Horrible Swapping

by GameMakingOtaku

How Our Days Began

NOTE: I've been told that some readers might have a hard time understanding which point of view is which, not seeing that I have brakes to point it out. So here is the PoV Brake Key:

Old flower farming stallion's
=/) (\=
(\= =/)
Mark's
(:-|) (|-:)
(|-:) (:-|)
And Twilight's
<(. ,) (, .)>
(, .)> <(. ,)

=/) (\=

I had better days, I’d have to say. It started off like normal, sure, but, well, the ending wasn’t the same. I used to hate Tuesdays; I work more then you see, and well, now I’ll be skeptical of Fridays too. As part of my daily routine, I’d go get some food for the kitchen and finish off any delayed work. Afterwards, I normally have time to sit in the park and talk with my friends about whatever is happening.

I had finished all that, including hanging out with my friends. I could see Sugarcube Corner from the hill on my way home. So close to town, and in an instant so very far. Living as long as I have, not much can leave you breathless, really. I was almost back to the farm with my granddaughter, and then I was someplace else.

Not just me though, others near me on their daily business too. I remember seeing those things... Humans? What ever. So odd, and yet, similar to us. They talk like us, eat kinda like us, and commute like us.

Going off the unnerving stares, the questions, and the murmurs, and... Okay I’m a little off track now. Um, right, they all seemed kinda like us ponyfolk.

“What happened?” I heard many ask. “What kinda ponies are those?” is what those youngsters said. “Mommy, are we being invaded by aliens?” I heard some foal ask.

We all, that is the other ponies and me, backed ourselves into a circle, and keep our mouths shut. Well, until some young mare walked up to them that is.

“Um, hello?” she began worriedly, “um, what’s going on?”

(\= =/)
(:-|) (|-:)

It was a bit of a predictable day, not including that horse shit of an ending. I really needed some good Magic the Gathering cards. I opened the pack and... “Shit.” My friends all got something good, but no, I get the worthless pack. We sat in a shaded, windproof part of the park to play a few rounds when I realized something: it’s not a matter of the cards you get, but how your day goes.

I realized this, quite simply due to the fact, all of our days were going to be as bad as the cards I just got.

Everyone in the park, which included me and all my lucky friends, found themselves in a totally new place.

“Ah, Mark?” James, a friend of mine asks, “I don’t think we’re-”

“Shut the fuck up man. I have eyes. Sadly.” I interrupted the moron.

Fred, another friend, looked around and was the first of us to understand that everyone from the park is in wherever we were. It doesn’t get you out of the bizarre places, but knowing that all those near you are in the same bad puke bucket of paint world is a little soothing.

“Look mommy, a pretty unicorn!” shouted out a little girl while looking over the hill.

Everyone but me rushed over to look. Kids and their imaginations is what I thought as I slowly walked to see. You know what, I don’t think my brain works under stress. A mass of people are sent to another other place that is harsh on the colors, and I don’t think there could be unicorns?

Sure enough, there was a pink and white unicorn, next to a yellow pegasus.

Fuck my life.

(|-:) (:-|)
<(. ,) (, .)>

I was panicking, again. I ran around the room, trying to get things ready, organized, cleaned everything, washed up, check my lists again to see that I had in fact done all those things... and trying to make sure that I wasn’t overlooking some things.

“Spike! Do we have those scrolls ready?!” I asked, more calmly compared to the last few times. He popped up next to me in a flash. How does... never mind.

He answers after waiting for me to fully process his presents. “Yes. For the...” he had to think back on the number and used his claws to count. “Eighth time, yes. All the scrolls are ready for you to go, packed and checked for any accidental placements of used scrolls. Calm down already.”

I didn’t like his attitude. I glared at him, and got close to his face. “No! It isn’t enough! Another eight more times!” I could see a few strands of my mane were out of place. Looking back in the mirror, I combed the few lingering purple strands in place.

He sighed heavily. “Twilight, think, why would the Princess write to you to say, ‘Bye bye now’? She’s probably just going to tutor yo-”

“Why would that be it?!” I cut him off.

“Or,” he began, a little more agitated than he should have, “have a one on one session.”

“Does she think I’m incapable of teaching myself new spells?! Oh no!” Ah, yeah, I was nervous.

He slammed his claw against his forehead, dragging it down over his eyes. “Or, it may be something to do with another mission for you.”

“What? How would it be-” I was going to ask, ‘How would it be that? It’s sounds nothing like what was being said’ but I must be predictable or something.

He began a little smugly, “it doesn’t say much at all.” He cleared his throat and read the scroll. “‘I need to see you as soon as possible. I see I have been neglecting my duties as your instructor, and need to continue them.’”

I did calm down, but that made me a little mad. Why was it him that had seen this?

(, .)> <(. ,)
(:-|) (|-:)

Now it may come as a shock to some of you, but neither a unicorn nor a pegasus are real. Seeing monstrosities of mythical creatures is a little hard to fully comprehend. I could almost see the last of my marbles roll away.

Again, fuck my life!

We sat on the hill looking down at the beasts, seemingly communicating with each other. I thought that I was going to shit myself. We are doomed if these things can talk to each other and stab and carry us all. Them being able to tactically kill us, that’s the one thing that we would of had over them, gone.

After seeing the two monsters leave, I spoke up about my justifiable fears. “Fucking Doooomed! All of us are going to die! Horribly!”

A parent, obvious seeing as her daughter was the one who alerted us to our fate, stomps up to me. “What is wrong with you?! Watch your language around children!”

“Oh, did I not speak English before? Here let me try that again; Fucking Doooomed! All of us are going to die! Horribly!” I rationally replied.

I heard Fred speak up, “Excuse my friend. He’s always like this, or well, kinda.”

How can he be on her side? I only said the truth! Maybe it’s because she was some MILF. Well, I wasn’t going to stand around and wait for those asses to strike! “Okay,” I started my short speech, “we can go and see what the monsters can do, or wait here to die like fucking dumbasses. Who’s with me?!” I had pumped my fist in the air for dramatic effect, hoping others would do the same. I wish I hadn’t done that.

(|-:) (:-|)
=/) (\=

I waited eagerly to hear the responses of the humans. Or maybe it felt like a long time. Either way, there were gasps and more chatting amongst themselves. I think I heard some say something like ‘they can walk’, but that’s just silly.

The brave mare began to walk back to us, keeping her eyes on the, ah, you say they were called Humans? Well anyway, the crowd around us had only three that wished to step forward.

A red maned one started with, “Ah, hello? Do you know what’s going on? I sure don’t.”

A yellow maned - ah, humare? - stepped up to add, “we just watched an entire park be replaced with odd colored horses, I think it may have something to do with multi universes colliding.” I think he sounded a little, well, sarcastic.

The mare from before looked a little more at ease, but still scared. We all were. The third humare spoke up, “I’ve never seen anything like that, or this even. Will you try and help, instead of being an ass all the time.” She seemed to be upset with the yellow maned one.

“Ah, um, I don’t know what’s going on either,” stated the mare.

“Um, I was just going home, and found myself here,” I tried to help.

(\= =/)
<(. ,) (, .)>

Okay, well, I had calmed down some, and got my bags ready to go. I grabbed them and left. Well, I was going out the door, and then it hit me; you know, Spike being right, and I really relaxed after that, only to feel dumb for not seeing the point sooner, and him being faster witted than me.

So I was on the carriage that Princess Celestia sent. My mind began brainstorming ideas of what was happening. Is she going to teach me a spell not found in books? Is she going to say that the castle is under attack, and she needs me to learn a spell so the two of us can win against the threat?

I had been happy at that point, yes, but still a little bit of dread lingered.

We made it to the palace in one piece, so, not likely it was under attack.

The castle never looked so big to me.

(, .)> <(. ,)
(:-|) (|-:)

No one else was with me? That still shocks me. Yeah, I’m normally on the one percent of things, but this time, I don’t understand. I huffed and walked away. Damn that hill was big! Seeing a town up ahead, I ventured my unimpeachable self down there.

As I left, I heard that MILF say something; I didn’t care what she had to say, so I didn’t listen.

I got to the base of the hill and ducked behind a bush. More monsters showed up, more normal looking, but still too odd to be horses. When I saw the three ‘Flower Flanks’ leave, I moved out as stealthy as I could. I’m a big guy, so that wasn’t as ninja like as I had hoped. Got me to town though.

I was close to a house, I think, when this crazed horse harassed me. Dumb little bitch!

(|-:) (:-|)
=/) (\=

I could see that some of the moonhoos were sceptical, but I had hope that it would all be solved.

The red maned one steps a little closer and asks, “so to be clear, ‘not an invasion?’”

The yellow maned - Human? No - moonhoos, gave this funny look to the red maned one, and said, “what do you think-” what did he say? Hiym-, Iym-, ah yes, “Stine Stine?” This made the others look at him angrily.

The black maned one looked at us after a few seconds of glaring at the yellow maned one. “What are your names? If we are going to make progress, we need to know each other's names.” She gestures to herself, “I’m Raya.” She points to the the red maned one, “he’s Matt.” Then she points at the yellow maned one, giving him a dirty look. “He’s John.”

She looks at us happily, as it to say, ‘What’s your names?’ The mare answered first, “Dizzy Dash. I know I’m a pegasus, but don’t ask me to fly.” She seemed a little embarrassed, or something.

I looked around for a few seconds. I don’t know why, I just felt I should. After that, I said, “Withered Dirt.”

(\= =/)
<(. ,) (, .)>

It felt like it took longer than normal to reach the princess’s room. The guards flanking me, and the long trot, it messed with my head. All of the possibilities I thought of before flooded back to me. The good and the bad.

She’s going to cut herself off from me so I can learn better. She wants me to learn things more so on my own. She has a mission for me and I need to learn some big special spell. I’m going to be elevated to another, better teacher because she thinks she’s not good enough. She’s making me try something other than magic. She’s-

Sorry, I got a little off topic. Not knowing if it was good or bad news the princess had for me, my heart raced, and I began to sweat. A lot.

“Miss Sparkle, don’t look so nervous,” the guard to my right advised.

I didn’t look good, he’s right. I didn’t even have a mirror to see myself, and I know that. After many deep breaths, we made it go the large intimidating doors of what I was imagining to be my fate.

The guard to my right saw my hesitation. “You can go in now.”

(, .)> <(. ,)

Comments

[GameMakingOtaku]

Thanks go out to muter3456, Tricondon, and, even though he just tried to help, Scarlet Reign.

More to come hope you all like it!

EDIT:
Ahhh, I forgot to add somepony that helped me! I'm a total dumb ass!! It's been over a week, and now I see it.
Well thanks and sorry to HoovesLikeJagger for the cover art.
Again, sorry for forgetting.

[GameMakingOtaku]

Ummm,
I don't even know why I need to say this.

Simple unwriten rules of critic and analyses:
1: If you hit the "Like" or "Dis-Like" buttons, it's best to say why you did.
2: It's more so preferred to say why you hit the button you did when that button was "Dis-Like."
3: When giving a reply, say in full not in basic primal instinct 'why' you chose what you did.

Examples:
"Dis-Like"
Slow character development try harder next time

"Like"
The relation ship between the main characters was good, maybe fast, but still works.
I really liked the court yard seen, very funny

Things like this will help make me a better writer. Hitting me with a "Like" or "Dis-Like" does nothing but have it continue.

LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO BETTER!!!
And have a nice day

[Breath of Plagues]

1030781
I didn't hit like or dislike, but I guess I can try to help you out since you asked.

First off, you have some seriously severe writing problems. Your grammar is not only a nightmare of a mess, but it's so bad I have no f-ing clue what the hell is going on. (You wrote a one word sentence that says 'whatever'. What's wrong with you dude?)

You mix personal musings with jumbled actions in a way that seems like you forgot whole sentences or words (I just don't even know what your trying to tell me. I can't give suggestions because of that). It seems you also neglect to tell your reader what perspective you're in for each section. I can only guess that the magic the gathering booster pack reference in the second paragraph means it's the human (the one with twilight is fairly clear though, to be fair). There's also a ton of incorrect tenses that make it a pain to mentally re-word as the reader tries to figure this stuff out.

Example: I could almost see the last of my marbles rolled way.
Should be: I could almost see as the last of my marbles rolled away. OR I could almost see the last of my marbles roll away.

After trying my best to get over the grammar and sentence structure, the plot is done kind of silly. The dialogue is filled with over the top, unreasonable emotions. Everyone is always super upset or flipping out. It doesn't make any sense. Why does the human think they are going to die out of nowhere? He hasn't any information about where he is or what is going on. He would be surprised or shocked. He just swears and flips out the whole time.

Remedy: I think you just need more basic grammar experience. It would be too much to go into detail on how to fix your plot issues if you can't construct a proper sentence yet. Read around, work on your sentence structure (particularly comma placement. Don't try to write like you talk.), and just put something like this to the side for a time. You idea isn't horrible. You don't have the skill set to do anything good with it yet.

Hope this wasn't too harsh. My intention is to help you, not make you mad or upset. 1032219

[GameMakingOtaku]

1032231lol
No need to worry, it's what I asked for.
I did tell the reader who is talking though:
These are Withered Dirt Opening and Closing brakes
=/) (\=
(\= =/)
Mark's
(:-|) (|-:)
(|-:) (:-|)
And Twilight's
<(. ,) (, .)>
(, .)> <(. ,)

And as for 'I could almost see the last of my marbles rolled way.', It's funny you bring that up. Me and one of the editors had a hard time trying to edit it from something else... made 'I could almost see as the last of my marbles rolled away.', and it was thought that the 'as' part may be something that can be taken out.

Mark is suppose to be... nuts. Let's just leave that, at that. I do try and point out that his actions are not looked at as normal in spot's like, no one following him, his own friends making an apology for him, and him thinking about how often he is never listened to, or agreed with.
... And how the humans on the other side are handling things far better than Mark.
In his mind, Mark and all the others have been taken by alien monster that ether wish to rule earth, or eat them.
Under this train of thought, he is very much so justified for his actions... just a crazy ass hole for having them.

I know I have problems writing, but I thought that having many editors would have fixed that problem.
If you wish, I can show you what it was like before three people tried to edit it

No, but seriously, thanks. I'll work on my grammar, and maybe add in a note to the beginning of the story explaining the brakes.

[Breath of Plagues]

1032350
Well well... I'm impressed by the good attitude here. I honestly thought you'd be pissed. There are a lot of writers who have the 'you just don't appreciate my genius' attitude out there.

The closing breaks are creative, but yes, you do need to tell the readers at the beginning. I had no clue.

If you have editors they aren't doing a good job. There are a lot of obvious comma/sentence errors so they probably aren't that much better with grammar than you, and that's no good. One easy fix, that has worked for me, is using Speakonia. It's a free internet program that will read you your story back. It even pauses with commas, and periods like it should. Put your story through the program. When things don't sound right, chances are, they aren't. It's the best suggestion I can make for you without personally becoming your pre-reader.

Anyways good luck with this.

[GameMakingOtaku]

1036766Oh trust me, they helped. I have many sentences that where almost revamped, so the would sound better.
Some of what my have been casing the problems is that there was just to much to do, being done, and not enough rechecking.
I spent a little over two weeks on this chapter's editing with one or two of the editors. I had some work done, trust me on that.

I have a reading disability, so I do normally use a program called Alive-Text-to-Speech. It's not perfect, but it sure helps.
Like it keeps saying Flutter-she instead of Fluttershy.
At times it may say wind as 'the wind blew through my hair', or it my say it as wind 'the boys wind the toy up'. Of course, it isn't always in the right time for it to be said.
So I'll see what Speakonia is like.
Thanks again

[muter3456]

1036766 In my defense, I was only editing it for around an hour before he posted it, and I was a bit tipsy and tired. I've promised him to help him rewrite it soon, if that makes up for anything - I know now at least my reading skills seem to go down the drain whenever I'm in that condition

[GameMakingOtaku]

1048512Don't blame yourself
I had the story in my hands for a long time, and didn't see what you showed me, until then, the day/the next day of the story was up.
It may be what Breath of Plagues was talking about... but you made it more clear. And he may also be talking about something else too.

Ether way, I missed that things trailed off, and that sentences weren't understandable. That one IS me.
And I'm so ashamed

Thanks for helping me though. I know it's not noticeable by my awesome writing skills, but I need help.
You two, or is it four... You two are great!