A Whole New World (rewrite)
The unicorn, who identifies as Twilight Sparkle, nods as I finish my explanation, “So, you say you are a millennia old Necromancer from a different world.” She slightly laughs, “I have to commend you for your creativity, I’ve never heard that one before. Now why don’t you tell me your name and I can find your parents?”
I slam my new hoof into my new forehead, “You still don’t believe me? Fine then, if I have to resort to this.” I reach deep into my soul, and summon up an orb of memories from it.
Twilight’s eyes widen as she sees me form the orb, “Is that a memory orb!? Only the highest unicorns can make those!”
I nod, and fully complete the orb, “Yes, it is. It’s the exact type a scholar would love to look at. If only there was a researcher or scholar around here.”
She jumps up, “Oh, I am! Here, let me see that.” She grabs it in a telekinesis field, and taps it to her horn.
I can see her eyes cloud over as she sees the memories inside. After a minute, her eyes clear up as she blink multiple times. I absorb the orb back into my soul, and nod, “So, what was that about me being a child?”
She blinks a few more times, “So you were telling the truth. Do you know what this means?”
I shrug, “You can actually start explaining stuff to me?”
She shakes her head, “This means we can discover entirely new fields of magic! This might be the biggest discovery to ever bless Equestria!” She rambles on, before the drake Spike carries over a book, and drops it on the floor. The sound knocks her out of her rant, and she shakes her head, “Oh, what am I thinking? I haven’t even asked for your name yet!”
I nod kindly at Spike, before turning back to Twilight, “My name? I am... Raven. Ravens Breath. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I actually find out what the hell is going on here. You haven’t been any help despite being a scholar, and I am a little bit confused!”
She slightly nods after my yell, “Sorry, sorry. But I’m not that good at teaching, really.” She looks at me again, “Wait, hold up. Your a foal!”
I grit my teeth from her sudden excitement, “Yes, I noticed.”
She smiles, “Well, foals go to school, right? And since you have no home, I could house you and send you to school in exchange for some knowledge from your world!”
I immediately shake my head, “No, no, no! I am not going back to school again!”
She frowns, “Why? You need to find stuff out, so school would be the best place to go. What’s so wrong with school? I remember them as the best days of my life. Getting to learn all that knowledge, getting the adoration of the teacher, reading textbooks... absolute heaven.”
I lean back, “Yeah, no. I’d rate school as one of the worst times of my life. Being beaten during recess, reading dusty textbooks with a dusty old hag yelling at me, being picked on because I wasn’t athletic, the Fitness-gram Pacer Test. I barely escaped alive! Only to discover that I won’t be able to share my facts, because now everyone hates me!”
Twilight smiles calmly, “Well, you don’t have to worry about that here. There are no bullies, Cherilee is a very nice mare, and everypony is calm and good. With the exception of the CMC, but you don’t need to worry about them.”
I hold up a hoof, “Wait, hold up, you got me interested now. Who are these ‘CMC’?”
She slightly frowns and smiles at the same time, “Cutie Mark Crusaders. Sisters of three of my friends came together because they’re all cutie mark-less. They cause a lot of trouble trying to get their marks, causing mayhem and destruction where they go.”
I smile slightly, “Mayham and destruction, you say?”
Twilight narrows her eyes, “Raven, I know you don’t have a cutie mark later, but I really don’t recommend you join them. For your own safety, stay away, else you might end with your insides as outsides.”
I scoff, “No need to worry about that. I’m hollow.”
She is about to speak, before listening to what I said, “...what?”
I nod, “Oh yeah, I’m hollow inside. Digestive system, nervous, hell even the immune system is gone. Only one I keep is reproductive, and I definitely ain’t using that as my body looks like this.”
Twilight nods slowly, “That’s... interesting. Either way, don’t. You will either be hurt or somehow cause the entire town to be destroyed.”
I smile a bit more, and rub my hooves together, “Oh, definitely not, Twilight. Perish the thought. So, I definitely feel like going to school now, what about you?”
She smiles, and claps her hooves together, “Yay! Come on, school is starting soon, we need to leave now!”
She jumps into a cabinet.
“Let’s see, we need quills, notebooks, inkwells, books, lunch... no, wait, never mind that.”
She turns around to see me standing there, with a notebook and pen. I smile, “I needed to make sure I had materials on hand at all times. So, we ready, yes?”
She nods, “Yes. Now, come on!”
She rushes outta the door, and I follow after her at a more serene pace.
Mayham and destruction. Sound like my type of people.
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Well, that DID go a bit too fast. You are skipping a lot of content, but then again maybe you have some other story to tell elsewhere to which we are speeding for. But it really is hard to like character you hardly know.
8726858
Well, it was mainly that I had no ideas for this chapter, and I wanted to see him in school.
8726869
Ok i do wonder you said he had no eyes why has none of them reacted to that you really should gone with a "what in celastia's name has happened to you" kind of chapter like the missing eyes
8726888
Is is not rude to ask about that?
8726894
More makes no sense not to i mean to them a colt smashed through two layers of wood with minimal damage (with how fast and what he hit he would normally be paste) and when he wakes up he ether has no eyes tho that should have been something found out when examining him or is seeing things with his eyes closed.
8726899
I changed it
Uhm...
This chapter went too fast. Shouldn't Twilight have wondered and/or freaked out more when Raven said he doesn't have eyes or when he just healed his wounds like they were nothing?
8726978
Shock of the moment.
8727103
Uuh...
I call bullshit on that. No offense, but he has been unconcious long enough for Twilight and Redheart to get the medical machines from the hospital to Golden Oaks AND hook him to them. Any shock would have been overridden by the alarm of having an injured colt in need of immediate medical attention.
So no. You don't get to say shock of the moment. No matter how you look at it, Twilight would be very alarmed to have a colt who has a broken leg and ofter injuries HEAL HIMSELF like they are nothing. It is ludicrously alarming to have a colt seemingly cast a spell that heals his wounds so quickly they simply disappear in front if ones eyes. That kinda magic can only be a high level healing spell which only the most powerful or skilled unicorns can cast. It is not something a foal can cast.
Any attempt to explain it as him being just that powerful is only bad story writing.
Please know that this critique is not meant be offensive in any way and i hope you try to come up with a better way of writing that chapter. I only wish to see the authors skills increase and improve.
To ash and dust.
8727124
Okay, yes, I can see that I will need to fix this chapter.
I have to agree with 8727124. This went way too fast, and the interactions are completely unbelievable.
There are a lot of issues with this chapter besides that, as well. For example, Twilight asks "And, what is a mana reader?" when he never said anything about a mana reader out loud. Also, when he cusses (bearly) he just says "I heard it somewhere" and they stop caring. They would at least tell him he shouldn't say that.
I have a couple of guides for new writers or writers that might want to improve their skills. Go ahead and take a look at it. It might have something helpful.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/670924/fimfiction-tutorials-beginner-tips
I really want this story to be good. It has potential to be a very unique and funny fic. Like it is, though, it's hard to enjoy.
8727556
Oh, Lord Shiro! What a pleasant thing it is to see your expert opinion here
To hear you agree with me is a most wondrous thing. You honor this one with your words as it shows i have improved in my assesment of fics. I am but an amateur who aspires to be a worthy follower of one of the great Lords of Literature
8727583
It's nice to be recognized
8727556
Yes, this chapter was rushed out to appease all those following. I shall fix it tonight.
8727647
Btw....
This is your fic. If your follower base demands you give them more, tell them that you will give them more. But don't let them dictate the pace at which you write. That way lies only the death of the fic as the authors creative juices get burned out.
You are the author, followers are the readers. If you can't write a chapter as fast as possible, then don't try to do so. Do it at your own pace. In this lies the way of great fics. You should not rush things just because people demand more.
Make your stand known and let it be your grand castle in which you write at the pace you dictate to yourself. Become a Lord of Literature who inspires others to follow in his footsteps and construct grand tales which grow into legends that will be remembered beyond the grasp of time and space!
8727647
Anything good is worth waiting for. It's better to take your time and make something good than to throw it together too fast and see its quality suffer for it
8727722
*Clap, clap, clap* you sound like a great thinker of the renaissance! Brilliantly stated!
Now, I have the entire day to think of ideas, and you should see it go down as I fix it around ten.
8727979
Oh, you flatter me. I am only stating what i know to be true and possible
8728006
Fixed.
(After Redux)
. . . Wat?
8728856
Whatever do you mean?
8728765
Uhm....
It's a little better, but it still needs fixing.
Like the bit about memory magic. I don't think Twilight would that eagerly just touch a ball of memories.
And i suspect necromancy is a very frowned upon subject even in Equestria.
Still feels rushed unfortunately. Take some more time to think it over.
But anyway... i'll see how things develop and see what happens in the next chapters when they come out.
8729378
Yes, the next chapter is fun!
8729378
Who says that the word Necromancy would even exist? I suspect Clesesta wouldn’t want her little pony’s to know about such a dangerous and dark magic. So, just wipe it from history, and just recall everything ‘dark’ magic. Now you’ve been spoiled a bit about a surprise I have comeing up earlier, so if you don’t want to, you don’t have to look. But that is the explanation.
8730263
Hmm.....
The history is written by the victors... and knowledge recorded is done in the same fashion... the victorious censor and the losers write the truth the victors want forgotten...
8730484
Exactly!
Good job though, now I have a plot element I can use!
That was fast
seems like a loooong stretch to go from ceiling to school. I guess it's just one of those things where it's basically going to happen no matter what so might as well just drop 'em in.
This is better with the rewrite, but it does feel rushed still. At the very least, you brought this chapter more towards the tone of the first, so kudos for that. Twilight's ambivilance could use a bit of tweaking, too, but it's not awful.
The spelling, grammar, and lack of pacing are sort of pissing me off. I think I might hate this story, so I'm going to stop reading and leave a red thumb.
8754807
Damn, a bit harsh aren't we. I get not reading but giving it a down vote because of grammar mistakes? That's just cruel. Hmm... though you've seemed to have avoided Muphry's law
Definitely not as serious as I expected. This story needs a serious overhaul. Spelling and grammar mistakes, continuity errors. It’s too comedic for its own good. It’s all well and good having a story that isn’t serious but if it’s not executed well it’s just annoying.
8788969
What continuity errors?
8788976
You are advancing way to fast, not enough story, it is just one thing to another: woke up in a child's body, not a problem, Twilight Sparkle is asking questions, give up your memories to prove your story with no hesitation despite being scorned for your talents before, millennia old, gotta go to school because you're in a child body, but first let chat magic.
SLOW DOWN and give the readers something to actually read.
8799541
Well I will say this, he doesn’t care. He could be ridiculed all over again because of his powers, he’s immortal and learned not to care. Also yes, the pacing In these beginning chapters are a bit rushed, but the story does slow down.
Look! He's self-aware!
I hope it is the sarcastic deadpan kind of insults that leave the target a sputtering, confused, and enraged mess!!!! I love those!!!!
This is literally just a copy of another story
9351866
Could you pint to that story?
Pacer test my worst enemy lightning strike