Dream Princess (rewrite)
A open my eyes in a dream, finding myself floating over my old schoolyard. I look down as I hear a shout of pain. My past self, still wearing flesh, and young. The First Age. I get pushed over by a boy I instantly recognize. Brutus.
I can see my past self try to summon a skeleton, which he instantly destroys, “Go ahead and use more of that magic, freak, it won’t stop me.”
I growl loudly, and land in front of my old self. My small foal body grows to be as big as I regular horse as I stand between him and me, “Hello there, bastard.”
He doesn’t get a chance to reply, as I’ve already wrapped his entire body up in a skeletal hand. I throw him as hard as I can into my old schoolhouse, smileing as I hear the loud thump ring out. He lays limp against the ground as I approach once more.
I lean into his face, “This may be a dream, but I will enjoy this. For too many years you tormented me! And I will take great pleasure in killing you!”
I raise a spike of bone from the ground, and send it flying towards him. I close my eyes as I command the spike, only to hear a different voice shout out, “Raven!”
I open my eyes, “Belle?!” I quickly send my spike crashing to her side, leaving her unharmed. It might just be a dream, but I hold no ill-will towards her. I growl and look around my dreamscape, “I do not enjoy being fucked with. Whatever’s there, show youself!”
My request is met as a blue blur crashes in front of me. A mares voice comes from inside, “Why did you spare her?”
I scowl as the blue pony looks back at me, “What are you talking about.”
She doesn’t stop her stare, “You spared the dream’s Sweetie Belle’s life. Even though your weapon was going to kill, you moves it aside. Why?”
I stare at her blankly, “You are asking why I would spare her life? I would think it obvious, I hold no ill-will towards her. However, one such as yourself has yet to prove I should have no ill-will to you. Who are you, who would invade my dreams?”
She straightens up, “Princess Luna of Equestria. We have been sent to battle you.”
I straighten up as well, “Ravens Breath of Tel’La De Rus. If you wish for a battle, than a battle you shall have.”
I take a fighting stance, even though she holds up her hooves, “Hold, Necromancer. Perhaps we could talk. You do not seem evil, if you can convince me of such.”
I hold up a hoof, and snap. The snap resounds through the dream, “Then you can watch my memories. Determine for yourself if I’m bad.”
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Feels?....
The only feels are the feels of this chapter being out of place....
This is not how you make a chapter for trying to hit the "feels"
This is just bad writing and it seems to show a lack of inspiration for the scene and the sensation of the author just throwing out rushed scraps....
Dude, you seem like a good writer. But the way things are looking? I'm starting to doubt if you are actually a good writer....
No offense, but the quality just seems to have degraded when compared to the first chapter....
8735481
have you tried to put a story on this site? it is a pain in the ass for new writers. also not everyone has a editor they get help from
8738238
No, do t crtizize him, he was right, this chapter was trash and because of him I fixed it.
I like what you did there at the end. The two most misunderstood ponies taking turns screaming about the unfairness of being ostrisized for being different. There are few fics with characters that relate to our favorite night princess.
8738238
That's no excuse. Editor or no editor. A writer is still responsible in reviewing what they have written and maybe get feedback from a few fellow writers before posting.