not enough scene setting or insight into the characters' thoughts.
9032502
Ah, good point, I forgot that was a Fluttershy -> Twilight secret.
As for the "nudity" part, I thought of that, but the way it made sense to me is that in the human world a skimpy dress is still considered more risque than a swimsuit that covers far less. So when Coco wears a dress that specifically doesn't cover much, it purposefully calls attention to the parts it doesn't cover.
About the pacing, you're right, and I've been trying to work on it. I know it's incredibly rapid, but thank you for putting a description on it, I think getting in the characters' heads is a big part I've been missing.
Rarity let her leave to make it less awkward for Fluttershy. I suppose it varies from person to person, but when I do something very embarrassing I'd rather just disappear quickly than have people talk me through it. Later on is when I'd prefer to talk.
As for dragging her out on a date, it's definitely debatable, and I'm not a psychologist. What I will say though is that having been through severe depression before, talking it out does not always work. You can rationalize strange fears, and what tends to help is doing something enjoyable to get yourself out of negative experience avoidance. While a date may seem extreme and forced, I'd like to think dates are a little more casual in the MLP world, and not immediately associated with "going out" with someone as a label like it is in the US at least. On top of that, Fluttershy was barely even willing to sit there while Twilight talked, there's no way she was going to talk to Rarity. It was definitely too fast though, narratively and even realistically, although like I said, pacing is a big issue for me. This probably should have been three chapters, one of falling for Rarity, one where she tells her and gets her heart broken, and then one about recovery, with a time skip after which she goes out on a date.
I do try to think what the characters would do in editing, but when I write I just go with my subconscious interpretation of each character as to not break flow.
Thank you for the critique, it has been helpful and I will keep it in mind while fixing my pacing issues.