Twilight wakes up in a strange room before suddenly seeing the events that transpired to bring her to the present. It all began with a simple letter from the Princess, telling her that the time was almost over for her study in friendship and that Twilight must soon return to Canterlot. Over time she talks to her friends about the situation as she learns to cope with the situation herself, developing an unexpected relationship along the way. But when Twilight returns to the capital, she'll discover a shocking secret about Equestria's past and her future. How will Twilight handle the truth and how will it effect her personal life? All Twilight knows is that a warm summer night's breeze has never felt so perfect.
This is my first story, constructive criticism is welcomed. Art done by Morgan Patrick and Benjeman Morrissey, check out Morgan's gallery here http://randompinkpie.deviantart.com/art/Love-Betrayal-and-Sacrifice-321884445
throughout Everyone was written but I think maybe everypony would read better, as it is from twilights perspective.
I really liked the dialog between Twi and Rarity I could really picture her quite well, but i feel it needs a bit more discription, as for a while it is just talking, and seems a little... bland?
'doubt I have that option' rather than 'don't' or 'I don't have that option' maybe?
I fish out a couple of bits.
Also I think in the first paragraph has a few commas where a fullstop (period) should be. I'm terrible for doing that myself...
but keep on going!)
(and now i feel like a horrible person for picking on you!
Paragraph 8 "Princess Celestia allowed me to stay here and study friendship, however now that my studies are other I'll have to leave them. I might never see them again"
Still reading, and so far it's very very interesting!
Raritwi! Interesting...
demotivationalposters.org/image/demotivational-poster/1008/please-demotivational-poster-1280707706.jpg
hmm, interesting. there were a few typos, but nothing bad. Will see how this develops.
965055
Thankyou for your input every bit helps.
965068
That was an obvious one, thank you for catching it.
This is fantastic! Despite a few errors, the writing is doing great so far. However, there is one thing (and believe me, I hate pointing things out and making them seem big). While Twilight's inner thought (the narration) is very vivid and fluid, it seems you went half-way on the dialogue. Spend a little more time mapping out what the characters would say. Picture if it were an actual episode. I'm not one to judge methods, but I'd say you should give it a try. Other than that, I can't wait for more. Good job, friend.
970003
Don't worry about it, I am well aware that I am in fact fallible. So thank you for your advice I shall strive to make the best use of it that I can.
My curiosity is being entertained. I will fav to see what happens next.
This has also sparked both my interest and curiosity. . . are those two the same thing. . . . . . . . . MEH.
It's certainly an interesting story, and I hope to see it continue.
You really should get an editor, however. Everyone needs a second set of eyes to go over their work. It doesn't hurt to get more than one person to help, either!
There's a few groups on this site that can assist, and ponychan can find you reviews. (Be warned, they can be pretty brutal)
For the sake of clarity, character thoughts should probably be put into italics. It's easier to read, and can make spotting errors much easier. Also, both chapters have some tense confusion. It's up to you, but I'd suggest writing in past tense- it's generally easier and cleaner.
1066470 Thank you for your kind words, I do have an editor he just works a little slow so I'm retconning the chapters as he edits them. As for the tense I am aware at how tricky it can be to get right but I think that present tense makes for a more personal and emergent experience providing I can keep up the quality. As to character thoughts (being just Twilight I think) that would make half the document italic as most is either her thoughts or dialogue with a liberal dusting of description.
Again thank you for you input and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Noticed a few typos:
>is likely you would insane.
go
>feel the breathe that had
breath
>bit warn out,
worn
>well that;s not good
that's
>slow pain staking fashion
painstaking
>up rooting my life
uprooting
>and returns the living room
to
1285993 Thanks for pointing those out, every bit helps. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
This definitely seems to be one of the most unique takes on Twilight becoming an Alicorn. I'm quite enjoying it although it's definitely a challenge to interpret as her dreams and visions mount. And then there are the alarming non-chronological bits as well. It's all very intriguing and I look forward to seeing where it all leads!
1486254 Thanks for your comment, I haven't had any of late. Are the non-chronological sections good or bad, you called them alarming. Just trying clarify.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
1489681
The "alarming" part refers to the content of such sections, specifically "the stone cold corpse of Rarity". They definitely grab your attention, however.
1489987 Oh that's good, I was concerned that you were using it in a negative connotation. Glad you like it.
I found the Dawn Glow part strange, but still enjoyable.
The transition is nice and the only thing I can think could be needing improvement in later chapters in how her wings grow, due to the importance of the event. My suggestion would be probably starting off one feather at a time, but they fall off until the wings start growing properly (Possibly have the first one fall off and Pinkie Pie finds it after Twilight leaves.
Keep up the good work.
1561532 Oooh, that's a good idea, I think I might use that. I'm glad you liked the Dawn Glow section, I was concerned that people would not like it. That it was too weird and the fact that at the moment it would seem to have no lasting effect on the real world.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
1564057
It was a Twilight Sparkle head-trip. How can that not spell doom for the world around her?