- Member Since 26th Dec, 2017
- offline last seen Aug 2nd, 2019
Netalaas
A writer just trying to get his work spread out in the internet.
Netalaas
Joined 26th Dec, 2017 ·
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Isn't it obvious, Rarity?
If Shining Armor couldn't tell how his own wife was acting OOC, then what hope does he have against Lord Nightmare's second-in-command?
Are you one of the authors on this site who doesn't respond to comments for no apparent reason?
8680248
I do actually respond to comments if I want to get a conversation going or just have a little fun. Though I only don't respond if the comment is a one off comment that is not meant to be responded to. So if you leave a comment and I stumble upon it while checking the site this is what you can expect.
8696740
That wasn't meant to be the word 'means' but the actual Spanish slang which is used to describe someone as foolish or the like. Forgive me for not warning you that Panic will use random words from different languages occasionally.
8699064
Oh, my bad.
So, I came across this story and saw that you've put a good amount of effort into it (it's at what, like 80k words?), and yet you only have 65 views. I thought, "Well, that's a shame, I might as well take the time to skim the first chapter." So I did, and now I see why there's not much interest in this story. But I figured I'd take the time to point out the things that turned me off of the story in the hopes that it may help you in the future.
I click chapter one and get immediately greeted by this. First off, if both the location and time are unknown, then what's the point of telling us this? Second, while I'm sure you didn't mean it as such, this seems like a really cheap way to avoid scene building and just feels lazy. The worst thing about it is it's the first thing the reader sees, and it immediately gives a bad impression of your story.
If none have ventured here, then how was the mansion even built? Now, I know what you were actually trying to say here, but this is a prime example of the misunderstandings that can occur when you skip over scene building. Also, why is the word *mansion* capitalized?
There should be a comma after *this* and you missed the period at the end. But this isn't why I highlighted this sentence. This one sentence is very telly and redundant. If someone is asking this question, then it is a given that they are concerned. You don't need to beat the reader over the head telling them the voice is concerned.
Again, very telly. From the way you are writing this scene, we are an outside observer hearing the conversation, a fly on the wall, so to speak, so there shouldn't be any bits in the narration telling us that the voices are feeling concerned or uneasy. Instead, it needs to be shown within the actual dialogue through the use of pauses and ellipses and such. Always keep in mind the POV of the scene and never deviate from it.
Now, the sighs and snickers are fine, because they're things that our "fly on the wall" can actually hear, but the feelings you give ruin the scene. It has a chance of being mysterious and foreboding, but those affects are shoved aside when you start over explaining the scene.
And here's this again. If I was immersed in the story at all, this just yanked me out rather suddenly. Why is this here telling me this scene is Twilight's Home (why is home capitalized?) when the first sentence of the scene tells me Twilight reached the door to her home? And why in the wide world of Equestria should I care that it is specifically 5:12 in the evening? What relevance does that have to anything? If you want to say it's the evening, then use shadows cast on the streets that tell your character what time it is, or you can even have her glance up at the position of the sun. Just please, not this.
Sentences like this are just cringeworthy. This should just be *Twilight sighed.* All the rest was just covered in the dialogue before this, and using the word *because* just feels like you're trying to hold the reader's hand.
This is a problem because you forgot the scene's POV. This section has been in Twilight's POV up to this point, but then it suddenly shifts to Spike before jumping back to Twilight again. This happens a couple of times during their conversation, and it is very jarring.
This is the only time I'll forgive the dates because it's a journal entry. But isn't this a bit of a silly entry? The writer never thought to write their thoughts down until this day, but this day was uneventful. So, if they never thought to write their thoughts on eventful days, then why did they think of it on this particular day? Something must have happened, even if it were as simple as accidentally finding the journal.
How in the world does Twilight know he was acting much older than his mother? All she did was explain everything to him, so how was he acting older? And how does she even know that it's a "he?" Maybe you should have given a few more entries to get this point across, or:
You could have given a brief summary of some of the other entries she read instead of just speeding up time while telling the reader nothing. You didn't even tell us what questions Twilight has, much less what was in the journal to make her ask these questions. You just pushed the reader outside of the loop, and you never want to do that.
Ugh...
Who's getting unnerved by the calm tone? The other two? If so, how sinister can they be if their companion's calm tone unnerves them? Also, put a comma after "around" and lowercase the word *said.*
This is very telly and over explained.
And one last jarring POV jump before the chapter ends.
Now I know this seems like a really negative comment, and I'm sorry for that. Please don't take this hard and instead think about what I told you and how you can fix these things. The actual storytelling isn't bad, and if these glaring problems were removed, I'd actually be willing to read on, but I went ahead to your latest chapter and saw in the first couple paragraphs that the problems still persist. I'm just not willing to read through 80k words of this.
I hope this helps you and if you have any questions at all, feel free to PM me.
8791503
Where were people like you when I first started this story? I remember when I first wrote/typed this on fan fiction.net and finishing it mind you. The story itself has long since been complete on that site and I been looking over it to clean it up while working on other writing projects.
Your critique can will help me in the long run as I first wrote this chapter specifically a few years ago. I was just starting and hoping people can give me constructive critism but nobody said anything. I couldn't wait much longer so I continued from there on out, with my writing both evolving with me while carrying my mistakes.
Heck if you look at the original posts on the site, you'll see much more cringe inducing material that I plan on removing in further editing (when I have time). It was frustrating to see likes and dislikes without anything to help me with. It just doesn't help with my morale as a writer.
So thank you for posting your critism it means a lot.
But, isn't Nightmare Moon female?
9350115
Different character for this one, but don't worry about the original. She will make an appearance in one way or another. Hope you enjoy the story!