Three stories are told so that the events of the day can be known. A day, were lots of ponies and people trade places. The longer the day goes on, the more it seems to go wrong for them.
The stories are being told by Twilight, a human, and an old flower farming stallion.
Page generated in 0.086 seconds
Total duration
1,003 users online
258,284 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Thanks go out to muter3456, Tricondon, and, even though he just tried to help, Scarlet Reign.
More to come hope you all like it!
EDIT:
Ahhh, I forgot to add somepony that helped me! I'm a total dumb ass!! It's been over a week, and now I see it.
Well thanks and sorry to HoovesLikeJagger for the cover art.
Again, sorry for forgetting.
Ummm,
I don't even know why I need to say this.
Simple unwriten rules of critic and analyses:
1: If you hit the "Like" or "Dis-Like" buttons, it's best to say why you did.
2: It's more so preferred to say why you hit the button you did when that button was "Dis-Like."
3: When giving a reply, say in full not in basic primal instinct 'why' you chose what you did.
Examples:
"Dis-Like"
Slow character development try harder next time
"Like"
The relation ship between the main characters was good, maybe fast, but still works.
I really liked the court yard seen, very funny
Things like this will help make me a better writer. Hitting me with a "Like" or "Dis-Like" does nothing but have it continue.
LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO BETTER!!!
And have a nice day
1030781
I didn't hit like or dislike, but I guess I can try to help you out since you asked.
First off, you have some seriously severe writing problems. Your grammar is not only a nightmare of a mess, but it's so bad I have no f-ing clue what the hell is going on. (You wrote a one word sentence that says 'whatever'. What's wrong with you dude?)
You mix personal musings with jumbled actions in a way that seems like you forgot whole sentences or words (I just don't even know what your trying to tell me. I can't give suggestions because of that). It seems you also neglect to tell your reader what perspective you're in for each section. I can only guess that the magic the gathering booster pack reference in the second paragraph means it's the human (the one with twilight is fairly clear though, to be fair). There's also a ton of incorrect tenses that make it a pain to mentally re-word as the reader tries to figure this stuff out.
Example: I could almost see the last of my marbles rolled way.
Should be: I could almost see as the last of my marbles rolled away. OR I could almost see the last of my marbles roll away.
After trying my best to get over the grammar and sentence structure, the plot is done kind of silly. The dialogue is filled with over the top, unreasonable emotions. Everyone is always super upset or flipping out. It doesn't make any sense. Why does the human think they are going to die out of nowhere? He hasn't any information about where he is or what is going on. He would be surprised or shocked. He just swears and flips out the whole time.
Remedy: I think you just need more basic grammar experience. It would be too much to go into detail on how to fix your plot issues if you can't construct a proper sentence yet. Read around, work on your sentence structure (particularly comma placement. Don't try to write like you talk.), and just put something like this to the side for a time. You idea isn't horrible. You don't have the skill set to do anything good with it yet.
Hope this wasn't too harsh. My intention is to help you, not make you mad or upset. 1032219
1032231lol
No need to worry, it's what I asked for.
I did tell the reader who is talking though:
These are Withered Dirt Opening and Closing brakes
=/) (\=
(\= =/)
Mark's
(:-|) (|-:)
(|-:) (:-|)
And Twilight's
<(. ,) (, .)>
(, .)> <(. ,)
And as for 'I could almost see the last of my marbles rolled way.', It's funny you bring that up. Me and one of the editors had a hard time trying to edit it from something else... made 'I could almost see as the last of my marbles rolled away.', and it was thought that the 'as' part may be something that can be taken out.
Mark is suppose to be... nuts. Let's just leave that, at that. I do try and point out that his actions are not looked at as normal in spot's like, no one following him, his own friends making an apology for him, and him thinking about how often he is never listened to, or agreed with.
... And how the humans on the other side are handling things far better than Mark.
In his mind, Mark and all the others have been taken by alien monster that ether wish to rule earth, or eat them.
Under this train of thought, he is very much so justified for his actions... just a crazy ass hole for having them.
I know I have problems writing, but I thought that having many editors would have fixed that problem.
If you wish, I can show you what it was like before three people tried to edit it
No, but seriously, thanks. I'll work on my grammar, and maybe add in a note to the beginning of the story explaining the brakes.
1032350
Well well... I'm impressed by the good attitude here. I honestly thought you'd be pissed. There are a lot of writers who have the 'you just don't appreciate my genius' attitude out there.
The closing breaks are creative, but yes, you do need to tell the readers at the beginning. I had no clue.
If you have editors they aren't doing a good job. There are a lot of obvious comma/sentence errors so they probably aren't that much better with grammar than you, and that's no good. One easy fix, that has worked for me, is using Speakonia. It's a free internet program that will read you your story back. It even pauses with commas, and periods like it should. Put your story through the program. When things don't sound right, chances are, they aren't. It's the best suggestion I can make for you without personally becoming your pre-reader.
Anyways good luck with this.
1036766Oh trust me, they helped. I have many sentences that where almost revamped, so the would sound better.
Some of what my have been casing the problems is that there was just to much to do, being done, and not enough rechecking.
I spent a little over two weeks on this chapter's editing with one or two of the editors. I had some work done, trust me on that.
I have a reading disability, so I do normally use a program called Alive-Text-to-Speech. It's not perfect, but it sure helps.
Like it keeps saying Flutter-she instead of Fluttershy.
At times it may say wind as 'the wind blew through my hair', or it my say it as wind 'the boys wind the toy up'. Of course, it isn't always in the right time for it to be said.
So I'll see what Speakonia is like.
Thanks again
1036766 In my defense, I was only editing it for around an hour before he posted it, and I was a bit tipsy and tired. I've promised him to help him rewrite it soon, if that makes up for anything - I know now at least my reading skills seem to go down the drain whenever I'm in that condition
1048512Don't blame yourself
I had the story in my hands for a long time, and didn't see what you showed me, until then, the day/the next day of the story was up.
It may be what Breath of Plagues was talking about... but you made it more clear. And he may also be talking about something else too.
Ether way, I missed that things trailed off, and that sentences weren't understandable. That one IS me.
And I'm so ashamed
Thanks for helping me though. I know it's not noticeable by my awesome writing skills, but I need help.
You two, or is it four... You two are great!