Seriously dude? Rape, freaking RAPE! I hope Lyra get her lesson real soon, she back away, someone rescue Zack or literally anything before anything happen.
Seriously what she is about to do can really scar him for life or worse make him develop a real strong fear of woman, is that what you aiming for?
That was a awesome read it was gread getting to here this version of the origin,and to find that Miss Cake is so nice.I can't to see what happens to them next. This story is just getting better.I hope that he will be ok.
first, what the mare6 find out what happen that zack kindnapped by lyra? also I send a bio list for harem and I just send to it for you. i’ll send more soon
8725044 Ah thank god, you really got me a scare back there dude. Je the moment his ferrets thing something is going on, they will freak out, for what I see they are very sensitive of his master emotions and smarter than usual. So they probably will go all Balto in the search for Zack
8725060 Its a movie, about a dog that lead a team of sled dogs throw a really bad snow storm so they can deliver the medicine required to save thousand of lives
8725071 Je that wasn't there when I read it. Very nice, and yeah I can have one or two ideas. I think I will just send a few via PM, maybe one of them could help you
8725780 that won't work he's been drugged *sigh* guess i got no choice *pressed a button and a hidden compartment opens up which holds a nano suit like in crysis 3 but altered with improvements* time for a rescue mission the mark 4 nano suit i ha set up should do i passed it's beta tests this will be it's first on field use
"It's nice to meet you CupCake, but please call me Zack, a nineteen year old is to young to be called Mister." I said causing us both to share a short laugh.
"Uh CupCake, how old do you think I am?" I asked already knowing the answer.
Okay this has some real good potential( and I'm really liking the fetish list). For your editing needs, I hear grammarly is really good. I've never used it, but a guy I work with who goes to college does and he recommends it. Its free and there is a mobile version in the Google Play store(if you have chrome, there might be an iOS).
Now for some issues I have. First, the Adventure and Gore tags along with "Special Spa Treatment" being an inspiration. "Spa Treatment" started out great, but became this Assassin's Creed bullshit later on. Now I just skim the new chapters looking for the sex scene. The most I'd like to see from Zack is giving advice, yelling and knocking the Idiot Ball out of the ponies' hands. Imo, you should lean towards "The Babs x human clop saga" for inspiration. I haven't read "A world of nudist mares".
Second the ferrets, I think three is too many. One would be ideal, imo, but you can use two and go with contrasting personalities (like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash). Also, I feel they started out a little too smart. Its fine if they become smart after being exposed to Equestria, but starting out they should feel a little more like earth animals.
Third, the hostility Zack is receiving feels excessive. If he was in a four-legged version of Equestria I might buy it, but in an Anthro-Equestria he looks like a young earth pony colt, especially from a distance. At most ponies should be a little curious. A comparatively small guy like Zack shouldn't raise any red flags, especially if there are Minotaur's walking around. Now some might take note of how early in the series this story starts, and cry "Zeocra, Zecora". Ok first, that was a ham-fisted episode and you all know it, and second giving the ponies the benefit of the doubt, Zecora lives in the spooky death forest. Zack walked in to Ponyville accompanied by the Mane6, herd mentality would suggest that he is safe.
Ok, I think thats it for now. Ultimately what will make or break this story are the sex scenes, but I have hope and look forward to more.
8729315 Maybe this is before the Zecora episode? Plus this town maybe its just wondering who is the 12 year old guy being flank by the main 6? And I mean for how they are surprised and threaten him, they probably think he is 12 or 15 years old.
I had fun editing this chapter folks. Trust me when i say this: It's gonna be good!!!
Dude! Commas! Commas before the names in dialogue! XD Else you get
means he has to splash his face because it's another AJ and not that one!
Seriously dude? Rape, freaking RAPE! I hope Lyra get her lesson real soon, she back away, someone rescue Zack or literally anything before anything happen.
Seriously what she is about to do can really scar him for life or worse make him develop a real strong fear of woman, is that what you aiming for?
O.o nothing says I love you like putting a benny in someone's drink. Can't wait for more dude.
That was a awesome read it was gread getting to here this version of the origin,and to find that Miss Cake is so nice.I can't to see what happens to them next. This story is just getting better.I hope that he will be ok.
That has to be Lyra. No doubt about that.
first, what the mare6 find out what happen that zack kindnapped by lyra? also I send a bio list for harem and I just send to it for you. i’ll send more soon
8724532
Who said it's gonna be rape?
8724669
What gave it away?
8725044
Ah thank god, you really got me a scare back there dude. Je the moment his ferrets thing something is going on, they will freak out, for what I see they are very sensitive of his master emotions and smarter than usual. So they probably will go all Balto in the search for Zack
8725057
Who the heck is Balto?
8725060
Its a movie, about a dog that lead a team of sled dogs throw a really bad snow storm so they can deliver the medicine required to save thousand of lives
8725065
Oh okay. Also check out the Authors Notes at the end of the chapter you might see something you'll like.
8725071
Je that wasn't there when I read it. Very nice, and yeah I can have one or two ideas. I think I will just send a few via PM, maybe one of them could help you
8725076
Go right ahead I'm here all day my friend.
We got a code red lyra repeat a code red lyra
RUN!! ZACH RUN!!
8725780
that won't work he's been drugged *sigh* guess i got no choice *pressed a button and a hidden compartment opens up which holds a nano suit like in crysis 3 but altered with improvements* time for a rescue mission the mark 4 nano suit i ha set up should do i passed it's beta tests this will be it's first on field use
Well. He’s gonna get raped.
I think he already answered that.
Okay this has some real good potential( and I'm really liking the fetish list). For your editing needs, I hear grammarly is really good. I've never used it, but a guy I work with who goes to college does and he recommends it. Its free and there is a mobile version in the Google Play store(if you have chrome, there might be an iOS).
Now for some issues I have.
First, the Adventure and Gore tags along with "Special Spa Treatment" being an inspiration. "Spa Treatment" started out great, but became this Assassin's Creed bullshit later on. Now I just skim the new chapters looking for the sex scene. The most I'd like to see from Zack is giving advice, yelling and knocking the Idiot Ball out of the ponies' hands. Imo, you should lean towards "The Babs x human clop saga" for inspiration. I haven't read "A world of nudist mares".
Second the ferrets, I think three is too many. One would be ideal, imo, but you can use two and go with contrasting personalities (like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash). Also, I feel they started out a little too smart. Its fine if they become smart after being exposed to Equestria, but starting out they should feel a little more like earth animals.
Third, the hostility Zack is receiving feels excessive. If he was in a four-legged version of Equestria I might buy it, but in an Anthro-Equestria he looks like a young earth pony colt, especially from a distance. At most ponies should be a little curious. A comparatively small guy like Zack shouldn't raise any red flags, especially if there are Minotaur's walking around.
Now some might take note of how early in the series this story starts, and cry "Zeocra, Zecora". Ok first, that was a ham-fisted episode and you all know it, and second giving the ponies the benefit of the doubt, Zecora lives in the spooky death forest. Zack walked in to Ponyville accompanied by the Mane6, herd mentality would suggest that he is safe.
Ok, I think thats it for now. Ultimately what will make or break this story are the sex scenes, but I have hope and look forward to more.
8729315
Thank you for the advice and I change the summary a bit, check it out when you get a chance.
8732767
Thanks, I'll fix it now.
8729315
Maybe this is before the Zecora episode? Plus this town maybe its just wondering who is the 12 year old guy being flank by the main 6? And I mean for how they are surprised and threaten him, they probably think he is 12 or 15 years old.
Why not put this in the actual author's note? It's honestly quite distracting and can take people out of the story.
Why is this story in the Anthros of Harmony group ?
8739408
Is it not supposed to? If not I'll remove it.
8739425
it's for stories in the same univers
Read the fist Lavender Heart
then the rest
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/211980/anthros-of-harmony/folders
8739425
I can tell you this much: Your fic doesn't fit with the rest of them. Sicks out like a sore thumb.
8739777
Thank you for the kind words
Heya. The Story is okay. I just wonder why you use a First person view? For me, they are just Cringy.
Also, I dont know why, but i imagine Zack like Shorty from Scary movie...
8742595
Fuck that god awful movie
8742708
You dont need to tell me that.
I agree on Celestia Flanks and want tp point out Luna Rump XD
8743192
All praise the big butts of the sun and moon
8742708
Sure as hell a funny movie, even though it didn't make sense.
8743196
PRAISE, ALL HAIL MOON BUTT AND SUN BUTT!!!!
8746103
The booties of the sun and moon thank you my friend.
8746105
Quick question, since there's beastiality in this fic, what's the first animal zack will have sex with?
8750620
Manticore
8750622
Cool can't wait
I liked your story
8750737
Thank you
8750754
Did you read my stories
8750776
I'm reading the Lord of Rings one right now
8750782
Which chapter and did you read the Dinotopia one too
8750788
Chapter one but haven't got a chance to finish because of work
8750793
That's cool just leaving a comment when you're done, the same for chapter 2 I can wait
8750798
No prob
This harem is going to be huge isn't it.
I wonder how Zack will deal with Lyra.
Also great work I enjoyed the story so far, keep it up man.
8752420
Thanks for the kind words. And yeah, its gonna be big my man