I march in front of the line of Crusaders, “So, you wanna learn Necromancy. Here I am to teach you. And believe me, there is no better teacher than me.” I stop, and throw a collection of items on the ground, “An important thing in all magic is to have a catalyst. As you are all new to this, I would recommend what is most comfortable.” I motion at the items, a bunch of staves, “If you wish, you may use a staff. I, personally, always found staves easy to use. However, I have grown to use my entire body as a catalyst.”
Scootaloo asks a quick question, “So, uh, what exactly do we do?”
I smile patiently, “Of corse, I forgot you haven’t received an advanced magical education. Not to say I did either, so I understand where you’re confused. Gods, it’s been so long since I’ve had to think how to summon my mana.” I shake my head, and look at all of them again, “You want to reach down into the very depths of your self. Feel around, until you feel something green, it will smell like freshly clipped grass, and will taste like Granny Smith apples. I like those apples. Anyway, once you reach this mana, guide it to your catalyst. Said catalyst shall glow green as you feed it more mana.”
I can see them all close their eyes, and concentrate deeply. Their breathing deepens, and I can see the mana inside them start to move. I nod as I see it flow through them, all to different points of the body.
I can see them all open their eyes, and look at their glowing parts. Apple Bloom looks at her glowing hooves, Scootaloo at her glowing wings, but Sweetie can’t seem to find hers. She looks all around, before looking back to me, “Where is it?”
When she speaks, the mana carries itself on the sound waves. It glows a bright green, answering her question. I nod at the Crusaders, “Now, with your mana gathered, comes the easy part. Express your will, and the mana will try and do it. Think about what you want, and use the strongest will you have. For example, when I say ‘sky’.”
A hand juts itself out of the ground, raising me high into the sky. I demolish the hand and land back on the ground.
I smile, “Now, will is only a small part of using your mana. There are many mechanisms to cast mana, but they’re all advanced. Go ahead, try.”
Sweetie looks down at her leg, where a small cut is. She focus on it, “Heal.” The skin instantly heals, and her fur grows back as if nothing had happened.
Scootaloo looks at her wings, and whispers, “Fly.” Her small wings attract bones in the area, all of which add themselves to a huge wing on her side. Now, she stands with wings of bone, bigger than even Luna’s. With a single flap, she rises from the ground, and she keeps on flapping to stay there.
Apple Bloom seems to lock eyes with a tree, and walks up to it, “Strength.” She raises her back legs, and bucks the tree with the added force of her mana. The tree takes the blow, and apples fall out of it. Seeds seemingly turn into fully grown apples in the air as they fall into the buckets down below.
I nod at all the Crusader’s happy smiles. Apple Bloom seems to be oddly satisfied with the tree, Scootaloo is giddy with her new flight, and Sweetie seems lost in thought. All of them wear happy smiles. I quickly bring my hooves together in a clap, which disables all their mana. Scootaloo’s wings of bone fall to the ground, and all of them lose the glow in their limbs. I hold my hooves up at their angry looks, “Hey, we’re only on the first lesson, and you are all on stuff for the fourth lesson. Beside, you need to be careful with your mana. If it dries up, then you will not be in a good position.”
Scootaloo sighs, “Then what are we supposed to do now?”
I smile, and point out at the town, “I can show you more stuff I can do. Why don’t we all go to the town?”
So when they are being adorable Luna will be there nice and have fun camping
8737973
Yep, Luna needs them cute times. I will try to have fun, we are going to a civil war re-enactment!
Also
100 comment hype!
This is getting good and i only hope they start to date.
eeee~
8738204
Hmm... I’d ship Raven and Sweetie.
8736465
vary well.
My main problem with this story, is that it fails to answer one simple question, why?
You have the characters, you have their actions, yet there's not much else but that, there's no reasoning behind why the characters are doing what they're doing, no backstory, no explanation, no inner monologue, nothing, all there is is some dialogue a small exclamation as to whats happening and then it moves on, it's hollow, empty.
How am I supposed to care about a character that I barely know anything about?
How am I supposed to care about their actions if I don't know why they did it?
And that doesn't just apply to the main character, it also apply's to all the other characters too.
The main thing that I saw, was that all the characters just accept "Raven's breath" for little to no reason.
Twilight easily accepting "Raven" after only a few words between them, and him showing her his past, to witch we know nothing about.
The CMC accepting "Raven's" story's for no reason given.
The "Blacksmith" accepting "Raven's" idea for again, no reason given.
there's simply too little explanation to justify how the characters have acted thus far.
8738244
It was shown that the blacksmith allowed him to do that, because he said he could use a forge. The character is supposed to be unknown, it impossible to explain over 3000 years of life. And, they accepted him because this is EQUESTRIA! You know? Land of friends and harmony! And you don’t get an explanation, no one does. This is treated like real life, where people don’t just say, “you kill my father, ow I kill you!”
8738244
You can sky ‘why’ and I will awnser. But they never will, because the characters don’t care if others are confused, THAT WAS THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THIS STORY! A story about a Necromancer who dosnt give a fuck about what you say, and his mood rubs off on others. Hell, he doesn’t even know why he does what he does! The title says INSANITY!
8738253
So your saying a trained blacksmith is going to let a child whom he's never heard of nor seen before accompanied by the CMC of all people to work his forge, simply because they said they could? That's a level of blind trust that the characters in the actual show didn't even have.
I'm not asking to explane his entire life, simply some sort of reason for his actions, or why he is the way he is.
The same land that has characters like the FlimFlam brothers, and Iron Will?
. . . Take this quote, and put it side by side the previous one.
8738268
If you want to depict him as insane do so, however you can't simply leave your readers out of the loop, story's just don't work that way, give us some insight into his inner thoughts, what's he thinking? why is he doing this? simply giving no explanation is not good story telling.
8738295
The CMC were repeat customers, as was said, so Black Smith can trust them. Yes, the same land with the FlimFlam brothers and iron will, who were also accepted in Ponyville, like Raven. And you want to know why he is the way he is? It’s alrady been said, immortality.
8738238
I have not tried to put a story on this site, but i have tried to write one. I've lost count of how many scraps and prologue's i've sent to the trash....
So i do know how hard it is to write a fic. I've been trying for a year and a half, but so far i've had nothing but frustration and headaches....
8738239
sorry. but you might want to consider a editor of some kind that is outside of the comments.
the ground is shaky. i hope this story stays up and improves.
p.s your lucky. when put up my first story it was trash but no one pointed the flaws. a lack of feedback that is not a echo chamber or hate is hard to come by. but that is my bias opinion.
so in short i like your story and hope to see it improve am glad that you don't have the radio silence issue that i have. i also apologias for any damage my last comment may have caused
8739100
Yes, but this isn’t my first story
8738562
true, however, it's the CMC, fillies who are notorious for leaving chaos in their wake, as well as the fact that he was frightened by their vary appearance in his shop.
immortality is not a good reason for how a person is, it's what has happened during his immortality that would have caused it, and if you're saying immortality automatically made him that way then why isn't Celestia or Luna in the same state?
I’m out.