A relatively new brony, but enjoying my time in the legion of brony. My brother is the one who turned me. BRONYS FOR LIFE!
What happens is Dr. Hooves finds a way to Earth and meets four young guys and takes them with him to Equestria. They meet many ponies and have lots of adventures in the realm of Equestria. The four ponies this story is about are ponies I have created on my own. Dysmetix, Chuck, Bass, and Hak.
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Dysmetix.
...Is that an actual name? The others are fine, but their normalcy is what makes 'Dysmetix' so fucking jarring. It sounds like one of those fakey Middle Earth Elven names or something, and certainly not natural enough to be used in a real world setting.
Moving along, though, why would the Doctor pick up these random fellows in the first place? Is he based off of Ten? If so, then where in his canon timeline does this even take place? I'm wondering on whether or not you've even watched "Doctor Who" at all, considering how OOC ol' Ten is acting. It's like he took an entire bottle of Ritalin before the fic even started.
The writing needs work. A lot of work. Everything feels lifeless, like the prose is lacking in provoking any sort of emotional reaction from me, leaving both me and the audience to slog through each chapter. There are technical and formatting errors littered everywhere as well.
So, yeah... this needs work.
EDIT: Oh... it's your username.
Okay.
...
Okay.
review time
whew, haven't done one of these in a while
chaaraactersss
Characters are the life of the story, the story itself is the body. if the characters don't feel alive, how the fuck will the story work out? They all have odd names, discluding Chuck- Chuck, you're cool. They have zero to none reactions about getting a completely new bone structure and Hak learns to fly before scootaloo can file a formal complaint. fuck. And why exactly did none of them freak out in the first place at the sight of an inter-dimensionally traveling horse pony thing?
foorammaating
Formatting is the key to both the doors of getting cataracts early or actually being able to distinguish words from each other. start a new paragraph when a new person talks and all that jazz. descriptive verbs provide for a clear image. for all we know, alien slugs may as well be performing coitus in the background. who are we to judge? you're the one who's supposed to be god in your story.
paccciiiiing
Okay, this story just went way to fast. why did all four of them not piss their non existent pantaloons when they found that they were ponies? why did they suddenly get to a party? what the fuck is going on? am i drunk and piloting a goddamn fighter jet? no, i'm reading a story. geez, why would you even ask me that?
anyways, i Favorited and liked the story.