I was woken up sometime around noon by what sounded like a manticore growling in my stomach. I shushed at it, giving it a harsh glare for being loud enough to give away my location. Then I realised that I was shushing my own stomach, and I began to wonder if it really was just me who was going mental.
Never mind my possible insanity for the time being. I needed some food. Slowly and carefully, I raised myself off of the blanket and moved a few leaves out of my way. I took in a good view of the Apple family’s bright red house in the distance, and considered flying over to it for a moment before shaking my head. Sure, they’d offer me food, but I had the rope-burns to prove that AJ wasn’t any less immune to whatever was happening to me than anypony else. Don't get me wrong, I could probably escape her again—she might have been pretty tough, but my wings were freaking powerhouses. Her brother would be a different matter, though. That stallion was strong.
To be honest, I wasn’t entirely confident that I could put up as much of a fight as an entire freaking house, and remembering how he’d managed to beat one of those in a tug-of-war last Hearts and Hooves Day just gave me the shivers.
Oh yeah, I was staying far away from him.
Stealing a few apples was out of the question, too. For one, I wasn't really a huge fan of theft after that whole Daring Do thing—even though I was only trying to borrow the darn book. Knowing AJ, she probably counted every apple on every tree on the farm. Heck, she probably had pet names for them, too! Besides, the only trees with decent fruit left on them were too close to Apple HQ for my liking. They’d be sure to see me, and then they'd be sure to try and kidnap me.
I’m not sure what would happen if I got close to Applebloom or Granny Smith, but I didn’t really feel like getting tackled by a lovestruck toddler and pensioner. Granny’d probably put her back out trying, anyway.
Definitely not worth the risk, then—not to mention the possible harm to the elderly. I moved on, turning around to face towards Ponyville itself. I was out of choices, so it was the only option left, really—I couldn't go back to my house until either my "fans" went to sleep or Celestia went home, and I’d already accidentally flown to Canterlot today, and didn’t want this thing to spread any further if I could help it.
How did it get to Celestia, anyway? Did one of Twi’s friendship report letters carry it or something? Ugh, great. Now I can't even write without somepony coming after me.
I checked that the coast was clear before hopping out of the tree, flapping my wings a couple times before landing so that I didn’t make a loud and obvious thud, and started trotting down the dirt path leading from Sweet Apple Acres back towards town.
Then I remembered that anypony who saw me was likely to attack me outright. With a sigh, I moved to the side. Trudging through the dense undergrowth and the small trees that grew on the edge of the path wouldn't be fun, but I knew from experience that it would be thick enough to keep me hidden.
Knowing that it would also be thick enough to make the going almost impossible didn’t help much, but it did keep me from cursing when I almost tripped up.
Well, not too much, anyway.
Normally, the whole "fastest flyer ever" thing would keep me safe in the air. Being that close to town, though, meant that flying was out of the question. I couldn’t stay high and quick like I do when clearing the sky nowadays, since I’d have to be on the ground at some point anyway to try and get something to eat. Don’t get me wrong, at first I tried staying high and just swooping straight down at the last minute to the door of wherever I was gonna be eating that day, but I’d hurtled straight into one too many nets since this whole thing had started.
Besides, I needed to be sneaky to avoid attention, and I was pretty distinctive when flying through the sky. Leaving a rainbow trail behind me everywhere I went tended to make it fairly hard to stay hidden.
Unfortunately, though, even on the ground I was pretty obvious—there just aren't that many ponies as amazing as me walking around. That’s why I like to make use of the bottomless resources of Pinkie Pie.
I've had a whole lot of ponies tell me that Pinkie is "completely inexplicable", "off-the-wall", or even "downright crazy". To be fair, they were right. What they didn't realise, though, is how much planning went into that madness. She had a contingency for every eventuality, regardless of how incredibly improbable it might've been.
At least, that’s what she told me when she showed me that map of disguises she had stashed all over Ponyville, "in case of disguise emergencies". Personally, I just went with “Pinkie Pie is so bucking random”.
Lucky for me, I remembered a couple of the points on that map. A little stumbling through the undergrowth eventually led to a hollowed-out tree stump with a fake lid, containing everything I’d need.
I slowly approached the stump, taking a look all around it for any obvious booby traps, before carefully and gently lifting the lid…
Wham! The lid was forced out of my hooves as a gang of spring-powered plastic snakes leapt out of the stump and into the air, followed by a ridiculous amount of confetti that definitely shouldn’t have been able to fit in so small a space.
Obviously I wasn’t scared or anything. I don’t care what anypony has to say, I definitely didn’t jump backwards out of fright. I just… tripped. On a root.
I mean, I couldn’t possibly be scared. This must have been, like, the umpteenth time something like this had happened to me. I have no idea how the snakes managed to reset afterwards, every freaking time, but they always do, and I always forget about it.
But I’m never scared.
I shook my head, dislodging the one snake that had manage to actually hit the target. The rest had just gone flying into the air, and Celestia knows where they all landed. Pinkie must be getting sloppy or something if her traps were that bad. I was more used to having a face full of paper reptiles by now.
I made my way back to the formerly booby-trapped stump, sticking my hoof right in there. It was probably safe now. Pinkie had far too many pranks like this to set up every day as it was, so I was betting she hadn't had time to set a back-up trick. It didn't take me long to find the fake bottom, a spring attached to it, with the actual goods hidden underneath.
Like I said, Pinkie is random. At least it was better than the last time I’d tried one of her disguise stashes. Somehow, she’d known that I’d be there, and was lying in wait for me. Took me hours to shake her off – literally. She’d covered herself in toffee or something, so she stuck to me like glue. It had taken three rainclouds and a team of minotaurs to get her off me.
Of course, I had to deal with a team of minotaurs and a sticky Pinkie Pie chasing after me then. That had been a tricky one…
Shaking my head to get rid of some really freaky memories, I quickly sorted through the stump, pulling out a pair of glasses, a comically huge moustache, crayons, a mirror, and some coat and mane dye. Setting them out before me, I donned the glasses and got to work.
I’m not quite at Rarity’s level, and as any quick inspection would show, it was a pretty rushed job. Still, I'd had to learn how to apply this kind of rubbish. I mean, obviously I didn't use these kind of things normally—regardless of what some ponies say about rainbow manes being impossible—but all the craziness going on had made me a fast learner.
A little while later, I could safely say that I was no longer Rainbow Dash. Instead, I was… hrm, needed a cool fake-name... how about "Painblow Crash", professional hoofwrestler and all-around hardflank? That sounded suitably awesome, and it was the perfect disguise!
I took one last glance at my frowny-face cutie mark in the mirror and shook my matte-black fringe out of my eyes before I started forward, hopping back onto the path and putting one dark-green hoof in front of the other as I trotted towards town.
I gave everypony my best scowl as I passed through the outskirts of Ponyville, and made a beeline for the marketplace. I didn't even dare to look around and check that everypony was falling for my disguise. I had never managed to work out what it was that makes ponies fall for me, but wearing a disguise and avoiding all possible contact seemed to work fine.
The second half of that plan a whole lot more difficult to get right when I entered one of the local cafés, given that I’d actually have to talk to someone in order to get any food. I didn’t even know anypony here either, so I couldn’t skip lines like I used to be able to do at Sugarcube Corner.
Then again, I’d made the mistake of going into the Corner after this whole thing started once before, and it wasn’t one I wanted to repeat. For the record, Pinkie Pie is very hard to escape from, and streamers are a surprisingly good wing restraint.
Oh, and babies aren’t immune to whatever's going on with me either. I don’t know if you’ve ever been assaulted by tiny twins, but trust me, it’s creepy.
After what felt like a year of waiting in line—and carefully glancing around at the other customers while pretending to be giving them angry glares—I reached the front of the queue. The pale-blue unicorn behind the counter had a bored expression on his face, clearly not paying attention. I sighed with relief. This was gonna make things a whole lot easier.
“Hey!” I called, before remembering my disguise, and coughing. “Uhm, hey,” I said in a far deeper tone of voice. “Daisy and daffodil sandwich. Make it qui—”
There was a gasp behind me. The kind of gasp that a pony might make when they realise someone in front of them was the disguised object of their inexplicable affections.
Trust me, I know that gasp.
With a wince, I turned around. I had already lowering myself a little, ready of a quick takeoff, only to find… well, white. My entire field of vision was blocked with a soft, furry whiteness. It was only when I turned my gaze upwards that I found a face, set with two sapphire orbs, and an elegant waterfall of purple curls flowing around it.
“Rainbow Dash, darling!” Rarity cried, lowering her own head to peer at me. “Is that you? What have you done to yourself?” She took a closer look at my dyed coat, and then gently flicked my blackened mane with a hoof. “Why, how positively absurd you look!” she declared with a small giggle. “What is this, a costume for a prank?”
“Something like that…” I muttered, sneaking a glance over her shoulder. I almost had a clear path to the door. Sure, a few customers would get bowled over, but that was their fault for getting in my way in a time of need.
“Well, it looks awful, my dear, simply awful!” Rarity giggled, pressing a hoof to her forehead and rolling her eyes dramatically. “Oh, how could I possibly let such a dear friend present herself in public in such a state!” I had to resist the urge to roll my own eyes. Jeez, what a drama queen.
Rarity tutted to herself, flicking her own mane back with a tilt of her head, before holding me in place with a determined gaze and a pale blue haze of levitation magic. “This simply will not do! Rainbow, I have no choice but to take you back to my boutique, where I can cleanse you of this… this… stain!” With that, she turned towards the door, floating me along with her.
Don't get me wrong, her magical prowess wasn’t something to be sniffed at, but she was just a dressmaker, not Twilight Sparkle. I could definitely break free of her. I began beating my wings against her power, straining to escape her grasp.
“No, really, Rare,” I huffed, “I’m fine…”
My friend-slash-kidnapper spun around to face me, setting her hooves and giving me a smirk that was probably meant to be reassuring, but actually turned out terrifying. “Come now, dearie!” she cried. “It’ll be fun! I can bathe you, then dry you off by hoof…” She gave an excited giggle, and the haze surrounding me turned a shade darker. “Then I’ve got this new range of dresses that I know you’ll simply love! And we can talk about our days, and discuss our foalhoods, and curl up next to each other and drift to sleep in each other’s forelegs...”
This went on for a while. Long enough for me to stop actually listening. With every new idea, though, Rarity became more breathless, her eyes became less focused, and the levitation field became stronger. It was becoming steadily harder for me to escape.
It was time to take off the horseshoes.
Usually, it'd be a terrible idea for a pegasus to unleash her full wingpower indoors. Not just because the downwash would scatter a few loose papers, either—when somepony's going flat out, it’s pretty hard to stop for little things like walls and other ponies.
Multiply this by about a billion, and you’ve got what it’s like to be me indoors. I knew that anything not tied down was about to get blown away, and that I was probably gonna make a pretty nice dent in the back wall of the café, but I didn’t really have a choice at this point. Seriously, the "bathing" part was scary enough. Throw in dresses and heartfelt talks, and I was terrified.
Forget what I said earlier about never being scared. That image right there almost had me screaming.
So I threw almost everything I had into my attempt to escape Rarity’s clutches. Three or four wing beats was all it took to snap out of the levitation field—her magic was no match for the full strength and speed of Rainbow Dash.
Neither was the café’s back wall, as it turned out. It must have been pretty flimsy, since I went straight through it and headfirst into the kitchen. It was lucky for me that the chef was standing right on the other side, or my face would've had an unscheduled appointment with the oven door. That would’ve hurt a lot more than the comparatively soft red flank that I had slammed into.
Of course, I wouldn’t have been drenched with the water he had been carrying in a saucepan if I hadn’t crashed into him, but it was still a better outcome than a concussion.
Groaning, I picked myself up from the mangle of limbs that I’d reduced the chef to. I checked his eyes quickly. They were spinning loosely in their sockets, but since nothing seemed broken, I guessed he’d be fine after a minute or two. I also noticed that he’d been holding a plate with a sandwich on it when I collided with him, and he was still cupping one foreleg around it protectively. Jeez, this guy was really committed to his job.
“Mine, I think,” I muttered, grabbing the sandwich with my mouth. I turned around and climbed carefully back through the Dash-sized hole in the wall.
Looking at the state of the café’s front, I decided that full power might have been a terrible idea after all. Most of the tables had been lifted up, slamming into walls and ponies. Some had even smashed through the windows and into the street. The food displays were toppled over, plates and meals were scattered all across the floor, and there were fallen ponies everywhere, steadily climbing to their hooves.
And turning to look at me.
And getting that look.
I glanced back at myself, and my heart sank as I recognised my own cutie mark was showing again, as was my cyan-coloured flank. I realised that the darned water had washed out most of the coat and mane dye, and that I was almost back to my normal, awesome self, if slightly muted.
It was clearly having an effect on everypony. The ones who had already steadied themselves began to stumble shakily towards me with big, stupid, lovey-dovey grins on their faces. One of the closest reached his hoof out towards me, muttering something about wet manes being the best.
“So out of here,” I mumbled around my sandwich, before sprinting for the door.
Apparently, some of the ponies had decided to team up. A wall of bodies suddenly blocked the door as ponies threw themselves across the opening. Their eyes were fixed on me, and their faces twisted somewhere between the joy of capturing the object of their affections and the crushing ache of having dozens of ponies pile on top of you. Those who weren’t close enough to the door just started running forward, clearly trying to get in my way, and making this escape more like an obstacle course than anything else.
Oh, they hadn’t had enough yet?
Fine.
Maximum power plus one.
I leapt into the air, and with a couple of my strongest wing beats, propelled myself towards the blockade at roughly the speed of pain.
A few of the ponies’ faces widened in shock and fear. A couple even had the sense to jump backwards and out of my way.
The rest went flying over Ponyville as I smashed my way through them, rocketing back into the sky.
An updated forecast for that day: light idiot-showers across Ponyville. Better stay inside.
"Roughly the speed of pain." I love that line.
1000617 one of my favourites Got to admit, I had some real fun writing the end of that chapter.
"Light idiot showers. Better stay inside."
Story of my summer.
LOL. Rainbow Dash has such a struggle just to keep fed.
I am so looking forward to Rainbow finding out how this happened. And the chaos being inspired while she deals with life.
And the light idiot showers?
This is now my favorite fic haha so funny the last line was killing plz write more!!!!!
1000788 Sounds like a fun summer you've had. All I got was plain old regular rain.
1001318 Chaos, you say? Hmm... Nah, probably not Discord. Still, one of the idea book...
1002808 Don't worry, I'm confident I can crank out at least a couple more chapters!
This is the first story I have ever seen with zero dislikes. Congratulations my good sir, you have brought many a lol.
Grats on EQD, and nice job on the hilarious story. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Oh man, I haven't even started reading and I can already tell this story is awesome! ^.^
Come on Rainbow. you simply must find out what this is. you know, besides the idiot-showers. good luck
So is this going to be just Rainbow Dash's shenanigans, or is there some focus to the story here?
I mean, it's great either way, but I'm just curious.
Yep, tracking.
It's like the opposite of Background Pony, not that it isn't awesome it's just awesome in an opposi
this story is funny as hell but...really really creepy and sinister i like it
I would absolutely hate being in rainbows horseshoes...seriously I think I'd go postal on all of them if it got this out of hand...or become a hermit
I.....ok, I'll be honest, I feel SO sorry for Rainbow Dash here.
I'm tracking this because I hope beyond hope that it is discovered WHY this is happening, and HOW it'll be fixed. PLEASE. She doesn't deserve this.
I'm really feeling that somehow this is all just a prank 'cuz she's always talking about herself.
It's hard to pull off humor-shipping and light-meta-awareness without it turning into a mess, but this author does it pretty well. It's got the right amount of goofy while still sticking to a storyline. Looking forward
This is more frightening and sad than funny, at least to me. The only way I can see it ending is, in order to save Equestria from crumbling into financial and social ruin, Rainbow Dash has to find a hideout in the most remote corner of the globe and spend the rest of her days a hermit, eventually dying alone.
Don't get me wrong, this is still brilliant. I just have a hard time laughing over all the fridge horror.
1120507 I kinda have to agree. It was funny at first but hopefully this story goes somewhere. Because the way its heading seems to look like Rainbow Dash will find herself VERY alone for the rest of her life! or having to disappear into some unknown location. I think a Dark tag is honestly needed atm.
I may come back to it later but atm unlike the rest of the ponies in the story I am not very interested in seeing where this is currently leading.
too funny, can't wait for more.
1118943 I'm glad you think so! that's all I really wanted, a bit of fun for people to enjoy.
1119084 I appreciate your pre-emptive enthusiasm! I can only hope it doesn't disappear after reading!
1119170 Don't worry, i'm committed to getting a story in here somehow. I just wanted to get a proper feel for her life in this... "universe"?... first. Now I just have to force some semblance of a plot in...
1119251 ...I never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, I can see what you mean.
1119776 Thanks for that, I'm glad you're enjoying my writing.
1120507 1120857 Good heavens, I don't want it to end like that! Please, rest assured that it won't go anywhere near that sort of area. At least, I really hope not.
I find myself strangely fascinated by your story. I do love a good "Rainbow Dash gets shipped by EVERYBODY" joke, and this may be the ne phus ultra.
Yup. Definitely like the opposite of Background Pony. Everyone Knows Her!
Great Story! Keep updating!
1003545 Hmmmm....Discord broke out of his prison once. He could break out again. And we already know that immortal beings are not immune to the effect....
Looks like Discord's found out about shipping bronies and replaced everypony with them.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
Also, 'speed of pain' and 'light idiot showers' made my day.
Good job on including the metajokes while keeping them inobtrusive, too.
I approve of this fic.
You get a derpy
1121976 Glad you think so
1122454 Huh. Well now I feel bad. I swear that I didn't realise that story existed, but I really want to go apologise to that author anyway, since it feels like I've accidentally stolen their idea.
1122945 Hah. Now I wish I'd done a scene something like this:
Meanwhile, at the Cutie Mark Crusaders' Clubhouse...
Applebloom: Hey, girls, did ya hear that?
Scootaloo: I felt that.
Sweetie: What is that, anyway?
Scootaloo: Rage, Sweetie. Pure rage.
I think it's going to end with Rainbow Dash flying into space, and explode the space station broadcasting the brainwash.
Or maybe she'll just go and hide in a cave or something.
I prefer the space idea, though.
On the other hoof, this is a very well pulled off fic! Keep it up, and have a cookie for your efforts!
--TwilitLightning
I really like this fic, but right now I'm imagining what would happen to Rainbow is she DID get captured by a pony. It's just an idea that I give you, it might be funny. I also know what caused this madness, it's called the shipping disease. It's a virus that infects everyone except one. All the infected will begin to love the uninfected one, even to the obsesive. There is no known cure, since all the researchers are already infected. (this actually looks like a zombie fic.)
"light idiot-showers across Ponyville. Better stay inside." I really love this fic, I snuggle you..even if you don't want.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5q3m21M0f1rskeexo1_500.gif
1123376 *Omnomnom* Fankoo!
1125678 As if I'd ever say no to a snuggle, especially from Rarity!
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/n4FnI.gif?1323652329
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
On the one hoof, Rainbow Dash! Being AWESOME!
On the other, every sentient being in Equestria being incapable of leaving her alone...
Explanations are in order.
How did this happen? Can it be reversed? Will it? Who or what is responsible? So many questions...
tl;dr- Ugh. Too much Dash ship. Funny though.
I'm writing this partially because I like getting replies from the author. (it makes me feel wanted )
But partially because this was a damn good read. Not how I expected it to be at all, in a completely good way. I love the way you worked the plot into there.
Now about actually shipping RD with somepony....
1131997 Well, I do like fulfilling dreams...
Glad to hear you enjoyed the read, too!
1132013
That was quick
You should totally make Luna the only pony NOT crazy over RD and give them serious shippage. It'd be so funny
Dash has now been shipped with the nation of Equestria itself.
More! Nao! Please!
This is a great "be careful what you wish for" story. Expecting to see some great action that includes escaping, fighting crazy fans and overall wackiness.
Is Rainbow ever gonna find out why shes getting chased by everything? If so theres gotta be some crazy adventure where she tries to fix everything! YYEESSSS
arch.413chan.net/APPLEJACK_GRAB_MY_TAIL-(n1300157787635).jpg
Traveling at roughly the Speed of PAIN!!!!!
RelaThebronyone
Lol that's from a fanfic that I cant remember the name of that micthemicrophone read
Chapter 1 was really funny and amusing and I loved it.
Chapter 2 was good too and still amusing and I thought it was ok.
Chapter 3 started feeling too "more of the same."
Something else better start happening soon…
Rainbow Dash turned her wing power...
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/goes_to_eleven.jpg
...up to eleven.
Light idiot-showers across Ponyville!!! Nice!
"...roughly the speed of pain." I need to use that sometime. I noticed that the chef showed no signs of being affected. Is that important? Also, what of bugs? Wild animals? Fish? Tank? These things probably need some clarification. Great story, but it is gaining an eventful monotony. Please branch out more.
Have a nice day!
--Not a brony
Ohhhh crap!